Self-esteem - what is it in psychology, how to develop it

The more confident a person is in his views, actions, and strengths, the more respect the people around him look at him and listen to him. I will talk about self-esteem - what it is, why it is valuable, how to increase self-esteem. For women, confidence and a sense of value are more important than for men, since they perceive criticism more painfully, are generally more critical of themselves, and also tend to be upset not only because of failures, but also because of less-than-ideal appearance and a carelessly thrown word.

The second term, in addition to the acronym CSD, is “self-concept”, that is, how everyone sees themselves, what they consist of, what roles they play, and how successful they feel in them. Social masks (and labels), for example, mother, wife, daughter, colleague, are implemented to varying degrees. But if they harmoniously complement each other, then the result is a person with developed self-esteem and self-confidence.

What is self-esteem

Self-esteem - what does it mean in psychology? This is a subjective assessment that a person gives to himself, determining his capabilities, the degree of need and importance for others. However, self-esteem is associated not only with self-esteem, but also with the level of aspirations and self-confidence. According to one of the definitions from psychology, self-esteem is the ratio of success to the level of a person’s aspirations. The more often expectations and success coincide, the higher self-esteem.

Components of self-esteem

The structure of self-esteem includes the following elements:

Self-concept, that is, a person’s idea of himself and his place in society. A person’s attitude towards himself, his emotional background, as well as his idea of his capabilities and understanding of his desires depend on the self-concept.
System of knowledge, skills and abilities (professional and life). When a person confidently and successfully completes something, he receives pleasure and satisfaction from both the process and the result.
Relations with society. Self-respect comes from respect from other people, and self-acceptance comes from acceptance. True, the opposite is true: if a person respects himself, then he will not interact with those who do not respect him.

Important! Self-esteem consists of adequate self-esteem, knowledge and awareness of your own competence (you know that you are the best in something), harmonious relationships.

How to raise CHSD

The development of self-esteem and self-awareness, and therefore a sense of significance, depends on the nature of the child’s relationship with his mother. With good mutual understanding (understanding the child’s needs, attention and communication, providing independence in choosing actions and privacy), healthy self-esteem is formed. The development of self-awareness and self-esteem depends on respect for the child’s personal space (everyone needs this from birth; the child must be alone in front of the mother’s eyes, under her control).

Due to the mother's anxiety about losing control over the child and the need to regularly receive love from the child, sometimes the baby is completely deprived of free time and the opportunity to realize himself. With anxious mothers and in overprotective families, children grow up passive, uninitiative, and dependent.

So, self-esteem stems from the relationship between the child and mother in early childhood. The following scenarios are popular:

When a child is given personal space in the presence of his mother (another significant adult), he develops the attitude: “I have the right to mind my own affairs. I can be myself even in the company of other people. I don’t have to constantly interact with someone and I don’t have to impose.”
With overprotection, the child receives the instruction: “Everything must be strictly under control. Independence and spontaneity are not allowed. It is my responsibility to continually demonstrate my care and love for others.”
In a situation where the mother expresses her dissatisfaction and the inability to deal with personal affairs, forced communication with the child, he develops the attitude: “I need to be grateful that someone even wants to communicate with me and spend time. Someday I'll be left alone. I always bother others."
When a mother indulges her child and treats her as an idol, the attitude is formed: “Everyone owes me for spending time with them. I can get whatever I want for the very fact of my existence.”

In the first case, self-esteem is developed adequately, in the second and third cases - a low sense of self-esteem. In the fourth case - an inflated sense of self-esteem. Accordingly, self-esteem is adequate, underestimated and overestimated (in the same order).

A child’s self-rejection at an early stage of development causes a deficit of self-esteem in the future. Accordingly, self-acceptance builds healthy self-esteem.

Levels

In psychology, it is customary to distinguish three levels of self-esteem:

High level. A person is more focused on his own value system than on external assessment. He always makes his own decisions and has a clear system of priorities and beliefs. He knows what he wants from life and accepts himself, knows how to admit mistakes and work on them.
Average level. A person is largely guided by the opinion of the majority. For example, he respects himself only if he has a stable job with an official salary. He cannot give up everything and go to conquer the world and realize his dream. It will probably be difficult for him to settle down even as a freelancer. In choosing clothes or entertainment, he also often follows the majority and fashion.
Low level. Such a person does not know what he wants from life. He is used to sacrificing himself and shifting responsibility for his life to other people. He does not notice opportunities for growth and change in life, he goes with the flow. He is afraid of criticism and public condemnation, so he prefers to do nothing.

