What to do if your mother died: how to survive death and move on if it’s bad

Analysis of the mourner's behavior

Psychologists note that in the first two weeks after the tragedy, virtually any reaction of orphaned children to grief is considered normal, be it a state of disbelief and apparent peace or aggression unusual for the target.
Any feature of behavior these days is a consequence of the process of restructuring attachments in that part of a person’s life that the mother has so far occupied. A sudden feeling of emptiness in nature does not always mean death; it also serves as a signal to us about a sudden loss. This explains the unstable behavior of people who, after the death of their mother, either fall into a “waiting mode” or begin to blame others for injustice. The image of a loved one appears to them in the crowd, his voice is heard from the telephone receiver; sometimes it seems to them that the sad news was wrong, and everything remains the same, they just need to wait or get the truth from outsiders.

If the mother's relationship with her children was contradictory and ambivalent, or showed strong dependence on both sides, the experience of grief may be pathological and expressed in an exaggerated reaction or delayed emotions. It is also bad if, in addition to the process of natural loss, anguish of a social nature is added: what will relatives think, how will they perceive the mourning of an employee in the work team?

Experts insist that no difficulties in understanding the situation by others should affect a person’s psychological need to go through all stages of grief at a measured pace. If the mourner has an urgent need after the death of his mother to complete some things that were important to her and spend time solving her lifetime problems, then this must be done. If he wants to live a little more according to the rules she once established, he cannot be prevented from doing so.

Over time, understanding the importance of leading your own full life and competently placing emphasis in favor of pressing problems will transfer the attitude towards the image of the deceased mother to a deeper, spiritual level. As a rule, this occurs a year after a family tragedy and is the natural end of the mourning period

From prolonged depression to neurotic disorder

Prolonged depression is fraught with neurotic personality disorder. The transition to an irreversible state occurs in four stages. Each is characterized by an increasing depletion of a person’s adaptive capabilities and severe mental stress.

Stage 1 – inappropriate behavior. A person's reaction to stimuli is immediate. Every remark or sideways glance can provoke hysteria or aggression in response. Social norms require hiding obvious emotions, showing tact and understanding, and respect for other people's feelings.

Stage 2 – acute neurosis. Emotional instability leads to physiological disorders. This also includes “eating” negativity, passivity, and neglect of external conditions. The body does not receive enough oxygen and accumulates excess carbon dioxide.

Stage 3 – anxiety and irritability. A lack of oxygen in the blood quite naturally leads to disruptions in the cardiovascular system. Emotionally, this results in anxiety and irritability. The subsequent insomnia and increased fatigue lead to a decrease in brain activity.

Stage 4 – neurotic personality development. A depressed psychological state significantly reduces self-esteem. Compared to others, a person begins to feel worthless and untalented. The aggravation is stronger, the more successful he was before.

Alcohol and other bad habits do not provide peace, but, on the contrary, drag you deeper and deeper into the bottom of life in a whirlpool. The imaginary Land of Dreams, which one finds oneself in for a while, is not able to dispel depression, but only aggravates it.

How to survive the death of your mother: advice from a psychologist

Psychologists are often asked about what to do when I cannot come to terms with the death of my mother. Most often, working with a psychologist and following his recommendations is enough, but in severe cases, you may need to visit a psychiatrist and take medications.

What to do?

First you need to give yourself some time. Many people cope with the situation themselves, but this does not happen right away. If acceptance does not occur for too long, you need to find a psychologist with whom you will be comfortable working.

You shouldn’t give up being active and solving organizational issues. Activity helps to distract yourself and prevents you from dwelling on grief. You should do as much as possible in the first time after your mother’s death: after organizing a funeral or cremation, a wake, sort out the deceased’s belongings, resolve inheritance issues, and receive relatives who came from other cities and countries.

If there is such a need, you can get rid of reminders of the loss. This is not a manifestation of ingratitude, but an attempt to reduce the significance of the loss, reducing the intensity of the pain. Some people, on the contrary, tend to leave everything as it is.

How to cope with loss?

Alcohol, drugs and other destructive methods that help you forget and temporarily relieve pain should not be used. Such options can lead to the development of addiction and negatively affect health. It is better to find healthier ways to relieve your emotional state: talking with friends, sports, helping others, communicating with your children, sisters, brothers, father, keeping diaries. The methods are individual for each person, you need to find the right one.

There is no point in trying to suppress feelings. Because of this, psychosomatic pathologies may develop. Both women and men can cry. It is also useful to speak out. However, to do this, you need to choose people with whom you have a trusting relationship: communicating with critics who try to devalue feelings will only do harm.

There is no need to replace the mother with other people. A husband, children, father, friends can make life better, give it more meaning, but they cannot replace a mother.

You cannot give up and strive to die. Most often, there are other people and pets who can give meaning to life. We must remember that the mother did not want misfortune for her child; she would be glad if his future life was happy, filled with pleasant events and meaning.

How to let go?

Most often, it is possible to let go only after going through all the stages. If anger or guilt after the death of your mother lingers too long, and you cannot get out of a depressive state on your own, it is recommended to seek the help of a specialist.

