Divorce causes pain and anxiety for both spouses. It often happens that one of the spouses is unhappy in the marriage. Let's consider this situation from the husband's side. It often happens that the feelings have long passed, the relationship has reached a dead end. My husband has been in love with someone else for a long time. Or he just wants to be alone. Or realized that he was not living the way he wanted. At the same time, he is afraid or does not want to hurt his wife. Leaving someone who loves you is not easy. Even if you stopped loving him a long time ago. Unless, of course, you are an unscrupulous and emotionless robot. But we only live once. If a man made a mistake, chose the wrong wife... this is not a reason to suffer all his life. Especially if there are no children. Or you won’t have to divide a lot of property. Divorce, if there are children, will be much more difficult. But even if there is both, then it is not necessary to suffer for the rest of your life. The main thing is to leave with minimal “losses” for both spouses.
Why do husbands leave their wives?
This is the main question. Many women are left alone with questions after their spouse leaves. They are tormented by them. Husbands are also tormented: “Did I do the right thing?” Much depends on the reason. A man can leave for many reasons:
- Tired
. As sad as it is, in those families where there is a seriously ill child, husbands are the first to fail. Due to psychological characteristics, it is always easier for a person to leave and not see. Instead of living with a problem, spending time and energy on solving it. What if there is no solution? - I found another one
. The husband sees his wife in slippers, with dirty hair, unshaven legs, in a robe, at the stove. The mistress is always well-groomed, affectionate, sexy. Most often younger than the legal spouse. This is a common situation - The husband cheated, the mistress became pregnant
. He is forced to leave his current wife - Tired of it
. This word can mean anything. I'm tired of my wife being demanding. I'm tired of spending the whole summer at the dacha. I'm tired of my restrictions. The list goes on - The spouses are too different
. During the period of falling in love, they did not notice this. Time has shown that people really were “from different worlds.” With different tastes, different priorities, different views - One of the spouses cannot or does not want to have children
. The wife cannot get pregnant, and the husband wants an heir. Or the wife wants children, the husband does not. In order not to deprive the opportunity of motherhood, he leaves the family (so that she can find someone else) - My wife cheated.
Her husband found out about this and cannot forgive her - The spouse is a burden
. The husband provides for the family. The woman sits at home, does not work. At the same time, he still does not do anything useful around the house. Doesn't strive to become a good housewife. My husband is tired of carrying everything on his shoulders - Lack of attention.
The spouse is too passionate about herself, spends a lot of time at work, plays a lot of games. There are many reasons, but the essence is the same - little attention is paid to the husband, he feels superfluous, unnecessary
When should you leave?
Be sure to think things through. Never leave with passion or emotion. Everything should be done with a cool and sober mind. There is no “perfect time to leave.” But you can choose the most favorable moment for this.
First, understand yourself. What do you want to escape from? What exactly doesn't suit you about this relationship? Try talking to your wife about these topics. Perhaps there is a chance to save the family. Or after such a conversation something will change. For example, your wife will take better care of herself, and you will spend more time at home rather than with friends. It often seems that it is easier to get away from a problem than to solve it. But we forget that the solution sometimes lies on the surface.
If you value relationships, then it makes sense to see a family psychologist. It will help you sort out deadlocked relationships. There is nothing shameful or awkward about trusting a professional and receiving qualified help.
A conversation with your spouse or a psychologist is suitable for those who doubt the decision. Or he can’t decide. If your decision is firm, then act. Delays can only make the situation worse. Over time, your emotional state will not improve, and keeping your wife in ignorance and deception is not fair.
How to build a conversation?
Choose a time when no one is in a hurry. Let this be the start of the weekend. Or a time when no important events are planned in the near future. Invite your spouse to a conversation. Start the conversation with a neutral phrase: “we need to talk about one thing,” or “let’s sit down and discuss one important issue.”
Give reasons
Think through all your phrases in advance.
Next, clearly and clearly state WHY you came to the decision. Do not resort to allegories, comparisons or metaphors, such as “the family boat crashed into everyday life.” Formulate all the phrases in your head in advance, prepare arguments and counterarguments. If you fall out of love, say so. Everything is direct, everything is honest. But if you are leaving for someone else, it is better to keep silent about the reason. In order not to cause unnecessary anger, not to provoke your spouse to take revenge. But if you are bad at lying, or don’t want to do it, it’s up to you.
