How to forgive betrayal: advice from a psychologist

Cheating on a loved one is always a terrible shock for his other half. Faced with such a situation, a person experiences a terrible shock, depressing feelings and unbearable pain from betrayal. How to live now, is it possible to forgive the betrayal of a loved one, how to accept the fact that he was close not only to you, but also to someone else. Is it even possible to forgive betrayal, and if so, how long will it take?

Let's try to figure out what betrayal is, what is its difference from betrayal, and how to get rid of the grievances caused by betrayal with minimal losses for yourself.

Treason is betrayal. It doesn't matter whether you jump into bed or slowly crawl into bed. Larisa Andreevna Guzeeva

Treason or betrayal - how to tell the difference?

In relationships between a man and a woman, many different conflict situations can occur.
It also happens that they have only recently started dating, but an invisible connection has already been established between them, which determines the need not only for simple communication, but also for sexual contact.

This is felt especially strongly at the moment when young people in love begin life together (in a so-called civil marriage) and they have certain responsibilities towards each other.

Each of the established couples expects a certain development of the relationship. A woman expects that they will end in marriage, but representatives of the stronger sex do not always expect that their civil marriage with their beloved will end with official registration in the registry office. And if, in this case, betrayal suddenly occurs on the part of a man, then it can most likely be classified as betrayal.

I distinguish between betrayal and infidelity. Cheating concerns the body, infidelity concerns the soul. Christina Kofta

The fact is that by invading a girl’s life, a man in some way changes her usual way of life. For his sake, the lady adjusts the timing of her favorite activities on weekends and changes the schedule of her own free time.

A woman expects the same behavior from her lover, but it often happens that her expectations are simply not met. Men for the most part do not want to change their usual way of life for the sake of their beloved woman, and this is a very unfair quality for their beloved. Indeed, why should she sacrifice her life principles for the sake of love, and he will continue to live as before, without sacrificing anything?

But the whole point is that men are built a little differently. They are not used to limiting themselves in something and losing freedom. The appearance of a new girlfriend and sex with her in the presence of a regular woman is not taken by men as cheating. They reason like this: “What kind of betrayal is this, I’m not married?”

The woman interprets the whole situation with betrayal differently: “Yes, we have not formalized our relationship, but we are already close to each other spiritually!” And men have their own answer to this: “we cheat physically, but spiritually we still remain with our beloved.”

Experts in the field of building and maintaining family relationships advise couples to discuss such situations together in order to understand what awaits their relationship in the future. It is likely that the sex that the man had on the side was nothing more than a coincidence, and it left the stronger sex with only annoyance and disappointment.

Quite possibly something else. The young man does not see anything reprehensible in sex on the side, and does not rule out the repetition of similar situations in the future. And in this case, the woman most likely should decide to end the relationship. Alas, this guy could not see in her the one and only beloved with whom he would be ready to go through life together. Only separation will help save the future peace of both representatives of the couple, and the self-respect of each of them.

Why is it difficult for a woman to forgive betrayal?

If we take a situation from the Stone Age, about the survival of a tribe, then it is obvious that a person must be in a pack and society in order to survive, otherwise he himself will become the prey of the beast, therefore expulsion from the pack is tantamount to death.

Now let’s take a woman from a pack with a child, her task is to tame any man who will look after her and help with survival by bringing food to her and the child. And if such a man does not exist, will she be able to survive without him? This is where the fear of loss and betrayal on the part of a man comes from.

We have not gone far from primitive people, at least in terms of self-preservation instincts. If you know all this information and take it into account, is it possible to forgive a man at least a little and understand him? Just don’t blame me, please, for shielding men and standing in solidarity with them, I’m just conveying the experiences of psychologists and conveying the idea of evolutionary development.

Guide to changing yourself.pdf Subscribe to INSTAGRAM

Reasons for cheating on a loved one

Under no circumstances should one look for any justification for such masculine actions as deception, betrayal and treason. But from a psychological point of view, one can find some explanation for such actions.

There are several psychological reasons that push a man to cheat:

The need for love, formed in childhood, is neurotic in nature. Some boys in childhood do not receive from their parents the love that they need.
Let's say that the mother simply did not have enough time to play with her little son, pay him more attention, and give him maternal affection. The child was in dire need of maternal love, but did not receive it at all, or received it, but not enough.
It is very difficult to solve the problem of parental attention deficit in childhood, so the boy, growing up, carries it into adulthood and tries to solve it there. It is through cheating that an adult man tries to get the love that he lacked as a child.
Read also: Fell in love with a classmate - what to do to make her want to be friends?
Initially, he receives it from one woman, whom he calls his one and only. But then this becomes not enough for him, and he finds himself another lady of his heart. As a result, the representative of the stronger sex receives twice as much tenderness and love, thereby making up for the deficiency of parental love.
Loss of interest and attraction to your lover. Starting to live with one woman, a representative of the stronger sex initially receives both physical and moral satisfaction from this.
But over time, one gets used to the partner, and, as a result, the relationship cools down and loses interest in the beloved. The partner is no longer so attracted to the man, since he cannot surprise her with anything. And at this moment he begins to look for new experiences on the side, trying to plunge into a new wave of emotions and impressions with another woman.
It is extremely important for men to constantly be confident in their own strength, sexuality and irresistibility. And if he doesn’t feel this with his previous partner, then he can only get new emotions and impressions with a new sexual partner.
Excessive parental love in childhood.
Raising boys in childhood is often done not only by mothers, but also by grandmothers. As a result, they receive female attention and love in great abundance, and they become addicted to them. In adult life, a man, on a subconscious level, tries to simulate the same situation that he had in childhood. For such an individual, the attention and love of his wife must necessarily intersect with the attention of his mistress.

As we see, any events, actions and inclinations that we observe in adulthood have a solid basis.
In most cases, this very basis originates in our childhood. Whatever happens to us in life has its own explanation. In modern psychology there are many techniques that can solve such problems that arise in family life. But before you decide to forgive your lover for cheating, you should visit a psychologist to find out about the real reasons for your loved one’s betrayal.

Start with yourself

Before asking for a second chance, there are several issues that a wife should consider. You must be absolutely sure that your husband is the one you want to be with. If there are any doubts about this, it is best to think about where they come from.

