"We cannot survive on our own"
“Inner reality is very complicated. We are all complex people. And besides those complexities that we can understand, there are things that we ourselves cannot understand. For this we need another, a person who would listen to us, as if returning to us what we say. I would ask: “Did I understand you?” You begin to say: “No, that’s not entirely true,” you clarify something - and this way you understand yourself better. This is inherent in our development; we cannot survive on our own,” explains Lyubov Ternevskaya.
When asked about which cases from practice she remembers and which influenced her decision to become an emergency psychologist, she tells me about the guy on the roof and the man who fell in love.
“A twenty-year-old boy stood on the roof and threatened to throw himself. We somehow started a conversation. It turned out that he was very offended by his parents and wanted to take revenge on them like this. I managed to redirect this hatred, which he was going to direct towards himself, towards his parents. I managed to explain that he could hate them and quarrel with them. It was as if he had no right to do this.
Lyubov TernevskayaPhoto: Stanislava Novgorodtseva for TD
From birth, the mother, as they say, mirrors the child - he begins to understand what is happening to him. It gives meaning to his experience, feeling, mood. Further, growing up, we need a person who will reflect us. Because in our experiences we ourselves go in circles. Moreover, there are things that we ourselves are not able to understand. The inner world of a person is very complex, but fascinating.
Or, for example, a fifteen-year-old boy called. He had a love tragedy: his girlfriend left him. And at some point, while we were talking, he asked me: “What does it mean to be a man?” And I felt incredible responsibility at that moment. And she asked if this meant that there was no man in his circle who could explain this. He replied that there was an uncle who said: “Well, forget it.” And I gathered all my courage and talked to him.”
Meaning for life
Lyubov Ternevskaya graduated from the history department and after some time worked in a school, and then in a construction industry.
Twelve and a half years ago, together with her classmates at the Faculty of Psychology, Ternevskaya came to the emergency psychological assistance department and began working on the phone. Adaptation, she said, took two years. Then she began to feel more confident and, at the same time, she was constantly studying and receiving therapeutic education. First it was psychodrama, then existential analysis, clinical retraining and then psychoanalysis.
After some time, Ternevskaya was appointed head of the emergency room shift, and two years ago she became head of the department.
Lyubov TernevskayaPhoto: Stanislava Novgorodtseva for TD
Service employees work twelve-hour shifts; a consultation with one person can last an hour, except in severe cases. The service now employs 47 people, and an emergency psychological assistance department has recently been added. In “peacetime” they also provide consultations by phone, and in emergency situations they go to airports and hospitals.
“I manage this entire department and also consult because it is very important to me. It's a difficult job. You can never know everything completely. It is very difficult to understand a person. It requires a lot of effort and expense. And you need to maintain interest in the profession. Your hearing changes, you use a completely different intellectual apparatus to understand. It can be very difficult here, but it’s never boring.
When we talk to someone on friendly terms and give some advice, it is as if we are abandoning the person. We say: “Well, do this and it will be fine, go to this doctor or another.” In everyday life, we cannot withstand intense experiences, we brush them off a little. It’s hard for us, and we give advice to stop it,” says Ternevskaya. — When people call us, they expect that they will be listened to and not “refused with advice.” Although they formulate what they need exactly like that. But this is a figure of speech: “Give me advice.”
They expect that they will not be judged and that they will be able to say the most unpleasant and indecent things about themselves. That they will not be abandoned or rushed, that they will be helped to think about themselves, in a sense, to maintain themselves.”
Man challenges
Number 051 is often called by people with suicidal intentions. In this case, the night shift must make a decision - talk to the person again or, if he somehow disagrees, is drunk or says: “I’ll kill myself anyway,” call 112 (the single emergency number). Previously, emergency workers called an ambulance and the police. When there was no 112, they tried by all means to find out the address from the caller. They said: “You can’t be alone now.” They said that yes, we understand that an emergency room and a psychiatric hospital are not the best place, but it’s better this way. And some even asked themselves: “Call me someone, pick me up, I can’t do it alone now, let someone take care of me.”
