Fear of sex: what is it called, where does it come from, how to get rid of it

Relationship with a regular partner

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How to overcome constraint and fear of sex? Stiffness is a serious barrier to achieving pleasure from sex. Not to mention achieving orgasm, the feeling of stiffness will interfere with even sexual arousal. This feeling goes hand in hand with feelings of guilt or anxiety about sex. The origins may also lie in strict upbringing or in some unsuccessful sexual incident from adolescence.

These cases are rather exceptions to the rule, since in general they are not so significant as to interfere with our sex life. But these exceptions still occur, causing us to feel uncomfortable even at the thought of sex and avoid it. The purpose of this article is to change approaches to sex, to make them fundamentally new, to make you understand that you have the right to sexual pleasure.

Causes of phobia

The psychological cause of sexual phobia can be intimidation of a child. The trauma leaves an imprint in the subconscious, and in the future the person begins to experience panic at the mere thought of sexual intercourse.

This happens when parents instill in childhood the idea that sex is bad, trying to protect an immature person from making mistakes, but instead instill fear in her.

Other common reasons:

Violence. If this happened in childhood, then the risk of developing a phobia increases several times. A person identifies sex with something scary and unpleasant. Often the patient feels disgust and hatred towards members of the opposite sex. Women most often experience violence. Panic can begin at the mere thought of sexual contact with the opposite sex.
Negative intimate experience. In this case, we mean actions on the part of the partner that left an unpleasant impression. This can be rough sex, which contributes to the appearance of pain, etc. For a man, a negative experience can be a problem with potency that arose at the most crucial moment.
Diseases of the genital area. Pathologies of the female reproductive system often provoke pain during sex. Subconsciously, people begin to fear sexual intercourse, expecting unpleasant symptoms. A phobia can be triggered by difficult childbirth, endometriosis, fear of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, etc.
Self-rejection. Dissatisfaction with one's appearance and psychological trauma associated with personal importance provoke low self-esteem and fear of sexual contact. In this case, the person is afraid of being ridiculed.

Unpleasant experiences associated with relationships with women can provoke subconscious fear in a man. Self-doubt is reinforced by inaction, and only a psychologist can help.

Sexual fears: where they come from and what to do about them

In this interview, the host of the podcasts “To You or To Me” and “Tea with a Psychologist,” Egor Egorov, talks about fears of intimacy and their causes, the fear of seeming like a “log,” about machismo and ways to combat imposed attitudes.

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Posted by Egor Egorov (@psy_chay)

Fear of intimacy is normal. Fear is a defense system without which we would not survive as a species. Another thing is that sometimes this system works too actively. Most often, fear of sex is social. We are afraid of being rejected, misunderstood, not like everyone else. Most people are afraid that they will be hurt, they are afraid of embarrassing themselves or looking ridiculous. This is the fear of being rejected by a loved one or society. This feeling is almost no different from embarrassment. Shyness, self-consciousness, bashfulness are all just forms of fear.

There are different theories of the origin of these psychological phenomena, but in general it is either a personality trait (then a person is tense and shy in other areas of life) or psychological trauma, or upbringing, or social pressure. Or all together. Another problem that reduces the quality of sexual life is the fear of open conversation about sex and one’s desires.

I think this has to do with stereotypes: for example, a woman should be a “nun” and a prostitute in bed in everyday life, and a man should be a sexual giant with a huge phallus. All these attitudes and idealization make it difficult to openly talk about sex, although the topic is already taboo for many.

The only way to overcome this is to start talking. There are no secret life hacks. Just open up to your partner little by little: first tell something very minor, then move on to more complex topics. It is important to express your thoughts through the “I” pronoun, without becoming personal or blaming anyone. Just tell us what you like and what you would like to improve to make the process even more enjoyable for everyone involved.

In psychotherapy, this is called the method of gradual approximation: you need to break down the solution to a complex problem into small steps and move step by step, starting with a simple one. You need to ask your partner in advance for gentle and careful feedback.

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Don't know what you like? The advice is the same - try it. Try to abandon stereotypes for at least one evening (this can be done, for example, at a sex party. - Ed.) and try something new. Discuss boundaries with your partner in advance, indicate what can be done and what will be too much. If you don’t like something during the process, be sure to say so right away, but not aggressively and gently, keeping in mind your partner’s feelings.

