Sad girl: UGC How to deal with a tyrant husband? Unfortunately , this question asked , even though the Domostroev era long gone. Women have taken an equal in society and in families and combine caring for the home with the pursuit of other in their lives . But since the Middle Ages there has been a tradition of not taking into account a opinion , not respecting her. Some men retained despotic behavior in their families. In this case, for wives , the question of how to live with a tyrant becomes a problem of survival.
“When he started drinking, he became inhuman”
Anastasia Volkova
Elena is 52 years old. She lived 30 of them with her tyrant husband. “When he started drinking, he became subhuman. Another creature who doesn’t feel sorry for anyone at all. Like a wild animal with crazy eyes." Elena managed to escape and start living differently. In 2021, she bought a wooden house built in 1905 - a former school. And three months ago she moved to the village to renovate her house and fulfill her dreams - to take in foster children, organize an artel and give shelter to victims of violence like herself.
In the village, we are greeted with loud barks by Mira and Mona, Elena’s dogs, who moved with their owner from an agricultural town in the Orsha region. The lock clangs - and Elena herself comes out along with her daughter Sophia . They give a tour of the house they currently live in.
The school house that Elena bought had not yet been renovated, so a neighbor offered them housing - free of charge, they only had to pay for electricity. “Everyone is fine: we have a roof over our heads, and he has a tidy house, and it’s constantly heated,” says Elena.
The house is cozy and lived-in. There is a desk for high school student Sophia, an entire room is dedicated to a workshop with a sewing machine, endless cuts of fabric and spools of thread. Elena is a teacher by training, but now earns money by sewing.
Three cats, two dogs and a puppy, Valet, live in the house. They dropped him at Elena’s door when they found out that she was a volunteer in Orsha and helped homeless animals.
Elena's daughter Sophia.
Elena describes how she and her daughter are getting used to life in a village house after a three-room apartment. How they want to plant a garden, and there are always grapes in it as a symbol of family life, which never really existed.
He talks cheerfully, but looks at us with a questioning, anxious smile. She knows that light-hearted questions about the dogs, the house, and the recipe for the chocolate cake she baked in the oven will be followed by hard questions about her husband and her past life.
Types of tyrant husbands
A tendency towards tyranny can manifest itself in different ways, but most often a man acts this way:
- Strives to control everything.
It is important for a domestic tyrant to always know who is and where he is. He may ask why his wife took five minutes longer to get from the stop, how much she spent and what she bought. He even cares about the plot of his partner’s dreams.
Every day a wife receives hundreds of questions from her tyrant husband. Simply remaining silent here will not work, so it is better to give an answer right away, otherwise his suspicion will reach its peak and conflict cannot be avoided. The main problem lies in the fact that a man covers up his behavior with concern for his beloved. This approach often does not allow a woman to quickly recognize obsession.
Over time, the husband forbids his wife to intersect with all members of the opposite sex, including relatives, and does not trust her colleagues and friends. He monitors the movement of vehicles on maps, checks his wife’s page on social networks, carefully looks at what she wears and how she makes up. Such a person may well install a listening device at home.
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- Devalues his wife's actions.
Insulting his wife is the norm for such a man, because it is important for him to suppress her will and self-esteem. No matter how much a woman tries, he will never be satisfied: the soup is too salty, the hair is poorly dyed, the clothes are inappropriate, the smile is crooked.
Humiliation can take a humorous and sweet form, and in the speech of a tyrant husband there are phrases: “Who will tell you the truth, if not me?”, “You will simply die without me,” etc.
If, through the efforts of a man, you begin to doubt yourself, think about why he still hasn’t left you, since you are so sloppy and clumsy? The answer is simple: he perceives you as a source of energy and inspiration - only thanks to his chosen one can a despot gain confidence and assert himself.
- Shows aggression.
This is the most dangerous type, since such a tyrant husband is prone to physical violence. It is not enough for him to morally humiliate the victim, so he reinforces his words with actions. We are talking about a person of mood who does not control his anger and cannot say for sure what will set him off this time. For example, a red rag turns out to be the look of your spouse, an unsuccessful dish, an outfit or a smile. A man may be infuriated by the fact that his wife expressed her position or remained silent. It’s difficult to guess, because it’s not the woman herself who is to blame, but, for example, a dog that barked under the window early in the morning and did not allow the man to sleep.
There are two types of aggressive husbands. The former understand the asociality and illegality of their actions, so they always ask for forgiveness for what they have done. And the latter are confident that they have every right to do this.
Among individuals of this type, there are often people with alcohol addiction, and the combination of aggression and alcohol is quite capable of leading to tragedy.
It is worth noting that only rare tyrant husbands fit into one of the described categories - more often they combine different qualities.