Interesting! In psychology, there is a special test for determining self-esteem - the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale. To determine your level of self-esteem you need to answer only 10 questions.

Personal dignity of a man

This characteristic of a representative of the stronger sex is inherent in those who know their place in life; most likely, they have already found their path, including a career, or are actively searching. This is a person who sensibly evaluates his pros and cons, and does not seek constant approval. I will list the characteristic features:

Doesn’t do things for the sake of other people’s opinions or their consent.
Does not insult others, elevating himself in comparison.
He defends his position.
Sets goals and achieves them.
Has an individual personality.
He is not afraid of mistakes, but finds experience in them, and no longer repeats mistakes.
Always maintains composure and does not show negative emotions.

Personal qualities of a person with self-esteem

Characteristics of a person who respects himself:

Takes responsibility for your health: leads a healthy lifestyle, prevents diseases and promptly treats somatic or psychological problems, monitors the quality of products, and plays sports.
Does not discuss or judge other people. Judging others is the lot of those who do not have their own lives.
Continuously improves itself and develops. To fuel self-esteem and maintain healthy self-esteem, it is important to regularly add to your list of achievements. In addition, a person who respects himself enjoys the process of self-development itself. The actions themselves, not the results, bring him a feeling of satisfaction.
Compares his successes only with his previous successes, and not with the achievements of other people. We all have a different set of individual psychological characteristics, so it is incorrect to compare people with each other. Each one is unique and individual.

A person with self-respect is immediately visible: he always chooses what is useful for him and never goes against his beliefs.

How does it manifest itself?

To make it clearer, let's look at specific examples of signs that a person has a well-developed heart rate:

Adequate stable self-esteem. A person realistically assesses his capabilities and his influence on other people: he does not exaggerate or minimize them.
Independence from other people's opinions. He calmly accepts both praise and criticism without experiencing wavering self-esteem. Remember: PSD cannot be combined with dependence and increased attention to the opinions of others.
Self confidence. A person with self-respect believes in his own abilities and sets ambitious goals. His confidence is backed by experience of real achievements in the past.
Self-sufficiency. He himself is able to satisfy his own needs and does not pull anything from others.
Respect for other people. This is the recognition of each person’s own will, the refusal to violate boundaries.
Inner harmony. Lack of psychological defenses, internal conflicts, complexes. Honesty to yourself.
Courage. A person with self-esteem is able to confront his fears.
Reliability. He is responsible for every word spoken, fulfills all his promises and obligations to other people.
Loyalty to one's own principles and beliefs. A person with CSD clearly follows his principles, even if for the sake of this he has to give up some benefits.

Self-esteem is often confused with self-confidence. To clearly distinguish between these two concepts, I advise you to read our article on what overconfidence is.

Signs of a lack of self-respect

Signs of lack of self-esteem:

lack of trust in yourself and others;
problems with decision making;
doubts about the importance and necessity of what a person does;
diffidence;
a feeling of being unloved and a sense of hostility in the world;
chronic feeling of loneliness;
uncertainty in life.

A person without self-respect withdraws into himself, is afraid to meet people and open up to them. He feels unhappy and therefore becomes irritable and aggressive.

Reasons for loss of self-esteem

Reasons for loss of self-esteem:

Costs of family education. Self-respect will not develop if from an early age a child hears only criticism and is told that no one is interested in his opinion. Perhaps the most difficult thing to deal with is childhood trauma and its consequences, but it can be worked through.
A series of failures in adult life. For example, a person was fired and cannot find a new job. Or his love partners leave him all the time. Or he doesn’t succeed in any of the things he takes on. Or you can’t finish what you started. Behind this, as a rule, lies a specific character flaw that can be worked on.
A shameful act during adolescence, adolescence or adulthood. It so happens that just one wrong decision, rash act or phrase spoken in the heat of the moment undermines self-esteem and self-respect. In this case, you need to learn to let go of the situation and the past, forgive grievances and learn from mistakes.

