Achieving success is an important part of every person's life. By achieving goals, he moves through life and makes it better, reveals his potential and realizes himself. Today you can find a huge number of different effective and efficient techniques and methods for implementing plans, and these methods are almost always environmentally friendly, i.e. do not harm other people - neither their mental nor physical state.
However, some people are not used to being guided by considerations of humanity and do not think at all about others. They do not hesitate to go over their heads and use completely unethical and even unacceptable methods to achieve their goals. And one of the first places on the list of such methods is manipulation. In the article “People Manipulation,” we talked in detail about what it is, and if you want, you can brush up on your knowledge. And today we’ll talk about some techniques for protecting against manipulation, many of which are discussed in our program “Profiling: Understanding People’s Psychology.”
Ask and listen
Conscious use of questions is one of the central elements of communication. As a rule, we underestimate the role of a question as a communicative tool. Many people feel that if they start by simply asking questions rather than immediately expressing their own point of view, they will lose the initiative in the conversation. But the opposite is true: by asking questions, you increase your chances of building a positive relationship with your interlocutor and achieving your goals. Why?
With the right questions you:
- you receive important information that will help you adapt your conversation tactics to the situation, because questions will help you determine what your interlocutor attaches importance to, what exactly is important to him;
- include your interlocutor in active negotiations, showing yourself from the very beginning as a partner and not an adversary;
- you can prevent collisions, return the conversation to a substantive level, which will help you cope with emotionally difficult situations.
By asking questions, you show your interlocutor respect, and it is important for any person to be treated with respect and valued.
To use questions purposefully, you need to understand the difference between open-ended and closed-ended questions . Open questions require answers in complete sentences, while closed questions can be fully answered with a single word or a laconic mention of a certain fact. As a rule, answers to open-ended questions are more complete and take longer than the generally rather sparse responses to closed-ended questions. An open question allows you to more actively involve your interlocutor in the conversation. Their advantage is that they provoke him to think, invite him to engage more intensively with the issue under discussion, and encourage him to make his own proposals. In addition, open questions always reveal more than closed questions. Here are some examples of open questions.
- What do you think the solution should be?
- What wishes do you have regarding this?
- What exactly is this problem?
- What is of particular interest to you in this case?
A closed question can be answered very briefly - with a gesture or one word. Here are examples of questions of this type.
- Do you want to think about it again?
- Do you agree to take a short break?
- What is your name?
- Have you made a decision?
Questions about the interlocutor's consent are important closed questions. Closed questions also work well in cases of vague and lengthy statements, when you want to force the interlocutor to express himself more precisely.
Open questions are used to:
- obtain more complete information;
- encourage the interlocutor to freely exchange opinions;
- push him to think.
Closed questions are used to:
- ask for consent, approval;
- get a confirmation;
- negotiate in a strict, clear manner;
- achieve a clear answer.
An important method of conducting a conversation is the technique of asking again . When asking again, you refer directly to the previous statement. This technique is aimed primarily at better understanding the interlocutor’s statements, as well as inviting him to more accurately formulate or critically revise his thoughts. Asking again is useful in all cases where something becomes unclear or is deliberately obscured.
The opposite of asking questions is, of course, listening . If you ask questions, you must be prepared and listen to the answers. Careful listening plays a critical role in negotiating and handling manipulation.
Listen means:
- tune in to your interlocutor, treat him with full attention;
- put yourself in the situation of the interlocutor in order to understand his way of thinking or his point of view. However, you are not obligated to share it at all.
Listening is primarily a matter of inner attitude, not pure technique. It requires enormous concentration and is therefore one of the most tedious communication techniques. However, professional listening skills can be trained and honed.
Those who know how to listen will more easily build trusting relationships with their interlocutor. Listening, like actively asking questions, is a kind of “key to all doors” that allows you to achieve deeper personal contact with your negotiating partner. Listening helps relieve aggression and hostile emotions. Like asking questions, listening is an excellent way to make a conversation more meaningful and constructive. Listening carefully also helps avoid misunderstandings.
The fundamental rule of professional listening is to show the other person that he is being listened to.
