We must direct our main efforts to developing our own character, which, like the roots that support a huge tree, is often invisible to others. But it is thanks to caring for its roots that we ultimately see the fruits. With the permission of the Bombora publishing house, Forbes Life publishes an excerpt from the book “Balance Point” by motivational coach Gohar Davtyan
In my opinion, modern people pay too much attention to developing skills, gaining knowledge and competencies, not paying attention to the fact that success requires a good foundation - a strong character. In fact, the most powerful resource for achieving success is character, which remains undeveloped.
First, let's figure it out: what does character mean? Character is a set of properties and qualities of a person that leave a certain stamp on all its manifestations and actions. Character traits determine this or that way of behavior of a person, his way of life. Character is the essence of a person, and he should not “live” separately, with his own life. If you suppress your nature for a long time, it can become unpredictable, figuratively speaking, it can jump out from around the corner and behave in the worst possible way at the most inopportune moment.
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Knowing your character is what I believe is most important on the path to success. And if you don’t like something, remember - we decided not to put on a mask, but to change our character.
Is it possible to change character? - you will be surprised. Yes, character is not a constant, you can and should work with it. Scientists have already proven that the brain can and should change throughout life. It is unusually mobile, quickly transforms, and science has even included such a concept as neuroplasticity1, which began to be talked about relatively recently. During the 20th century, it was generally accepted that the brain remained unchanged after its formation was completed in childhood. But this view is now changing due to new research suggesting that the brain retains plasticity beyond childhood. Neuroplasticity refers to the processes of making or breaking connections and neurogenesis. Its role is widely recognized by modern medicine and psychology as a phenomenon that allows one to develop character and change personality through internal transformations;
In modern society, no one really thinks about changing their own character; it is not customary to even talk about it, since for many years we were all mistaken in thinking that character is not subject to change. I want you to pay attention to your character - as the main resource for achieving the best in your life, the way to harmonize yourself and the world around you.
We may not like the character of another person, but we cannot influence him. But we can do it for ourselves if we want.
Our life is a journey with ups and downs, and only by paying attention to ourselves, focusing on self-improvement, on creating a better version of ourselves, can we change our destiny. I believe that every person, having already stepped on the threshold of conscious life, should think first of all about getting to know the most important person in his life - himself.
Develop your positive qualities
Be honest
Don't let your words match your actions. Don't try to imitate emotions that you don't experience: people often notice falsehood. For example, if you're annoyed that your spouse is working too much, find the strength to say, “I'm sorry I'm so angry and not supportive of you. I think it's because I just miss you."
Increase your awareness
Mindfulness allows you to examine yourself on a deeper level, understand how your ideas and reactions are formed, and this is an important stage in working on your character. Set aside time for daily reflection where you can ask yourself questions such as, “Why did I react the way I did to those words?” and “What can I do to avoid this type of conflict in the future?”
Meditation also helps increase awareness. Now there are many books, apps and master classes for those who want to make meditation their daily practice, but lack free time. Use them!
Develop self-control
Start with everyday little things. For example, set a goal to control your spontaneous food intake. The next time you decide to indulge in a late-night snack, stop and ask yourself if you're actually hungry. Then drink a glass of water. Consciously control your impulses and introduce small everyday habits into your life, for example, start making your bed in the morning. This will help you develop discipline that will be useful in other areas of your life.
Be true to your principles
If your actions don't match your beliefs, you will always feel uncomfortable. Know and respect your values and moral principles. Make decisions based on them and do not give in to outside pressure.
Always analyze your decisions in terms of their compliance with your internal attitudes.
Take responsibility for your mistakes and correct them
Everyone makes mistakes, and how you deal with the consequences of your bad decisions reflects your character. Admitting your mistakes is a sign of strength, not weakness. Don't be afraid to apologize if the situation requires it, or to compensate for the damage caused. Saying “Sorry for stealing your idea. I confess to everyone that she is yours,” you will show the strength of your character and build relationships with others based on trust and mutual respect.
be patient
It is completely normal to feel irritated in some situations. But patience and endurance can and should be trained. For example, if your colleague is not grasping information as quickly as you would like, think about whether this is due to the fact that you are not explaining things clearly enough. Or maybe he simply doesn’t have your technical background and you should reduce the use of technical terms? Learn to ask questions and don't jump to conclusions.
Ask for an honest assessment
Sometimes it can be difficult to be objective about yourself. If you are serious about working on your character, ask someone you trust to give you honest, constructive feedback. Ask about your strengths and weaknesses, thank them for the feedback, and start working on yourself.