You usually only get one chance from a partner, so before you ask for anything, make sure you've made up your mind.

In order for a husband to forgive his wife’s betrayal, you need to part with your lover once and for all, so that there is not a single chance that he will appear in your life again. In addition, you must ensure that your insecurity or impulsiveness does not lead to a similar mistake again. A marriage can't survive this more than once.

Is it worth forgiving the betrayal of a loved one?

Before deciding whether to forgive betrayal or not, you should hide your own emotions deeply.
It will be very difficult to do this, because after such a betrayal everything will seethe and bubble inside you. After betrayal, you will be overwhelmed by a hurricane of feelings, when resentment is overwhelmed by anger, despair is replaced by an aggressive state, and the desire to break off all relations with the traitor is replaced by fear of loneliness. In this case, you should be more collected than ever, showing all your composure and fortitude. It is not the best option to succumb to the influence of negative emotions. You should sit down, calm down and sensibly assess the current situation, and then make the only right decision as to whether you can forgive your lover for betrayal or not. To do this, you should ask yourself a few questions:

What will happen to you if the cheater suddenly disappears from your life? How serious will the separation be for you personally, for your family and child (if you have one).
What happens if the traitor still remains a part of your life. Will you be able to maintain your relationship with your cheater at the same level, will you be able to forgive the betrayal and even improve your relationship with your lover? Do you gain anything by forgiving your cheating spouse?

Try to answer all these questions for yourself, even if you don’t want to touch on painful topics. It is advisable to make a list of the pros and cons of forgiving infidelity. This will contribute to making the right decision, based not on emotions, but on logical reasoning. And after compiling this list, it is worth making a decision about forgiving or not forgiving the betrayal. Decide for yourself whether you can live with a person next to you, knowing that he can betray you.

Treason is a whip that hits you only once - at the moment when you find out about everything. All subsequent time you will cut yourself with it. Evgeniy Panteleev

You should also pay attention to the behavior of the man who cheated on you. What feelings does he experience, does he repent, or is he trying to shield himself? By observing the person you have allowed into your heart, you can understand a lot about his personality. But do not forget that truly noble, brave and strong people have the ability to forgive.

Even if a person, in your opinion, is very bad, he still has the right to a second chance. It's not as scary as it really seems. Paradoxically, it often happens that it is betrayal that further strengthens family ties, making a man and a woman happy and their relationship harmonious.

Is it possible to forgive betrayal

You will have to forgive betrayal in any case. Having gone through a difficult, painful path of mental work from resentment, the desire for revenge to the complete absence of complaints, it will be possible to complete the gelstat and move on, regardless of the chosen direction. When deciding to stay close to the person who committed betrayal, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself.

Much depends on what the relationship between the partners was like, how long the man and woman lived together, whether everything was satisfactory, the circumstances of the adultery that occurred, how great are the chances of using the case of betrayal as a forced, unpleasant, but impetus for strengthening and developing the family.

Having decided to restore the union, you should carry out titanic pair work: restore trust in the deceiver, find a common language. You will have to sit down at the negotiating table, discussing painful situations, this is a necessary practice.

You shouldn’t get personal: “Here you are, your mom, your friends...”. It’s better to discuss personal feelings and emotions: “When you do this, I feel angry (irritated, offended).

The spouses are not enemies, trying to bite each other as painfully as possible, the goal is to come to mutual understanding, to open up in order to better understand the emotions of their husband (wife).

How to survive your husband's betrayal: advice from a psychologist

According to statistics, 3 out of 4 men cheat on their wives. Every fourth woman on this list can consider herself happy and lucky. But what should the other three deceived spouses do? In fact, each situation is individual, but there are things that should never be done, and there are also points that cannot be ignored. What to do if cheating on the part of your husband does occur?

First stage: Control of emotions

When a woman’s betrayal of her beloved man becomes obvious, she is overcome by many feelings, all of them negative: pain, resentment, fear.
In the first days, a woman is driven by precisely these emotions, which are multiplied by the desire for revenge. This is where it is very important to keep your feelings under control. You need to accept the fact that betrayal has already happened. This event cannot be changed. Under no circumstances should you “go all out”: go on sprees, drink until you pass out and sleep with any man who wants it. Yes, this can help for a very short time, or to be more precise, until the morning, but time will pass, emotions will subside, and shame for one’s behavior can poison life for a long time. You need to distance yourself from the problem, but in such a way as to preserve your dignity. The best way is to go somewhere to relax. If you can’t leave because of work, children, financial reasons and other difficulties, then you should start visiting theaters, cinema, and exhibitions. Art, oddly enough, can make a person forget about pain for a while and turn his thoughts in a different direction. It will also help to meet people who are easy to communicate with and who are also capable, if necessary, of playing the role of a “diaper-type vest,” and if not necessary, just not prying into your soul again.

During this period, you should not get hung up on the fact of betrayal, engage in soul-searching and curse your husband to the seventh generation. This will not change the situation, there will be no relief, it will only worsen the pain and resentment. If it’s unbearable, it’s better to cry, roar from the heart, driving out all the negativity from yourself and making room for positivity and a new life.

Next stage: Transformation

Even if a woman always takes care of herself, additional investment in her image is simply necessary!
After all, after her husband’s betrayal, a woman is subconsciously tormented by the same questions: “Am I really worse than her? Am I really that unattractive and uninteresting?” In this case, nothing increases a woman’s self-esteem and self-confidence more than the compliments of other men. You can change your hairstyle, clothing style, update your wardrobe. The main thing is not to resort to such drastic changes that do not correspond to the woman’s character. A multi-colored mohawk on the head and a miniskirt will require changes in both character and behavior, and this will require additional vitality, which is already lacking in this situation. Therefore, it will be quite simple to improve your image by adding a few bright and eye-catching accents.

Final stage: Life is the same, but the values are different

When the emotions subside and the pain dulls, you need to analyze the situation: what caused the betrayal?
If the problem is that the man he loves is simply promiscuous, and endless affairs on the side are the essence of his nature, then the woman needs to draw the appropriate conclusions for herself and avoid relationships with this type of man in the future. If the reason for the betrayal was the woman’s behavior, her lifestyle, then you need to decide for yourself: either change something in yourself so that the situation does not repeat itself, or understand that nothing needs to be changed, and the beloved man was not the one for whom he is worth it. sacrifice oneself. It is also necessary to understand that every woman, first of all, must love herself. You need to learn to be selfish from time to time, of course, not to the detriment of the family, children, but so that for some time the whole world lies at the feet of a woman, and she feels like a queen: a little capricious, a little arrogant, but desired and loved.

