“A person doesn’t change!” You can often hear this phrase. But is this really so? We need to figure it out, but the question, in general, is not as simple as it might seem at first. What is “change” in the context of character?
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“Change” is a transition from one situation to another. That's what Google says. Trust him this time. This means you expect new reactions from the person to the same events. Sometimes you expect it so much that you use blackmail, threats, and daily quarrels. All this can lead to negative consequences for your relationship, sometimes irreversible.
What people want most is for their partner to change, this is not news. Women, when getting married, “sin” with the thought that they can change a man. They put on the crown “I can do anything” and plunge headlong into the changes of another person. But is this possible?
Can a person change another, because it’s not a piece of cake when you roll up your sleeves, two swats, three swats and you’re done. The question is, of course, rhetorical. But you can try to answer it.
In this article:
Without long preludes Classification of circumstances About scattered socks and more Adjustment for age What is needed for a person to begin to change
Without long foreplay
It is impossible to change a person if he himself does not want it. Dot. But a person can definitely change himself.
A drug addict can be helped if he himself understands that life is going downhill. Lovelace can return to the family if he himself understands family values. A woman will be able to become independent, and not childish, in marriage if she herself comes to the realization that she needs to “grow up.”
How to change a person?
But it is necessary to qualify the circumstances that may affect a person.
Strive for awareness
No normal person wants to do bad things or behave inappropriately on purpose. The reason for such behavior is always unawareness. Even a person who says to himself “I want to get rid of excessive suspicion” cannot do this at a critical moment, because the feeling that arises seems natural to him. Therefore, in addition to understanding the problem as a whole, it is important to learn to recognize its symptoms at the moment they appear.
This is where you will need the help of your loved ones. Set a code word, such as "attic". Every time you start to go too far, a loved one says the word “attic” - you get a signal that it’s time to slow down.
Classification of circumstances
- Motivation in the form of illness.
Yes, this is one of the most effective moments that can influence a person. You've probably heard stories about smokers who quit their habit after a heart attack.
- Values orientation.
This refers to religion, children and relationships, friendship. A person can begin to change by realizing that he may lose something important to him. For example, a wife threatens to leave her husband, who is not looking for work or just plays “Tanchiki” in the evenings and does not help her at all around the house.
And then the man realizes that if he doesn’t change anything, he will lose everything. And my beloved wife and children. And if it’s about religion, then it’s not difficult either. It’s just that at some point you can find more meaning in this than in bad habits. There are many stories about how faith changed people.
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- Desire for a better life.
Yes, it's that simple. When it seems that everything is a dead end. And I don't like the job. And the relationship is somehow not the same. And even my jeans don't fasten. You can start to change. Get off the couch and start writing down new dreams and goals.
- Life circumstances.
Dismissal from work, death of a loved one, some kind of life difficulties, material, or maybe new knowledge. It might push you to something new. Change your outlook on life.
For example, in the age of accessible information, you can learn something new every day, about sports or nutrition. And one day you can wake up as a vegan, and the next do yoga “for life.”
You don't need another person for all this. More precisely not so. Support is very important, there is no arguing with that. Man is a social creature. "Human needs human". But still, another cannot change, no matter how hard he tries. Giving an impetus to change is possible, but without the desire of the person himself - this is a dead end.
Algorithm of actions
- There must be an understanding of what traits need to be developed.
- Engage in replacement. It will be difficult for a person to get rid of something right away. First you need to try to minimize the manifestation of bad traits.
- Find something to emulate.
- A person who seeks to change must have some kind of motive, and a fairly strong one. For example, when a family collapses due to a man’s rude behavior.
About scattered socks and more
Sometimes the changes you need are not drastic ones, you just don’t like some little thing about another person. Everything about it seems to be good, but “the socks are scattered.” This is specifically written in quotes so that you can substitute something of your own. Everyone has some kind of nonsense that irritates others. But there is a very important point here: answer yourself the question - maybe you can come to terms with this? Even if it’s impossible, it needs to be discussed. Talking is always important for a relationship.
But step back and listen to the story. There lived one woman. Married for thirty years. The husband is decent. I stopped drinking twenty years ago. By the way, his family motivated him. He did not want to lose his wife and beloved daughter. But his wife didn’t like him sleeping after work. It's always like this. He comes after an eight-hour work day and goes to bed for two hours.
And then he wakes up in the evening and continues to live. And he always did this. Understand? Always. Even when they were still dating. And the wife never came to terms with this. More precisely not so. At first she didn’t talk about it for ten years, but then she began to get irritated and quarrels in the family became more frequent. And he doesn't want to change. And they quarrel.
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Several conclusions can be drawn from this story. You need to talk about what’s wrong for you right away in a relationship. And another conclusion is that quarrels and ultimatums will not help. And a woman is not “all-powerful.” Don't take on such responsibility. A person changes himself if he wants. And when not, then alas.
How can a girl change for the better?
Love relationships often push a person to change. When a guy falls in love, he wants to be better for his girlfriend. How to do it?
- Watch your appearance. Always be neat and beautiful.
