Lack of separation from parents or psychological immaturity causes many people to have problems with self-esteem, decision-making and the need for approval. Therefore, overcoming such emotional dependence is an important stage of growing up.
To understand the concept of “separation” and find out what it is, let’s consider why to separate from parents, what the consequences may be and what actions need to be taken in order to undergo separation as an adult.
Why do you need to separate from your parents?
Separation is the separation of a child from his mother, as well as from his parents and his family as a whole. The result of this process is the ability to independently manage and manage all aspects of one’s life, as well as the ability to make decisions and take responsibility for them.
A child comes into this world completely dependent on his mother, and a deep emotional and physical connection arises between them. Every day the baby grows, learns new things, becomes more and more independent and by the end of adolescence becomes an adult and independent person.
But if for a child the process of separation is natural, inherent in nature, then for parents this is not so. Often mothers worry so much about their children and get so used to being responsible for them that they stop seeing the child as an adult.
All this does not allow a person to gain the special sense of self inherent in independent people, and makes them experience a constant feeling of guilt and fear for their actions, which their parents will not approve of.
FALSE FEELING OF OWN BADNESS
This is the feeling that a person is unworthy of love, a good attitude, a good salary and career, the right to his own opinion among colleagues, and so on.
Frightening fantasies: “I will speak at a meeting and my colleagues will see how funny I am”; “It’s better not to express my ideas to my boss, I’ll get fired”; “You shouldn’t meet a man/woman, he/she won’t be interested in me.”
Solution: You can look at how parents imposed this feeling through humiliation and devaluation. Record within yourself the moment of “turning on” the feeling of your own badness: “This is when I was a normal child, and here are the situations in which, because of my parents, I began to feel bad.”
Returning to early situations allows you to see yourself from the position of an adult, observing what is happening from the outside, and give yourself the opportunity to experience the situation anew and adequately.
How to separate from parents as an adult
In order to separate from your parents and not spoil your relationship with them, you need to do a lot of work on your thinking and behavior. Step by step it will look like this.
Farewell to childhood
The realization that childhood is over and you can no longer behave like a child is very sobering and opens up new horizons.
This is the only way a person can take full responsibility upon himself, begin to take initiative in any matter, become active, competitive and ready to realize himself.
Awareness of parental influence
All people came from a family that influenced them, instilled and imposed its usual attitudes. Even if an adult thinks that he performs actions of his own free will, upbringing also influences their acceptance.
Until there is an insight that through various actions a person is only repeating the scenarios of his parents and trying to meet their expectations, complete separation will not happen.
Manipulation tracking
Often parents manipulate their child when they do not want to let him grow up and become financially and psychologically independent. Therefore, tracking and combating manipulation is another mandatory step towards separation.
You can get rid of manipulation only by building personal boundaries. For example, discuss with your parents that you cannot touch personal belongings without permission or come into the apartment without warning with your keys.
Avoiding unhealthy behavior patterns
If a child or parent is afraid to be left alone or is subject to control over another person (“How is he without me?”, “We need to control him,” etc.), then he is in a codependent relationship.
It’s difficult to get out of such a situation, but it’s definitely worth trying, because it will get rid of unprofitable actions and feelings of guilt.
Independence from parental expectations
Parents who psychologically attach a child to themselves expect a lot from him. He, in turn, in pursuit of love and recognition, tries to please them in every way. But no matter how hard you try, there will always be things that mom or dad will be unhappy with.
To grow up and become psychologically detached, it is enough for a person to understand: doing what parents demand is not at all necessary. Everyone deserves to live their life the way they want.
Forgiveness
The older a child gets, the more clearly he understands that his parents have somehow caused any complexes and psychological trauma. Unfortunately, there are no ideal mothers and fathers; they are not as flawless and omnipotent as they might have seemed in childhood.
Therefore, you should accept this and not harbor resentment towards your loved ones. In any case, it was they who helped you become such a person with your virtues and positive aspects.
Moving away from parents
If there are no serious reasons to live with your parents, such as help and constant care for them, then it is better to move to a separate living space. This will help you quickly realize your independence and eliminate some of the manipulation. Living in your own home can be a great start to a truly new adult life.
Getting rid of guilt
It is unlikely that all the previous points will be fulfilled without offending your parents. This is a normal stage when relatives will try to exert their influence in the usual way. It is important to indicate your decision again and again and eradicate feelings of guilt, because these emotions can be directed in a more useful and productive direction.
FALSE SENSE OF DUTY
Toxic parents often convince children that, having grown up, they must take care of them all their lives, indulge their weaknesses, because the mother and father are old and need full material support for their needs and whims.
They often require emotional support - the kind that a baby needs, but not an adult: to come to them every day, call often, inform them about everything, even about intimate life, provide parents with psychological comfort. In other words, there is a role reversal: parents and children change places.
Frightening fantasies: without me, the parent will die or go crazy from loneliness; the parent will constantly remind you of himself; Tormented by my conscience, I will not be able to live separately and fully.
Solution: look at the situation from the outside in order to separate the real needs of parents from imposed whims. Often toxic parents want to appear sick and weak. Their goal is to get the care and resources of children, their strength, money, attention.
Separation stages
There are 4 stages of separation of children from parents, each of which has its own significance and influence on the further development of the individual.
If each stage is completed by the child completely and on time, then he will enter adulthood as a mature and independent person who is ready to take responsibility and overcome the troubles and problems that arise without parental help.