Revenge for my husband's betrayal

Having discovered the fact of her husband’s betrayal, the woman, under the influence of emotions, decides to take revenge on him.
With revenge, she tries to prove to her lover that she is also free to do as she pleases, and in this case we are talking about sexual contact with another man. This idea is very bad, because it will bring nothing but an even greater feeling of guilt and devastation from within. Having entered into sexual contact with another man, the lady will then only be tormented by the thoughts “why am I better than my beloved, the same traitor.” Such self-deprecation often deals an irreparable blow to a woman’s pride and self-esteem.

Despite the fact that revenge has taken place, the cheating offender seems to have been punished, and you have proven to everyone that you still retain your attractiveness and sexuality in the eyes of the opposite sex, from now on you will have to live with a feeling of guilt towards your loved one, constantly looking away when talking to him.

In general, the situation with betrayal will repeat itself, but now in a mirror image, and now you will have to beg your lover’s forgiveness for the betrayal. Think about whether you need such a state of affairs when inside, in your soul, the fire of resentment for the betrayal of your beloved guy has not yet died out? It is likely that you do not need a second betrayal.

Is there life after a loved one's betrayal?

Suppose that after the betrayal of your beloved man, you managed to overcome grievances and forgive him for such an offense. Mutual understanding has been restored to the family, and the betrayal itself is forgotten. Very often, betrayal only benefits family relationships.

Couples in love become even closer and dearer to each other.
Overcoming adversities and troubles together brings a man and a woman closer, making their marriage only stronger. Marriage statistics show that if spouses in a family have experienced infidelity and overcome the adversity associated with it, then their union can well be called strong and reliable. This may seem incomprehensible, but after experiencing betrayal, spouses begin to trust each other much more, and the fairer sex suddenly begins to feel more confident. We can, of course, say that the past ordeal changed both spouses. And, of course, the betrayal was only confirmation that the love between these two is truly real.

The situation is completely different if your lover, after cheating, begins to irritate you incredibly, and your soul is constantly tormented by doubts as to whether you will be able to live and communicate in the future with this person.

In this state of affairs, the best way out would be separation, since only with its help can you try to maintain calm and self-control towards each other.

For such people, close, family and, especially, family relationships become impossible, but you can maintain friendship and continue to communicate with each other (for example, for the sake of a child). Moreover, it will be much easier to do this without preserving family relationships, but by parting like civilized and adult people.

Undoubtedly, after all these squabbles are over, a woman will have to draw certain conclusions for herself and
pay attention to the following data
:

What kind of underwear does she wear at home, what does she wear when relaxing?
Every self-respecting lady should know that it is lingerie that makes a woman sexy and attractive in the eyes of a man.
Most women know about this, but over time, a certain relaxation occurs and self-care fades into the background. And completely in vain!
You should look at yourself carefully in the mirror, assessing it with an outside glance.
How do you look in front of your loved one when there is no need to do makeup and hair when going out, so to speak, in public?
How regularly do you maintain your own physical fitness?
Do you go to a swimming pool or gym? If you don’t have such activities in your life yet, be sure to start doing them. You can even enlist the support of a friend (or friends). This will allow you to combine sports activities that are beneficial for your figure with friendly communication.
If there are children in your family, then they should be protected from discussing the unpleasant relationships of adults.
On the contrary, you should constantly emphasize that you love each other, and, of course, dote on your children.

How to forget about what happened and move on with your life

Do not engage in self-deprecation, do not compare yourself with your spouse’s mistress. Instead, focus on your own development.

A husband's infidelity can serve as an excellent motivation for drastic life changes. Sign up for a fitness class, start going to the pool, go on a trip, or even quit your boring job.

To improve your life after betrayal and the departure of your spouse, listen to the following advice from psychologists:

Learn to listen actively. This skill consists of showing genuine interest in what worries the interlocutor, his experiences and events. Respect what is interesting to the people around you, do not put your needs above all else.
Learn to trust your spouse again. Of course, it’s easy to give such advice, but to put it into practice... One day, a deceived woman will find it difficult to begin to trust her partner who betrayed her again. Each couple has its own methods of resolving this issue: in some, the man initially allows his wife to control his calls and messages, in others, the husband and wife restore the relationship based on trust.
Do not try to take emotional revenge on your unfaithful spouse by cheating in return with the first man you meet, so as not to regret it later.

How to forgive your spouse for cheating? Psychologists advise going for reconciliation only after you have analyzed the current situation in detail and found out the reasons for the infidelity. Betrayal will weigh heavily on your shoulders; be prepared for the fact that you will be able to restore lost trust in your husband only after many months or even years.

Try to listen to the man, perhaps he will find the right words to explain what happened

It is unlikely that you will be able to return to your previous relationship after cheating. A new stage awaits you or you will find that your marriage has exhausted itself. What was before will no longer be in your life, so it’s not always worth trying to hold on to the past.

What does it mean to survive betrayal?

Many psychologists use the concept of experiencing betrayal. Ordinary people who find themselves in such a difficult situation do not understand what it means to survive betrayal, what should be done for this?

There are several important rules here:

First of all, if you catch your spouse cheating, do not take any drastic and rash actions. Don't immediately think about who is right and who is wrong
. First, give free rein to your emotions and feelings. They won’t let you make the wrong decision!
The main thing to understand is that you have the right to experience any sensations and feelings for the period of time that you need.
Don't judge yourself
, and even more so, sharing negative impressions of what happened with those who might judge you. At this stage, it is extremely important for both parties to speak out, to tell everything that is now happening in their souls.
The ideal solution for such a conversation would be a visit to a psychologist’s office. Perhaps this meeting will be associated with pain, fear or shame, but during the consultations (yes, there will be many of them), the specialist will look at what feelings arise in a person who has experienced betrayal by his other half.

