Self-love - what is it (psychology), how to develop

Self-love is a cocktail of self-acceptance and self-esteem. “Love yourself” is the most popular and trivial advice from psychology. Both professionals and those interested in psychology at an amateur level talk about this. However, not everyone clearly understands what it means to love yourself. For example, many people confuse this with selfishness. What is the difference between what self-love really is and how to love yourself - we will figure it out.

Self-love - what is it?

What does self-love mean? This, as we have already noted, is self-acceptance and self-respect. But it is also the ability to take care of yourself on three levels: soul, body and mind.

Let's look at the components of self-love in a little more detail:

Self-acceptance. This is awareness of all your pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages, external or internal characteristics and their unconditional, non-judgmental acceptance. And also this is the ability to admit and accept mistakes, to put up with the past, whatever it may be.
Self-respect. This is the ability to set and maintain personal boundaries, no matter what, follow your system of values, principles, and beliefs.
Self-care. This is living according to your needs and interests. Self-care also involves continuous self-development, timely treatment of diseases and their prevention, care for the body and psyche (sports and proper nutrition, healthy sleep).

A person who loves himself will not tolerate what he does not like, hurts or is not interesting. Personal happiness and comfort for such a person come first. He is ready and able to give up everything and everyone who prevents him from being happy and healthy physically and psychologically.

How is self-love different from selfishness? This is best described by a quote from Oscar Wilde: “To live the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.” This is indeed a true statement from a psychological point of view, although Wilde himself was not a psychologist.

Important! Self-love is not associated with selfishness, self-pity or self-flagellation. Self-love is total acceptance, continuous self-development and a healthy critical look at oneself.

Model haircuts

A metrosexual would never agree to wear the same hairstyle for a long time. He feels the need to constantly change so that the next image does not become boring to him. Model haircuts each time emphasize the momentary mood and, as a rule, a guy is never completely internally satisfied with how he looks. Hair foam for men who are so obsessed with their appearance is the most common body care product.

They are ready to search for a long time for the ideal option for themselves and try products from different cosmetic companies. It seems to such a person that it is impossible to do without mousse for hair styling. For metrosexual men, their own comfort is of great importance. This internal balance is achieved only when the wardrobe is bursting with new things, and the dressing table is all lined with numerous jars and boxes.

What is self-love, signs

How and in what ways is self-love manifested? Self-love manifests itself on all levels and on different scales. Here are just a few examples of self-love:

get rid of bad habits that destroy the body, for example: alcohol, cigarettes, overeating or strict diets;
normalize the regime of work and rest, sleep (to get enough sleep, an adult needs at least 8 hours);
eat regularly and balanced;
give up a job you don’t like and find something you like;
relax without feeling guilty, do what you want;
do not sacrifice yourself for others;
clean the house and keep it clean;
take care of your appearance, take care of clothes, hair, body, skin, etc.;
do not communicate or meet toxic people;
do not tolerate anything and change what does not suit you;
praise yourself and give yourself compliments;
take care of loved ones, because your well-being depends on their well-being, just like vice versa (however, if these people do not reciprocate, that is, you give but do not receive anything, then you need to exclude them from your life).

Sometimes self-love is confused with living one day at a time, indulging all your desires and whims. This is wrong. Self-love involves both fulfilling responsibilities and following discipline. For example, in order to buy an apartment, many people have to deny themselves something for a long time. In this case, we are dealing with a hierarchy of needs and desires. Sometimes you still have to sacrifice something for personal good.

A responsible attitude to work and professional growth is also self-care. For example, many people get up early in order to get everything done. Yes, it is not always easy, but it is important for your own good. Yes, everyone is too lazy to go to training, but if you remind yourself of the main delayed goal of playing sports, your motivation increases.

In general, self-love is not associated with living one day only for your own pleasure. Self-love presupposes a constant desire to improve the quality of life in general, for the long term.

Interesting! A person who does not love himself cannot love others. As E. Fromm argued, the ability to love develops within a person and does not depend on any external objects.

