A child’s 3-year-old crisis: how should parents behave in the “kingdom of stubbornness and whims”?

The essence

The main reason is the discrepancy between social and everyday circumstances and the child’s changing needs. He wants to be an adult, he even feels like one. However, a huge number of restrictions, rules and demands from parents do not allow him to fully demonstrate independence. This causes an internal protest, which results in emotional and behavioral deviations that frighten parents so much.

The three-year crisis is characterized by the following mental neoplasms:

• primary independence;
• a new level of self-awareness;
• establishing interpersonal contacts, building new, more complex social relationships;
• volitional regulation of activity.

Developmental psychology helps to understand what is happening to a child during this period. It allows you to understand the factors that aggravate or alleviate the crisis, and gives recommendations on how parents should behave in order to prevent negative consequences.

Educational program. You can learn in detail about this period from special literature on psychology: Vygotsky “The Crisis of Three Years”, Guskova “Features of the Crisis of 3 Years in the Mental Development of a Child”, Vasilkina “What to Do if a Child Has a Crisis of Three Years?”, Abrosimova “The Age of Obstinacy. About the crisis of three years”, Filicheva “The baby is three years old”.

Using a positive example for education

Having survived a crisis, it is important to understand that a child is a separate individual who strives to understand the world and become independent. It is important for moms and dads to find compromises in raising a child, try to maintain his trust, and not break emotional contact.

An English proverb says that raising a child begins with raising parents, so loved ones should set a positive example for the child with their behavior.

Causes

The main reason why children experience a crisis at age 3 is the desire for independence. By this age, they already speak well and can clearly and clearly express their desires and emotions verbally. It seems to them that this is enough to be the same as adults: eat what they eat, sit late at night watching TV, swear in bad words. Every action in this little domestic apocalypse will be aimed at achieving independence.

However, the 3-year-old crisis occurs differently for each child. Someone makes the existence of the family unbearable - endless hysterics, uncontrollable aggression, constant protests, complete depreciation of previous rules lead to serious problems. For others, the manifestations are not so vivid: isolated cases of obstinacy, sudden changes in mood, minor whims. It is noticeable that a crisis has arrived, but it is completely controllable. There are also children for whom everything goes smoothly and almost unnoticeably.

Psychologists identify a number of reasons for the intensity and brightness of the crisis of 3 years.

Authoritarian parenting style

If excessively strict norms are established in the family, unconditional submission is required, will and independence are suppressed, this results in prolonged hysterics.

Overprotection

Excessive parental care, like an authoritarian parenting style, suppresses will and independence. A child, even at 3 years old, is considered unintelligent, unviable and completely helpless. They do not allow him to take a single step without the permission of an adult. It is not surprising that the baby will prove the opposite, which will significantly complicate the problem period.

Society

The situation is often complicated due to the authoritarian parenting style or the elementary rudeness of the kindergarten teacher. The company of children with whom he plays in the yard or in kindergarten can have a bad influence on a child. Conflicts with other people force him to defend his independence even more zealously.

Intrafamily relations

The crisis is aggravated if there is a tense atmosphere within the family. Firstly, if the parents often fight or are in a state of divorce. The second psychotraumatic situation is that they are constantly busy at work and have no time to take care of the child. Problems may begin after the birth of the second baby. Childhood jealousy arises, which turns into uncontrollable outbursts of anger. In all these cases, there is a lack of attention.

But older children who participate in upbringing make the crisis easier.

Temperament

An unstable nervous system, excessive impressionability, choleric or melancholic type of temperament is another reason for the worsening crisis of 3 years.

Health status

In healthy children, the crisis period proceeds within normal limits. He is noticeable, but is kept under control by his parents. If a child develops mental abnormalities and disorders by the age of 3, the situation worsens, the manifestations are uncontrollable, vivid and explosive. In the presence of chronic diseases, genetic pathologies, or physical disabilities from birth, children are usually strongly attached to their mother and do not rebel against her. Therefore, they most often do not cause much trouble.

Adaptation to kindergarten is often cited as one of the main reasons for the 3-year-old crisis. Indeed, it is at this age that parents usually send their child to this preschool institution. But there are also children who are assigned there much earlier (from 1.5 or 2 years old). There are kids who don’t go there at all; they stay at home with their mother or grandparents. According to research, in all these cases, by the age of 3, an age crisis occurs, regardless of whether the child attends kindergarten or not and from what age.