There are three possibilities for this, namely: silent listening, listening using attentional reactions, active listening.
- Silent listening. The listener is quiet, attentive and by turning his body towards the interlocutor demonstrates to the person that he is listening.
- Listening using attentional reactions. The listener shows that he is listening to the interlocutor using typical reactions of attention (nods, remarks like “really?!”, etc.).
- Active listening. The listener asks again, once again summarizes in his own words what the interlocutor said or reflects the emotions of the interlocutor, which are contained in his statements. Active listening is the highest form of professional listening. There are several types of active listening:
- by asking again;
- a return message, or reflection of what was said (meaningful message);
- a reverse message, or a reflection of the implied (emotional message).
A little about psychological protection
When talking about resisting manipulation, we are talking about psychological defense, which refers to a person’s use of methods to weaken or eliminate the psychological damage inflicted on him by others.
One of the first and most ancient methods of defense as such can be considered flight, as well as hiding and freezing. Only after this can we talk about the desire to influence the aggressor, a counter attack and some tricks. These types of defenses can still be observed today in most animal species.
Similar methods are found in the history of relations between people, from prehistoric battles to modern wars. Here are the analogues with the already announced protection options we have:
- flight, as well as its weaker forms such as retreat or evasion;
- camouflage, allowing you to become invisible to the attacker;
- the use of natural and/or creation of artificial shelters and obstacles in the enemy’s path;
- active defense against attack by an attacker, i.e. counterattack;
- controlling the intentions and/or behavior of the aggressor, which includes all sorts of tricks and tricks.
Often, when defending against an attack, passive actions predominate. This can be explained by the fact that active actions are usually used when a threat comes from another living creature. Passive ones are relevant in cases with the elements and other factors of non-animal origin.
As a result, we have five basic forms of protection:
- escape;
- use of shelter;
- disguise;
- counterattack/attack;
- control.
At the same time, it can be noted that the combined use of active and passive protection is quite appropriate. Such a complex can form an independent defensive tactic. For example, when using attack and flight together, you can cleverly secure your personal boundaries: eliminate the attacker or remove yourself from him. It will depend on what result you want to achieve. And with the simultaneous use of cover and control, you can build barriers that will make it difficult for the attacker to attack, or remove existing obstacles to influence the attacker.
Despite this, the only thing that would seem to remain without a mate would be the disguise. But if we clarify that the purpose of masking is to stop the flow of data about oneself coming to the offender, then ignoring can become a couple. Ignoring blocks the flow of information about the attacker coming to us.
On the one hand, it may seem that acting in this way is not entirely logical. But this is not true if the information we perceive itself poses a threat. This may include some “prophecies” from the outside, curses, accusations, rumors, etc. Ignoring is also suitable for cases where no other forms of protection work, and you have to adapt to stress.
Now we have six behavior options, which are so-called pair connections. They can be used as a defensive base against manipulative influence from the outside. But before we talk more specifically about each of them, it will be useful to get a little practice. Watch this video where business consultant Igor Tkach talks about communicating with manipulators.
Ignore and continue
Ignoring and continuing is one of the most restrained reactions to recognized manipulation. You simply do not give in to the attempt at manipulation and ignore the corresponding remark. Thus, your interlocutor receives a warning, but “does not lose face.”
You can and should even let him know that you perfectly understood what exactly he was trying to do, for example, using:
- pauses in conversation (thinking);
- question: “Maybe we can continue after all, do you agree?”;
- emphatically constructive proposal on your part.
This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:
- allows himself a stupid joke or cynical remark;
- behaves dismissively;
- tries to catch you off guard and increases the pace;
- acts emphatically uninterested and bored.
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The manipulator is lying: the status of “reliability” will not play into your hands
You should be wary when someone from your environment starts a conversation with you with the words “I know you can always rely on you...”. It’s immediately clear that this person needs something from you. It is quite difficult to refuse in such a situation - the manipulator sweetened the pill by assigning you the label of “superhero”. But you don’t have to support this image if you are unable to help in a particular situation. The status of “adequately assesses the situation” will be much preferable to you than the status of “reliable person.” Explain to your friend, colleague, relative that both you and the situation can change, so the fact that you helped before does not mean that you will help today.
