How to Increase Self-Esteem and Confidence - 7 Powerful Ways to Increase Self-Esteem and Find Harmony in Business and Personal Life

“No one will ever love me,” “I’m too stupid to understand this topic,” “I’m not strong enough to achieve this goal.” If you periodically say these or similar phrases to yourself, then you most likely have low self-esteem. And this probably prevents you from achieving success and living life to the fullest.

This article can not only be read, but also listened to. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

You can increase your self-esteem with seven simple exercises.

Avoiding Negative Thinking

We often engage in negative internal dialogue without noticing it: “I won’t succeed,” “I’m too lazy to achieve anything,” “I’m too ugly for anyone to like me.” All these thoughts greatly influence our attitude towards ourselves.

The exercise is to write down all the negative thoughts you have about yourself. At the end of the day, re-read them and turn each one into a positive thesis statement.

Instead of “I won’t succeed” - “I can do a lot, I can learn this too.” Instead of “I’m too lazy” - “I achieved what I have, and that’s already a lot.” Instead of “I’m ugly” - “Many people like me.”

Repeat these phrases every day for a week. Soon they will begin to appear in your head on their own.

Autotraining

To get rid of low self-esteem, psychologists advise practicing auto-training. However, most people misunderstand this technique. This is not just self-hypnosis and working with your internal complexes. Initially, it related to therapeutic psychotherapeutic techniques. Self-education is only the second part of any autogenic training. Many people haven’t even heard about the first one, but without it, reciting the same affirmations is most often useless. We are talking about muscle relaxation, which consists of 5 main exercises.

Let's figure out how to properly conduct auto-training to raise self-esteem.

Part 1. Muscle relaxation

The task of this stage is to prepare physically for auto-training. To do this, you need to relax your body as much as possible and disconnect from the problems of the world around you. The German doctor Schultz (the founder of this technique) called this the switching point when the activity of the cerebral cortex decreases to a minimum. You need to achieve a state close to somnolence. This is the initial stage of hypnosis, intermediate between wakefulness and sleep.

To achieve this state, you need to consistently perform 6 exercises. But first, take the correct starting position: half-lying, half-sitting, or the “coachman” position.

Exercise 1. “Heaviness”

Goal: relieve muscle tone.

Close your eyes and imagine how one of your limbs fills with heaviness and becomes leaden. Mentally convince yourself of this: “My right (left) arm (leg) is heavy.” You need to feel it physically. 21 days are allotted to master the exercise:

• 3 days work with the right leg;
• 3 days - with the left leg;
• 3 days - with both legs at once;
• 3 days - with the right hand;
• 3 days - with the left hand;
• 3 days - with both hands at once;
• 3 days - with all limbs at once.

Execution time: 7-10 minutes.

Exercise 2. “Warmth”

Purpose: to expand subcutaneous blood vessels.

Close your eyes and imagine how one of your limbs fills with warmth, as if you are plunging it into warm, even hot water. Mentally convince yourself of this: “My right (left) hand (leg) is warm.” Feel it physically. The sequence and time for mastering the exercise are similar to the first.

Exercise 3. “Pulse”

Goal: normalize heartbeat.

Lie down on a flat surface. Close your eyes, place your hand on your heart or wrist to clearly hear your pulse. Imagine your chest filling with warmth. Instill this in your mind: “My chest is warm, my heart beats evenly, clearly, powerfully.” Feel it on a physical level. After your heart rate reaches a normal value for your age and health, you need to learn to control it: slow it down (do not drop below 50 beats per minute) and speed it up (do not exceed 90 beats per minute) using mental affirmations.

This exercise helps you cope with anxiety in stressful situations, quickly pull yourself together, and avoid sweating and panting during public speaking.

Exercise 4. “Breathing”

Goal: to develop uniform breathing.

Before this exercise, it is recommended to spend 5 minutes doing any physical activity to slow down your breathing a little. Then you need to relax as much as possible and restore it as quickly as possible by taking a deep breath through your nose and exhaling as much as possible through your mouth. At the same time, mentally every 30 seconds you need to repeat the phrase: “My breathing is even and calm.” After 2 weeks of daily training, you will be able to bring it back to normal in 1.5 minutes.

This exercise will help you cope with an attack of anxiety in a difficult situation.

Exercise 5. “Solar Plexus”

Goal: to establish blood supply to internal organs.

