What to do if a guy doesn't want a relationship

“You can’t be nice by force” is a well-known proverb that speaks of the impossibility of forcing a person to love someone and treat them with respect without any reason. In this article we will look at the rules of behavior in situations when a guy does not want a relationship. Let's get acquainted with the advice of psychologists to help find a rational way out of this situation.

Preamble

You've met a great person, you find him attractive, you can talk to him for hours, but there's one "little problem": the guy doesn't want a relationship right now.

Flip through any women's magazine or ask the first girl you meet to see that there are men who are often afraid or unwilling to enter into romantic relationships. This is the classic type of guy when they don’t allow you to leave your hairdryer and toothbrush at home, they don’t call you their girlfriend, but only modestly say “girlfriend” when in common company.

When a woman faces such a situation, what should she do? Should you play games to make him jealous and realize how good you are? Should I be patient or not be ashamed of my emotions that overwhelm me from within? What to do if a guy doesn't want a relationship?

Comfort zone

Of course, everyone needs to feel safe. The comfort zone is that safe space in which nothing can destroy confidence and calm. It directly depends on what they have experienced, and sometimes some are forced into it - they refuse the very thought of love adventures. Fear binds you into frames and boundaries, creating an impenetrable wall around you - that same zone. It is she who prevents you from moving forward, keeping you in place. And in order to go beyond its limits, it is worth breaking down your boundaries - and throwing away the fear of the unknown.

Who started this game

Men never hide the fact that they really like to pursue a woman. This whole race excites them and further inflames their interest in a person of the opposite sex, because it is exciting. This can be compared to how girls receive satisfaction from a bouquet of flowers or wishes for sweet dreams before going to bed.

In other words, the chase gives a man that feeling of euphoria and “butterflies in the stomach” that subsequently makes him think, “Hey, I really see myself with her in the future!”

If a guy doesn’t want a relationship, but wants to communicate, then this is a reason to think about it. Ask yourself if he shows signs of attention and is present in your life? At first glance, playing catch-up may seem difficult and tedious, but it’s not all bad. It’s enough to give yourself time and stop reacting to his every message with lightning speed.

Be friends if that's what he wants. Trust me, it's better than appearing too impatient or desperate just for the sake of a relationship. Continue the chase, play these games with him, drive him crazy, and after a while you will notice how the man himself begins to take his first serious steps.

Too high demands3

The future soulmate should be no older than 30 years old, have received several higher educations, have their own apartment overlooking the sea and drive an expensive foreign car? Maybe it’s not possible to build relationships because people who meet the desired high standards simply don’t exist at the applicant’s level?

When setting high standards for potential partners, it is worth thinking about the other side of the issue. What can the applicant’s side give? Nothing like this? Then, it’s worth moderating the list of requirements, or meeting them.

Attention and respect must be earned

The main mistake of all people is that they too quickly transfer all the power to new acquaintances. And since men love to conquer women and woo them, it’s not surprising why a guy doesn’t want a relationship. What happens too quickly is not for him, because he has not yet had time to feel the excitement and play enough.

Women are strong, independent, fierce natures in their own right, so you shouldn't always take on the role of these princesses in despair who need a man to accomplish or fix something.

Love goes both ways, so make sure you make a man earn his affection and the privilege of calling you his girlfriend. How to do this even if the guy doesn't want a relationship?

Lead a normal lifestyle, be independent and don’t rush things. Have your own opinion, don’t forget about your dreams and goals, don’t plunge headlong into a man’s world, and then you won’t have to look for the answer to the question of what to do if a guy doesn’t want a relationship.

Character traits

Some people are comfortable alone ; they do not want to adapt to someone by changing their habits and lifestyle. They sometimes say about such individuals: “He won’t be able to get along with anyone.” In reality, he just doesn't want to. A person likes the feeling of freedom, he likes to set his own daily routine. A loner does not want to bend under someone; he believes that this deprives him of many pleasures and freedom of action.

