The issue of ending a relationship becomes extremely relevant when it ceases to bring joy or minimal benefit. Women are looking for ways to leave a tyrant husband, as well as how to leave someone they no longer love in order to save their soul. The reasons vary and their weight, seriousness and urgency vary from couple to couple, but there are some basic general principles for ending any relationship.
Those thinking about leaving their husband should consider the most serious reasons. It happens that people ruin relationships that are still alive because of a trifle, but it happens the other way around - they do not notice serious warning signs. Trying to stay in a relationship that is destroying your personality because you have come up with a fairy tale about eternal love can be the greatest folly in life. The main criterion for leaving or trying to renew a good relationship is solely your own well-being next to this person, and not the presence of children, the opinions of others and any social norms.
Grounds for divorce
There are 5 reasons why you should divorce your marriage and leave your spouse without waiting for a court decision.
- The husband uses alcohol, drugs, or is a gambling addict
If your partner has any type of addiction, then seriously think about leaving him, especially if the problem is not recognized by him and treatment is not considered.
Living with an addicted person, you are putting your physical and mental health at risk, and if you have children, then they are also at potential risk. Under the influence of drugs or alcohol, a person loses self-control, the level of aggression increases, and it is taken out on defenseless family members.
A drunkard or drug addict is not able to provide for the people who live with him - on the contrary, he may start selling things and even food, just to find money for the next portion of alcohol or drugs.
Gambling addicts can also lose their temper, especially if they don't have access to games or don't have money.
- Treason
Most wives turn a blind eye to infidelity in order to save the marriage and not deprive the children of their father. If the situation happened once and, having realized the mistake, the loved one does not do it again, then it is too early to think about divorce. If infidelity occurs systematically and is not hidden, then raise the question of divorce. This cannot be tolerated, otherwise self-respect and pride will be lost every time. And if there are children, then, having endured such treatment from their father, the mother will subsequently face their disrespect.
- Domestic tyranny
If the wife and children constantly suffer beatings or humiliation, emotional abuse, leading to depression and suicidal thoughts, then a breakup is inevitable. This must be done as soon as possible, before the tyrant inflicts severe physical and psychological injuries, even death.
- Doesn't work and doesn't make money
There are quite a lot of situations when a representative of the stronger sex does not work and does not bring money into the house. In such cases, all financial worries are shifted to the wives, and the “breadwinners” have fun playing computer games or start drinking. This cannot be tolerated and one should seriously consider the possibility of breaking the marriage bond. A woman should not burden herself with the life of a man who does not feel responsible for the family, but lives for his own pleasure.
- Lack of feelings
If you understand that love and tender feelings are gone, then you should not preserve the marriage bond for the sake of the younger generation or out of pity. Cohabitation without love will not bring anything good to the family.
It doesn’t matter for what reasons you have the desire to dissolve your marriage. It is recommended to think about how to leave your husband without harming your physical and mental health - both yours and your children's.
Let's pull ourselves together
Any changes in life cause side effects. It is unlikely that the husband will calmly or even joyfully accept the news of the divorce. Any methods can be used: promises to improve, gifts, demonstrative insults, aggressive attacks, assault. Therefore, we don’t speak ahead of schedule! For our own safety. Especially if you are pregnant!
Breaking attachments is not an easy task; at first there will be strong emotional swings. One of the reasons to remain silent is to prevent yourself from clinging to your old life and giving up on discomfort. It will be scary - that's normal. But once we decide, we go to the end.
How to decide on divorce?
Having lived for many years with an alcoholic, drug addict, tyrant or parasite, a woman can often repeat: “I want to leave my husband, but I can’t decide and it’s not working out,” but not try to change the situation. And there are reasons for this.
Some people can't break up because of fear of the unknown. This often happens when the spouse is completely financially dependent or has no real estate. Others fear for their lives and for their children. This fear is common when a woman experiences domestic violence.