In a conversation, it is better to focus on third forces, using “this is how the circumstances developed” instead of “I decided so.” Or instead of “I’m tired of it” – “it so happened that...”
Listen to your wife
She listened to you, now you listen to her. She will probably be in shock. Or it will cause a scandal. Don't argue, don't prove anything. After all, you decided everything for yourself. Which means there is no point in ranting. Ignore her arguments. That “we’ve been together for 7 years”, “how could you?”, “we loved each other”, “you promised”, etc. In any case, let the person speak out and cry. Do not take insults (if any) seriously. The wife is now emotional and may not control herself.
Come to a conclusion
After discharge, you can return to the conversation. As before, stick to your position clearly. YOU decide, YOU act, YOU do not hesitate. Therefore, go to topics like: “until when can I live here?”, “When will we go file for divorce?” and so on. The main thing is that she clearly reflected that you were not joking, did not hesitate, did not doubt. Decision is made. And it has been accepted for a long time, nothing can be changed. And now you just voiced it in words.
Discuss the division of property
If the wife is in adequate condition, we can discuss the division of property in detail. If your spouse is in shock, angry or too upset, it is better not to do this. It hardly reflects reality now. The property can be dealt with later. If disagreements arise, go to court.
What should you not do when leaving your wife?
Even if you never see each other after the divorce, you need to separate as a human being. Without losing control, without causing unnecessary pain, without creating unnecessary destruction. To do this, remember what you should not do when leaving:
- To humiliate or insult
. Even if she is really wrong about something. Stooping to insults is not worthy of a real (let alone a proud) man. - Make a silent exit
. Leaving without words will create a lot of questions that a woman will want to get an answer to by any means. Besides, it will look like running away - Be subject to blackmail and threats
. In this situation, a woman can do strange things. Verbal threats may be made. But the most undesirable thing is manipulation and blackmail. For example: “I will commit suicide if you leave,” or “I will set your car on fire at night.” 99% of the time it's just words - Doubt.
Any doubt, a trembling voice or a thoughtful look can give a woman false hope. If you are definitely going to leave, be firm (but without becoming rude) and confident in your every action, in every word. - Come back.
If you decide to leave, don’t come back. All your returns will not lead to anything good, believe me - Show joy.
You have already caused a person suffering. And if you post photos online, make statuses and publications about how good your life is now... you can embitter or upset your ex-wife even more. It is your right to live your life. But mocking the “defeated” does not do you any honor
Advice from experienced psychologists
If you contact an experienced psychologist for advice on how to leave your wife as correctly, painlessly and with dignity as possible, you will receive instructions consisting of several basic steps. Namely:
- Talk . This should be a calm, balanced conversation about relationships, the reasons for the impossibility of continuing.
- Her position . Be ready to listen and hear her, let her express her feelings and don’t hide yours.
- Common denominator . Having expressed your feelings and wishes to each other, try to find a way out that will be as comfortable as possible for both parties.
- Children, property. You have gained a lot, so show nobility and leave everything that will allow your wife to remain in circumstances that are comfortable for her. Tell them that you are ready to help with the children and don’t want to lose touch with your family.
- Care . Do not show doubts or uncertainty in your decision, this will cause her even more pain, and it will also cause a lot of unpleasant emotions in you.
Safety precautions when talking
Even if you think that you know your spouse well and what she is capable of, you may be mistaken. The news that her husband wants to leave her can cause the most unpredictable reaction. Especially if you decide to admit that you love someone else, that you cheated, that she is pregnant, etc. Therefore, before you start a conversation, make sure of the following?
- The spouse is in an “even” state. She had no other grief the other day. The sum of these two events (grief and your departure) can cause the most undesirable reactions
An angry person may not be aware of his actions - You are at home . Restaurants, bars, parks, streets, etc. are not suitable for talking about divorce.
