When your wife is a narcissist: 7 dangers in a relationship

“Who do narcissists usually become attached to? To anyone: parents, children, spouses, friends, even business partners. Narcissists are attracted to anyone who is willing to endlessly shower them with attention, admiration, appreciation and love,” explains psychotherapist Christine Hammond. The narcissist's ego requires constant feeding, so he looks for someone who is ready to admire and indulge him. For example, for Maria, her husband became such a person.

“If a narcissist develops an unhealthy attachment to one of the children, he becomes the favorite, and the others are practically forgotten. Everything is forgiven to the favorite, but “forgotten” children, on the contrary, are punished for every little thing. Unfortunately for pets, such relationships with parents can cause them as much harm as their “forgotten” brothers and sisters.

The beloved child and his narcissistic parent merge into one. When such a child grows up and gets married, the parent refuses to recognize his husband or wife and constantly tries to destroy their relationship,” explains the expert.

Using the example of Philip and Mary, we will consider seven dangers that await someone who has become the object of narcissistic affection.

7. Fear of provoking a scene of jealousy

Philip could not communicate with friends without Mary's approval. Because of her, his relationship with his best friend and relatives deteriorated. She forced him to change jobs and insisted that they move to the other side of town. If he struck up a friendship with someone, she would make a scandal: they say, he doesn’t love her anymore.

Philip needed psychotherapy to realize how destructive a narcissist's attachment can be. After some time, he was ready to enter into a healthy relationship.

The concept of narcissism and the impact on human character

The very concept of “narcissism” has been known in psychology for a long time. This term comes from the ancient legend about the young man Narcissus who loves himself excessively. The story, unfortunately, is quite sad.

Narcissism is a state of mind and behavioral characteristics of a narcissistic person, manifested in various stages: both healthy and pathological. The famous psychologist Robert Welder introduced the term “narcissistic personality type” in 1925, which manifests itself in excessive self-love. Since 1968, the American Psychiatric Association first used the term “narcissistic personality disorder,” thus designating a pathological form of the disease. These disorders may be mild, moderate or severe.

It is quite difficult to communicate with people who have such a mental illness, since they are, first of all, busy “scratching their ego behind the ear.”

Narcissistic women should be distinguished from self-sufficient individuals who have achieved a lot in life thanks to their work and education - they have a well-deserved right to a high assessment of their merits.

The character traits inherent in narcissists have a very negative impact on a person. The main difference between such people is the unreasonable cultivation and elevation of their personality above all other members of society.

Where do legs come from?

Signs of narcissism in women are not uncommon. The painful desire for ideality does not arise out of nowhere.

It, like a flower, blooms on fertile soil, previously fertilized by its parents.

Psychology often associates personality disorders with errors in upbringing. And this is exactly such a case. The female narcissist is the adult version of the little girl who is often devalued and humiliated.

Her parents actively play on the feeling of shame, comparing their daughter with other children. “Look what your brother has achieved,” “Aren’t you ashamed of being so stupid,” “You don’t deserve this” were frequent phrases she heard from her mom and dad.

She was praised only for high and truly significant results. An A in mathematics or second place in an Olympiad is not a reason for pride or encouragement.

A gold medal or an unconditional victory in a competition are achievements worthy of parental praise.

Excessive concern for appearance

You can meet ladies who regularly monitor their appearance. The goal is quite clear, because you want to look perfect in any life situation. Ladies believe that if they are beautiful and well-groomed, they can put forward new demands on their environment.

Her own appearance always comes first for such a lady. You can also recall a banal situation: she is ready to spend most of her income on her appearance.

Photo: Pixabay

What it is

The term “narcissism” itself comes from Narcissus, the hero of the myths of Ancient Greece. The narcissistic young man was very handsome and did not reciprocate the nymph Echo. The gods sentenced the handsome man to admire his face through the reflection in the water.

Narcissism is considered in psychology as a kind of disease that can change a person’s personal qualities. The patient is not able to sensibly evaluate his behavior. He is capable of the most disgusting acts for the sake of victory.

Some children show a sense of narcissism. However, this does not indicate the development of narcissism in them. Such behavior will not cause any harm and will disappear over time if the parents are involved in raising the child, and his personality develops harmoniously and competently.