Such different egoisms

Selfishness comes in different forms. Healthy, reasonable egoism is a trait that is more necessary than harmful. Why? Because in our daily routine, we often forget about ourselves, devoting 100% of our time to family, work, and friends. Such dedication is, of course, commendable. But you don’t need to forget about yourself, your health, your psycho-emotional state. Being able to break out of the circle of everyday worries, do something pleasant and useful for yourself, and restore your strength is important and necessary.

Reasonable selfishness is understandable. But manifestations of unhealthy pride need to be noticed not only in those around you, close people, but also in yourself. Here are some undeniable signs of selfishness:

A person blames anyone but himself for all his failures.
Likes to talk about himself, but listens to other people extremely inattentively. Self-interest is always more significant.

If you often hear the words “you must” or “you must” from your partner, most likely your partner has a clear tendency to be selfish. If, in addition, for your holiday he/she gives you his own portrait in a beautiful frame, all the more reason to think about it.
Your partner constantly, even in everyday small things, emphasizes his superiority over you. It's unpleasant, isn't it? And you shouldn’t expect that it will go away on its own over time.

You can learn even more signs and tactics for surviving with a narcissistic, egoistic man from our article below.

Why don't people love themselves

As a rule, this is associated with a difficult childhood. For some, their parents instilled complexes through direct influence: “You’re stupid,” “You’re ugly,” “You’re stupid,” “You’re bad,” “I don’t love you,” “It would be better if you didn’t exist,” etc.). And for some, the formation of complexes and a drop in self-esteem are due to the indirect influence of parents:

low family standard of living;
alcoholism or other addictions, illnesses, vices of the family or one of its members;
indifferent attitude towards the child;
authoritarian parenting style;
overprotection, which does not allow the child to develop as a person, to know and understand himself;
emotional coldness towards the child;
dislike of parents for themselves and each other.

Gradually, the influence of society is added to the influence of parents: peers, educators, teachers, etc. In adult life, they are replaced by colleagues, friends, partners. And here it is impossible to say unequivocally what the influence of these people will be. On the one hand, a person who does not love himself often becomes a victim of bullying, mobbing, and dependent relationships. On the other hand, on his way he may come across people who, by their example, good attitude and love for this person, will help him change his attitude towards himself and begin the path to healing.

Pride or pride?

Is this really self-love? This is still a big question. Perhaps pride or arrogance speaks in you. Maybe a person needs to feel like the so-called crown of the Universe. This happens because he does not want to face a certain amount of rejection from unbearable emotions and significant figures. This is often established in childhood and is a kind of protection against unnecessary feelings.

So, back to the question of whether this is love. A person, of course, lives with himself all his life. He has his own attitudes, his own principles and his own attitude to different events. And this is quite natural.

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For example, Valeria is not a very attractive girl. And this was instilled in her from childhood: “You are fat, you are ugly, no one will ever love you.” Lera grew up and took the “position of a fighter.” She tried with all her might to prove to others that she was better, more beautiful, more successful. At the same time, Lera was proud of herself. I bought a car, got married, found a good job and even lost a lot of extra pounds. Only with this pride I lost my real friends...

Tips on how to develop self-love

How to love yourself:

study yourself;
work on self-esteem;
develop self-confidence;
draw up a portrait of your new self;
make a life plan;
develop a sense of humor.

The plan for working on yourself differs from case to case. You must decide what exactly you need to fight, and only then select recommendations and exercises for each of the points. For example, there is such a good exercise in psychology for correcting self-esteem and self-acceptance. It is especially suitable for cases where rejection is more related to appearance. What to do:

compliment yourself in front of the mirror every day, for example, in the morning while washing your face;
look at yourself in the mirror for five minutes and say: “I love myself”, “I am beautiful/strong/brave”, etc.

It works. Not the first time, but with regular use after a few weeks you will notice results.