Do such problems always arise?

Psychologists have proven that the three-year crisis is an obligatory and natural milestone in a child’s growing up. However, the presence of the negative signs described above, or more precisely, their excessive expression, is an optional condition for the development of a child.

Sometimes a crisis period proceeds quite smoothly, without obvious symptoms and is characterized only by the emergence of certain personal new formations, including:

• the child’s awareness of his “I”;
• talking about yourself in the first person;
• emergence of self-esteem;
• the emergence of strong-willed qualities and perseverance.

As already noted, the crisis will proceed much more mildly if parents take into account the age and individual characteristics of the child when choosing optimal educational measures.

In general, three-year-olds are characterized by some common behavioral traits, which are worth mentioning in more detail in order to take them into account when communicating with your baby:

1. Children try to achieve the final result of their actions. For a three-year-old child, it is important to complete a task, be it drawing or washing dishes, so failures often do not stop him, but only stimulate him.
2. The baby loves to demonstrate the result obtained to adults. This is why parents need to give positive assessments of the results of children's activities, because a negative or indifferent attitude can lead to negative self-perception in children.
3. Emerging self-esteem makes the child touchy, dependent on other people's opinions, and even boastful. Therefore, parents' inattention to children's experiences can become a source of negative self-determination.

Thus, the emergence of one’s own “I”, the ability to achieve one’s own and dependence on the assessments of loved ones become the main results of the crisis at the age of three and mark the child’s transition to the next stage of childhood – preschool.

A 3-year-old crisis is not a reason to panic and consider your child bad and uncontrollable. All children go through this period, but you have the power to make it as painless and fruitful as possible for your baby. To do this, you just need to respect him as a person.

Signs

Parents need to know how the 3-year-old crisis manifests itself in order to distinguish its symptoms from ordinary contextual situations. For example, if a child refuses to go to bed on time, this may be dictated by the fact that he was overexcited before bed, played too many noisy games, or sat in front of the TV for too long. Each case must be considered separately.

Psychologists call the complex of symptoms of a 3-year crisis “seven stars.”

Negativism - “I’m doing it out of spite!”

They give up their own desires that coincide with the demands of their parents. They don’t want to do something just because the initiative comes from an adult. A negative reaction is always targeted and directed not at the content of the request, but at a specific person. For example, a mother calls her child from the street for lunch. Despite the fact that he himself has been hungry for a long time and wants to go home, he refuses to do this just for the sake of confronting his mother.

Obstinacy - “I don’t want to obey!”

Unlike negativism, this manifestation of the crisis is impersonal. It is aimed at the everyday life and daily routine that parents try to accustom their baby to. He refuses to go to bed at the right time or put away his toys.

Stubbornness - “I decided so!”

"Don't want!" and I will not!" without any explanation - the most common signs of a 3-year crisis. Neither persuasion nor threats can overcome them.

Riot (protest) - “I’m tired of everything!”

Similar to previous manifestations of the crisis. However, rebellion is the most terrible of them. Firstly, it includes negativism, obstinacy, and stubbornness. Secondly, it is permanent. The child refuses breakfast or nap every day. Thirdly, it manifests itself most clearly. It comes to uncontrollable outbursts of anger and real hysteria. This is fraught with severe stress and auto-aggression.

Despotism - “Do as I want! I am the master and master!”

They try to manipulate parents with hysterics and tears. This especially affects mothers and grandmothers. They are capricious, scream and even roll demonstratively on the floor, just so that the desire is fulfilled (they bought a toy, let them go for a walk, gave them candy).

Devaluation - “I don’t love you! You are bad!

They are angry at what is dear to them, trying to get rid of addiction. A quiet, well-mannered child may start screaming and behave badly in front of strangers (in public transport, for example). They break their favorite toys. Mom becomes enemy No. 1, they stop listening to her and may even hit her.

Willfulness - “I can do it myself!”

This should not be confused with the desire for independence. It’s one thing when a child tries again and again to tie a shoelace or scramble an egg in a plate, but at the same time he listens to the advice of adults and does not refuse help. And it’s completely different when he gets angry, doesn’t listen to anyone, does everything wrong, pushes his parents’ hand away. This often ends in sad situations: household appliances are turned on without permission, valuables are damaged, a child goes far from home.