This feeling can be fatigue from a difficult relationship with a once beloved, and detachment, and coldness, and loss of interest.
It is likely that the psychologist’s client will eventually come to the conclusion that there is no love at all, and that all that remains is a feeling of sadness that everything is long gone, and the habit of being around an unloved person all the time.
It may turn out differently. A person will understand that even after exposing the traitor, he has tender love feelings remained
.
It is from them that he will need to draw strength to forgive and build more serious, deep and lasting relationships. Perhaps it is at such a moment that you will understand how dear and loving the person who changed you is.
The “first” emotions that overtook you after receiving information about your partner’s betrayal, you need to be able to exhale and let go. Without this, you will not be able to realize your true feelings for your spouse.
Immediately after betrayal for many people Losing trust in your partner
. You won't be able to get him back without having a frank conversation with each other about your feelings. And here both spouses should prepare for mutual accusations and insults.
As a rule, such a conversation begins with a negative assessment of the partner (a bastard, a bastard, etc.), then there is an accusation against him (they say, you ruined my whole life, or I gave you my whole life, and you...) and the actual At the end there is a reproach, often presented in the form of a question (how can I live after everything?).
To better imagine what happens to a person listening to such an angry tirade, you just need to imagine yourself in his place. All these words will give him a complete feeling that he is a worthless person, not worthy of forgiveness and understanding. He will have a huge sense of his own guilt and shame.
In such a situation, he is unlikely to want to ask for forgiveness or hug you at this moment. More likely, he will make excuses, or he will choose attack tactics, attacking you with mutual accusations (they say that it is your fault that he cheated). In the end, he may not be able to stand the accusations and simply run away from you.

Is it possible to avoid cheating in the future?

Cheating cannot be considered the reason for the breakdown of your relationship with your other half. This is rather a consequence.

It wouldn’t even occur to either spouse to cheat just like that.
First, there is some discord in the relationship, and only then against this background does betrayal occur. Even if it seems to you that the betrayal occurred for no apparent reason, then you are deeply mistaken. Perhaps you simply missed the moment when family relationships took a negative turn.

Unfortunately, until now experts have not been able to find a universal recipe that would help many couples avoid infidelity. For each individual case it is worth looking for your own solution to the problem. But how can you recognize the alarm bell that signals that love has begun to crumble?

Despite all the nuances, there are several important levers that will help spouses avoid cheating. True, you should learn to use them correctly.

In family relationships, you should never tolerate disrespect towards your partner.

Many married couples make a huge mistake, sorting things out with each other in a raised voice, uttering insulting and not entirely flattering words towards each other.
Knowing about their weak points, they “hit” each other where it hurts the most. It seems to many that after reconciliation, all these offensive phrases spoken in the heat of emotion are forgotten. But no, the words, unfortunately, do not return back to their authors, but remain in the souls of those to whom they were addressed.

Alas, respect in this scenario completely disappears, and, as you know, without respect one cannot talk about the harmonious development of relations between lovers. We can say that betrayal becomes the logical conclusion of outdated love.

You need to constantly monitor your appearance

No matter how much family partners love each other, they should not forget about their own appearance.
No matter how strange it may sound, it is appearance that plays one of the main roles in the relationship between a man and a woman. When a representative of the fairer sex stops caring for herself, her man, on a subconscious level, begins to look for a more attractive object for courtship on the side. No, love for your wife, of course, does not go away, but men, as you know, love with their eyes and want to see an attractive woman next to them.

Don't allow indifference in relationships

Partners in family relationships often forget to show due attention to their loved ones and do not look at the happy and unsuccessful moments in the life of their other half.
The spouses seem to be confident that they have love, but at the same time they experience a certain indifference. What kind of love can we talk about in this case in a family where everyone is for himself? And in relationships where there is no love, betrayal often becomes a natural phenomenon.

Constantly fight for your own love

The nature of betrayal can be completely different. Sometimes they can only be provocations of ill-wishers, and sometimes even ordinary inventions of their own.

If you really have feelings for your partner, fight for your own love.
Even if it is too painful and unclear how you can continue to live with a person who could betray you, do not forget that in our life all situations can be interpreted in two ways. Try to look at the situation from a different angle. It is likely that the current crisis will become a new stage in family relationships, which will only strengthen them. If you find the strength to forgive your lover and return your old feelings, then, without a doubt, you will be able to find family happiness again.

Klyushnikova Renata · Jul 26, 2021

What to demand from a cheating husband during a quick reconciliation?

What to demand from a cheating husband during a quick reconciliation? I foresee that for many wives this question is one of the most pressing. Therefore, I will try to be as specific and useful as possible. To do this, I’ll immediately make a reservation: reconciling a wife with an unfaithful or problematic husband can pursue two completely different goals.

Task 1. “Receive your dividends.” Here we are talking about the actual purchase by the husband of the right to complete freedom of his actions, including communication with his mistress/s. According to the “at least a tuft of wool from a black sheep” scheme, the wife demands as payment for the moral suffering caused to her (often physical, if the husband infected his wife with a venereal disease or beat him) something expensive: the notorious fur coats, apartments, cars, jewelry products, trips to foreign resorts, cards to prestigious fitness clubs, spas, etc. and so on. Husbands usually understand that they are really to blame and quite easily agree to this deal. While clearly understanding three things:

— In the process of the conflict around this betrayal, the specific cost of the husband’s right to conduct future “left” intimate relationships was determined. One year of passionate sex with a secretary, accountant, stripper, trainee, old girlfriend (etc.), for example, is equal to an amount from 50,000 to 500,000 rubles. Here the thickness of the husband’s wallet and the size of the wife’s requests are taken into account.

