Under what conditions can a man return to his family and what needs to be done for this?

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Published: 10/25/2016

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Single life always seems pleasant to married men, but its luster quickly fades after divorce, when you have to deal not only with the positive aspects of such freedom, but also with the inevitable difficulties.

This leads to the fact that men often return to their wives and become exemplary family men.

• Male psychology
• How to take the first steps?
• Statistics
• Reviews

Male psychology

Falling in love sooner or later weakens, youthful illusions dissipate.
Everyday family life, which replaces holiday romance, may seem unbearably dull and even annoying for people. A relationship crisis sets in, and if it is accompanied by factors such as a midlife crisis in the husband and age-related changes in the wife’s appearance (as a rule, not for the better), then this can lead to the complete inability of people to get along together and get along with each other - spouses get divorced. Initially, a man enjoys the new opportunities that open up after a breakup: he can meet other women, indulge in entertainment at any time and in any quantity. There is no need to listen to your wife’s intrigues and hysterics, spend money on whims, or visit her parents once a month.

Over time, over the course of about a year, the realization of the disadvantages of single life comes.

These shortcomings do not always outweigh the advantages in the eyes of a man. Casual and fleeting romances become boring, constant revelry begins to have a negative impact on health, and the lack of moral support and hot food upon arrival home brings despondency and melancholy.

The man is trying to find a permanent partner. If he finds himself a new woman, then sooner or later their relationship will enter the same negative phase that he experienced with his ex-wife. And then he thinks about returning to her. Indeed, he has known her for a longer time, many memories connect him with her, and often he has children together. In addition, it is easier for people who have known each other for a long time to live together. Why stay with your mistress and relive all the crisis moments of the relationship if they have already been passed with your wife?

But if a man really finds a better life in a new family, or if a bachelor’s life, with all its shortcomings, gives him greater satisfaction, then the chance of returning to his ex-wife is minimal.

He will not return

There is still that 20% that will not come back. Moreover, this is largely facilitated by the behavior of the ex-wife herself. It happens that the husband rushes about, he left the family, but he continues to come, but cannot stay. Often, because he returns exactly to where he ran away from. Therefore, if the desire to return a man persists, you should avoid making a number of common mistakes:

• Humiliate yourself and beg for your return. This approach will push him away even further, especially if it is done at the moment of his epic screaming departure. Don't fall, don't ask. They don’t return to the weak, and living not out of love, but out of pity, is the worst of all.
• Threats and manipulation. This can include the entire spectrum of intimidation, from suicide attempts to the inability to see children. You shouldn't go this route. This certainly won’t add beauty to the ex-wife, but the husband is definitely capable of inflaming him with hatred for her.
• Questions about the future. A rather naive warning, but in one of the sources, there was advice that questions like “Where are you going?”, “Who are you going to?” will make him think and stay. Or in this way, it will be possible to understand the sobriety of the decision made. Don’t think that when he leaves, he will pour out his soul before the final credits with a happy ending, like a villain from a low-budget film.
• Persecution. Calls, spying on a new passion, all this is only beautiful in TV series. In reality, it is humiliating and ineffective. The worst thing is to go even further and start ruining your ex’s life in every possible way.
• Depression. Divorce is, of course, a very difficult event for the psyche, but falling into long-term despondency over this is not an option. Especially if there are children waiting at home who need an adequate and strong mother. Crying is allowed, but only for a limited time.
• Search for a replacement. As revenge or in order to show that not only He is capable of pleasing other people, you should not go to bed with the first person you meet. Feelings of shame and personal humiliation are guaranteed. After ending a marriage, you should first raise your self-esteem, work on your mental well-being, and then build a new life.

How to take the first steps?

The first thing to understand is: it is better not to contact in the first months after a divorce, while emotions and mutual hostility are at a high level.

This will only worsen the opinion of the former spouses about each other and reduce the likelihood of fruitful contacts in the future. You should wait until all emotional shocks have smoothed out and only then make the first attempts to establish a conversation.