Close your eyes and imagine your stomach filling with warmth, as if you were placing a hot water bottle on it. Mentally convince yourself of this: “My stomach is warm.” Feel it physically.

Exercise 6. “Cool forehead”

Goal: to put your thought processes in order.

Close your eyes and imagine how your head becomes cool, as if you are in the cold or have put an ice compress on your forehead. Mentally convince yourself of this: “My head is cold.” Feel it physically.

The exercise will also be useful in stressful situations, which so often insecure and shy people find themselves in. Surely everyone is familiar with this state when the blood rushes to the head, the temples pulsate, and thoughts refuse to work. When you learn to take control of these processes, it will be easier for you to make informed and correct decisions - one of the key points for those who increase self-esteem.

For 3 weeks, practice all 6 exercises daily in the order in which they are given. At first this will take quite a lot of time, but soon you will be able to achieve a state of somnolence in just 5-10 minutes. And only after this can you move on to that part of auto-training that many people practice - speaking affirmations.

Part 2. Self-hypnosis and self-education

Before pronouncing affirmations aimed at increasing self-esteem, you need to prepare for this:

1. Ensure complete silence: close the windows, turn off the intercom and telephones, warn your family not to disturb you.
2. Leave the position in which you performed muscle relaxation: half-lying, half-sitting, or the “coachman” position.
3. Close eyes.
4. Feel complete relaxation and a state of peace.
5. Imagine a pleasant picture: forest, nature, sea, beach, rye field, space - everyone’s illusions will be different. The main thing is that the color palette evokes peace.
6. Turn on relaxing music: it can be classics, sounds of nature, white noise. It shouldn't be loud.
7. You can use aromatherapy. Coniferous and citrus scents are recommended.
8. You need to practice either early in the morning, when your consciousness is still clear, or in the evening, just before bed - this way the affirmations are absorbed better.

Schultz called this moment of auto-training catharsis (culmination). Only after this is it allowed to recite selected affirmations to increase self-esteem. They also have many requirements:

1. It will be better if a psychologist suggests them to you in accordance with your individual characteristics.
2. Do not type more than 10 affirmations at a time.
3. Sets of 10 affirmations need to be changed every 1-2 weeks.
4. It’s better to memorize them rather than read them on paper or from your phone, as this will disrupt visualization (you can’t open your eyes). Another option is to listen to audio recordings with them, but not with headphones.
5. They need to be spoken out loud, in a clear, even, calm voice.
6. Pronunciation schemes can be different: the entire list from beginning to end, and then repeat it from the beginning, or say each phrase 2-3 times. It's up to you.
7. There is an effective technique that recommends working with only one affirmation until it becomes entrenched in the subconscious, and only then moving on to another.

Be careful! Auto-training is contraindicated in case of vegetative-vascular dystonia, acute somatic attacks, epilepsy, tendency to delirium and unclear consciousness.

The most common mistakes:

• using the future tense in affirmations;
• use of verb forms “can” and “will”;
• use of the negative particle “not”;
• Irregular work with affirmations (not every day);
• a vinaigrette of phrases: today - one block, tomorrow - another;
• lack of action: if you read the af, but you yourself once again refused to read the report at work, auto-training will be useless.

The task of auto-training is to clear the mind of negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. A person with low self-esteem is a glass of dirty water. Activities of this kind are a filter that gradually clears it of unnecessary impurities. Do this until it becomes crystal clear.

Affirmations that increase self-esteem (approximate traditional block):

1. I am worthy of love and respect.
2. I act independently, without regard to other people's opinions.
3. Everything about me is beautiful: from the smallest details to serious actions.
4. Mistakes and criticism are inevitable, but they are just part of my experience and help me become better.
5. I forgive everyone who once offended me. And I myself let go of the feeling of guilt. All in the past.
6. I am the master of my life.
7. Everything works out for me. I'm lucky. I attract love, happiness and success.
8. I can take care of myself.
9. I am confident in the future.
10. Nothing can limit me in my actions and actions.

Lifehack. When you select a block of affirmations for yourself, write them down on a piece of paper with your left hand if you are right-handed, and vice versa. This activates the work of both hemispheres of the brain, and the effect of phrases on the subconscious will begin from this moment.

If you carry out auto-training correctly, you can literally increase your self-esteem in a month and love yourself even in the most advanced cases without the involvement of hypnosis and psychotherapy. This is an effective technique that is available to absolutely everyone at home.