Psychologists recommend going to the cemetery and talking with the deceased. If a person is a believer, prayers can help. In addition, it is useful to write letters to the deceased, where, in addition to memories of the past, there will also be stories about what is happening now. This illusion of communication often helps to cope with grief faster.

How to deal with feelings of guilt?

It is possible to come to terms with the death of your mother only by ceasing to feel strong guilt. You should turn to logic. If the cause of death was the mother’s illness, the child most often was not able to influence the situation in any way; some pathologies cannot be cured. If a woman died alone in an apartment, the cause of death was also not the absence of children nearby - old age and the presence of somatic diseases also need to be taken into account.

Religion will help believers get rid of negative emotions. It should be borne in mind that God decides when a person dies; the children of the deceased are not to blame for what happened.

How to ask for forgiveness?

Children who have experienced the death of their parents often feel the need to ask for forgiveness. Since this can no longer be done in person, severe emotional discomfort is possible.

The last point says a lot about a person

Chekhov drinks deadly champagne. Pushkin eats cloudberries from the hands of his beloved wife... What do they usually ask for at such moments?

Tatiana Chalenko:

I was shocked by the incident. I was courting an amazing woman. She ran a small orphanage for mental retardation in the Tver region. Taught six people to speak. She was selfless and served people. And so my relatives and I are sitting at her bedside, and she bequeaths that after her death we will take her to where the orphanage is, cover her with firewood, burn her, and scatter her ashes over the village. However, there are no signs of dementia or other mental disorders. She just wanted to lose herself in her calling...

Contemporary art is increasingly turning to understanding human experiences of the approaching end... Haneke’s film “Love” collected all possible world awards. The plot is simple and complex at the same time: two very old people who love each other very much are trying to maintain dignity in the hopelessness of an illness that first takes away their physical strength and then takes away their mind...

Tatiana Chalenko:

We must die with dignity. As the prayer says: “not shameful.” Delicacy and patience are what a caregiver needs to learn. A person should not be humiliated, even if he no longer remembers his name, and his body is absolutely helpless...

Anatoly Antonov:

I recently found myself in the hospital. I was skiing and broke my hip. Didn't take age into account. The surgeons laughed: where is this skier? So this is about decent care. In my presence, a man died right in a wheelchair, without waiting for a place in the ward. Medical brothers and sisters talk in the presence of a dying person: this one is going to die, the bed will be free. It’s so scary to die among absolutely indifferent people. There is no talk of delicacy, physical and psychological, which old people need even more than young people.

Alexey German:

I was amazed how difficult it is to admit an elderly person to hospital and how minimal his chances of survival there are. This disregard for people of advanced age is a colossal problem. Today's attitude towards survival is ugly, as is the term “survival age”. Where did this come from? Oddly enough, this is a question about religion, education, morality, and a question about a very modest pension.

But here is a sick person at home... Having rushed to his aid, loved ones often do not count on their strength for years of methodical and largely ineffective work... And then the question arises: is caring for a sick mother a sacred duty or a punishment? And cases when relatives behave in such a way that you want to say: “Better leave!” are not uncommon...

Alexey German:

Probably the worst thing that can happen at such a moment is when relatives begin to get angry with each other. This happens very often. When children become tense, when the person himself feels like he is not being given something. It seems to me that dignity lies in somehow stopping yourself.

We must live thinking about the end, and then life will be both joyful and beautiful. And we drive our fear underground

Tatiana Chalenko:

Only an immature soul can raise the question of punishment. It is important to help her mature. Our beloved relatives - mothers, aunts, grandmothers - believe me, they understand everything... There is a very short period of time when you understand that you cannot help. When your mother does not recognize you and considers you her mother, this, of course, is shocking. But you are given the opportunity to love her a little more, to stroke her hand or head - while she is breathing, looking at you, while she is still warm... Does she see and hear? You need to ask for forgiveness, maybe get some orders. Can't hear you anymore? It's important to hold hands. Stroking little by little, even just touching the body, head, hair a little. We, sisters of mercy, know how important it is for a person to feel that he is not the only one dying. Someone sits next to him and breathes with him. I have been caring for patients for almost 25 years. As a rule, it happens like this: you went out the door, into the kitchen for a minute, and the person died. So this is a great gift from God to see him leave, to hear his last breath. A gift to your soul.

The hero of Sergei Livnev’s new film “Van Gogh” (he is very accurately and subtly played by Alexey Serebryakov), next to his father who has fallen ill with Alzheimer’s, is cured of indifference, incompleteness of existence, selfishness, ambitions... It turns out that in order to be human, you need to go through this too?

Tatiana Chalenko:

Caring for elderly people with dementia is a difficult but heart-saving story.

In Kaluga, an 86-year-old grandmother left home at night and froze to death. Society has fallen on his son, who himself has long been a pensioner... But does everything depend on relatives? Do they need support themselves?

