In this article we will tell you:
- 4 types of touchy men
- 7 things that almost every man will be offended by
- Peculiarities of behavior of offended men
- What to do if a man is seriously offended
- 9 tips on how to properly ask a man for forgiveness
- 3 recommendations for “preventing” grievances
Oddly enough, some women have no idea what to do if they suddenly offend a man. Moreover, they really offend people when it’s simply not possible to pretend that nothing significant happened, much less turn everything into a joke.
Let’s say right away: the strategy “everything will work out anyway” will not work here, and you cannot let things take their course. If you do this, there is a risk that the crack that has formed between the partners will begin to expand. And all this can end sadly.
What to do if a man is seriously offended
properly presented apology is the key to the result you need. Let's look at the advice of psychologists on what you can do if you have offended a man and are to blame for it yourself.
- Give the man time to calm down.
If you have offended your loved one and have absolutely no idea what to do next, then it is better to give him time to calm down, digest what happened, and be alone. He may not want to explain himself, and your desire to find out everything will only make the situation worse. When you feel that he is ready to “get out” of the offense, then you need to provide him with attention and care. Talk and admit that you are sorry, you were wrong. In the end, just ask him for forgiveness. The only thing you shouldn't do is make excuses. Say that you will try to reconsider your views and not repeat mistakes. All this should be said confidently, clearly, but gently.
- Don't ignore the man.
It is impossible not to notice a man’s offense or his unusual behavior. The fastest and easiest way out of this situation is to discuss it. In this case, you should speak calmly and judiciously, take care of your loved one’s feelings.
- Show empathy.
You know your man better than anyone. Perhaps you need to feel sorry for him, and he will calm down. Show feminine sensitivity. You cannot remain indifferent when your husband is sad next to you. Take care of him, comfort him, give him affection and apologize. It is easier for girls to admit their mistakes. Even if you are not entirely sure of your own guilt, give in, but just a little. This will be your step towards reconciliation.
I don't know a single man who always behaves impeccably towards his woman
In my work, I came across the fact that a woman experienced the deepest resentment if she married a man mainly because he took very good care of her at the courtship stage, showed attention and love.
And she formed the expectation that it would always be like this. This means you can marry this person and have a child from him. I'm not sure if you see this, but from a psychological point of view, this is a consumer position. At the center of this family is a woman and her fruit is a child. And if in such a family a man is suddenly suspected of treason, then this begins!..
But there is another type of family. When a woman knows for sure that she has made her choice and wants to be with this man. She sees in him value, important qualities and talents, in his work - meaning, in his ideas - valuable grain and breadth of views. She is pleased to be useful to him, to participate with him in something joint. And when sloppy treatment comes from such a man, then the situation is different.
By the way, I must say that I don’t know a single man who would always behave impeccably towards his woman. As in the joke about the ideal man: such a man does not drink beer, does not hang out on the Internet, does not throw socks around, does not piss off - and does not exist.
In reality, men and women find it difficult to understand each other, and a woman who expects her husband to understand her as well as her best friend will inevitably be disappointed. Therefore, leaving open the possibility that one day you will have to confront your partner’s unpleasant behavior is a realistic and mature approach. Another thing is that in this situation you need to be able to react correctly. And before entering into a serious relationship, you need to figure out whether the man recognizes the equality of a woman in a union and her right to be treated with respect.
Preventing hurt feelings in relationships
What can be done to ensure that situations where a man is offended and a showdown occurs as rarely as possible? Try to get to know your partner well. What he loves, what he is interested in, what plans he makes for life and for the near future, what he dreams about. Communicate more, spend time together, respect each other’s feelings, then there will be much less reason for offense.
Think about it, how often do you get offended? How do you show resentment? Are you a manipulator or do you withdraw into yourself? If your spouse offends you, behave exactly as you would like him to behave. Be alone with yourself, calm down, and then calmly explain to your significant other what he did wrong and why his behavior hurt your feelings.
Become the best version of yourself. Try to evaluate your relationship from the outside. Are you good enough for your partner? Are you trying to be a good wife to him? Do not strive for the ideal; there cannot be an ideal in this regard. But you still need to think about it. Show your husband by your example: what a big difference there is between coldness and care and affection. Give your man love, warmth and attention. Try to convey to him what kind of relationship you would like, ask what kind of relationship he would like? And together, together, go towards your happy future.
And the main advice: try not to offend your loved one. Discuss problems, communicate, this will help prevent conflicts. Love and appreciate each other.
How can I make it do what I want?
It’s easier with external, physical boundaries.
They are visible. However, if someone carelessly violates this external boundary (for example, steps on your foot on a tram), the effect is the same - pain. People know what distance is acceptable to approach and what is not. Internal, invisible boundaries are no longer intended to protect our body, but our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. If we feel these boundaries, then we consider ourselves responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, rather than blaming others.
And awareness of our own internal boundaries allows us to refrain from taking responsibility for someone else's thoughts, feelings and behavior. If we know where our personality ends and another begins (even if it is a husband or son), then we will not allow ourselves to control or manipulate the behavior of another.