Lifehack. Print or write affirmations on bright sheets of paper with inspiring pictures and hang them in different places in your apartment where you visit most often. When your gaze rests on them, mentally pronounce the phrase, convince yourself that you have read it, and do it all with a smile.

For auto-training, the correct formulation of affirmations is of great importance. For people with low self-esteem, they often become traps that, instead of treatment, drive them into an even greater dead end.

This happened to one of the writers. When she was young, her books sold well, but after the crisis of the 90s, publishers stopped taking her creations into circulation. She fell into depression, during which she convinced herself that it was not the economic situation in the country that was to blame for her lack of recognition, but a lack of talent. She stopped doing what she loved and sat at the checkout counter at a grocery store. Nervous work with capricious customers, undervaluation from her superiors, low salary - all this led to her self-esteem falling even more.

At some point, she realized the need to change something in her life and began doing auto training on her own, resumed work on a book, and left the hated position of a cashier. A month later, a tragedy occurred: all the publishing houses she applied to refused to publish her new work. The result is cut veins. Although everything worked out, thanks to the doctors who arrived on time.

Psychologists and psychotherapists began working with the writer. They couldn’t understand why auto-training, designed to increase her self-esteem, led to disastrous results until they looked at the list of facts, “My books are being sold like hot cakes by publishers,” and stuff like that. She convinced herself of what she had not yet achieved. And when these beliefs collapsed in real life, her subconscious could not cope with it.

Cultivating a good attitude towards yourself

Reread the negative thoughts you recorded during the last exercise. Imagine that a loved one—your best friend or family member—says all these things about yourself.

Think about how you would respond and write those words down. Tell me what you see as good in this person, what qualities you respect. Tell him you love this person.

Showing love to others is often much easier than showing love to yourself. When you “appropriate” your thoughts to people close to you, it becomes easier for you to see the big picture and understand that saying such things to yourself is ugly, rude and generally wrong.

Freeing yourself from guilt and fear

For several days, write down all the fears and sources of guilt that haunt you. Then highlight those that are repeated especially often. Maybe you feel guilty because you skip going to the gym, or because you keep forgetting to call your relatives. Or you are afraid that you will not be able to achieve some goal.

Select one item from the selected ones and write a permit for yourself. For example: “I have the right to miss a workout,” “I have the right to be forgetful,” or “I have the right to fail.”

Place this resolution where you will see it often: on your monitor, refrigerator, or next to your bed. The next time you feel overwhelmed by fear or guilt, look at the note and you will feel better.

Accepting your characteristics

Almost every person has traits that they don't like. You know perfectly well what doesn’t suit you about yourself, be it short stature, excess weight or baldness.

Make a list of these qualities and write a thank you note for each one. For example: “Thanks to my bald head for helping me spend less shampoo,” “Thanks to my height for the fact that I can fit comfortably in any car,” or “Thanks to my belly for carrying my child.”

You may not like some of your traits, but they make you who you are. The attitude towards them can be changed. And loving yourself is much more useful and pleasant than always being dissatisfied with yourself.

Books

To increase your self-esteem, read motivational and training books on this topic. If you work with a psychologist, he will suggest the list himself. If you study on your own, you can use a small rating of the best works written by well-known practitioners. Each of them is a real masterpiece that can change your self-awareness.

The main rule is to read carefully and follow all the recommendations that the authors give, take tests, analyze their results, and carry out the auto-trainings described in them.

1. Zimbardo F. Shyness. What is it and how to deal with it.
2. Levi V. The art of being yourself.
3. Mamontov S. Yu. Believe in yourself. Self confidence training.
4. Muir E. Self-confidence. A book for working on yourself.
5. Parfentyeva L. 100 ways to change your life.
6. Robert E. The main secrets of absolute self-confidence.
7. Santandreu R. How not to turn your life into a nightmare. 20 proven ways to escape the captivity of toxic thoughts to the shores of a new life.
8. Sergeeva O. M., Tarasov E. A. How to raise self-esteem and become self-confident. Tests and rules.
9. Frank P. How to become self-confident. Just 6 minutes a day. Training book.
10. Hibbard D., Asmar D. This book will make you confident.

Raising self-esteem is a long and difficult process. It is quite difficult to go through it alone, although it is possible. However, it will be better if you initially start communicating with like-minded people, find the strength to make an appointment with a psychologist, and enlist the support of your loved ones. These actions will force you to step out of your comfort zone and begin the path to the life you deserve, to those dreams that will now finally become reality.