Try to change your appearance and behavior. After all, it could really be about you. Maybe as you get older, you stop taking care of yourself and become too rude and aggressive. Conduct introspection, try to look at yourself from the outside. Of course, it is unlikely that you will be able to become the old young and naive girl, but you can try to regain at least some of the best traits that were characteristic of you in those days when your husband loved you.

There are situations when a man perceives his former family as a “reserve airfield”, but lives independently. He is interested in his wife’s personal life and interferes in her affairs, but is in no hurry to live with her, help her with housework and moral issues. If a wife loves her husband and indulges him, this situation can last for years.

This is a path to nowhere, it cannot lead to the restoration of a full-fledged relationship, and if this happens, it will be at too high a cost for the wife.

In this case, the husband should be given a choice: either a family or an independent life. If he chooses the second option, you should limit his access to your home and not allow him to interfere in his personal life.

You should think carefully before taking your first steps. Compare all the pros and cons. Do you even need a relationship with this person? Are you driven by nostalgic feelings? Is your ex-spouse valuable to you as a person? Relationships built on nostalgia, and not on mutual sympathy between people, are doomed to collapse.

A woman who has become an ex-wife should not think that divorce has forever put an end to the previous relationship. At first, many people think so. But over time, when past grievances go away, and life provides the opportunity to compare and evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of a broken marriage, many things are assessed differently. Some from the first day, others over time begin to think: how to get your husband back after a divorce?

If it seems that a difficult period in life - divorce and overcoming its consequences - has already passed, then you are wrong. When the thought “I want to return to my previous relationship” comes to mind, difficult times lie ahead. Restoring a marriage after a divorce is an experience and hard work, because you will have to restore the broken connections.

This period is difficult not only for women, but also for men. If your husband wants to come back after a divorce and restore the past, he will have to work just as hard as you. Be generous: help your husband with this! Keep in mind that the time has come when you must take the initiative, act with restraint and think about how to get your husband back after divorce.

Steps towards each other

1. If a little time has passed since the divorce, the emotional state leaves much to be desired. And sometimes even after a year it is not possible to cope with the resentment and negative emotions associated with the divorce. Remember, in a state of resentment and irritation it is impossible to make the right decisions and return your husband. The calmer the woman, the greater the chances of returning the marriage. A balanced psychological state is an advantage. In this case, the husband receives another argument in favor of returning to the family. Try to forget about claims against your husband, close your eyes to annoying shortcomings, and focus on good qualities. After all, having weighed all the pros and cons, you have already decided to return the marriage.
2. After a divorce, there is no trace of old feelings, and it is difficult to return them. But you and your husband have a lot in common, including a past that contains a lot of good things. Memories of old times can be the first joint steps towards restoring feelings. Old photographs of your former life and children, videos of holidays and travel will be of help at this moment. Pay attention to yourself. Appearance, manner of communication, positive mood - everything should return you to the same person you were at the beginning of the relationship. Despite the years you have passed and the divorce you have experienced, your husband should see in you the one who once conquered him. The main thing is not to overdo it! Imposition and pressure will not help you get your husband back. You should not initiate meetings with your ex-husband. Going through a divorce requires comprehension, time to think, evaluate what is happening and say to yourself: “I want everything back!”
3. Building a relationship with your husband requires significant effort. Be active and don't rely on chance. A woman is more emotional, and this advantage should be taken advantage of. Remember your first dates and how easily you managed to get your guy back, just by alternating affection and coldness. This is a good way to get your feelings back.

Reason for divorce and chance of return

Whether husbands return after divorce largely depends on the reasons why they leave. Statistics show that every third divorced man wants to return to his former family, and 20% of them return to their wives. Usually this follows an awareness of the reasons for the breakup, a rethinking of priorities, and a reassessment of values.

