What is responsibility and how is it related to independence?
In the most general sense, responsibility is understood as the ability of an individual to recognize and accept the consequences of a voluntarily performed action.
This concept is often associated with independence, which, although close in meaning to responsibility, still has significant differences. Children's independence can be described in two words: “I myself.” This is the ability of a child or teenager to act without the intervention and active support of an adult. Responsibility is described in other words: “I will do it.” Simply put, the child follows the agreement and does independently what he promised to do.
If you look at the examples, doing homework without mom’s help is independence. And when a child remembers the lessons and completes them without prodding and with a clear conscience, this is responsibility. It is interesting that independent children are not always responsible, but responsible children are independent.
As for the chronological order, independence appears first, and responsibility develops on its basis. The youngest preschooler can also be independent, doing the cleaning, dressing, and eating with a spoon on his own. But teenagers are usually responsible, and only with proper upbringing.
It is important to understand that it is easier to raise an independent rather than a responsible child. Independence is formed on the basis of the skills the baby acquires as he grows up. The ability to be responsible for one’s actions is a more complex psychological phenomenon. And not every adult is able to cope with this “moral burden.”
The horror and chaos of academic life
The child went to school, having forgotten his pencil case and swimming trunks for the pool at home, had a late lunch at home and dangled his legs until the evening, then suddenly grabbed his homework (discovering that he had not written down assignments in a couple of subjects), hastily packed his backpack and climbed into bed for an hour and a half later than it should have been. Is this a familiar picture? If not, congratulations! – you are a rare sight among parents of schoolchildren. And most mothers and fathers spend years waving carrots and sticks to teach their child to be independent.
But let's deal with everything in order. Firstly, is children's carelessness and forgetfulness normal? – psychologists answer: yes! In most cases, children need a lot of time to learn to cope with their responsibilities independently. The formation of this skill continues until the age of 13-15, and this is a normal human process. After all, we are organisms, not mechanisms, our life is smooth and flexible, it is very dependent on external conditions and does not always fit neatly into frames and cells. And children are especially spontaneous and uncollected, and it’s not for nothing that a road sign “Caution, children!” is always placed near schools. - This is another reminder to adults that we must long and patiently teach our offspring to be attentive and control themselves. In addition, much depends on the heredity and characteristics of the nervous system of a small person, experts say. If mom or dad “caught crows” in childhood and lost their notebooks, then the child will not be able to demonstrate the wonders of self-organization.
Then the second question arises: how, after all, to teach a child to be organized and independent? And here, first of all, you need to remember that, regardless of the type of nervous system and propensity for creative chaos, organization is a skill that can be mastered. In other words, we can install software called Self-Control and Discipline into our child's body. But unpacking and installing this software will take some time and the package may not install the first time. Although, with persistence on our part, everything will work out.
Parents sometimes go to two extremes.
The first extreme: let everything take its course, “throw the child into the water so that he learns to swim.” In this case, the participation of parents in the child’s school life is minimal (going to meetings, signing in the diary), the child does everything herself - and she herself deals with the consequences of her forgetfulness. In such a situation, the child may “swim out”, or he may stall for a long time, running into a pile of problems that seem insoluble to him. With this approach, parents are sometimes driven by intense busyness, and very often by the terrifying idea that “if I babysit him, he will NEVER learn to organize himself!”
The other extreme is to control the child in everything, help him wake up, have breakfast, take him to school, relentlessly study with him and keep track of school assignments, worry about twos and threes more than the student himself. Parents act “with the best intentions,” but there is a risk that the child will become so accustomed to support and constant urging that it will be difficult for him to take responsibility for his studies (and, in the long term, his life) and exercise conscious SELF-control.
And, probably, somewhere between these extremes lies the golden mean that is suitable for your family.
Independence does not equal responsibility
Photo: https://www.pexels.com/ru-ru/photo/5907606/ We have already mentioned this briefly, but it is worth revealing this nuance in more detail.
If a teenager knows how to clean, walk the dog, cook breakfast, read books, this does not mean that he will clean up without your reminder, get up every morning for a dog walk, or leaf through the literature assigned for home study. Maybe does not mean it will definitely do. If your goal is to instill responsibility in children, then be prepared for the fact that there will be many mistakes, failures, shirking from action and reluctance to make decisions. And that's completely normal. Responsible behavior develops gradually and becomes a skill or habit after a certain amount of time. In addition, experience is also important when parents are not afraid to give their child the opportunity to make a choice.
