Usually, after a conflict situation or scandal, many people feel depressed, realizing that in general these scenes could have been avoided. Each quarrel, one way or another, leaves its mark on the relationship, and it is in our power to make sure that when remembering communication with us, our loved ones experience predominantly positive emotions.
It is very important to feel when a person is on the edge or when you yourself can barely restrain yourself, so as not to throw out the accumulated negativity on your interlocutor. If you nip a scandal in the bud, then it will be easier for you to realize that you have avoided a serious quarrel. However, your opponent will probably be able to appreciate your wisdom and flexibility in overcoming dangerous topics.
What is a quarrel
If you turn to Dahl's dictionary, he will give you the quite expected formulation that a quarrel should be called a noisy squabble and mutual hostility. We all know what lies behind these words, and the most vivid negative emotions that we experienced when we had to get into an altercation with someone immediately emerge in our memories.
It is especially unpleasant if such memories are associated not with a saleswoman in a store or a grumpy neighbor, but with people close and dear to us. It is important to understand that often the reason for a quarrel is not the specific topic that turned out to be a stumbling block for those quarreling, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. Usually, people who enter into conflict situations have experienced some unpleasant emotions the day before or have simply been feeling dissatisfied with something for a long time. That is, even if in the end it is possible to resolve the conflict, this is not a guarantee that dissatisfaction with each other will remain a thing of the past. If you often begin to have misunderstandings with someone, then look for a deeper reason for this phenomenon.
“We often quarrel in front of our friends”
Whether or not it is acceptable to have conflict in front of friends depends on the norms of the culture. However, since arguments are intimate, your friends probably don't want to witness them.
If you do butt heads in public, you must let those present know whether you were able to reach some kind of compromise - otherwise they will only see conflict. This is especially important if you get into an argument in front of children.
“It’s okay if children see you quarrel,” says Torrisi. “But they shouldn’t see you swearing, because you shouldn’t swear at all.” One way or another, they must be aware of what is happening. Let them know that you didn't agree with each other, but you came to an understanding and everything is fine."
Common causes of quarrels
1. We can't hear each other
Each interlocutor tries to convey his own position, without even allowing the thought that it might be wrong. Most often, we are so convinced that we are right that we do not try to listen to our opponent’s arguments - we are simply not interested and do not care what he says, and the person, of course, immediately feels this. He tries even harder to get his point across and things start to heat up. In this case, the one who is less flexible in conversation, considering himself right in almost everything, is to blame.
2. We don’t want to give in in a dispute and accept someone else’s truth.
If you want your relationships with loved ones to develop harmoniously, it is important to learn to make compromises. Some people are simply not capable of taking such a step, considering it a kind of humiliation or personal defeat. In fact, a person who knows how to make concessions, understanding that the issue is not so fundamental and is not worth inciting hostility, is distinguished by great wisdom.
Of course, this does not mean at all that you need to completely forget about your opinion and agree with your opponents in everything, but if the issue is really at the level of everyday life and not overly important, then it would be quite reasonable not to spoil your nerves again. Just calmly say: “You know my opinion, but let it be your way.”
3. Resentment, betrayal, jealousy, betrayal
- Treason. Of course, such events, most often, invariably lead to conflict situations. As a rule, the one who cheated defends himself from the attacks of his other half, and at the same time it may seem that the cheater does not feel any guilt at all. This is partly true! It just so happens that betrayal rarely happens out of nowhere. Usually it is preceded by quarrels between spouses and dissatisfaction with each other. If the couple had initially identified the cause of their disagreements and tried to eliminate it, then the matter probably would not have come to an affair. Cheating is a test for any family, and often the blame for this situation lies equally with the spouses.
- Betrayal. If this situation is not related to love betrayal, then, of course, it is difficult for the traitor to find an excuse. Most often, the relationship is terminated after this, even if attempts were initially made to forget such an offense. Sometimes even close relatives do not make exceptions, considering betrayal to be a sufficient reason to break off contact forever.
- Jealousy. This problem is not so difficult to eliminate if you find its origins. Perhaps jealousy appeared after one of the couple cheated on the other. In such a situation, forecasts are most often not very optimistic. Even if the traitor has made a firm decision to remain faithful to his half, endless nagging, suspicions and hysterics can again push him to a similar step. By cheating, he was trying to solve some problem in the relationship, and, most likely, jealousy and control will also become a problem for him. We also must not forget that the party who experienced the betrayal will eventually understand that he cannot forgive this act, which will also result in a break in the relationship.
- Grievances. If the grievances are minor and sometimes seem to be completely groundless, it is worth looking for a major problem that gave rise to these troubles. Most likely, having failed to agree on some important issue and “hushed up” it, the parties (or one side) remained dissatisfied with each other, and subconsciously this dissatisfaction spread to other areas.
Psychology of relationships
Why do both friends and girlfriends sometimes fight?
Oddly enough, many people are usually more tolerant of the shortcomings of friends and girlfriends than of their other halves. However, even long-time comrades are sometimes forced to face conflict situations. Often their cause can be the opposite sex. And yet, this reason more often appears in the company of very young people, or if the friendship began recently. True friends usually put friendship above fleeting acquaintances and affairs, of course, unless we are talking about the love of their life.
