Respect because I am a mother! How to be a parent your child respects

What is respect

We intuitively feel the difference between love and respect, although it can be difficult to explain. Respect is a very important component of any close relationship. For a relationship to be kind, comfortable and “nourishing”, it should be about half love and respect, psychologists say. And this applies 100% to parent-child connections.

Love is a deep feeling of sympathy and affection. We can say that love is born in the heart, and we can hardly control it - on the contrary, it often guides us.

Respect is a special attitude towards another person: we see him as a separate valuable being, endowed with dignity and freedom. Respect lives, rather, in the mind; justice, adherence to rules and boundaries, and attention to the interests of another person are important to it. This is also a very deep and ancient feeling, it is characteristic even of animals, just like love.

If there is a lot of love and little respect in a relationship, we treat a person like a toy, we try to appropriate him and control him: we can squeeze him, interrupt his activities without asking, and do not attach importance to his requests and desires.

If, on the contrary, there is a lot of respect and little love, the soul leaves such relationships, they become dry and formal.

Parent Rules

Love alone is not enough. Learn to express your feelings or limit them, everything should be in moderation.

• Self-reliance is the first commandment . Teaching a child to be independent is the first thing every good parent should strive for.
• Praise in moderation. Don’t be afraid to praise your child for his achievements, but don’t do it just like that; a little criticism won’t hurt either.
• No physical punishment. Any physical injury that you inflict on your child automatically becomes psychological. The best way to educate a depressed and broken person is physical punishment.
• Don't pamper or infringe . Try to understand what your child needs and what is just a whim. A toy car, so as not to look inferior compared to other children, is a necessity, but a car with a remote control or a diesel engine for several thousand rubles is a whim.

By following these and many other rules that you can easily glean from your own upbringing by your parents, you will become a friend, a comrade, and the best parents in the world for your child.

What does “my child doesn’t respect me” mean?

Often in relationships with children, we feel their love and affection well, we feel that children need us. But we see no respect for ourselves. What does this mean?

“Children ignore our requests; they need to be called to the table ten times or reminded about their lessons.”

“They can “violate the territory” without asking: take our things, log into our account on the computer, lie on our bed.

“They are rude, they talk to us in a familiar way, as if they were friends, they can make fun of us, tease us.

— During conflicts, children yell and scream, slam the door, insult and do not plan to apologize.

That is, if a child does not respect a parent, he does not see in him that same separate valuable being with merits and personal interests. Sometimes this happens due to shortcomings in upbringing - say, mom and dad set a bad example of communication within the family. And sometimes this means that the child is truly deeply disappointed in his parents and sees no reason to respect them.

Remember to respect other adults

Of course, the child is not confined to the family circle. And it is problematic to instill in him respect for mom and dad if they themselves are selfish, cynical and disdainful of others (even if they value their own parents).

Of course, there is no need to demand from your son or daughter to unquestioningly obey all adults, to help them - after all, they are often wrong and behave boorishly themselves.

One day, my little son and I were standing at the checkout counter in a store with a large basket of groceries. An old lady stood behind me, and I politely told her that another cash register was vacant nearby. In response to this, the woman rudely told me that there was no need to tell her - she herself knew what to do. Children, of course, notice such moments and treat them with bewilderment.

How bad habits destroy respect

The easiest way to restore a respectful relationship with your children is to conduct a check-up of your family habits. Maybe there is such a style of communication in the house that children automatically reproduce the worst behavior of adults: they yell because they are in a bad mood, they look for someone to blame instead of solving the problem, and they can casually say over tea: “Are you completely stupid?”

Check to see if there are items on this list that describe your family's habits.

— Emotional instability: one of the parents may easily explode, act out drama, or walk around sullenly, ignoring family members. Mutual respect requires a stable and predictable environment.

— Inconsistency: parents set rules, immediately change or break them, promise and do not fulfill, argue with each other on the same issues.

- Rudeness with loved ones: parents insult each other in front of or behind the scenes, loudly sort things out, do not know how to solve problems without shifting responsibility and “I told you so.”

— Inability to admit when they are wrong and apologize: As children grow older, they become more and more aware of their parents’ shortcomings and see where they are wrong. Without admitting their own mistakes, parents reduce their self-confidence.

— Hypocrisy: for example, parents prohibit something, but they themselves violate this prohibition.

— Dry rules: in relationships with a child there is little feeling, trust and openness, but there are formal rules that must be followed without taking into account the situation and condition.

— There are too many prohibitions: the child is answered “no” to any requests, they do not listen to his opinion, they are driven into too strict limits.