From birth to 1 year
The child is born completely dependent on the mother. Every month he acquires small but new skills: rolls over, crawls, holds a spoon himself, takes his first steps, etc.
All this suggests that the first stage of separation is underway, at which the mother must support the baby’s aspirations for independence, and not interfere with her excessive care.
Crisis of 3 years
By this age, the child begins to recognize himself as a separate person, checking how many things he can already do on his own. It is important that parents do not drown out the child’s desire with phrases: “You’re little, I’ll do it myself,” “Don’t touch anything, you don’t know how,” “Come on, I’ll do it faster,” etc.
Another life stage of this age that is important for separation is attending kindergarten. It is then that the baby feels completely isolated from the care of his parents, and the more independent he is, the more comfortable he will feel among his peers.
Adolescence
This is the most difficult stage of a child’s growing up, which affects both himself and his parents. The teenager begins to self-identify and look for his place in the world. The point of view, views and interests of peers are important for him, and the opinion of parents, on the contrary, becomes unauthoritative. Against this background, disagreements and conflicts arise.
Parents who try to suppress desires and control their child's activities and relationships interfere with this stage of psychological separation.
Age 17-19 years
The stage of entry into adulthood completes the separation of a son or daughter from his parents. At this point, the adult child has already formed his stable ideas about life and is ready to manage it independently.
He improves his life, tries to achieve financial independence, manages his time and builds relationships with the opposite sex. Parents no longer influence adult decisions, but are only ready to provide support and advice when needed.
Why parents tie their child to themselves: “These are largely traumatized people themselves”
– Don’t parents understand that they are hurting their child?
“Parents don’t always do this on purpose. Communal thinking is still widespread among us. There is fear: “What will people say?”
Nowadays it is less and less, but our parents’ generation was very worried about how they looked in the eyes of other people. "Do not be fancy! Don’t disgrace me,” this could be heard very often. As if the “public facade” is important, and not the relationship between mother and child.
Hence the desire to shame: “Girls don’t behave like that, boys don’t cry.” For a parent, the idea that the child should maintain a certain image may be important: you cannot disgrace the honor of the family, you cannot wash dirty linen in public. And, if the child resists, sanctions come: physical punishment or psychological pressure.
It is not necessary to hit or call offensive names. Some punish by ignoring. They become a “cold” mother. And this is also very traumatic for the child. In the past, mothers did not understand this at all; they raised them in the spirit of “let him think, stand in the corner and cry.” This greatly breaks personality and individuality. And the person has no choice but to comply so as not to be rejected. Ignoring, especially before the age of five, is a disaster for a child. He perceives this as a real threat that he might be abandoned.
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Such strategies are used by largely traumatized people themselves who are trying to satisfy their needs through a child. A parent who revels in being overly important most often has internal dissatisfaction. And, no matter how hard the child tries to please, demanding and controlling parents will never be satisfied.
It must be recognized that parenthood is a charitable act. We give life to a child and then let him go on his own. Supporting individuality and desires guide him. Don’t force him to go to music school if the child doesn’t like it, but enroll him in the pool if he likes swimming. Help him become a harmonious person so that he can further separate himself, and not tie the child to you so that he constantly looks back at you.
If we raise a child as an adult with his own desires and values, then we do not rely on him as the main project of our life, from which we expect dividends.
Separation techniques from parents
There are 3 techniques for separation from parents, but they must be used together.
- Work through grievances. You need to understand yourself, remember all the unpleasant moments associated with your parents, and forgive them. The best way to do this is with paper: write down all the grievances and tear or burn the sheet, thus throwing out all your pain.
- To express gratitude. Parents did a lot for their child, no matter how the communication developed: they gave life, raised, cared for, loved and devoted time. For all this they should be sincerely thanked.
- Build personal boundaries. This is one of the most difficult techniques, because the habit of interfering in your child’s life will be very difficult to eradicate. But it’s worth trying to do this, repeating again and again: protect personal space from strangers, set boundaries for communication and topics that cannot be discussed.
These separation techniques will be successful when both parties agree on the following:
- parents will get used to the idea that the child must independently enter adulthood, and will stop interfering in all his affairs;
- the child will feel that from now on he alone is responsible for himself and his actions, and will no longer feel fear and embarrassment for his decisions in front of his parents.
How boundaries appear
The world around us constantly tests our strength: at work there is always a colleague who is ready to shift his responsibilities onto others, in companies there is an annoyingly frank friend, and even some friends tend to sit on our necks. But the most difficult thing to build healthy personal boundaries is in your own family.
A person is not born with ready-made boundaries. On the contrary: first the baby develops as a part of the mother’s body, and then, in the first months of life, he is in complete psychological fusion with her. Gradually, until the age of 17–20, the new person gains independence.
For a child to become a full-fledged adult, not only his efforts and time are required, but also the active assistance of his parents. But they do not always play a constructive role in this process, and sometimes they actively interfere with healthy growing up.
Toxic parents are not called toxic because we don't like them. Most of them - controlling, helpless, drinking and using violence - are united by an unconscious desire to keep the child with them at all costs in a state of codependency and submission.
Personal boundaries are a relatively new concept born out of a culture of individualism. They were widely discussed in psychology only in the 1960s–1980s. Just two or three generations ago, an extremely close-knit family, closed from external interference, was considered an excellent survival strategy, and not at all a pathology.
