Peculiarities of male jealousy: why does a husband ask his wife... to cheat?

The thought of sharing your partner with another person is unfathomable to most of us. But for some couples, this is what keeps them together. And although there is a persistent stereotype that men are owners, there are cases when a husband likes his wife’s infidelity and he himself pushes her to do it.

This is Love

The inclination of a sexual partner to commit adultery is usually called the syndrome of provoked infidelity. It is believed that the provocateur experiences sexual arousal by fantasizing about this topic or listening to a partner’s detailed “report” from the scene of the event. People with such unusual behavior are most often middle-aged men. As a rule, they begin to push their spouse to cheat after 5-10 years of marriage. At first, barely noticeable timid hints appear, which can then develop into direct persuasion and even demands to make love with another man. Not only does the woman have to do this, she also has to account for it.

Confused wives don't know what to think. Some especially loving and faithful people even begin to compose non-existent stories and notice that, after listening to their tales, their loved one noticeably becomes more cheerful. But as soon as “Scheherazade”, tired of pretense, admits to deception, she will inevitably face the wrath of her husband, or even excommunication from the marital bed.

You might think that he is indifferent to his wife and uses her only as an impersonal sexual object, but this is not so. On the contrary, he vitally needs this woman, and he is terrified of losing her. (Men in general, more than women, tend to treat a loved one as their property and an extension of themselves, which is why unhealthy jealousy is more often observed among them.) The fear of a breakup for such a person is so painful that he, voluntarily or unwittingly, forces his wife to do what he wants. what he is afraid of - simply in order to relieve unbearable tension. We must give him his due; he uses a fairly competent psychotherapeutic technique - repeated replaying of a frightening situation. It is known that there is nothing heavier than the fear of waiting, and when “the worst” has already happened, you can relax a little. Hence the sexual inspiration: a man is aroused not by the fact of his wife’s betrayal, but by the joy of “feeling better.” Now it is clear what wives who persist in their fidelity are depriving provocateur husbands. Although these husbands themselves are usually impeccable, it is in vain that some suspect them of trying to “balance” their own infidelity.

Classic cheaters do not allow their wives anything “like that”, and provocations are carried out by those who for some reason themselves cannot or do not want to cheat.

Rules of open relationships

Contrary to popular opinion, if the husband wanted his wife to cheat on him. This does not mean debauchery and debauchery. In an open relationship there are a number of specific rules and requirements:

• clearly understand why you are doing this;
• take into account the interests of your partner;
• each partner has the right to choose;
• you need to be able to cope with jealousy;
• it is necessary to protect yourself;
• intimate meetings should take place on neutral territory;
• you need to remember that you or your partner may fall in love with another person;
• you can set rules and dictate terms;
• always talk about what you like or don’t like;
• You can always cancel all the rules.

The most important thing is that both you and your partner should be comfortable in such a relationship. You must be frank with each other. If you cheated at your husband's request, but you didn't like it, admit it. Also, do not take your husband’s requests with hostility as deviant behavior. You should be pleased that your husband trusts you and speaks honestly about his sexual fantasies.

The rest is all up to you. The decision, whatever it may be, is made in the family by both spouses. This is just your relationship, which you can build according to any scenario.

Complexes are to blame

We can say that the syndrome of provoked betrayal is a type of psychological masochism, but this masochism is of a secondary nature. It is based on a deep inferiority complex and excessive self-doubt. This applies to all pathological jealous people in general and to provocateurs of betrayal in particular. (An independent and self-confident person is self-sufficient and certainly does not need to imagine being deceived or savoring his experiences if this actually happened.) However, it is interesting that psychological problems usually do not affect sexual function, no matter what complexes the jealous person did not suffer. Moreover, his sexual talents may be much higher than those of his rivals, but for some reason this does not add confidence to him.

Should we forgive a woman's infidelity?

This question arises among men who love their wife, but are tormented by the fact of betrayal. It is difficult to find a single answer for every situation. But let's consider it from the point of view of the psychological state of a man.