- Comparing the child with other children: the child is told that he is not as good as “the son of his mother’s friend”, they force him to imitate someone.

- The child does not have the right to vote: they do not listen to their son or daughter, they do not attach importance to his desires.

— Demand for respect: no matter how sad it is, the call to respect an adult simply because “I am your mother” or “I feed you, clothe you and pay for your iPhones” does not work. Rather, such a demand will only cause resistance. At the same time, you can definitely respect yourself for raising a child and doing a lot for him!

If you find “your” items on this list, don’t be discouraged. Think of it as a quest or a life challenge to improve your behavior within your family. The results will benefit both you and your children for many years to come. After all, if adults behave respectfully, then the child will copy them.

Show your authority

Children often do not feel the boundaries of what is permitted, so parents must set clear and understandable restrictions for them. So, you always need to stop rudeness, rudeness, and disobedience. In this case, you do not need to use the phrases “That’s not how you talk to your mother” or “What kind of tone is that!” Let the son or daughter feel the consequences of his action - he will lose cartoons for the day, the opportunity to play a computer game or buy the desired toy, and next time the child will already monitor his behavior (naturally, physical punishment is unacceptable). He will know that the parent can really punish, and not just threaten, and it is better to take into account his demands.

6. The child must understand the boundaries of what is permitted, know that an offense may be followed by real punishment, and not just threats.

Yes, of course, every family has its own foundations and its own methods of education. But firmly showing your child a short and clear list of what is unacceptable in your family is one of the main tasks of parents.

For example, that someone who slammed the door and did not spend the night at home without permission will find this door closed when he wants to return. That the one who insults grandma no longer sits at the same table with us and is not included in general conversations.

Perhaps the position is tough. But how else can a teenager grow up and really feel like an adult, and therefore right, wrong, with actions that were noticed and appreciated. Sometimes it’s like this. But more often than not - with good adult actions, with decisions that the parents agreed with.

S. V. Shapotailo

https://www.all-psy.com/ks/kak-vospitat-detyam-uvazheniye-k-starshim.html

An analogy can be drawn with educators and school teachers. There are kind, but too lenient teachers. And children do not miss the opportunity to take advantage of this - they do not listen to them, while not feeling any hostility towards the adult. It’s just how guys are designed – they can’t miss an opportunity to have fun if it’s not stopped.

In addition, mom and dad should tell the baby more about themselves. The child must know the tastes, hobbies, and skills of the parent in order to see in him an interesting person who deserves respect (but many schoolchildren cannot say when, for example, their mother’s birthday is, or what color her eyes are).

Parents should tell their children more about themselves - after all, it’s easier for an interesting personality to earn respect

It is also important to read works of fiction to your child more often on the topic of respect for parents: fairy tales, poems, stories, legends. Some of them vividly depict the consequences of disrespect for parents (for example, the Nenets folk tale “Cuckoo”).

To maintain parental authority, coordination between mom and dad is very important. For example, if one prohibits a child from going to bed late, then the other should not allow this. Similarly, it is necessary to stop discrediting the personality of an adult on the part of the older generation: for example, when a grandmother treats her adult daughter as if she is stupid and scolds her in front of the child.

How to gain the respect of a child: aerobatics

A child's development and learning is based almost entirely on imitation. Remember that boring saying: “Repetition is the mother of learning”? — it’s about imitation and copying behavior, and not about the number of repetitions for the sake of memorization. We have already said that in a family with “respectful” habits, children will also behave decently. But that is not all.

Perhaps the main secret is that the child feels very well whether his parents are happy or not. Are you satisfied with yourself, are you making interesting plans, do you have the energy to live? And if this is not the case, he partially turns off the imitation and looks for other examples. And respect turns off too. This is an evolutionary mechanism that allows us to improve our lives. Of course, a lot depends on the characteristics of the child’s psyche - his confidence or anxiety, but in general this is true.

Therefore, if mom or dad “work like hell,” “barely crawl to the pillow,” and are simply tired of life, then they are unlikely to receive respect from their children. Perhaps it will be sympathy or pity, perhaps neglect. But not respect.

A person who is passionate, happy with life, and has his own interests and goals always evokes respect and a desire to imitate. He has confidence, magnetism, and you want to appreciate him. It is pleasant to communicate with him and exchange emotions; he is interesting in himself.

Therefore, we will have to repeat another familiar rule: “Educate yourself, and your children will catch up.” It’s not always easy: many families live in difficult conditions, and only have enough energy for the most important things - work, everyday life, school, helping loved ones.