- Accordingly, if the husband plans to continue the existing “left” relationship or start a new one, then for him this turns into a question not of morality, but of the availability of the money that will be required to regulate this issue in the future with his indignant wife. Outraged, however, no longer by the fact of the betrayal itself, but by the fact that it turned out to be unpaid, and the husband was thus cheating as a “free-rider hare.” It is appropriate to note that in my work practice, hundreds of times I have encountered such wives who, without hesitation, told me that they were looking forward to the new capture of their husband red-handed for adultery, in order to again receive something significant from him as a ransom. And in general: everything valuable that they have in life, they received only after their husband was caught in infidelity. It's difficult to comment on anything here. Especially considering that the husband himself, of course, knows about these sentiments of his wife. And his desire to hide the fact of new infidelities from his wife is no longer a desire to save the family, but only a desire to evade the next indemnity payments. Such husbands often tell me that a strong desire to have complete freedom in “left” family relationships seriously motivates them to increase their income, since this allows them to maintain a solvent balance in relation to their wives and mistresses. Allegedly, sexual promiscuity in this case is an important element of their success in life and, supposedly, their wives understand and accept this. For my part, I note that this situation sooner or later ends in the division of all acquired property either between a husband and his wife during divorce proceedings, or between a husband, wife and mistresses (often with joint children). Or a similar division between the husband and his mistress(es), if he manages to hide this fact from his wife.

“In addition, the husband gradually begins to understand that his wife’s desire to save the family has only a material aspect: she is very sorry to lose such a money bag that is able to pay for the whims of several women at once. From here the thought may come into a man’s head that his mistress in this sense looks much better. And no matter how strange it may sound, it’s even more moral. The husband thinks: “My friend simply loves me, she is ready to experience significant inconvenience for my sake, to wait for me for many years. But my wife just makes money from me.” Thus, in a paradoxical way, a castling occurs in the assessment of events: in the husband’s mind, the wife and mistress seem to change places. Which gradually psychologically prepares the husband to file for divorce of his own free will. Often at the most inappropriate moment for a legal wife, when she has just begun to enjoy the fact that she periodically receives compensation payments from her husband for having a mistress.

This scheme seems incorrect to me. She does not save the family at all, she only postpones the moment of its destruction until the moment when the husband is completely morally and financially ready to start his family life with another girl. As practice shows, at this moment the wife is usually not ready for divorce either morally or financially... Which confirms one of the patterns in our life.

Winning tactically, locally, in the present,

we often lose strategically, in the future.

So I strongly advise wives not to be deluded by the illusions of material wealth and not to sell themselves to unfaithful husbands. These husbands can still be brought into the necessary framework and the family can be saved if we firmly move towards solving problem No. 2.

Task 2. “Carry out educational work with your husband in order to preserve the family.” The task in this case is noticeably more difficult, but it pays off either with the prospects for improving future family life, or by making it completely clear that it is no longer expected. Which, even in the last, saddest case, gives the wife the opportunity to at least quickly put an end to dangerous illusions and save her life time, go through a divorce faster and create a new couple in the future. However, in this book the focus is on the positive, that is, on preserving the family nest. And here, as in the matter of reconstructing a dilapidated house, you need to dig to the very bottom, that is, to the foundation. And the foundation of any strong family is not so much love as mutual respect and trust. Accordingly, the process of sorting out relationships after adultery has occurred in a couple where both partners are interested in maintaining the relationship should not be aimed at mutual insults or division of property, but at completing the following five steps.

Five first steps to reconciliation after your husband cheated

Step 1. The unfaithful husband demonstrates complete repentance for his actions and asks for forgiveness. When a wife finds out about cheating and starts a conversation with her husband on this topic, we expect from the unfaithful husband not a loud angry roar and a counterattack according to the scheme “look at yourself, you are also good and all the troubles of the family are from you alone,” but a nervous walking back and forth, silence, mostly calls to himself to “calm down,” and then repentance, tears, suppressed sobs and those words of love and tenderness that this wife had not heard for a long time. For example, falling to your knees or trying to hug your wife with words that clearly express extreme mental pain: “Dear, beloved, forgive me, such a fool! I don’t know how this happened... I understand that I am very guilty before you and our children! I tried to fix everything, the matter had, in principle, been decided long ago... There were literally days left to finish it all, but I simply didn’t have time... Oh woe to me, the unfortunate one. I ask you again and again, forgive me!”

If an unfaithful husband cries and says similar words, I think this is a good start to the educational process. But there are some nuances here. Most wives prefer to attack their unfaithful husbands when they do not expect it at all, and try their best to put pressure on them until they break down morally and tell everything. In this case, there are reasons for wives. Only my duty is to warn that the psychology of many men is such that during a massive attack, if they were not prepared for it, some of them have initial panic turning into aggression, while others have a desire to temporarily leave their home and with a proudly raised run away headlong to your parents, friends or lover. A smart wife should not allow this to happen, since in this case the likelihood of complete collapse of the family increases sharply. When no one really wants it.

Moreover, such situations in life are not at all uncommon. There is simply a category of men who believe that if their wife suddenly starts yelling at them, then, regardless of whether he is actually guilty or not, family relationships in this case are already completely exhausted. Since, in their opinion, the wife will henceforth talk to her husband only in this way. And I really don’t want this.

This also includes such a common mistake of wives as threatening their husband with immediate filing for divorce. In a situation where the husband’s guilt has not yet been clarified and not recognized by him, this threat is taken seriously by few people (except for those men who are losers and/or live in their wife’s living space). The husband shrugs his shoulders in response and says: “Well, please, give it to me!” But, if you really want a divorce so badly, then let’s tone it down. In general, why should we quarrel with you today and find out something if tomorrow we still file for divorce?! Logical? Let me calmly watch the football game, while you write the text of the application to the court and the scheme for the division of property... Tomorrow, with a fresh mind, we will discuss everything, sign and submit...” In this case, the wife finds herself in a difficult position, the tone is lowered, the moral advantage passes to the husband, and the entire prepared plan for the conversation collapses.

Hence, I recommend that those wives who started a conversation about their husband’s infidelity, but were met with stern silence, aggression or ironic dismissal (they say, you have once again raised your favorite topic), do so. The wife says: “You don’t want to communicate with me... Okay. Then I will now unilaterally give you the facts about your betrayal that I know. Then I give you an hour to think about everything, make a decision whether you need a family... After that, you will tell me everything you want to say in this unpleasant situation. If you admit your guilt and tell everything honestly, then we have a chance of reconciliation. If you deceive me or play the silent game, I reserve the right to do as I decide. I hope you heard me. Now I inform you of what I know...”

If your unfaithful husband stubbornly refuses to admit anything and tries to hush up the situation, file for divorce and behave according to models 5 and 6, when the husband and wife are in divorce proceedings but live together, or model 7, described in Chapter 15. If the husband still honestly admits the fact of betrayal, this is already a good sign (if, of course, it can be good in such an unkind situation) and you can move on to the next step.

