Author of the article: Anna Aleksandrovna Narushevich Consultant psychologist, adolescent psychologist, family psychologist. Practical work experience: 15 years.
Oscar Wilde said: “He who looks back on his past does not deserve a future.” And this is not just one of hundreds of spectacular aphorisms of the famous writer. It contains the truth of life. The way we perceive the past directly affects our future. And no matter what exactly catches us in the past - bad or good, this anchor in any case prevents us from being happy here and now. Therefore, it is very important to be able to let go of the past and live in the present.
Why is it so hard
What we spend our energy on, both positive and negative, accumulates over time.
If you dwell on pain, regret and guilt, they will continue to haunt you. If you focus on happiness and joy, you will notice that there is more of it in your life. You've probably had situations in your life when you tried to get rid of stress, but as a result you started to get even more nervous. Or they wanted to calm down, but found even more reasons to worry.
The same thing happens when we try to let go of the past. Until we completely shift our attention to something else, we will continue to suffer from painful memories.
A simple explanation of why you shouldn't live in the past
To begin with, let's say that letting go of the past is difficult. It was not for nothing that Stevenson called memories “magic clothes” that we wear for a long time, ignoring reality. A source of joy with a pleasant aftertaste becomes like a drug.
What is valuable to a person is something for which he had to make an effort. Our certificates, diplomas, cups and even photographs are objects of pride, proof of work and success, as well as the fact that we are worthy of respect and recognition. Sometimes the only thing we have is our past accomplishments. Meanwhile, all these are just footprints in the sand, and we are ready to sit next to them, admiring them and not moving.
Unpleasant memories of old misconceptions, grievances and mistakes are important because they become a reason for excuses. Analyzing the past, a person calms down in the trap of his own memory and finds those responsible for his current failures. Hours are spent figuring out how past decisions and actions influenced fate. It even leads to absurd assumptions.
A person changes, and the past frozen in memory prevents development on the path to goals. Personal life and career seem ruined, parents are seen almost as villains, destroyers, and without reason, illogically. But we cannot find true peace and happiness in the past. It is necessary to learn to live in the present as quickly as possible.
Is it bad to live with memories? Yes, because these are invisible but strong shackles, a symbol of slavery, an escape from reality. A little nostalgia doesn't count; there's nothing wrong with it. You can’t just immerse yourself in the past all the time.
Those who love the old, “better” times will lose their motivation for further action and will be left with nothing. And those who nevertheless understand the unproductiveness of life with caution will regret the wasted years or decades.
Delving into the past is wrong from a psychological point of view. This is how we become deprived of living emotions in the present, fill our lives with ghosts, and rob ourselves.
Accept reality
Don't deny or push away painful memories. You can't focus on a problem and find a solution. Because the solution is always not where the problem is.
Try to switch. To do this, first accept reality. Don't argue with your thoughts and feelings. Don't resist. Don't push them away. Instead, allow them to exist.
For example, to come to terms with your guilt, tell yourself: “Yes, I am guilty.” If you cannot forgive the offense caused to you, say: “Yes, I cannot forgive this person.”
This doesn't mean it's all true. It's simply a way to control negative thoughts and emotions so they don't control you. By agreeing with them, you stop fighting. And if there is nothing else to argue about, then negative thoughts and memories lose their power. 1:0 in your favor.
Memories and guilt
So, the events of the past again flooded you with a wave of sad memories? This means you have a chance to improve. An important step in this process is working through one of the most destructive feelings - guilt . State the thesis that your action at that moment was the best thing you could do. But if your guilt is justified, determine your price for it and pay: correct the situation, if possible, apologize if you offended someone, or come up with your own option for atonement. But remember: redemption cannot involve eternal torment. After all, any punishment has a beginning and an end. On the other hand, it is also known that unpaid guilt can torment the consciousness for a long time until subjective justice is restored.
Analysis of desires
One of the most common desires caused by injustice is the desire for revenge. These thoughts often resurface in the victim's mind along with memories of the past. However, this motive does not bring any development for the individual, and more often it leads him to self-destruction. As spiritual practitioners say, everything in life is natural. It is important to accept the person who did you harm as a teacher who taught you a necessary lesson. He, your offender, acted only as a lever of the balancing force that brought him to you. After all, not a single meeting in life is accidental. Nothing happens for nothing. Or maybe you yourself once upset the balance, causing similar emotions in someone.
You probably think that you do not deserve such cruelty, because you are not a cruel person. However, the laws of life are not linear. And often, the human mind is not able to unravel the tangle of causes and effects. And what seems to us to be punishment may well turn out to be divine providence, which led us away from greater misfortune. Often this is true. I would say that the Universe teaches us lessons in gentleness commensurate with the level of our stubbornness. The thicker a person's forehead, the harder he has to hit it in order for him to realize something.