“As a rule, if a person called and said that he does not want to live, this means that he wants to live. He just doesn't want to live like that. And challenges. It’s as if he wants to end what is so hard for him. And if he still calls, it means that there is hope,” says Lyubov Alexandrovna.
In such cases, according to her, you need to help the consultant himself - just stand next to him.
Lyubov Ternevskaya at workPhoto: Stanislav Novgorodtseva for TD
“There were times when it was very difficult for me. This is when you are devalued or you are unable to talk or help. You begin to think that you are some kind of bad psychologist, that you are in vain in this profession and, maybe, do something simpler. Then I communicate with the supervisor and experience it. As a rule, it’s enough to cope.”
Service employees undergo both individual and group supervision, when they can share with each other and talk about difficult cases. And yet, psychologists who work on the phone often burn out and go into private counseling.
Phone 051 is free and confidential. Therefore, mentally ill people often call the emergency room.
“The problem is that they call constantly and they have no progress. People just need communication. Many of them are very heavy. I say “heavy” because they exploit the psyche of the other. Any not very healthy psyche exploits a healthy one. People who feel anger towards this world will blame the consultant and will take advantage of the fact that he cannot answer sharply and be polite. In order to cope with this, you need to constantly develop yourself in the profession. So that you don’t treat this as torment, but be interested in why the psyche is structured this way, where such pathology comes from, why there are distortions, how to work with them and how best to help.”
Requests for help Write your story I have been feeling very bad for the last 5 years. It’s like there’s a lump of dirt stuck in my chest and eating away at me from the inside. I haven't wanted anything for 5 years now. No sex, no work (which I simply no longer liked), watching movies, walking, talking and, in the end, living too. Every day I come to work, communicate with my workmates, pretending that everything is fine, smiling in their faces, joking with them, and when I come home, I turn on music and lie and listen. I just listen and dream of dying or being born in another century. But there is no one to tell the truth. Parents have been divorced since 2010. Relations with them are as cold as ice. My father demands a lot from me, what I don’t want, I don’t like. But I have to do it so as not to disappoint him, and in the end I still make a mistake somewhere and disappoint him. Maybe I lack love or something else that I don’t see or realize? At home too, I just stopped cleaning, I live as... well, I just live as I live. I don't care about anything. I want to scream so loudly that someone on the other side of the universe can hear. Why does it hurt so much? Why so bad? What is wrong with me? I’m 28 years old, and I feel like I’m 80. I’ll say this if it weren’t for Mom and Dad, I would have committed suicide <ed.mod.>... Lord, how bad my soul is. I would like to write so much here, but I doubt it will help me in any way, I doubt it will instill in me the spirit and strength to live on. People will read what I wrote and many will think about it. What a moron. Or they'll just sympathize with me. And I just won't care. I want to be free from life. I want to jump from a plane and just fly down with my eyes closed and know that just a couple more moments of the flight and I will be free. I have no one to complain to, no one to tell how bad I feel, no one to cry on, and this is probably sad from the point of view of a normal person. I understand that suicide is not the answer. And it won’t make it any easier for the family. But I didn’t even care about my family. I'm scared by these thoughts. This is probably the first and last time I write something on the Internet.
Sasha, age: 28 / 05/23/2017
Responses:
Hello. It seems to me that it would be right to remember when you began to have such an attitude towards life. It was five years ago - what happened to you then? Maybe some unfavorable events that affected You so much. And all this time you are struggling with their consequences. Think about it. Perhaps the reason is generally in Your work. It was at that age that he began working. The responsibilities you perform can be very exhausting. Relationships with management or team. At first glance, everything may look good, but in fact it is a source of discomfort. I know from personal experience how powerful this can be. Working in one organization, my soul was heavy all the time and I didn’t want to do anything after work. There was always something wrong with my health, despite my young age. After some time, the organization moved and I had to leave there. And, as time shows, it was right. In the place where I work now, everything is completely different. Much easier than before, emotionally. In addition, I had free time from work to help other people. And this is actually very interesting and not at all difficult. Additional motivation when you feel that you are bringing benefit to someone. Think about it, maybe you should decide to change something in your life. And then the desire and strength to live will appear.
