Let's talk about the obvious
Let's talk right away about the fact that a person does not always avoid because of personal hostility or some other internal problems. Do not forget that a person may indeed not have time to communicate due to sudden problems or some pleasant changes in life.
But there are other situations when avoiding communication with you has a basis that is better to recognize than not to know about it. We will talk about three such situations below.
Looking for reasons
What does a modern girl do when she notices that a young man who likes and cares about her stops paying attention to her, avoids meeting her and ignores her? That's right, he's trying to figure it out and find an explanation for this behavior. After all, being next to such a man is a test for a woman. She feels disadvantaged, unwanted and even unloved - all this oppresses and infringes on her feminine side.
She asks the question: why is he doing this to me? There are several reasons that explain why the man began to avoid meetings. Here is the version of the American psychologist, world-recognized expert on love relationships Gary Chapman, who clearly and clearly explains in his books why relationships change after marriage.
Perhaps it's the game?
In the world of adults, there is an unspoken game, the name of which is “closer-further”. She is adored by manipulators who don’t feed them bread - let them play on other people’s nerves. And this game is a great tool for connecting other people to yourself.
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The essence of the action is simple. First, a person becomes a part of the life of another, literally binds him to himself, and then disappears, taking with him the vivid emotions that he evokes. As a result, the “experimental” person is faced with a longing for bright and good impressions.
Both men and women love to make their partners fall in love with them this way. It would seem that everyone already knows about this game, but even adults and experienced people continue to fall for it.
So, if your new (or not so new) acquaintance first brought you happiness, and then suddenly disappeared, maybe it’s due to such a banal manipulation?
Isn't he married?
Let's dwell a little on the relationship of a married man to a woman. Perhaps, you yourself know the answer to the question why a married man avoids meetings and has become indifferent and ignores.
He doesn't need you. Most likely, the goal that he set for himself - to conquer you - has already been achieved. You simply fell into his network, then you became indifferent to him.
What do statistics say about how relationships between married men and their mistresses develop? Such novels often have no prospects. As long as passion bubbles in your chest, there will be relationships. Then he will start to avoid you. Do you need it?
The person is uncomfortable with your company
Is it possible that the person is avoiding not you specifically, but your new company, which is unpleasant to him?
The fact is that an adequate, adult person will never tell another with whom to communicate and how to build a dialogue with others. But at the same time, they soberly assess their desire to come into contact with certain people. Perhaps an old friend doesn’t like your new acquaintance, with whom you constantly spend time, and he simply decided to protect himself from meeting him?
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Whether this is true or not is easy to check. Having suspected this reason for detachment, you can always invite your old friend to communicate, with the proviso that no strangers will take part in the dialogue. If he willingly agrees, then it’s definitely not about you.
A striking example is the cooling of relationships between long-time friends due to one of them entering into a relationship. The second friend can either simply realize the fact that in a relationship she is the third wheel, or not share her friend’s delight in her other half (here it could be a matter of banal envy and jealousy or the ability to see what women do not notice in "rose-colored glasses")
Bad experience
Unfortunately, we do not have statistical data, but we are more than sure that every day a million or two hearts are broken on our planet. And not every victim is able to subsequently build a happy relationship with such baggage.
- The first reason is that the feelings have not yet cooled down. In this case, the search for new novels really smacks of meaninglessness - casual sex with a person you don’t care about will not fill the emptiness in your soul. But it can easily drive you into depression. If you're avoiding relationships because you haven't gotten over your old ones yet, start dealing with problems as they arise.
That is, sort it out with your ex-partner. Have a heart-to-heart talk, break up peacefully, or express everything that is boiling up in your mind - the conflict must be settled, and the relationship must be put to an end.
- The second reason is that your previous partner keeps you, as they say, “on a short leash.” You seem to have broken up, but it seems you haven’t. You continue to flirt with each other, periodically end up in the same bed, and your relationship leaves all your friends in slight bewilderment.
The time has come to take a critical look at your union and decide for yourself whether such a “swing” suits you - today your partner goes on a date, and tomorrow he writes to you and invites you to spend the night together. Such obscurantism does not allow you to let go of the past and move forward. And constant feeding of feelings does not allow you to stop loving your ex-partner. See point above.