Tatiana Chalenko:

I'm counseling a family. An elderly woman - 94 years old. Simple, poorly educated, hard worker. Her violations are already very extensive. And two daughters, you know, are old. How they look after their mother! How they patiently love, despite her endless questions, some childish actions. How they serve her! When you look at this, you want to live, and you believe in people, and you are happy, despite the terrifying situation! Everything is very simple, poor, meager. There is no money for dressing materials. But not an ounce of despondency or self-pity, only love and good humor.

True love only happens in old age. When you look at your husband and think: I didn’t love him before, but now I love him!

Alexey German:

Luckily, I don't know what dementia is. My dad died slowly, long and scary. He was very seriously ill for 20 years. We knew it. This knowledge was always there. In the case of my mother, everything happened very quickly. On the one hand, elderly parents are a terrible challenge. This is when you start to understand medicine. When you are overcome by shameful fatigue, and you live in endless anticipation of tragedy. But on the other hand, it is mutual understanding and happiness from the fact that you can come to them and feel that you are not alone and there will be no one closer to your parents.

"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"

The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .

The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:

frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine guidance (among esotericists - about fate and karma);
visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places;
a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head;
often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).

During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.

From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.

Treatment

A person may have difficulty overcoming depression due to the following circumstances:

thanatophobia occurs;
pain from interruption of emotional connection;
lack of feeling of security;
strong confidence in one's guilt;
resentment towards the person who left and left the grieving person;
misunderstanding why this happened and the loved one is now gone.

Then you can’t cope without the help of a doctor. Psychotherapy sessions have proven themselves the most. However, in very advanced or profound conditions, medications may be prescribed, namely:

antidepressants;
neuroleptics;
tranquilizers.

The doctor may also prescribe:

a course of vitamin therapy;
physiotherapy;
nootropic drugs.

The doctor also advises to follow the correct daily routine and not break it.

With a bright memory, escape from depression after the death of loved ones

We, people with the anal vector, remember all the good things done to us. We want to avoid being left in debt. We want to return exactly as much as they once gave us. But after the death of a loved one, we understand that we were late, we didn’t have time. This feels like a state of depression. They could, but they did not provide love, understanding, care, and participation to their parents.

We reproach ourselves for the fact that a hundred times we wanted to take our mother to the sea, take our father to his favorite fishing trip, and simply spend weekends with them more often, sometimes call them in the evening, but we got wrapped up and got stuck. And now there is no one, no one to go to. And depression after the death of my mother paralyzes the ability to do anything.

Feelings of guilt can painfully and for a long time drag a person back with shackles, to a place where nothing can be changed. But this property of the anal vector can not destroy, but have a constructive effect and help get out of depression after the death of mother, father, grandmother, grandfather - those to whom, it seemed, there would still be a moment to say thank you.

After all, in the past you can unearth not only reasons for reproaching yourself, but concentrate on what you are grateful for to your parents, dear ones and loved ones.

Remember how your mother’s caring hands cooked pies for you and always cut off the most ruddy piece, how your father’s inept hands braided your hair, afraid to awkwardly pull a strand, how your grandparents cried and were proud when you received your diploma, how at any of your calls and even without him, these hearts were ready to take all your adversities upon themselves.

How much happiness you gave each other! Although it is not possible now to kiss your beloved cheeks and say thank you, you can take this feeling of gratitude to other people and, with the name of your parents, give into the world the same warmth that your parents gave you.

What did your parents always want most? So that everything goes well for you, so that the work is to your liking, so that comfort and understanding reign in your home. To make you happy. You can give this to them now. Then gradually the stupor and depression after the death of your mother will no longer hang like a chain on your life in the present. Only bright sadness and gratitude will remain in the heart.

Don't hide your emotions

Cry. Don't be shy about your feelings. You have lost not only your dad or mom, you have lost the main thing in life - a teacher, a reliable friend and protector, you have lost a role model. You have every right to cry as much as you need.

Let out your anger. It is natural to be angry in such a situation. This is one of the stages that people go through when something bad happens to their loved ones.

At first you don't want to believe what happened. It's shock and denial.
Then it seems to you that your loved one is alive, and you even see him in the crowd or wait for him to walk through the door. This is where the search takes place.
The understanding that the parent cannot be returned leads to despair.
Anger is expressed in anger at the whole world and at the parent himself for allegedly abandoning you.
Anxiety and guilt can lead to depression if you do not cope with your emotions and do not accept what happened as an irreversible fact.

Read more: How to become a popular teenager?

Unleash your aggression. Find a way that is harmless to yourself and others. Go to the gym, hit a punching bag, run, pedal on a machine, scream in the middle of the forest. If your emotions do not find a way out, you will let off steam in portions, and even without meaning to, you can offend loved ones, classmates, teachers, without thinking that they are not to blame for your grief.

"Negation"

The countdown of the stages of experiencing grief begins from the moment a person learns about the misfortune that has befallen him, and the first wave of reaction occurs on his part. Otherwise, the stage of denial is called shock, which best characterizes the onset of the following symptoms:

mistrust;
irritation towards the one who brought the news;
numbness;
an attempt to refute the obvious fact of death;
inappropriate behavior towards the deceased mother (attempts to call her, waiting for her for dinner, etc.)

