The ability to make good eye contact is one of the social skills that many people seem to struggle with these days.
How often do you talk to people who don't look you in the eye at all during a conversation? Or the ones you make eye contact with a few times, but then their gaze moves back to the shoes?
In this article we will look at eye contact from all sides, identifying its advantages and patterns.
PART 1: The importance of eye contact
In the first part of the article, we will answer the question of why many people avoid eye contact and look at its basic principles.
The role and influence of eye contact
It is known that women are, on average, better at making and maintaining eye contact than men. But this doesn't mean that men should now simply shrug their shoulders and accept this predisposition.
The ability to make eye contact is a skill that every person should work on. It is proven to create incredible benefits.
Before diving into the topic, watch a short video about the importance of playing with your eyes when communicating
Numerous studies have shown that people who are able to make eye contact are perceived as:
- Calm and powerful;
- Reliable and personable;
- Attractive and pleasant;
- Qualified, experienced and competent;
- Honest and sincere;
- Confident and emotionally stable.
When eye contact is established, it not only makes you more attractive in every way, but also improves the quality of your interactions with other people. It makes the experience feel meaningful and leaves the recipient of your gaze with a more positive impression of the relationship with you.
In short, making eye contact improves the quality of your interactions with people. There is no area of your life where by using eye contact you will not be seen as more attractive, confident and trustworthy.
The ability to look people in the eye and hold their gaze can help you build relationships, find a job, realize an idea, give a moving speech, be successful with the opposite sex, and intimidate your enemies.
Eye contact can help a lawyer persuade a jury, a boxer intimidate an opponent, and a politician win the trust of his constituents.
It can even help a musician win new fans. Research has shown that the more eye contact there is between a musician and his audience, the more people enjoy his music.
If a person does not make eye contact during a conversation: a psychologist’s opinion
During the reflections, psychologists noted that the vast majority of people do not make eye contact during a conversation. Eye to eye looks are most common among couples in love. In ordinary communication, people very rarely look into each other's eyes.
Also, during the observation process, it was found that leaders who are distinguished by the effectiveness of leadership over people look into their eyes when talking with their employees.
Everyone knows the need to look into the eyes of the interlocutor, but not everyone is comfortable doing this. Even if a person tries to maintain eye contact, he becomes uncomfortable and begins to feel some embarrassment because he is not used to it.
In many countries, looking “eye to eye” is considered an expression of disrespect, which is why women in such countries, predominantly Muslim, do not look up at a man when talking to him.
It is a common belief that to create the effect of eye contact, you need to look at the bridge of your interlocutor’s nose. But it is wrong, since increased attention can cause neurosis in the opponent.
Body language will also help to understand the reason why a person does not make eye contact when speaking. To tell that a person has become bored and no longer wants to carry on a conversation, his gaze directed upward to the right will help. And his dilated pupils will indicate the opponent’s interest in the conversation.
The importance of eye contact
Why does eye contact have such a dramatic effect on how others perceive us? There are 4 main reasons:
1. Our eyes are designed to communicate.
It's easy to understand why the eyes attract so much attention: they are freely moving balls located on a motionless face. Eyeballs are really weird when you think about them that way, aren't they?
Figuratively speaking, in the eye, the irises and pupils float on a bright white canvas. Have you ever thought that none of the animals have white eyeballs?
The white colors of our eyeballs make it very easy for others to recognize what we are looking at and notice when our attention changes direction.
For example, monkeys tend to turn their gaze in the direction that their head is moving, but humans are more likely to follow objects no matter which way their head is tilted.
Anthropologists believe that the unique human eye evolved to help us achieve higher levels of interaction with others, survive and build civilization.
All this suggests that our eyes are “created” not only for perceiving the world, but also for interacting with people around us.
2. The eyes reveal our thoughts and feelings.
You've probably heard the old expression: “The eyes are the window to the soul.” This may not be literally true, but the eyes do tell a lot about our thoughts and feelings.
Think about the expressions related to eyes that are present in our language. We are afraid of “shifty eyes”, and we are afraid that we will be “jinxed”. We are attracted to people who have “kind eyes” and eyes that “sparkle,” “glow,” or “shimmer,” and we are repulsed by those who are “dead behind the eyes.”