It is possible to get rid of fear on your own, but it is difficult. First of all, you need to abandon the strategy of avoidance - stop pushing away fears, not thinking about them and pretending that there is no problem. If possible, share your thoughts with your loved one. Open conversation about sex is the best way to combat phobias.

During those periods when fears begin to overcome you especially actively, do not drive them away, but look them in the eyes, try to strengthen them. The effect is paradoxical: if you face your fears, they go away. If you drive them away, they intensify and begin to chase you.

Sex education

There is an opinion that “too correct” upbringing can cause sexual problems. Let's first figure out what “too correct” upbringing is. Most often we are talking about restrictions, excessive severity and the desire to protect the child from everything in the world, to lay straw even where it is not necessary. All this results not only in sexual repression, but also more generally - fear of entering adulthood.

This is usually how anxious parents raise their children. They need to pay attention not to the child, but to themselves, so as not to “inherit” anxiety and controversial attitudes. It’s a pity that not all parents understand that they need to work through their traumas with a psychotherapist in order to raise a healthy and happy person.

It is difficult to say who is more likely to have fears of a sexual nature—men or women. The issue of gender is not that important. There are probably very rare phobias that sexologists know about. I'm not a doctor, but I've read a lot of stories that our podcast listeners have sent in.

It seemed to me that men are more often nervous about their sexual strength, masculinity (for example, a girl touched his anus - this often causes panic), the partner’s orgasm - this again goes back to words about “male strength” and self-esteem.

Women worry about how they look. This is not exactly sexual fear, but rather self-doubt and even sometimes dysmorphophobia (obsession with minor defects or features of one’s body. - Ed.), which has passed into the intimate sphere. Another common fear is not to satisfy a man properly, to look inexperienced - what if he later says that you are a “log”.

There is also the fear of pain or unwanted pregnancy. The latter is easy to explain - unfortunately, issues of contraception are often of interest only to women. But most fears still have roots in our patriarchal society and are imposed from the outside.

Who to talk to and who to listen to

Many people find it easier to talk about sex with friends than with their partner. There's nothing wrong with that, but remember that friends aren't always the best advisers. Yes, they can say something useful, but often other people's experiences only intensify their fears. Discuss topics that are difficult for you only with non-toxic people who know how to accept someone else's point of view without criticism, accusations or bias in one direction or another. The same applies to sources of information: sex bloggers, sexologists, psychologists. Listen to those who carry a positive charge.

Who to follow:

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Publication from Masha, come on! (@masha_davay)

Masha Arzamasova

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Publication from TATYANA NIKONOVA (@nikonova.online)

Tatyana Nikonova
I think our podcast with Christina Wazowski “To you or to me?” people like it because everyone is now becoming more conscious, they value pleasure more and want to get positive emotions from intimacy. Women are more attentive to their desires - the times when only men's preferences mattered are becoming a thing of the past, and that's great. Now mutual pleasure and love are valued.

In general, sex education helps many people. This is a good trend that can protect not only from fears, but also, for example, from sexually transmitted diseases.

Manifestations of fear of sex

Symptoms of genophobia can manifest themselves in different ways. One person has an unexpressed clinical picture, while another has a number of psychosomatic syndromes.

Fear of sex in men

The stronger sex is subject to this phobia when there are failures during sex that befell men in the past. This may be due to the lack of erection, ridicule from the woman, etc.

Panic fear of physical intimacy may be accompanied by decreased potency, shortness of breath, increased blood pressure, dizziness, dry mouth and disorientation.

Fear of having sex in women

Fear in women manifests itself in the form of trembling limbs, pale skin, nausea, abdominal pain, diarrhea, frequent urination and dizziness.

In advanced cases, even fainting is possible if left untreated.

The mere thought of sexual intercourse in women is accompanied by unpleasant sensations and causeless fear.

Fear of first sex

This phobia is associated with the fear of pain. Most often, girls who are just entering into intimate life are susceptible to it.

In this case, cramps in the lower abdomen, dizziness and a panic attack may occur.

In men, such fear is associated with a lack of experience and may be accompanied by dry mouth, chills and abdominal pain.