The reasons for this phenomenon include:

• low self-esteem;
• excessive parental care;
• psychological trauma;
• permissiveness in childhood.

Some scientists are convinced that narcissism is hereditary.

Circle Six – Juicer

If you are still in the relationship despite the obvious destruction of your personality and health that occurred in the previous stage, then you move on to a new level of merciless abuse. The “juicer” will finally transform you from a person into a thing, a set of necessary functions.

First of all, your health will become completely unusable, which can be caused by dietary restrictions, refusal to buy medications or necessary care, insistence on pregnancy or abortion, not to mention the lack of basic help in running the home and raising children. Such neglect of a loved one (“neglect”) can take different forms – from deprivation of sleep and rest, overfeeding or underfeeding, forced changes in appearance, including operations, to driving one crazy and being placed in a psychiatric clinic. It is also quite possible to drive the victim to suicide.

In parallel with undermining your health, your narcissist will create threats to your safety, interfere with your work or creativity, harm your projects, extort money, publicly ridicule, induce you to engage in sexual practices that are unacceptable to you or cheat on you, and simply force you to do anything or everything. instead of him, simultaneously spreading vile gossip about you and converting your friends and acquaintances to his side.

The goal of the aggressor is to achieve complete control, as well as your complete isolation, to deprive you of a circle of support and the opportunity to ask for help.

You are given the image of a clingy neurasthenic, a pathological jealous person, a brainless fool and other inadequate people. Violence is taking increasingly savage forms, including deliberate damage to what is dear to you, including cruel treatment or even killing of your pets. The narcissist may also threaten you with serious harm or suicide. At this stage, leaving requires a huge amount of mental and physical strength, the ability not to succumb to threats or exhortations that will certainly follow the announcement of your departure.

How to live with a narcissist

There is no universal answer to this question - the options will depend both on the degree of narcissism of the hero, and on the type of relationship and your own personality. In any case, it is important to recognize the problem and accept the fact that this is a person with a very specific view of the world, for whom arguments that are obvious or convincing in your opinion may not work. If the pathology is strong, it is better to avoid close contacts; if the traits are moderate, you can try to persuade the person to undergo therapy. Which, most likely, you both will need, because, as already mentioned, people with other neurotic disorders are often drawn to narcissists, and understanding your psychological “bugs” is no less important here than improving relationships with a relative or partner.

Narcissists are tested by questions

Researchers led by Brad Bushman, a professor of communication and psychology at Ohio State University, evaluated a series of eleven independent studies involving 2,250 subjects. And the result is more than amazing: there is an easy way to expose a narcissist - ask him! No kidding. Psychologists typically use a list of at least 40 complex questions to identify or assess narcissistic personality.

However, according to Bradman, one question is enough: on a scale from 1 to 7, how much do you agree with the statement: “I am a narcissist”?

Of course, the question is not too subtle or rhetorical, but is actually quite flat: are you a narcissist or not? But maybe that's why it works - because of the nature of the narcissist. Bushman believes that the more narcissistic a person is, the more likely he is to agree with this statement and place himself on a higher level.

Other tests that measure narcissism also produce comparable results: narcissists do not deny their narcissism because they do not see it as an undesirable personality structure. They love themselves because they are so cool.

Photo by Bernard Lee: Pexels

Why is this so? In a sense, this may be naivety, but at the same time honesty: the narcissist cannot deny that he considers himself great, and does not want to do so. Or as Oscar Wilde once put it: “Self-love is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” And he was a real narcissist, but also a wonderful writer.

Circle Nine – Dance on the Bones

Consumed by hatred, the narcissist seizes or orchestrates every opportunity to take revenge. He is capable of tripling the persecution, harassing you in any possible way: denunciations, calls, making your secrets public, endless visits while drunk or otherwise insane, acts of physical aggression. Persecution (“stalking”) is also common, in which alternating threats and cajoling are possible.

In especially serious cases, a destructive person who is “stuck” on you will prefer to destroy you than to lose you forever.

Narcissistic woman in a relationship

Men who fall in love with a narcissistic girl have a difficult time in relationships. Sometimes it seems to them that such a problem was sent to them by heaven as punishment for some karmic debt. In men, narcissistic behavior manifests itself primarily in focusing on one's own achievements. Whereas ladies are more likely to attract attention by focusing on their appearance.