Other exercises and techniques that are suitable for every person:

Meditation. Take a comfortable sitting position. Relax. Take 3 deep breaths in and out. Close your eyes. Look inside yourself. Ask yourself: “Who am I? What am I? Give free rein to your thoughts. Take a closer look at the images that come. What do they belong to (sphere or stage of life), what are they talking about. This exercise helps you understand yourself.
Time for yourself. Take care of yourself first, then those around you. This advice is especially relevant for family people, mothers, wives. Learn to take an hour every day for yourself. At this time, no one and nothing should disturb you. Care only about your needs and interests.
A letter to the past. Reach out to your past self. Write down everything you once wanted to hear from other people, or what you now want to tell yourself. Thank yourself or ask for forgiveness.
Self-Love Day. Once a month, give yourself not an hour, but a whole day. Relax, have fun - do whatever you want. On this day you must replenish your resource of energy and love. For example, you can go out of town for the whole day.

Self-love is closely related to the love of life, the desire to live. If there is no purpose and meaning in life, if you do not see your future or see it exclusively in gray tones, then there can be no talk of any love.

Brand clothes

Thinking about what men who take care of themselves are called, one cannot help but note their ability to look good under any circumstances. Guys who focus too much on their appearance choose the most expensive clothes from famous manufacturers. They will never spare money to once again show off in front of society. Many people mistake such men for very wealthy and independent people. However, in reality this is not always true.

A metrosexual guy may well turn out to be the son of rich parents or even live off women. In most cases, it is not difficult for them to start new romances: external attractiveness and the desire to please work. A woman in love often turns a blind eye to a guy’s obvious shortcomings and doesn’t think at all about what men are called who look after themselves too actively. External attractiveness comes to the fore. It is she who fascinates and deprives common sense.

My experience

Here's what helped me love myself:

Getting rid of toxic people, things, activities. For 1-2 months, I observed and analyzed a lot, and kept a diary of emotions. I tracked what and who drained me, when and why my mood deteriorated. Soon I was able to make a list of what I would have to say goodbye to if I wanted to maintain a stable level of performance and be happy. Then she started saying goodbye.
Finding something you love. The criteria for the job were as follows: it is related to my education (psychological and pedagogical), does not require leaving home, does not limit development and provides maximum freedom, can feed me. I tried different options for working via the Internet, analyzed my feelings and eventually came to copywriting. And although not all people consider this type of employment stable, I have a feeling of confidence in the future. As a last resort, I know that I can definitely master something else.
Choosing a hobby. Each person should have their own outlet. You can choose a new hobby or return to old ones. For example, I returned to playing a musical instrument. I also relax when I prepare desserts or bake something.
Getting rid of complexes. My main complex that I had to fight was being overweight. Because of him, I couldn't accept myself. Having gone through all the stages of “grieving” from the search for a magic pill to strict diets, I came to the only adequate approach: moderate and regular exercise + moderation in food. A well-known joke helped me: “To lose weight, I ate the same thing as everyone else, but half a bucket less.” Of course, food problems also had psychological reasons. I had to work with this too. I had to track when and why overeating or weight gain occurred.

What else happened? A lot of everything. For example, changing your image and developing your taste in clothes. Mastering skin and hair care skills. Fostering a responsible attitude towards health: preventive examinations, treatment if necessary, prevention of various problems. Etc. and so on. - all of what we have already mentioned earlier. For example, I had and still have a daily hour for myself and a day a month for myself.

The main thing is that I stopped comparing myself to anyone other than myself.

Breaking yourself is difficult. At first it looks like a daily struggle with myself. You have to move only on one belief: “this is necessary and it’s useful, it works, you have to wait.” But gradually real results become noticeable. And then you begin to move more actively, everything happens easier.

For example, at first I hated playing sports. This was accompanied by hysterics, insults directed at themselves, and much more. But now I feel that I physically need the load. I feel worse without her. Similarly, I feel how certain foods affect me, changes in sleep patterns, attempts to go against myself in something, etc. Awareness is very important in accepting yourself and developing self-love. You need to learn to feel at different levels everything that happens to you.