The husband is confused, embittered, depressed. If the infidelity is forgotten and the family tries to return to their usual way of life, it is unlikely that everything will be the same as before. Forgiveness for betrayal is difficult to achieve. In most cases, a man who has forgiven his wife becomes weak and pliable in the woman’s eyes. Such men are not respected, they wipe their feet on them and continue to cheat on them.

Thus, to the question of whether it is worth forgiving, the answer is unequivocal - it is impossible. Why to preserve your inner peace and dignity.

Jealous with and without ideas

Forms of jealousy can be very diverse - from mild to delusional. In general, jealous husbands can be divided into three types, between which, however, it is not always possible to draw a clear line:

• an ordinary jealous person (a normal person with a jealous character);
• a jealous person with overvalued ideas of jealousy (no longer quite normal);
• crazy jealous person (a person suffering from delusions of jealousy).

Ordinary jealous people, as a rule, are not jealous enough to demand infidelity from their wife - they would rather “keep” their soulmate and not let them go. With age, these people sometimes calm down. Provocateurs belong to either the second or third type. The difference between representatives of these species is that a jealous person who has gone far in his jealousy, but is not crazy, still somehow has his suspicions consistent with reality, while a crazy person does not. If a half-crazy person can still be convinced of something, at least temporarily, then in the case of delusions of jealousy, the confidence in the partner’s infidelity is so unshakable that any oaths only fuel it. Then we are dealing with an unpredictable maniac (the bulk of the so-called jealousy murders are committed by jealous people of this particular type).

The truth about open marriages

For some people, this form of relationship is wild, although views in society are becoming more and more free. But not in Russia, we are more conservative when compared with the residents of America and Europe. In fact, we perceive open marriages stereotypically, believing myths:

1. They don't take their marriage seriously. In fact, most of these couples are ideally strong families.
2. They don't care about their partner's feelings. Another myth. Spouses in such a marriage, first of all, take care of each other’s interests.
3. Open relationships only involve selfish and immature people. As already mentioned, both mature families and successful people resort to such relationships.
4. They're just a bunch of wild sex addicts. In ordinary life, these are the same people: family men, parents, workers.

As you can see, people who are completely different in status, education, and type of activity come into such relationships. Everyone has their own reason why they are willing to share sex with their partner.

What to be afraid of?

Fortunately, among jealous husbands there are much more often people who are simply very complex than crazy people. But since the disease can develop gradually, it’s a good idea to know what in a person’s behavior should alert you. So, here are the danger signs:

• any verbal threats (“I’ll kill you!”, etc.);
• any violence in any form;
• weapons preparation;
• building life scenarios based on examples from fiction.

All this speaks of mental illness. Such a person is not to be joked with. There’s no way you can please him, don’t change him. He can personally arrange a date for you with someone else, and then burst into the room shouting “Gotcha!” and with an ax in his hand.

If it hasn’t reached the point of delirium yet, but jealousy is developing more and more, this is a signal to urgently contact a specialist.

What to do?

If (God forbid!) you realize that there is a dangerous madman next to you, run without looking back. (True, it’s somehow hard to believe that a spouse who was normal during all the previous years of their marriage could turn into a madman.)

If one fine day your beloved husband stuns you with the question “Would you like to try with someone else?”, you should not be afraid. Why not talk about this? In general, it is better to approach the topic of betrayal with irony. Respect for the freedom of another and a willingness to understand and forgive if something happens is a sign of the health and maturity of a marital relationship. After your husband’s urgent request to cheat on him with someone else, you can express your feelings directly and frankly, emphasizing that you yourself don’t want this (if you don’t want to), but are ready to do it for his sake if he asks you about it in writing - so that later what to refer to. This kind of disarming directness can work. But if you feel a serious problem here, it is better to consult a specialist, because such a situation threatens the marriage much more than the impotence of the husband or the lack of orgasm in the wife.