Causes of sexual failure syndrome

Sex is more than just a physical response. Your emotions are also involved in the intimate process. But if your mind is tense and unable to focus on sex, then your body will also not be able to be in an aroused state.

Many different anxieties can lead to a syndrome of anticipation of sexual failure and, as a result, a person may begin to fear sex in general. So, the most common ones include:

Fear that you will not be able to perform well in bed and sexually satisfy your partner;
Negative body image, including concerns about weight, body shape, and physical attractiveness.
Problems in your relationship.
Concern that the genital penis may not “fit.”
Anxiety about ejaculation (premature or insufficient to achieve orgasm).
Worry about not being able to have an orgasm or enjoy sexual experiences.

These anxieties can lead to the release of stress hormones such as adrenaline and norepinephrine.

How to get rid of fear of sex

Specialists can explain how to overcome fear of sex, as well as help the patient accept himself, his individuality and cope with irrational phobia. Ways to eliminate pathology:

Overcoming childhood problems. The psychotherapist tries to understand the cause of the phobia and allows the patient to work through the provoking factor, explaining to him the irrationality of the situation. In this case, various techniques of working with the subconscious are used.
Increasing your own importance. If the problem arose due to low self-esteem, then first of all the psychologist promotes the patient’s personal growth, eliminating far-fetched inferiority complexes. At home, meditation, auto-training and affirmations often help.
Improving relationships with others. To do this, the doctor helps the patient overcome the internal barrier that prevents him from socializing. The psychotherapist explains to the patient the need and safety of expanding boundaries.
Group work. Psychotherapy with the participation of several people allows you to better reveal the problem, giving the patient the opportunity to understand that he is not left alone with his fear.
Taking medications. This method of treatment is considered effective only at the initial stage and allows you to get rid of the psychosomatic manifestations of phobia. To do this, the doctor prescribes anti-anxiety medications, as well as tricyclic antidepressants.

It is difficult to get rid of a phobia at home, especially if the psychological trauma is associated with early childhood. However, it is worth analyzing all critical incidents that could have become a trigger. This could be a fear of one’s own genitals, which was instilled by parents, or situations that provoked a decrease in self-esteem: bullying, ridicule, etc.

Everything that you can remember should be worked through mentally. To do this, you need to close your eyes and remember the traumatic situation. Replay her again, but from the position of an adult. It is important to change the story from negative to positive. You need to replay the problem situation several times.

Fear of sex after childbirth

Many women have noticed that after the birth of a child, the prerogatives in life change a little and intimate relationships are replaced by caring for the baby or just relaxing. Fear of having sex sometimes arises on a psychological level, after suffering during childbirth. There are a number of recommendations given by psychologists that will help overcome this barrier.

Have a romantic evening. Buy sexy lingerie, create a relaxing environment.
Take time to relax, asking for help from grandmothers and nannies. This will help you maintain strength to communicate with your husband.
After a few months, it is recommended to take hormone tests to see if there are any irregularities.
To remove the fear of sex, fight your complexes. Work on yourself and keep in mind that your husband does not love you for your figure.
Choose a position and experts recommend giving preference to options when the woman controls the process.
If a woman is worried about a second pregnancy, it is recommended to take care of contraception.

Fear of anal sex

Many couples, trying to diversify their sex life, go for various experiments, the list of which includes anal contact. There are many reasons that cause fear in a woman.

If appropriate preparation has not been carried out and the wrong technique is used, then serious negative consequences can occur: inflammation, damage to the walls of the rectum, fecal incontinence, infections, and so on.
Fear of anal sex arises from worries about the pain that often occurs during such contact.
Negative attitudes towards such sexual contacts arise due to insufficient information and prejudices.
Previous negative experiences or frightening stories from friends cause the formation of a phobia.

How to stop being afraid of anal sex?

To cope with this type of sexophobia, it is recommended to read the information and reviews of people who practice such relationships. This will help get rid of unreasonable fears. There are other tips on how to stop being afraid of sex:

It is recommended to agree to such experiments only with a partner with whom a trusting relationship has been established.
Preliminary preparation is of great importance, that is, the action should be approached in several stages.
Use additional lubricants and other products to minimize discomfort.

