How to overcome depression and loneliness: a guide to action

Alone again. These words send a chill down your spine. They are afraid of loneliness, they think about it with longing. Is it possible to benefit from a breakup or separation?

Some of my friends and readers now find themselves in this situation after a breakup with a boyfriend, divorce, or other life disasters. They are relearning solo swimming skills. And I myself experienced all this after a serious relationship with a man ended in failure several years ago.

I know from myself that the “brave new world” that has opened up initially evokes fear. But at the same time there is a lot of beautiful and amazing things in it! You belong to yourself, you have the freedom to learn new things and try a variety of types of self-realization.

When I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of years ago, I felt absolutely empty for the first few weeks. And this despite the fact that I ended the relationship on my own initiative.

It seemed to me that there was a desert around me, everything was over, nothing was happening and there was emptiness in my heart. I had to endure this unpleasant state, and then get down to business - rebuild my life, step by step, brick by brick.

And do you know what happened in the end? One morning I woke up and realized that my mental wound ached a little less than before. The next day - even less, and then she stopped hurting altogether. Now, after years, I have fully recovered: I am implementing my plans and projects, communicating with people, participating in exciting adventures that I could not even dream of before.

True, to achieve such a result, I had to turn to a psychologist. But, one way or another, I was healed. And most importantly, I improved my relationship with myself. And I really missed this. I was able to take a new look at what I had previously thought of as “emptiness.” In fact, I freed up space that could be filled with whatever I wanted. And this was just the beginning...

Let me list a few advantages of a self-sufficient life:

• “Alone again” is a time of unlimited possibilities. You are free to do what interests you, what is important to you, what excites and pleases you.
• This is a rare chance to pamper yourself - to spend time on self-improvement, to realize your dreams, goals, aspirations, without asking anyone's permission and without being obligated to anyone.
• Your hands are free, your mind is open, your eyes are open - you can try new things, learn something, laugh, enjoy life.
• In the language of an independent woman, the phrase “single again” rhymes with concepts such as “new chapter in life,” “clean slate,” “fresh start,” “new beginnings.”

As the ancients said, carpe diem - seize the moment! If you are alone, it means you have the courage and intelligence to face the unknown and overcome any difficulties that arise on your own.

Breakup shakes

The period after a breakup is the best time to understand who you are and what you want from life.
They say that from love to hate there is only one step. And I’ll tell you that it’s not far from despair to joy. Whenever shocks occur that break your heart, the gates of the soul simultaneously open wide for new emotions, new knowledge, new experiences that can lift you to another level of existence.

It's scary to leave the comfortable haven that is a long-term relationship. But think about what will happen if the butterfly refuses to come out of its cocoon?

She will never grow, transform, spread her wings. Imagine that you no longer fit into a dress: even if it once fit perfectly, you will no longer wear it. So why do we hold on to our old connections so much, even if it is absolutely clear that we have outgrown them and the person next to us is not suitable for us?

Parting shakes a woman up, makes her wake up and helps her see what she really needs. Thanks to this, we stop adapting to circumstances and begin to understand ourselves.

Causes

The causes of depression in men can be physiological and psychological.

Psychological reasons include:

• Frequent or constant stress
• Feeling of uselessness of yourself or your work, etc.;
• General understanding of the inadequacy of one’s life;
• Serious stressful situations and shocks;
• Middle age crisis;
• Feeling of loneliness;
• General dissatisfaction with life lived;
• Situations that are traumatic to the psyche: accidents, violence, natural disasters, etc.;
• Childhood psychological trauma
• Parting with a loved one, divorce

Physiological causes include diseases that can complicate life and the full functioning of the body. But the most common physiological cause of depression in men is erectile dysfunction. This same problem may be a symptom.

Physiological reasons may arise due to:

• Head injuries
• Hormonal imbalance
• Intoxication with various substances, including alcohol
• Overwork, chronic fatigue.
• Heart attacks and strokes

“Depression is like a lack of values. An inner emptiness that has nothing to fill. This is not fear, but the absence of something important in your life. There is no joy, there is only heaviness from such an existence. This happens when a person has too little love, interest, or relationships in his life. This is a feeling of hunger for values. When the feeling of hunger grows to the point of insatiable, depression sets in.” Alfried Langle

Leave the past in the past

The day will come when you will look back and feel grateful that some people and some temptations have disappeared from your path. Without freeing ourselves from them, we will never find ourselves. I often think that if I had not gone through that terrible and heartbreaking breakup several years ago, I would not have been able to implement my favorite project, “Self-sufficient Woman.”

What would have happened if I had stayed with the man we were dating at the time? Unknown. Perhaps we would have gotten married and lived “happily ever after” with him. You wouldn't be holding this book in your hands!

Only after that disaster was I able to realize what I should be. The difficult experiences and subsequent “rising from the ashes” help me now inspire others to find their authentic self. So my breakup turned into a breakthrough?

Everyone who leaves you does so because they no longer belong to your world and are no longer part of your personal history. Tell them thank you for being with you and then say goodbye. Parting is a powerful stimulus for development. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who, despite the fact that her wings have been broken for some time, can fly again.

