Some children seem to be created only to torment their parents with their stubbornness. But is stubbornness always a negative trait? After all, for a child this can be a way to demonstrate his desire to think for himself and defend his beliefs. In addition, such children have a better developed ability to concentrate, and this improves the quality of their learning. And if your stubborn child decides to learn how something works or how to assemble a construction set, he will be very single-minded in his desire and will fight for his idea. When does stubbornness become a problem?
Of course, it is good to encourage a child’s independence and independence, the ability to defend his opinion, but this should not have negative consequences and turn the child into a little monster who will never budge.
Stubbornness begins to develop into a problem if:
- the child constantly argues with you or you have disagreements with him over every little thing;
- the child does not want to listen to someone else’s point of view;
- the child has problems in kindergarten or school related to his relationships in a group or class;
- Situations arise when stubbornness can jeopardize the child's safety (for example, he refuses to hold your hand when crossing the street).
How should parents of a stubborn person behave?
If you are raising such a child, you know that simple methods of influence often do not work. In many cases, raising a stubborn child is a balancing act, where you try to teach him how to maintain his independence without him thinking he rules the world. In other words, as a parent, you must help your child maintain his strong personality traits without allowing those traits to interfere with his successful development.
First of all, you must recognize that your child's stubbornness is part of his nature. You shouldn't try to change this. On the contrary, you need to accept his personality and find ways to use this quality in your interests and in the interests of the child. It is important to accept the child for who he is, and not try to win, suppress stubbornness, because this simply will not work.
Of course, such children want to be in power, to control, to be leaders. But the leader is you. You are the parent. There is no need to engage in a power struggle. When you try to show your child that you are stronger, in reality you are only getting on their level, and this does not teach them anything. Besides, the one with the bigger fist wins and is right. Instead of resorting to the usual verbal struggle, it doesn’t matter - screaming or requests, begging, and even more so - physical punishment, start acting like a cunning parent. This means - start interacting with your child using indirect methods.
Sensitivity, capriciousness and stubbornness are observed with:
- bad mood;
- insufficient sleep;
- hunger;
- fatigue.
Stubbornness will be observed until the child satisfies his physical needs. With unmotivated prohibitions, where the child does not receive reasoned explanations, stubbornness appears, as well as permissiveness, which arises against the background of a lack of proper attention from parents.
The boy sits cross-legged and thinks
How to determine a child's stubbornness?
In order to determine stubbornness in a child, you need to make a table in which the corresponding entries are made:
| date and time | What did the child do | What happened before this | What happened after that |
| — | — | — | — |
This table will allow you to assess how often stubbornness is observed in your baby. It needs to be carried out for a month. If signs of stubbornness are observed more than 7-10 times, then this quality must be fought.
In the absence of a clear line in the parents' behavior, the child's instability is observed. If the actions of adults are inconsistent and demands are constantly changing, then this becomes the cause of stubbornness.
Little girl and adult woman eating spaghetti
The illusion of choice
Give your stubborn person the illusion of choice.
“You don’t have to change your clothes for the walk, but you must stay here in the hallway with your outdoor clothes.”
“I can’t force you to study, but you have to stay here at the table with your books.”
The child must be given more than just a direct order, he must be given options. Such an intellectual method, when interacting with a stubborn child, will give him, for example, two options that lead to the same goal.
Instead of telling your child that he should wear a jacket because it's cold outside, you can ask him if he wants to wear a jacket with a hood or without a hood.
Change the usual. If disobedience manifests itself at home, try changing the location - reproduce the situation in the park, on the street. It is important that other people see the child during this process. You must always change your strategy if you understand that you cannot convince the child or come to an agreement with him.
If the child persists and does not want to negotiate, provoke him to talk and listen to him. When a stubborn person shares his experiences, he gradually begins to show his feelings of helplessness and show that it is actually difficult for him. After all, your stubborn child is still just a child. And when a child experiences strong negative feelings (anger, helplessness, fear, disappointment), he does not know how to cope with these feelings, he needs to be helped and taught to adequately express his various emotions.
Robert Mackenzie's book about a stubborn child
Robert Mackenzie wrote the book “The Stubborn Child. How to set boundaries of what is permitted.” He believes that the main component of stubbornness is temperament. This opinion is supported by a large number of scientific studies. They show that stubbornness and the strength of the nervous system are closely related. Stubbornness is a kind of innate behavior style. In some cases, it is characterized by soft and invisible forms to others. In some families, stubbornness becomes the cause of tragedy.
McKenzie believes that parents, first of all, should reconsider their parenting style, since most of them provoke similar reactions in children with their behavior.
How often do you say “no”?
Parents tend to overuse the word “no” when talking to their children.
When a parent gets angry and shouts “no!” for every little thing, the child stops listening to him. The screams of the parents fade into the background. To avoid leading yourself to such eccentric states, you need to join your child during the day. For example, through stroking and through words, using positive instead of negative (“you’re doing it so well,” “you assemble the puzzle very cleverly and quickly,” “you drew better than me”). Connecting with your child in this way helps him feel connected to you all the time, and this will make him want to cooperate with you.
Develops the desire for cooperation and playing with “yes”. If your child is stubborn, ask him questions to which he will answer yes several times in a row. “You and I always had so much fun playing with these balls, didn’t we?” ("Yes!"). “Should we take these swimming goggles to the pool next time?” ("Yes!"). “Can this dinosaur swim with us?” ("Yes!"). "Show me how he will do it." Three yeses can help break down your child's resistance, leaving him feeling heard and understood. He will be more interested in showing you the dinosaur than in continuing to be stubborn.
look at me
Keep calm. It is your responsibility as a parent to act responsibly when your child is stubborn. Don't get angry or raise your voice. Yelling will only make this behavior worse for your child. The more persistent you are, the more your child will resist. Act as a role model. Parents must guide their children, you cannot expect your child to behave well if you do not do the same yourself. So don't be surprised if your child sulks and screams to get what he wants if you have always loudly demanded what you want.