Psychologists assure that a person who does not need anyone and is not afraid to be alone will be happy alone

Be honest with yourself

Let's simulate the situation. A girl meets a charming and attractive guy. He seems unattainable to her, but at the same time beautiful and desirable. And she is not at all embarrassed by the fact that every week he has new girls with whom he goes on dates. Nevertheless, the heroine is so intrigued by this guy that she is ready to overstep all her principles and become one of those with whom they only occasionally spend time, that is, a “casual acquaintance for a week.”

How will events develop if the girl’s wish comes true and she begins to meet the object of her adoration and even spend time with him?

Of course, in a television soap opera, such a story would end with the guy suddenly realizing how important this person is to him and becoming her boyfriend. But in real life everything is different. Most likely, after some time the girl could no longer tolerate such an attitude and honestly admitted this to her boyfriend.

Conclusion. If a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, he probably doesn't. Not all people have the only goal in life - to start a family and have children. Many people prioritize their career, travel, hobbies, and other interests, so there is no point in being offended and angry with such people. “You can’t be nice by force” is a phrase that precisely shows that love, infatuation and interest in the opposite sex are not always mutual.

What is the cause of counterdependence?

Julia Hill

Psychologist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.

If you look at the origins of this behavior, when a partner runs away as soon as the distance between you closes, then we are talking about attachment trauma.

This is a child who was not given enough love in childhood. Why didn't they deliver? Maybe the parents were too busy with themselves, sorting things out, working, were sick or liked to drink. There was no one to support, protect, or help survive unpleasant events. I got the impression that the world is dangerous and unpredictable and, worst of all, parents are also unpredictable people. This means intimacy is dangerous. This is such a childish, but very strong conclusion that leaves an imprint for the rest of your life and forms a behavior pattern.

Growing up, such a person wants warmth and love, but at the same time is afraid of them. Sometimes he cannot even explain why this is so and what is happening to him. This process is unconscious, and often it becomes somatized. For example, a person is going on a date, and then he gets a stomach ache.

More details, please

Let's figure out why a guy doesn't want a serious relationship. Another serious reason is a difficult breakup with the previous half, betrayal, or persistent pain in the soul.

It's no secret that a broken heart can really ruin a person. This is one of the worst feelings in the world, as a result of which a man makes many sacrifices just to avoid experiencing it again.

Before you think about why a guy doesn’t want a relationship, you should find out his past. And there is nothing better than a sincere conversation in a favorable environment. Under no circumstances should a woman judge a man or convince him that she will never hurt him. Until he himself understands that you can be trusted and you are the person with whom he will feel good. Otherwise, the guy won’t take a step towards you.

Avoidance of conversation is often caused by fear, but if you skillfully dig too deep, then there is a chance to discover the very reason why a guy does not want a serious relationship.

Fear and self-doubt

Perhaps a woman or man deliberately refuses a relationship due to their own complexes and fears.

This does not mean that they will remain single for the rest of their lives, it’s just that now is not a good time to build a relationship. First you need to work on yourself. It would be appropriate to visit an experienced psychologist who will help you find the causes of phobias and low self-esteem. Perhaps during the boy’s childhood there was only his father, and his mother abandoned them, running away to another man. In this case, the child may forever remember his mother’s betrayal and not trust women in adulthood.

Fears and complexes as one of the reasons why people avoid relationships

Give an ultimatum

So you meet a man who seems ideal to you in everything: kind, sympathetic, attractive, promising. However, during another small talk, your boyfriend said that he does not want a relationship. After such information, a woman may become depressed, because most girls cannot date or be friends with the opposite sex unless it entails something serious.

Ultimatums are a terrible force, but when a woman puts the question bluntly, she risks losing her chosen one forever. It’s just like in a game of chance, but instead of the cards laid out on the table, it’s your soul and heart. Therefore, if you are sincerely tired of thinking whether guys want a relationship, then it’s time to pull out your trump cards. It is important to remember that you will either be happy with the result or you will be upset. But that's the point, because it's literally a game.