There are main signs of a narcissistic woman in a relationship:

• The lady demands too much attention and gifts from her boyfriend.
• All relationships are built only around the needs of this person. The couple visits only those places that the woman wants to visit.
• The chosen one is not interested in the life of her man. She is bored by his stories, friends and hobbies.
• She is unable to sincerely empathize with men's concerns.
• Requires constant reporting from the chosen one about his affairs and pastimes.
• She carefully selects her wardrobe, accessories and cosmetics. She is a regular visitor to beauty salons, fitness centers and boutiques.
• Demands, rather than asks, money from men to improve their appearance and to visit stores.
• She devotes a lot of time to creating her ideal image.

A narcissistic girl is a little simpler in relationships than an older woman. After all, her character is still to some extent just being formed and, with the right attitude towards her, her behavior is quite possible to correct. You just need to do this extremely carefully and patiently, taking as a basis your love and, accordingly, making plans for your future together.

The signs of a narcissistic girl in a relationship are very similar to those of women. The only difference is their inconstancy, hypertrophy and “fairy-tale” claims and requests from the series: “Go there, I don’t know where, and bring something, I don’t know what.”

Circle two – Seduction

You will feel like you have finally found your soul mate. A narcissist is able to adapt to you, your views and values, and give you all the romance that is written about in books and shown in films. He will extol you like no one has ever done before. Taking advantage of the euphoria, he will fall in love with himself in a short time; one or two weeks - and you're already hooked

. At the same time, it doesn’t matter whether he spoke about love, you are already, due to a combination of factors, reinforced concretely convinced of reciprocity. Your “obsession” with thoughts about your partner, a strange state of mind and actions unusual for you only confirm the presence of a high, unearthly feeling.

How to defeat him?

How to come out of a relationship as a winner? Once again, your most powerful weapon is knowledge. If you know that this is a perverted narcissist, stop communicating with him.

Is it impossible to stop communicating? Stop it in the social role you had. Let him turn from a husband into a cohabitant, and from a cohabitant into a rental neighbor.

If there are serious flaws in the picture that the narcissist forms around himself, it is not difficult to put him in his place. The bubble that he pumped up around himself exists largely due to his victims, previous and present.

How can I take revenge on him? You, as a loved one, may know a lot. That the tie your friends praised so much was bought with a credit card. What exotic trips did mom actually pay for?

That everyone thinks he knows Swedish only because there is no one to check it. Narcissists love to show off, but they are afraid of exposure like fire.

This can also be an excellent revenge for wasted time, energy, emotions and other resources.

When, after a divorce, yesterday’s enviable man remains ridiculed, abandoned and poor, you will be able to experience over and over again the very emotions that he stole from you all these strange years.

Shame and devaluation

Why is this happening? Neuroscience on this topic has not yet offered a clear explanation (except for individual studies indicating a lack of gray matter in the parts of the brain responsible for empathy and emotional regulation), and psychoanalysts who have most deeply developed the topic believed that this type of personality is formed due to inadequate acute reaction to a feeling of shame: the worst thing is when people around you think

you are bad, and the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist is the public unveiling of his apparent perfection and the discovery of his true insignificance (and everything that is not ideal is perceived by him as insignificant). There is a widespread belief that the easiest way to raise a child to be a narcissist is by constantly pampering him and inappropriately appreciating his talents, but the observations of many psychologists testify to the effectiveness of the combination of “exuberant praise for meeting high standards” plus “rejection for everything that parents consider bad behavior ( especially if this behavior is, in general, natural for a child, for example, pranks).” Then the baby quickly learns that he is good when he seems good, and no one needs him when he simply is himself, with his weaknesses and shortcomings.

Narcissists, on the one hand, willingly devalue other people’s achievements in order to protect themselves from comparisons that are not in their favor, but on the other hand, their own merits are also always not enough for them. Therefore, their apparent complacency is a soap bubble (this is worth keeping in mind more so as not to get angry at such behavior, and not in order to hit narcissists where it hurts: they are capable of a lot in protecting their ideal “I”).