You also need to set priorities: pack a school backpack yourself or provide this opportunity to your child, but then he will be late for school. If order, strict adherence to all norms, and an unwillingness to face discomfort are important to you, then you will have to forget about children’s independence and responsibility. The child must learn to make decisions and face the consequences of his choice. This is an axiom! If you want, the law of the universe.
When to start developing responsibility in a child
Young children are infantile by nature and do not know how to be responsible. Until the age of three, children generally do not evaluate the consequences of their actions. Yes, the child says to his mother: “I myself,” but this does not mean that he is aware of the final results of his action. But this desire to do everything yourself forms independence, which, as we know, is the basis of responsibility.
In preschool and primary school age, children become more independent and begin to make informed decisions. Of course, infantility has not yet disappeared, so it is difficult to demand from a seven-year-old schoolchild high-quality cleaning or a responsible approach to doing homework. How to teach a child responsibility at 8 years old? Only by giving instructions and allowing mistakes.
It should be understood that each child is an individual. Even if you do everything right, this does not mean that in adolescence your son or daughter will become the most responsible person. Much depends on temperament, level of intelligence, social environment. But you need to cultivate independence, and we will tell you how this can be done using specific examples.
How to teach a child responsibility
So, the formation of responsibility occurs individually in each case, however, a number of universal rules and advice can be identified. They will help teach your child to make decisions and understand the consequences of their actions and choices.
Personal example of parents
A child learns about the world, including by looking at his parents. And if you want to instill responsibility in your child, start with yourself. Did you promise to read a fairy tale? Do it. Do you want your son to come to school on time? Don't be late for work yourself. And so on. Otherwise, children see double standards (mom can do it, I can’t), and also understand that irresponsible behavior is still acceptable.
Consistent approach
You can’t just tell your child: “Starting tomorrow, you yourself will monitor the completion of your homework. I won’t remind you.” You need to start small, gradually expanding the area and boundaries of responsibility. For example, today he keeps track of time and starts his written work without delay. Tomorrow he will check his own mistakes. The day after tomorrow - chooses the topic of the essay according to your taste and desire.
Right to make mistakes
How to teach a teenager responsibility if you forbid him to make mistakes or scold him for every mistake?
Correct answer: no way. Responsible behavior cannot be imagined without previous negative experience. Yes, yes, those same mistakes, broken knees, bad grades and other consequences that accompany the decision and choice made. Parents must recognize the child’s right to make mistakes. It is generally difficult to imagine our life without failures; we cannot insure ourselves against them. And you should teach your child how to learn a lesson and useful experience from a mistake. Should you scold or punish for a mistake? In most cases no.
A sequence such as “choice → mistake → punishment → fear of initiative” only discourages the child from taking responsibility. The following connection looks much more correct: “choice → error → analysis of the situation → conclusions, error correction.” This is responsible behavior.
Encouraging independence
Photo: https://www.pexels.com/ru-ru/photo/5529590/
We have already talked about this, but we will repeat it again. Forming responsibility in children is impossible without developing independence. If the mother follows the lesson schedule, fills out the diary, washes the dishes after the child and makes the bed, then we cannot talk about raising an independent and responsible person.
You need to start small: the same washing cups and spoons and dressing yourself. But this applies to small children. If we talk about how to teach a child responsibility at the age of 12 and a little older, then you need to select activities that are age appropriate.
For example, you can instruct your teenager to look for cheap plane tickets, gifts for relatives, etc. Or offer him to buy food for lunch, on his own, not according to the list. Let him buy what he considers necessary, and then see what can be prepared from it.
Establishing a connection between an action and a consequence
A responsible adult understands that every action, decision or choice has a consequence. But young children often do not see cause-and-effect relationships. Parents need to be helped to understand this with specific examples. It is best if they concern the child himself.
Let's say a baby was jumping in puddles, and then his feet got wet, and he started coughing. If you convey this cause-and-effect relationship to him, then next time he will think a hundred times before getting into a puddle. After all, having caught a cold, he will not be able to walk outside, launch boats, or play with other children.
As for teenagers, they usually understand the connection between an action and a consequence. If they stubbornly do not notice it, you can resort to some tricks. Let's say a child spent his pocket money on sweets or entertainment. This means that he will not receive any more money this month, and the purchase of headphones, for which he saved coins and bills, will be postponed indefinitely.
No comparisons
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All people are different, this statement does not require proof and works great in the case of teaching responsibility. So comparing a child with “mother’s friend’s son” is extremely unproductive and even harmful. And if a neighbor’s child at the age of 10 independently traveled to the other end of the city for training, this does not mean that your son is capable of such “feats.”
