The more you learn about how psychopaths operate (their modus operandi), the better prepared you will be to avoid their manipulation. Previously, we analyzed the three stages of the parasitic lifestyle of psychopaths:
- assessing a person's potential usefulness, weaknesses, and defense mechanisms;
- impression management and manipulation to gain favor and then drain resources;
- relationship breakdown is the stage at which a person ceases to be useful to a psychopath.
We have repeatedly found that in stories told to us in emails, letters, and interviews, many victims were unaware that they were dealing with a psychopath until it was too late.
Despite the fact that all these stories differed in some details, the feelings, attitudes, behavior patterns and consequences described by the victims developed into a certain pattern, or process. Next, we will look at each of its phases through which victims of manipulation go.
Phase 1: The Seductiveness of Psychopathic Fiction
First impressions can be deceiving. Unfortunately, most of us may initially like a psychopath, because undeniable charm, good looks, eloquence, as well as skillful use of flattery and self-indulgence create an attractive image.
However, the impression made by a psychopath is reminiscent of the beautiful cover of a bad book. Unfortunately, there is one difference between books and people: we rarely buy a book without flipping through it or without at least reading reviews, the same goes for buying a TV or a car - you are unlikely to take such a step without first studying their characteristics, but the mask of a psychopath is often taken at face value.
Because psychopaths present themselves in different ways, you may fall for their bait many times. Therefore, it is wise to be cautious (and even suspicious) in at least a general assessment of any new social contact, especially if it has the potential to affect your life in some way.
At a minimum, you should update your first impression of a person as you learn more about them, and have escape routes in case you expose them or become uncomfortable around them.
Phase 2: Forming a Psychopathic Bond
Subtle charm and skillful manipulation can convince you that a psychopath likes you. During long conversations or meetings, he will try to convince you that he shares your beliefs, passions and views. As a rule, this happens unnoticed; in fact, psychopathic manipulation can be so subtle that you will come to the conclusion that your views are similar simply by listening to the psychopath talk about his life.
Of course, all the stories it tells are carefully thought out and tailored to your hot buttons. In almost all the cases we analyzed, what all victims of psychopaths had in common was the desire to find a kindred spirit, a person who shared their values, beliefs and life experiences.
You may feel pleasantly excited, believing that the psychopath actually has sympathy and respect for you. Additionally, you will begin to believe that your relationship with him, personal or professional, will progress.
Many people reported to us that at this stage they shared personal information with the psychopath, believing that his story was truthful and deeply personal. They had no idea that they were being lied to and that most of what they heard was just fiction.
Over time, the psychopath will make you believe that you two are special, unique and destined to be together. These insidious people try to present themselves as ideal friends, employees or business partners. This can require a lot of time and effort from them, and they usually do this in secret. The psychopath's affection, unfortunately for you, is feigned and exists only in your imagination.
Paying attention to the formation of attachment is an excellent preventive measure. Be careful and don't rush to believe anyone's words. Building a meaningful relationship takes time, as well as common sense and careful judgment. If you feel that a person is too good to be true, try to prove to yourself otherwise.
Why do women become attracted to such dangerous people?
There can be many options: from the desire to feel like a rebel to hopes for a more exciting and adventurous life. Many criminals are “stars” of sorts; a lot is said and written about them, people are attracted to this. Self-esteem problems, usually resulting from past psychopathic relationships, may also be the cause. The desire to become involved with a dangerous person can also be driven by a desire to control and have power over someone who needs you more than you need them.
Phase 3: Complicity in the Psychopath's Game
Once the psychopathic connection is established, you will find that your partner uses your vulnerabilities to gain your submission and strengthen the relationship. Surprisingly, this kind of “tug of war” often strengthens, rather than weakens, such a connection. This is especially true when you, against your will and against your own interests, do what is asked of you in order to maintain a strong connection.
A healthy relationship is harmonious: each participant gives something and receives something. A psychopathic relationship is usually one-sided: you give, and he only receives (money, housing, sex, power, control).
Often friends, relatives and colleagues, seeing what is happening, try to warn you, but you refuse to listen to them. You choose to ignore phrases like “He’s not right for you,” “It’s better to end this relationship,” or “I wouldn’t trust him,” and you may even lash out at your family and friends. Such alienation is only to the advantage of a psychopath, because, having lost support, you will be completely in his power.