Mikhail, age: 28/05/24/2017
Hello, Sasha. You wrote: “I want to write so much here, but it’s unlikely that it will help me in any way...” But I think that if a person has a need to express more than he says, this need must be satisfied. Perhaps it is in the unspoken words that you can understand something and find a way out of your difficult situation. I think we need to take advantage of this chance. I also realized that you have no one to talk to, try to see a psychologist, don’t isolate yourself. Happiness to you, Sasha, may a ray of light shine in your life.
Olga, age: 35 / 05/24/2017
Sasha, how come you didn’t think of seeing a doctor, a psychiatrist! It seems to me that you are suffering from depression, which means you need to treat it and recover. Your whole life is in front of you. The joy of life, the enjoyment of life will still be available to you.
Madame, age: 55 / 05/24/2017
Hello Sasha! Depression is a disease. And she needs to be treated. And it can be treated in different ways. It is imperative that you have a purpose and meaning in life. We can advise you to start your own family. According to my observations, people who get married cope with depression more easily. Or turn to God, become a Christian, this path has given many people joy and meaning in life. Or turn your attention to other people who really need help. It also gives you a desire to live when you understand that other people need you. And if all this does not suit you, then contact a psychologist or psychiatrist, it depends on the severity of your depression. But since you are in long-term depression, then you probably need to see a psychiatrist. But you have to live. We have to fight. We must win.
Arina, age: 27/05/24/2017
Dear! There is no need to be discouraged. It's difficult to advise. First of all, you are not alone. We are all living people and can lose motivation. There is a slight depression on the face. There is a positive. You are young, healthy, functioning normally - going to work, i.e. slight depression. You do not have the burden of incapacitated relatives, wife, children. This is positive, because hands are untied. For example, it’s easier for me to be lonely, and having a family is stressful. Come home from work and turn on not music, but some satirical speech, read something funny, for example. Visit your primary care physician. Find some hobby or passion. Lots of dating sites.
Kolobok, age: 47 / 05/24/2017
Hello. Sasha, it looks a lot like prolonged depression, so don’t put off visiting a psychotherapist. Take your vitamins, they will give you strength. And another piece of advice - fall in love! Start a family, every man needs care, guardianship, attention, feminine affection, and you are no exception. I think your mood will change, you can’t go against nature, as they say))) Good luck to you!
Irina, age: 29/05/24/2017
Dear Alexander, I would like to warn you that by freeing yourself from life in this way, you will not become free, since this is an unforgivable sin. Try to slowly figure out what’s wrong, try to figure out the meaning of a person’s suffering, why they are sent to him, maybe just if everything was fine, then you wouldn’t think about what you need, maybe it’s time to pay attention to what’s really important for each of us. This is to establish a relationship with God. Unfortunately, we people remember Him only when we feel bad. With the Lord in your heart, then death will be real freedom, but only when your time comes, when God decides so. And thoughts of suicide are being sent to you by the enemy of our salvation, drive them away! True freedom is in the Lord, because He is the Truth. I hope my message will help you, don’t give up, and then you will see how wonderful life is) I also had such a terrible state, I understand what you mean... but if you don’t give up, then everything will start to get better, look for the main thing this very Truth, get to know it... Take care of yourself. *** Life is beautiful in all its images: Speaking in everyday prose; In the descriptions of poets, figurative; In black clouds and in pink clouds... And she rushes - madly!.. Strikes with blows - crushingly! So that we forget to live sublimely... So that life is painful for all of us! I will make every effort, To touch eternity with my heart, To make life sparkle with its edges, Taking me into the world of infinity!