As a rule, the first stage lasts until the funeral, when the person can no longer deny what happened. Relatives are advised to protect the mourners from preparing for the funeral ceremony and allow them to speak out and throw out all their emotions, which primarily express bewilderment and resentment. It is useless to console a person who is at the stage of denial - information of this kind will not be perceived by him.

Negative effects of depression

So, depression is natural and even necessary for a person who has experienced stress. Why is prolonged depression harmful? Let's start with the fact that a state of complete isolation from the external environment is not typical for humans. He needs socialization, information and energy exchange, and emotional support from the outside. The restrictions imposed are akin to a mono-diet, when a person consumes only his own reserves and also keeps all negative experiences to himself. Gradually, the habit transforms into a way of life. Spiritual exhaustion and mental intoxication are perceived as the norm. Moreover, there is a fear of ordinary communications with people, and psychological disorders begin.

Psychologists' opinion

In order for the pain to truly subside, it is important to go through all the stages of “grieving”:

State of shock (1-3 days). The message about the death of the mother initially leads to a stupor. The person denies reality. It seems that this is a mistake, a bad dream, etc. He has to confirm the fact of death again and again. Some people do not get out of this state for many years, or even their entire lives. For example, a daughter leaves all her things to her mother, hoping that someday they will be useful to her again.
Sobbing (1-9 days of death). During this period, a person is overcome by the most powerful emotions, he feels pain, despair, and cries a lot and heavily. At times, sobbing is replaced by complete physical and emotional exhaustion. This is especially common immediately after a funeral.
Depression (up to 40 days). Relatives and loved ones return to their former lives. There is less and less support. There is an acute feeling of emptiness, strong melancholy and anger.
Mourning (up to a year). Emotions subside. Acute pain appears only occasionally. A person realizes his loss, spends a lot of time with memories, carefully sorts them out, and tries to talk to someone. When sadness sets in, she cries.
Anniversary. An important moment when all relatives gather again. It is customary to celebrate this day with remembrance, wakes, prayer, and a trip to the cemetery. Such a ritual should help to finally say goodbye and let the mother go. Not necessarily on the same day. Mourning can last up to 1.5 years. Then, unless stuck, the daughter or son returns to everyday life. At times they feel the same emotions, but the general condition remains satisfactory.

Important. Nature has a natural mechanism for dealing with grief

Interfering with it or neglecting it is fraught with consequences. A person can get stuck at a certain stage, which means falling into a long-term depression. It’s not for nothing that our ancestors invited professional mourners to funerals. They helped me get in the right frame of mind. Therefore, at first you need to step back from all important matters, take a vacation, send your children to visit you so that you can cry enough. At the same time, it is strictly not recommended to suppress feelings with alcohol, sleeping pills or sedatives.

Grief for mother's love

I learned that Cheryl always obeyed her mother. “We were a model family that only looks good from the outside,” she said. “In fact, mom rarely showed love.” Her mother went to church, had high expectations for her children (there were three of them), and forced them to do well in school. “She died quite sadly,” Cheryl said. “She was of the old school and proud of herself all her life, but she died in the arms of doctors. If she was on your side, you felt militant love. But she didn't share her problems. She said: “I don’t like people who poke their nose into my affairs.” She just lived her life."

It was very difficult for Cheryl's mother. She suffered enough as a child without receiving her mother's love. I began to understand the reasons for her rigidity: it was a necessary survival mechanism. In our sessions, we acknowledged that Cheryl loved and respected her mother, but also grieved for the mother she wished she had had: a more loving, more empathetic one.

Sometimes Cheryl would emerge from her pod and become cheerful, especially when talking about her 14-year-old son Jackson. Then she looked into my eyes and smiled. I felt her great love for him. Like many mothers, it was hard for her to see her son upset about his grandmother's death. It seemed unbearable to her. Cheryl intuitively felt that she had to relieve her son of sadness so that he would “be okay,” as her mother told her. We have recognized that this maternal reassurance instinct is often hard-wired into women, but it has the downside that it suppresses difficult feelings in children.

I have nightmares after my mother's death. How to stop feeling guilty?

Good afternoon, Lera!

I sympathize with you and share your grief. Losing your mother at such a young age, and even due to suicide, is a terrible stress.

I ask you to understand, accept and realize that life happened the way it happened, and it could hardly have happened any other way. We cannot live life for other people, we cannot force them to think the way we think. Every person has the right to freedom of choice: you have it, your mother had it.

Feelings of guilt, and, as a result, nightmares at night in such a situation, are absolutely natural. It is simply difficult for you to come to terms with and accept death as such. What could you do then? How could you help? Would this be a successful attempt?

Lera, first of all, forgive yourself, stop taking responsibility for someone else’s decision to leave this life.

What if, God forbid, you had a similar situation in your life as your mother? Are you sure you would have acted appropriately? And would you listen to other people's advice? Would you blame your children for YOUR decision (even if it was wrong and terrible)?

