Have relationships in your family changed since the birth of your first child? Many will answer this question unequivocally: “Yes.” Indeed, the birth of a baby cannot but have an impact on the family structure, the psychological atmosphere, the relationship between husband and wife, and other relatives.
Having conducted a survey among women who recently became mothers, I found out that the majority of them say that relationships with the advent of a child in their family have changed for the worse (55% of respondents), slightly fewer opinions are in favor of improving relationships (35%) and a small part respondents said that the relationship had not changed at all (10%). A survey among young fathers showed approximately the same picture: for the worse – 70%, for the better – 25%, no change at all – 5%.
Don’t rush to be sad, the third person in the family is not superfluous! This state of affairs is a completely normal picture. Let's look at the problem in order and start with the good.
Hooray! Now we are family
“We gave birth to our Artemka together,” says Anna. “I immediately noticed in the postpartum ward how my husband had changed!” Tired but happy, we cried... My husband and I love each other even more. The baby gave us the right to be called a family! I read somewhere: if you didn’t get divorced after the birth of your child, it means love has settled in your home.
“Our relationship has become a little better,” says Yulia. “We see a reflection of each other in the child.” When I see how my husband deals with the child, I love him even more. Although it seems that there is nowhere else.
The girls are absolutely right, a real family is when there is a child. A baby in whom both mother’s and father’s features are reflected as in a mirror. “How your baby looks like his dad!” - the observant neighbor will say. “And beautiful like mom!” - a passerby will confirm. There are no nicer words, because our children are an extension of ourselves.
Life does not pass in vain if someone in this world says “mom” to you! Modern psychologists also share this opinion. They note that motherhood has many beneficial effects on a woman. We become confident because we have achieved self-realization in life; your attitude towards life becomes more positive.
Scientists say that a woman who has had a child becomes smarter... Due to hormonal changes in her body, the size of cells in certain areas of the brain increases, which has a beneficial effect on its functioning. And the small child himself and caring for him forces the mother to be smarter, more collected, and find solutions in the most unexpected situations.
Not only mothers experience beneficial changes in the body after the birth of a child. Fathers who take part in raising a child also change for the better. For example, brain function improves, especially those departments responsible for planning and memory.
Our husbands also undergo psychological changes. They are proud of their fatherhood, because it puts them several levels higher in society. Young fathers feel responsible for their baby and try to earn more money to provide for their family. They are imbued with respect for their soulmate, especially if they were at the birth.
The presence of the husband at the birth brings couples closer together. But I would like to make a reservation that we are talking about such participation for which the couple specially prepared, attended partner childbirth courses, and, if necessary, consulted with a psychologist.
It used to be believed that raising children affects the psyche of women much more than the psyche of men. But recent research into men's experiences has shown that fatherhood affects men just as much as motherhood affects women.
The first serious test for a young family is the birth of a child. If you have been married for several years before having offspring, it will be easier to survive difficulties, but no one will guarantee one hundred percent success either. As my small sociological research shows, a fairly large percentage of women tend to believe that the birth of a baby has improved their relationship with their husband. This does not mean that there are no problems in their family at all, but rather that they look at them from a positive point of view.
“If we talk about relationships, then our relationship has become stronger,” says Maria, “my husband has become more courteous, because he sees that I am tired.” And I began to be more attentive to my husband, because I see how he strains himself at work for our sake. But at the same time, we feel the load on our shoulders, which is why there are “swearing” and misunderstandings, which almost never happened before. If we talk about life in general, then, of course, ours has changed dramatically! Well, maybe not so cool for my husband, but definitely for me! You spend the whole day at home, there is almost no time for yourself, minimal communication, sleepless nights, and so on. The birth of a child in a family is a great test, very difficult, but at the same time so pleasant...
“The birth of a child brought a lot of new things to our family,” says Sergei. — A lot, a lot of good, joyful and bright things. But there are no less problems. I try to smooth out the unpleasant moments, I understand how difficult it is for my wife with the baby, I myself have not yet recovered from the birth. I think that over time everything will get better, we will learn to live in a new capacity - as parents.