Love stories in fiction and in real life very often begin with a game of glances. Someone even said that a man can measure his love for a woman by his ability to see his future children in her eyes!
The fact that we believe so much in the idea that we can read someone by their gaze is due to the fact that when we ourselves are hiding something, we cannot control our eyes. This is why poker players often wear sunglasses to mask their reactions.
The human tendency to look into the eyes to decipher a person's thoughts and feelings begins at a very early age. Around 9–12 months, children begin to look their parents in the eyes to understand what they are trying to convey when their actions are ambiguous.
And we continue to do this until the end of our days.
We also place great importance on eye contact in conversations because it is a form of simultaneous communication. Unlike words, glances can be exchanged simultaneously.
3. Eye contact indicates attention.
Sociologists say that all people crave attention.
This hunger for attention can manifest itself in things like “conversational narcissism.” And if you read our article on narcissists , you will learn in detail how they behave in relationships.
Making eye contact shows the speaker that you are listening. Think about how you would feel if you were talking to someone whose eyes darted around the room as they spoke.
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The ability to look someone in the eye during a conversation is a very powerful influence tool. It's become so common for people to neglect eye-to-eye contact in favor of checking their phone during a conversation that giving someone your full and undivided attention can truly win them over.
4. Eye contact creates a strong connection.
When I perform a task or experience any emotion, and you watch me, the same neurons that work in my brain begin to work in yours - just from observing me.
This is possible thanks to the presence of “mirror neurons” in our brain. The activation of these mirror neurons is particularly sensitive to facial expression and, you guessed it, eye contact.
Have you ever felt strong emotions after looking into someone's eyes? Eye contact creates moments when you can actually feel what someone else is feeling. It ties your emotional states together and creates empathy and close connection.
This is why when we communicate online, it is very easy to get angry and hate people. But when you see someone face to face and look into their eyes, you can absorb their positive feelings and the anger will dissipate.
Synchronize with others, share your feelings, show attention, create a connection: eye contact is a truly powerful tool for communication.
What does psychology say?
The ability to look other people in the eyes is called making eye contact or eye contact. This ability is considered the basis of effective communication, which has been important in human relationships since ancient times. Even in ancient times, people considered the eyes to be the “mirror of the soul,” perceiving visual contact as an indicator of trust. And now the meeting of eyes has extreme power, activating many cognitive processes in our brain.
Fear of making direct eye contact was originally thought to be a sign of self-doubt or weakness. Also often, on a subconscious level, we perceive an attempt to avoid the eyes of our interlocutor as a sign of distrust. A person who does not make eye contact appears suspicious, cold, and in some situations may even give the impression that he is lying.
However, recently, thanks to the latest research, scientists have identified one of the most important reasons for avoiding visual contact. An article was originally published in which it was argued that this phenomenon lies not in psychological, but in cognitive reactions. It has been hypothesized that maintaining eye contact uses the same resources as verbal communication, and at some point it becomes difficult for a person to perform both functions at the same time.
To confirm the theory, scientists conducted an experiment, inviting 26 volunteers. They had to play an association game - choose the appropriate verb for the noun. At the same time, participants in the experiment had to look into the eyes of another person, whose face was shown on a computer monitor. The results showed that people who averted their eyes matched verbs to complex nouns much faster than when they maintained eye contact. A similar study also demonstrated that direct eye-to-eye gaze affects working memory and the ability to retain and use information for a short period of time, imagination and mental control.
Thus, without realizing it, we often break eye contact with the interlocutor in order to better concentrate on what we are saying or thinking.
Why is it so difficult to make eye contact?
But on the other hand... synchronizing with others, sharing your feelings, showing attention, creating a connection... it's not so easy - especially for men!
While people can tell what we're thinking and feeling through our eyes, on our end, revealing what's going on in our heads can make us feel vulnerable.
We avoid eye contact when we don't want people to see more than what we want to show. This secrecy may be due to several reasons.
So why is making eye contact so hard? 3 main reasons:
1. Hiding the deception
If you're purposefully hiding the truth from someone, you may be hesitant to make eye contact because you're afraid your eyes will give you away. You don't want to create a close bond as described above.