Step 2. More or less complete restoration of the picture of the betrayal that occurred. Truth, truth and once again truth is the cure for all diseases. No matter how bitter and unpleasant it may be. Therefore, after the husband admits his guilt, it is important to honestly and frankly reveal all the details of the origin of the “love triangle”. Worried and confused, the unfaithful husband must still tell the whole “love story”, including reporting the data of the fatal lady who led him astray: last name, first name, patronymic, age, place of work, circumstances of the relationship, frequency of meetings , the number and names of friends and relatives involved in this relationship, display of her page and photo on social networks, voluntary issuance of her phone number. Immediately guarantee your husband complete confidentiality. And the fact that you are not going to personally communicate with his passion, tear out her hair or talk about her connection with your husband on every corner.

It is clear that much in the husband’s story will be distorted or left unsaid. Moreover, it is very rare that any husband honestly admits that it was he who initiated the relationship. Almost all unfaithful husbands touchingly say that “everything happened while intoxicated,” “this girl is a friend of a friend of mine, and they introduced me to her,” “on a business trip, we were forced to spend the night in the same room... we woke up hugging,” “ I just helped her get through a difficult period, and then somehow everything started to spin…” and other tales.

In general, to adequately understand what happened, I recommend following the following principle. If you want to understand how your husband began to have a “left relationship,” remember how it all began for you. If your husband met you on his own initiative, impudently and impudently, lured you into bed himself and did it quite quickly - it means that everything was about the same in his betrayal: he is primarily to blame and active. It will be very difficult to change it in the future until the ardor itself fades away with age. If your husband started out with you as a motherfucker, or your marriage is generally a merit only of your own enterprise, then his story can and should be believed: he was actually taken over by someone who quickly realized that they could and needed manipulate. You can even feel sorry for such a husband. And you should take into account: you can’t leave it unattended for a long time: no matter the hour, they’ll clean it up again...

Having stated that you will not learn all the circumstances of your husband’s betrayal from him, I advise you not to delve into the bed scenes: what happened there, in what position and whether he liked the other woman. The fact is that husbands foolishly answer honestly, and such sincere answers to these sensitive questions greatly distort and break the female psyche. Having the goal of “forgive and forget,” many wives in practice cannot do this after reconciliation, primarily because of their extreme impressionability in the matter of intimacy. So I really don’t recommend going into this deeply.

If the overall picture of the betrayal has become clearer, you can safely move on to the next stage. If your husband persists in his family heresy and is silent, it is quite possible that he is not being cunning, but simply slow-witted: being in a temporary stupor, he is simply not able to select the necessary facts. In this situation, you can either give him an hour again for him to select in his head the materials to be declassified, or temporarily pause the implementation of this item and move on to the next step.

Step 3. Immediate severance by the husband of the “left” relationship discovered by his wife. Moreover, the word “immediate” means an immediate break and nothing more. This means that an unfaithful husband is obliged to immediately inform his mistress in front of his wife in several duplicate ways that their relationship is completely over. In particular, write the classic phrase via SMS or on the Internet social network: “My wife knows about our connection. I'm very embarrassed. I think our relationship was a mistake. There are no claims against you. I take the blame upon myself. We will never communicate again. Delete my phone number. I also ask you not to disturb me or my family anymore.” If the wife considers this very important for herself, she may demand that her husband say all these words to his mistress over the phone in her presence. But, as mentioned above, no insults or threats! I definitely don’t recommend writing SMS, emails or calling the wife to her husband’s mistress. The wife's sphere of responsibility and prerogative is her own husband and nothing more. He is guilty, he must be punished. A mistress is a stranger and should not be touched. An exception cannot even be a sister who slept with her husband or a close friend of her wife, her work colleague, a friend’s wife, etc. In all cases, immediately after betrayal is discovered, these people automatically lose their status and henceforth turn into “invisibles”, communicating with whom is strictly prohibited. And if so, then there is no point in burning your nerves by asking them over the phone or in a personal meeting the banal: “Well, how could you agree to a relationship with a married man?!” If she could, then she could. There is nothing more to find out here!

If the husband’s mistress is in frequent personal contact with him, the husband must undertake to stop all communication once. Change your mobile phone number, be absent from social networks for several months, and not attend events and holidays where she might be. Don't go out to the places she likes to go. Stop contacting those of her friends, acquaintances and relatives with whom he communicated at the height of their relationship. If the mistress is a colleague of the husband, he is obliged to make every effort to either change his place of work himself, or to have the lady of his heart commit a similar act. If the mistress is a subordinate of her husband, they should all the more stop working together.

I would like to draw your attention to the fact that my practice clearly shows: if a husband strives with all his might to maintain personal contact with his wife’s revealed mistress (under the pretext that she is a valuable employee, the girl is going through a difficult period in her life and needs help, etc. .), asks his wife to give him days, weeks or months to resolve this issue, the “left” connection is almost always revived. First of all, because for the mistress herself, the fact that a man cannot hurt her and disappear forever is the surest sign that she is very dear to him and therefore she has a chance! It is not surprising that on the part of the mistress, even with all the moral suffering when she receives an SMS with a command to end all relationships, there is still hope for a successful development of the situation for her. So the girl tries to remain “white and fluffy” as before, which increases her attractiveness to her husband. It also awakens in his psyche a whole range of different feelings, ranging from compassion to shame and responsibility for her future. As you yourself understand, it is technically impossible to strengthen the family through all this. Therefore, I advise you never to give unfaithful husbands time to smoothly complete the betrayal revealed by your wife: either an immediate “goodbye!” mistress (which causes her to react with resentment towards her married lover and makes it difficult to restore the relationship), or the wife’s demonstrative resentment and her statement that she may file for divorce in the near future. And fulfillment of this promise.