Pretending to be a simpleton and “rewinding the reel”
If you pretend to be a simpleton, although you will react to the attempt at manipulation, you will officially interpret it as a misunderstanding or slight confusion on your part. Before the conversation can continue, this misunderstanding or this hitch will have to be cleared up. By doing so, you will avoid outright exposing your interlocutor as a manipulator: he or she will receive a subtle warning signal, but will be able to “save face” at the same time. Let's illustrate this technique with an example.
Situation: you have a conflict with your negotiating partner. You have agreed to apply the conflict resolution model, which assumes that each party first of all sets out and explains its position. But your interlocutor does not adhere to the agreement. Without explaining his point of view, he immediately offered his own solution. You are pretending to be a simpleton.
You: “Wait a minute, I’m a little confused. After all, you and I agreed that we would play out the entire conflict resolution model step by step. I just told you my point of view, and actually now it’s your turn to explain to me your vision of the problem. But just now, as your last word, you offered a clearly developed solution. Was this an example or was it a step ahead of events?
This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:
- trying to catch you off guard;
- distracts you from the real subject of discussion;
- wants to continue the discussion, despite some agreement reached;
- trying to make you feel guilty.
2. Apply fog to protect against manipulation
Often, bosses choose a “scapegoat” in the team and criticize this employee with or without reason, sometimes turning to outright rudeness. This is how managers try to assert themselves in the team. But this does not make it any easier for the employee himself. Of course, it’s not worth getting into a quarrel - this can only make the situation worse. Psychologists recommend not to show your weakness, but to remain confident and outwardly agree with manipulators. That is, you say to your boss: “I’ll think about how to take your proposal into account in my work,” “I’ll definitely think about this unexpected idea!”, “I need to think about whether this has a direct bearing on me...”, “Maybe...”, and in fact, you remain unconvinced. This way you will create a fog and discourage your opponent - his attempts to get the better of you will be defeated.
"Broken Record"
If you notice that your interlocutor wants to get away from the topic or is acting aggressively, trying to intimidate, provoke you or take you by surprise, then try to play a “broken record”. It is very simple to use, you just need to repeat again and again what you want, or what is important to you, or what you want to know, etc.
At some point, you will still be able to force the manipulator to talk on the topic you need. But be careful: like all other conversation techniques, the “broken record” requires practice, practice and more practice, because from an early age we are weaned from being stubborn and straightforward. But from a moral point of view, the “broken record” method is impeccable: by using it, you will not mislead, manipulate, ignore or offend anyone. You will simply exercise your right to say what you want.
This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:
- tries to force you to do something or force something on you that you refuse (“a broken record” helps you refuse with firmness);
- distracts you from the real subject of discussion;
- tries to spark additional outbreaks of war;
- does not allow you to speak out and constantly interrupts you.
Wary attitude towards the manipulator’s instant “liking”
Always be wary of people who, out of the blue, decide to be friends with you and show some kind of warm feelings towards you. If you have known a person for many years, but until this moment he did not even pay attention to you, as if you did not exist, then it is worth thinking about why right now your union has become beneficial for him. There is no such thing as a sudden surge of feelings. Friendship, love, trust - these feelings always develop over time, this is painstaking work on building relationships, based on mutual exchange, overcoming and complicity. Therefore, “suddenly emerging” friendship or “sudden love” is most likely a way to make you dance to someone else’s tune.
Changing Perspective
And this technique is, in essence, very simple. You do not respond directly to the attempt at manipulation, but invite your interlocutor to look at the situation from your point of view or the point of view of another person.
This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:
- refuses to understand you;
- pretends to be stupid;
- insists on his own and is deaf to everything else.
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4. “English Professor Technique” against the manipulator
This technique has an amazing story that happened to one translator in St. Petersburg. The girl needed to translate the lectures of a British professor. However, he spoke very quickly and indistinctly. After one of the first lectures, the translator asked the professor to continue to speak more slowly and in shorter phrases so that she could keep up with him. The answer was discouraging: “I'm afraid not... You see, speaking quickly and in long sentences is part of my personality.”
