I am a technician's statements and examples from life

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Excellent communication, calm and thoughtful, brings benefit and satisfaction. But positive emotions are not always present. Resentment, pain, anger and irritation lead to a decline in mood.

When anger accumulates, negativity is released. In psychology, there is a technique that helps to relax the created tension and avoid destructive quarrels in the family and in the team.

The concept of the “I statement” technique

The narrator, smoothing out negative emotions, uses the required statements in the first person, thereby excluding direct accusatory speech directed at the listener. By paying attention to the positive aspects of the interlocutor, the line between stumbling and misunderstanding is erased. In order to approach the problem more softly and delicately, a person speaks directly about his feelings, condition, thoughts and deeds, without blaming others. This results in an open dialogue about desires and possibilities.

The reception is appropriate among relatives and friends. By expressing your painful worries and bewilderments, you stop being alone with sad thoughts, which are sometimes completely unfounded. As a result of a frank conversation, ways to resolve tension are identified and the necessary words and phrases are found. Such statements act as a preventive method. It is much easier to prevent a conflict than to figure out who is more to blame for the event.

Exercises to help you learn to use I statements

Track and write down how you feel in typical conflict situations with your child.
Track and write down what typical phrases or formulations you use in communicating with your child and in resolving conflicts with him. If there are you statements among them, then rewrite them in the form of I statements.
Track and write down the reasons for the feelings you have during conflicts.
Make a list of possible sanctions that, in your opinion, should be applied in case of violations of agreements and rules of conduct.
Using this information, write 1-3 I-statements for each conflict situation that you often have with your child, so that you do not have to formulate them from scratch at the time of conflict.

Cautions for use

I statements are a harmless technique. But this is only at first glance. A thoughtless and rude approach will increase the intensity and lead to a final break in the relationship; soft requests in the form of a message will veil personal words and transfer the effect to the partner. The center of attention is justified only when a person is a sufficiently strong personality. Otherwise, statements will be perceived as hostile.

You can become a stronger person by clearing your mind of: negative emotions, psychological complexes, limiting beliefs, harmful attitudes and other mental garbage. The Turbo-Suslik system does this quite quickly and efficiently.

Women are more emotional and susceptible to experiences. For them, expression through feelings is logical and familiar. Men are used to action. The communication scheme in the form of requests and instructions is acceptable and understandable to them. But demands can perfectly intertwine with each other and, without dividing them by gender, stand for a reasonable and responsible basis. The main thing is to accept with all your heart what is said out loud.

Make it a rule to communicate your wishes to your partner, maintaining an atmosphere of trust and camaraderie. Statements that undermine the self-esteem of the interlocutor lead to resentment and disappointment. To give the conversation a living form, talk about yourself and for yourself, then taking responsibility for the speech spoken, you direct emotions directly to your personality, which is able to understand what is happening in the soul. No one can know more than you yourself.

Benefits of Using the I-Statement Technique

Anyone who has mastered the technique of “I-statements” receives the following opportunities:

Directly state your own interests in both business and personal relationships.
Reduce your level of emotional stress.
It is natural to behave more confidently and set the desired character of communication.
Resist pressure and manipulation. Maintain self-esteem.
Put your partner in a situation of responsible choice.
Resolve contradictions and conflicts constructively.

Construction scheme

It is necessary to describe the situation that caused the tension: “When I see that you...”; “When this happened, then...”; “When I was faced with the fact that...”
Choose precise words to convey the feeling you are experiencing: “I feel (pain, anger, disappointment, etc.)”; “I don’t know how to perceive...”; “I’m having difficulties...”
Reasons and specifics: “Because...”; "Due to the fact that…".

By understanding the correct construction of a statement, you will make your task easier and will be able to quickly provide an explanation to your interlocutor.

Step-by-step technology:

1 step. Specific facts. Report the events that happened without embellishing them with detailed sketches.

You can say, “I cried when you said about the poorly baked pie.”
Step 2. Experienced feelings and bodily sensations based on the stated fact - “I was disappointed in trying to surprise you, my eyebrows furrowed, a tear rolled down.”
Step 3. Justification for the thoughts, ideas and fantasies that have come - “I think that you do not perceive my culinary abilities because you were brought up in the family of a famous chef.”
Step 4 Proposals and dreams - “I want us to make a dessert together on our day off.”
Step 5 Expressed intentions - “I will listen to your advice in order to subsequently gain experience and apply the acquired knowledge in practice.”