Due to his specificity, the narcissist is incapable of truly close relationships: he perceives his partner as a mirror to reflect himself (more precisely, his best sides). Therefore, novels often begin with idealization (“What a delightful trophy that will emphasize my uniqueness!”), and end with disappointment and an attempt to change the partner to suit one’s growing needs, without really taking into account the boundaries of his personality. Actually, this is where so many unhappy love stories come from. On the other hand, it is worth remembering that it is also not easy for the narcissist himself: it is impossible to relax and show oneself to mere mortals, even with a spouse.

Olga Gumanova, psychologist:

“It’s easier for other severe neurotics to survive next to such a person, but for others it’s difficult, it’s too cold. Narcissists love to form alliances with schizoids - in such a pair, the extroverted and sociable narcissist can be responsible for relations with the outside world, and the schizoid maintains his own world and the common world of the couple, about which he can fantasize a lot, but he feels good in it. He keeps in silence the image of Narcissus the Magnificent."

Children of narcissists experience increased psychological stress and often grow up with trauma. Typically, narcissistic parents give birth to children not out of love for children, but as another proof of their success and wealth in life. In addition, as in the case of equal partners, such mothers and fathers have a poor sense of personal boundaries and perceive the baby as an extension of themselves, trying to correct his real and apparent shortcomings by any means.

Olga Gumanova:

“Children from narcissistic families may consciously or unconsciously seek out the same narcissistic partners, cling to them, become dependent on them, try to overcome their coldness, indifference and contempt, and earn love. Where they are rejected, where they are neglected, that’s where they are drawn.”

Constructive, destructive and other forms of narcissism

Depending on the extent to which a person exhibits the narcissistic part, the form of narcissism is classified.

If a person knows how to control his narcissistic manifestations and relies on an analysis of facts, then this is constructive narcissism - the only form of healthy manifestation of the trait. A moderate dose of self-confidence, a claim to the highest rewards and evaluations from others shapes behavior that contributes to the achievement of various goals. Constructive narcissism helps you position yourself correctly in interviews and negotiations, skillfully promote your own projects, and make the necessary contacts.

There are many more negative forms of narcissism, and they all belong to the destructive direction. Such behavior can destroy a person’s personality (auto-aggression), his family or social life, cause harm to health (even suicide), and also negatively affect society as a whole. Destructive narcissism can be presented in the following classifications:

• Somatic and cerebral narcissists (according to the French psychoanalyst Andre Green). People differ in the subject of their own painful fixation. For example, somatic narcissists are fixated on the beauty of their own body (they constantly admire it, take care of it, take pictures, etc.), while cerebral narcissists admire their intellectual and creative abilities.
• Perverted narcissism (malignant, antisocial). It stands out as a separate type of personality disorder, in which a person lacks concepts of morality and conscience, as well as the ability to empathize. These are criminals and manipulators, tyrants and despots, with a high level of aggressiveness, rancor, and desire for revenge. Emotional experiences that grip such narcissists, for example, motivated by jealousy, often lead to murder. In close relationships, they are characterized by psychological abuse, gaslighting, lack of respect for the partner and a constant desire to dominate. A favorite technique for achieving one’s own goals is to “turn around” the situation and interpret it in a completely unusual way - so as to form a new, advantageous picture. For example, where the aggressor is presented as the injured party or the other is accused of his own lies.
• “Amorous narcissists,” identified by the American psychologist Theodore Millon, put romantic experiences at the forefront; moments of flirtation and seduction are important to them. Through falling in love with another person, such a narcissist gains a sense of self-worth and superiority.
• Compensatory - those who internally feel their own inferiority. It is not inflated self-esteem, but the desire to compensate for one’s own insignificance that forces a person to constantly seek admiration and attention.

This classification helps to understand the manifestations of narcissism in life, but is conditional. Forms of personality disorder can flow into one another depending on the social environment, and can also be combined with each other.

Separately, it is worth highlighting pathological narcissism, which is classified as a personality disorder and may require therapy in a neuropsychiatric hospital during periods of exacerbation. Often this stage of development of the narcissistic part of the personality is accompanied by a lack of criticism, objective perception of reality, delusions of grandeur and psychotic disorders.