- You are not in the kitchen. There are a lot of breakable and cutting objects in the kitchen. Impulsive women may start breaking dishes or grabbing a knife. All this is dangerous
- Are you ready to leave immediately? You are the initiator. Therefore, if you are immediately asked to leave (and have a moral right to do so), then be prepared to leave
- to a lot of offensive phrases, insults, and unflattering expressions in your address This can be heard even from the most modest and silent women in anger.
In what cases is it worth saving the family?
It seems to me that in the case when one of the partners does not have such a desire and he firmly wants to leave, it is pointless to keep him. It’s easier to let go and work with a second partner specifically to let go and support in a new situation. After all, any end is always a beginning. New events, new meetings, new relationships.
If the family has potential, both of them quarrel, even fight, but want to maintain the relationship, we need to deal with what led the marriage to a critical point. The woman is responsible for relationships within the family - for their emotional background, character, quality. A man is responsible for external relations, for relationships with the outside world. Therefore, a woman has to take on the role of peacemaker. So, initiate a visit to a psychologist. But what else can you do to save your relationship?
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What should you be prepared for after a divorce?
Firstly . Think in advance: where you will live. Hotels, hotels, hostels are always waiting for you. But this is a last resort. Because Accommodation in them is not cheap. If it is possible to live better with your parents, relatives or a good friend. Where you can live (without paying rent) for a month or two or more. If necessary. During this time, decide where you will live. Rent an apartment or live with a new lover. By the way, it’s not a fact that cohabitation with your mistress will be “sweet.” It is likely that behind the gorgeous sex, slender figure, and painted face there is a bitch, a brawler, or a person of limited intelligence. From which you yourself will then run away.
Secondly. Even before the conversation begins, think about your departure. In one evening you cannot take with you all your things, clothes, property. Take the minimum necessary for about a week. These are socks, underpants, shirts, jeans, hygiene products, charger, phone, laptop, non-perishable food, cutlery, bed linen. In general, what you can take with you at a time. Pay special attention to documents, money, and jewelry. It’s better to take them all with you at once. Then they may not be given to you, or they may be blackmailed with them, or they will fall under the hot hand. Accordingly, it is better to prepare all this in advance. Hide packages and bags out of sight until the conversation.
Don't go to extremes, control yourself
Third. After giving your wife a few days to “cool down” (or immediately, but depending on the circumstances), immediately agree on the removal of all your things. Hire a Gazelle or use your car to take out everything that belongs to you in one go. It is better to leave joint property to your spouse. In the future you will earn everything. And now these things can be not only an extra burden, but also a way for the ex-wife to manipulate. Remember that she does not want to see you, she is hurt. If you take things out in small parts every evening, it will be worse for both of you.
Fourthly. When dividing property, try not to go to extremes. It is much wiser to convince your ex to divide the property without going to trial. Otherwise, you will waste much more nerves, time, money, patience
Fifthly. Get out of sight. Move away from her house. Change jobs (if she knew the address), move away from mutual friends. Change your phone number and social media profiles. Your ex-spouse may be spying on you. Out of curiosity or for the purpose of revenge - it doesn’t matter. Do not give her the opportunity for revenge, curiosity, or testing the waters.
After leaving, do not remind yourself of yourself. NEVER EVER! NOT AT ALL! That's it, your paths have diverged. You don’t need to call her to find out how things are going. Don't stand guard outside her windows. She will notice this, which will give her false confidence that you will return. Do not go to her pages on social networks. What you see may cause negative emotions in you. Your ex can quickly find a new lover to “get revenge” on you. Or he will insult you on his wall. Or post tearful comments that are designed to get you to read them.
It always takes two to tango
Firstly, I sincerely advise all women not to use the word “divorce” as a means to threaten their husband in family conflicts or as a way to test their worth to a man. If at every quarrel you say “I’ll get a divorce” or pack your things and go to your mother, you are putting a certain program in a man’s head: “if she leaves me so easily, then I’m probably not very important and need her.” It is not surprising that one day you may hear “get a divorce” or never wait for your husband to come take you away from your mother.
Secondly, remember that tango always takes two people. Responsibility for problems in a couple lies with both participants. Of course, it’s easy to notice other people’s mistakes, but what can I say, we only notice them. But how to notice your own?
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