The sequence of steps occurs in the described mode. Don't experiment or change places. You can skip the last point if a truce has been reached, but you should not violate the logic.

“I-statement” technology (5 steps)

1 step.
Data. Only facts that happened in reality are mentioned, i.e. what actually happened. For example: “When you told me I looked bad, I cried.”
Step 2.
Feelings. Expressing feelings regarding this fact. “I feel...” For example: “At the same time, I felt offended. I'm offended". Bodily sensations. (You can talk about them too - look at the situation) Expression of bodily sensations related to these feelings. “I feel...” For example: “My nose tingled and I wanted to cry.”
Step 3.
Thoughts. Here thoughts, assumptions, hypotheses, fantasies, interpretations, ideas are expressed. “I think”, “I guess”, “It seems to me”, etc. For example: “I think that you don’t love me and that you don’t care about me.” If at this step you notice that your feelings are overwhelming, then return to step 2.
Step 4
Desires. Any desires, perhaps dreams, are expressed here. That is, what you would like to ask this person. For example: “And I want to ask you to pay more attention to me and tell me when I look good.” This step helps in resolving conflicts and establishing relationships. Here it is also possible to return to step 2, that is, to the feelings that you experience.
Step 5
Intentions. Expressing what you are going to do and how, in connection with the fact that happened. “I’m going to”, “I will”, “I won’t”. For example: “And I will try not to constantly tell you that you don’t love me.” The 5th step is not always applied, but depending on the situation. Sometimes only 4 steps are enough. However, you should not skip or swap any of the 4 steps.

This is a very good technique that helps to cope with feelings, prevents them from being pushed inside and teaches you to express feelings in words. Practice it alone if it is currently difficult for you to do this with a partner, and then apply it directly in conflict situations.

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Read the section The Path of Self-Knowledge on the esoteric portal naturalworld.guru.

Examples of behavior

The technique is clear when readers are presented with visuals in the form of composed phrases and statements and counterexamples that highlight the incorrectness of the judgment. The development of side effects and the course of the process itself depend on this.

Incorrect: “You don’t love me.” True: “The expression of your feelings is important to me.”
Incorrect: “Why do you keep interrupting my story?” True: “I have difficulty concentrating. Listen to the end and ask the question you want.”
Incorrect: “Why are you being rude?” True: “Incorrect treatment leads to personal humiliation. Respect me, I will try to be patient.”
Incorrect: “Your behavior is terrible.” True: “Your behavior upset me. You can be different.”
Incorrect: “You are using my things without permission.” True: “I feel uncomfortable when things are located in other places. Ask permission and I will be happy to tell you how to use them and where they are.”
Incorrect: “You live by your work.” True: “I feel lonely in the evenings without you.”
Incorrect: “You are not listening to me.” True: “Your opinion is important to me, listen to me.”

These are not all examples that happen in life. Statements require an individual approach to the situation. In a business situation, an outburst of feelings is inappropriate, and requests and planned actions are more effective. In the process of strong anger, selected statements can increase the strength of discord.

The presented technique helps to express accumulated feelings in words, rethink them, and find a way out of the situation. If you find it difficult and uncomfortable because of implausibility, practice the lessons learned when troubles arise and a small quarrel begins. Then, by thinking over phrases, you will amaze those around you with the wisdom of your thoughts, the morality of your statements and the logic of your actions. You will be a bright, peaceful, loving, understanding and lively person.

Training Children and Parents

Important!
“I-statement” in itself is neither good nor bad, everything is determined by who, where, how and why it is used.
Now try to choose the most correct continuations when watching videos, study the correct and incorrect answers:

Dirty dishes

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The main thing: not only your child is present in the situation, but also his friend.