I met many people who asked me, a doctor, essentially the same question: “How to make him love me?” Or: “How to get him to undergo treatment”, “stop drinking”, “think the way I want”, etc.? “How should I behave so that he does what I want?”
But no one can be forced to do, think, feel something - this would be a blatant violation of a person’s internal boundaries. After such an invasion into the inner world, close relationships can only collapse, and people will become distant and strangers forever.
Teachers think they can force children to learn. They are mistaken. Children are freedom-loving and independent. They won't do anything they don't want to do. If there is interest, they will study; if there is no interest, you can do whatever you want with them, the result will be disastrous.
It’s difficult to admit that you want to receive attention, affection, recognition from the offender
In any spiritual tradition, resentment is considered a completely inharmonious state, and it is recommended to remove it from the soul by forgiving your offender. By the way, despite all the harmfulness of the state of resentment, silent and humble forgiveness of tyranny or deception towards oneself, from the point of view of psychology, leads to the state of victim. And also to the gradual acceptance of the position: others have the right to treat me as they please.
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And this is hardly compatible with high self-esteem, safety and comfort. Therefore, it is so important to understand and express your emotions and needs and do this in a manner that is respectful to the interlocutor, without reproaches or insults. It is important to be able to express how painful or unpleasant this or that treatment was, to be able to explain why this is so, what meanings are behind certain actions (emphasizing your unimportance, lack of love, value).
Another important skill that is often lacking in working with resentment is the ability to recognize an unmet need that lies much deeper than the resentment. People can hang around for a long time and passionately in experiencing their resentment and savoring injustice, but it is much more difficult to admit that in fact they want to receive attention, affection, and recognition from the offender.
To do this, you need to admit to yourself that this person is very important to you and you need something from him. This is no longer a position of strength, but a position of request and vulnerability. Admitting that you need something can sometimes be inexpressibly difficult, but without this it is impossible to get what you want and achieve a harmonious state.
If the situation of resentment has been discussed, needs have been expressed, requests have been formulated, tears have been cried and some kind of response has been received from the other side, then forgiveness comes by itself, because a sincere person does not seek to remain in a state of resentment for a long time.
If a woman knows for sure that being with this man is her decision, she strives to do the work associated with emotional unloading as quickly as possible. She knows how to see: the good that exists in a relationship is immeasurably greater than the negativity associated with resentment.
It’s another matter when a woman sees a man as a convenient provider of resources for the implementation of her family project. Then any attempt by a man to be distracted by personal interests not related to the family will be mercilessly punished by resentment, which in this case is nothing more than controlling the behavior of another person. Such a woman will not strive to free herself from resentment, because otherwise she will lose her only leverage over her husband.
Who should change: the offender or the offended?
Let's consider the situation: a couple quarreled. Big, with a scandal. Everyone feels like a victim. The woman thinks: “He’s a man, let him apologize first. After all, I was right.”
The man thinks: “How much is possible? I always give in to her, let her realize her mistakes.” Nobody wants to make contact; a local cold war is unfolding in the house.
What happens? Everyone thinks he is right. As a result, the man cannot stand the “silence”, packs his things and goes to spend the night with friends, and the woman is left in tears to experience a new family tragedy.
Only the two of you can build a normal relationship. Even if you consider yourself a superwoman, it is impossible to hold a collapsing marriage on your shoulders alone. Therefore, the most important thing is to find a compromise, a middle ground.
- If you give in all the time, this is the position of a victim . You don't tell him, “Stop. I feel hurt, offended, unpleasant. Please change your attitude towards me.” You simply endure silently and the accumulated negative energy periodically results in major quarrels.
- If a man often makes concessions, this is pure manipulation . Let's assume he told something harsh but true. And what does he see? Shaking lips, eyes full of tears, hands folded in a prayer gesture. The man feels guilty and gradually begins to hate you and himself for it.
- Nobody wants to be the first to make peace . Stalemate situation. Both of you are in the waiting mode “what if it resolves itself.” Relationships are a constant series of compromises, and you just bump heads and check whose is stronger.
The “give-receive” balance is disrupted and a claim arises as an overcorrection. With her reproaches and claims, the woman seems to be billing the man: “I gave you everything I could. But you don’t appreciate it.”
She acutely senses injustice: she spent all her energy and received nothing in return.
Constantly ignoring one’s needs, desires, needs gives rise to claims, irritation, and hatred (including towards oneself for the inability to say “no”).
That is why both partners must take part in reviving the relationship. Otherwise, it will again be a one-goal game.
The importance of first experience
For anal people, there is always a fixation on the first experience, through which they perceive the world. We experience our very first interactions with people in childhood through relationships with our parents. It is from there that the first grievances begin, and then the grievance can be transferred to other people, entire groups, to the world as a whole, or to oneself.
If in childhood the mother did not value the obedience of children with an anal vector, she hurried, not understanding that haste is stressful for them, did not allow them to finish what they started, did not praise them for good deeds, then even then their inner square of the psyche is skewed, creating the precondition for states of resentment.