Circle four – Ice shower

This is the first direct act of aggression against you. Sudden, cruel, cynical and... unmotivated. The narcissist uses various techniques as an “ice shower”: sudden disappearance without explanation; causeless cooling; treason; total depreciation; disruption of any serious event or event, including a wedding; self-exposure (“leave me, I’m vicious to the core”), and possible physical violence. During the ice shower stage, the narcissist often uses gaslighting. –

making you doubt your own sanity when he denies what he said or did. Pinned to the wall by irrefutable evidence, he immediately “leaks the topic” and switches to analyzing your shortcomings.

In any case, the impression should be created that it is you and only you who are to blame for everything.

Often, an “icy shower” hits you immediately after a situation of special intimacy, sexual or simply emotional, as it seemed, complete mutual understanding. The “ice shower” is intended to scare the possible loss of a relationship and stimulate subsequent obedience.

When trying to stop this madness and break the connection, the narcissistic personality puts on a “sugar show” - asks for forgiveness, takes pity, for example, with health problems and vows not to do this again. It's just a manipulation that works well. They are simply incapable of sincere repentance, as you will see very soon.

How to treat narcissistic personality disorder:

1. Behavioral and cognitive psychotherapy.
2. Group classes with relatives.
3. Drug therapy.

The problem is aggravated if, against the background of a pre-existing disease, symptoms of prolonged depression, phobias and panic attacks appear. In this case, we should talk not only about psychotherapy, but also about supporting the body with medications that are prescribed after the examination.

Quite often, patients are prescribed alimemazine antipsychotics. The latter have a multifaceted effect on the patient’s body. The main properties of the drug include a mild sedative effect, which is accompanied by a decrease in the reaction to external stimuli. Alimemazine antipsychotics reduce feelings of fear, panic, suppress signs of aggression, and even hallucinations.

It is important to note that after a course of taking modern antipsychotics, patients do not become addicted. They have a very gentle effect on the human body, causing virtually no side effects.

Taking antidepressants, antipsychotics, and herbal medicine can alleviate the narcissist’s condition, but it should be understood that an important part of the effectiveness of treatment directly depends on sessions with a psychologist and the supervision of a psychiatrist.

To move narcissism “from its place”, only one thing is necessary - a person’s desire to admit that he needs the help of a specialist. At the Salvation clinic, all services are provided on an anonymous basis. This means that after treatment, the patient’s reputation will remain “clean”.

Experts are sure that NPD begins in childhood. Narcissism is inherent in every child in a healthy, refined form. Correcting narcissism is not always treatable. In some cases, it may take more than one month to restore normal behavior.

Psychologists and psychiatrists advise engaging in preventive work from an early age. Under no circumstances should a child suffer from a lack of love and attention, but you should not allow your child to manipulate you.

Preventive work to eliminate manifestations of NPD is primarily aimed at developing empathy, as well as the formation of high and “healthy” self-esteem. Preventive work can be carried out in the form of a game, starting from 3 years.

Causes

The roots of the problem go back to early childhood. In a harmonious family, the birth of a child brings joy. In the first months of life, parents experience unconditional love towards him. All manifestations of the baby cause delight and tenderness. He becomes the center of mom's life for a while. Satisfying his needs is of paramount importance. Over time, a child's world expands

He realizes: there are people around with whom he also needs to share his mother’s love and attention. This is how a baby learns to love

Mom is the first teacher of love. The mother's coldness, lack of empathy, warmth, and attention already in infancy forms the pathological traits of narcissism. The desire to make up for the lack of maternal love and tenderness will haunt such a person into adulthood. He will imagine himself as the universal center, while hiding pain and anger, he will idealize his parents.

Another reason for the development of narcissism is early evaluation of children. The child receives an assessment and becomes attached to the concepts of “good” and “bad”

Parents reward their child with love and attention only for success. And in the future his whole life will be geared towards getting high scores.

When a child is not given the understanding that he is valuable in himself, but is required to constantly prove himself, narcissistic injury occurs.

