No more! - you decide. And you feel that you are cutting off your own oxygen.
How to stop wanting a man with whom everything seems to be over? What can you do with forbidden passion?
Anyone who has tried it knows: it is impossible to cancel attraction. You can try to restrain yourself more or less successfully, or you can also try to hide it from yourself. It is difficult to stop passion voluntarily.
How is sexual desire controlled, why does it not obey the will, and what should you do if passion interferes with your life? How to stop wanting your ex?
Let's start in order.
Desires are given to us for a reason. Desires are our connection with nature, a source of energy, a chance to enjoy. It is difficult to cut off the source of strength and voluntarily give up bliss, but it is possible. Is this just what needs to be done? Maybe there is another way?
In nature, everything has a purpose. By understanding the source and meaning of desires, you can solve the problem forever and without suffering. Choice appears when we understand ourselves, when we become aware of the unconscious and establish a connection between desires, thoughts and actions.
How not to think about your loved one?
How to stop thinking about the person you love?
- First of all, you need to stop missing the person, you need to stop dating. Avoid places where you can see it. Not writing to a person will be difficult at first, but this must be overcome, just like telephone conversations. Get rid of all things that may remind you of him.
- Start communicating more actively with your friends, work colleagues or relatives. Find a hobby or recreation. The main task is to receive new positive emotions.
- We need to stop thinking about him. You need to get rid of all negative thoughts once and for all. We sign up for training, stretching, dancing, the gym, anything to occupy our head with thoughts. It happens that even renovations in your apartment can completely rid you of negative thoughts about a person.
- It often happens that we seem to just remember a person, but we begin to think and think up thought after thought. You need to take your mind off your thoughts about your loved one. You can use a clever idea. Take a rubber band and put it on your wrist. As soon as a bad thought comes to you, pull back the rubber band and hit yourself on the arm with it. The method is peculiar, but effective.
- Cleanse your aura. Throw out all the trash from the apartment or donate old things to orphanages and so on. In this way, you will get rid of the stagnant energy in your home and make room for a new flow of energy.
Symptoms of fear of intimacy
I asked several men and women to share how fear of intimacy manifests itself in their lives.
Anatoly, 32 years old
: “I understand that women need me only when everything is fine with me, and if I feel like a wreck and show my weakness, they start kicking, beating and abusing me. However, my desire to be with someone close did not go away, so I overcame fear, entered into a relationship, got hurt and crawled away. And so it happened again, and again, and again. Finally tired of living like this, I forcibly protected myself from any contact. Every day I want to try to find intimacy, but I hold myself back.”
Asya, 30 years old
: “I feel almost physical discomfort from the presence of another person when I understand that he can see me in any way: both in the “Instagram-front” form and in unsightly angles. I noticed that I avoid answering questions that require frankness, that I slouch if a person shows attention to me and involves me in close communication; the muscles contract, the body trembles - the classic “flight” reaction is activated. I don’t trust people, I’m afraid of making mistakes, it’s hard for me to text first or ask people out, so I avoid intimacy, and this results in (self-)isolation, both in friendships and in romantic relationships.”
Mikhail, 25 years old
: “When I’m alone, I constantly seek the attention of women. But as soon as a hint of reciprocity appears, I have obsessive thoughts and fear that I will lose control of myself and begin to neglect myself, my boundaries and desires to please the other person. These thoughts make me find evidence that this partner is bad and urgently break up with him.”
Petya, 23 years old
: “I have no fear of intimacy with girls - I easily build friendly relationships with them. But with guys there is anxiety. Firstly, I am afraid to meet men who are attractive to me, so I often communicate with those who are not exactly my type. Secondly, if a guy I went on a date with a couple of times or had sex with starts to like me, I avoid him. He may ask why we don’t see each other, and I write that I’m busy or that I’m going through a difficult period, and then I block him on all social networks. That is, yesterday I liked the person, but today I don’t feel anything, as if there was a desert inside me. Probably my biggest fear is that my heart will be broken, as it was in my first serious relationship, after which I had many years of depression. So now I’m trying my best to protect myself.”
Tom, 40 years old
: “A loved one is my enemy. I’m afraid that if I open up to him, sincerely tell him about my feelings, experiences, something very personal, he will then take advantage of it.”
In all these stories you can find similar symptoms. Some of them are discussed in “Fear of Intimacy” by Ilse Sand, others are described in the book “Flight from Intimacy” by psychologists Berry and Janae Weinhold. Here they are:
- difficulties in experiencing feelings (except anger and frustration);
- intolerance of loneliness;
- the tendency after a breakup to consider former partners as bad or vicious;
- fear of control from other people;
- the habit of saying “no” to new ideas put forward by others;
- constant fear of making a mistake, desire to be perfect and demanding the same from others;
- refusal of help, even if it is really needed;
- fear that other people will turn away from you if you show your weaknesses and fears;
- difficulties with trust, secrecy;
- workaholism or being overly busy with hobbies;
- excessive demands on a partner and/or relationships;
- strong inner critic;
- intolerance to physical contact, including sex;
- fear of becoming dependent on a person.
Experience gained
Life can guide us to gain life experience and knowledge. If you didn’t get along, well, God bless him, don’t get hung up on him. You have gained your experience.