1. The most common reason for a breakup is the husband leaving for another woman with whom he maintained a love affair while living in the family. By dramatically changing his life, he deprives himself of many things: his usual way of life, the care of his wife, who has become familiar, family authority, including among children. Only the loss of a marriage brings awareness of the significance of these intangible factors. In this case, the husband returns after the divorce, and the decision to restore the marriage depends only on the ex-wife.
2. It happens that a husband shows his inadequacy and this becomes the reason for leaving the family. Troubles at work and an unsuccessful career, inability to earn money and, as a result, depression and alcohol abuse lead to the idea of ​​​​starting to live from scratch. The new relationship, according to the ex-husband, will help strengthen his life. Often these hopes are not justified. A new partner rarely agrees to endure difficulties, endure failures, and solve financial problems together. Experience shows that you will not find the same support as your former wife from your new partner. And the most important thing in life is my wife and children. The husband returns after a divorce, but occupies a completely different position in the family and must constantly prove his worth to his wife.
3. There are many cases when a woman leaves her husband for various reasons, initiating the divorce. And then, after weighing all the pros and cons, he still decides to choose his former husband.

Interestingly, men don't go through a breakup easily. This is evidenced by the fact that 30% of clients of practicing psychologists are divorced husbands who have sought help. Various sexual disorders, depression, and decreased interest in life appear. These symptoms peak in the middle of the second year after divorce, which is why psychologists have defined this problem as “seventeenth month syndrome.”

Consequences of leaving family

And the main reason for this is the disappointment experienced. As a rule, ideas about “freedom”, hopes of meeting a special woman who will change your life and be able to return bright feelings and extraordinary sexual sensations to it, are not justified, or are partially justified. The man does not receive the care and attention that was in his previous marriage. After euphoria comes disappointment when the new partner turns out to be worse in everyday life than his wife, and the “holiday” ends. There is a desire to compare your previous marriage with a new relationship, and you remember bright and joyful moments before the divorce. Gradually, a calm and more sober assessment of the past and a desire to return everything appear. There is a rethinking of the values ​​that were lost, disappointment in the newly created connections, and regret about the divorce.

Often a disappointed man leaves a new woman and leads a bachelor life, living without the burden of responsibility, freely and carefree. But it quickly becomes clear that there is little good in this. It is not easy for a man accustomed to a caring wife and comfort to live outside of marriage. There is a craving for excessive drinking and entertainment. If a woman is nearby, she suppresses the excessive desire for bad habits. In a couple, it is the woman who bears the burden of organizing, trying to return male energy in the socially correct direction, suppressing destructive impulses. Family ties are a stabilizing factor for many men.

Part of being a bachelor is an intense sex life. Numerous partners require much greater energy expenditure than a calm married life. After a divorce, a man spends his resources as much as possible: both psychologically and physiologically. While receiving new sensations, he loses strength and efficiency. For many people, a tense intimate life after divorce is possible only for a short period. Then comes a decrease in sexual activity.

Gradually, an understanding of the importance of such a family function as psychotherapeutic comes. Neither a new wife, nor a beautiful mistress, nor a casual partner are ready to take on the role of advisor and friend. Years lived together, shared sorrow and joy, achievements and defeats create a special bond between spouses. A man realizes that only his wife can be consulted in difficult life moments; psychological support came from her, and the family served as a reliable rear and protection from external adversities. It is no coincidence that psychologists say that two-thirds of divorced people consider their ex-wife more worthy than their current partner and regret the divorce. The combination of these factors leads to the idea of ​​returning to the previous relationship.

Divorce is not forever!

Maintaining a smooth relationship after divorce is beneficial for both ex-spouses. And often they help restore family ties. How to get your husband back after divorce and restore your relationship?