If you find yourself in the network of a boss, co-worker or emotional tyrant, try to find external confirmation of your feelings. If you see that your relationship with this person is causing you harm, it's time to end it.
In many cases, family members, friends and co-workers can help you and provide psychological support during the transition. Additionally, if you have been assaulted, you will need the advice and assistance of law enforcement and qualified professionals.
He's always unhappy with you
Photo by Pexels
Having lowered his partner's self-esteem to zero, the psychopath begins to express doubts about your compliance with his ideal person. Expect constant barbs and disparaging phrases about character and appearance. If before you were wrapped in attention, bathed in love and talked about exclusivity, now they will ignore you or show in all appearances that he is tired of your presence in his life.
You may be interested in: Agata Muceniece about abuse and divorce from Pavel Priluchny: “I really liked that he was aggressive”
Phase 4: Self-doubt, guilt and denial in psychopathic manipulation
The unprincipled, deceitful and manipulative behavior of psychopaths often leaves the victim baffled and destructive. Some victims are tormented by doubts and blame themselves for what happened, while others deny the problem altogether. In any case, doubts and fears about psychopaths turn into self-doubt.
The situation is greatly aggravated if the victim cannot convince others, including family members and friends, that the cause of the trouble is not her, but someone else. “Everyone thought I was the problem,” is a phrase often repeated by those who have dealt with a psychopath.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to convince a person who is the victim of a psychopath that he is not aware of what is happening. Even if presented with evidence, such as a suspicious motel bill or mysterious charges on a personal credit card, he will continue to deny everything and, like a psychopath, accuse others of falsifying information, dismiss the facts as a misunderstanding, or claim that none of this is anyone's business because he trusts psychopath.
It is very difficult to help a person who, being unsure of himself, denies the obvious. The best thing family members, friends, or co-workers can do in this case is to provide victims with the support they need by recommending that they seek help from an employee assistance program or mental health professionals.
The situation becomes more complicated if the psychopath has managed to convince those around you, including family and friends, that you are the problem! This state of affairs can be devastating and even make you question your own mental health.
Intelligent books on communication
- “How to Talk to Assholes”, Mark Goulston - “Never Eat Alone”, Keith Ferrazzi and Tal Rez - “We turn on the charm using the secret services method”, Jack Schafer and Marvin Carlins - “Secrets of Great Speakers” - James Humes - “ Key Negotiations”, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny and Ron McMillan (in the process of reading, but already enjoying it)
Several book reviews: - 30 smart books on business, self-development and creativity that changed my life - 5 best books for an aspiring entrepreneur + 1 advice - 5 books that will help you think outside the box and why it is important right now
Phase 5: Escalation
If the victims of a psychopath suddenly begin to ask questions about the discrepancy between his behavior and his words, they face “punishment.” At first, the psychopath categorically denies any inappropriate actions on his part and tries to go on the attack.
Usually a person becomes ashamed of his suspicions, and as a result he begins to doubt himself even more. If victims persist in expressing concern and suspicion, they are bound to fall under the hot hand of an angry psychopath.
Violence comes in many forms, the most common being psychological, emotional and physical. You can notice physical abuse (the most obvious) by bruises, contusions, cuts and similar signs. Often victims do not report physical aggression towards themselves, as is the case with domestic violence.
Family members, astute friends, or co-workers who notice his traces may try to intervene, but as a rule they are forced to remain aloof as the victim refuses their help.
Physical violence is dangerous because psychopaths, like other rapists, only get the hang of it over time. Be sure to ask for help!
Emotional and psychological abuse is much more difficult for an outsider to notice, although its consequences are devastating for the victim. It often manifests as anxiety, distress, depression, inability to sleep and generalized fear and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Psychological violence leads to decreased self-esteem, a feeling of insignificance, self-doubt and mental anguish. People exposed to it lose their sense of self. They believe that something is wrong with them.
In many cases, they tend to blame themselves for the violence committed against them. "What did I do wrong?" - they ask themselves. Because our thoughts and feelings influence our behavior, victims of abuse perform poorly at work; They are easily distracted, easily irritated, and become taciturn or overly emotional.
