What is a deferred life scenario?
The concept of “delayed life scenario” was introduced by “Socio-psychological reasons for the migration of the population of the North-East of Russia”, V.P. Serkin, Doctor of Psychological Sciences and Professor Vladimir Serkin. Initially - to describe the peculiarities of thinking of the majority of people living in the Russian Far East.
The fact is that the phenomenon of the “northern scenario” has spread in this region and even began to be perceived as something completely natural. People created comfortable conditions and prepared for the life that would come later, when they fulfilled the “northern dream” - they moved to an area with a mild climate, bought an apartment, a dacha or a car, and so on.
The professor says that a similar phenomenon was previously described by Rudyard Kipling. Serkin called this a “colonial scenario,” and here everything is exactly the same as in the case of the northerners. Many Englishmen, during their decades in India, believed that “real” life would only begin when they returned to England. That is, the whole 20-30 years were, as it were, “unreal”, anticipating.
These are just a couple of options, because the “delayed life scenario” is a broader concept. And this phenomenon is not limited to any specific territory or a particular period of history.
According to the “delayed life scenario,” a person spends a long period of time—up to decades—preparing for some significant event or waiting for a goal to be achieved, after which, as he is sure, a “real” and happy life should begin.
That is, he simply exists in anticipation. “I’ll get married and immediately become happy” or “I’ll buy my own apartment and how I’ll live!” - a person designates for himself the moment until which he will not live to his full potential, but then...
And then, when an apartment appears, he will understand that it is too early to relax: after all, he needs to make repairs and pay off the mortgage! So “real” life and happiness will have to wait again. And perhaps they never will.
Right Thoughts
Thoughts are no less important than self-development. His life directly depends on how a person thinks. And if he wonders how to live correctly and happily, it means there is more negativity in his head, because otherwise, if he is satisfied with everything, he will not even think about this topic. First, you need to filter your thoughts. As soon as you think about something bad, immediately try to switch to something much more positive. Over time, you will learn to see the positive even in the negative. This will affect your life in a good way. Yes, at first you won’t notice the changes, but one day you will definitely realize that you feel better than before. Secondly, think less about how to live correctly. You may become obsessed with this, become paranoid in search of “that” existence, and end up not noticing how you missed life through all these actions. Third, dream. This will help you set a couple of large-scale life goals and simply develop your imagination.
Why is this phenomenon dangerous?
In addition to the fact that 10–30 or even more years are spent anticipating the future, rather than enjoying the present, there is a risk of “neurosis of deferred life” - a concept also introduced by Serkin.
In this case, the person is not only constantly waiting, but also does not solve important, pressing problems. Or sacrifices something, leaving things for later. He wants something, he can do it, but he doesn’t do it because the decisive moment has not yet arrived.
A person misses opportunities, does not grab chances and accumulates problems.
“I won’t re-glue the peeling wallpaper, we’ll move someday anyway.” “When I find another job, I’ll start spending more time on myself.” “The child will graduate from school, and then I will return to my hobbies and even learn new skills.” “I’ll get this set when there’s a special occasion.” That is, I will do everything, but only when I start to truly live.
It is important that, in contrast to temporary abstinence from any things for the benefit of a higher goal, the neurosis of deferred life involves years or decades of a passive attitude towards emerging problems and infringement of oneself in something until the defining moment. Instead of taking active steps to improve circumstances today.
Clean up your house
External order leads to internal order. As you know, the more places to store something in the house, the more junk there is. Not only is it unhygienic and steals the necessary space, but it can also bring back bad memories.
Remember Alexander Ivanov’s song “God, what a trifle”? There was some great advice there:
God, what a trifle!
Do something wrong at least once
Throw the trash out of the house
And invite old friends.
By the way, celebrating liberation from the past with friendly gatherings is a great idea.
Why do we put off life until later?
You are influenced by attitudes and beliefs
Serkin suggests that one of the reasons may be attitudes that have historically developed under the influence of religious and ideological teachings. And the global idea that one can endure for the sake of a bright future eventually transferred to everyday life.
Reality doesn't live up to your ideal
The future you dreamed of as a child did not happen. You did not live up to your own expectations and did not become what you wanted. But instead of starting to change your life now, you simply promise “Anatomy of Change. What’s stopping you from starting the flow of change and making life brighter,” Maria Eitan, that you will make your dreams come true as soon as possible. It’s like you don’t give up on them, you just push them away - again and again.
You strive for results for the sake of the result itself
You so want to finally be in this “happy tomorrow” that you are trying with all your might to bring the moment after which, in your opinion, it will begin. And you forget that you can enjoy the process along the way. But while you are moving towards your goal, life is passing by. Your real life.
Balancing past, present and future
Important! Sometimes it is useful to think about the past and the future.
Where would we be if we didn't look back at past successes and mistakes and learn from them? Where would we be if we never planned for the future or prepared for what was to come?
It's important for a healthy life to spend some time thinking about the past and future , but we think about it a lot - usually our problem is too focused on the past or future.
One of the goals of mindfulness and a key factor in living a healthy life is to balance your thoughts about the past, present and future. Thinking about any of them too often can have serious negative consequences on our lives, but maintaining balance will help us be happy and healthy people.