1. Clearly and clearly define the reasons for the divorce. Realize what led to the collapse of your marriage and divorce. You need to look for reasons in your own mistakes. You will have to decide whether it is possible to change something in yourself, accept, forgive and return your “ex,” and agree with your shortcomings. Try to soberly assess whether you are able to withstand your husband’s character traits, because it is unlikely that he can be radically changed. The same applies to your preferences: what are you willing to give up to please your ex-husband. Be realistic in your thoughts and dreams. You should not expect that when he returns after a divorce, he will become an angel. You need to clearly decide what type of relationship suits you.
2. Don't be intrusive. The ex-husband must decide to return on his own. But not without your efforts. You can create conditions and circumstances that will push your husband to the right decision and help him get back. In this you need to seek support from your mutual acquaintances and friends. Through them, you can find out how your ex-husband’s life is going after the divorce, whether he is happy with his situation, whether he regrets the breakup, or whether he expresses a desire to return. If the information received gives hope, you can begin to take active action. Don't count on quick results. Most likely, it will take patience and endurance for your husband to return after a divorce.
3. The first task is to convey information about yourself to your ex-husband. This can be done through mutual friends, expressing your thoughts about divorce and the desire to return the marriage.

What should he know?

• you remember the mistakes of your ex-husband, but you also realized your mistakes, so you understand the reasons for the divorce;
• after the experience, you look at marriage with different eyes, you know how to resolve conflict, find a compromise and return peace to the family;
• you think that the fault lies with both, and if desired, everything can be returned;
• you regret the loss of your marriage and your children feel left out;
• you have experienced the pain of separation and divorce, have improved your life, but you realize that loneliness does not make you happy, and your children are growing up in a dysfunctional family, and you hope that everything can be returned.

Such information will certainly push the ex-husband to take steps to return home. When you meet, try to mention the difficulties in your life, in raising a child after a divorce. The ex-husband must realize that you and the children need care and help. The moment when you can tell your husband: “I want our family back” will definitely come. The last step should be your assurances that, wanting to return the family relationship, you will not reproach him for past sins and expect the same from him.

Most likely, these steps will lead you to the expected result: your husband will return after the divorce.

Of course, after the husband returns, it will not be possible to pretend that nothing happened. A lot of effort needs to be made to get everything back. Both spouses changed during the divorce. It is psychologically difficult to survive the return and regain feelings. But if both have the desire, everything is possible.

Statistics

Official statistics are only known about the number of divorces. It is not known for certain how many divorced families are restored.

If we analyze everyday and everyday experience, we can say that every fifth or sixth family has been restored, and with the age of the spouses, the number of husbands returning to their families increases.

The average annual number of divorces in recent years has been 150-170 thousand. It can be assumed that about 20-30 thousand families are being restored.

In Western countries, people's morals are freer, and people are more relaxed about marriage and its dissolution. On the other hand, people tend to have better relationships after divorce. Therefore, we can assume that the statistics on the restoration of relations there are similar to those in Russia.

In traditional countries the situation is more interesting. There, family relationships are taken seriously, and divorces are rare. But if they happen, then the reasons for this are very serious. Relationships are unlikely to recover after such breakups.

A prenuptial agreement for a mortgage during marriage will help avoid problems in the event of a divorce. Feelings have faded and you are planning to file for divorce? This can be done unilaterally. Read how to do this here. Depression after divorce is common. You will learn how to get out of it by reading our article.

Comes from childhood

The famous phrase of psychologists: “we all come from childhood” is especially acute in family relationships. A totalitarian mother and an incomplete family can cause childhood traumas that a man will bring into his family life. Infantile, rushing between two women, he will not be able to decide who is more suitable for him and will bring misfortune to both women. The man will leave and return until they make a choice for him.

Dreams and reality

Men who decide to separate believe that they can do just fine without a family. After all, it limits him so much and imposes family obligations: moral and material. He doesn’t belong to himself, but he really wants to be a cool macho man from Hollywood films, easily moving through life and seducing women left and right.

After about a year of his “free” life, the hero-lover feels like a hostage to his new situation.

A man who has received freedom goes through three stages (they take approximately a period of one to one and a half years).

