Respect because I am a mother! How to be a parent your child respects

When a couple has a baby, parents often imagine what a wonderful relationship they will have in the future. But, unfortunately, it often happens that a grown child treats his parents with disrespect. Why is this happening? After all, mom and dad want the best for their son or daughter, try to make their life easy and comfortable, give their last, sacrificing personal time and their own desires.

Psychologists believe that parents who have made serious mistakes since the baby’s birth are to blame for the disrespectful attitude.

What is respect

We intuitively feel the difference between love and respect, although it can be difficult to explain. Respect is a very important component of any close relationship. For a relationship to be kind, comfortable and “nourishing”, it should be about half love and respect, psychologists say. And this applies 100% to parent-child connections.

Love is a deep feeling of sympathy and affection. We can say that love is born in the heart, and we can hardly control it - on the contrary, it often guides us.

Respect is a special attitude towards another person: we see him as a separate valuable being, endowed with dignity and freedom. Respect lives, rather, in the mind; justice, adherence to rules and boundaries, and attention to the interests of another person are important to it. This is also a very deep and ancient feeling, it is characteristic even of animals, just like love.

If there is a lot of love and little respect in a relationship, we treat a person like a toy, we try to appropriate him and control him: we can squeeze him, interrupt his activities without asking, and do not attach importance to his requests and desires.

If, on the contrary, there is a lot of respect and little love, the soul leaves such relationships, they become dry and formal.

How does love arise between parents and children?

It is believed that parent-child love is unconditional. That it is born at the moment the child is born and continues throughout life.

If we talk about the norm, for the first time after birth the child is constantly close to his parents, especially his mother. She satisfies his needs: feeds him, hugs him, helps him fall asleep, washes him, calms him down. A secure attachment is formed: the child reaches out to his mother and shows love.

But the appearance and retention of love largely depends on the parents.

What does “my child doesn’t respect me” mean?

Often in relationships with children, we feel their love and affection well, we feel that children need us. But we see no respect for ourselves. What does this mean?

“Children ignore our requests; they need to be called to the table ten times or reminded about their lessons.”

“They can “violate the territory” without asking: take our things, log into our account on the computer, lie on our bed.

“They are rude, they talk to us in a familiar way, as if they were friends, they can make fun of us, tease us.

— During conflicts, children yell and scream, slam the door, insult and do not plan to apologize.

That is, if a child does not respect a parent, he does not see in him that same separate valuable being with merits and personal interests. Sometimes this happens due to shortcomings in upbringing - say, mom and dad set a bad example of communication within the family. And sometimes this means that the child is truly deeply disappointed in his parents and sees no reason to respect them.

Characteristic manifestations

The fact that a child does not respect his father or mother can be manifested by various behavioral features:

• refuses to do housework;
• deliberately stains everything;
• steals money;
• invites friends to the house and even throws parties when no adults are present;
• uses profanity when communicating with parents, insults them;
• takes cosmetics and clothes of parents without permission;
• extorts money;
• idle, does not want to do anything;
• does not care for a pet, if any;
• interferes in the personal life of his father and mother.

If you are familiar with such manifestations, then you need to understand that a certain share of the blame lies on your shoulders.

How bad habits destroy respect

The easiest way to restore a respectful relationship with your children is to conduct a check-up of your family habits. Maybe there is such a style of communication in the house that children automatically reproduce the worst behavior of adults: they yell because they are in a bad mood, they look for someone to blame instead of solving the problem, and they can casually say over tea: “Are you completely stupid?”

Check to see if there are items on this list that describe your family's habits.

— Emotional instability: one of the parents may easily explode, act out drama, or walk around sullenly, ignoring family members. Mutual respect requires a stable and predictable environment.

— Inconsistency: parents set rules, immediately change or break them, promise and do not fulfill, argue with each other on the same issues.

- Rudeness with loved ones: parents insult each other in front of or behind the scenes, loudly sort things out, do not know how to solve problems without shifting responsibility and “I told you so.”