Don't hide the strong woman inside you
The male sex is often afraid of falling under the influence of a strong woman. During the first conversations, it is worth finding out his attitude to this situation. Then show your natural behavior, declaring: “Yes, I am strong and I know my worth, but I am a beautiful goddess!” The intrigue will work - the man will definitely want to know how strong his partner is.
Learn empathy and gratitude
Put yourself in the other person's shoes
The capacity for compassion lies at the core of strength of character. Try to imagine how other people feel. Maybe your friend recently lost a loved one and has become moody and irritable? Put yourself in his place, and you will be able to understand the motives for his actions. And then it will become clear to you that now he needs not criticism, but friendly support.
Fight prejudice
Most people have an established system of prejudices - conscious or unconscious, many of which have nothing to do with reality. For example, the idea that people without a college degree are not as smart as college graduates. Look around and you will find real examples that refute this belief.
Awareness of your bias is the first step towards overcoming it.
Learn to experience and express gratitude
Gratitude is an important step towards awareness of yourself and the world around you. Make it a part of your daily life and see how your character changes. Every day before you go to bed, think of three things you are grateful for. You can even keep a diary, recording your thoughts in it.
Also, don't forget to express gratitude to people who deserve it. A simple “thank you” or a detailed comment about how much you appreciate another person’s actions helps to see you as a strong person.
Analysis of your own behavior
A detailed analysis of your own behavior will reveal a complete picture in which the positive and negative traits of your character will be visible. Once you have identified all this, you need to understand that you will have to make some effort to change the negative traits of your character. After all, good character is the result of a lot of work on oneself.
Show leadership qualities
Speak up and let others speak up
Dealing with shyness can take a lot of effort, but your voice must be heard. Try to actively participate in work meetings, speak clearly and clearly, justify your point of view, and, sooner or later, those around you will begin to listen to you.
If you don’t have problems with shyness, you may not notice how often you interrupt others and don’t let them speak. Showing restraint also demonstrates strength of character. Let others be heard and create frequent discussions.
Be open to new things
Every time you learn something new, you build your character. Do not miss the opportunity to apply this principle both in your personal life and in your work. You might say to your boss, “I'd like to know more about the accounting portion of our project. May I attend a meeting on this issue today?”
Don't be shy to ask for help
Some people believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness. In fact, it is an indicator of your strength of character, your ability to recognize and articulate your needs. Your requests must be specific and understandable. Instead of saying, “You don't do anything around the house!”, try saying, “It would be great if you did the laundry and walked the dog today.”
Notice the strengths of others
Good leaders know that it is more effective to support the successes of others than to undermine them. Help people recognize their strengths and capitalize on them in team play. You might say, “You're really good at presentations. Would you like to speak on behalf of the department?”
Focus on the team's success, not just your own. Approach collaboration from a “we” perspective rather than an “I” perspective.
Learn to face difficulties
Instead of ignoring the problem, find a way to solve it. Assess the situation objectively and avoid impulsive reactions. For example, you run a department and one of your valuable employees quits without notice. Do not be angry. Better think about how to get out of the situation. You will probably have to redistribute tasks among employees. Gather the team, explain the situation and invite them to think through options together.
Don't give in right away
Psychologically, people are designed in such a way that with periodic concessions, even in small things, pressure will be constantly exerted on the weaker side. Just as they carry water to the offended, so they don’t get off the compliant ones, but ride on horseback and drive them. The man needs to be told that there is an important reason why a woman gives in, and there will not be a second time like this. He will appreciate the act of his companion, realizing that next time it will be different.
Bitch or shy: who do men choose and why?
Everyone's character is different - this must be understood and accepted. It is important to present it correctly and not to overdo it with the manifestation of character. Avoid provocations and humiliation of male dignity - these are common reasons for a partner to leave. Explanations of personal characteristics will help avoid discord in relationships.
Tip #2: Live for today and look to the future
Don’t think about your goal for too long, start implementing it right away. After all, the longer you put off achieving your goal, the more difficult it will be to achieve it. Also, if you are constantly in thought, then such a lifestyle will smoothly shape your character, adding several negative qualities to it at once.
Therefore, if you have set a goal for yourself, then do not think about it for too long, immediately begin to implement it, especially if the process of achieving the goal will take a fairly long period of time.
Tip No. 9. Don’t forget to record your achievements and successes
By recording and noting your specific successes and achievements, you will see that all your efforts are not in vain and that your actions bring specific results. Thus, by celebrating and recording achievements you automatically receive good motivation, which allows you to strive for more and achieve higher results.
Also, successes and achievements reflect well on a person’s character, allowing him to become much better with each achievement.
Tip No. 4. Be calm about difficulties and failures that arise.
