Often parents of preschool and school-age children think about how to teach their child to stand up for themselves. Parents are concerned about the child’s excessive calm and friendliness: they may take his things away from him or call him names and tease him, but he remains calm and allows himself to continue to be bullied.
Why can’t a child fight back against his offenders? How can I help him? What can and cannot be done by parents in this case? This article will help you understand the issues that concern you.
Recommendation #2: Teach your child not to remain silent when he is insulted
If a child is called names, he should under no circumstances remain silent. This is a sign of weakness. Especially at school.
Instead, the child should respond to any insult directed at himself to the bully in kind. Preferably, more offensive name-calling of your opponent. So that he understands: there is no need to offend a child under any circumstances.
Mothers and grandmothers love to teach children that insults should be answered with silence. Like, this way the child will show that he is smarter. And the bully will no longer bully him. But be honest: have you ever seen a tactic like this work? Hardly.
If a child remains silent in response to insults, the bully will continue to humiliate him. Because he will understand: nothing will happen to him for this. We recommend teaching the boy to respond to insults gracefully. “Strike” with words those shortcomings of the bully that will allow him to be ridiculed in front of the whole class. And they will make sure that he no longer interferes with the child.
How to teach boys and girls to defend themselves against attacks from their peers?
In general, the advice will be the same for both girls and boys; they were all described above. But as for how to teach your son to defend himself, it is better to pay more attention to sports, so that if something happens he can stand up for the girl.
Fighting is not always the only way to defend yourself. Not everything in life can be achieved with fists. The main thing is to be able to get out of conflict situations without a single blow, through calm negotiations.
Other problems in kindergarten and their solutions are discussed in separate articles on our website. Read about what to do if a child is often sick, whether it is worth taking a sick person to kindergarten and how to increase immunity, about what to do if a child fights, does not sleep or eat, or even refuses to attend kindergarten.
Recommendation #3: Every act of physical violence must be responded to appropriately.
Here's an example:
- If a child is hit on the shoulder with a fist, he should do the same.
- If a child is given a butt, then he must give a butt in return.
- If a child is hit in the face with a hand, he should do the same.
This is necessary in order to show the bully: for every action there will be a reaction. Which must be done with more force than the bully did. So that the latter, again, loses the desire to show physical aggression towards your child.
Recommendation #4: What should a child do if they have given him an offensive nickname?
If a child has been given an offensive nickname, he has two ways to solve the problem:
- Come up with an offensive nickname for the bully. It must be truly unpleasant for the offender. So that he understands: it is better not to insult your son, since his offensive nickname may be popularized in the class. And everyone will call him that way. To ensure that your child always has the opportunity to respond to an offensive nickname, be prepared. Sit down with your son at the table. And come up with offensive nicknames for all your child’s classmates. So that, in the event of a conflict situation, he can respond to insults in his direction.
- Respond to an offensive nickname with a fight. This method is very radical. And it’s only suitable if the child is in elementary school. From fifth to seventh. In older grades, it is better not to use physical force. As part of this method, the child must fight with the bully for an offensive nickname. Defeat him. And tell him to never call him that way again. The method is quite effective. Because after a fight, hooligans stop bullying. And sometimes they even become friends with the child.
"I always lose"
Kolya runs faster, Tanya draws better... Children love to be the first and the best and have a hard time with losing. Here you cannot do without explanations - long and constant, until you are convinced. Sample text: “It doesn’t happen that someone is always and everywhere first. Such ideal people do not exist. You can be stronger in some ways, weaker in some ways, you can do some things well, and some things you can’t – that’s normal. If you lost, it doesn’t mean that you are worse than others or somehow different. This means that someone was better prepared. For example, at the Olympics there is a champion, and there are those who took second and third place. And they are happy too. And those who did not take any place do not despair and continue to train.”
Show that you can lose gracefully. For example, when you play board games with your child at home, say: “I wish you victory. I know how upset you get when you lose. Come on, if this happens again, you will tell me: “Congratulations on your victory!” And I say to you: “Thank you! I wish you to win next time!”
And also explain that any victory must be fair. If you trip up and deceive, it’s called meanness. They will notice it anyway, no one will praise you, but on the contrary, they will condemn you, and they will be right.