But we must look for a way out. Try to make life more interesting and happier, become smarter, wiser, work on yourself, become a lively and energetic person. We do this not only for ourselves, but also for the children. And this is the best way to become a parent that your child respects.

I can't love my mother. What to do? — a psychologist answers a question from a desperate woman

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes.

The editors of Foma magazine received a question from a reader:

How should I behave with my mother, who hated me all my life? For her, I was always superfluous and worthless, unsuccessful, bad. And for 10 years now she has been completely in my arms, does not walk, and requires care. But at the same time she continues to be dissatisfied with me, says nasty things to me and about me and sees nothing good.

I can't love her, but I don't want to hate her either. What should I do, reconcile myself and accept it as my punishment and test? Or are there other options?

Tatiana

We asked psychologist Ekaterina Sivanova to answer this question, who shared her story of a difficult relationship with her mother, and also gave some advice on how to fix it.

Ekaterina SIVANOVA

In October 2021 it will be 4 years since my mother passed away. We had a difficult relationship. And despite everything that sometimes I had to endure, it’s so painful to live without her! It didn’t matter what kind of relationship there was between us, but I just lived and knew that she was there: out of my 48 years, I lived 44 years with the knowledge that I had a mother. There is her smell, her face. There is a person who knows you like no one else. She may not know you as an adult, but she was the one who held me in her arms at birth. And now I need to live another 44 years without her in order to know the world without my mother.

Two years after her death, dad passed away - and here I am, there is my wonderful big family, but I don’t have a mom and dad. More precisely, they exist, but they are not there. It's a feeling that defies description.

In my frame of reference, it is impossible not to love your mother. Whatever she is, a person will still love his mother simply because she gave birth to him. Yes, women may not have feelings for their child, but in a child for his mother this feeling of love arises on a subconscious level, this is unconditional love. If at the age of 40 a person says that he does not need to communicate with his mother and does not love her, most likely, he simply learned not to love so as not to hurt. These feelings are about self-defense.

He learns not to love because of the way his mother behaves towards him. And mothers behave very differently, because everyone has their own concept of the norm of relationships and love. I know mothers who can calmly tell their child: “What crooked legs you have!” or “What a terrible daughter you have! Not our breed! For some this is normal, but for others it is not. Therefore, we cannot identify the average indicator of the norm of relationships, just as we cannot measure love. You can't say that you love your mom enough and you don't.

And yet, every time a person says the word “mom”, he is transported to his age of five, when he was surrounded by love and care. If someone did not receive this in childhood, I give my clients this task: go to your mother and lie on her lap. It doesn't matter how old you are or what kind of relationship you have with her. Try it! And ask your mother to pat you on the head. I myself built a relationship with my mother (when I was already 40 years old) in this way. It was not customary for us to show our feelings tactilely, but one day I told her: “My therapist told me to hug you.” She laughed, but agreed to this “therapy.” I lay down on her lap, she stroked me, and then said: “Katerina! Enough! Your head is so heavy!” We played this game for a week, and then somehow I ran into her, literally for a minute, I had already turned to leave when my mother said to me: “How can this be? What about hugging? The psychologist told you to!”

Whatever your relationship with your mother, whatever she has turned your life into, there is a place for gratitude to your mother. Yes Yes. For giving birth, for choosing to save your life. Especially if you have grown up, become an individual and read the Foma magazine on your smartphone or computer screen. This means that you lived to this age, that you were raised, fed, bought clothes for you - in general, you did not freeze naked on the street - and for this you can and should be grateful.

It happens that a person chooses not to communicate with a “toxic” mother. “I talk to her on the phone and die,” I hear from my clients. If you experience this when communicating with your parents, go to psychologists, read books, talk to a priest (if you have a confessor with whom you can talk). After all, the problem is not with your mother, the problem is with you. It's you who gets destroyed when she talks to you, not her. Everything is “okay” with her - she just calls her child. And then there is your reaction to it. And the question is why do you react to it this way.

Now it is fashionable to say that we do not owe anything to our parents, we are not obliged to communicate with them. But that's not true. If you do not have the resource to communicate, increase the distance and again go to a good psychologist. To the good! It is important to find your psychologist and work with your reaction to calls or calls from your mom or dad. Remember: at some point these calls will stop. One day, each of us will have to stand at the grave of our parents, lowering the coffin with his body into the ground.