Slaps and slaps on the head came already in the first years of marriage
“My husband and I met by chance,” Elena recalls. “Everything started to spin very quickly.” He immediately offered to live together, then quickly invited her to marry. He never left my side. And how beautifully he spoke! I believed him. My parents died shortly before we met. He took me “lukewarm” - in a state of shock. He easily convinced me of his reliability, which was so lacking.
When we started talking about her husband, Elena’s manner of speaking changed dramatically. Not a trace remains of the cheerful chatter.
“And so we started living together,” Elena continues. “We didn’t fight often at first. At that time I already had little Seryozhka, a son from my first marriage. It really influenced me - that Seryozhka liked him. Bribed me.
Elena says that slaps and slaps on the head came already in the first years of their life together. The woman always found an excuse for this - they say, it was her own fault. But after 11 years of marriage, more severe beatings began.
The family had financial problems and had to go to Russia to earn money. Elena got a job at the market, but her husband could not find a job for a long time. He said: “Well, I won’t go to the market as a loader.”
He has only a basic education, but his hands are golden - he earned money by finishing work in houses and apartments. But in the end I had to go to the market. He didn’t bring money home - he drank and skipped. And he raised his hand more and more often. Even when Elena became pregnant.
“I had a case,” says Elena. “I was walking through the city after another scandal - pregnant with David at that time. I saw the headlights shining and stepped under the car. The driver braked and jumped out. At first he began to scold me. Then I saw that I was all in tears, I realized what state I was in. He put me in the car to talk. He turned out to be a policeman, an investigator. He supported me then. He said that you can report your husband so that he doesn’t let go. But I was afraid - we were nobody in Russia.
Elena forgave her husband again. But the “swing” – beatings and apologies – continued. The woman kicked her husband out only when she became pregnant again. And she found out that only she wants this child.
“Then my husband wanted to return. He said that in order to provide for his family, he would go to Israel. He will make money there, everything will be cool. I fell for it again. Listen, he can lie so beautifully. I'm ashamed, but I believed. I needed to trust someone, and he was there. If someone told me: “Open your eyes, look wider. This, this is wrong,” I would draw attention to. But I was alone. There were no close people; all acquaintances in Russia were casual. Forgave, forgave - betrayal, drunkenness, beatings.
“Tell me how he beat? He just held me by the head and kicked me in the face, tearing out my hair."
Elena falls silent and looks out the window for a long time. We are sitting in a sunlit room. On the floor is a patient suitcase that has not been disassembled since September, on the wall is a painting that Elena made herself, on the table are photographs of a woman with children. Without a husband. “Tell me how he beat?” – Elena asks with a bitter smile.
– I remember in 2002 we bought a computer on credit. It was on the birthday of his daughter from his first marriage. The husband got very drunk and caused a scandal. I stood in the kitchen and cooked. As I see it now: I was stirring the goulash in a large frying pan with an iron handle. He came up to me and started beating me. I reached for the frying pan and began to choke. I grabbed the handle and, along with the goulash, hit him in the head. He went wild.
He then beat me like that! He just held me by the head and kicked me in the face, tearing out my hair. Trampled me. He beat me so bad! I was all blue. Again, the question is - why didn’t I leave then?
Elena sighs and moves her hands through her jacket.
“Then he said to me, “Oh, sorry!” - with tears in his eyes. “Forgive me, I'm a fool. How could I do this?!” Lord, what fools we women are! We are led by beautiful words, beautiful gestures, crocodile tears. For the same tears. Well, you can’t believe this, you can’t. Because then your whole life is derailed anyway. Then children appear, children suffer. Nothing good will happen. It's better to tear it up right away. To survive, to get over it, to endure. And start living differently.
Elena does not call her husband by name - only the impersonal “husband.” “Sasha” came out only once, when the woman spoke out and asked not to return to this topic again.
“Where should I go? I didn't have my own home. And it’s very expensive to shoot.”
After her husband returned from Israel to Russia, Elena packed her things and left with the children for Belarus. He did not bring the promised money to the family, and during the year of living in Israel, he was not particularly interested in how Elena copes with two children. The woman went to Babichi, Orsha district - her sister and grandmother lived there. I got a job - first as a salesperson in a cafeteria, then as a social work specialist, then as a watchman at a poultry farm.
- My husband came up. "Sorry" again. And again, stupidly, I forgave him. The children asked: “Mom, let’s live with dad. Let dad be there." And I listened to the children. Then I didn’t really believe his words anymore. But my husband got rental housing - a three-room apartment. We lived practically like neighbors. I just endured it. If only it was quiet. There was no friendly family. So they lived together for another 11 years.
Sophia listens to her mother's story in silence, stroking the puppy on her lap.