Recommendation #5: Ensure that the child is not afraid of anyone or anything
Your task is to cultivate courage in your child from early childhood. And also the absence of fear in relation to anything. For example, if an offender approaches him in the school hallway and tries to humiliate him, then he should behave calmly. Speak in a confident voice. Make sure there is no trembling in him. And also so that the speech is coherent and understandable.
Also, the child must be prepared for a fight to break out. However, it is strictly not recommended to be the first to get into it. Because in this case the child will have problems with teachers.
A child should react calmly to attempts to insult himself. Respond to insults in the same way. And try to mentally crush your opponent. If he manages to achieve this, then the situation will not come to a fight.
Kids need help too
Almost all of the above applies rather to children of older preschool and school age. But what about the parents of those kids who are still difficult to teach how to properly respond to attacks from their peers, because they are still very young.
Babies show interest in other children at approximately 14-16 months. Two-year-olds can already be taught to interact, but usually they concentrate on their play.
Even when babies are already 2-3 years old, it is difficult for them to understand what adults mean by the words “give change.” But even here you can use the recommendations of psychologists.
Kids are not able to sort out conflict, so you must always be on guard. Try to watch the game all the time and be there if you need help.
Use a trick: involve several positive-minded children in one game. This way you will force the bullies to obey the rules so as not to be left out of the game.
Don't let your kids behave aggressively. We need to teach the little ones flexibility and goodwill towards each other.
If all of your child's toys have been taken away and he is quietly playing with one shovel, do not rush to conclusions. This does not mean at all that “he will be offended all his life.”
Try to teach your child to show his peers if their actions are unpleasant to him. For example, let him ask why the offender is doing this and explain that no one plays with pugnacious children.
You will not notice how the baby grows up, and by the age of 6-7 years he will not have to be taught the rules and prohibitions in communicating with peers.
Perhaps many parents are still of the opinion that a blow should be followed by the same response. This is quite logical. But we live in a civilized world, where generosity and compliance are welcomed, the ability to establish new contacts and the ability to win someone over are valued. These instilled qualities will serve the child well in the future.
Recommendation #6: Teach your child to refuse
Most children, unknowingly, make serious mistakes at school. They begin to do homework for others. They carry textbooks for their classmates. They give their pocket money to other children in response to their requests. And so on.
At first, such requests look absolutely harmless. But then, after a few years, they develop into a rather dire situation. Within the framework of which, other classmates begin to exploit the child. Take advantage of his gullibility. And they turn him into an “errand boy.”
To prevent this from happening, you need to have a conversation with your child. Explain the consequences of indulging in such requests from classmates. And also teach your child to say “No.”
Explain to your son that you need to help only if the person really cannot cope without his help. If he can do everything himself, but nevertheless asks your child, then most likely he is trying to manipulate him. In such situations, the boy needs to say “No.”
Causes of conflicts and ways to resolve them
Peaceful, calm children are more likely than others to become victims of aggressive behavior of their peers, which makes parents think about how to teach their child to fight back. Typically, conflicts occur due to divergent personal interests. The cause of a child's quarrel or fight can be offensive words, toys or a place on sports and entertainment facilities installed on the playground.
The development of children's communicative competence presupposes the ability to independently make a choice - to give in to offenders or to actively resist them. However, the participation of parents in the conflict is not limited to the role of observers. To teach how to defend oneself, you need to psychologically prepare the child for such situations and explain how to behave depending on the circumstances.
You can teach your child to immediately run to complain to elders or immediately strike the offender. If you want to raise a brawler or a sneak, you can limit yourself to these instructions without trying to understand the reasons for the current situation, without trying to delve into the inner world of a child experiencing difficulties. However, having assessed the prospects and taking care of the future of an immature person, it is worth teaching the child to stand up for himself, as required by his rights.
The first thing worth drawing his attention to is that no person has the right to offend another. Psychologists recommend that parents who want to teach their son or daughter to stand up for themselves should focus their children’s attention on such methods of resolving conflicts as communication and agreement
Professionals believe that it is always possible to reach an agreement with the opposing party. Moreover, in this situation, children from an early age learn the art of diplomacy and “bloodless” settlement of disputes.
To teach a boy or girl to stand up for themselves, it is important to discuss with them in detail all possible controversial issues and explain how best to react in each specific situation. The power of a correctly used word or quick feet if you have to run away are a worthy alternative to open physical violence.
Negotiation skills are instilled through stories about similar real situations from the past of parents, relatives, and acquaintances.