- The third reason is lost self-esteem. Being abandoned is quite unpleasant. And if you were abandoned for someone who is more beautiful, sexier, more successful and richer than you, you receive a serious blow to your pride. First, stop comparing yourself with your opponent (rival) and focus your attention on your positive qualities. On those with which you once conquered your former love.
Don't be jealous of your ex-partner's new girlfriend or new boyfriend. Under no circumstances take revenge on either your partner or his passion. Sincerely wish them luck, forgive them and let them go in peace. Take care of yourself - your appearance, education, career, etc. But! Improve yourself for your own sake, not for the sake of revenge.
If you lose weight/get fat/get a second degree/travel, etc. not for your own sake, but for the sake of beautiful photos and the reaction from the former object of passion, disappointment, anger and emptiness will inevitably await you. Your yoga mat will end up on the balcony, your abs will grow, and your vacation photos will stop making you happy.
Life law: done wrong - hide
It is possible that the reason for the detachment is a simple law of psychology. Its essence is this: if a person has acted meanly and wrongly towards someone and is well aware of the consequences of his action, he begins to avoid the person he offended.
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Such situations are very common in the career field, where the practice of betraying colleagues for the sake of business growth is normal and common. Unfortunately, long-time acquaintances often take this step, tempted by bonuses, salary increases or the prospect of taking up a new position. And then they regret that they slandered another person or framed him. The result of such regret is attempts to avoid the one against whom the intrigues were directed.
Another example is the detachment of spouses after infidelity. Women who have had to deal with the infidelity of their partners are very familiar with this phenomenon, when at one point a man becomes distant. And everything seems to be fine, but he seems to be avoiding his wife. The reason is precisely this psychological law.
For communication to return to its previous course, it takes a little time for this same traitor to get used to the new state of affairs. The question just arises: do you need such communication?
Signs of counterdependency (how to detect it in yourself)
- You are experiencing problems in relationships with the opposite sex.
- You are afraid to get so close to your partner that you don’t become dependent on him.
- You are afraid of control, you want to be yourself and not have anyone interfere with you in this.
- More than once you have heard criticism from your partner that you don’t need anyone.
- You feel the need to always be right and the desire to constantly criticize inappropriately and out of place. Love to argue and prove that you are right.
- You don’t like asking for help and don’t like asking at all, you consider it humiliation.
- You are afraid to seem weak, even when it comes to a loved one.
- You place high demands on yourself and other people.
- You feel angry and angry when someone does something differently than you would like.
- You are a workaholic, you love to work, you overload yourself with things - this applies not only to work, but also to household chores, where you must do everything yourself, otherwise others will only ruin everything.
- You don't know how to relax. This also applies to the body - you are always toned, concentrated, tight.
- Often say “no” to something new, and do it quite emotionally, sometimes unreasonably. “No” to something new is your first reaction to any change.
What to do if a person who suddenly began to be avoided
If suddenly an old acquaintance or even a close friend begins to avoid your company, it is worth deciding on the reason. You need to act based on it. And there are only two options for the development of events.
If, during the course of reflection, it was determined that the distance in communication occurred due to lack of time, there is definitely no need to worry. But pestering someone with offers to meet and chat is not a good idea. It's worth waiting until your friend's life situation changes. Or make an effort to make it happen as soon as possible.
When this is the case for other reasons, you need to think again: is communication with that same person really necessary for you? After all, you must admit that communicating with manipulators who are accustomed to treating others as if they were puppets that can be controlled does not lead to good things. A person who has betrayed you once is not your best acquaintance, much less a close friend.
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What do recluses who avoid social interaction have in common?
geralt / Pixabay
The profiles of shy and avoidant personalities are similar. They are aggressive and not very creative. Both get less joy from activities that are usually enjoyable. Unsocial people are completely different. They are unlikely to be aggressive, but they often have strong creative abilities. They are not particularly gullible or optimistic, but they are very cautious and are not eager to try new things.
There are two more personal categories that avoid social life.
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Rejected.
Such people withdraw from social life because others push them away. They admit: “People around me don’t want me to communicate with them.” They don't choose to be alone - they are rejected. Such people are most susceptible to developing psychological problems and are at risk of becoming a victim of violence.