Husband wants to watch his wife have sex with someone else

Sexologists and family psychologists argue that sexual freedom can open up in any couple. It doesn't have to be sex or cheating. It all starts with innocently posing for her husband for intimate photos, filming marital sex for home video. Then the husband invites his wife to cheat, then he wants to see her have sex with her lover, then he wants to participate in this sex. According to men, they like to watch a woman in sex because she is beautiful or looks like a porn actress.

In scientific psychology, this phenomenon is called voyeurism or visionism and is considered a sexual deviation. But today, quite a large number of couples recognize sexual freedom in relationships, and the day is not far off when this will become the norm.

By the way

Heart attack from jealousy

To study the reaction of higher animals to a partner’s betrayal, scientists conducted a rather cruel experiment on monkeys. The male was taken away from his female and placed in the next cage with another male. The first was forced to watch as his girlfriend shamelessly frolicked with the other before his eyes. The situation caused him such strong feelings that the poor man ended in baldness and a heart attack. In people, by the way, heart problems also often arise precisely because of jealousy. The same men who, out of excessive fear, provoke betrayal or constantly expect it, are thus, as it were, protected from a heart attack.

Personal opinion

Aziza

– Based on my own experience, I can say that if I happened to cheat on a person with whom I lived in a civil marriage, and I understood that it was just a whim, a whim, my own weakness, then I felt bad after that. Women by nature tend to worry about this. Although there are also cats among them that walk on their own and don’t care about it. But women who become attached to a person sooner or later come to the conclusion that betrayal is betrayal, destruction of oneself. Such a woman looks worse, ages faster, and her family has problem after problem. I understand male nature less well. It seems to me that men, no matter how much they lament the betrayal that happened, as soon as the corresponding object appears, they are inclined to repeat it. But now, in my opinion, everyone is so busy solving their problems and making money that no one has the time or desire to do this anymore.

Feelings, appearance, mood

A wife who cheats changes in her appearance, feelings and mood. She no longer says the words “I love” to her husband. By and large, she may not pay any attention to him at all. And if the husband takes the initiative to spend time with her or confesses his love to her, then she will react to this in silence or very dryly.

However, there are ladies who try to make up for their adventures by stopping arguing with their husbands. This is very suspicious if your wife has not previously allowed herself not to express her opinion.

Pay attention to the woman's mood. It may also have changed recently (that is, since she started dating her lover). Some women become thoughtful, silent, immersed in their thoughts, while others seem to float with happiness, although nothing preceded this state, according to your opinion.

Don't forget that falling in love makes a woman become more beautiful. When she fell in love with you, she tried to look beautiful, put on makeup, put on beautiful outfits, etc. If this has not been observed in the wife for a long time, it means that she does not burden herself with jewelry for the sake of her husband. However, start thinking about what happened if your wife recently started wearing makeup again, dressing nicely, updating her wardrobe, starting going to the gym, or going on a diet. If nothing has changed in your relationship, she may not be trying for you.

A woman’s interests may also change. What she previously considered uninteresting and unattractive may suddenly interest her. Why did it happen?

Pay attention to 10 more of these signs:

1. The wife stopped spending time with her husband. She stopped being interested in family problems altogether.
2. Compares her husband with other men. Often the wife names specific people whom she admires. Perhaps her lover is among them.
3. The wife began to visit guests and friends more often, something she had never noticed before.
4. She became indifferent to her husband: she stopped nagging him and asking him for something. If before the wife was often offended by her husband, then after the appearance of her lover she may completely stop relating to him in any way.
5. Often does not answer phone calls, citing the fact that it is disconnected or the phone is faulty.
6. Chat with your friend, especially if she is a little jealous of your wife.
7. Avoids direct gaze. Typically, women who cheat stop making eye contact with their husbands.
8. I started taking frequent courses and trainings that I had previously neglected.
9. Offers to spend time together are met with refusal or reluctance from the wife.
10. Sex disappeared altogether or became torture.