— Inability to admit when they are wrong and apologize: As children grow older, they become more and more aware of their parents’ shortcomings and see where they are wrong. Without admitting their own mistakes, parents reduce their self-confidence.

— Hypocrisy: for example, parents prohibit something, but they themselves violate this prohibition.

— Dry rules: in relationships with a child there is little feeling, trust and openness, but there are formal rules that must be followed without taking into account the situation and condition.

— There are too many prohibitions: the child is answered “no” to any requests, they do not listen to his opinion, they are driven into too strict limits.

- Comparing the child with other children: the child is told that he is not as good as “the son of his mother’s friend”, they force him to imitate someone.

- The child does not have the right to vote: they do not listen to their son or daughter, they do not attach importance to his desires.

— Demand for respect: no matter how sad it is, the call to respect an adult simply because “I am your mother” or “I feed you, clothe you and pay for your iPhones” does not work. Rather, such a demand will only cause resistance. At the same time, you can definitely respect yourself for raising a child and doing a lot for him!

If you find “your” items on this list, don’t be discouraged. Think of it as a quest or a life challenge to improve your behavior within your family. The results will benefit both you and your children for many years to come. After all, if adults behave respectfully, then the child will copy them.

Parents show how perfect they are

Very often, adults want to show how perfect and ideal they are, and they do this by uttering phrases like: “But I’m your age...” Such remarks only cause irritation and rejection in teenagers. And when a child is small, a picture of an ideal world is created in his head, in which he seems to be wrong, because he makes mistakes, sometimes he does something wrong. Therefore, parents need to honestly share their experience: “This happened to me too, it was terrible.” This way you will be able to establish contact with the child.

How to gain the respect of a child: aerobatics

A child's development and learning is based almost entirely on imitation. Remember that boring saying: “Repetition is the mother of learning”? — it’s about imitation and copying behavior, and not about the number of repetitions for the sake of memorization. We have already said that in a family with “respectful” habits, children will also behave decently. But that is not all.

Perhaps the main secret is that the child feels very well whether his parents are happy or not. Are you satisfied with yourself, are you making interesting plans, do you have the energy to live? And if this is not the case, he partially turns off the imitation and looks for other examples. And respect turns off too. This is an evolutionary mechanism that allows us to improve our lives. Of course, a lot depends on the characteristics of the child’s psyche - his confidence or anxiety, but in general this is true.

Therefore, if mom or dad “work like hell,” “barely crawl to the pillow,” and are simply tired of life, then they are unlikely to receive respect from their children. Perhaps it will be sympathy or pity, perhaps neglect. But not respect.

A person who is passionate, happy with life, and has his own interests and goals always evokes respect and a desire to imitate. He has confidence, magnetism, and you want to appreciate him. It is pleasant to communicate with him and exchange emotions; he is interesting in himself.

Therefore, we will have to repeat another familiar rule: “Educate yourself, and your children will catch up.” It’s not always easy: many families live in difficult conditions, and only have enough energy for the most important things - work, everyday life, school, helping loved ones.

But we must look for a way out. Try to make life more interesting and happier, become smarter, wiser, work on yourself, become a lively and energetic person. We do this not only for ourselves, but also for the children. And this is the best way to become a parent that your child respects.

Disrespect for parents is disgusting. It is unacceptable for conscientious, God-fearing, pious people who follow the path of truth. No one is so far from good as one who shows disrespect to his parents. He is the closest to punishment. Evil befalls him earlier than anyone else.

Disrespect for parents can be expressed in various forms and actions. We will present the most frequent and widespread acts, each of which is a crime against parents.

1. Bringing parents to tears and sadness with your words, actions or in any other way.

2. Yelling at them. That is, addressing them in a raised voice or using rude words. The Almighty said (meaning): “Do not shout at them and address them with respect” (Quran, 17:23).

3. Expressing your irritation and disgust. Many people, having received an assignment from their parents, utter exclamations of annoyance such as “eh” and “oh” before carrying out it. The Almighty said: “...and do not say to them: “Oof!”” (Quran, 17:23).