Parents who raise children with a spouse have a lower risk of depression compared to those who raise children alone, psychologists say. There is no doubt about it. It’s easier to endure difficulties together, the main thing is not to create them for each other.
Hormone surge after childbirth
When the euphoria of having a child wears off, it’s not easy for a woman either. The first six months after the baby is born, hormonal levels change. Hormones “work” very quietly, but at the same time they greatly influence the emotional state of a woman. Usually during such a period, sensitivity to many things increases and mood swings occur. Young mothers react very sharply to any comments or criticism, and can easily burst into tears or lose their temper. First of all, your spouse and other relatives should know about such changes, because due to a lack of understanding of what is happening to a young mother, conflicts very often arise.
If the crisis has come
According to statistics, many couples break up in the first two to three years after the birth of a child. In general, every second couple experiences divorce. Why? After all, it would seem that the birth of a child makes the family complete. What is the reason for the misunderstanding between spouses? Maybe this is due to excessive male pride or female incontinence? I think everything is not so clear...
“The relationship has become simply terrible,” says Ekaterina. “It’s not easy for me to talk about this and admit it, but our relationship is terrible. Every day there is a quarrel, someone is dissatisfied with someone else, and then the mother-in-law adds fuel to the fire. To be honest, I sometimes think about divorce, but then I look at the child and understand that I don’t want to deprive him of a full-fledged family.
“After the birth of our daughter, my husband and I began to quarrel often,” says Anastasia. “We have different views on upbringing and attitude towards a child. We argued so much that when Masha was one year old, we divorced. He already has another woman. I regret that I couldn’t save my family...
“I remember that I used to be surprised how it was like this: they got married, were so happy, and then a child was born, and they separated,” says Alicia. I couldn’t understand or accept this. Now I understand that the birth of a child is a test of family strength. I'm glad we stuck it out. Our relationship has, of course, changed. A new leader has appeared in the family and at the same time the center of the universe.
A change of scenery
In the first few months, getting out with the child further than the nearest park was unthinkable. Walks were limited to the baby's sleep time. It was impossible to leave the newborn with someone other than the mother, since we could breastfeed at any time of the day and many times a day. At that time, we solved the problem of changing the environment by going shopping with a stroller. When the baby grew up a little and began to calmly stay with his dad, my husband and I began to take turns going to the cinema or to do our other business. And since we were able to leave our child with our grandmothers and nanny, my husband and I have been trying to organize joint walks, trips to cafes, bowling, etc.
First about dad
Here’s how Uncle Benjamin Spock sees this problem and its solution: “Deep down, a husband may feel out of place (as a little boy sometimes feels rejected when he learns that his mother is pregnant). Outwardly, this hidden feeling manifests itself in irritability towards his wife, in the desire to spend evenings with friends outside the home, in courting other women. At the same time, the wife finds herself deprived of her husband’s support precisely at the time when she needs it most, when a new, unfamiliar stage of her life begins.”
The great pediatrician of all times shows us that the period of the birth of a baby in a family is difficult not only for his mother, but also for his father. He writes: “Coming to the maternity hospital to visit his wife and child, the husband does not feel like the head of the family - for the staff he is just another visitor... The time comes to bring the family home, but the wife (like the grandmother or other assistants) is only worried about the child, and again the husband plays mainly the role of porter.”
After such words you understand your husband. Why and why sometimes he behaves completely wrong. It simply says resentment and jealousy that now he is not needed, as if he had fulfilled his duty and is now free.
“All the attention hitherto directed to the husband is now given to the child,” Pavel shares his impressions of fatherhood. — By the way, for girls the calling “MOTHER” is much more significant than “WIFE.” Therefore, the husband fades into the background.
“For the first six months I couldn’t understand that in addition to my wife I had a child,” says Arkady. “Then I had to pull myself together. From the feelings - immediately after the maternity hospital, a feeling of gratitude. A little later - a small offense. Then the resentment went away. There was no time to be offended; I had to raise the child.
Benjamin Spock suggests actively including your husband in the process of preparing for childbirth and caring for the baby. Spouses can visit a doctor together, go to consultations and classes to prepare for childbirth. If your husband wants to be present at the birth, do not refuse him. It is not possible to initiate the future father into all the mysteries of the birth of an heir.