These are the main symptoms of the 3-year crisis, which manifest themselves regularly, quite clearly, and most often in a complex manner. They may be accompanied by other emotional and behavioral abnormalities. The latter are not observed in everyone and not always, but they can aggravate and prolong the course of the crisis. These include:

• distance from parents who lose the child’s trust and may even cease to be an authority for him;
• greed: like adults, children want to have something of their own, and they fiercely guard their property;
• harmfulness is the basis of obstinacy, stubbornness and negativism, often due to a hereditary character trait;
• jealousy: the child demands the attention of a loved one 24/7 and does not want to share it with anyone else;
• unreasonable aggression: at 3 years old, the baby still does not understand what is happening to him, and blames others for all his troubles, which leads to fights, scratching, biting.

Parents must understand that for each child the crisis manifests itself differently, but it happens anyway. For some it is smoother and more calm, for others - with daily violent protests and hysterics. If symptoms are not observed before age 4, it is necessary to consult a psychotherapist because this may indicate a developmental delay.

This is interesting. In psychology, a child experiencing a crisis period of 3 years is compared to a novice driver. At first, after passing the exams and obtaining a license, the newly minted driver is careful, follows all the rules, does not exceed the speed limit, and consults with experienced drivers. But he soon gets used to it, which dulls the feeling of fear: he begins to drive recklessly, tests the capabilities of his car, and tries to express himself as boldly as possible behind the wheel. The baby behaves exactly the same way. Until the age of 3, he watches and gets used to it. And then he tries to realize himself and assert himself through protests and violation of all requirements and rules.

The child is looking for himself

Psychology calls special stages of personality development an age crisis. These periods are characterized by sharp mental changes. Many experts agree that without such changes it is impossible to form character, one’s “I”.

Throughout life, a person goes through a number of such moments. One of the most famous is puberty or the so-called “teenage” period associated with puberty. There is a crisis of newborns, thirty-year-olds and even retirement.

But it is the crisis of three years that is considered one of the most difficult. This is a kind of equator between early childhood and preschool age. During this period, the baby gets to know his “I” and learns to manage it. He separates from his parents and builds new relationships with them. This stage is also conventionally called “I am myself” or the stage of obstinacy.

Some experts compare the behavior of a child during a three-year crisis with the behavior of a novice driver. The first time after receiving a driving license, a newly minted driver is careful, follows the rules, and listens to the experience of experienced drivers. But very soon he gets used to it, and the feeling of fear dulls: the driver begins to drive recklessly, trying to try all the capabilities of his car and prove himself behind the wheel.

Deadlines

Parents faced with a 3-year crisis are primarily interested in how long it lasts and when it should normally end. However, this question is too individual to have a clear answer.

Firstly, it can begin at 2.5 years or at 3.5. Psychologists say that the sooner a child is sent to kindergarten, the sooner a crisis occurs. The main thing is that this happens before the age of 4 - then we can talk about the norm of mental development.

Secondly, it can end within 3 months, or it can last up to one year. This depends on the stability of the nervous system, the child’s temperament, the behavior of the parents and outside psychological help.

Thirdly, a short-term crisis period is most often accompanied by bright appearances, while a protracted period is accompanied by calmer ones. This is the norm. But if it lasts more than six months and uncontrollable hysterics occur annually, a consultation with a psychotherapist is mandatory.

Negative and difficult situations

During a crisis period in a child’s life, adults experience significant difficulties, especially in terms of finding contact, because a child demonstrating protest often behaves unexpectedly and unmotivated.

This is especially acute under unfavorable conditions of upbringing. At the same time, negativism and stubbornness are selective, i.e. manifest themselves purely in relation to the older generation from the inner circle and are almost never found among like-minded peers.

During this difficult period, the baby, regardless of gender, becomes difficult to educate compared to himself before, and also significantly reduces the rate of development.

What to do

Advice from a psychologist will help parents cope with the 3-year-old crisis.

The most important recommendation is to respect the child’s independence. Allow him to perform some basic actions himself. At the same time, prohibitions must also work, which are strictly forbidden to be violated (possing something into a socket, turning on the iron, taking money, biting). By the age of 3, he should already have feasible household responsibilities. He can clean up toys after himself, wipe off dust, and set the table. Yes, his participation will slow down the process, but believe me: it's worth it. This will make him feel independent and needed. This means that the need to prove your adulthood and independence will automatically disappear.