Where does the experience of loneliness come from?

Where does the pathological, distressing experience of loneliness come from? First of all, we should address the three most important needs, fixed biologically. The child’s first need for a mother, with her affection and upbringing, is normal, confirmed by experiments. No matter what they say about growing up and the fact that this need can be satisfied in childhood, it accompanies a person throughout his life.

The need to be accepted develops with the development of the child and is complemented by the need for society to accept others who are similar or different. This is the second type of experience of loneliness - a state of restlessness, rejection. Previously, the phenomenon of expulsion from society was tantamount to death, and a person who, due to intrapersonal conflict, does not have enough strength to change society, his immediate environment for fear of being expelled and not accepted, and does not have enough resources to build his own microsociety, may experience severe suffering.

The third type of loneliness is the absence of a loved one of the opposite sex. The myth glorified in films that intimacy, relationships with the other sex is a fairy-tale, magical phenomenon, only perpetuates a state of prolonged waiting in which a person is overtaken by the painful experience of loneliness. In such an experience there is a lot of personal fear of death, fear of not getting offspring, and the danger of the biological completion of the race. Perhaps the phenomenon of psychotherapy, which received cultural development precisely in urbanized countries, is largely connected not only with the possibility of pragmatic solutions to problems of personality and behavior, but also with the fact that in European culture a person is basically alone, this is the structure of his existence, this is what philosophers came up with, who, for the most part, carried out their research precisely in a state of loneliness.

How a Gap Turns into a Breakthrough

If you're going through a painful breakup right now and are trying to take off on a solo flight, remember that happiness is just around the corner. It is around the very corner where you will find yourself immediately after saying goodbye to the past.

It must be said that almost always the end of a relationship is replaced by something new. But this is wonderful! Events go “joint to joint”: one ended, the other immediately began. Doors open that previously could not be opened because the past blocks them and does not allow them to open.

Pain shakes you up and makes you wake up. Thanks to this, we begin to realize that today we deserve more than what we had yesterday.

The heart will not remain broken forever. A new start awaits you. Right now, at this very moment, you are face to face with something incredible and unexpected. Accept it, open your arms to him. And you will see how old wounds heal, wisdom is acquired through painful experience - your main treasure, found on the difficult path of life.

How to determine the line between a problem and a disease?

When depression occurs due to loneliness, what to do is a common question that is asked to a specialist during an initial consultation. A conversation with a psychotherapist is the first and so far the only way to understand a person’s problems.

Important

The fundamental difference between a psychologist and a psychotherapist: only a psychotherapist can prescribe medications. If you have severe symptoms of depression, consult your doctor.

If a person wants to understand why it is impossible to build friendships or love relationships, a psychologist or psychotherapist will help him. It is impossible to see yourself from the outside and evaluate your behavior, whereas a specialist will definitely be able to assess your life attitudes and suggest how they can be optimized. You feel “your” specialist from the first session, but in order to fully understand the problem, you need to complete the full course.

If the symptoms of depression (the reason for the depressed mood is not important here) interfere with a person’s life and work—nothing brings pleasure, it is difficult to concentrate and remember, and suffers from sleep problems (insomnia, daytime sleepiness), it is better to consult a doctor. A psychotherapist will be able to prescribe mild antidepressants that will relieve symptoms. And then it will be much easier for a person to solve the main problem.

Signs of depression in men

Such signs of a man’s behavior and emotional state should alert close people and attract their closer attention to their husband, son, friend, brother. Let's take a closer look at the symptoms of depression in men.

Emotional manifestations

• increased irritability, aggression, sudden outbursts of rage, anger;
• anxiety, fear, apathy, desire to lie on the couch;
• decreased self-confidence, loss of self-worth;
• loss of interest in communication, longing for something or someone;
• disturbing dreams that do not bring relief, but only greater fatigue.

Behavioral signs of depression in men:

• loss of control over one’s behavior, rash actions;
• risky actions that endanger the life of oneself or others;
• unkempt appearance and loss of interest in personal hygiene;
• tendency to solitude and silence, loud sounds are a burden;
• driving at high speed, drinking alcohol, psychotropic substances.

Physiological manifestations

In the physiological sphere, the following symptoms of depression in men are observed:

• sleep and appetite disorders;
• disorders of the gastrointestinal tract - constipation, diarrhea;
• sweating, hot flashes and palpitations;
• unpleasant sensations in different parts of the body that cause discomfort and anxiety;
• heaviness in the chest, making it difficult to breathe;
• fading of sexual desire and interest in a partner.

Thought symptoms of depression in men:

• passive daydreaming, which is aimed at experiencing failures and generalizing “everything is bad”;
• thoughts of suicide as a way to alleviate your emotional state;
• difficulty concentrating on anything, absent-mindedness;
• thoughts that contribute to even greater oppression of oneself - “nobody needs me”, “it would be better if I didn’t exist”, “everything is pointless”, “why try to do anything, it won’t work anyway”, “I’m tired, I don’t have strength, everything is still bad...", "I am weak, feeble...";
• fixation on a negative way of perception and replaying it in the head, like an obsession.