4. Frowning and sullenness in their presence. Some people can be seen happy and smiling when they are present in a public place. There they demonstrate good character and choose the nicest words. However, when they come home and sit next to their parents, they turn into angry lions, not paying attention to anything. Their condition changes: softness and condescension disappear, and they are replaced by severity, callousness and rudeness.

5. An unkind glance in their direction. By looking at parents with disdain or raising his head, a person commits a sin. Mu'awiyah ibn Ishaq said: "The one who looked askance at him did not show respect to his parent."

6. Commanding parents. As, for example, when someone tells his mother to sweep the house or wash clothes or cook food. It is especially unacceptable to allow this to happen to an old, weak or sick mother.

If the mother does all these things voluntarily, if she herself likes to do this and at the same time she has energy and is not subject to weakness, then there will be nothing wrong with it. However, you definitely need to thank her and pray for her.

7. Dissatisfaction with the food that the mother prepared. By allowing this, a person commits two sins. The first is blaming food, which is not allowed. The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) never criticized food. If he liked the food, he ate it; if he didn’t like it, he didn’t eat it. The second sin is upsetting the mother.

8. Failure to provide assistance to the mother in housework: cleaning the house, preparing food, etc.

Some sons (may Allah guide them!) feel that by helping their mother around the house, they are harming their manhood. Moreover, there are also daughters (may Allah correct them!) who can watch their mother work around the house, and at the same time do not provide her with any help. They can talk on the phone for a long time with their friends, leaving their mother without help, thereby causing her a double insult.

9. Looking away from them when they speak. This also includes: inattention to parents, interrupting them, challenging their words, rudely objecting to them and bickering. Such actions greatly diminish the status of parents in their own eyes.

10. Rejection of their opinion. Some people do not consult with their parents, do not ask their permission in any matter, even when they decide to get married, divorce, or change their place of residence.

11. Entering them without asking permission. Perhaps the parent is in a state in which he would not like to appear in front of someone.

12. Creating problems in their presence. These could be scandals and quarrels with brothers, with a spouse, with children, or with someone else.

13. Blaming parents publicly and mentioning their shortcomings.

14. Swearing and cursing at parents. This is a sin, even if a person becomes only the cause of this. For example: if he insults someone's parents, and their children begin to insult his parents in retaliation. It is reported from the words of 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr (may Allah be pleased with him!) that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “One of the grave sins is reproaching one’s parents.” They said to him: “Is it really possible for a person to insult his parents?” He replied: “Yes. When he scolds another person's father, and the other person scolds his father in return. Or when he scolds the mother of another, and he scolds his mother in return” ( al-Bukhari and Muslim ).

15. Keeping bad and harmful things in the house. For example, when a person brings into the house objects intended for vicious entertainment, which leads to the degradation of his personality, as well as the degradation of his brothers and the rest of the household. The moral decay of children and families is undoubtedly grief and misfortune for parents.

16. Committing bad deeds in front of parents. For example, smoking in the presence of parents; listening to music; missing obligatory prayer due to sleep; refusal to wake up when they do; inviting bad friends to your home. All this is evidence of stubborn disrespect for parents.

17. Damaging the reputation of parents. By committing bad and base acts with which a person stains his honor, he deprives himself of decency, brings shame on himself and can even bring himself to prison. His criminal acts undoubtedly cause them grief, sadness, humiliation and shame.

18. Burden of parents. As in the case of someone who does not pay off his debts, or drives a car roughly, or behaves badly at school or university, causing his parents to be bothered.

19. Long absence from home. This act makes parents worry and fear for their child. In addition, they may need help, and during his absence they will not find someone who would help them.

20. Burdening them with numerous requests. There are people who burden their parents with many demands, even if the parents have limited funds. You can see how a son pesters his parents, demanding to buy him a car or marry him, or give him a new home, or begs them for a lot of money in order to spend time with his friends and peers.