So, the first thing is a clear acceptance and awareness of the above. The second is negative emotions and feelings. They need to be worked out. Necessarily. Preferably with a specialist. If this is not possible, use the “Letter” technique: imagine that you now have the opportunity to write a letter to your mother, she will definitely read it. Describe everything that you would like to tell her: do not be shy, give yourself free rein in this letter, display all the emotions, feelings and thoughts that you harbor. You can write several letters (one per day or every 2-3 days) - you will see how with each new letter, your cry from the soul will be quieter, the pain will go away, and acceptance and humility will come to replace it. Burn the letter each time (better in the fire of a wax candle, put the ashes in the bathroom), then gently walk each finger of your hand over the flame, let it burn a little more, looking at the flame is very useful in any case!

The process of grieving over the deceased is the process of LETING GO of him. Let go of your mother’s soul, and, in turn, forgive her for such a serious mistake. After all, THERE she understood and realized everything a long time ago, and, I think, she suffers from feelings of guilt no less than you. Don’t hold it like that, let each other go in Peace, help mom go into LIGHT and PEACE. Then you will calm down, and there will be no more nightmares.

I wish you to find peace of mind and lightness as soon as possible.

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Communicate

Talk to friends or relatives.
The emotions that we hold back often cause irreversible harm to health and cause serious illnesses. No matter how difficult it is, do not turn away from your friends and acquaintances. Are you encouraged to speak up and share your feelings? Do this even if you don't know the person well. Ask friends or family for help. Don’t close yourself off, talk about your experiences and fears. Ask what to do. Read more: How to talk to your parents?

Support the parent who continues to live near you. Remember that you are not the only one who is having a hard time. Imagine what it's like for mom or dad. Together with the death of a loved one, they lost a part of themselves. Support each other. Go through a difficult period together and start a new life.

How to survive the death of your mother: advice from a psychologist

The moment came when I felt that I didn’t know how to survive the death of my mother; I needed the advice of a psychologist like air. For many, this awareness of the need for outside help does not occur immediately, but after a certain time. For me, this stage came after six months of melancholy.

It would seem that it was time to come to terms, but for some reason it only became harder for me, and I began to collect information that would help me get out of depression:

1. Don't be alone with your grief. Even if you want to lock yourself at home and cry, look for someone with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk. You are going through a difficult emotional period and it is normal to seek support from others. It may be awkward for the other person to continue the conversation for fear of causing you additional suffering. Don't ask for active dialogue. Your task is to speak out, share your feelings of longing and memories. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you feel that you need the help of a professional psychologist.

2. Don't try to speed up the grieving process. Don't rush to get your life back on track, give yourself enough time to accept the situation. Don't compare yourself or listen to others compare how long it took someone else to mourn. Each situation and each person is individual: some can smile after a week, others remain in apathy for years.

3. Keep the memory of your deceased mother. Yes, she is not around, but she will remain in your heart. Record fond memories of her, treasure her favorite little things, learn to bake a pie using her signature recipe. Collect stories related to her from her friends and acquaintances. This will help replace the pain of loss with a feeling of light sadness and establish a connection with your mother on a new level.

4. Take care of your physical well-being. Grief is very exhausting and leaves an imprint on your health. Allocate 7-8 hours to sleep, eat normally, and at least occasionally engage in physically active activities.

5. Analyze which moments without your mother hurt you the most. Perhaps you always went shopping together before. Or on Sundays we went to the cinema. Or every evening we had a tea party with our favorite cookies. Make a similar list and try to avoid such situations alone - invite friends, call relatives. Fill the void with communication!

6. Change your usual schedule of activities and hobbies. If you used to meet with your mom on weekends, sign up for yoga classes at this time. Find a new hobby, meet interesting people, visit unusual places in the city.

7. Remember that your mother did not want to hurt you by leaving. Imagine what emotions she would experience looking at her child’s happiness! Live life to the fullest as if it were watching you from above!

There is nothing new or unusual in the advice of a psychologist on how to survive the death of a mother. But it happens that it is a recommendation, opinion or hint received from the outside that opens up the path of mental healing for you, forces you to re-analyze the situation and your condition and find the strength to live on.

Stage No. 1: what to do at the very beginning

Photo by Alex Green: Pexels
There is a concept called “extreme grief.” There is a synonymous concept “shock”. This condition is typical for the first time after the loss of a loved one. After the sad news has been received, it is very important not to be alone with yourself.

You should contact your relatives, friend, or good acquaintance as soon as possible. That is, those people who can provide support.

It may also be that the sad news befell you when you are in another city, or even another country.

In this case, it is also important that, at least via telephone or video call, you can contact those people who can provide support. They will listen and allow you to throw out all the pain from the loss.

Much important at the initial stage is the organization of the funeral. If you are not able, due to severe mental shock, to take care of it yourself, it is important to find those people from your environment who can help organize the funeral. They will take care of all organizational issues.

If you still take on the organizational issues, it is important to start by looking for a funeral agency and agreeing on the place and time of the funeral. Choose a place for the wake: if the budget is limited, the wake can be at home. In this case, it is important to cooperate with relatives or friends, who will bring what, and how they can help.

Be sure to call all those who must attend the funeral. Tell them the time and place.