Additional recommendations:

1. Keep calm. Be patient.
2. At the moment of whims, switch attention to something else, interesting: watch your favorite cartoon, take a walk, treat yourself to candy. Use gaming techniques.
3. Sometimes give the right to choose in minor everyday situations: which cartoon to watch, which fairy tale to read, which juice to drink.
4. Scold and punish for some specific action done here and now.
5. Analyze what happened. Talk to your child about what he did wrong and why it was bad.
6. Adhere to a single parenting style. If mom doesn’t allow you to eat chocolate before dinner, but dad spoils his daughter and allows her to do it, negativity will manifest itself as clearly as possible.
7. Show correct behavior by example. Children aged 3 are prone to blind copying. You will achieve nothing if you yourself do what you forbid them to do.
8. Spend as much time together as possible.

“10 is not allowed”: a reminder for parents

1. You cannot insist on immediate fulfillment of a requirement (request). It is better to let the baby cool down and try again after some time.
2. You can't give in to manipulation. Don’t satisfy your child’s every whim just because he’s throwing tantrums—just ignore them.
3. You can’t hang “labels”: greedy, boring, harmful.
4. You can't physically punish.
5. You can't shout.
6. You cannot force your help.
7. You cannot compare a child with other children.
8. You can't give orders.
9. You cannot enter into arguments or bickering.
10. You cannot use complex terms and categories in a conversation that the child does not understand. For example, appeal to conscience or honor.

There is information about the 3-year crisis in the works of L. S. Vygotsky. But they are more scientific in nature, contain many terms and explain all phenomena from a purely psychological point of view. This period is presented more accessible by Dr. Komarovsky. His thematic videos can help parents overcome children's protests.

3 tips from Dr. Komarovsky

Minimum prohibitions

If a child hears the words “no” and “no” from adults too often, this greatly outrages him, and protest grows inside. He needs at least some partial freedom. Constant prohibitions from all sides infringe on him during such an important period of primary maturation and cause psychological trauma. “You can’t” should be said extremely rarely, but at the same time demand unquestioning compliance. This should be a safe word, a danger signal. This is the only way the baby will realize its importance.

Unified parenting style

Komarovsky pays close attention to this. "No!" All family members should tell the child about the same action: parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts, older children. Otherwise, there will be no awareness of the ban, which will aggravate the crisis.

Persistence of prohibitions

The list of prohibitions should be permanent and not change. If today a child is allowed to stay out late, it is useless to demand that he go home on time tomorrow, according to the schedule.

Corrective role-playing games

"Shop"

The child is in the role of a seller. The parent controls the favorite doll, which in this situation is the buyer. She is capricious, throws everything around, cries, screams, rolls on the floor, demands to give her the goods without money. The child must not only see from the outside how terrible this behavior looks, but also recognize himself in the toy. It is allowed to conclude at the end of the game: “You behave the same way. Do you really think that's good?".

"Family"

Any number of people can play. The child is in the role of one of the parents. His task is to put his baby (this can be any toy or one of the adults) to sleep or feed him. If the game is played in the first half of the day, you can play out the same situation as in the “store”: whims, hysterics, tears. If it’s already late afternoon, everything should be quiet, peaceful, calm. Let him sing a lullaby, tell a fairy tale, shelter him, talk tenderly. As a result, this will have a calming effect on him. He himself will fall asleep faster when the time comes.

"Storytellers"

Parents and their children compose fairy tales, the plot of which is similar to what they live every day. For example, the princess refused to eat semolina porridge in the morning. Because of this, she quarreled with her father-king, he got angry and locked her in a high tower, in which she had to languish without walks and her favorite toys. Or a naughty bunny who ran far into the forest from his mother, got lost, and was almost eaten by a gray wolf. There is no need to draw specific analogies with the child; conclusions, as in the “shop” game, are not drawn. He himself must understand the meaning of the fairy tale and say why such misfortunes happened to its heroes.

If a child has a tantrum

The crisis of three years of age is often accompanied by such an unpleasant phenomenon as hysteria. A child can arrange it anywhere: in a store, on the street and even at home.

It is important for parents to know what to do in this situation:

1. Hysteria is a loss of contact with reality. The child falls into a state of passion and is unable to control his behavior. Therefore, do not try to scold him or demand that he stop behaving this way at this moment.
2. Before talking to your child, regulate your own emotional state. Take a deep breath, feel your feet firmly planted on the ground. Assess whether you are ready to help your child now.
3. If the tantrum happened outside the home, take the child to a quiet place. You can squat down next to the baby and hug him.
4. Speak to your child in a calm tone, without raising your voice. Don't judge or scold him. Just help him navigate what happened: “You're crying. You're upset that I didn't buy you a toy."
5. After the child is ready for dialogue, try to divert his attention to something pleasant.
6. Anticipate events. If you are sure that a child will definitely throw a tantrum in a toy store, it is better not to go there with him or agree in advance what you will buy him there.