Exploring your history

Comparing ourselves with others is in our nature. Social media has made this task easier: people post the best things in their lives, and it can often feel like your reality is much duller.

To get rid of this feeling, it is useful to write your story. This can be done on paper or digitally. Starting from the day you were born, remember and write down the important moments in your life. Those that are dear to you personally, and not those that would impress other people.

Maybe your first slow dance was a real event for you, or you remember your acquaintance with the work of your favorite writer. Add in difficult decisions - these are also important milestones. For example, leaving an unloved job or moving.

Refer to this chronology every time you start to feel like nothing interesting is happening in your life. You will see that you have been through a lot and this will increase your self-esteem.

Special cases

How to increase your child's self-esteem

Regardless of the child’s age, parents need to contact a child psychologist and not hide anything from him about parenting methods and problems at school. Don't act on your own. Otherwise, help may be useless.

Working with preschoolers

1. Don't criticize. Learn to accept your child as he is, with all his shortcomings.
2. Don't raise your voice, don't scold. Make comments calmly, do not shout.
3. Hug him more often, kiss him, show him your love, give him compliments, praise him for every little thing.
4. The child is your own reflection. Do not engage in self-flagellation in front of him.
5. Don't let him compare himself to others. Explain that every person is good in their own way.
6. Ask his opinion, ask him to justify it, gently correct his point of view if it goes against generally accepted rules.
7. Create a cozy atmosphere at home, without quarrels and scandals.
8. Provide him with enough communication with his peers.
9. Talk to the kindergarten teachers so that they don’t focus on his mistakes and scold him in front of the whole group.

Increasing the self-esteem of younger schoolchildren

We take into account all the recommendations for parents of preschoolers (they remain relevant at this stage of the child’s development) and add a few more.

1. Find activities for your child in which he is most successful, enroll in clubs and sections.
2. Motivate him to participate in competitions, relay races, Olympiads, but only in those areas where he can achieve success.
3. Always be a support and protection for your child if he is right.
4. Teach him to say “no” to both peers and adults.
5. Keep him a journal (diary) of his own achievements.
6. Never compare with your classmates in terms of studies.
7. If serious learning problems are identified, talk to the teacher about how to improve the child's progress. Do not refuse tutors if necessary.
8. In the case when he does the wrong thing, do not swear, but give examples from life of what such mistakes are fraught with.
9. Don't put too high demands on him.

With teenagers

And again, cheat sheets continue to work on how to increase self-esteem in preschool and primary school age, plus we take into account additional advice from psychologists that concerns only teenagers.

1. No matter how difficult it may be to endure adolescence, you need to be patient and avoid conflicts with a teenager as much as possible.
2. Learn to respect him and his opinion, which you definitely need to be interested in even in small things, from choosing a toothbrush to decorating the interior of a room.
3. Teach him to take care of his own appearance, which in adolescence is important for the formation of adequate self-esteem.
4. Do not allow a teenager to talk about himself in a negative way, humiliate himself, underestimate his own data and successes, compare himself with someone.
5. Listen to his wishes: if he wants to lose weight, help organize proper nutrition and create a workout plan, and not allow him to drive himself to anorexia.
6. Cultivate in him tolerance and humanity towards others. Psychologists say that this is one of the most effective methods for increasing a teenager’s self-esteem.
7. You can teach him auto-training.
8. Encourage communication with peers, but at the same time monitor his circle of friends in terms of reliability and adequacy.
9. Introduce a healthy lifestyle: proper nutrition, daily routine, adequate sleep, exercise and the absence of bad habits.

How to increase a woman's self-esteem

According to statistics, women are much more likely to suffer from low self-esteem than men. They are too critical of their appearance, too keen on self-examination and are capable of turning a tiny fly into a huge elephant.

A few recommendations from psychologists:

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. Find the strengths in yourself that make you stand out.
2. Never speak badly about yourself, either alone, much less in front of someone. Stop yourself from even thinking about yourself in a negative way.
3. Take care of your appearance and health, which are interconnected. Looking well-groomed is half the battle on the road to adequate self-esteem.
4. Learn to respond correctly to compliments. Not “Come on, I’m ordinary” or “Why are you flattering me,” but “Thank you, it’s very nice.”
5. If you are constantly humiliated by your boss (husband, boyfriend, father, mother, girlfriend), either learn to fight back or stop communicating. Yes, it’s difficult: quitting your usual job, breaking off a relationship with a loved one, saying “no” to your own parents. But otherwise you will have to endure them all your life.
6. Find something that gives you pleasure and find time for it at least once a week: shopping, watching your favorite TV series, going to a beauty salon.