Important! It's hard to know what the exact right balance is, but you'll know you've achieved it when you worry less, experience less stress on a regular basis, and feel like you're living more of your life in the present.
How to learn to live in the present
In one interview with Neurosis of Postponed Life, Serkin gives several general recommendations that can help overcome the neurosis of postponed life:
- Start doing something to achieve your dreams.
- Love yourself for who you are, but continue to work on yourself.
- Understand what you want from life and what you are doing for it now. Compare lists and adjust actions.
- Develop a detailed action plan - necessarily with intermediate results.
- Make sure you have the means and tools to achieve your goal. In this case, the goal must be achievable.
If you want to learn to feel the present moment - the one that a second ago was the future, and now has become the past - you may also find the practices recommended by psychotherapist Nancy Colier 10 Best Practices for Being Present useful.
Ask yourself the question “Am I here?”
Pay attention to where you are at the moment. Get into the habit of asking yourself, “Where am I now?” or “Am I here now?” The body always remains in the present, in contrast to the mind, which is either carried away into the past or strives for the future. Feel with your whole being that you are here and now.
Hear the sounds
Concentrate on the sounds around you. Don't think about where they come from, don't try to explain them. No effort is required: just catch them and listen.
Listen to your body
Feel the processes that are happening in your body at this moment. Do not explain their nature or name them. Just feel and notice that they happen without any effort on your part.
Watch your breath
Feel the process, pay attention to the spaces between breaths. Feel how you and your body breathe. And it also doesn't require any effort on your part.
Connect the inside with the outside
Look in front of you - what do you see? Concentrate on the sounds. Without shifting your attention, add the sensation of your body. Concentrate immediately on the external and internal world.
Hear your thoughts
Focus on what's in your head: thoughts, voices and sounds. Don't interfere, just watch your mind in action.
Look wider
Hear the silence that hides behind the hum of thoughts. Find the calm that lies behind the incessant movement of thoughts, feelings and sensations.
Notice the infinity within you and without. Shift your attention from objects passing through consciousness to the space in which they are located.
Feel your presence
Close your eyes, feel your presence here and in the moment. Feel the weight of your body and your entire essence. Find this special state - “I am here, I exist.”
Imagine there is no “later”
There is no “upcoming event,” no “hanging task,” nothing to be done. Stop preparing and planning - take it all away. Meet the “now” and imagine that there is nothing to do and there is no need to run anywhere.
Freeze Basic Biological Materials
Our body contains many things that could save us in the future... But alas: every morning we flush some of them down the toilet. Take at least feces. It could potentially be frozen to later give us back our “native” gut bacteria if our own gut microbiome is damaged by antibiotics or disease.
Skin cells are also important. They can be turned into stem cells, which can later help rejuvenate aging organs and tissues.
If in the future treatments become personalized—that is, carried out using our own biomaterials—it would be desirable to fix (e.g., freeze) these materials at a younger age.
We invest money in a bank to ensure our financial security in the future. Exactly the same should be done with biomaterials. They are our insurance in case of loss of health.
Happiness concept
So, let’s first define what happiness is?
Happiness is a special state associated with internal satisfaction with one’s own life, its conditions, the presence of meaningfulness of existence, understanding of purpose, self-realization in life and society.
As we see, happiness includes the material and spiritual side of life. It’s interesting that people often spend their entire lives searching for happiness, and at the end of their lives they come to the realization that happiness is life itself, the ability to see the world, breathe, hear birds singing, play with children, happiness is in everything. However, in the bustle of life, we do not notice the bright and happy moments; we constantly run, trying to catch luck by the tail.
There is an opinion that happiness means wealth or unprecedented success, everything is relative. The rich also have difficult periods in their lives, but an ordinary person can receive more joy from life due to his development and ability to see beauty. This means that the ability to be happy depends on a person, his internal state, and perception of the world.
The Dalai Lama has identified two ways to achieve happiness
External - the desire to obtain the maximum amount of benefits, comfort, luxury and internal - spiritual development. Moreover, a conscious person who is in harmony with the world around him can be happier than a person who constantly strives to receive material reinforcement. Of course, the material part of life cannot be excluded from life, but with internal development, a person knows how to use wisely obtained resources for the benefit of his own family and society, and also always enjoys life and his own achievements.
It is important to notice the results, the development process, the beauty of the world, to live for today and the moment. Happiness is not always a result, it is a state of mind, a feeling of joy from actions, striving for one’s own goals, helping others
Often the path to a dream also brings joy, no less than the achievement. And realizing your abilities and caring for loved ones helps you feel your own importance and happiness in life.
The sages say: he who understands the world is in no hurry and seizes every moment of life.
Indeed, in the hustle and bustle we often do not notice something important - a favorite look, the first steps of a child, the smile of a passerby, a sunset or sunrise. It is useful to give yourself a break, to look at the world through the eyes of a child who learns and notices beauty
And happiness is also known through comparison. It often seems that everything is bad, but let’s remember poor countries or people with disabilities - the realization comes that happiness is living, having shelter and food, and the rest can be created, improved, finalized, found.
Happiness is multifaceted: it includes the presence of love, family, friends, living conditions, but some people attract good luck and good people, others - on the contrary. Maybe you need to find inner happiness initially in order to obtain the external attributes of a happy life?