Moreover, you should avoid making comparisons with yourself in the past. Of course, the phrase “Here I am at your age” flatters your pride, but does not motivate the child in any way. You existed in different life circumstances, you were surrounded by a different environment, and the experience of resolving this or that situation was also different.
Rights = responsibilities
As for teenagers, at the age of 12-16 years old the “rights – responsibilities” combination has proven itself to be excellent. If a child has many responsibilities and he copes with all of them successfully, the wider the list of his rights should be. And on the contrary, if he refuses to fulfill his obligations, then he loses some of his rights.
Along with rights and responsibilities, there are privileges and sanctions. A teenage child must be aware that irresponsibility destroys trust and leads to the imposition of sanctions.
Parenting strategy
Karina, Lida and Masha are mothers of 5-year-old children, they often meet on the playground. They are concerned with issues of raising children. Karina argues that children should be given freedom, but freedom without restrictions is permissiveness. Lida says that a child must grow up freely, almost without restrictions, in order to grow up to be a creative person. Well, Masha firmly defends her line of upbringing: the child is still too young to know what is good and what is bad, and everything should be decided by the parents. Who is right?
The formation of responsibility begins with the style of parenting: authoritative, permissive or authoritarian.
- An authoritative parent combines a high degree of control with acceptance and support of children's growing independence; There are clear rules of behavior, and the parent discusses them with the child. Such parents raise the most responsible children.
- Parents of the permissive style hardly limit the behavior of their children, and when they try to limit, they do it so uncertainly that the child does not obey. The family maintains a kind, cordial atmosphere. But such children experience difficulties in situations where they need to restrain their impulses or postpone pleasure for the sake of business.
- The authoritarian style of parental behavior consists of strict control over the behavior of children who are excluded from the decision-making process. Whatever happens, “order is order.” This style of parenting leads to the suppression of initiative and the desire to make one’s own decisions for fear of punishment. And ultimately, either the grown-up child begins to rebel and gains independence, breaking all ties with his parents, or remains an irresponsible performer for the rest of his life.
The “golden mean” is, of course, an authoritative parenting style, because it balances the necessary control over the child’s behavior and providing him with reasonable independence.
How to teach your child responsibility in school
Of course, it would be great if studying is the child’s personal matter and responsibility. However, there is a risk that the educational process left to chance will lead to the fact that the student will stop studying / will receive only bad results / will constantly forget his briefcase, textbooks / will begin to be late for his first lessons...
To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to sensibly assess the child’s capabilities and find for him the golden mean of responsible behavior in his studies. That is, there is no need to go to extremes. Firstly, to overestimate the capabilities of a schoolchild, thinking that at the age of 10 he is already able to track his progress and plan his activities. Secondly, make excessive demands on the teenager, when complete control negates all efforts to instill responsibility.
Photo: https://www.pexels.com/ru-ru/photo/4144696/
To ensure that you are not disappointed with the results, there are several important aspects to keep in mind.
- Age characteristics. Age is not just numbers and the number of celebrated birthdays, but an objective factor. For example, some areas of the cerebral cortex are finally formed by the age of 13. This applies to the frontal lobes, which are responsible for making plans, forecasts, and controlling their activities.
- Step by step process. Any skill develops in stages. First, the parent does everything for the child, then the child does something together with the parent, and only then does it independently. This also applies to studies, when parental control is needed at certain stages.
- Organization of the process. An adult is more experienced than a child, which means it is he who should help the student master the skill. To instill responsibility for learning, you need to properly organize the entire process. For example, make a list of things that are needed for each lesson, allocate time for homework, etc.
Any task or problem must be solved based on childhood experience. If a child can solve his own homework and put up with his classmates, there is no need to interfere. If there is no experience in solving the problem, you need to help the student in the first stages, and then step aside and let him do everything himself.
Free from control - allow to make choices
Every parent's superpower is multitasking. They remember almost everything and constantly double-check themselves and others: whether the child has learned a poem in English, whether he has bought a contour map, whether his sneakers for physical education are dry.
In fact, total control has more disadvantages than advantages. For example, in a study about motivation, three principles were identified that develop it:
- Autonomy: feeling like I decided to do my homework myself
- Competence: Feeling like I'm a dishwasher
- The need for connection with other people: Petya and I are on the same wavelength, he sends me a cool meme, and I respond to him with my reaction
In addition, it has already been proven that the more control around a person, the less confident and competent he feels.
The child’s sense of self plays an important role: does he have that same feeling of “I can” and the freedom to act without verification. Adults can facilitate this: “I see your drawing. Wow, such nice colors! Yes, try mixing other colors. Will you show your work at my birthday? All the guests will be surprised, and I will be pleased..."