There can be many reasons that motivate you to continue to live with a tyrant who beats, mocks, does not work or drinks. But it is possible to find a way out of every situation.
- Listen to yourself and the voice of your heart
There are common cases when a woman does not know how to decide to leave her husband with a small child if there is nowhere to go, and asks her mother or grandmother for advice, and in response receives instructions to continue living with him and the suggestion that no one else will need her.
In this case, rely only on your feelings and desires. If you are tired of this situation, you are married, but do not feel loved, desired and happy, then why save such a family?
Many ladies do not decide to divorce, not wanting to leave their children without a father. This is a common misconception that ruins the lives of all family members. After all, the child sees and feels that his mother is unhappy, and this makes him unhappy too. And if assault happens at home, then living with the father will leave psychological trauma on the child forever.
- Don't justify your spouse's actions
Another common mistake that prevents you from starting over is justifying the actions of your loved one. If a woman is beaten, she begins to come up with excuses why this happened. Sometimes it comes to the point that the victim blames himself for everything and says that it was she who provoked her roommate into another beating.
Wives of alcoholics also tend to justify their husband’s addiction and wait for years for him to stop drinking and for them to get better.
Such excuses harm the couple. A woman wastes her life, putting it in danger, and a dependent person, having such a wife, will never give up drunkenness or drug addiction and will not begin treatment.
- Make a plan for where you will go and how you will live for the first time.
Fear of the unknown often prevents you from taking a step towards divorce. In this situation, try to think things through and make a plan.
If you have children, first think about where you will go. There must be a solution to the problem anyway. At first, you can stay with a friend or relative, it’s good if they live in another city. If you have savings, then rent an inexpensive apartment or room.
When housing is found, figure out what you will do to feed yourself and your child if you are not working. Nowadays you can do freelancing online. Perhaps you are a good cook - then you could sell lunches, bake pies, or offer your services to newspapers as a personal chef. Write as many options as possible so that you have plenty to choose from.
Helpful advice: as soon as you have an apartment and income, immediately apply for divorce. The longer you delay this, the more likely it is that you will return to your husband.
Fears
Returning to the statistics, it is worth noting that a large percentage of women remain to live with their husbands, even after beatings and infidelity. All because of the tearing parasitic fears that men often skillfully manipulate:
- fear of loneliness, the inability to find a partner after a divorce - psychologists say that fear is often artificially fueled by a powerful spouse, although having gained freedom and an independent worldview it is very easy to find a worthy companion;
- financial inconsistency, poverty - if you are completely dependent on a man, “don’t be foolish”, first find a source of income, get a financial cushion;
- dependence on the opinions of others - close people have a strong influence on our actions, but being afraid of the reaction of friends or parents can miss the chance for a happy future;
- defective upbringing if there is a joint child - the fear of causing harm to the baby, both due to conflicts and the inability to communicate with both parents at once, puts significant pressure on the decision for or against divorce.
Leaving an addicted spouse
If a person does not respond to persuasion and pleas for treatment, and you do not know how to leave your alcoholic husband and start a new life, maintaining your mental and physical health, then, first of all, make a firm decision to leave. Understand that trying to cope with your husband’s drunkenness will lead to nothing, you will only lose years of your life.
Don’t wait for the drunkard to leave on his own - this happens extremely rarely. You yourself need to make up your mind and find ways to leave an alcoholic.
Do not allow pity for the drinker, otherwise you will never leave and will constantly suffer.
To avoid giving in to pity, look at the problem from the other side: an adult purposefully chose alcohol instead of family and achieving goals, so why should you feel pity? No one handcuffs anyone, pours it into their mouth or forbids them to undergo treatment. He himself chooses such an existence. You don't have to carry this burden with him.
Be sure to contact a lawyer who can tell you what steps to take and how to avoid financial losses. If there is a child, the court will take into account his interests if it can be proven that the father suffers from alcohol addiction. To do this, you will need to provide the following information:
- Evidence from neighbors that the spouse constantly comes home drunk;
- The results of a medical drug test proving addiction.
