Rules for communicating with a teenager: do not complicate a difficult age

Adolescence is considered the most difficult age in life. The first glimpses of independence, self-sufficiency, and self-confidence are complicated by the absolute lack of life experience and the instability of the psyche of young people. This mixture leads to internal, social conflict, expressed in “problematic” maturation.

Psychological work with teenagers, which can be expanded into a training course or made part of individual therapy, helps to establish relationships with others and ourselves. The second option is more preferable, since each difficult teenager requires an individual approach.

A teenager and his problems - the view of science

Experts advise starting psychologist work with teenagers from 11-12 years old.

when there are no obvious problems of mutual misunderstanding or complexes. This age is due to the beginning of powerful psychophysiological transformations of yesterday's child.

At their core, they represent a series of changes in all areas of life:

• the volume of acquired knowledge and practical experience increases sharply;
• more tough character traits appear: uncompromisingness, determination, increased self-esteem;
• the “childish” sense of the world is lost - greater awareness appears, the first elements of responsibility fall on a person’s shoulders;
• the reaction to the opinions of others about the actions, thoughts, goals of the young person intensifies, the factor of denial of authority appears, the formation of an “I” takes place, as valuable and significant as that of adults;
• sexual self-identification occurs, the self-expression of which may acquire more acute features.

All these processes are aggravated by unstable hormonal levels, which cause a feeling of anxiety, uncertainty, and devaluation of abilities. All this continues until the age of 15-16, sometimes until the age of 19.

Leaving a person who has entered the stage of active maturation alone with problems is a huge mistake. You can lose a valuable member of society due to incorrectly built, often simply destroyed, social communications.

That is why the comprehensive work of a psychologist with difficult teenagers, as well as young men who experience problems with self-cognition and self-acceptance, is extremely important.

Consequences

If a teenager who is deeply experiencing the vivid manifestations of the crisis at the age of 13 is not helped, this can negatively affect his health and personal development. The most common complications:

• emotional and behavioral disorders;
• neuroses (diagnosed most often in girls);
• the formation of accentuations, psychopathy and pathological desires (usually observed in boys);
• depression;
• isolation to the point of autism;
• obsessive-compulsive disorder;
• development of stable suspicious, hysterical character traits;
• participation in informal groups, which leads to teenage crime and vagrancy;
• suicide.

So, serious dangers to health and personal development still exist, and the task of parents is to avoid them by all means. Those for whom overcoming the crisis of 13 years is not easy should often remember the words of the American writer Mignon McLaughlin: “The child who is most difficult to cope with is the one of whom we are later most proud.”

Peculiarities of adolescent personality development

The development of a teenager’s personality is particularly influenced by his self-esteem.

It is formed not so much from an adequate perception of advantages and individual shortcomings, but rather on the basis of comparing oneself with teenagers, adults, and idols.

Based on this, the child develops:

• subjective awareness of the degree of femininity or masculinity;
• ability to interact with parents and adult relatives;
• awareness of one’s place in a social group (teenagers, friends, classmates).

Any disapproval, even expressed laconically, soberly, without making it personal, gives rise to anxiety: I was not accepted, I was not understood, I am inferior.

An incompletely formed personality can survive this state of affairs in several ways.

1. Closedness.

   The child stops sharing thoughts, dreams, opinions with others. Withdraw into yourself, become asocial, but at the same time do not give up the thought of proving your strength, will, and talents.

2. Negativism.

   An attempt to help or establish contact is met with passive resistance: why waste energy if there is no chance. Any arguments of adults are devalued.

3. Aggressiveness.

   The child behaves inappropriately and reacts with hostility to attempts to establish contact (active denial). He tries to prove by actions that he is different from the ideals that they are trying to instill in him. Can act “out of the blue” for no apparent reason.

If psychological work with difficult teenagers is not started from the first manifestation of deviation, there is a risk that psychological destabilization will develop into a neurotic disorder. As the anomaly progresses, it can become complicated by addiction to alcohol, chemicals, drugs, complex forms of depression, and suicidal tendencies.

Signs

Some teenagers have no or mild symptoms of the 13-year-old crisis, while others experience a dramatic change in behavior.

Relationships with others:

• conflict;
• opposing oneself to everyone else;
• hostility;
• priority is communication with peers (they run away from home, do not want to spend time with their family);
• passion for virtual communication;
• desire for loneliness, isolation from people (they lock themselves in their room and sit there for several hours);
• confidential heart-to-heart conversations with one or two favorites chosen from the environment.

Behavior:

• emotional imbalance;
• frequent violations of discipline and prohibitions (refuse to perform household duties);
• mood swings;
• hot temper, impulsiveness;
• dissatisfaction, irritation, gloominess.