Old age as a life stage

Old age is the final stage in a person’s life. Conventionally, old age can be divided into three stages:

1. Transitional . It occurs approximately in the period of time from fifty to sixty years; now such people are called pre-retirees. Retirement is already somewhere not far away, on the one hand it makes me happy (I want to finally take care of myself, have more free time), on the other hand it’s scary (how will everything turn out, will there be enough money, I don’t want to lose contacts with my work colleagues) . Just at this time, the character begins to deteriorate, many people develop aggression, they often find fault with little things, some become whiny.
2. Ordinary old age . This period begins at age sixty and continues as long as the elderly person has the strength and can take care of himself. Changes in habits, health, mood swings become more noticeable, the need for help from younger relatives often appears, especially when solving any everyday problems, and the diet has to be reconsidered.
3. Frailty . Problems with the musculoskeletal system occur, old people have difficulty moving even around the apartment, many can no longer do even this, they become recumbent. Memory and attention deteriorate catastrophically, and complete apathy sets in. At this time, more than ever, it is necessary to support their intelligence, communicate more, if possible, invite their younger or more active friends to visit, and by any means preserve and maintain the interest of your elderly relative in life.

Types of aging

There are six different psychotypes of aging, let’s look at them.

Grumpy

It usually manifests itself in those older people who, even in their youth, liked to show their discontent. Such people believe that everything around is unworthy of him, everything consists of only shortcomings, everything has flaws, and only he is deprived of them. By old age, such people usually become very aggressive.

Unfortunate

Constant and pervasive whining. Life has not gone well, the children have not lived up to expectations, the work is uninteresting, the wife (husband) is unloved, the apartment is bad, the pension is small. Such people are even physically different: constant despondency on their face, hanging arms, hunched back, bowed head.

Family

Most often these are women. Constant chores around the house, all about children, grandchildren, their sorrows and joys. One needs knitting, another needs quick mending, the third needs delicious pancakes, and then the berries have already ripened at the dacha and need to be picked. Of course, not an ideal option for a happy old age, but, compared to the previous ones, it is more positive.

Healthy

More often - men. As soon as he retires, he immediately begins to take care of his health: constant examinations, following all recommendations for a healthy lifestyle, they sign up for all kinds of trainings, attend sports or physical education classes. All conversations are only about diseases, both real, real, and imaginary.

Adaptive

Elderly people with this psychotype quickly adapt to a new way of life. They develop many different hobbies, they like to spend time actively, attend many different events, and quickly make new acquaintances and friends. Loneliness is not about them.

Creative

Somewhat reminiscent of the previous psychotype. Even after an elderly person has retired, he is constantly developing and self-educating. He has an active life position, he has several interesting hobbies, and loves traveling. Such people have a constant and persistent interest in life, they do everything possible so that other people need them, in their presence, in communication with them. An elderly person continues to realize himself even in old age; he is interested in life.

Types of depression

Once you see a doctor, you can count on a correct diagnosis and quick treatment results if the specialist can objectively determine the form of the disease. Timely recognition and application of proven treatment methods guarantee a quick exit from an anxious state.

• Neurotic depression is a patient’s condition when he reacts painfully to various problems and becomes withdrawn and depressed for any reason. With neurotic depression, patients have difficulty getting out of a traumatic situation.
• Situational or reactive depression differs from neurotic depression in that the patient responds more quickly to treatment. A correct diagnosis and strict adherence to the specialist’s recommendations make it possible to quickly cope with the disease.
• With endogenous depression, not only personal qualities and people’s reactions to changing situations are involved in the process of formation of the disease state, but also metabolism, genetic characteristics, and heredity. The disease sometimes manifests itself without any reason or pressure from external factors. In this case, the trigger can be not only stress, but also a common cold or a banal change in the weather. Women during menopause should pay special attention to sudden mood changes. Endogenous depression manifests itself most clearly in the morning, and neurotic depression in the evening.
• Bipolar depression has its own dangers. A severe form of the disease leads to a painful, manic, elevated state, when inexplicable joy makes one perform wonderful deeds. Often such an unreasonable rise in mood sharply turns into a feeling of melancholy.
• Unipolar types of depression are not accompanied by sudden mood swings. In this case, joylessness and depression constantly weigh on the patient’s shoulders.

Personality and character change

The character, as it were, adapts to this neurosis, to this situation. A person begins to change, and those around him regard this change as a change for the worse, not for the better.

The character becomes prickly, sometimes unbearable, extremely selfish, self-centered, requiring increased attention, hysterical forms of behavior appear, manifestations of explosiveness when a person turns into a powder keg, igniting from every spark that arises for the most random reason. Or the character becomes hyper-anxious, suspicious, when every little thing begins to frighten, and in every case, in every non-standard, emergency situation, panic appears.

Both the first and the third options for transforming neurosis significantly reduce the number of quality days of life and are absolutely not worth it, because neurosis is, in general, a functional disorder that can and should be completely reduced. You can get out of it by returning to your normal, mental, pre-neurotic state.