Psychopaths use psychological abuse to keep victims under control. Criticism (“You’re so fat! No one will love you but me!”), threats (“I won’t stand for this anymore! I’m leaving!”), and intimidation (“Don’t make me hurt you!”) are common tactics. in their arsenal, and, surprisingly, such a “struggle” only strengthens the psychopathic connection.
If you have been abused, immediately seek advice and help from others (friends, family members or trusted colleagues) or, depending on what happened to you, from law enforcement or social services.
Phase 6: Awareness and Understanding
Over time, constant lies, inconsistencies, negative emotions and comments from friends and family will lead you to believe that you were a pawn in a psychopath's game. It will take a long time before you are convinced of the validity of your suspicions and accept this fact. Once this happens, everything will get better.
Once you realize what happened, you will feel like a simpleton. Many victims of psychopaths say to themselves: “How could you believe such a lie?!” This is a natural reaction, but it comes with a price.
People who feel fooled are reluctant to share this and, instead of trying to find confirmation or justification for their new opinion about the psychopath, begin to avoid others. Maybe those around you really didn’t notice, but in any case, it’s much better to trust your friends and family than to allow yourself to be tormented by your own stupidity.
Talking to someone about your experiences and writing about them in a journal is a good way to release negative feelings. You may want to write down everything that happened after your encounter with the psychopath.
And of course, you need to make sure that all your things are in place: bank account, credit card, documents, computer, phone. It is very important to distance yourself from the psychopath and take steps to protect yourself from retaliation from him. It might be worth posting your story (anonymously) on a website for support groups for victims of psychopaths.
Documentation
If you conduct correspondence, save them, take photographs of what is happening or shoot a video, record conversations on the phone or with a voice recorder. All this is necessary when communicating with a psychopath; later this information may be useful to you. When communicating with a man, control the words spoken, as if in the future everything said could play against you in court or taken out of context, which could make you look like an inadequate person.
This way, if a psychopath tries to turn others against you, you will have something to show others and not allow them to be deceived. But if your man turns out to be a professional, even the evidence may not be enough and they will still look at you with a distrustful look, be prepared for this.
Phase 7: Overcoming Shame
Shame is a natural reaction to abuse and is the reason why many cases of abuse go unreported. However, it is extremely important to discuss it if you have experienced this feeling with family members, friends or professionals. It is necessary to seek help, firstly, because you do not deserve shame, just as you did not deserve violence.
It's not your fault: the psychopath is a social predator, and you became his victim.
Secondly, the very feeling of shame makes you an easy target for further manipulation. Think of abused wives who, despite beatings and verbal abuse, beg abusive spouses to return to the family or find new abusive partners. Moreover, a psychopath will be able to turn your sense of shame against you just as easily as he played on your shortcomings, needs and fears from the very beginning.
Don't let the shame of being fooled stop you from seeking help and advice; Don't put this weapon in the hands of a psychopath.
How to respond to sarcasm
An example of a typical dialogue: - How are you?
- The same as five minutes ago. In such conversations, it is important to recognize sarcasm. Very often we get offended and leave, although there is a great way to cope with the situation. Take a calm pause and politely continue:
- I understand - What? - You want me to get away from you and leave you alone [or “that I get out of your life”, “that I don’t deserve this”]
The interlocutor will be taken aback, because you have read his thoughts. He himself will feel ashamed and most likely the dialogue will become calmer.
Phase 8: Anger and Justification
By the time victims of psychopaths seek help, they feel intense anger at the person who manipulated or abused them and want to get even.
Anger and the need for justification are natural psychological reactions and an integral part of recovery. Anger may be a result of residual feelings that victims constantly felt, but because of fear and resignation were unable to express. It is very important for the victim to work on his anger with a therapist.
The need for justification is likely to be satisfied (at least for some people) by confirmation that the person they have victimized is a psychopath. According to many people, the more they learned about the psychopathic process and, accordingly, understood it, the better they felt.
It is important to work through your anger with a mental health professional, as thinking about past hurts will only make things worse, increasing the effects of trauma.
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Some people (in fact, most of us) strive to expose the psychopath and show the world his true colors. At this stage, it is not advisable to talk widely about your feelings or make accusations on social networks, emails, messages and publications on the Internet.