No matter how much you judge your mother for something in the past, remember that it was in the past, and today there is you and your mother today. This injury must be worked through so that the wound does not hurt. Otherwise, these lamentations “Mom hates me” will take a lot of energy. It is your choice - to take revenge on your mother or to say: “Yes, it happened. Yes, she did what she was capable of. I am an adult, I am responsible for my life, no one can insult or humiliate me, and I will not allow anyone to ever treat my children the way they treated me.”

If your mother gets sick, it is important to separate two images: the mother you are waiting for from work at the age of five, and the woman who has lived her life and ends it in unconsciousness. I understand with understanding when adult children place their sick, including mentally ill, parents in special institutions.

But personally, I live by the principle “we don’t abandon our own.” When my mother was admitted to the hospital with another stroke, I had the choice to leave her there. But I saw a woman dying there, and a nurse was sitting next to her - a complete stranger to her. I didn't want this to happen to my mother, so I consulted with my husband, children, brother, and we chose to care for my mother at home. It was hard physically and mentally: sometimes I locked myself in the kitchen and cried, not believing that this person behind the wall was my mother. But we were all together, helping each other, supporting each other. And we became closer.

My mother raised my brother and me, and what we are now is not out of the blue. Caring for her is an opportunity to give back. Moreover, I am sure that only with this feeling can one care for a patient. If you choose to care for a sick woman out of a sense of duty, then it’s immediately about “I have to - it’s my fault.” And if you look after your mother out of a feeling of gratitude, then all worries about her will be perceived differently.

In addition, when I went through my journey with my mother, I cynically understood that I wanted my children to see this. By the way I cared for my mother, I provided for my old age. Now I know that if I have these last days, no one will leave me.

A mother’s dislike for her child or love in a distorted form is really something that will hurt throughout her life. This is something that needs to be grieved and cried off. But there is good news: since you know well what kind of mother you would like, what you lacked, you yourself can take care of yourself in a way that you were not cared for. Someone, for example, lives out their childhood in their children. But here, too, it is important not to go too far: to hug, and not to strangle, to love, and not to fall in love. What we need is not necessarily what our children need.

One option to fix something is to talk to your parents, if possible. There are mothers who will say: “Are you allowing yourself to say this to me?!” And the relationship will not improve. In this case, the “two chairs” technique can help, but this therapy is best carried out together with a psychologist. It consists of sitting down opposite the chair on which your imaginary mother is sitting, and telling her everything you want to say. And then sit on her chair and voice everything that you feel while sitting on your mother’s chair. What would you say to your daughter in response?

Or take a notebook and pen—no computer—and write: “Hello, Mom! I want to tell you everything that hurts me.” And then, without mincing words, write in words everything that you would never say, but really want to say. You don’t have to do this right away—you can remember and add to it. And then you need to write down the following: “Nevertheless, I am grateful to you for the fact that...” This is difficult to do, especially if the relationship was toxic, but even one sentence will be enough. The main thing is that it be sincere. For example, thank you for living in an apartment with hot water, for having breakfast, for notebooks for school. There is always something to say thank you for. The letter should end with the phrase “I love you” or “I hate you, I can’t help it.” After this, liberation occurs - you lay out the bricks from the backpack that you have carried all your life. Tear what you wrote into small pieces, burn it, or let it float down the river. Finally feel this lightness that we all have been missing.

Remember that hate is also love. These are two sides of the same story, but not antonyms. Indifference and indifference are the antonyms of love. Still, “I hate” is a powerful charge about love from the other side.

And this charge cannot be suppressed. Emotions in general absolutely cannot be suppressed - this inevitably leads to scandals elsewhere, psychosomatics are triggered, sores appear... If you are angry and you have enough sense not to pour out this anger on your mother, go to the gym, go for a run, or do laundry with your hands. Otherwise, you will start yelling at your children, and they at theirs. This is a vicious circle that only you can break.

Prepared by Anastasia Bavinova

Happy parents, harvest of fruits

Strange as it may sound, your happiness as a parent in the future depends primarily on how you behave with your children from their very birth until the moment when they fly out of their parents’ home in search of their own lives. When you hear the word “parents,” what is the first thing you remember? Good or bad moments, it happens differently for different people, but the point is, when raising your children, think “what will my child remember in five, ten, fifteen years?” This is the only way you can become good parents for your children and not make mistakes throughout your entire parenting journey.

Well, finally, I would like to add one thing: think about it, can you say about your father and mother that they are happy parents? Justify your answer for yourself. Have you become their pride and joy? It might be worth calling them or visiting them in person, finally telling them how much they mean to you. After all, there is nothing more valuable in our lives than those who gave us this very life!