Before choosing a tactic of action, it is worth considering whether it is necessary to teach the child not to be afraid to fight if any physical clash is fraught with consequences such as physical and mental injury. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, for example, by teaching a girl or boy how to react to hurtful words, provocations, and other manifestations of intolerance and aggression from others.
Recommendation #7: Let your child know that you will always help him if necessary.
The child should know that he can always count on your support. Tell your child that if he needs help, for example during a verbal argument or fight, you will be there for him. And, if something happens, you can intervene in the situation.
For example, sit in a car and watch events unfold from there. Stand next to him, where he cannot be seen. Or watch from the windows of a nearby building.
If you are with your child in a stressful situation, he will feel more comfortable and confident. Will be able to put the offender in his place. And he will not be afraid, if something happens, to give him physical rebuff.
Is it necessary to teach how to fight back against offenders?
Of course you need it! After all, the main task of parents is to raise an independent and self-sufficient person who will understand that no one should get away with an attack without reason.
But this does not mean that you need to teach your child to immediately use his fists in conflict situations. In any case, self-control will not hurt. You need to not only teach your child the ability to defend himself, but also to get out of trouble with dignity, not to be too upset by attacks and not to take them to heart.
Recommendation #8: Enroll your child in martial arts
Martial arts will help cultivate spirit, strength and fearlessness in a child. If a boy does them, he will become strong. Get a toned figure. Will begin to feel more confident. He will find true friends who, if anything happens, will stand up for him. And he will never be afraid of anything.
Martial arts is a very rewarding sport. It will allow your child to develop in all directions. Both physically and spiritually. Therefore, we definitely recommend enrolling your child in the martial arts section.
Problems in kindergarten
From the age of three, children begin to communicate with peers. They are just learning to interact with each other, and therefore, from this age, it is necessary to explain to them how to behave with other children. Such children cannot yet understand the conflict themselves, so your constant monitoring is necessary.
Do not stray far from your baby while they are playing together, and if you feel that your child is uncomfortable in a new society, intervene in the game and try to solve the troubles that arise.
Recommendation #9: Teach your child not to cross the red lines
If a child gets into a verbal altercation with his offender, then he should feel the red lines. And under no circumstances should you go beyond them. Until the opponent does it.
The following topics are considered red lines in a verbal skirmish:
- Insulting parents.
- Insulting a child by nationality.
- Insulting a child if he has any serious disabilities. For example, your legs don't work well. There is autism. And so on.
These topics are very sensitive. Under no circumstances should they be mentioned during verbal altercations. Because it might offend the bully too much.
You can move on to such topics only if the offender first touched upon them. For example, if you insulted the child’s mother or father.
Correcting family education methods
The inability to protect oneself can also arise due to upbringing.
- Parents do not allow the child to see the resolution of conflicts in the family. But most reactions, including defensive ones, are learned by children from adults.
- A very strong-willed mother, accustomed to taking all the burdens and difficulties upon herself, does not give the child the opportunity to try to solve his problems himself, even if he is capable of doing so.
- The mother or another relative controls the baby’s every movement, not allowing him to do anything on his own (“Don’t run, you’ll fall,” “Don’t climb there,” “Move away from the slide,” etc.).
- During the formation of independent skills (usually at three years old), the child was protected from them.
Recommendation #10: What to do if a bully insults a child’s parents?
If a bully insults a child's parents, then there are two options for solving the problem. Or start a fight. Or insult the bully's parents in return. Much worse and stronger than he did.
There is no need to remain silent under any circumstances. Because then the child will begin to be very oppressed. And they will constantly insult his parents. It will be very unpleasant for the child to hear this. Moreover, so much so that it can break him morally.
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Rule two. Do not respond to attempts to humiliate you!
Of course, no one has ever managed to escape from teasing, nicknames and name-calling. Another question is how to respond to them. Distorting one's own last name or first name can make someone cry in the school toilet, while others can make them smile. Teach your child to ignore teasing and not to come up with nicknames for other people, because everyone has a name. You just need to internalize this truth, but not get hung up on it. If a child starts explaining to everyone with trembling lips that in fact “I have a name!!!”, this will only inflame the crowd. “Don’t react or smile back,” is an unexpected but pleasant take on name-calling from a home-grown optimist. Just imagine how this simple philosophy will help a child in the future when people say things much more offensive to him than teasing him in kindergarten.