Important! At this stage, as a rule, the consciousness of the grieving person is scattered. He may forget information or get confused about it. Therefore, you need to write everything down so as not to disorient yourself.

It is important to consider whether there are small children in the family. Particular attention should be paid to how to tell them the sad news so as not to cause psychological trauma.

You should take into account how strongly the child was attached to his grandmother. If the connection was very strong and the loss will be just as shocking for the child, it is better to consider the option of someone who can sit with him during the funeral, and provide information about the death not directly, but like: “Grandma is now on the clouds and is now always watching us. She became our guardian angel."

How to cope with the death of your parents?

Kaisar Dauletbek

This summer, my close friend, with whom we grew up, passed away.

She died suddenly. Doctors said it was lupus. When trying to determine the cause, one of the possible factors was a sudden change in climate. Two years ago they moved to Spain. When a person who cyclically exposes himself to forty-degree frosts moves into daily twenty-degree heat, this affects his health.

She was often taken to doctors; she always had health problems. Everyone is used to it, and so is she. But the doctors said that it was lupus only after she died.

Lately we have stopped communicating closely, and I scold myself for it. When she was admitted to the hospital, I didn't think about the seriousness of the whole situation. I thought maybe it was another check.

When her organs began to fail on the third day, I realized that I had to go to the hospital and at least find out how her parents were doing. Her dad was always looking for the necessary medicine. Over the course of two days, he flew to Moscow several times: the medications were always not suitable.

On the fifth day, my mother called me and said that Tomiris had died. This is the kind of knockdown after which you need time to understand what’s going on.

When you learn about the death of a loved one, you don’t have time to think about anything. You just feel empty. And tears are a reaction that allows you to fill that very emptiness. I was raised in a family where it was unusual for men to show tears. But you are crying and there is no way to stop it. The most comfortable solution for me is to go somewhere and sit in isolation. I think that most people raised like me, which is the majority of men in Kazakhstan, need isolation. You need to think, collect your thoughts, and only then can you discuss the situation with someone.

It’s hard when you realize what’s happening, when you realize that this person is no longer there. It’s hard to see parents who have lost a child: I looked into their eyes, and they looked through me.

I didn't say a word to them, not even once. I just couldn't. He gave napkins and brought some medicine, but didn’t say a word. I think just being there at that moment means a lot.

The worst thing you can say to a person experiencing grief is: “If anything happens, get in touch.” The best thing you can do is to give him some thoughts.

We are distracted from our emotions when we start thinking about something. If, let’s say, I’m sitting and crying, then it would make me feel better if I asked: “What were your best memories? What made this man different from the rest? It's something that can make you think, rack your brain, remember something. While your brain is doing this, it will not be able to give meaning to emotions.

I sometimes remember Tomiris. I remember what a wonderful person she was, but I don’t think about her death. I have a picture hanging in my dorm that she painted. Every day I wake up and look at this picture - now it is part of my routine, I do not attach much importance to death.

How to get through all the stages of grief

The theory of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross helped me see my emotions from the outside. When you name them and show them on yourself, it makes them not so big and important. These are the stages of grief:

negation;
anger;
bargaining (let me explain: here we mean an attempt to come to an agreement with the Universe, God about something that is important to man);
depression;
Adoption.

I have already partially touched on almost all the points (the first emotion is denial, then anger, depression, acceptance). But it is important to structure them, which is what the author of the theory did. I would also like to consider the bargaining clause. A person tries to control his life and the situations that arise in it. But the world is big, and we, people, decide little in it (if you look globally), so trying to get something for yourself, promising in return to give up other things (less important in the hierarchy of human happiness) is a dead-end approach.

But a person must also go through this stage, there is no need to try to convince him of the meaninglessness of what is happening, he himself will understand this, when acceptance occurs, humility will come. A person who has experienced grief has the right to want to bring a loved one back to life, to meet him, to say important words to the one who died. Even an Orthodox Christian can behave this way, because this is a natural reaction.

Take a break

Try to get back to school as quickly as possible, no matter how difficult it may be. As a last resort, if you don’t want to part with your remaining parents, allow yourself unscheduled vacations. At school and at home your wishes will be treated with understanding.

Try to finish your parenting work. For example, if mom grew flowers and did not have time to plant a garden. Or maybe dad never cleaned up the garage. Firstly, the activity will distract you, and secondly, the result will remind you of a loved one.

If you are offered to take part in an event, a new school or student project, agree. This will distract you from sad thoughts. Nobody wants you to forget about your parent. But he definitely didn’t want you to be alone.

Transforming sadness into art

Many psychologists recommend keeping a diary at a time when your soul is especially difficult. By talking to your diary, you can throw out all your feelings, try to understand your feelings and experiences, realize the loss, learn to live on without a loved one.

Read more: Relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: from hate to friendship

After all, each of us understands that our parents will forever remain in our hearts, and their words and actions will warm us throughout our lives. You can also transform your feelings into creativity: write poetry, draw, sing, etc. A favorite activity really helps to get rid of negative emotions and also develops personality. You should definitely try to distract yourself from sad thoughts in this way, and peace of mind will certainly come for a certain time.