For a teenager, it is often more important how he looks in the eyes of his peers than in the eyes of adults, including parents.
Therefore, you should not make comments to him in the presence of other teenagers, try to control him, or try to provoke him into a frank conversation. “I-statement” is best used alone with the child. This time it worked, but it could have been different. The teenager could perceive (interpret) it as a desire to make him and his friend feel guilty and take a defensive position. The presence of a friend, and even in such a situation, greatly influences how the teenager will perceive your words. In this situation, the most correct reaction would be to ask in a calm tone to remove and wash the dirty dishes, and to postpone the conversation with the child using “I statements” until later, when you are alone. Important: the “I-statement” must be appropriate and appropriate to the situation.

D in history

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In the video, after his mother uses the “I-statement,” the boy sits down to study history. However, this is only an ideal option. In real life, it is not at all necessary that the “I-statement” will immediately lead to the desired behavior. But it will be the first step towards mutual understanding. Important!

The “I-statement” is not a method of getting a child to do something. This is just a way to establish contact and trust.

Call to school

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When communicating on the phone, we do not see the interlocutor. The main thing we pay attention to is intonation and meaning. When communicating with a teenager over the phone, it is ineffective to find out the reasons for something, give instructions, educate, or discuss. Still you don't see the reaction. But reacting to what you hear using the “I-statement” is quite normal. It is advisable that your intonations are not too emotional.

Now read more about “I-statements”:

“I-STATEMENTS” (MESSAGES)

"I-statements"

is a way of communicating to your child information about your own needs, feelings, emotions or opinions. At the same time, you do not condemn or criticize him. You report only what you want, what you feel, what you need, what you think about something. At the same time, you do not indicate what the child should do, do not evaluate his behavior and, especially, his personality. You don't give instructions, don't talk about what is right or wrong from your point of view. In other words, you are not pressuring, judging, or blaming him. By using “I statements,” you are discussing only the child’s specific action, not the child himself.

THE MAIN DIFFERENCE between “I-statements” and “You-statements”

You-statement is a way of communicating information to someone about himself, his behavior, character traits, and so on, often with generalizations, avoiding a specific situation. “I-statement” is only about your attitude, feelings, emotions in relation to specific situation. In the “I-statement” the pronouns “your”, “yours”, etc. used ONLY to describe a SPECIFIC act.

When is it appropriate to use:

When you feel that you are not understood, you want to be taken into account more. In other words, when the problem is you, not the child.

Examples:

The child came home very late. You were worried, worried. It's your problem. The child received a bad grade and is worried about it. This is his problem. You have been reprimanded about your child's behavior. It's unpleasant for you. It's your problem. What “I-statements” give:

— increase the effectiveness of influencing the child in order to change his behavior that is unacceptable for the parent; - increase mutual understanding between parent and child; - help smooth out the child’s defensive reactions; - contribute to the child’s understanding that his behavior negatively affects you;

Important!

Remember that telling someone how you feel is much less risky than accusing them of causing you those painful feelings.
Another property of “I-statements”
“I-statements” help the child learn to take responsibility for his behavior.
By sending him I-statements, you show that you trust him, and this gives him a chance to behave more constructively. And vice versa, “You-statements”, which are accusatory in nature, push the child to defense, to resistance. In contrast to “I-statements,” “You-statements” are perceived by the child as an assessment of his personality. And this in most cases causes a defensive reaction, which can lead to the development of conflict and even greater mutual misunderstanding. Example:
The child came home very late.
You-statement: “You came very late, I was worried.” I-statement: “I was worried that you were gone for so long.” “I-STATEMENTS” can and should be used
in the case of positive emotions.
In this case, you show the child your involvement in his affairs, demonstrate your positive emotions from his achievements. Psychological difficulties in using I-statements -
some people find it difficult to express their feelings openly and show the child that he is also a person capable of experiencing resentment, pain, fear, joy;
- there is often a fear of open relationships with children, without parental “armor”, when not only advantages, but also disadvantages become obvious. Parents often forget that they can and have the right to be inconsistent. After all, they are ordinary people and, therefore, their feelings change depending on the situation, time, mood and much more. And yet, we are often simply afraid to openly show our true feelings to others. By the way, maybe because our parents taught us this as children? Why "I" Statements Don't Always Work
1. Sometimes words that look like "I" statements are actually "You" statements. Most often it depends on intonation, facial expression, and body posture. Imagine a parent raising their fist and angrily saying, “It really bothers me when you don’t tell me you’re late.” Watch the video where the form of the “I-statement” is pronounced, which in fact is nothing more than an accusation.