Step 4. If the husband repents, you should immediately reconcile. But only on the wife’s terms and reconciliation must be formalized only in writing! The husband's display of prudence must be supported, no matter how strongly the wife is inclined to continue the scandal. If she has made a decision to save her family, she needs to save it! As soon as the husband openly asks for forgiveness and reconciliation, the wife should tell him: “Dear! Our child and I are very glad that, despite your misconduct, you value us. But for our peace of mind, I would like you to make a written commitment to eliminate such situations in the future. I ask you to take a piece of paper and write the following on it: “I, your husband’s full name, having made a fundamental decision to save my family, take upon myself all the blame and responsibility for what happened, I undertake to never again allow flirting, love and intimate relationships (in any form) with other women. I will cherish my wife and child, spend all my free time with my family, promptly express to my wife any complaints I have against her, and always listen to her criticism and wishes. I also guarantee that I will never leave my family again.”

As an expert, I will immediately express to you my wish to never limit yourself to just receiving a vague promise like: “Never cheat or date anyone again!!!”, but to indicate in the text exactly as suggested – “in any form.” More than once I have met dodgy husbands who, when the situation with their wife went into a calm direction:

— had virtual sex with girls on the phone or Skype;

— visited massage parlors with an erotic bias;

— did not consider oral sex or petting with a secretary to be sex at all;

- maintained intimate relationships with those (long-time) mistresses about whom the wife simply knew nothing.

At the same time, they proved to both the wife and the psychologist until their throats were hoarse that this was no longer cheating and they allegedly did not agree on abstaining from such actions. I still advise you to take this circumstance into account.

Unfortunately, there are noticeably more cunning people than smart ones.

It is also important to understand that mechanically returning you to that family time when your husband had not yet left the family, or you did not know that he had another woman, will do little to help you be happy in your marriage. After all, if all this has already happened, you probably had other complaints against your husband. It is at the moment of his repentance and return that it is time to take measures to eliminate them too. Therefore, in this text, which can be titled “Settlement Agreement” or “Letter of Guarantee,” it is also important to prescribe the exclusion in the future of all those prerequisites that led to the emergence of a “left” relationship with the husband. For example:

If the husband was dragged into them by his womanizing friends, this is what is written: “I also undertake to end my friendships with problematic friends, always spend the night only at home, and exclude vacations and corporate events without my wife.”

If the husband clearly abuses alcohol, the letter of guarantee states in black and white: “I undertake to forever eliminate the use of alcohol or drink it in small doses no more than once a week/month.”

If a husband is often rude to his wife or may have hit her, the text provides: “I will never again insult my wife or raise my hand against her.”

If your husband behaves disgustingly and completely undeservedly towards your relatives and friends, it is indicated: “I undertake to respect the parents and friends of my wife, to communicate with them exclusively kindly.”

If all the years of your family life the husband avoided creating and maintaining a common family budget, the couple lived each with their own separate pocket, you should stipulate the abolition of this vicious practice: “I undertake to create a single family budget and always agree with my wife on all my income and expenses.”

If the husband was an obvious or hidden parasite, the letter of guarantee states that he is obliged to go to work within a reasonable time.

If the husband refused to help his wife in everyday life and in caring for children, this clause should also be included in the text of your contract.

And so on, on all those points that bother you. During reconciliation, I directly advise women living in a civil marriage to put forward a demand for the speedy official registration of marriage! Do not sign a peace treaty, do not have sex with your common-law husband and do not move back until an application is submitted to the registry office! Be gentle - blame yourself!

For those women who have a child, the husband is wealthy, but the wife and child do not have their own property (especially if the couple lives not in an official, but in a civil marriage), I advise, as a condition of reconciliation, to demand that the child legally receive at least a share in the apartment! Otherwise, after the next conflict, you will again be forced to return to your mother or to rented housing! And this way, you will finally have a home where you can calmly raise your child without fear of being evicted with your belongings. Moreover, for the father this requirement is not offensive: he is giving the apartment not to his wife, but to his own child. There is no defeat of the husband here, there is a victory of reason and care for children!

I draw your attention to the fact that, based on the principle of family honesty, at the time of reconciliation, you are obliged to ask your returning husband what requirements for you personally he would like to write down in your conciliatory text. And if you recognize the validity of his demands, then you will also codify them. For example: “...On my part, as a wife, I take upon myself the obligation to lose weight by ... a kilogram, not to go to sleep separately from my husband, not to go to visit my parents, girlfriends or on vacation alone without my husband, to learn to cook better, not to stay too long work, not nagging your husband about everyday trifles, washing clothes on time, being more friendly to his parents, supporting his passion for sports, etc.”

If your husband refuses to write or sign this document, you can say everything orally and record it on a voice recorder or mobile phone. You can also say all this in a solemn atmosphere, in the presence of relatives or friends who came to you on the occasion of your reconciliation. But, again, I strongly advise you to record all this! Even the ancient Romans said: “Words fly away, but what is written remains!” Your unfaithful husband won't suddenly stop being problematic simply because he stayed at home (or returned to it) and you believed him. And if after some time he again begins to make family mistakes, it is best to point out to him the specific points of your agreements that he violated. In my practice, written contracts of this kind are very effective. They save hundreds of marriages simply because the husband has no room for error. Otherwise, it will be obvious to everyone around that he personally takes the blame for the destruction of the family.

If you make peace with your husband after a serious offense has been inflicted on you without written or verbal recorded guarantees, the author will consider that you have made a serious mistake, for which you will have to pay in the future. Reconciliation between husband and wife without mutual concessions and guarantees, even scanty and conditional ones, is about the same as instead of officially registering a marriage at the registry office, you agreed to live in a civil marriage and have already become pregnant. That is, in principle, you can live, but you will always be in tension and expecting something unpleasant. Letting your cheating husband back into your apartment, into your bed and into your soul, without his repentance and guarantees of improved behavior, is reminiscent of letting the well-known horned artiodactyl into the garden. Whether you need this, or whether it makes sense to let your sinful spouse go, think about his behavior for a couple of weeks so that he is still ripe for accepting written obligations, it’s up to you to decide! But I still advise you to defend your rights.

It is also important to say this. I even have couples where, in order to strengthen their responsibility and their self-control, the husbands who returned from their mistresses even indicated in settlement agreements with their wives that they were ready to give up their share in the apartment or the car if they violated their obligations. The letter of guarantee states something like: “We, the undersigned spouses, Igor and Antonina Ivanov, having made a fundamental decision to preserve family relations after the crisis that occurred through Igor’s fault, agree that in the event of betrayal of any of the spouses, a joint decision is made to ending our marriage relationship. During the subsequent division of property, the spouse convicted of adultery can claim only one third of the jointly acquired family property, the other two-thirds go to the second spouse, who has maintained his reputation unblemished. The property acquired by the husband and wife before marriage remains their sole property....” Etc. and so on.