This is why people sometimes avoid your gaze when they lie to you. This once again confirms that those who maintain eye contact are considered more reliable.
2. Masking emotions
There are times when you are not trying to lie, but simply do not want to show your true feelings. Anger, fear and surprise are the hardest emotions to hide. Our eyes reveal them most clearly. At the same time, these are the emotions that we do not want to show to others.
Therefore, avoiding eye contact may indicate a reluctance to show your feelings and emotions.
3. Uncertainty
Finally, one of the most common reasons why people avoid eye contact is simple insecurity.
Making eye contact requires fortitude, and one might not want people to look closely at them.
People with higher self-esteem are more likely to make eye contact when communicating. While those with low self-esteem will rarely make eye contact and will be the first to look away.
When a person cannot look someone in the eye, he does not feel worthy of being on the same level as the other person.
This insecurity most often lies in dissatisfaction with one's appearance or state of mind.
Not long ago, a study was conducted in which university students were shown the faces of people who looked directly at them from photographs or looked away. The students then rated the photos based on whether they would like to interact with the people in them or not.
Students who rated people with direct views as those with whom they would like to communicate turned out to be more emotionally stable than others.
Another study found that people who suffer from depression are less likely to make eye contact with people.
People also avoid eye contact when speaking sarcastically. Sarcasm is often used by those who are too insecure to demonstrate disagreement or express their opinions directly.
Thus, the lack of eye contact when talking to someone is a reason to think.
Explanation from the perspective of neurolinguistics
Neurolinguists also offer their own version of why a person does not make eye contact. In their opinion, such behavior depends on what kind of thinking he has. Thus, visual learners use visual images, and it is important for them to focus on the eyes in order to “read” missing information. Auditory learners focus on sounds. And therefore, most likely, they will listen to the intonation and timbre of the voice, looking to the side. Kinesthetics, based on tactile sensations and intuition, try to touch a person during communication, shake hands, hug, and look down at the same time.
The Best Way to Improve Eye Contact Quality
The common denominator in all three of the above reasons for avoiding eye contact is fear of rejection. If a person avoids eye contact with others, he probably has unresolved internal problems.
Our eyes are portals to feelings and thoughts, and eye contact acts as a regulator of intimacy. The more eye contact you make with someone, the more you open your heart to them.
Thus, the more confidence you have that people will find only good things in your heart, the more comfortable you will be in looking them in the eyes. And, conversely, the more shame you feel for yourself and for your inner world, the more often you will look away when communicating.
As we already mentioned, in the second part of the article we will look at the practical points of how to make eye contact. But it is already obvious that no external adjustment of your view can compensate for unresolved internal problems.
You can force yourself to make eye contact with people even if you don't like it, but good eye contact is as much about quality as it is about quantity.
PART 2: How to Make Eye Contact Correctly
In the first part of our article on eye contact, we discussed its importance and some of the reasons why we don't always feel comfortable looking someone in the eye.
But just because eye contact is a vital tool for improving relationships with others doesn't mean you should always be staring at everyone. You need to do it right - at the right time and in the right place.
How to do this is the second part of our article.
We'll start with rules on how to make eye contact in general situations and then look at eye contact tips for specific scenarios.
Is the person lying?
There is such an established stereotype: a person cannot look his interlocutor in the eyes while lying. But British psychologists from the University of Portsmouth are convinced that everything is happening quite the opposite. When a person tells a lie, he wants to make sure that it is really accepted by the interlocutor, and therefore he continuously watches his emotions and looks intently into his eyes.
General principles for effective eye contact
So, what do you need to do to make good eye contact?
1. Maintain reciprocity
Typically, when you look people in the eye for the first time, they look away. But most people are simply waiting for permission to reciprocate. Research has shown that once one person initiates eye contact in a conversation, the other will follow suit after a while.
But there is no need to be intrusive. For eye contact to be effective, it must be desired and appropriate. When eye contact is not desired, gazes are perceived as distrustful and intense.
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Eye contact leads to physiological arousal. It increases prefrontal brain activity and activates the sympathetic nervous system, increasing heart rate, sweating and breathing. Moreover, this happens not only when you look directly into someone’s eyes, but also when you feel that someone is looking at you.