“I felt that I needed to leave my husband,” Elena continues. -Where should I go? I didn't have my own home. And it's very expensive to shoot. I felt that my salary was not enough. I started looking for options. I went to the bank and asked to calculate the loan that they could give me. If I want to buy any house in the village - even the size of a bathhouse. I was told that my income was too low.
I remember then walking across the field with the dogs and praying. Lord, God, is there anyone in heaven? Well, someone help me! It is impossible to live the same way. And every day I walked with the dogs, every day I called out to the universe. She raised her hands to the sky and screamed. If anyone had seen me at that time, they would probably have thought: “What a fool.”
Elena not only sews and repairs clothes, but also makes brooches, bags, toys, and paintings.
Many people can “try on” Elena’s story. Every third woman in Belarus is subjected to physical violence, not to mention other types of violence - sexual, psychological, economic. Women are bullied not by strangers, but by those closest to them - husbands, fathers, sons, brothers.
Only a third of affected women seek help. Most often because it is embarrassing to talk about your problem. And also because, like Elena, there is simply nowhere to go. So that women can leave the aggressor and receive temporary protection, the non-profit organization “Radislava” created the “Shelter” project.
This is a house where a woman from any corner of Belarus can come at any time for free to live with her children and, in addition, receive psychological and legal assistance. Over the 11 months of 2021, the “Shelter” project, thanks to the financial support of IMEN readers, helped 84 people, of whom 44 were women and 40 children.
Why do women submit to domestic tyranny?
Very often, the illogical, sacrificial and subordinate position of the wife of a family despot is associated with the stereotypes . These deep-seated beliefs also operate on an unconscious level. In many ways they do not correspond to modern realities, but they still guide our actions. In the 21st century, unlike in antiquity, a woman and her offspring can physically and financially exist without a male, but behavioral patterns formed over centuries are not so easy to overcome.
- Fear of loneliness . Despite the fact that many of our contemporaries consciously choose life without a constant companion, while remaining happy women and wonderful mothers of successful children, the fear of loneliness is one of the powerful incentives to continue coexistence with a tyrant.
- The fear of leaving children without a father also cannot serve as a sufficient justification for domestic violence. Psychologists are categorical - life with a despot father who oppresses the mother brings more harm to the child than good.
- Influence of relatives and friends. The older generation is most often determined to preserve the family at any cost, while the blame for the destruction of the “unit of society” is shifted not to the tyrant husband, but to the wife, who initiates the breakup. A woman, not feeling the support of her family, is afraid to be left “alone” with her problems after a divorce.
- Threats, intimidation, low self-esteem . Through these key tools, the husband effectively keeps the victimized wife in submission.
- Hope for better relations . A woman, most often without reason, expects her tyrant husband to change his behavior. But neither a future nor an already established despot will work on himself unless external circumstances force him to do so.
- Love . Often women formulate the reason for their endless patience this way. But usually this behavior hides not a strong, sincere, high feeling, but more complex psychological reasons.
- Material dependence . It can manifest itself in different forms: the wife’s lack of income, her own living space, profession, funds to pay for studies or treatment of children. But we must remember that without decisive independent steps, material dependence will only grow over time, reinforced by psychological dependence.
- Peculiarities of the woman's psyche. Victim syndrome is an unconscious need to have an oppressor master. The victim wife most often copies the behavior of her own mother, having absorbed this model since childhood.
“I’ll sooner crush you and drive you to your grave than give you a divorce.”
Elena also contacted the “Shelter”. She was advised on the legal issues of divorce and was offered to come to Minsk and move into the “Shelter” house. But Elena decided to take a different path. In 2018, she saw on the news how a man bought a castle in the Novogrudok region from the state property database for one “basic” ruble - 24.5 rubles. And she decided that her calls to the universe were heard. The woman found an electronic database of state property for sale and began choosing a house for herself.
– I was looking, of course, away from my husband – Brest, Grodno regions. And I found it at the right price and location. I was embarrassed that the house - a former school - was very large. 700 square meters. But I fell in love with him. Everything there breathes with antiquity, with some special village spirit - the house is from 1905.
I understand that it is dilapidated and that there is a lot of work. But what a tree! Imagine, the house is more than a hundred years old, but it stands evenly and firmly. In the attic, the resin still protrudes from the ceilings. The pine tree is 100 years old and still alive. You see, alive!
For two years, Elena led a double life: she hid paperwork and trips 500 kilometers away from her husband. He didn’t want a divorce, he said: “I’ll crush you faster, take you to your grave, than give you a divorce.” I had to leave without warning one day in advance. The husband first called and threatened, then drank and cried. And two weeks later he brought to the apartment a woman whom he had been dating for a long time.