21. Preference for wife over parents. Some people listen to their wives first rather than their parents. If a wife demands from such a husband that he kicks out his parents, then he will kick them out, even if his parents have nowhere to live. One can notice how some sons excessively demonstrate their love for their wife to their parents and at the same time show rudeness towards their parents and do not respect their rights.

22. Distance from them when they reach old age or are in need. Some children, having become adults and having acquired a profession that provides them with sufficient income, become alienated from their parents and focus only on themselves.

23. Detachment from them, reluctance to mention them and count oneself among them. This is one of the most disgusting forms of disrespect for parents. Some children, having reached a certain social status or taken a high position, renounce their parents and are even ashamed that their parents, who have an unsightly appearance, live in the same house with them. Some, ashamed of their parents, do not allow their names to be mentioned at weddings and events. By doing this, a person undoubtedly proves his baseness, stupidity, insignificance and heartlessness. A generous and self-respecting person is proud of his roots and origins. A noble man never forgets the kindness shown to him.

24. Beating parents. Such an act can only be committed by a nasty and heartless person, devoid of a sense of mercy and shame. He has no decency, no dignity, no valor.

25. Placement of parents in nursing homes. This act is the ultimate in disgust and meanness. It is so terrible that your body is covered with goosebumps and your hair stands on end. Whoever committed this crime has no good at all.

26. Termination of relations with parents because they commit sins, as well as failure to show kindness to them because of this and failure to admonish them. This is a mistake and absurdity. Respect for parents is mandatory, even if they are non-believers, not to mention if they are Muslims and simply commit some sins.

27. Greed and excessive saving in relation to them. There are people who skimp on the needs of their parents and avoid spending on them in every possible way. It even happens that parents are in need, but the children do not attach any importance to this and do nothing.

28. Reproaching parents for their good deeds. It happens that a person behaves well with his parents, but later he himself destroys his virtue, allowing himself to reproach his parents, reminding them of his good deeds towards them.

29. Stealing from parents. There are two crimes in this act: theft and disrespect for parents.

One of the ways of stealing is treachery towards parents. Like, for example, when someone borrows from his parents and does not intend to repay the debt in advance.

30. Moaning and expressing your suffering in their presence. This is one of the most hidden forms of disrespect for parents. Parents, especially the mother, feel anxious about their child’s troubles, feel his pain, and perhaps even more than he does.

31. Emigration away from parents without their permission and unless absolutely necessary.

Some sons do not understand the consequences of living away from their parents. They seek to leave the country and move away from their parents without their permission and unnecessarily. They may, for example, go to another city to get an education, whereas the same education can be obtained in the city where his parents live. Some people leave for no reason at all. They do not understand that because of their distance, the hearts of their parents are filled with sorrow and longing. But it may happen that one of his parents dies while he is away from them without permission. In this case, he will not be able to fulfill his duty towards his parents. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with going on a long trip if there is a need and parental permission.

32. The desire for their speedy death. Some children wish their parents would die quickly, in order to receive their inheritance if the parents are rich, or to get rid of them if they are poor and sick, or to be saved from their control and supervision and be able to continue living in sin and ignorance.

May Allah help us to avoid all of the above and be grateful to our parents.

(This article is based on the work of Sheikh Muhammad al-Hamad .)

What prevents a child from loving his parents?

Inconsistent reactions

For example, when the mother does not come to the child’s cry every time or often screams in response. When she can caress you today and hit you tomorrow. In such a situation, the child does not feel safe. He may act distant or display his feelings inconsistently. Is it easy to love an abrasive or emotionally unavailable parent? Most often not.

Lack of attention

For example, a child is “handed over” to his grandparents. Can a child fall in love with someone who does not spend time with him, whom he does not know at all? This is unlikely because love comes from recognition. But it’s quite possible to continue dreaming about this love, waiting and inventing it. Then it will be love not for a real person, but for a fantasy of parental love and a parent.

Physical and emotional abuse

Can a child continue to love someone who, year after year, destroys you and makes you experience unimaginable pain? Can a child even know how to love if he has not been loved? It's very hard.