Read a detailed interview with a psychologist A child throws tantrums: what should parents do?

Professional help

If parents are unable to cope with the manifestations of the crisis on their own, they should seek help from a specialized specialist. For starters, it could be a child psychologist. What warning signs indicate such a need:

• fear of independence and refusal of it;
• detachment from parents;
• tendency towards sadism;
• too frequent and prolonged tantrums;
• emotional and behavioral deviations characteristic of the 3-year-old crisis affect the physical condition.

In case of intense, frequently recurring hypobulic seizures (hysterics or convulsions), the child is referred to a neurologist who conducts a physical examination. It evaluates reflexes, sensitivity, coordination, muscle strength and tone. This is necessary for the differential diagnosis of a crisis with neurological diseases.

If a neurological or mental disorder is diagnosed, a course of treatment is prescribed with the use of pediatric sedatives and other treatment methods. In their absence, a psychocorrection program is implemented to overcome the crisis. It usually consists of the following steps:

1. Working with parents: explaining to them the essence of the 3-year-old crisis and recommendations on how to behave.
2. Working with factors that aggravate and alleviate the crisis. The former are eliminated whenever possible, and emphasis is placed on the latter.
3. Working directly with the child. This can be fairy tale therapy, dance movement therapy, isotherapy, symbol drama, role-playing games, etc.

Usually the matter is limited to 5-6 sessions, as a result of which the child becomes calmer, and parents acquire knowledge of how to behave correctly in critical situations.

Who is L.S. Vygotsky?

Lev Vygotsky is considered an outstanding Russian psychologist, the creator of cultural-historical theory .
The scientist made a real revolution in the field of defectology, and was also one of the first to pay attention to people with disabilities.

When the Western public got tired of the omnipresent Freud, it switched to “life according to Vygotsky.” The famous connoisseur of human souls became a truly cult figure after the translation of his powerful scientific work “Thinking and Speech” into foreign languages ​​- English and Japanese.

Gender characteristics

When overcoming the crisis period of this age, parents should take into account the gender characteristics of their children.

Girls

By the age of 3, they speak much better than boys, so during a crisis they use their verbal abilities for manipulation. In this they must be immediately limited: clearly define what is permissible to say and what is not.

Girls have well-developed auditory perception, so she needs to say all requests loudly and clearly.

Girls are more emotional, which is why they are the ones who most often throw tantrums and act up during a crisis. Given this psychological feature, parents need to direct their overwhelming emotions in the right direction. For example, delegate some of the household chores, get involved in modeling or drawing.

Boys

By the age of 3, boys cannot always express their overwhelming emotions in words. Therefore, they result in aggression and isolation. To prevent this, talk to your baby every day about what happened, what he feels and what he wants.

Boys have well-developed visual perception, and they ignore half the information. Therefore, it is better to show him everything clearly. Don’t waste time saying “Put the toys away!”, but bring them to them and show them where to put them.

By the age of 3, boys already develop a need to explore the world around them. Therefore, they run around a lot, look into every basement and open hatch, climb trees and fences, put something in sockets, disassemble (= break) household appliances. To avoid injury, parents must clearly define territorial restrictions for them.

How to get out of a crisis

It is important for parents to understand that the changes occurring in the child’s behavior are a natural process that nothing can influence. During a baby's crisis:

• speech, will and independence, creative abilities develop;
• imitation of elders is observed;
• socialization develops;
• the basic concept of a sense of security is formed.

At three years old, the baby opens the boundaries between himself and the world around him, he learns to distinguish between what is permitted and what is prohibited. At this time, it is important for parents to explain to the child that he must respect others and be able to sympathize.

If a three-year-old child is sent to kindergarten, his socialization occurs much faster. If there are problems communicating with other children, parents should explain to the child why it is necessary to share with others, and when to refuse.

If your child wants to do something on his own, don’t forbid him. Thus, he learns to evaluate his capabilities and get used to independence.

Also at this time, it is important to instill hygiene skills: eat carefully, wash your hands, brush your teeth, get dressed.