The main recommendation for men whose girlfriends or wives have low self-esteem: never compare them with others, give compliments and gifts more often. This is the best psychotherapeutic help in this situation.

Example from practice. A young man came to a psychologist with the problem that his girlfriend had too low self-esteem, and he could not raise it in any way. She had a difficult childhood when her mother left her small children in her care and forced her to work in the market from the age of 12. She never had beautiful things, she didn’t know how to take care of herself, and she wasn’t successful with her classmates. That is, the reasons for self-doubt were obvious.

Work began with a psychologist. The guy taught the girl to dress beautifully, take care of herself, helped her enroll in a correspondence course at a university, gave gifts, and was attentive and gentle. However, even after six months of painstaking work, little has changed. She was still too shy, unsure of her abilities, and still considered herself worthless.

And only then was it possible to find out the main reason why the course of psychological help remained ineffective: the guy reminded the girl almost every day about her unsuccessful childhood. And he did it without malicious intent, he wanted her to see the difference between the past and the present. But in fact, she only aggravated the situation, forcing her to relive those moments of humiliation again and again.

After identifying this error, the couple managed to cope with the problem, the girl blossomed, became a happy wife, realized herself as a good mother, and was even able to make a career.

How to increase a man's self-esteem

It is much more difficult to work with low self-esteem in men. Firstly, most often the reasons go deep into childhood, and they do not strive to advertise them, but carefully hide them, out of shame. Secondly, they themselves are more closed than women, and for psychologists it is trust that plays an important role. Thirdly, persuading them to go to a specialist is a big problem.

What should men do to increase their self-esteem?

1. Set a realistic goal for yourself, break it down into several tasks and gradually move towards achieving it.
2. Take every mistake not as a blow of fate, but as a chance to improve and become better.
3. Workout.
4. Update your wardrobe.
5. Find a hobby.
6. Expand your social circle.
7. Offer your boss some innovative ideas, give a presentation, or take on a new project with further prospects for career growth.
8. Help others.
9. Start a relationship, start a family, become a father.

Recommendations from psychologists for a woman/girl on how to increase self-esteem for her husband/boyfriend:

1. Encourage him in any endeavors, motivate him to take decisive actions and actions.
2. Enlist the support of his loved ones: talk to friends, parents, colleagues so that you all act together.
3. Don't nag him, don't insult him, don't humiliate him, don't criticize him.
4. Praise for any achievements.
5. Ask, take into account and respect his opinion.
6. Ask for help with household chores, studying, raising children.

And the most important advice is to love him. A man who has a loving and caring wife waiting at home is more likely to be successful in his career and does not experience problems with self-esteem.

Exploring your skill map

This exercise will allow you to get to know yourself better and understand what strengths you already have and which ones you need to develop in order to achieve your goals.

Make a list of your fundamental attitudes, beliefs and traits. Then - a list of skills and strengths that you have developed throughout your life. List your goals and dreams separately.

Then start forming these points into a tree. You can simply draw it on paper, make an applique, or use a computer. The items on the first list (fundamental beliefs and attitudes) will be the roots and trunk. The second (qualities and skills) - in branches. And goals and dreams are leaves.

Create a daily intention

Once you've figured out what habits and attitudes you'd like to adopt or change, it's helpful to create daily intentions. To do this, it is enough to choose an aspiration in the morning that will bring you closer to the desired result. For example: “Love myself, even if I’m lazy”, “Be more patient with yourself and others”, “Don’t be afraid of change” and so on.

Once you have chosen an intention, write it down somewhere and re-read it throughout the day. Over time, you will develop the desired qualities in yourself.

Self-Esteem Functions

The description and content of the functions of personality self-esteem, as a basic concept in psychology, are given in the table.

Functions	Description
Stimulating	Motivates a person to take actions that can increase self-esteem.
Post forecast	Blocks actions that may affect self-esteem.
Regulatory	Ensures that the individual accepts tasks and makes decisions.
Emotional	Allows a person to satisfy needs and enjoy life.
Protective	Forms personality stability.
Controlling	Provides self-control during a person’s performance of tasks and actions.
Developmental	Motivates for self-development and improvement.