In everyday life, this technique will help protect against such a common type of manipulation in relationships as an attempt to change your significant other for yourself: quit smoking, stop swearing, return home at 6 pm, do not meet with friends on weekends. To avoid falling for these tricks, correctly express to your opponent your doubts that fulfilling his demands violates his personal rights: “This contradicts my principles,” “If I do this, then I will no longer be me.”
Way out
Sometimes the best way to resist manipulation is to take the bull by the horns, forcefully interrupt the conversation, and openly address the attempt at manipulation. This can be done elegantly by following the following technique.
- Stop the conversation in a clear and unambiguous manner.
- Briefly and clearly justify this interruption.
- What's next?
Example. As a guest specialist, Kurt helps the team work through a long-standing internal conflict. However, team members shy away from the discussion. Eventually Kurt "gets out of the situation". He says:
- "I'm stopping the discussion."
- “I got the impression that this is no longer about the problem itself, but about a difference of opinion that has nothing to do with the topic of discussion.”
- “I will repeat the original question again, then I will summarize the most important results of the discussion, after which we will continue the discussion. Do you agree?"
Kurt clearly interrupts the discussion, notes the futility of the situation and offers a possible option for its development.
The key point of this method is that the issue of attempted manipulation is openly addressed. But before you do this, you should clearly and unequivocally interrupt the conversation. This is important so that the business level of the conversation cannot be confused with the level of relationships between the persons participating in it. If this separation is not made clearly enough, then the subject of discussion and the questions of who, how and with whom were treated during this discussion will become so intertwined that it will no longer be possible to understand what is actually being discussed.
This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:
- has already made several attempts at manipulation;
- made a particularly crude attempt at manipulation (for example, insult);
- abandoned his manipulative behavior, despite other techniques used.
I have the right to evaluate my behavior and take responsibility for it
When we doubt that we can independently judge our own actions and decide what is right and important for us, we feel insecure and begin to look for some universal rules by which we can live. Manipulators take advantage of this and impose on us the views of supposedly wiser and more authoritative people or fictitious rules of social structures. In reality, they simply adjust our behavior so that we behave in a way that suits them.
“You’re raising your children wrong.” I raised two, I know better.
- Unassertive: “Tell me what I’m doing wrong?”
- Assertive: “I want to decide for myself how to raise my children.”
I have the right to make illogical decisions
It happens that with the help of logic we try to explain very illogical things: desires, sympathies, values. We look for weighty arguments to justify our choice, and we doubt it when we don’t find any. At this moment, other people can persuade us to make a decision that is beneficial for themselves if they select convincing arguments.
“I think you shouldn’t go to theater school.” The competition among actors is fierce, and they are also underpaid. Better go to law school. Lawyers are always in demand and earn good money.
- Unassertive: “You're right. It’s probably worth thinking about a career as a lawyer.”
- Assertive: “I understand the risks. Nevertheless, I want to go to theater school because it interests me. I am ready to take responsibility for my choices."
I have the right not to depend on how other people treat me
When we care too much about what others think of us, we trap ourselves in other people's opinions and preferences and forget about what is important to us personally. We react painfully to disapproval and are ready to sacrifice our interests in order to regain someone's favor. Other people may exploit our fear of rejection and threaten to stop loving us if we don't listen.
— They think you're boring because you don't go to parties.
- Unassertive: “I’ll go to parties more often so they don’t think about me like that.”
- Assertive: “Let them count. I don't like parties."
I have the right not to make excuses for my behavior
Since childhood, we have become accustomed to having to account for our actions to other people. Parents, teachers, educators decided whether we were doing the right thing or not. Now we have grown up and are responsible for our own behavior. We no longer have to explain our actions to other people in order to gain their approval. Those who demand excuses from us are trying to make us feel uncomfortable.
- Why don’t you want to go to the concert?
- Unassertive: “I don’t feel well.”
- Assertive: “I just don’t want to go to the concert.”