It’s easy to scare a man because you want to impose additional obligations on him in the form of yourself, perhaps your children, problems (mental and financial). Therefore, before you make a knight's move, you need to make sure that a few days before the cherished conversation you have a good relationship, and the guy has many reasons to tell you: “Yes!”

Bad experience in the past

A person who has failed, who is disappointed in the other half and in the relationship as a whole, of course, will not want to suffer again. Letting someone into your life and your heart once again is not easy if they have already been broken once. Why try to waste time and effort if you have to suffer later. Only time and environment can help a person with a broken heart.

Building new relationships will be possible only after old grievances are forgotten

Know when to leave

You did everything you could, and after that there comes a moment when you realize that you did not receive anything from the man in return. Then it's important to realize that it's time to just walk away.

Analyze your relationship. If over a long period of time a guy still refuses to introduce you to his mother as a girlfriend, and in the company of friends you cannot hold hands and tell everyone about what is happening between you, then this is only the man’s inability to admit to himself that you are a couple .

Yes, at the very beginning it will seem that you wasted months, and maybe even years of your life, but at least when you leave, you will know that one day the pain will turn into hope, and along the way you will meet the person you were waiting for your heart.

A person who wants to be with you will do everything to make you feel loved and valued. Then you won’t have to play endless games and test your strength and patience.

You've been working on your relationship for over a year

When two people love each other, the desire to make their union better is absolutely natural. Sometimes this work takes longer than we think. Sometimes relationship coaches advise How to Know When It's Time to Let Go of Someone You Love / Time to see a psychologist, but give yourself a time limit of one year.

Julia Hill

Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

I remembered an old joke: “Darling, can you imagine, what we have taken for an orgasm all our lives turns out to be asthma.” This is about the question of how each partner sees the work on the relationship, how much this vision coincides, and whether new circumstances that the spouses face appear over a given period.

Family therapy can take a year or more if the couple is difficult. For independent work, this period seems overly optimistic.

Darling, let me into your heart!

Another pressing question that haunts many women: “What to do if a guy wants to get back into a relationship?” Whether to forgive a man or not, to start a new romance with him or not is up to you to decide. But first you need to figure out why you broke up:

He was too rude to you. If a guy wants to get back into a relationship, but you are not sure that the person has improved, then it is better to refrain from wanting to get back together and analyze the situation again. It is important to understand that there are no ideal relationships, but there is a line that cannot be crossed. This mistake is made by many women who often experience domestic violence. According to statistics, more than 16 million girls in Russia of different ages face regular assault from their husbands, partners, and other halves.
He cheated on you. You've been betrayed and can't cope with the pain, and now your ex-boyfriend wants your relationship back. Think about it: are you ready to live with a person and never think about the past? There are women who are ready to truly forgive and turn a blind eye to betrayal, but there are those who, even after reuniting with their beloved, spend their whole lives remembering his mistake, organizing scandals and zealous concerts.

The above are two common issues that can make a woman wonder whether she should get back together with her ex or not. Of course, there are thousands of reasons why a woman can break up with a man. This includes a revision of your values, and the realization that feelings have long cooled down, and the understanding that you need to change something in yourself.

It is incredibly important to think carefully and look at the situation from the other side. Do you like living with this person? Do you see your future with him? Are there things that irritate you about your ex? Answer these questions as honestly as possible and project in your head a picture of you and your chosen one in a few years sitting together at the table or raising children together. If the drawing does not cause disgust, but brings warmth, then you definitely need to restore the relationship.

How does a counterdependent person differ from a self-sufficient person?

It may seem that some of the listed symptoms fit well into the normal behavior of a self-sufficient person. Yes, he maintains autonomy, does not give up his interests and affairs, does not allow himself to be controlled, does not dissolve in his partner and does not sacrifice his life for him. The question is, what's wrong with that?