Often, the cause of conflicts among friends and girlfriends can be a money issue. When one friend always invests more in some feast, meetings and various events, this situation begins to upset and irritate him. Subsequently, one person begins to feel that he is being taken advantage of, and the second believes that the offended person regretted something for him, which turns into a conflict.
Frequent quarrels with parents
Most often, young people quarrel with their parents because they are overly protective of them and are trying to somehow influence their decisions. There may be a flip side - an adult son or daughter decides that their parents provide them with too little financial support and attention. In both cases, it is not difficult to understand the parents.
Moms and dads who want to be an integral part of their son or daughter's life simply cannot or do not want to move to another level of relationship. They are used to being mentors for their children, they liked this role, and they do not imagine that this can somehow be changed, and in general they do not see the point in this, because they “have much more life experience”! If you have such parents, you should be more tolerant of this, and not start a riot - such behavior is typical of unintelligent children, and it means that you, without meaning to, have accepted rules that do not suit you. Communicate gently with your parents, do not tell them details that they do not need to know. Sometimes accept their advice as adults accept the advice of other adults. If you fundamentally disagree with something, calmly ask them not to worry, ask them to trust you, noting that you will solve this problem yourself.
In the second case, when it seems to you that your parents could have taken more part in your life, most likely you are wrong. Don’t be selfish, because, most likely, your mother or father devoted many years to your upbringing, and now they have a completely understandable desire to live for their own pleasure. Perhaps their parents did the same. As a rule, in order to raise a child, people have to sacrifice a lot. Many children, having grown up, try to help their parents, realizing that now they are much weaker than their adult children. Others expect that their parents will continue to devote their lives to them, “give them the best pieces.” Be kind to your parents, give them a break and appreciate all the benefits of communicating with adult, independent children.
Why do husband and wife fight?
Spouses may have many reasons for sorting things out. It doesn't have to be some serious reason, like cheating. Sometimes, a woman can be provoked into a scandal for seemingly harmless reasons. Yes, as a rule, women are the initiators of quarrels, which certainly does not look good on them. When conflicts occur at the instigation of a man, especially for domestic reasons, this is not a very good sign - often such husbands are later called despots and tyrants.
Spouses often quarrel due to dissatisfaction in their sex life. Husband and wife turn out to have different temperaments or one of the couple is dissatisfied with sex with the other, so marital duty is fulfilled less and less often. If this problem has appeared in your family, despite the fact that it did not exist before, then you need to identify its true causes. A woman may simply not have an orgasm with a man because he does not devote enough time to foreplay, and the act itself does not last long. A spouse who is not a sensitive lover may not even understand the reason for this behavior. The wife needs to have a serious conversation with her chosen one and explain what exactly does not suit her. If the husband does not want to listen, then, most likely, such a marriage is doomed.
A man, in turn, may be dissatisfied with his wife’s lack of initiative, considering his intimate life with her insipid and uninteresting. Such conclusions can lead to the appearance of a mistress. Often, intimate intimacy begins to occur less and less between spouses when one of them is no longer satisfied with the appearance of their partner.
Many couples would live in perfect harmony if it were not for hated everyday issues. Reluctance to make concessions to each other and a clear division of responsibilities into women's and men's often lead to big problems in the family. Women who work equally with their husbands, but are also forced to take on the lion's share of household chores, feel especially disadvantaged. If this is your case, then explain to your husband that because... If you work, then the distribution of household responsibilities should be equal - whoever managed to do it, did it. A truly loving and caring husband will understand and support you.
Why do children fight?
Mostly children's quarrels are provoked by rivalry or childish envy. If we are talking about your children, then you should do everything possible not to single out one of your children. Many parents make a big mistake by dividing their children into “oldest” and “younger”, while the demand from the first is, as a rule, always higher. The worst thing is that, feeling such injustice, the older child carries this feeling into adulthood, and his relationship with his parents usually becomes rather cool. Younger children, in turn, often grow up to be selfish, and parents begin to regret their loyalty in raising them, and only then see their main mistakes.
Try not to get involved in harmless children's fights by taking sides - let the children learn to resolve their conflicts themselves and make peace. Try not to make your child jealous of his brother, sister or other children. He must understand that he is no worse than others. If he wants a toy “like Petya’s” that you don’t have money for, offer him an interesting alternative.
Third road. You want different things
He wants children, she doesn't. He wants sex at night, she wants sex in the morning. He wants a motorcycle, she wants a new apartment. Our interests sometimes contradict each other - this is natural. We are different!
People are often afraid of this: “If we don’t want the same thing, we’re not on the same path, we’re not suitable for each other!” But a conflict of interests in itself does not make us enemies. But the way we resolve conflicts of interest either brings the couple together or separates them.
How to avoid this road?
- Give up the desire to win. And in general, give up the war in relationships, the desire to prove, “bend in”, and convince. You are not on the battlefield, you are the closest people to each other.
- Be prepared to hear the other person. For example, why doesn’t he want a child in the family? What is he afraid of?