Find spiritual and psychological support

Do not despair if it is very difficult for you and you cannot cope with the state of grief on your own. In this case, contact an outsider who will provide psychological or spiritual support. During psychoanalysis sessions, a specialist will help you understand yourself and return to normal life. The advice of a psychologist will give impetus to the fight against depression. It may happen that sessions are held regularly over several months or years. Remember - the main thing is that you feel comfortable.

If you are a believer, then go to church, talk to the priest. Many who have lost a loved one order magpie for the deceased. The atmosphere of the temple will help you gather your thoughts and strengthen your spirit. In addition, you will be able to communicate with parishioners who will be able to support you in this difficult life situation. You can attend a psychologist and church at the same time.

Hobby for the soul

The best outlet can be an interesting hobby that will allow you to switch gears and help you fight bad thoughts. That is why teenagers who have experienced the bitterness of losing a loved one need to engage in their favorite pastime in their free time. Developing creativity helps overcome depression. In addition, constantly being in the company of like-minded people allows you to feel less sad.

The realization that you will never see mom or dad again can come immediately or be disguised as a reluctance to accept this fact. But in both cases, you cannot withdraw into yourself and restrain your emotions. This threatens deep depression. You feel like no one understands loss. Actually this is not true. Look around. You're not the only one losing loved ones. Your relatives may not have parents for a long time, and rarely does anyone remember that, for example, your grandmother has been living on her own for many years.

Imagine that your deceased parent sees you. Did he really want you to suffer, suffer, go astray, or give up your dreams? No, relatives always wish their children happiness. So maybe it’s worth thinking about this and continuing to pursue your dream in the name of your parents.

Self-test questions

How did you feel immediately after the tragedy?
What are you feeling now?

What to do when your mother dies?

It’s clear that you don’t want anything during such a period. Although right now you need to do everything to make her feel how much you love her. If your mother dies, then while she is alive, shower her with tenderness. Try to spend more time together during this period. When your mother dies, you should think only about her, and not about yourself. She needs support during this difficult period. What to do when mom dies? It is necessary to fill her last months, weeks and days with joyful moments so that she understands how much you care about her. It is possible that this will help her spend more time in this world.

When a mother dies, it is useful to pray for her and light candles for her health. So it is possible that you will be able to extend her days with you. You can also invite a priest to advise your mother.

What to do if your mother died? Death always takes you by surprise. The fact that a mother has died is difficult for a child to accept, regardless of whether he is ten years old or 50. It may even take a couple of years to realize what happened. After death, you will often remember your deceased mother. Moreover, memories will emerge at the most inopportune moment. During such a period, you will really need support. It is possible that you will miss her from people. But the point here is not indifference, but the fact that they are simply afraid of hurting your soul with their words.

Sometimes you can get the opposite effect by waiting for help. At the same time, in reality, people wanted the best for you. If your soul is heavy, then ask a close friend to just listen so that your soul will feel at least a little easier.

If your mother died, how to live on? We need to prepare ourselves for a future life without her. You should not be alone for a long time with your experiences and thoughts. There is no need to rush to quickly return to the life that was before the tragedy. First of all, you won't succeed. Since life has already changed after the death of the mother, and this fact cannot be ignored. Secondly, you need enough time to mourn. People need different amounts of time. After all, each person had his own relationship with his mother, and death can be different.

Therefore, in any case, give time to adapt. Then gradually return to activities and activities that bring you joy. Believe me, a mother would never want her death to end her child's normal life.

How to help your father and husband cope with loss

If your mother has died, it is important to try to support other family members. A man may react differently to painful situations. Believe me, dad usually grieves no less than the children. But the reaction to pain is different; in most cases, there is a desire to retire. Your father may grieve and feel acutely about your mother’s death for 3-5 months, then it becomes easier. At this time, it is necessary to provide him with silent support.

You shouldn't try to entertain your father, but you shouldn't leave him alone either. It is important to be close, but to be understanding of his detachment. If he has a desire to talk, to remember his mother together, there is no need to ignore him. You need to behave the same way if your husband has lost his mother.

But silent support should not exclude the possibility of distracting the grieving person: you need to invite him to go outside and do something together.

Outside help has many sides:

the grieving person must be limited from unnecessary communication (idle, useless);
a person who is experiencing loss should not be left alone;
The feelings of the grieving person should not be devalued, the desires must be respected, and you can distract your loved one when he feels that he is ready, you cannot put pressure on him or do something against his will.

Not all people in the temple are experts on matters of life and death

Vladimirov Ivan (1869-1947). Funeral

For many, the loss of a loved one becomes the first step on the path to God. What to do? Where to run? For many, the answer is obvious: to the temple. But it is important to remember that even in a state of shock, you must be aware of why exactly and to whom (or Whom) you came there. First of all, of course, to God. But for a person who comes to the temple for the first time, who perhaps does not know where to start, it is especially important to meet a guide there who will help him understand many of the issues that haunt him.