Stage one - pleasure

A man, no matter what age he is, feels like a male, full of strength and energy. He is ready for sexual exploits, can change his job to a more prestigious one, buy an expensive car. He revels in freedom. Diligently demonstrates all the attributes of his success. He is often under the rule of stereotypes or realizes some of his ideas (perhaps from childhood) about what a successful man should be. This is a very superficial stage in his life, without analysis and soul-searching. But it doesn't last as long as he would like.

Stage two - satiety

All such pleasures unexpectedly turn out to be energy-consuming activities for a man. Both the strength and desire to show off disappear after about six months. He's just starting to get tired. After all, often all the actions that he performs bring extremely superficial results.

Yes, he surrounded himself with young beauties, but they demand to pay for their every breath. Prestigious work takes up more and more personal time, not even leaving the opportunity for proper sleep. The man begins to miss the warmth, selfless care and mutual understanding, that is, the family hearth from which he so arrogantly ran away.

Stage three - repentance

At the third stage of his freedom, a man begins to analyze his actions, and finally realizes that he has lost everything that is most important to him. He sincerely repents. He often wants to return to his family, at least to try to start all over again after everything he has done. He makes his first timid attempt to establish contact with his wife and takes a wait-and-see attitude. He is in no hurry to confess. He needs some more time to admit his mistake and mentally prepare for reconciliation.

At the third stage of his freedom, a man begins to analyze his actions, and finally realizes that he has lost everything that is most important to him.

According to statistics, every third man, having gone through these three stages, makes an attempt to return to his family. His further future will depend on his wife. Will she be able to accept and forgive her prodigal husband or will she still prefer to go through life without him. Or perhaps, over the past year and a half, she has already met her new love (yes, this happens and is not uncommon).

Men thinking about divorce should remember that family happiness is very fragile, it can be broken in an instant, but to rebuild and regain the lost trust of your chosen one, it may take years of painstaking work.

Answers to frequently asked questions

How do I know if my loved one will come back to me or not?

Use one of the above methods, but none will give a 100% guarantee.

Do I need to wait for a return?

It's best not to get your hopes up. Consider the person gone forever.

If he returns, he will return. No, then at least you won’t torment yourself with waiting.

Which fortune telling is more accurate?

It’s impossible to say for sure. Here everything depends on several factors at once.

What to do if the signs don't work?

Unfortunately, we cannot change another person. Sometimes bad things happen even to good people. The main thing is not to blame yourself if you feel that you are not to blame for anything.

After all, it’s not for nothing that they say “time heals.”

When do exes come back?

When the faithful will be pulled back depends on what kind of conflict there was. For example, if the breakup occurred because of a mistress, then expect the first calls within six months. Of course, it is impossible to accurately predict. But if we take a typical situation - getting used to each other with a new person, identifying shortcomings, making comparisons - then perhaps your chosen one will run away even earlier.

If the reason for the separation is the insolvency of the head of the family, then it will take him less time to return. Men tolerate their defeats very poorly and when they realize that they are not able to support their family, they sometimes disappear without thinking about the consequences. It will take time to reflect and realize the mistake. How much depends on the individual.

Also, the husband may return out of pity for his wife. Let's say he is a good person and, having divorced his wife, continues to visit her and provide moral support. It is not easy for such a person to see the suffering and torment of a loved one; he strives to help somehow. It seems to him that the only consolation for his ex here will only be a return. That is, sacrificing oneself. Then he will say with a clear conscience: “I did everything I could,” without thinking that he is turning life together into torment.

The fastest to return are those who hid behind the reason - to breathe a breath of freedom. Even statistics show that such individuals always run back. The period of “living for yourself” quickly turns into a test - a man gets acquainted with everyday trifles. He cooks for himself, irons, cleans, does laundry, but, as a rule, he is bad at creating home comfort. Realizing that the idea was ridiculous, the companion asks his wife for forgiveness. But here the passion needs to think carefully. The spouse can run like this endlessly.

Why do men leave?