Interesting! When you love yourself, you will change externally and internally. You will become calmer, more balanced, more energetic, more positive. Your face will radiate light and warmth. People will be drawn to you. People around you will notice your changes.

Desire to be liked

A man who takes special care of his appearance makes a double impression in society. Firstly, women certainly like him. Beautiful, bright, fragrant, like a May rose, it can hardly leave anyone indifferent. Women often fall in love with such people, without thinking at all that they are dooming themselves to endless suffering. Secondly, compared to the rest of the stronger sex, the dandy guy looks at least strange.

His narcissistic nature pushes away his friends of the same sex. Many begin to mistake him for a homosexual, which is the main mistake. When thinking about the name of a man who takes care of himself, it should be noted that the guy himself often does not see any problem in his peculiarity. It seems to him that this is how it should be.

Criminal penalties for exhibitionism

The situation with police intervention is extremely ambiguous due to the fact that the demonstration of genitals in public places, according to Russian laws, is equated to unconscious activity, unless, of course, it is a consequence of hooligan behavior. The reasons that necessitated such an act are psychological, and the exhibitionist himself is, in the eyes of the law, an insane person who cannot be judged by ordinary laws.

On the other hand, these actions fall under an administrative article, which is punishable by a fine of 500 to 1000 rubles or arrest for up to 15 days. If the exhibitionist is charged with a criminal offense for “depraved acts without the use of violence,” then the punishment may be much more serious: a fine of up to 300 thousand rubles or imprisonment for up to three years.

Visiting beauty salons

Facial care, cosmetics for men - these components are an integral attribute of guys who are used to devoting a lot of time to their appearance. They simply cannot do otherwise, because it affects their personality and gives them self-confidence. Visiting beauty salons really brings them great pleasure. Regular shopping helps you relax and relieve emotional stress. Restoring mental balance occurs through unconscious comparison of oneself with others. Compared to them, other people often look unattractive, pale and uninteresting. Of course, this is only an appearance. But a metrosexual needs to assert himself, so he is ready to invest a lot of time, effort and money in his appearance. Some guys visit hairdressers every two weeks and at the same time place the highest demands on specialists.

True and false exhibitionism

If there is a real deviation, a person commits an act of exhibitionism under the influence of an uncontrollable impulse. In turn, the occurrence of this impulse is due to strong emotional intensity and nervous tension caused by previous sexual fantasies.

A so-called false exhibitionist is a person who exhibits hooligan and rebellious intentions that result in the form of public nudity in front of other people. Another reason for false exhibitionism can often be previously taken drugs and alcohol.

Treatment of exhibitionism

Due to the fact that an exhibitionist is a person with a mental disorder, an experienced psychiatrist should deal with the issue of recovery. However, not every person, knowing and fully realizing their own inclinations, will decide of their own free will to visit a specialist.

As a rule, treatment is initiated either by relatives or close friends of the patient, or by law enforcement agencies. Without the desire to recover from this psychological illness in the patient himself, one can hardly count on success.

Depreciation of everything around

A metrosexual can cry in front of everyone if some situation greatly upsets him. He will not suppress feelings, fearing to appear weak and weak-willed. For such a guy, his own mental well-being always comes first.

Strong sensitivity somewhere becomes a successful way for him to provoke an appropriate reaction. A guy can learn to manipulate a girl’s feelings in order to remain in a favorable position for himself. Devaluation of everything around often occurs unconsciously.

Pedantry

For a metrosexual, everything should be in its place. Men who have a similar feature of self-perception cannot stand disorder. They may even be disdainful of using a shared bathroom and toilet with the girl they love. Some pedantry is present in literally everything: in the view of the world, in the ability to solve problems, communicate with people, and relate to the mistakes of close relatives. All things must certainly lie in their places and always be at hand. If something doesn’t go according to the planned scenario, it throws you out of your usual rut for a long time.