While the divorce process is ongoing and the housing issue is being resolved, psychologists do not recommend living under the same roof with a former life partner. Try to find separate housing for a while.
The best option would be if you give the right to inform your lawyer about the filed application for divorce. If you want to talk about this in person, then invite a friend, father or brother to be present during the conversation. Addicted people are unpredictable - think about your safety.
If you have children, make sure they are not at home during the conversation. Do not fall for promises that he will stop drinking, using drugs, or gambling. If you haven't done this yet, you're unlikely to do it anymore.
If you are afraid that your spouse will cause a scandal or start a fight, then leave when no one is home, leaving a note. Change your phone number immediately and do not tell anyone your address - not even friends and family.
Life after a breakup
If the decision to divorce is conscious and clear, then separation will help you start your life with a clean slate.
There are some simple tips to help you get through a difficult period:
- Don't look back.
- Do not try to meet another love immediately after the divorce.
- Don't bore your friends with endless conversations about your ex.
- Don't follow your ex-husband's life on social networks.
- Find time to be alone and relax.
- Ignore gossip and discussions of personal life.
- Build new relationships, taking into account the mistakes of the past.
- Take care of yourself, your appearance, your figure.
- Pay attention to children, their development, spend more time with them.
You shouldn't be afraid to start a new life. We must thank fate that the ex-husband was in a woman’s life. This will be a useful experience, a lesson for the future. You should believe in yourself and happiness.
Escape from the tyrant
Living in constant tension, stress and depression, women often do not know how to leave their tyrant husband without harming themselves and start a new life. It is very difficult to break with a tyrant; you should be well prepared for this.
- Leave when no one is home. Do not announce your decision to him and do not try to talk peacefully. This will provoke an attack of uncontrollable aggression.
- If possible, rent an apartment in another city or live with relatives during the divorce process. Be sure to change your phone number so that your spouse cannot persuade you to return or threaten you.
- File for divorce right away. Don’t waste time in the hope that the tyrant will come to his senses and you will live as before. Sadistic tendencies are treated with psychotherapeutic or even psychiatric methods - the person himself is not able to cope with this problem.
- Contact a psychological help service. Don’t be shy about this, because you are a victim who needs help and support.
Putting things in order in our heads
First of all, you need to calm down and ask yourself: is there any hope that this will pass or not? Our mood depends on a thousand little things, like the weather outside and hormonal levels. On certain days, even the most harmless action can cause a flood of tears and indignation. Therefore, you need to come to an even state of mind.
Next, you need to look at the situation from the outside, as objectively as possible. There is such a good method for this as writing. Just sit down and throw out everything that excites and worries you on paper. Then you read, but it’s as if it’s not about yourself, but about your best friend! It becomes much clearer to see all the acute and controversial issues.
Let's say your fears are confirmed: nothing can be fixed, you need to leave. What's next?
Leaving a loving spouse
If you don’t know how to leave a man or guy who loves you and is doing everything possible for your happiness and good, but you no longer want to live with an unloved person, then decide to have a serious conversation.
Try not to be interrupted by anyone during the conversation and talk about your feelings. Yes, it will hurt him, but he has the right to know the truth, and you have the right to live as your soul asks.
After this, give yourself and him 2-3 months, during which you will not meet or talk on the phone. This way you will better understand your feelings and be able to make the right decision.
If you have children, try to send them to grandma or to camp during this time so that they do not worry about their parents and do not influence your feelings.
If, within a specified period of time, you realize that you cannot continue to live with your partner, but do not dare to take a responsible step, then you need to analyze what exactly is stopping you. The reason may be pity, fear of being left without money and housing, fear of change or a feeling of guilt. It is important to work through these feelings on your own or with the help of a psychologist, once again weigh the pros and cons of divorce and finally resolve the issue.