- The life of your couple is your common task. You both want to be happy. And it is necessary to divide areas of responsibility, to establish a balance between “taking” and “giving”. You invest yours, your partner contributes his.
It is necessary to clarify and agree, to find the balance that is right for your couple. For example, in a traditional family: “If you are responsible for making money, then I will provide comfort.”
How to avoid constant quarrels and stop being offended
If you often get offended by other people, then you must understand that you have a certain problem. Most likely, you have high expectations from people, and when they are not met, you become resentful. Do you feel like someone is treating you unfairly? Do not focus on this episode, but after this conversation, consult with a loved one whom you consider to be a model of wisdom and optimism. Tell him about your situation and ask him for an outside assessment. An adequate reaction to the story will help you consider the situation from a different angle. Of course, you should not seek advice from a person who has a quarrelsome character or is often touchy himself.
Also, do not forget that people often offend us in response to our attacks, tactless remarks or offensive hints. Sometimes, we ourselves do not notice how we provoke negative emotions in others, but we react sharply to other people’s unpleasant words.
Why do loved ones fight?
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There are many things that can cause loved ones to argue, but in every family there are some common factors that make conflict inevitable:
- A family is a group of imperfect people living under one roof; that alone is enough.
- Each family member sees the world differently.
- Family members do not feel loved, respected or valued.
- Stress, fatigue, physical pain, irritability, shock, anxiety, etc. This list can go on forever. Maybe someone was just having a bad day and all the negativity was passed on to an unsuspecting family member.
- Misunderstandings. When we imagine something that actually isn't there.
The whole truth is that it is different for everyone
Learn to smooth out tough moments in an argument
If you see that the situation is heating up, it is better not to continue to focus on it. In this case, the interlocutors should take a break and calm down a little. To do this, say: “Let’s discuss this in a couple of minutes, but for now I wanted to talk to you about this…”. Of course, choose a topic that will be pleasant for both you and your opponent. Returning again to an unpleasant conversation, allow your interlocutor to express his point of view to the end. Listen to him carefully, ask clarifying questions. After this, calmly offer to listen to your opinion. Say: “I really want us to understand each other and resolve this issue without quarrels, because we have always understood each other!” Most likely, in the end, you will come to a common decision, and do not rule out in advance that perhaps it was you who were initially wrong in the dispute.
It is important to be able to accept the choice and opinion of another person
Surely, you are convinced that you have the right to your own opinion and are free to make many decisions. Other people think similarly. If you are one hundred percent convinced that a person is wrong, you will not be able to convince him with a scandal or shouting. Speak to your interlocutor in a calm and friendly tone, asking him leading questions that will themselves lead your opponent to the inconsistency of his point of view. If the person still maintains his opinion, and you understand that this issue does not have a big impact on your current life (topics about celebrities, important historical events, methods of raising children, etc.), then tell him that you understand his point of view , but you suggest that everyone remain with their own opinion, returning to this conversation a little later.
Learn to express your thoughts and feelings without offending your interlocutor
Even if it seems to you that the person with whom you are having a conversation is talking some kind of nonsense, this is not at all a reason to get personal and try to offend the interlocutor. By this you prove that you are unable to convey your own opinion to him by selecting unshakable arguments, and the only thing left for you is to resort to insults. In such a situation, you will show yourself to be a nervous and hot-tempered person who finds it difficult to clearly express his thoughts without descending into “market showdowns.” Respect your interlocutor, and most likely you will achieve respect in return. Even if this does not happen, you will know that you will behave with dignity.
Reconciliation
If a scandal has already occurred, the question always arises of how to return to the previous relationship after a quarrel. The truce will depend on how much each partner needs it. If both want it, it will be quick and non-traumatic. If only one person makes contact, he will eventually get tired of it - separation is inevitable. If both are too proud to ask for forgiveness, a breakup will occur soon.
What can you do to restart your relationship after a fight:
- ask for forgiveness (if you are to blame);
- calmly discuss the painful problem, find a solution and not return to it;
- arrange a reconciliation dinner;
- stun your partner with good news so that he forgets about the quarrel: “I’m pregnant,” “Marry me,” “I bought a chinchilla,” “I love you” (if this is the first declaration of love);
- make a gift (from simple but romantic daisies to the latest iPhone model);
- write an SMS or a note, record a video.
In fact, there are a huge number of ways of reconciliation. Many factors matter when choosing:
- The partner’s character: some will only be reconciled after a gorgeous bouquet, while for others a compliment is enough.
- Age of relationship: young people need romance with dinner on the roof, and older people can make peace over a cup of tea and bagels.
- Degree of guilt: you can simply ask for forgiveness for a broken vase, but for the dented bumper of your husband’s favorite “swallow” this will clearly not be enough.
- The scope of the quarrel: if it was just a heated argument, making peace can be easier and faster, and after a scandal that all the neighbors heard, it takes some time to calm down.
If you want to renew your relationship, take all these points into account. Remember that every couple is unique. What worked for Vicky and Vasya may turn out to be absolutely useless in your case. Look for the best ways, but never delay the truce. A day is the maximum for a person to come to his senses, calm down and be ready to build bridges.