For example, my husband limited himself to helping me in the prenatal ward, then I remained surrounded by doctors and obstetricians. After our baby was born and cried, he was invited back to me, or rather, to us... The medical staff congratulated the new dad, the midwife seriously talked about how the birth went, the pediatrician said that the baby was healthy and it was time to wash him, measure and wrap in the first garment. My husband was invited to take part in the examination of our son, where he took the first photographs of the heir.
I never stop telling my husband words of gratitude for his support in difficult times. Then in the prenatal ward I really needed him: we sang, and puffed, and jumped when the contraction was going on... I think such an active participation in the birth brought us together even more, set our future family life in the right, friendly direction.
In the future, I also tried to involve my husband in caring for the baby. Sometimes it was purely symbolic, but it was very important for the atmosphere in the family. In the first days, the task of changing our baby’s diaper baffled our dad, and the process dragged on. But over time, everything began to work out for him; this gave him a reason to be proud in front of his acquaintances and friends. Like a seasoned expert, he shared his observations of his son with mothers on the playground, taught the young and inexperienced, but, of course, as a joke...
Physical and emotional fatigue
With the birth of the baby, young mothers themselves simply objectively do not have the opportunity to give their husband as much attention as he had before. The first months of a baby's life are especially stressful in this regard. The baby spends a lot of time at the breast, he does not yet have any sleep-wake schedule, and he has to change his diaper every hour.
Add to this that sometimes children, up to a certain point, generally feel calm only in their mother’s arms, so the baby has to be constantly rocked to sleep. And also household chores: washing, cleaning, cooking. Even with helpers, any mother gets tired during the day. If there are no assistants, then by the evening the woman simply falls off her feet. In this case, in a free moment, you just want to relax, take a breath.
Physical fatigue is complemented by emotional fatigue. This is felt especially acutely by women who led an active life before maternity leave. For them, being at home with a baby around the clock becomes unbearable. Life turns into Groundhog Day, when every day it’s the same thing, the scenery doesn’t change, there are no new impressions, as well as an influx of new information.
On top of everything else, childless girlfriends and friends begin to move away as there are fewer common interests. A young mother cannot go shopping with her friend, go to a cafe or to the cinema at any time. Her life is mainly subordinated to the interests of the child. The awareness of how a child ties a woman to the house causes a pressing feeling.
And now about mom
A young mother cannot live without special attention and care. Moreover, the husband’s concern should not be limited only to making money. Kind words, a bouquet of flowers just like that, help with housework and child care - sometimes this is enough to keep a strong family together.
“The husband must constantly remember that his wife has it much more difficult than him, especially after returning home from the maternity hospital. Her body experienced radical physiological and hormonal changes. If this is their first child, then the wife cannot help but feel seriously concerned. The child constantly requires enormous nervous and physiological stress from her: In order to give a lot of mental strength to the child, she must receive increased care and attention from her husband,” these golden words belong to our beloved Benjamin Spock.
“The birth of a child in my family was definitely stressful, and even very strong,” says Dmitry. “And here it is very important not to withdraw into yourself, but to talk through all the problems that arise... An abstract understanding that during this period it is very difficult for a woman is not enough. And maybe I’m wrong, but it is the man who bears the very responsibility that everyone talks about... Only, as a rule, they talk about “responsibility for the wife and child,” and here the responsibility for precisely those very things is also important relationship…
“I must say, the men settled down well,” says Konstantin. “A woman carries a child for nine months, then gives birth to him in agony, and then she herself wipes his snot, changes diapers, does not sleep at night... I love and feel sorry for my wife. I try to help her in everything with the child, not only in words, but also in deeds. If possible, I would sit at home with her and our six-month-old son. But the world is designed in such a way that a man needs to go to work.
In addition to all other difficulties, you also need to remember about “postpartum depression” (or “baby blues syndrome”), which, like a bolt from the blue, falls on poor women after the birth of a child. It would seem that we should rejoice: here he is, the long-awaited beloved baby! Healthy, cheerful: but no, the young mother is crying for something, shedding tears, getting upset. According to statistics, every tenth woman giving birth is susceptible to deep postpartum depression, which can last up to a year. Most often these are women 25-45 years old.