A narcissistic mother or the same father raises a young narcissist in their own image and likeness. The baby is not recognized as a separate person, but only serves as a means to satisfy their needs and fulfill their desires. The child's character traits and temperament are not accepted. Feelings, needs, desires are ignored. It is believed that they do not exist. Personality is devalued. The baby is forced to constantly be on the verge of rejection. In an attempt to survive, to gain a little warmth and a feeling of closeness, the child, imitating his parents, begins to devalue and reject the part of himself that his parents condemn and try to eradicate.

In such an environment, a narcissistic personality is not always formed. The trace of such upbringing in character can manifest itself in a special sensitivity to shame and difficulty maintaining boundaries in relationships. Individuals with narcissistic injury, like narcissists, tend to make excessive efforts to maintain a sense of self-worth or meekly obey others, fearing outbursts of anger and aggression.

Excessive love and admiration of parents for their children can sow narcissistic traits in a child’s character. From childhood they can be extolled and praised. Adults are afraid that an inferiority complex will develop, especially if the child clearly showed his talent very early or the parents are obsessed with the idea of ​​​​the genius of their child. Pseudogeniuses often grow up in such families.

Excessive parental care and permissiveness can also be the basis for the germination of the disease.

Causes of narcissism

The main reason for the emergence of narcissism is considered to be the early assessment of children's actions by parents, and later the child begins to evaluate himself. Having achieved any, even the most minimal success, there is a connection to the assessment - I am good. In the future, the whole life of such a child will be geared towards success. Among people suffering from narcissism, there are quite a few very successful individuals.

Another cause of narcissism is considered to be a lack of maternal tenderness and love in childhood. Therefore, the child tries to compensate for such a deficit in any way. He forms his “I”, imagining himself as the universal center, while idealizing his parents. In unfavorable cases, children develop a personality disorder characterized by a belief in personal greatness, high sensitivity to criticism, and inner emptiness. This belief in greatness has no basis. In the absence of recognition from others, the individual’s excessive self-confidence as a consequence of erroneous self-esteem turns into a feeling of inferiority, leading to the appearance of various phobias and complexes.

Often parents try to get their child to become what they want them to be, while rejecting the child’s inherent personal qualities and not paying attention to his needs. Those. Such children are loved only when they are successful and their personality is devalued for mistakes, even the most insignificant ones. As a result, the child gradually develops a so-called narcissistic bubble. He begins to perceive himself through the prism of an inflated ego, demonstrating himself as a grandiose person and positioning himself as a great person. In this way he tries to get love. However, he himself does not understand that having won love in this way, they will not love him as a person, but only his outer shell.

Signs of a Narcissist Girl

Understanding that you are dealing with a narcissistic girl is quite simple. Basically, these are people who live by the principle that all the people around them exist only to fulfill all her whims and desires. Such ladies build relationships according to the rules: “I did not lower myself, but condescended.” And sometimes, after talking with these girls, you begin to regret that there is no way to straighten their imaginary crown on their heads with an imaginary rake.

These arrogant and self-centered, impudent and demanding specimens of others are very easy to recognize by several symptoms:

• has a grandiose sense of self-importance;
• reacts sharply to the slightest criticism or remarks;
• does not admit his obvious guilt and mistake;
• shifts his own mistakes onto others;
• needs constant praise, even for small achievements;
• has grandiose ambitions about his self;
• asserts himself by humiliating other people;
• takes a weakening of attention to his person as betrayal;
• does not consider it necessary to rejoice in other people's successes and achievements;
• considers himself the center of the universe, and, accordingly, all the inhabitants of the planet as his subjects;
• loves to humiliate people, pointing out the slightest, and sometimes fictitious, shortcomings;
• despises people who are more successful in life;
• does not consider it necessary to apologize;
• not inclined to sincere empathy.

How bad is it?3

Such a disorder very rarely occurs on its own; in general, it is considered the result of the consumption of medications that affect the psyche, various neuroses, depression and other mental problems. Living with such a diagnosis is truly torture, and the world, in which illusion is the only acceptable reality, is very insidious and merciless.

Dreams are crushed, castles in the air disappear, and high hopes are not justified - depression lasts a long time. In this situation, what helps is not heart-to-heart conversations with friends and soothing tea, but a trip to a psychology specialist and a long course of therapy.

Narcissism as a character trait occurs much more often than people think and, unlike a severe disorder, does not bring danger to the individual. Self-confidence is the main indicator of the current narcissist.