Coping with fear of sexual intercourse

Sex is an important aspect of the human condition, and genophobia can have devastating consequences for those who experience it. Some people choose not to be sexually active, finding meaning and fulfillment outside of sexual experience. However, those who choose asexuality out of fear rather than a healthy choice often feel unfulfilled and alone. Genophobia can also be detrimental to romantic relationships, especially if your partner's level of interest in sex is different from your own.

Genophobia is often treated by sex therapists (sex therapists), who are mental health professionals with advanced training and certification in sex issues. However, most cases of genophobia can also be treated by traditional therapists without additional certification. Additionally, those who experience pain or other medical difficulties during sexual intercourse should seek the advice of a physician.

Dealing with genophobia is never easy. Many people feel shame or embarrassment and are reluctant to share such a deeply personal phobia. However, the treatment is generally successful and the rewards are worth going through the difficult and often emotionally painful process.

"I don't want to hurt her"

Husband calls 14 days later

He: I just wanted to tell you that we don’t want to do anything more to solve this problem of ours. We are just happy together now. My wife has completely changed since we visited you. Therefore, I am ready to sacrifice others... If she is happy now, so what. I don't want to hurt her.

Me: You don’t need that. Give her a little time and she will get better, completely get better. But it would be nice if you shared with her the thoughts that you just expressed to me. Your renunciation will be a testimony of love to her, and this love will heal her.

Also, find yourself some attractive vacation spot. Often, a change of landscape makes it easier to give up old habits and attitudes, takes you out of everyday life and gives you new impulses.

Him: Okay, we'll do that. Thank you!

“I came up and suggested it myself.”

Wife's visit after vacation

She: Doctor, I couldn’t help but come to you and tell you that everything is fine with us now - just as it was at the very beginning. You can imagine, my husband was even ready to sacrifice this! A man in the prime of his life - this is unthinkable! No, no, now that I know how attached we are to each other, that side doesn't scare me anymore. You should have seen the surprise on his face when I came up and suggested it myself... It was happiness for me to show my feelings for him.

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Fear of sex in men

Studies have shown that representatives of the stronger sex, like women, are worried about intimacy with new partners. There are a number of reasons that cause sexphobia.

Many are afraid not to “fall face down in the dirt,” since sexual failures are the most painful for the stronger sex.
The desire to be the best causes the experience of being worse than the previous partner.
There are men whose fear of sex arises due to the small size of their dignity.
There are men who are afraid of intimacy with smart, beautiful or innocent ladies.
Representatives of the stronger sex worry about the shortcomings of their figure no less than women.
Many people are afraid of contracting an STD.

Rape trauma syndrome

Rape is a fundamental violation of the body and mind of the victim. After rape, virtually all survivors experience intense psychological reactions. While not everyone reacts the same way, most people follow a poorly structured three-step path. One way of thinking about the journey from acute trauma to reorganization and finally resolution is known as rape trauma syndrome. As with post-traumatic stress disorder, rape trauma syndrome significantly increases the risk of developing poor mental health. Phobias most often occur during the reorganization phase as survivors try to rebuild their lives, although they can develop at any time. The journey through rape trauma syndrome is very personal and can take months to years to fully resolve.

Fear of first sexual experience

Being afraid before your first sexual intercourse is a completely natural feeling . In medicine, there is a special term “primisodophobia”, which refers to the fear of losing virginity .

Causes of primaisodophobia:

first of all, fear of the unknown , of possible failure;
lack of experience does not increase self-confidence;
physical discomfort : pain, blood, and so on;
fear that the man, having received everything he wanted, will now end all relations with the girl;
condemnation and warning of parents who interpret sex as a base, shameful and forbidden activity;
lack of trust in a partner.

Attention! The causes of a phobia can be purely individual. For example, every girl imagines her first time as a particularly romantic evening, and if reality doesn't match reality, she can get scared.

Or the girl doesn’t really want to part with her innocence, but simply follows the advice of her friends and the persuasion of her boyfriend. In the latter case, fear is caused by the girl's unpreparedness for her first intimacy with a man .

Genophobia

Genophobia, also known as coitophobia, is the fear of sexual intercourse. People with this fear may fear all sexual acts in general or only the sexual act itself in particular. The term genophobia is sometimes used interchangeably with erotophobia or fear of sex, but the two concepts are actually different. Genophobia specifically describes the fear of sexual intercourse, while erotophobia more broadly defines any fear related to sexuality.