What is social phobia?
In psychology, fear of communicative interaction with others is called social phobia. Social phobes are different - for some, communication with people causes only mild difficulties and uncertainty, while others experience real fear, which prevents them from leading a normal lifestyle, forcing such individuals to hide from others and turning them into real recluses.
In most cases, social phobia can be successfully treated. A competent psychologist can help a person get rid of this problem. If the fear of communication is not expressed so strongly that it can be called a real phobia, then a person, as a rule, can cope with it on his own.
Symptoms and signs of social phobia
If a person experiences fear of communicative interaction, then in a frightening situation his body begins to react accordingly. Social phobia can be recognized by certain signs. While talking with other people, a person experiences:
- cardiopalmus;
- dry mouth, feeling of a lump in the throat;
- voice trembling, slurred speech, stuttering;
- muscle tension and nervous tremors in the body;
- facial redness;
- increased sweating;
- abdominal cramps.
A social phobia person may exhibit all or some of these symptoms. Depending on the degree of fear, they can be weak, moderate or strong. The more pronounced these signs are, the more difficult it is for an individual to contact others. This is why many social phobics are forced to sit at home, alone, avoiding any communication.
A specialist will help you overcome fear
If your social phobia has already grown to impressive proportions and you are unable to overcome your fear on your own, seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.
He will help you identify the causes of your fear and select the most effective methods to combat it, and offer special training. In some cases, a specialist may recommend that you initially take sedatives to relieve trembling, palpitations and other unpleasant symptoms.
If you have a fear of communication, be sure to try to overcome it. Don't deprive yourself of the joy of communicating with people!
How to overcome the fear of communicating with people?
Getting rid of the fear of communicative interaction is not only possible, but also necessary. If you suffer from a similar problem, start fighting it as early as possible, otherwise fear will haunt you constantly, poisoning your entire existence and depriving you of many pleasant moments in life.
So, let's look at the most effective methods of combating social phobia, which are recommended by experts in the field of psychology.
- When communicating, try not to think about what the other person will think of you. Thoughts that you seem funny, stupid or boring to him automatically set you up for negativity. It's better to focus on the conversation itself, and not on the impression you make. In addition, most people are so busy thinking about their problems that they don’t think much about the other person. So, you have nothing to worry about.
- Become a good listener. If you don't know how to be a good storyteller, learn to listen to others. Many people feel the need to tell someone about their problems, to pour out their souls. Therefore, they will be very happy to find a grateful listener.
- Practice your communication skills daily. If you want to succeed in communication interactions and get rid of the fear of communication, make it a habit to communicate with someone every day. Do this in any convenient case - in a store, transport, clinic, bank. Public places are very convenient to exercise. For example, you can ask a passer-by for directions, ask a salesperson in a store about a product you are interested in, or at a clinic you can ask people in line for information about the doctor you are going to see. The main thing is to take advantage of every convenient opportunity to talk to someone.
- Develop a sense of humor. Cheerful people who know how to joke always attract others. Memorize jokes and funny jokes and apply them to the occasion. This way you will not only defuse the situation, but also arouse the interest of your interlocutor.
- Smile and make eye contact. During the conversation, behave at ease, smile friendly and do not avoid eye contact with the interlocutor. This will help tune in to the conversation not only for you, but also for him.
- Don't take your failures to heart. Get ready for the fact that it will not immediately be possible for you to communicate freely with others. But don't get hung up on failed attempts. Negative experiences are also experiences. Just take into account your mistakes and try not to repeat them in the future.
- Increase your erudition. The more a person knows, the easier it is for him to carry on any conversation. Be interested in world news, achievements of science, technology, medicine, culture and art, watch educational TV shows, read books, newspapers, magazines. And then you will definitely find a topic for conversation with almost any interlocutor.
- Take an acting class. This recommendation will be useful for children and adolescents who have difficulty communicating. In such courses they teach you to relax, express your emotions and transform into different images.
- Communicate by phone and internet. If you still find it difficult to participate in live communication, take advantage of the capabilities of modern technologies. Start with the simplest thing - correspondence on the Internet, gradually move on to telephone conversations, and when you feel confident enough, live communication will no longer cause you such anxiety.