Internal state:

• increased level of anxiety, restlessness;
• diffidence;
• internal complexes;
• increased demands on yourself (especially on your appearance);
• low self-esteem;
• restructuring of the value system;
• thoughts of suicide;
• intrapersonal conflicts;
• intensive development of self-reflection;
• increased sensitivity to criticism;
• keeping a personal diary.

Cognitive abilities:

• development of abstract logical thinking;
• mechanical execution of exercises according to a given scheme is maintained at a high level, but not everyone copes with creative tasks (write an essay, develop a project);
• passion for music, philosophy, psychology, romance novels and adventures;
• decrease in educational indicators;
• change of hobbies and interests.

Age psychology calls negativism the main new development of the 13-year-old crisis. The teenager perceives everything that happens, everyone around him and himself in a black light, negatively and constantly criticizes. This is due to the formation of self-reflection: he begins to evaluate his own abilities, personal qualities, shortcomings and opportunities against the background of others.

According to statistics, in 20% of cases, teenage negativism is acutely and painfully manifested by uncontrolled emotional outbursts in almost all areas of life. In this case, the child may completely drop out of the family or school for several weeks or months. In 20% of children it is completely absent. 60% of 13-year-olds are potential negativists. They begin to object and conflict only in response to a challenge from the outside (unfair grades from a teacher, betrayal of a friend, excessive prohibitions and restrictions in the family).

How do teenage deviations manifest themselves?

The reason to initiate work with difficult teenagers from a psychologist at school or on an individual basis may be noticeable deviations in their behavior:

• increased conflict situations with parents, teachers, peers;
• a growing crisis in learning caused by deterioration of cognitive functions, poor academic performance, passivity in performing social tasks (participation in sports, extracurricular activities);
• violation of the administrative code, rules of public order, and finally, norms of morality and etiquette;
• complete lack of communication with peers, unwillingness/inability to communicate;
• immaturity of emotions - breakdowns, inability to control the expression of feelings, deviant demonstration;
• accelerated emancipation - the desire for autonomy from adults, vagrancy, lack of interest in everyday and family affairs;
• high interest in subcultures, blind imitation, adherence to norms of behavior, appearance, life values ​​accepted by limited groups as the ultimate truth;
• passion for objects that have reached the peak of fashion, but do not carry an aesthetic or cultural load: stupid viewing of videos, computer games, streams, powerful emotional involvement.

The absence of professional goals also indicates a crisis in the emerging personality

Normally, by the age of 15-17, a child develops a clear understanding of passion, a penchant for certain activities, and a type of science. Difficult teenagers do not have such interests; they have little idea what they will do or how to support themselves.

All this should force teachers or parents to involve a professional psychologist in solving the problem. The faster this happens, the higher the chance of the student returning to a healthy society.

Easy games

— What should a child emerge from adolescence with?

— In theory, after such a storm, a child emerges with his own worldview, with a vision of himself and the world, with goals for the future. He finds what is more valuable and meaningful, leaving all external shockingness behind. It is important that by this time personal baggage has been formed.

- What if he’s not there?

— Yes, some people get stuck in adolescence. I had such a boy in my practice, he was already in his senior year, but he had no idea what would happen next, he didn’t care. It is important to look at values, interests, inclinations. And again, there should be a reasonable, wise adult nearby. This is the main condition on which the future fate of the child depends.

Dad and son.

Mikhail Khaustov

Yes, we cannot take away gadgets, but the child must use them wisely. Why are games so important for a teenager? There you can easily become a winner without putting in any effort and achieve results. And you can achieve results at school only by poring over textbooks.

What to do if you have problems

A common mistake parents and teachers make is to try to convince the child that he is wrong before starting work with a difficult teenager. Such a step provokes an increase in the gap between individuals, aggravates disagreements, and forces the student to close himself off even more.

What psychologists do not advise doing in such situations:

• escalate the situation by putting pressure on the child’s awareness and conscience;
• violate his personal boundaries by trying to find out the reasons for misunderstandings by searching personal belongings, gadgets, reading personal diaries;
• force the child to take actions that you consider correct, but he denies them.

What to do:

• show gentleness and patience - you have already gone through a crisis stage in life, have a difficult experience of communication, and the child has encountered this for the first time, so aggression or ignorance on his part is a normal way of protection;
• try to build communication on equal terms, and not from a position of strength;

It is important to remember that your task does not require proof of your rightness or strength. It is much more important to restore mutual understanding. Therefore, you must be willing to bend, but not bend the teenager to your definition of “right/wrong” behavior. For example, if a child does not want to go to school, first you need to understand the reasons - this article will help.