Now let’s look at general recommendations for developing self-esteem.

Ways to develop self-esteem

How to develop self-esteem:

Accept yourself unconditionally. Acceptance is impossible without analyzing advantages and disadvantages, emotions and feelings, thoughts. Pay special attention to negative feelings, intrusive thoughts, shortcomings, and fears. All this indicates your growth zone.
Determine what you do better than others. There must be something - think about it. Consider any area of life and activity, ask your friends for help. This matter will be the source of your strength.
Learn to consciously choose your environment. You have already chosen your environment on your own, but most likely unconsciously. Perhaps you haven't thought at all that you have the right to choose your friends and loved ones. But you have, always have and will have this right.
Gain physical, psychological and financial independence. Without this, you cannot take care of yourself. And, therefore, there is no need to talk about self-respect.
Find an area for self-realization. When a person is passionate about something, he achieves success in this matter. With this comes a sense of self-respect.

Note! To develop self-esteem, it is important to stop pleasing others and sacrificing yourself.

What does self-esteem mean?

If we compare CSD and self-esteem, then the second term is narrower, since it only covers a person’s opinion about himself. While the first state involves a combination of self-esteem and healthy ambitions, as well as the assessment of an external, third-party observer.

Let's analyze the signs:

High demands on yourself. The owner of self-esteem will never ask more from others than from himself. This applies to behavior, actions, and appearance.
Neatness. He will never allow himself to be sloppy (in clothes, in cleaning the apartment), he knows that cleaning up dirt is not shameful, it is much worse to live in it.
Good manners towards acquaintances and strangers. It is not pretentious or ostentatious, but comes as a matter of course.
Awareness of one's own boundaries. He does not perceive intrusion into the boundaries of the “I”, unsolicited advice, criticism, because he clearly evaluates his person.
There is no pride, that is, he does not show himself off, comparing himself with less successful ones, and does not self-actualize at the expense of others. He can be proud, but only of real achievements. At the same time, he is not inclined to exceed his merits or extol them - only an objective assessment of achievements.
There is no selfishness - a person does not violate other people’s rights, boundaries, interests, does not put them to the detriment of his own, because he values other people.
Self-respect, he values his time and energy, understands why he himself and others can respect him.
Comparison is not with weaker or stronger ones, but with oneself “yesterday”, “today” and “tomorrow”. Such a person does not focus on well-known biographies, their successes and failures, as well as on loved ones and examples in the family. He does not strive to become better than mom or dad, but only to develop and grow every day in relation to his previous achievements.
Reaches a successful end in any endeavor he embarks on. A person does not scatter himself over several tasks, being sure that this is beyond his strength, but immediately takes on tasks that he is guaranteed to successfully complete.
Inner peace - there is no place for involuntary depression and spontaneous hysterics.
Reliability. Every given word and promise will be fulfilled. These are the people that friends and family call when they are in trouble because they are confident in him.
A confident position in front of those who are stronger (older, higher in status, richer), and decent behavior with those who are weaker.
Composure. In any difficult, exciting and unforeseen situation, even if doubts and worries creep into the soul, a person with CSD can take control of himself and the situation.
The leader, not the follower. He will not follow the lead of the crowd, will be guided by a single opinion and will not report to it.
Responsibility for actions, words, thoughts. There is no need to shift blame or responsibility to another.

People nearby automatically treat you with respect and do not dare to be rude, insult, or belittle your personality. They are imbued with trust, partly it comes from within - from self-esteem.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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My experience

Self-esteem began to come to me at the age of 16. It became the healthiest at 22-23 years old. Currently, work is underway to maintain, strengthen and further develop self-esteem.

Where did it all start? Probably from meeting my future spouse. I’ll probably never forget how wild the moments were for me when a man lets a girl go ahead, holds the door for her, kisses her hand or gives her a compliment. It was even more difficult to accept the fact that all this could not be in relation to an abstract girl, but in relation to me.

Almost simultaneously with the development of the relationship, my studies at the university began. There I realized that my abilities were recognized by other people. And that, apparently, I am not only beautiful, but also smart (although I suspected this back in my school years).