This arousal can be positive - if you and a beautiful woman look into the eyes of your interlocutor, it creates a more intense connection. But when someone looks at you suspiciously, you feel creepy, you immediately feel threatened.
If you have made 2-3 attempts to initiate eye contact with someone and have not received any reciprocation, give up on the idea.
2. Keep your distance
When you're talking to someone you don't know well, lean back or step back a little to put more distance between you.
The extra space between each other reduces the intensity of eye contact and will make the other person feel more comfortable. It will also help you maintain distance in your relationship.
Conversely, when someone is talking to you about something important and personal, lean forward as you look into their eyes, showing that you are giving the conversation your full attention.
3. Switch between eyes
Focus your gaze on one eye of the interlocutor and sometimes switch your attention between the eyes.
When you sit next to someone, you cannot look at both of their eyes at the same time. If you try to do this, your gaze will become repulsive and laser-like.
You may have never thought about it, but when you look into someone's eyes, you are only looking into one eye.
You probably already have a habit of focusing on a specific eye of the person you are talking to. But during a conversation it is good to switch your gaze from one eye to the other. This makes your gaze appear more natural and indicates your attention and interest more clearly.
Don't look between your eyes too often—you don't want to look like you're watching a ping-pong match.
There is an assumption that since you cannot look into both eyes of a person at the same time, you should look at the bridge of his nose. But in this case, your gaze will be artificial.
4. Do not bend
Long eye contact is good... up to a point. Approximately every 5-10 seconds, look away from the other person’s eyes for a moment. Repeat this over and over again throughout the conversation. Find a natural rhythm - don't count the seconds in your head.
If you don't know how to find this ri. Look at one person's eye, then at his other eye, then at his mouth. And so on.
Look away when you are trying to collect your thoughts.
It is normal and appropriate to break eye contact and look away from someone when you are remembering, thinking about, or gathering your thoughts.
When you look away, look away, not down. Looking down indicates low self-esteem, shame or fear. This is probably not what you want to show to your interlocutor.
5. Practice eye contact
Learning to make good eye contact is something you can do relatively quickly and easily. It just takes practice.
Start by increasing the amount of time you make eye contact with family and friends. Then increase eye contact with your colleagues and acquaintances.
As you begin to feel comfortable making eye contact with people, work on making eye contact with salespeople and waiters. After that, start making eye contact with strangers and you'll soon become a true eye contact expert!
Just don't take your eyes off...
There is an opinion that only a person with a strong character can withstand someone else’s gaze and not look away. “And there was no person in the Universe who could withstand Solomon’s gaze without lowering his eyes!” writes Alexander Kuprin about the wise King Solomon in the story “Shulamith.”
People on a subconscious level obey someone's inner personal power. We can say that we were convinced, persuaded, out-argued, but in fact we were influenced by the psychological power of another person. And most clearly it manifests itself in his firm gaze. This look is also called magnetic, hypnotic. Its owner can influence and manipulate people.
Some representatives of the animal world, such as tigers, are measured by the power of their gaze. So they find out who has more rights to the best place in the sun. The one who first averted his eyes lost, which means he must give in.
The same thing happens in human society: someone who hides his eyes or looks away in a conflict situation will be considered a weakling, which means he will have no chance of winning. A person with a shifting gaze also makes a pitiful impression. “A slippery guy,” they will say about him and would prefer not to deal with him. A person who does not know how to “keep an eye” is unlikely to be sent to serious business negotiations, because they are negotiating with a strong person. The weak are ordered and conditions are dictated.
But we should not forget about moderation. Staring for a long time can drive some people to neurosis. And being too persistent means suspecting your interlocutor of unseemly intentions. If we suddenly notice that the interlocutor is uncomfortable under our gaze, perhaps he is too heavy, prickly, and unfriendly.
According to psychologists, it is enough to look into the eyes approximately 70% of the time of communication.
In some countries, such as Muslim countries, it is considered indecent for a woman to look into the eyes of a man or an elderly person. This is regarded as a sign of disrespect.
Eye Contact for Specific Situations
Let's look at how to use the power of eye contact in specific life situations.