But psychologists believe Signs of Counter‑Dependency that there are still differences between a self-sufficient person and a counter-dependent person:

A self-sufficient person calmly admits that, to one degree or another, he depends on other people, just as they depend on him. This balance is called interdependence and is considered a healthy form of relationships between people, a kind of symbiosis.
He does not experience anxiety or fear when he gets close to other people.
A self-sufficient person fully feels control over himself, his actions, his decisions, his life.
Such people are able to build deep, close relationships, are not afraid to be vulnerable, to trust another person.
They maintain relative independence not because they are afraid of something, but because they want to self-actualize and achieve something (build a career, get an education, run a marathon, learn a foreign language, and so on).

Admit your mistakes

When a guy doesn't want to continue a relationship, there must always be some adequate reason. It is quite natural that he met another girl or simply decided to pursue a career, hobbies, rather than start a family. But don’t panic, because in most cases, why a guy no longer wants a relationship, women are to blame:

Firstly, if a girl puts too much pressure on her partner. As mentioned above, men love to play “cat and mouse” and catch up. They like to seek a woman's attention and win her heart. But what to do when a girl takes all the initiative from the first weeks, answers phone calls with lightning speed, writes messages on her phone and on social networks around the clock, and insists on endless dates? Anyone can get tired of such pressure.
Secondly, it is natural that a guy does not want to renew or continue a relationship when his other half is too impulsive. Constant tears, hysterics, groundless jealousy, pouting lips will not please anyone. If you can't live without drama, then prepare for the worst outcome. Of course, most guys love it when girls are jealous of them or can get offended, but this is more likely to dilute the relationship. Regular scandals, quarrels, reproaches will only lead to a breakup.

Every woman should remember that, first of all, she is a vulnerable and gentle nature. Yes, at the right moments, the strength of spirit manifests itself in order to stand up for yourself and your family, but in most cases you need to be able to get rid of bad habits and slang words in colloquial speech. A man should not live and build relationships with princesses, but it is extremely unpleasant for them when there is a girl in front of them who is unable to show tact, good nature, and patience when necessary.

Imposter Syndrome in Relationships

I often meet people who doubt themselves and devalue themselves when they are looking for a partner to start a family.

Moreover, surprisingly, men, as a rule, have a very high opinion of themselves. But our Russian women (smart, beautiful, able to work hard and earn money) suffer from insecurity and try to improve something in themselves even after they have already been invited on a date!

They, who are practically perfect, have Impostor Syndrome always at its peak. The reason, most likely, lies in our eternal “woe from mind.” The higher the intelligence, the more a person notices - and always sees someone who is better, more beautiful, smarter. This means we need to “catch up and overtake” as quickly as possible!

Signal lights

How to understand that a guy wants a relationship?

Pay attention to the man’s behavior - gestures, spoken phrases, facial expressions.

He pays attention. First, frequent calls and messages for no reason on social networks and instant messengers. Then invitations to walks, small gifts. The thought will probably cross your mind: “This guy wants a relationship with me, it’s obvious” when he starts caring for you. For example, inquire about your health status, support you in difficult times, and drop things just to help you with something.
This doesn't feel like friendship. He looks at you with a languid gaze, without taking his eyes off for 10 seconds or more. Smiles when you do something funny and always tries to touch you, even if it seems like an accident. You can have fun together, have fun, thinking that you are just friends, but pay attention to how much trepidation the guy treats you.
He sacrifices everything for you. Let's give an example: you were talking on the phone in the morning and he casually said that his friends were getting together in the evening, but after a while the guy left them alone and came to see you.
He compliments you. If a guy really likes you as a girl, and he is thinking about a relationship with you, then you shouldn’t be surprised by what you hear. A man can say: you are the perfect girl, you will be the best mother, you are an incredible person, the most beautiful and funniest.