The strong half of humanity is often unable to resist family problems. Why do men leave? Each situation is individual, but there are several main points:

1. Mistress. The new woman, who pays more attention, looks better and is more interesting than the spouse. It’s good if a man dared to admit it and left, revealing the truth.
2. Lack of sex. Sexual life is the basis of relationships for a man, it is so inherent in nature.
3. Thirst for freedom. Predators by nature, men do not want to limit themselves to just one woman.
4. The monotony of family life, including everyday trifles, quarrels and incessant scandals.
5. Excessive jealousy. Sometimes husbands do not look at other women, but wives provoke scandals and conflicts with excessive questions and suspicions.

Analyze the relationship

Women tend to blame men for all their sins, but it is worth thinking about the reason that a woman chooses such men. It is worth taking responsibility for your actions, analyzing your behavior with men, whether the relationship was built correctly, what mistakes were made, what was expected and what was received as a result.

By taking responsibility for her mistakes and analyzing them, a woman will be able to build qualitatively new relationships in the future. Without analyzing the mistakes and correcting them, the woman will most likely again find herself in a situation where the man will leave her.

Does a woman need her ex back?

If, after a breakup, you granted forgiveness to your partner and decided to take him back, take a break and honestly answer these questions:

• Do you have a guarantee that your companion has changed and will not repeat past mistakes? If so, which one? You must understand that the probability is in equal proportions - 50/50. Therefore, prepare yourself not only for the honeymoon, but also for not very pleasant surprises.
• Why do you need this relationship? If you are one hundred percent sure that your husband is your soulmate and you can’t live without him, then it’s your business. But if in doubt, don't rush. Perhaps divorce is a chance for a new life? Perhaps your spouse never appreciated your feelings and care for him? And if he was an avid reveler or an alcoholic, wouldn’t he return to his old life after a while?
• What is the purpose of renewing the relationship? Maybe you have blurred priorities or a fear of being alone? And he, for example, sees you as a housekeeper and nothing more. Here even fortune telling is unnecessary - you will part at the same point as last time.
• Does the end justify the means? Perhaps you decided to get back together not because you love and want to be together, but for the sake of the children, for example. You, as a good mother, have set the goal of raising them in a full-fledged family, no matter what. But, unfortunately, the following can happen - you will become psychologically dead, your feelings will atrophy. You will persuade yourself to stay, to endure a little longer, but deep down you know that you are deceiving yourself. The only excuse for torment will be the thought that you are suffering for the sake of a “high” goal - for the sake of the children. This behavior is fundamentally wrong. As a result, you will not live your life, and as you know, it tends to “pass by” quickly.

Do husbands return after a divorce if it was initiated by the wife?

Most often - yes, especially to first wives. In such situations, a man seeks to return if:

he feels guilty and wants to be forgiven and accepted again;

wants to prove his worth and importance to a woman;

loves a woman very much and wants to be only with her.

Even if the woman herself wanted to break off the relationship, then subconsciously she will still wait and hope that her ex-husband will try to get her back, want to come visit, congratulate her on the holiday, etc.

Why does a woman need this? The answer lies in the feeling of possessiveness that characterizes both the male and female style of relationship between spouses.

Most wives want their husbands to completely belong to them even after separation.

It also happens that women who have recovered from the stress of separation may have doubts about whether it is worth returning to their ex-husbands? They are worried about the prospect of having to fight again, being blamed, or being deceived. Moreover, new relationships may already appear on the horizon. Circumstances force ex-wives to choose: to choose their former love or to leave everything as it is? But the statistics are that most women truly want their husbands back after a divorce. First of all, it depends on the behavior of the woman herself whether her husband will return after a divorce.

Conclusion

There are several ways to find out if your loved one will come back. Of course, none of them will give a 100% guarantee.

In addition, you need to seriously think about whether you really want to get back together after what happened?

It is quite possible that fate has given you a chance to find the true love of your life and meet a person who will truly love and appreciate you.