Business and sales
Let's start with the business sphere. By the way, we have an article about business and other conceptual ways to make money. You will 100% be surprised to find out how it really is.
Criticism/feedback to employee
Having you and the other person face to face makes the conversation more intimidating and interrogation-like. Instead, sit at a 45-degree angle with the hand you write with closest to the employee.
This slanted position makes it more natural for you to switch your gaze between the employee's eyes and the documents in front of you.
Trying to sell something
If you're a salesperson, making eye contact with potential buyers is important to build trust and rapport.
It is very useful to monitor when people themselves look into your eyes. They do this when you say something that particularly interests them. Therefore, you should pause and dwell on this point in detail.
At the interview
During a job interview, eye contact is second in importance to appearance.
The more often job seekers make eye contact with employers, the more likely they are to be hired.
Intimidating gaze
How to show strength through eye contact?
Make eye contact when you speak
If you want to show strength, make more eye contact when you speak than when you listen.
If you want the conversation to develop on equal terms, then eye contact should be the same while you are speaking and listening.
When you listen and look into a person's eyes, it makes them feel important. This is the secret of charm and persuasiveness. Strong people look their interlocutors in the eyes.
Close your eyes
When someone closes their eyes while talking, the communication becomes one-way.
In this case, the guy with his eyes closed understands what is happening to the other person, but the other person does not understand what is happening to the guy at all.
This is why those who close their eyes in conversations appear more powerful and in control. Although this imbalance causes resentment among those they talk to. By the way, this is why Darth Vader is so damn scary.
Don't look away
When you can't or don't want to close your eyes, but still want to intimidate someone, just don't look away first.
The person who “maintains” the gaze demonstrates dominance and higher status. While the one who looks away first signals his submission.
Maintaining strong eye contact on your part shows that you are confident and will not be pushed around.
Meeting the eyes of a stranger on the street
First of all, why would you want to make eye contact with strangers on the street? Well, here are the words of Michael Ellsberg, author of one of the best books on eye contact:
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“Before I started doing this, I was walking around the city and basically seeing other people as obstacles, they annoyed me. But as soon as I started looking into the windows of hundreds of human souls day after day, the whole world changed. I suddenly saw so much beauty, so much sadness. So much heavy burden, so much joy... The city became a symphony of emotions - all because of eye contact."
According to Ellsberg, there are several keys to successfully making brief eye contact with strangers on the street. They all revolve around the assumption that you don't want your gaze to make people feel threatened.
- Firstly, he recommends maintaining a neutral facial expression and a soft gaze - the muscles of the eye and face are relaxed;
- Secondly, make eye contact with a person when you are 4-5 steps away from him;
- Finally, look into their eyes for just one moment - the time of one step.
Eye contact when men communicate
As we mentioned earlier, eye contact causes physical and psychological arousal by increasing activity in the prefrontal cortex, breathing, and heart rate.
For men, this physiological impulse can make an important conversation too stressful and lead to conflict.
Therefore, if you are a man and want to talk with another man about something important, do it side by side - ride, walk, or play sports together.
5. Eye contact between a man and a woman. Tips for Men
Looking eye to eye is one of the best ways to attract the attention of the opposite sex. It is useful at every stage of the relationship.
Although you may think of your attractiveness as something that is fixed, it is actually influenced by many factors. Making eye contact with a girl is one of them.
Simply looking at a woman and smiling will make you much more attractive.
If a woman makes eye contact with you, don't look away first. Remember, a person who holds a long gaze shows strength. Your gaze will signal your confidence, which is so attractive to women.
How to interpret a woman's gaze:
When you look at a woman, she will usually look away, regardless of whether she is interested in you or not. But the way she looks away can say a lot about her emotions.
- If she looks down and then looks back at you, she is almost certainly interested. This sign is almost so reliable that you won't need smooth pickup lines when approaching her—just extend your hand and introduce yourself.
- If she looks away, she's not sure. Smile and look into her eyes again to see how she reacts.
- If she looks away, raising her head, she is not interested in you. She basically just rolled her eyes at you.
Once you catch a woman's eye and start talking to her, don't give up on eye contact because it will continue to be beneficial. In the first part of the article, we talked about how eye contact contributes to the establishment of intimate connections. If you forgot, reread it