Then I started working. Before that, I was sitting on the neck of my future husband (we got married when I was 18 years old). I will never forget the feelings that overwhelmed me when I received my first salary and then spent it. However, the joy from the salary did not last long, as it was covered by dissatisfaction with work (shoe salesman is definitely not my life’s dream). Fortunately, by that time I already understood that if something didn’t suit me, then it needed to be changed. And I quit. One day, again to nowhere (thanks to my husband for his support).

Soon I found my niche in the world of freelancing - copywriting. This is where my self-esteem began to grow before my eyes, in direct proportion to the number of orders and income. A separate plus in the “self-respect” column went when my relatives finally realized that I was really working and not just sitting at home.

I would also like to mention the story of my diploma. During my studies, I wanted to leave the university several times: I enrolled in psychology, but it turned out that under the direction of training “psychology and social pedagogy” there was simply pedagogy hidden (one can say that I received and receive most of my knowledge from the field of psychology through self-study) . But what was my joy when first once, then twice, then third, etc. customers asked to see my diploma. Several times I got a job just because of his presence. At such moments, my self-esteem also grows: firstly, I didn’t quit university after all, and secondly, five years of my life were not wasted.

A little over a year ago, several advantages immediately went into the “self-esteem” column, when I had the opportunity to support my husband. Then he had a desire to change jobs and, as he admitted, without my support he would not have decided to do this. If earlier he supported both of us for some time while I was making up my mind, then during this period I took on most of the expenses while he was “trodden down” a new road. I was very pleased that I could support him not only morally, but also financially.

Currently, my self-esteem is fueled by the fact that I do what interests me and what I am good at. I also perfectly combine work and household chores, and I don’t forget about my beloved self.

When it helps

I have already noted that this is not some narrow competence that is needed only at a specific moment. This is a life position that is always involved. Self-worth does not turn on and off, it simply is. This is an innate feature that is accessible to some and not to others; on the contrary, everyone can get good self-esteem. If you are having difficulty with this, have lost faith in yourself, or have felt like a victim rather than a leader since early childhood, I recommend signing up for my consultation.

I will list life situations and areas of life where it is necessary to have self-esteem:

Romantic relationships and marriage. A woman's self-worth helps attract men who are confident in themselves. Usually, next to a strong and purposeful lady, you will rarely find a man who is able to raise his hand or who likes to drink - such guys themselves have very low self-esteem, which means they are simply afraid to approach a lady who, based on her ability to hold herself, is head and shoulders above them. Therefore, next to you will be a life partner who is not afraid of new achievements, is ready to improve himself and supports you in your endeavors. Men who are next to a girl with a low FSD often consciously or subconsciously try to limit the scope of women's accomplishments and achievements. It often looks like this: the husband builds a career, develops, goes to the gym and makes business acquaintances, while the wife stays at home with the children and confines herself to everyday life. If you do not want to become a victim in a relationship, but want to be partners, equal individuals who are not “subordinate,” you should spend more time developing yourself and your sense of self-worth.
Family, raising children. The younger generation looks to their parents, wanting to find role models. Confidence is a trait that completely helps to gain the respect of the weaker, and a child up to a certain age is a priori weaker than an adult. If your son/daughter does not find such an example or authority in you, he will look among those around him. It’s good if this is a teacher or father of the family, but it could be a “bad guy” from the senior class who does not suffer from low self-esteem. Only a strong and self-confident person can really raise children correctly, instill in them good manners and habits , share with them an interest in sports, studies, and art.
Career. We have already given an example with two applicants. It follows from it that understanding the value of one’s personality, one’s own successes, and achievements is an important quality when applying for a job, as well as when negotiating, communicating with superiors, and building business connections. An employee who lacks self-confidence is first on the list for dismissal, as well as overtime, unpaid sick leave and no promotion. CHSD will help you climb the career ladder, get a position that matches your competence, as well as develop and improve yourself in order to achieve more every year.
Friendship and camaraderie. Any communication (interpersonal, business) can occur according to two patterns: “equal to equal” or “subordinate to superior.” These schemes work in any situation. Scandalous behavior is one of the signs of low self-esteem.

This is an incomplete list of situations from areas of life when self-esteem will help. It is always important, every minute. You should wake up in the morning with the thought that you are a significant and irreplaceable part of the family and company.