Now let's look at how to start a relationship with your friend. Firstly, don't be afraid to talk to him about this topic. Always pay attention to the behavior and reactions of the person you like. As a rule, such a statement can frighten some men, which always affects gestures, facial expressions and phrases.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to respond to his flirting. If he offers his hand so that you can get out of the car, then put your palm flirtatiously. If a guy cares about your health, then respond in kind, taking an interest in his affairs and helping him cope with difficulties.

Thirdly, do not think that after you officially become a couple, your friendship will come to an end. On the contrary, a good and strong relationship is when a man and a woman know how to be lovers, friends, and colleagues at the right moments.

How to spice up your relationship

Revitalizing a relationship is a great job. It should be carried out only if love really reigns between people. Therefore, recognize in time what it is: fear of entering into a serious relationship or reluctance? If a man avoids spending time with you, has become cold in bed, gets angry, argues and argues for no reason, has become secretive, then, alas, you are dealing with indifference. Then it will be a completely different story.

If the relationship is simply frozen in place, be patient. Patience is the most basic quality that you will need now. You must become wise, which means patient, pliable, sexy, sincere, forgiving, faithful and stable.

The first thing you need to understand is that it is impossible to change an adult man. You can adjust his attitude towards something, but nothing more. Therefore, no reproaches - it hurts his self-esteem. Praise, admire, support. Let him understand that he needs you. You are a ray of light, without which it is still dark for him.

Become emotionally independent of him. You will be sorry, hug, praise, but excuse me, you have to get up early tomorrow and it’s time for you to sleep. How can you do this to him, the center of your universe? Well, that's it, you are a planet on your own. Then the man will want to get closer to you to prevent you from slipping away.

Agree with him more often. Smile playfully and agree. This will introduce a healthy note of interest and puzzlement. Just let it be in adequate situations, otherwise a violent scandal is inevitable.

And of course, always surprise him. Be unpredictable in a positive way: in sex, behavior, reactions, words, gestures. Let him want to get to know you. Being interested in you is the final step towards a serious relationship.

He doesn’t want to, that’s all

If a guy doesn't want a relationship, then this is not a reason to despair. There are many cases when you are not on the same path with this person. There can be an incredible number of reasons why a man does not show signs of attention, does not try to get closer to you. Let's get to know some of them:

You're not his type. It is impossible to please every person on earth. When people get to know each other, they pay attention to the style of clothing, hairstyle, and gait. All facial features, expression, figure, body curves are noticed, marked and filtered. Some of this will appeal, and some will repel. Relationships begin only in cases where at least 90% of things catch on: voice timbre, erudition, external facial and body features.
You are too assertive. It’s bad to impose yourself on someone you don’t know. Imagining a future with the guy you like is wrong. You should meet a man, get to know him as best you can, spend a certain period of time with him, and then make plans for the future. That is why you cannot force a guy to see you every day, answer calls around the clock, report on all the significant and insignificant events of the day, or demand that you take some fundamental steps. For example, a man will decide when to introduce you to his parents. If he doesn’t want this, then you shouldn’t remind him of the cherished meeting every day, make hints and insist on it, causing scandals, jealous scenes with tears.
You don't have that "zest". Before starting a serious relationship, each person carefully studies the object they like. Some people are captivated by infectious laughter, others fall in love with the ability to read poetry beautifully, and others are captivated by just a glance. If there is no zest in you, then there is no point in forcing a person to love you, show sympathy and think about a relationship.
You are not erudite enough. Each person chooses a pair strictly according to his knowledge and skills. Everything in a relationship should be interesting and harmonious. Each couple finds something in common: video games, movie mania, music mania, creativity, art, sports, literature and reading, science, robotics, space. It’s not enough to just talk about beauty, fashion and discuss friends, because you also need to find common hobbies that would suit both you and your partner.