First of all, assess your current emotional state. You may not be able to think or act rationally at the moment. In addition, in a weakened state, you will have a difficult time dealing with a retaliatory strike.
If you are the victim of a real crime, you must report it to the authorities. At the same time, it is logical to warn friends about what behavior patterns to watch out for - such a step will benefit people and even protect someone from the snares of a psychopath.
Questions to Consider
What do you have that might interest a psychopath? Do you know your weaknesses and pain points?
Has anyone tried to manipulate you using them? Did he succeed?
What can you do? Path to recovery
Many readers ask what can be done. And then we provide a short, but, unfortunately, generalized list of recommendations and suggestions on how to behave if you have become a victim of a psychopath.
Gather information
- Gather all available information related to the situation: diaries, notebooks, notes, emails, bank account statements, court and medical records, and telephone call transcripts.
- Don't write anything on social networks! Save and print any online information that may be useful to you.
Assess the damage
- Review your finances, including all charges on credit cards, bank account, and sales documents. Remove the psychopath as a beneficiary of joint accounts if possible. If not, close your accounts. If you find signs of fraud, prepare a detailed report.
- Seek professional help to scan your computer and phone for malware. (Some victims have reported to us that they found tracking apps on their phones and spyware on their PCs!)
- See a professional to evaluate your psychological and emotional state.
Conduct an “audit” of friends and acquaintances
- Make a list of your friends and acquaintances and remember who warned you about the true nature of a psychopath, who helped him, and who knew nothing about what was happening. At the same time, you can think about which of them could support you. Include your family members too.
Record your story
- Collect all documents in one place and sort them in chronological order, as well as by categories: finances, damage to reputation and position in society, and so on.
- Referring to your notes, write a story about your relationship with the psychopath. Most likely, its first version will seem like a stream of consciousness, incoherent, full of complaints, accusations and emotions.
- Edit your story. Ask a friend for help or hire a professional editor. Do this to make the story readable and understandable to outsiders, such as government officials or a lawyer. Aim for two to three pages of text. But the main thing is to describe your experience in detail on paper.
Predict your future with or without a psychopath
- Is there still a psychopath in your life? Will he stay there anytime soon? The answer depends on whether you are married to him, whether you have children together, whether you are bound by legal obligations (for example, a jointly purchased house), or whether you are related.
- If a psychopath dumps you, consider yourself lucky. Start rebuilding your life.
- But if you are legally related to a psychopath through shared property, marriage or children, prepare for a protracted battle. You can’t do this without the help of professionals.
Plan your action strategy
- Visit a support group for victims of psychopaths, hear other people's stories, and read resources designed to help such people. Ask questions anonymously, without revealing details that the psychopath might use to identify you.
- If you feel unsafe, contact law enforcement and ask for protection and shelter.
- Talk to a lawyer.
Prepare for a psychopath's response
- Hostage taking. A psychopath may use your children or property as a weapon against you to force you to pay for expensive legal help and prolong the conflict. He may promise to help you raise your children and then fail to show up on time to disrupt your schedule, or make empty promises to take the kids on vacation.
- Siege. As in medieval warfare, this strategy aims to force the victim to capitulate by isolating and depleting his resources. As a rule, this is associated with a variety of actions: for example, parking a car in front of your car to block the exit, harassment in person or online, etc., financial pressure (petty squabbles in court in order to delay the breakup and drain your resources), social influence (trying to turn your friends against you). We even know of cases where some psychopaths managed to win the victim's lawyers over to their side!
- Sabotage. A psychopath may call your employer and try to get you fired. He can waste a lot of money from your bank account and credit card, and also tarnish your name on social networks. Do not give in to provocations: continue to scrupulously document all his actions.
Your ultimate goal is to completely stop contact (physical, emotional and psychological) with the psychopath. This is the only way you can start life again.
No contacts
The most important nuance is accepting the need to stop any contact with a psychopath. In words everything is simple, in life it turns out differently. The main difficulty in breaking off a relationship with such a person is the possible attachment to him. When your relationship was short-lived, breaking up will not be a problem. If the relationship has been going on for a long time, or an affair has occurred with a business partner, then you need to think carefully about your escape route. First of all, a firm position and confidence in your actions. Therefore, you need to stop all communications and interactions with such a person once and for all.