- Always be positive. A positive attitude helps eliminate quarrels and make problems easier to deal with.
- Take action. Girls love actions. If you do the things that your girlfriend wants to see, then you will definitely become the best for her.
- Increase your range of interests. This will help you become a more interesting conversationalist.
- Keep your sense of humor.
Age adjustment
I would also like to dwell on the age of changes. It cannot be denied that the younger a person is, the easier it is to change. Of course, you shouldn’t forget about this either.
- Until the age of 18, when you are still a child or teenager, changes are easier, and this is where you can influence.
Education can correct some aspects. It will probably be impossible to completely change some character traits. And a child is an individual, it is also important to remember this.
- From 18 to 28, changes also occur more easily.
At this point, the person may be influenced by the new environment. At this stage, people enter educational institutions, someone gets married, children are born, and jobs change. During this time period, the worldview is formed, but it may also be subject to changes, which will be easier.
- "Middle age crisis".
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This period should be considered separately. At this stage, changes can occur very strong. Everyone experiences this stage differently. And if for some the changes may be drastic, then for others they will not be so obvious. And there will be no obvious desire for change.
- From 40 and older.
During this age period it is most difficult for a person to change. I already have life experience and my own views on many things. Values and worldviews have been formed, so there may be no desire to radically change something and change oneself, or the process will be difficult. And only, again, with strong motivation.
I would also like to note that character changes throughout life. Sometimes we may like it, sometimes we may not, but this process is inevitable. No one has ever remained the same as when they were 18. This, unfortunately, is impossible.
Positive thinking
The usefulness of positive thinking has long been recognized by everyone and does not require additional evidence, but complaints about life, people, and the weather have not decreased. Priest Will Bowen, after long observation of people's behavior, concluded that their thoughts, which influence emotions, feelings and actions, depend on people's statements.
For those who wanted to make changes in their lives, the priest advised them to wear an ordinary bracelet and live without gossip, complaints, or irritation for three weeks. In the case when a person forgot himself and said negative words, he put the bracelet on his other hand and began counting down the days again. The experiment continued until the bracelet remained on one hand for three full weeks.
The method proposed by an ordinary priest turned out to be very effective - the participants in the experiment changed a lot. Living without complaints made people, from the moment they woke up, realize that they should not speak out about negative things, and the best way to refrain from this is to learn to notice all the positive things in themselves and the world that surrounds them.
The test participants learned self-control over thoughts and words, but without the ability to control oneself, one cannot change for the better. In addition, during the experiment, everyone learned a lot about themselves and their thinking.
What does it take for a person to begin to change?
- Willpower (it’s so easy to do exercises one morning, but so difficult to do every morning for a month).
- Purposefulness (any change must have a purpose, answer the question “Why?”)
- Hard work (any change is more than one day’s work, remember this).
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As you have probably already seen from your own experience, a person can change throughout his life. It can “grow” and develop regardless of age. Circumstances can change him, and he himself can transform himself to suit them, eradicating bad habits and changing his life for the better.
But, obviously, a person cannot change a person. All you can do is be there or not be there. The choice is yours. You can also change yourself, but it is possible that when you change, your surroundings change too. Only in this case there are no claims left for the other.
Listen to others
Changing and strengthening your character is possible only through accepting the fact that you are not okay with it. In other words, what you think is right is not always so and needs to reconsider the criteria for “correctness.” By listening to what others say, paying attention to how you are perceived, how your actions are assessed, you can set guidelines for working on yourself. This does not mean that you need to give up your own opinion, but it makes sense to begin to evaluate with skepticism some things that previously seemed immutable.
What character traits should you get rid of?
Aggression is a trait that needs to be eliminated
The formation of an individual’s character is influenced by:
- parental behavior;
- growing up in a certain environment;
- impact of teachers;
- personality formation during puberty;
- further correction in adulthood.
External factors influencing the development of personality include:
- the environment in which a person is located, for example, life in a village and in a metropolis will affect a growing individual differently;
- people nearby. The immediate environment has a direct impact on the development of personality and leaves an imprint on behavioral characteristics.
If you decide to make adjustments to your life, then it is important to realize which character traits are rightfully considered negative; the fight against them is justified.
- Aggressiveness, leading to problems both with loved ones and with guardians of the law.
- Ruthlessness and indifference. Sooner or later, such an attitude towards others will lead to the fact that the inner circle will begin to treat the individual in the same way.
- Complexity, giving rise to self-doubt, leading to personality degradation.
- Authoritarianism borders on despotism. This character trait will sooner or later lead to loneliness.
- Apathy and inert behavior lead to fear of change, monotony of life, and the desire to go with the flow.
- Increased suspiciousness and gullibility make you doubt your actions and hinder development and career growth.
- Deceit. This character trait will lead to problems in relationships and at work.
- Gambling leads to deterioration of relationships with people and financial problems. In moderation, it can be a useful character trait.
- Irresponsibility, inability to take responsibility for one’s actions, build normal relationships with people, or climb the career ladder.
- Selfishness. A person who thinks only about himself will sooner or later lose all his friends and be left alone with his beloved.