In the process of implementing pre-conceived plans, it is possible that various difficulties, obstacles and failures may occur on your path. You should not immediately panic and, even more so, be afraid of the difficulties that have arisen; treat them as a certain life experience and at the same time be calm and cool-headed.
Calmness perfectly strengthens not only your nervous system, but also forms a certain character. A calm person will always be able to soberly and competently assess the current situation, analyze it piece by piece and come up with the most suitable solution to get out of it.
Tip No. 3. Develop and don’t stand in one place
Don’t forget that you constantly need to develop, gain new and interesting knowledge. Developing yourself and awakening interest in new things will always have a positive impact on your character. Constant learning and development will prevent you from dwelling only on the past, especially if you have ever failed or been disappointed in something. New knowledge will greatly help you develop determination and good character.
Tip No. 8. Write out a detailed plan for changing your character
Make a detailed plan to change your character. Be sure to pay attention to each character trait that you want to correct or change. After this, set a specific deadline within which you must do this. At the same time, remember that not all character traits can be changed immediately, so get ready to constantly work on yourself.
The shadow of a person as part of the soul
All these qualities, images, desires and memories can be called in one word - shadow. The shadow of a person, the shadow side , to be more precise, is that suppressed part of a person’s experience and ideas that seems to him incompatible with his own ideals and the face that he presents in society. This is what makes a person unable to accept himself.
This area may also include those properties and qualities of character that are either undeveloped in a person or are rejected by him. The shadow of a person is located in the area of the unconscious - i.e. in that part of the personality that is not realized.
The idea of shadow is very well reflected in folklore, as well as traditional holidays and folk beliefs. Almost always, along with the bright image of a hero, savior or saint, there is also an image of evil - the devil or the tempter.
In fairy tales these are witches, gnomes, evil wizards. In religious cultures, the image of a shadow can be expressed as a devil or a devil. In Christianity, along with the bright image of Christ, there is also the Antichrist (and if you look at the root word “Satan”, it means “enemy” - as an image that opposes the saint, like shadow and light).
In Buddhism and Hinduism there is a large pantheon of wrathful deities, which in some interpretations are not considered as separate individuals, but rather as the personification of various qualities of a single god.
Sometimes in certain historical periods these shadow images become stronger and more attention-grabbing. Remember the Gothic cathedrals and the huge number of devils of all kinds and stripes on their bas-reliefs.
It would seem, why are they? After all, in the temple you can only think about the good and forget about the bad! But even there it is impossible to completely escape from one’s shadow part, and the human psyche again and again stumbles upon those very bad character traits, “unworthy” thoughts and impulses.
Some traditions and folk festivals try to create safe contact between a person and his shadow. In pagan holidays, contact with the shadow was presented quite clearly - remember, for example, Halloween. After all, what is its essence?
Dress up as witches or evil spirits to drive them away. In other words, immerse yourself in your shadow so that it becomes more conscious, and therefore controlled by consciousness.
“If the shadow side is suppressed and isolated from consciousness, then it will never be corrected, and there is always the possibility of its sudden breakthrough at the most inopportune moment. So, by all accounts, it will create an unconscious obstacle, thwarting our best intentions and impulses. We carry within us our past, namely the primitive, low man with his desires and emotions. Only with significant effort can we free ourselves from this burden."
Carl Gustav Jung
A natural question arises: why is a person’s shadow needed at all? Why do we need to get to know the shadow and deal with it at all? Maybe this is right - remove from your life, displace all bad character traits, everything “unacceptable” and forget about it? It’s bad, so why know about it and stir it up?
Then a counter question arises: to displace - and where? Where can we put all this? From the conscious area to the unconscious. In that large closet or closet where old things that are no longer needed by the owner are put away.
And the paradox is that this closet is still inside us, and no matter where we remove and displace it all, it will remain inside us. From time to time it will remind itself and burst into our lives with vague images, exploding for some unknown reason with emotions, stupor and apathy, illogical actions, anger and irritation towards the people around us.
And from time to time we will still be forced to deal with those very manifestations about which we say “I hate myself,” we regret, we are ashamed, but we cannot completely eradicate them, no matter how hard we try.
How to change negative character traits to positive ones?
Once you have identified the negative traits of your character, you need to make a list. On the contrary, for each negative character trait, indicate how to correct it. For example, insecurity can only be corrected by learning to believe in yourself and in your strengths; aggression can be corrected by learning to control yourself and control your feelings and emotions, etc. Thus, it is necessary to work through the entire list.
How to identify and identify negative character traits?
Of course, it is quite difficult to immediately identify negative character traits, since most people simply do not notice them or do not consider them negative. Therefore, talk to your relatives, friends and acquaintances about your negative character traits. This way, you will be able to identify them more accurately, in other words, you will see yourself from the outside.