This guide, of course, should be a priest. But he doesn’t always have time; he often has his whole day scheduled literally minute by minute: services, travel and much more. And some priests entrust communication with newcomers to volunteers, catechists, and psychologists. Sometimes these functions are partially performed even by candle makers. But we must understand that in church you can bump into all kinds of people.

It’s as if a person came to the clinic, and the cloakroom attendant said to him: “What’s wrong with you?” - “Yes, back.” - “Well, let me tell you how to treat yourself. And I’ll give you literature to read.”

It's the same in the temple. And it is very sad when a person who is already wounded by the loss of his loved one receives additional trauma there. After all, to be honest, not every priest will be able to properly build communication with a person in grief - he is not a psychologist. And not every psychologist can cope with this task; they, like doctors, have a specialization. For example, under no circumstances will I undertake to give advice in the field of psychiatry or work with alcohol addicts.

What can we say about those who give out incomprehensible advice and breed superstitions! Often these are people close to the church who don’t go to church, but they come in: they light candles, write notes, bless Easter cakes, and everyone they know turns to them as experts who know everything about life and death.

But you need to speak a special language with people experiencing grief. Communication with grieving, traumatized people must be learned, and this matter must be approached seriously and responsibly. In my opinion, this should be a whole serious area in the Church, no less important than helping the homeless, prison or any other social ministry.

What you should never do is draw any cause-and-effect relationships. No: “God took the child because of your sins”! How do you know what only God knows? With such words a grieving person can be very, very traumatized.

And under no circumstances should you extrapolate your personal experience of death to other people; this is also a big mistake.

So, if you are faced with a severe shock and come to the temple, be very careful in choosing the people to whom you turn with difficult questions. And you shouldn’t think that everyone in the church owes you something - people often come to me for consultations, offended by the lack of attention to them in the church, but who have forgotten that they are not the center of the universe and those around them are not obliged to fulfill all their desires.

But church employees and parishioners, if they are asked for help, should not pretend to be an expert. If you want to truly help a person, quietly take his hand, pour him some hot tea and just listen to him. What he needs from you is not words, but complicity, empathy, condolences - something that will help him cope with his tragedy step by step.

Erase superstitions from your mind

I know that Thomas receives hundreds of questions about superstitions. “We wiped the monument in the cemetery with children’s clothes, what will happen now?” “Can I pick up something if I dropped it in a cemetery?” “I dropped a handkerchief into the coffin, what should I do?” “A ring fell at a funeral, what is this sign for?” “Is it possible to hang photos of deceased parents on the wall?”

The hanging of mirrors begins - after all, this is supposedly a gateway to another world. Someone is convinced that a son cannot carry his mother’s coffin, otherwise the deceased will feel bad. What an absurdity, who else but his own son should bear this coffin?! Of course, the system of the world, where a glove accidentally dropped in a cemetery represents a certain sign, has nothing to do with Orthodoxy or faith in Christ.

I think this is also due to a reluctance to look inside oneself and answer really important existential questions.

Not thinking about death is the path to neurosis

Nikolay Yaroshenko. Funeral of the firstborn. 1893

Recently I analyzed how many paintings by famous artists are devoted to the theme of death. Previously, artists took on the depiction of grief and sorrow precisely because death was inscribed in the cultural context. There is no place for death in modern culture. They don’t talk about it because “it’s traumatic.” In reality, it is just the opposite that is traumatic: the absence of this topic in our field of vision.

If in a conversation a person mentions that someone has died, then they answer him: “Oh, sorry. You probably don’t want to talk about it.” Or maybe it’s just the opposite that you want! I want to remember the deceased, I want sympathy! But at this moment they distance themselves from him, try to change the subject, fearing to upset him or offend him. A young woman’s husband died, and her relatives say: “Well, don’t worry, you’re beautiful, you’ll get married.” Or they run away like from the plague. Why? Because they themselves are afraid to think about death. Because they don't know what to say. Because there are no condolences skills.

This is the main problem: modern man is afraid to think and talk about death. He does not have this experience, it was not passed on to him by his parents, and even more so by their parents and grandmothers, who lived during the years of state atheism. That’s why today many people cannot cope with the experience of loss on their own and need professional help. For example, it happens that a person sits right on his mother’s grave or even spends the night there. What causes this frustration? From not understanding what happened and what to do next. And on top of this all sorts of superstitions are layered, and acute, sometimes suicidal problems arise. In addition, there are often children around who are experiencing grief, and adults with their inappropriate behavior can cause them irreparable mental trauma.

But condolences are a “shared illness.” Why bother with someone else’s pain if your goal is to make you feel good here and now? Why think about your own death? Isn’t it better to drive away these thoughts with worries, buy yourself something, eat deliciously, drink well? The fear of what will happen after death and the reluctance to think about it turns on a very childish defensive reaction in us: everyone will die, but I won’t.

Meanwhile, birth, life, and death are links of one chain. And it’s stupid to ignore it. If only because this is a direct path to neurosis. After all, when we are faced with the death of a loved one, we cannot cope with this loss. Only by changing your attitude towards life can you correct a lot inside. Then it will be much easier to survive the grief.