What to think about before the wedding
When submitting an application, few people think about the collapse of love and the difficulties of its ending. The future seems cloudless, love is eternal. You should not forget about pragmatism, and at least assess the chances of separation. Experts have compiled a number of statistics that allow them to calculate both the likelihood of an unreliable union and their own readiness to divorce her husband without tears or scandal:
- different attitudes towards money - the financial side plays a significant role in the lives of newlyweds; if one saves and the other spends, this is a serious argument against growing old together;
- the presence of bad habits - oddly enough, smoking together is common in 75% of cases, but a supporter of a healthy lifestyle will not get along with a smoker;
- civil marriage is by no means a guarantee of an understanding of living together; it can increase the chances of discord by 12%, the most famous example being Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie;
- career - being a successful manager or mechanic is much more stable for a family than connecting your life with a choreographer or bartender; according to research, these professions give a 50% chance of marriage destruction;
- age difference - 53% of couples where the wife is older than the husband are doomed; psychologist Nicholas Wolfinger even calculated the ideal period for marriage - 25-31 years for both spouses;
- sarcasm and belittlement - a sense of humor in a relationship is not an unnecessary feature, but only in moderation; if there is irrepressible sarcasm bordering on humiliation, and even public, then this is no longer a family.
How to understand that it's time to leave your husband
Most marriages have turning points. Some couples successfully overcome the crisis and move on happily, but in certain cases it’s time to break up:
- Treason. According to statistics, 25% of men decide on it, and about half of them do not consider their marriage to be unsuccessful.
- The husband's addiction is alcohol, drugs, gambling. Mental health and finances suffer.
- A marriage rests only on a common child. Happy but separated parents are better than a constant oppressive environment.
- Sexual incompatibility.
- Uneven distribution of responsibilities. Often a woman also works out of necessity or of her own free will, but does not receive help in everyday life.
- Abuse. This term implies a violation of personal boundaries. Abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological, economic, but it always means suppression, coercion, control.
- Jealousy is about constant doubts and their violent manifestation.
- Lack of trust.
- Different worldviews, mutual rejection of the partner’s opinion.
- Lack of shared leisure time, common interests, topics for conversation.
- Financial difficulties. We are talking about constant difficulties - my husband does not work, he spends most of the budget.
Important! You need to make the decision to separate from your husband on your own. What matters is personal well-being, including moral well-being, not the opinions of others.
Unsuccessful marriage
Leo Tolstoy's book Anna Karenina begins with the words: “All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” There can be plenty of reasons for divorce. An ideal marriage without hassle is only possible in a fairy tale. In real life, spouses have to find a compromise, work on their relationships, their shortcomings, be able to forgive and smooth out rough edges in order to create a strong and happy family.
Often a guy and a girl, wanting to live together, are not ready to make such sacrifices. Being selfish, none of the spouses agree to meet each other, do not value each other, and divorce occurs due to stupidity and thoughtlessness. In some cases, it’s really worth closing your eyes to many things, learning to understand and forgive your husband, and trying to save the relationship. But there are situations when family life turns into hell.
Advice from a psychologist on how to finally and painlessly break up with an alcoholic husband
The following advice from a psychologist will help you leave your drinking husband once and for all:
- Put yourself and your children first.
- Make a firm decision and do not give up on it.
- Do not regret, do not succumb to manipulation.
- Packing things while my husband is not at home. This will save you from unnecessary proceedings and pressure.
- Understand that alcoholism progresses and makes a person aggressive. One day it may lead to beatings and murder.
- When breaking up, conduct a calm dialogue and do not give in to emotions.
Important! You can help a person cope with addiction, but he must also want it. Otherwise it's just a pointless sacrifice.
Child support
Both spouses are responsible for the costs of caring for their children after they separate, even if they were not legally married. In any case, the spouse who does not remain in the family with the children must pay alimony, which goes towards:
- daily content;
- additional needs for children with disabilities;
- post-secondary education;
- additional education.