incognito, age: 26/05/24/2017
Sasha, there is always a reason for such a state: sometimes these are somatic reasons, sometimes it is an event for which you suppressed feelings, drove them inside yourself and it seems that you survived, but it comes out in the form of such an unwillingness to be. Maybe you do a lot of things that you don’t feel like doing. It’s good that you wrote here - this is at least some step to help yourself. When you can’t figure out the reasons, it’s best to consult a psychologist (not just anyone, by recommendation). It is clear that you have such a need. Normally, a person should be happy - this is his normal state. I wish you to find yourself again, the one who smiles when you wake up in the morning.
Anna, age: 36 / 05/24/2017
Great, why are you depressed? I read your letter and you can’t even imagine what a happy person you are. Let's break it down: 1. Your health is good 2. You have a job, you have income 3. You have family and friends 5. You are young, you can outshine everyone Here I have listed your main wealth. You're a grown guy, oddly enough, people have times when they want to die. So, I’ll tell you this is your life and only you can fix it, become happy. Stop becoming despondent, because despondency is also a human sin. Just get out of this state with the help of God and start living without looking back. What will help you is faith. You don’t need anyone to cry, all the strength and faith is already in you. Talk to God, because He is always with us. Ask for help, repent, start thanking and I’m sure changes will begin in a good direction. Everything is temporary, be patient and grateful, my brother. Happiness to you.
Just a guy, age: 23/05/24/2017
Hello Sasha! I'm very, very glad you posted here! And I’m glad that I saw it too and can write to you. The most important thing I want to ask you is to try, if you don’t accept it, then understand: either we control our thoughts, or they control us. When I accepted the second option, I felt about the same as you. Therefore, let me tell you WHAT NOT TO DO, so that you don’t get scared by your thoughts later. 1. Try not to listen to music while thinking about something. No matter how strange this advice may seem, it is very important. If you don’t go deep into medical terms, but to put it simply, then you are simply “twisting” yourself, cultivating a state in yourself that is then so difficult to recover from and so difficult to control. 2. No matter how pointless it may seem, do some things. In fact, this is also a good way to take a break from heavy thoughts. Moreover, when we understand that we are useful to someone (and you can help your parents), strength appears for other things that are useful to you directly - communication, walks, sports. 3. Communicate! Communicate!!Communicate!!! Treat communication as a cure for your condition: take (for now) twice a day))) That is, in the first half of the day you talked to someone, and in the second. 4. I could be wrong a thousand times, I’m sorry if that’s what you think, but such despondency can be due to a lack of understanding, acceptance, non-judgment, faith in the best in you, sincere support. Even one word can give all this, if it is from the heart and sincere - perhaps it’s worth looking for a psychologist, if not face-to-face, then at least on the Internet, you can find a free one. And you’re unlikely to go wrong if you talk to the priest - in any Orthodox church church (this is from personal experience, this moment in my recently hopeless life was key). 5. Watch videos about compassion. It’s so easy to google it - it’s difficult to explain what happens when you approach this topic, even passively. 6. Know about yourself that you are a good person. Know this firmly, and when doubting yourself: to do or not to do, say to yourself: “I will do as a good person would do.” 7. Don’t even doubt that this condition will pass! It is not necessary that all problems will suddenly disappear, but you will definitely be able and in the mood to solve them and at the same time enjoy life! Often only hormones are to blame for depression - so maybe this aspect is also worth thinking about? Hold on!!! Everything will definitely get better!
Natalia, age: 35 / 05/24/2017
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"You know, I'm fine"
The service's consultants present themselves as "emergency psychological assistance." And callers, according to Ternevskaya, sometimes ask: “Is it okay that I don’t have an emergency situation?” or: “Will you talk to me even if nothing like this happened to me?” They often start like this: “You know, everything is fine with me, I have a husband and a child,” “I make good money,” “Everything is fine with me, but for some reason I feel bad.”