If a guy doesn't want a relationship with you, then this is not a reason to be upset. To do this, it is enough to analyze the situation and not rush to blame the man’s taste and behavior. Often the reason is hidden in the girls themselves, who sometimes do not feel the character of the object they like, turn all attention strictly to themselves and make themselves the only important person on the planet.

First of all, think about how ready you are for a relationship and whether your feelings that the guy doesn’t want to date you are only due to feelings of possessiveness, jealousy and selfishness. If there are no barriers between you, but the man still avoids you, then it’s time to analyze the character of the object of your desire. Some representatives of the stronger sex are quite narcissistic and self-confident, so they believe that only a certain type of girl is worthy of them.

Secondly, look at your behavior, manner of communication, style of clothing. Nobody likes unkempt, unkempt, rude girls. You can love sports, you can use foul language, you can fool around and be funny, but, for example, you should not smell bad, be tactful, good-natured, pleasant and well-mannered when necessary.

Make jokes, engage in self-development, be open to new knowledge, don’t be afraid to plunge into new areas of life, respect your partner’s choice, don’t be jealous for no reason and don’t be influenced by people who choose baseless scandals, hysterics and rudeness instead of analysis and reflection. Then any guy will be delighted with an erudite, but at the same time feminine and gentle girl.

Before meeting a man...

For more than 15 years, I have been counseling women and men on dating and building relationships to create a strong family. However, my work is often misrepresented and stereotyped. Women who come to me often expect me to pull out a stack of photos of different men and say, “Take your pick!”

No, we do not conduct any castings. I give theory on how to build relationships, teach role behavior. And since both men and women come to me, I can even introduce them to someone if I see that people are suitable for each other. But I never relied only on acquaintances. Above all, I help people realize their own potential.

My task is to convey to lonely people the idea: only you are responsible for yourself and no one else! I can help, but you will have to work too. First of all, above yourself.

After all, if you look at it, why are there so many lonely men and women around us? It seems that getting to know each other is not a problem, especially in our era of the Internet. But people seem to exist in parallel realities and do not see each other!

For many years I made my mark by working to change the consciousness of the clients who came to me. During this time, I realized that the main problem for both women and men is systemic errors in behavior. This is due to fears, painful experiences, and false attitudes. That’s when I decided that I needed to not only help people get to know each other, but also teach them how to build relationships correctly. After all, finding a mate is just the beginning, and the hardest part comes later.

Why do some people try to avoid close relationships?

There are not many options for a person to develop counterdependence. These are childhood traumas that most often result in violence or cruelty towards the child. This also includes violence that a child observes.

The second option is a violation of attachment: a lack of tactile contact with the mother, which may be completely absent or minimized. This contributes to the fact that, as an adult, a person tries to avoid emotional intimacy with other people to the detriment of his relationships.

Give yourself time!

I want to say right away: if you have an appointment, then there is nothing to worry about. The man definitely likes you. Now he is trying to discern his own in your inner world, that is, to find himself in you, to understand whether you exist in the same value system and how comfortable he is with you.

What you definitely shouldn’t do is come to the first meeting in a veil, like one of my friends. By the way, the desire to get married as quickly as possible, literally to the first person you meet, arises when you want to prove to yourself your “worthiness”. So, finding at least some husband is not a problem. But do you really need “some”? How long will your marriage with him last?

"I know he's good!" - I often hear this phrase when a woman talks about a candidate for a spouse whom she has known for almost a week. But how does she know this? In such situations, I suggest remembering your best friends. Few people can call the first person they meet a friend simply because they seem like a decent person. We got to know our friends for a long time in different situations until we realized that we could really trust them.

So: for a marriage to be strong and deep, you first need to get to know your spouse properly. Yes, this is a long process, but in this case we do not waste time, but invest it.

This is why I advise women to take their time! And to do this, you first need to work with your self-worth, that is, understand once and for all what it is. And when my client realizes how awesome she really is, she immediately stops clinging to just anyone and calmly chooses her future partner.