After the child is convinced that no one is going to break his will, offer him a consultation with a psychologist. This should be done not in an ultimatum form, but gently, unobtrusively.

The choice of the specialist with whom the child will consult should take place with his participation. You should not take a student to a psychotherapist chosen by parents by default. A prerequisite for a psychologist’s fruitful work with a difficult teenager is mutual affection between them.

Learn to control yourself

If you react too emotionally to your child’s misdeeds or even small mistakes, learn to control yourself. Try different techniques: meditation, yoga. If all else fails, make it a rule to discuss difficult issues with your teenager only through correspondence. At least until the emotions subside.

The ability to resolve complex issues despite irritation and anger will be useful to your child in the future. Learn to resolve conflicts together. And if you couldn’t restrain yourself and were rude to a teenager, apologize and admit you were wrong. Set an example of honest and responsible parenting, because it will influence the communication of your children and grandchildren.

Psychological diagnostic methods

Before a psychologist works with a teenager, a comprehensive diagnosis of the patient’s personality is carried out, an analysis of his “I” is carried out, and communication and other problems are identified.

Many techniques are used for this:

• filling out questionnaires authored by R.B. Cattell, K. Leonhard;
• research through tests on the level of aspirations and self-esteem;
• diagnostics of a typical response to crisis and conflict situations according to K. Thomas, Dembo-Rubinstein or Budassi;
• testing the level of anxiety by Ch. Spielberg or J. Taylor;
• diagnostics of interpersonal relationships in the family and team according to T. Cleary’s method;
• determining the type of personality, the degree of its maturation;
• determining the patient's position on the depression scale.

A psychologist reveals a complete understanding of the mechanism of formation of a teenager’s personal “I” through the use of methods: “Repertory grids”, sociometry, sociability questionnaires, the prevalence of impulsive or inert decisions, drawing up an individual map of interests according to the method of E. A. Klimov.

Based on the data obtained, the psychologist will be able to understand what exactly the problem of deviation of the teenager’s behavior is, what “wounds” he is trying to protect through non-acceptance or active aggression, auto-aggression.

Next comes a long process of correcting self-perception, establishing communications with others, and building personal protection characteristic of a healthy personality.

Adult child

— Is it possible to name the age by which, in theory, a person should leave adolescence?

- This is a very individual indicator. Large psychological forums are held on the topic of universal infantilization. Real and psychological ages are moving further and further away from each other.

If we used to say that 18 years old is already adolescence, now it is full adolescence. There is no consensus on why this happens. One of the options is the influence of the most modern environment in which children are cared for and protected more and longer.

The child has to go to school, and we still tie his cap and put on his shoes. Many parents rush to help at the slightest danger, when this help, in general, is not needed, and do not even notice what a disservice they are doing.

Crying.

Open sources.

Help from a psychologist

The main problem of recreating communications and adequate behavioral lines in adolescents is the non-expression of feelings and emotions that arise against the background of interaction with the outside world, with oneself. Misunderstanding, rejection of one’s own aspirations, fear of being misunderstood by loved ones forces tomorrow’s independent individuals to hide their true “I” under a shell of rudeness, aggression, and ignorance.

Forming the acceptance of the true “I”, the ability to be oneself, to defend one’s interests within the framework of socially acceptable variations are the main tasks of a psychologist or psychotherapist.

What does he teach a teenager:

• accept feelings, consider them a normal manifestation, even if they have negative connotations;
• express feelings objectively, calmly, without impulsiveness;
• understand the motives of parents, accept their feelings and experiences;
• take responsibility for actions, feelings, reactions.

Thanks to the methods used, parents and difficult children get the opportunity to look at the situation in the family from the outside. At specialized trainings, they learn to talk about their feelings, desires, express emotions, accept the emotions of other people as they are, without “remaking” the environment to suit their needs.

It is important to understand that correction is required not only by the behavior of the teenager, but also by his parents. In a conflict, both parties are always to blame, therefore, intra-family relationships can only be “cure” by working together on one’s “I”.

Parents must be ready to change themselves, and not just change the child’s character to suit their needs and habits. Thus, a psychologist’s work with a teenage girl prone to aggression will be completely unproductive if parents do not get involved in the process to find the triggers for the child’s inappropriate behavior in themselves.

Communication or sex

— Experts note that the age of first sex is now decreasing. Why do you think this is happening?

— Sex for a teenager is not pleasure, as it happens in adult relationships, but a desire for intimacy, contact, emotions. If a child receives this in full in the family, if he is loved and appreciated, then the likelihood that he will enter into early sexual relationships decreases significantly.