"I'm growing!"
Demanding that a child always remain obedient is as pointless as trying to force the wind to never blow. These are adults who already have their own will and established character. The baby is constantly growing.
Stubbornness manifests itself especially strongly during the formation of a growing personality. During these periods, the child’s worldview changes, he begins to perceive himself and his place in the family differently. He needs more freedom, and personal boundaries are “probed” and expanded.
The peak of negativism in young children occurs between the ages of 2.5 and 3.5 years . During this period, the baby’s stubbornness is indeed completely meaningless, from the parents’ point of view. Even calm and obedient children, when experiencing a crisis, can become uncontrollable and behave aggressively. Such births are very difficult for the whole family, but necessary. You can learn about how to survive childhood crises and understand your baby during this period from this article.
Come up with rules
As a parent, you should neither be too soft nor too suppressive. Any extreme will bring unpleasant results. If a child is faced with a constant “no” even without being given the opportunity to choose, he will not develop the ability to make decisions and will not form his own opinion. On the other hand, if a child is rarely guided by the demands of his parents or always implements only his own choices, he will most likely grow up to be an uncontrollable child, and attempts to control him will have no effect. Therefore, there must be rules that will help the child give up his inappropriate desires. If the child persists and harms himself, tell him that, for example, the car won't start or the stroller won't move until he carries his toys or puts on his hat. Something may not work or may suddenly break. The main thing is that all this should prevent the child from doing what he really wants (for example, going to the playground or to the store).
As a parent, you want your child to feel confident, to fit in well in a group environment, and to cope with his responsibilities, but if you constantly tell your child that he is stubborn, disobedient and you are unhappy with him, he will eventually think that there is something wrong with him. that's not true. The German philosopher Kant said that stubbornness has only the form of character, but not its content. Although some children are more stubborn than others, all children exhibit stubbornness and disobedience in their behavior at one time or another. And most parents believe that in such situations they lose control over raising their child, instinctively reacting with anger. They see the child’s behavior as ignoring the parent’s will. However, what is soon discovered? Anger and fighting only make the situation worse. Instead of engaging in power struggles or trying to forcefully suppress your child's stubbornness, you as a parent can channel the child's energy in a way that benefits the child's will and fortitude. For example, Michael Saul Dell, the founder and CEO of Dell, was an extremely stubborn and persistent child as a child, and at the age of 12 he developed a basic life rule for himself: “If you think an idea is good, be sure to try it.” practice." It was because Dell chose his independent path that he was able to earn his fortune and become what he became.
Why are children stubborn?
Stubborn children are often said to have character. This character trait appears when there are problems with social adaptation. The emergence of stubbornness in children is observed when they are trying to subjugate them. If a child refuses to do something, and parents put pressure on him, this leads to increased family conflict.
Important ! If a child often wins victories in certain situations, then over time he can become a domestic dictator.
Stubbornness develops in a child if parents try to teach him new skills and abilities before the required age. If parents allow their child to play in the sandbox and give instructions not to get dirty, this leads to violations.
The neurotic form of stubbornness is the most severe in children. If parents try to overcome stubbornness with their persistence and steadfastness, this leads to serious problems in the form of stuttering and delayed speech development.
The development of stubbornness depends on the type of nervous system of the baby, which is laid down at the genetic level, as well as on the characteristics of upbringing . If innate qualities appear, it is very difficult to overcome them. In this case, it is recommended to adapt to the baby and take into account his characteristics in the upbringing process.
Stubbornness is a response to age-related crises, as well as the attitude of parents. If adults want to completely subjugate a child without leaving him the right to choose, then this becomes the cause of stubbornness. With this method of upbringing, the child cannot fulfill the responsibilities assigned to him. For example, if a child was shown several times how to tie his shoelaces at the age of three and is required to repeat it.
If the baby cannot do this, then the parents perceive his behavior as malicious intent, without taking into account subjective perception and objective reasons. When such a situation arises, parents have one desire - to break the protest using force. This leads to increased stubbornness. The child understands that he must defend his opinion by all means available to him in order to convey to his parents that he is right.
With such relationships, the child subsequently experiences excessive cruelty towards his peers. Cold family relationships traumatize the child’s psyche, so he has no trust in others. In this case, there are two ways of development. In the first of these, the baby learns manipulation and takes the position of dictator in his family. In the second case, there is a loss of activity of the child and his submission to all the demands of parents, adults and peers.
Attention! If submission occurs at school age, then this leads to the development of a crisis, which is accompanied by the destruction of all parental systems and the return to others of all the accumulated destructive energy suppressed since childhood.
Stubbornness can occur as part of the normal development process. For example, if at the age of five a child becomes aware of his independence and individuality, then he will do everything in defiance of adults. At this age, the concept of one’s desires and needs comes, the satisfaction of which makes sense, which leads to the formation of personality. When obstacles arise, stubbornness increases.
With various changes in a child's life, stubbornness often appears. This is observed when changing place of residence, daily routine, meeting new people, etc. This happens in the form of an adaptation mechanism. If the child returns to his familiar environment, then stubbornness disappears.
A little girl in a red jacket, in pigtails, stands and grimaces