Here you definitely need to be aware of the matter in order to safely survive the gloomy period. Doctors say that it’s all about the unstable position of hormones, restructuring of the body, and so on. But I know from myself that the very fact of the birth of a first child is a great shock for a woman. This has definitely never happened to you before! The sensations are, to say the least, impressive... The experience makes your hair stand on end. And I don’t mean physical pain and fear, although that exists too, I’m talking about the psychological feeling. To show this world a new person, a real living person - that’s the point! Here you can get not only depression, but also temporary clouding of your mind.
Your first helpers when postpartum depression sets in are your husband and loved ones. They must clearly understand the nature of your anxiety, unreasonable crying and fears. Under no circumstances should you scold and reproach a poor woman for being overly worried, twitching at every occasion and crying. Treat the young mother with understanding, if you can’t calm her down, then at least don’t escalate the situation yourself, keep silent once again... Remember, this condition is completely normal, and it will pass soon.
At the same time, a young mother herself should not fall into universal sadness and grief. Try to control yourself as much as possible. If it is within your power, try not to lash out at your husband for minor offenses. Sometimes the fatigue accumulated during the day makes us uncontrollable and irritable, but this is not a reason to swear and quarrel with loved ones.
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Changes in figure and appearance
A lot of worries of a woman who has given birth concern her appearance. Extra centimeters in the waist, extra pounds and stretch marks do not go away in one day. Restoring your figure after childbirth is a labor-intensive and slow process. It’s rare that someone manages to regain their previous shape within the first few months.
Basically, the figure is restored during the first year after childbirth, subject to regular exercise.
Naturally, the young mother feels insecure in her new appearance. She begins to feel insufficiently attractive and sexy. Of course, you can look good and well-groomed with any figure and any weight, but sometimes it’s simply impossible to find time for even ordinary feminine charms like manicure and makeup.
All this really “hits” self-esteem, as a result of which the young mother begins to have complexes, withdraws and almost does not make contact with her husband. It is rare, but it happens when the man himself shows dissatisfaction with the changed appearance of his wife. During this period, it is better, on the contrary, to support the young mother, pay attention to her and show her in every possible way that, even despite some metamorphoses, she remains loved and desired.
Expert opinion
We will entrust the summary of today’s conversation to specialist Olga Vladimirovna Kuznetsova, psychologist, teacher at the Pedagogical Institute. A short quick interview will bring together everything that has been said today and will provide guidance for a cloudless future of family life.
— Olga Vladimirovna, in your opinion, what is the reason for the family crisis after the birth of a child?
“When a baby appears in the family, everything concentrates on him. Mom gives him her love, affection and care. And in this situation, dad may feel useless. He may feel that he is forgotten and abandoned, that he is given little love and care. And here the situation can develop in two ways.
The first way to develop relationships: a new “baby” will appear in the house. It is our dad who begins to “be capricious”, or simply avoids the place where “they don’t like him now.” In this situation, the mother remains the strongest. The psychological situation in such a house is unfavorable. And for the baby it is very important. Although he does not understand words yet, he picks up intonation very well.
In general, under no circumstances should you use a child for your own purposes “to strengthen the family” or “to keep your husband.” It is unacceptable to shift responsibility for one’s actions and mistakes onto a small, defenseless child, or to dump one’s problems on him. Only the spouses themselves are responsible for them, both of them.
The second way: a real adult, self-sufficient man appears in the house, who looks at things sensibly, without illusions, and is ready to be strong. His love for the baby and for the mother helps him; he understands that in this situation the baby needs more care than he does. And my mother really needs his support and help. And in order not to be alone with himself or with his “abandonment,” such a dad begins to HELP. And after a while he feels that he is very needed, that he is very loved and expected.
In general, in life it is best to get rid of negative thoughts by starting to do something, and it is better to help those who need help. Inner satisfaction from good done is the best medicine.
- How to solve this problem?
— There are no universal techniques. Each family has its own problems and its own reasons; each family is individual and unique. In complex cases, it is necessary to understand each specific situation. In general, we can say the following: the birth of a child is a test for any relationship, and how the family passes this test depends on both the husband and the wife. If the relationship between husband and wife is built on love, mutual respect, trust, then such a test will only strengthen them. Loving spouses support each other without demanding anything in return.