Punishment for stalking
From the point of view of the law, such behavior is punishable. A man is infringing on your privacy and freedom of movement. In case of violation of established norms, the law provides for punishment as specified in the Criminal Code. If the situation becomes uncontrollable, you can safely file a lawsuit.
A certain part of the male population experiences a breakup quite hard, believing that the woman has personally insulted them. Women who reject them fall under the wrath of the aggressor and are forced to defend themselves. To begin with, sensibly assess the situation, whether the man really wants to harm you or whether this is a banal attempt to win you back.
In case of real danger to life, immediately go to the police.
For safety reasons, it is better to go out less often until the current problem is finally resolved. The most terrible threat is considered to be a threat to human life; in this case, you should not take any steps on your own. You must write a statement to the police.
In accordance with Article No. 119 of the Criminal Code (threat of murder), the punishment is imprisonment for up to two years. The most problematic thing in this matter is the provision of evidence. In this case, you need to collect any evidence against your ex. These could be recordings of telephone conversations, testimonies of neighbors and relatives, and even your children (only if they are over 10 years old). You even have the right to file a lawsuit against your ex-spouse and win in court, where the children will testify under the supervision of a psychologist.
If you have already collected a certain amount of evidence, go with it to the police, the guardians of the law are obliged to take action after you write a statement on this fact.
You also have the right to file a claim with the prosecutor's office. In the header of such an application you must make a note “copy - police department.”
In the claim, you indicate your full details and the person who is pursuing you (date of birth, place of work, position). State in any form all the circumstances of your problem. At the end, you make a request to protect your rights, citing the Constitution.
Sophia smiles and says that she would never trade her new calm life for the old one.
Elena enthusiastically invites us to look at her acquisition. A few minutes and we are near the school. This is a huge building with stove heating: one part was built in 1905, and the second in 1953. Until 2009, children still studied here. Their photographs are now lying on the floor in one of the offices. Elena says that she will not throw them away. Will allocate a separate room for photographs - a room of memories. Not a museum, that sounds boring. Elena doesn’t know who the first owner of the house was, but she definitely wants to dig up the archives.
A woman gives a tour: a teachers’ room, a literature room, a storage room, a large assembly hall with a stage, a technical room with a sign saying “Emergency Exit.”
“The first time I saw the sign, I thought it was a sign. This is an emergency exit for you - take it.
Sophia leads us to the room she chose for herself - the former “Pionerskaya”. This is an attic room with a balcony.
“Sophia, don’t you regret that you moved from a three-room apartment to an old house without sewerage, without water?” Sophia smiles and says that she would never trade her new calm life for the old one. And her mother adds: “In recent years, Sophia has begun to stoop and her eyesight has deteriorated. She was always waiting for something bad to happen.” The sons do not live with their mother. The eldest, Sergei, has long been an adult and lives separately. And David is now serving in the army.
Elena has many plans for the house. She wants to renovate it and turn it into an agricultural estate, live there with her daughter and invite guests. And in the neighboring building, which Elena received along with the school, create a creative artel. There the woman wants to equip workshops - carpentry, pottery - and attract local residents to work so that they do not leave. Now there are only 30 inhabited houses in the village, all the rest are abandoned.
For now, Elena earns money to renovate her house by repairing clothes. But there are very few orders - you can count the people in the area on your fingers. “They just brought the jacket. How much I earn there - three rubles. In a coat, the sleeves need to be shortened - six rubles. Once there was an order - they paid 15 rubles.” To earn more, Elena agreed that she would run clubs for children at the Tourism Center in a neighboring city. But the coronavirus interfered with the plans. Work is on pause for now.
“In general, I would like it if I didn’t live alone,” says Elena. – The house is large, and I expect that children will live in several rooms. I wanted to become a foster mother when I lived in the Orsha region, my children agreed. My husband let us down then. When all the documents were ready, he came somehow drunk, attacked his son, and began to beat him. I stood up, he beat me, we called the police. We were registered as a dysfunctional family. Well, who would give us children after this? Everything went to waste. But I think I can do it here without my husband.
Elena says that if she can’t take in foster children, she will turn to the “Threads of Friendship” project, which is supported by “NAMES” readers, to become a foster carer.
– I can offer housing from your project to the homeless. Let them come and help with the repairs. And I can shelter women who suffered the same with their husbands. It doesn't matter to me what happens here. It is important that I will be happy here. And I will make other people happy. Because how I lived before... I, of course, smiled, didn’t talk, was polite. Few people could believe that they were beating me. Because it’s a shame, well, it’s a shame to talk about it, you know? Because they will say: “Why aren’t you doing anything?” And I wouldn’t even be able to answer properly. It felt like I was living in a dream. The state was half strangled. But now I have escaped. It wasn't easy, but I did it.