Of course, such reasoning can help get rid of memories that are not too tragic. But sometimes people leave us with traumas of such magnitude that it is difficult to forget them later. In this case, the idea that your drama or tragedy is a great test that is sent to you to enable a great leap in the evolution of your soul can explain the situation. Think about it, because forgiveness in this case can indeed become a transformative act for your personality. Much bigger and higher than revenge.
How to forget the past and start living in the present: 7 steps to a happy life, advice from psychologists
When embarking on the path of healing, you need to understand that negative events alternate with good ones. Everything is not always bad if a person does not deliberately tune in to receive negativity from life.
To forget the past, you need to realize what your personal guilt was and analyze the events. To sum it up, you need to forgive yourself and move on.
Looking for motivation, learning to set goals
The past cannot be changed, no matter how sincerely a person wishes it, but one can draw conclusions, learn lessons, and not repeat old mistakes in the future. Having a specific goal and developing plans to achieve it will help distract you from events.
We live here and now, change the situation
Items that remind you of bad things need to be removed, or better thrown out of the house. There should be no photographs, gifts, or things of your ex.
Memories that the brain can't handle
Does this happen often? Often. Our defense mechanisms were developed many thousands of years ago, when the signs of dangerous situations were relatively simple. Dark clouds - there will be a storm. Birds don't scream - there's a predator nearby.
But today's life is immeasurably more complex and confusing. The causes of problems, troubles and worries are more complex and confusing. Therefore, in our memories of them there are often inconsistencies and contradictions that disturb the brain and do not give it the opportunity to transfer memories for storage to passive memory.
Such memories are as annoying to the brain as they are to us. From a safety point of view, it is important for the brain to know exactly what led to the negative result, so that next time it can recognize such an opportunity in advance. Therefore, the brain returns to conflicting memories again and again, trying to eliminate the contradictions and understand for the future exactly what led to the problem or trouble.
It’s important for the brain to figure it out. Therefore, as soon as the opportunity and time free from business and impressions arises - late in the evening or early in the morning - the brain immediately throws such memories at us in the hope that you will help eliminate inconsistencies or contradictions.
Simply put, those unpleasant events that the brain constantly reminds us of torment it no less than us. And learning to get rid of such memories is in our shared interests with the brain.
Acceptance of what happened
You can get rid of memories from the past using the opposite method - take what happened as a given. Accept the idea that whatever happens to you then is natural and expedient, you needed this experience. This situation, no matter how unpleasant it may seem, saved you from larger consequences. And your behavior at that moment was the best thing you could do.
What seems like punishment to us may turn out to be divine providence, which led us away from greater misfortune.
How to learn to live on?
It is important to learn to live in the present day so that difficult trials from the past do not affect today's life. Remaining under the burden of negative feelings, it is impossible to build a new happy life.
Most try not to bring up the past and drive negative thoughts out of their heads. But it’s not that simple, and over time, feelings of guilt, pity and resentment come over you more and more.
You can learn to live a full, joyful life only when you really want it. This is a complex process that does not happen overnight. You need to try and direct your efforts to overcome negative thoughts.
In order to let go of the past, it is important not to forget, but to replay the situation and let it go. How does this happen?
Fill with concrete
Remember the joke about how the rich man and the poor man shared three wishes from the Goldfish? The rich man asked to remove all the poor from his living space, leaving only the elite equal in status there, and to surround this living space with a high fence so that no rogues could reach him. The poor man, in turn, asked the Goldfish to fill the pre-fenced space with concrete. It sounds rough, but sometimes you have to use rough methods to get results.
If nothing helps you get away from thoughts about the past, simply concrete the sarcophagus of your negative memories, forming layers of new positive impressions. You may first just have to forcefully remember that you once wanted to sign up for dancing or boxing, and go to the fitness center next weekend to find out the cost and schedule of classes. Remember that you dreamed of seeing the zoo in Berlin - by the way, one of the best in the world - and start planning a trip to Germany. Yes, just do physical labor, which in itself distracts from bad thoughts.
Maybe you should join some online community of interests, for example, photographers, musicians, chess players, and start communicating there. Many such online parties eventually go offline. Therefore, when such an opportunity arises - and it will definitely appear - you can go to a chess tournament, a music festival, or a photo exhibition in a new city.
And a few more words about your social circle. Look around carefully - maybe there is someone next to you who constantly reminds you of the difficult moments of your past? Maybe even out of a good desire to sympathize and support? If so, thank them and say that you no longer need such sympathy. If, under a good guise, there is an energy vampire hiding who needs your suffering, refer to your busyness and begin to gradually reduce the time of toxic communication.
Travels to the past
There is only a moment... The lines known to everyone for many years have convinced us of the superiority of the present.
But no matter how it is! We love this song, we even agree with the message it conveys... In words. In fact, the present occupies a very small part of our internal mental “decoration”. We can congratulate those who hold on not only to this moment, but also cling to future moments and live for upcoming achievements. Unfortunately, perhaps the majority, instead of sitting in the “now” or looking into tomorrow, are hopelessly lost in the past. They turn life into a museum, a historical center with a lot of archives, and they themselves become tour guides, endlessly showing themselves the rare exhibits placed and hung along the corridors and memory rooms.