Tips on how to maintain a happy family after the birth of your first child
Despite all the troubles, difficulties and great physical and moral stress, the birth of a child is an amazing and amazing event. It brings happiness to the family, which can strengthen feelings, respect and mutual understanding in a couple. In order to withstand this difficult period with dignity and save the marriage after the birth of the first child, the following advice to husband and wife will help:
Control your emotions. Constant hysterics, screaming and aggression are unlikely to improve family relationships, rather the opposite. Therefore, at the first signs of growing discontent, it is better to stop, look into yourself, and calmly express your complaints. Try to find a solution that suits both parties. Better yet, come up with a way to relieve stress: go for a run around the house, visit the gym, or have a heart-to-heart talk with your friends.
Maintain a positive mood and look for the positive in everything. The birth of a child is not a miracle?! A little baby gives so many experiences and pleasant sensations. And time will pass, and the child will grow into a full-fledged adult, become a friend, assistant and support for his parents. Is it really not worth going through the sleepless nights and everyday difficulties of the first months for this, thereby preserving a happy family after the birth of the first child? A clear distribution of responsibilities is an important factor in maintaining friendly relationships after the birth of a child. Men sometimes think that maternity leave for a woman is comparable to rest and doing nothing, so the husband also needs to be involved in the care and concern of the first-born. But it’s also harmful to go too far when handing the baby over to a man who has just returned from work. It is advisable to draw up a plan of responsibilities: who does what and when, and help each other with this. In this situation, each family member will have time to do personal affairs, which will help take their minds off everyday problems.
Remember:
- If there is a quarrel between you, put yourself in your spouse’s place. Sometimes this is enough to reconsider the conflict and find its solution;
- do not quarrel with your husband in front of strangers, even if you are right. Can't resist? Show your dissatisfaction silently with your eyes, so that only he can see. Women can do this;
- try to speak according to the “I-message” scheme. That is, express your complaints in this form: “I think that you are wrong!”, and not categorically: “You are wrong!”;
- relatives and friends should not interfere in your relationship, impose themselves and indicate how to care for the child; in the end, responsibility for everything will fall on you;
- Don't add fuel to the fire. Try to reduce the conflict to nothing as soon as possible;
- you can also be wrong, despite the fact that it is more difficult for you;
- this is your husband, and you yourself chose him, which means there is something good in him for which you love him. Try not to forget about the positive aspects of your married life.
Anna Kuznetsova
Saving a marriage or raising a child?
Do not forget that, even after becoming parents, a couple first and foremost remains a man and a woman. There is no need to put a child on a pedestal and worship him, forgetting about yourself. This is especially true for girls who, when their children appear, relegate their husbands to the background. At such moments a man feels unwanted and deprived of attention. It’s no wonder that he has a desire to become needed by another woman.
Proper planning of time will allow you to pay more attention to each other, communicate on previously fascinating topics, and learn something new together. Let it be just a game of checkers or watching your favorite movie - even 20 minutes spent just the two of you will allow you to get closer, renew interest and attraction to each other. This will help maintain a happy marriage when children appear. To implement such a scenario, you will need courage, because media sources are constantly full of messages that you should be good parents. But you shouldn’t give up your own interests for the sake of your children. This will help save the relationship now and protect the couple from “empty nest syndrome” in the future. In addition, parental sacrifice, positioning their desires as unnecessary and unimportant form in children a selfish and narcissistic nature with exorbitant needs.
Postpartum depression
Sometimes there is a whole complex of manifestations called “postpartum depression”. Fortunately, true postpartum depression is very rare. The main symptom of this condition is apathy, a constant feeling of fatigue, a feeling of hopelessness and indifference to one’s own child.
Women suffering from postpartum depression very often demonstrate rejection of their babies, are not responsive to the needs of the baby and do not provide the child with proper care.
Postpartum depression is a medical diagnosis, so don't mistake any gloomy mood for depression. This condition is treated with psychotherapy and special medications prescribed by the doctor.