Sex, hugs, love, couple.

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This is typical for both boys and girls to the same extent. Sex is just a way to get new emotions or, on the contrary, to escape from some kind of negativity. Often after such an experience, children suffer, get upset, and feel bad.

The age of first sexual contact is actually decreasing, since the information field is saturated with scenes that are too early for children to see. 8-9 year old children were also brought to me who had already climbed onto porn sites and were trying to play sexually charged games with their peers. They don't know at all what to do with the information they receive.

As soon as we notice that a teenager is experiencing a hormonal shift, it is important to talk with the child about the consequences and responsibility. We also need to discuss the legal side of the issue with boys: why it is better to wait until the age of 18 to have sex.

Teenagers, alcohol.

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— What should parents do who find out about their child’s sexuality after the fact and are shocked?

- It’s the same thing - talking. You need to understand whether these sexual relationships will become regular or whether it will lead to nothing. It is important not to yell or become indignant, but to remain calm and talk about what will happen next.

- Otherwise?

“Otherwise, there is a high probability that the teenager will close himself off and we will not learn anything about where and how he spends his time.” This can lead to the child going crazy to spite his parents: yes, I’m bad and will continue to be bad. Adults must help the child get out of this situation with honor.

Hand. Fear

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Puberty issues

Puberty (puberty) in adolescents is associated with the active production of sex hormones in both boys and girls. Hormonal changes entail changes in the physique, personality, and behavior of the child.

What is the period of puberty characterized by:

• the appearance of the first menstruation in girls and nocturnal emissions in boys;
• changes in height and weight;
• active work of the sebaceous glands, which often causes acne;
• development of mammary glands and rounding of hips in girls;
• the appearance of hair on the armpits and genitals;
• muscle development in boys;
• increased activity of the sweat glands and, as a result, the appearance of a sharp, unpleasant odor of sweat.

“Storm of hormones” entails such symptoms of adolescence as:

• increased interest in the opposite sex, including erotic interest;
• mood swings;
• worries about appearance;
• aggressiveness, irritability, outbursts of anger.

During this period, it is important for parents to:

• put aside shyness and discuss all issues related to puberty. It is better if mom or dad touches on these “sensitive” topics than if the child is “enlightened” by the Internet;
• Under no circumstances should you shame your son or daughter for their increased interest in sexuality. Many parents are horrified when they catch their son masturbating or their daughter watching a porn film. There is nothing terrible about this. Your child is growing. If earlier he was interested in cars, dolls and Legos, today he is interested in the relationship between a man and a woman;
• Do not ridicule the child’s experiences regarding his appearance. It is better to remind your son or daughter once again that all ugly ducklings someday turn into beautiful swans, you just need to wait a little;
• If a teenager is very worried about acne and excess weight, it is worth visiting an endocrinologist.

What dangers await children and parents?

Now let's talk about those things that aggravate a child's adolescence and which parents should pay special attention to:

Bullying at school

A withdrawn and shy child can become an object of bullying, while a cruel and aggressive child can act as a bully. And absolutely all teenagers can act as observers.

The dangers of social networks

Social networks are something that modern children cannot imagine their lives without. But they also carry a certain threat.

A child may face both online bullying and offers to join “death groups” or take part in a game. Recently, an extremely dangerous game called “Run or Die” has become widespread on social networks. Its meaning is as follows: one teenager must cross the road in front of moving traffic, and do it as close as possible, and the second must film this moment on video. After this, the video is posted in the appropriate group, and the participant receives an assessment of his “feat”.

Getting into bad company

Teenagers strive to be involved in the group, to become part of. Therefore, there is a great danger that your child will end up in an “inappropriate” company, where young people commit illegal acts, use alcohol, drugs or smoking mixtures.

Make sure that your child does not associate with bad company and does not harm his health. Install the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.

Early sexual life

Increased interest in the opposite sex, curiosity and hormonal surges often contribute to early sexual contacts in adolescence.

Replacing the real world with a virtual one

Faced with misunderstanding of parents and lack of friends, the child withdraws more and more into himself. For him, immersion in virtual reality is protection from the outside world. In computer games, a teenager “realizes” himself: he accomplishes “feats,” “earns money,” and becomes successful.

Suicidal thoughts

The appearance of thoughts about death in adolescents is associated with conflicts in the family, bullying at school, first love, and lack of friendly relations with classmates.

Decline in school performance

Against the background of a hormonal surge and restructuring of the body, adolescents often experience a decrease in cognitive abilities and loss of interest in learning. In severe cases, asthenic syndrome may develop - increased fatigue, sleep disturbances, frequent headaches, and autonomic disorders.