There's nothing wrong with memories. And it would be impossible to live if we did not have the ability to store in the bins of memory a every second harvest of impressions. Memory protects and helps pave the route to the future. It is strikingly similar to a piggy bank with a bunch of valuable ideas, which at any moment, if you are lucky enough to reach them, can be pulled out and exchanged for a wise decision.
The value of memories lies not only in their practical application. How nice it can be to plunge into the past just like that, to savor past events! The exceptional pleasure lies in making your way from time to time through dusty corridors into hidden corners, coming across past situations that once provoked so many emotions - and experiencing these feelings again.
What can I say, the past would be an excellent thing, devoid of even an ounce of shortcomings, if everything were just as we described. Alas, very close to the beautiful painting to which the guide led us, there is a disgusting sculpture, and behind a row of delightful figurines a gloomy fresco is painted. The past does not consist entirely of positive pieces - it is extremely motley and colorful. It would be great if there were a lot more colorful colors, but, unfortunately, it varies. In addition, the picture is constantly changing; rich colors today do not guarantee the predominance of fifty shades of gray tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow we will plunge with a shudder into a completely different world of memories, as if the designer of existence decided to try himself in a new genre.
The phenomenon of rumination. How to deal with obsessive thoughts about the past?
Are you familiar with the situation when you go to bed in the evening, dreaming of rest, but that’s not the case! The brain is treacherously awake, deciding to recoup the stress of the day, and brings to consciousness a compromising event from the past that one so wanted to forget. Out of the blue, you suddenly remember your own shame 15 years ago, how unfairly you were treated, and how stupid you felt then. Mental chewing gum lasts for long hours of insomnia, during which you will definitely come up with thousands of witty answers that you should have said, but you remained silent. This process of immersion in one’s own past, which happened a long time ago, but for some reason continues to emerge in memory, causing painful inconvenience, is rumination.
Why is constant self-reflection on past failures dangerous?
As already mentioned, rumination is an obsessive thinking that concerns past events and contains reminders of negative experiences. Such fixation on failures often has a negative impact on the psyche, as it arises uncontrollably and not of one’s own free will. Displacing all other forms of mental activity, rumination leads to a depressed and even depressed state, accompanying insomnia with a feeling of guilt. Over time, this kind of soul-searching turns into a bad habit, takes away the mental resources of the individual and leads away from a productive solution to the problem.
Scientists have been able to prove the connection between rumination and the emergence of various types of addictions in humans. An individual prone to intrusive memories often has increased internal anxiety, which negatively affects his health. Rumination also leads to hormonal disorders - more cortisol is released into the blood of anxious people, which increases the risk of developing cardiovascular diseases and affects the functioning of the kidneys and gall bladder. Constantly chewing on negative events gives rise to self-doubt, increased demands on others and criticism, which naturally does not benefit a person’s socialization.
Reasons why the brain fixates on painful situations
Why does a person continue to twirl in his head a topic ten years ago that causes such acute emotions? The answer is simple - he is trying to create the illusion of solving the problem, saying that now he will think it over carefully and will not allow this to happen again. The mistake is that his attention is directed completely to the wrong processes. Instead of a cool-blooded analysis of his strengths and weaknesses, he begins to revel in his own humiliation, fixating on the search for shortcomings that only strengthen the belief in his insignificance.
If we look even deeper, a person who is prone to rumination does not learn to adequately cope with stressful situations. He is used to reacting passively to the unpleasant circumstances of life, considering himself a pawn in the hands of fate. “I am a victim who cannot change anything!” - this is the erroneous belief of such people, which leads to pronounced inaction and natural helplessness in a situation of stress. Such people are confident that nothing depends on them, their experience is not enough to solve the problem on their own, and the world around them cannot be controlled. But this is a false attitude.
How to deal with obsessive thoughts on your own?
First, you need to accept the simple fact that you cannot control the behavior or reactions of other people. You can change your own behavior by working with self-confidence and pacifying internal anxiety. But the attitude of others towards you is beyond your control; you just need to understand it and let it go. Next, it would be good to do some self-analysis: highlight your strengths and weaknesses, think about what you can change and what you should not focus on. There is no need to cry over a problem, you need to look for a solution. Thirdly, if thoughts persist, try to distract yourself! Familiarize yourself with the practice of meditation, do yoga, jogging, cleaning, reading, go out into the fresh air for a walk. Come up with an activity for yourself that will captivate you many times more than thinking about negative scenarios from the past. What can bring you joy?
Finally, another great way to combat rumination is to practice mindfulness. It is studied in cognitive psychology as a method of switching attention from an obsessive thought to finding a solution to a problem. The practice of conscious mindfulness involves the release of internal energy for specifically defined mental tasks. If this method does not lead to the desired result, seek help from a psychotherapist. Remember, it’s easy to fight an obsessive past, it’s just a bad habit that will require desire and a little perseverance to fight!
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