Over more than twenty years of work as a family psychologist, I had to be present at the writing of more than a thousand such contracts. Harsh practice shows: It not only works, but how it works! This, of course, is not a full-fledged marriage contract, but the threat of punishment with a “ruble” for the womanizer and the pre-agreed impossibility of reconciling after committing infidelity sometimes work miracles. And all parties remain happy in the end: after all, the family is preserved! Exceptions for me occur only if one of the partners turns out to be an alcoholic who is unable to keep his word. But with alcoholics, everything usually ends in divorce.

When your husband himself voluntarily made efforts to reconcile with you and restore your family, agreed to put in writing his guarantees of decent behavior in the future, in essence the incident is over. Your couple lowers the tone of the conversation, the spouses also agree on the following:

- children should not know about what happened between mom and dad;

- husband and wife refrain from communicating information about infidelity to their relatives and friends.

These points are very important! After all, my observations clearly show: in those families where seemingly reconciled spouses continue to complain about each other to their children, relatives and friends, this necessarily spoils the moral and psychological atmosphere in the family and again provokes the husband and wife into conflicts. Therefore, if there is peace in the family, then keep your mouth shut!

Step 5. Continue ongoing monitoring of the husband. Life teaches us every day that we should never relax and consider all the issues in our lives resolved once and for all. From here, I tell you another important point. Some especially cunning men, who allow their betrayal to be quickly deciphered by a jealous wife, but who still expect to continue their relationship, agree in advance with their mistress that if suddenly the husband calls and rudely says that everything is over between them, or sends the corresponding SMS, then this doesn't really mean anything. A few days later he will start calling from a different phone number and their meetings will continue. Therefore, for a period of up to about six months, it makes sense for the spouse to periodically monitor the spouse’s life schedule to ensure his complete sincerity.

The most important thing at this time (as throughout the rest of family life) is to exclude any reasons for jealousy of both spouses. Since jealousy is usually a consequence of a lack of information about where the “other half” is now and what the “other half” is doing, immediately after reconciliation it is important to create a regime of truly “transparent” family relationships. This term includes the fact that spouses must know and implement the following:

Ten elements of transparency in marital relationships:

In the evening or morning, spouses are required to exchange their plans for the entire current or next day, to know the usual pattern of study, work and each other’s movements around the city (town). In the evening, spouses should brief each other on the final (in fact) outline of the past day, taking into account the adjustments that were made to the originally planned schedule: where you were, who you saw, what you talked about, what you achieved, etc.
Spouses never spend vacations apart, do not go to their relatives alone for a long time (except for the need to provide them with medical or other assistance), and do not leave home in the event of major quarrels.
Spouses are required to know the home addresses, telephone numbers of parents, friends, acquaintances of each other, and have every right to call them to obtain the necessary information.
Spouses must personally know each other's core set of friends and colleagues, have at least a general personality characteristic, the typical behavior of those people with whom the “other half” often communicates.
Spouses have the right to know the passwords for each other’s personal pages on Internet social networks.
Spouses have the right to pick up and use each other's mobile phones.
Spouses should know each other's approximate income and expenses.
Spouses should know why the “other half” looks today in such a solemn or sexy way.
Spouses should know where each other's gifts come from, who exactly gives them and why.
Most of the spouses’ non-work activities should be joint: going shopping together, visiting, going to a cafe, going to the movies, going on vacation, visiting their parents, etc.

In addition, any unplanned meetings and even small changes in the schedule of movement around the city should not be a secret for the partner! Otherwise, your partner can easily calculate the time difference between you finishing work (study) and returning home and suspect the fact of new infidelities. Which will lead to a new aggravation of relations in the family.

If you need special personal time to earn a little extra money, talking to someone with whom you had a previous family relationship, secretly buying your “other half” a birthday gift (etc.) is best. honestly warn each other about this. As a last resort, say that you need an hour or two for “cunning purposes” and immediately emphasize that a little later you will tell and show everything in full. Then actually do it. Then jealousy will be silent. Well, or grumble just a little.

It should also be warned that in our information age it is not recommended to turn off your mobile and satellite phones or not pick up the phone. Any inconsistencies and lack of an alibi instantly sow doubts, awakening not only jealousy, but also recent bitter memories. Remember:

One missed call can decide your fate

family relationships that have lasted for years...

Warn your husband: If he has a dangerous habit of turning off his mobile phone or forgetting the handset in the car, then one day he may receive a coldly sarcastic message of something like this: “When you finish, call me back!”, “Well, what did they give you?” or “I’m already very tired of all this! Sorry, but you don’t have to come home anymore...”

It is for this reason that you agree that you will always keep your mobile phones within your hearing range, and be sure to warn each other when you find yourself in places where radio communication is very unstable. Let us know when you turn off your phone due to the start of lectures, planning sessions or meetings. Remember: Sending an SMS warning about why and for what period you turn off your phone is much easier than then explaining what and with whom the person was doing for a whole hour, when THIS actually takes no more than fifteen minutes!

Remarque

Which fire do you think is easier to put out: one that is barely burning or one that is already blazing with all its might? Of course, which has just begun to flare up! Everything is exactly the same in family psychology. Therefore, if you yourself love your cheating husband, and he makes every effort to reconcile right away - make peace! This will not be a sign of your weakness. This will be a manifestation of your intelligence. But only if a written agreement is drawn up, providing for certain sanctions against the violator of the fragile family peace. If it doesn’t exist, then you’ve definitely shown weakness! However, your situation will still not be hopeless. If your husband again begins to give reasons for jealousy or collect things, now act more firmly.

Attention: This article was created based on chapters from the books by Andrei Zberovsky “If your husband cheated or left, and you want to return him back to the family”, “Familyquakes: what can threaten your marriage”, “Sharp corners of young families”, “How assess the strength of your marriage." I recommend that you read these works in full. This may be useful to you.

Sincerely, family psychologist, Doctor of Science, Professor Andrey Zberovsky.