“In life you always experience something difficult and difficult. This does not mean that something special is happening in it; external events can be completely ordinary. But from time to time we all experience difficult conditions associated, for example, with our disappointments in ourselves. Or with the loss of hopes, our plans. These are micro losses. And our task here is not to give up this experience.
Lyubov TernevskayaPhoto: Stanislava Novgorodtseva for TD
When people suddenly feel restless or sad, they say to themselves: “I need to have fun, I need to go meet my friends. This melancholy is some kind of stupidity, a misunderstanding.” And they throw it away,” Ternevskaya continues. — Usually we hear: “Get it out of your head,” “Let’s go have fun,” “You need to go on vacation.” So, you don’t need to do all this. You just have to experience it—walk with this experience. Look sad, sad, even angry. And think at this moment. Part with, perhaps, your expectations and self-images as well. Because when we part, they become a thing of the past. And you can continue to live, forgive yourself and others. But if I don’t do this, I don’t want to worry about something that makes me ashamed or disgusted, and if I don’t worry, but, for example, drink something, then it goes deep and doesn’t go away. And then sometimes the taste for life disappears. Because this taste can be bitter. It is not true that life should only be good. It should be different and complete. This is what people are fighting for - to experience it more deeply, to experience different states.”
What to do when it's really bad?
Everything that happens in our lives is evaluated. Good or bad.
Everything works out at work, you do interesting things, you are thanked for it in every sense - good. You have long ceased to understand what you are doing here, your work seems to be needed, but you are taken for granted - bad.
If you look at good and bad from a distance, as if you don’t care, then good and bad will look like the directions of a car navigator. If you are driving along a given route, the navigator is silent or “says”: “keep moving.”
If you are going the wrong way, he “screams” in a nasty voice, “you have gone off the route. Turn left or right." Then the assessment of good or bad for any events in life can be taken as a valuable indication. Of course, it’s more pleasant when the indication is “good”.
How can you accept a situation when the stakes are overwhelming? Theoretically, the idea is the same, to understand what the navigator is pointing to. Almost in a state where there are enemies on all sides, the head works in a different mode. What is there to understand, there would be time to fight back.
The most useful thing here would be to talk to someone about your “everything is bad.” The best option is with a close friend or someone you can trust. And it won’t hurt to relieve tension either. Favorite activity, relaxation, just a drink and sleep, anything that helps you relax. And then, back into battle, until you understand what the navigator is “screaming” about, he will not calm down.
And how, for example, should I be in such a situation, like I understand the signals of the navigator, I don’t sit in a certain place and don’t grieve, but I do something, change it in my life, but still life is somehow not the same as I would like. Here, most likely the matter is in the “section of the map” on which you walk. A section of the map is everything that should surround you.
For example, there is no sea on the map, but you need it. Therefore, the feeling of life is not the same. No matter where you turn, there is no sea nearby. Great, then we need to look for the sea. You need a normal job, let’s say you have defined the concept of normal for yourself, for example it could be the size of the salary, interest, the opportunity to develop. What really matters to you.
Great, now all that's left is to find a job (at sea). And there can be any number of such things in your life. It’s good if you have identified them and, at least in your dreams, imagined which card you like. If you don’t see the entire map, then it’s okay, the navigator just won’t offer you routes to unknown places on the map.
OK. Let’s say you’ve learned to negotiate with the navigator, you’ve also figured out the map, but you’re still not happy. Then it's most likely a matter of meaning. What's the point in what you're doing. Do you really like it or is this normal? Do you want to do this further? Do you happily talk about your work or profession, or do you just answer routinely? How often do people thank you for your work?
Meaning is your inner truth. How important and necessary to you is what you do, who and where you work. And if you are at odds with the meaning, then it is worth looking for. Perhaps your case will be mild and all you need to do is change your job or profession. Or maybe life is throwing you a real challenge and everything is much more serious. And I wish you patience and courage to continue your search and find your meaning. Everything will work out!
Author: Denis Rodionov