Bread

If there is an accusation, then it is no longer an “I-statement.” This is especially true for feelings of anger. We invite you to read an excerpt from Allan Fromm’s wonderful book “The ABC for Parents.”

2. The parent conveys his feelings in an indifferent, indifferent tone, and even while looking, for example, at this time at the TV screen. And what? Who will believe in the sincerity of his words?

3. Parents too often begin to use “I-statements” with or without reason, without fully mastering this rather difficult technique. You need to start small!

4. Children often ignore “I-messages”; it’s as if they “don’t hear.” In this case, you should use the “I-message” again. Or maybe in this case your emotions do not correspond to the situation. For example, you are concerned that your child spends 2-3 hours a day on the Internet. But this is a completely normal situation.

Main!

The use of “I-statements” is not a way to manipulate a child, not a method to force him to act in a way that is convenient for adults.
“I statements” help you establish contact with your child and help you and your child better understand your mutual feelings about a particular situation. Tasks (open text below):
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1. Remember conflict situations with your child and come up with “I-statements” for them, mentally apply them, or even better, practice saying them out loud in front of a mirror. Try for 2-3 days to compose and say out loud at least three such sentences addressed to the child: I feel... 1. 2. 3.

I don't like... 1. 2. 3.

I want... 1. 2. 3. Eliminate the pronoun “you” from these sentences.

2. Start using “I statements” when communicating with your child.

After 2-3 times of use, analyze the experience gained.

It is better to carry out the analysis in writing, continuing the following phrases for yourself.

1. When using “I statements” I felt...

2. Using “I-statements” helped me (Helped a lot; Helped, but not much; Didn’t help), because….

3. Conclusions: The use of “I-statements” causes me….

Regarding the “I-statement” technique, I believe that….

Stage 2

Watch the videos below. Answer the questions posed there. Do not hurry. If you don't answer correctly the first time, go back and try again. If you answer correctly, look at the incorrect answers as well.

At computer

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The computer has become an integral part of life. There is no point in fighting this. Yes, adults often exaggerate the influence of the computer on the lives of teenagers. Of course, there are cases of so-called computer addiction among teenagers. Here are its signs:

The child spends most of his time at the computer, forgetting to be distracted by food and sleep.
Due to his passion for virtual reality, his performance at school is declining.
He prefers virtual communication to real communication, rarely leaves the house, and has few or no friends.
Interests are limited only to computer hobby.
Feelings of joy while working at the computer and irritation or aggression if the computer is not available.

Loss of sense of time.
The child is not able to independently finish a game or Internet session and switch to another activity, for example, go for a walk, do homework, or go to bed. Computer games that actively stimulate brain centers designed for gaming learning can be especially dangerous.

Two fives

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Often, parents use “I statements” only when conveying their negative emotions to their child. It is not right! “I-statement” can and should be used when a teenager wants to share his successes. It plays the role of positive reinforcement of the child’s actions. “I-statement” is more effective than direct praise; by sharing his positive emotions, the adult demonstrates involvement and emotional involvement in an event that is joyful for the teenager, and shows his concern for his achievements. Direct praise does not have this effect.

And yet, sometimes you also want to share your positive emotions and feelings with someone? And for a teenager this is much more important than for an adult.

Broken phone

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A disdainful attitude towards things is quite common among teenagers. There can be many reasons. Direct reproaches and even punishments will help little here, and can often play a completely opposite role. In these cases, it is most effective to use the “I-statement” and convey your emotions to the teenager. But do not confuse the “I-statement” with the “You-statement” in these cases. For example, the phrase “I am very annoyed that you are careless with your things” is precisely a “You-statement.”

Keys

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Extra phrases in a situation where you need to find a solution to a specific problem can cause irritation.
Especially when time is limited. By the way, in conditions of limited time, even a trifle can cause a strong negative emotional reaction. In such situations, the “I-statement” does not apply. Complete the following task (open the text below):
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Try using “I statements” when communicating with your Child. After 2-3 times of use, analyze the experience gained. It is better to carry out the analysis in writing, continuing the following phrases for yourself. 1. When using “I-statements” I felt... 2. Using “I-statements” helped me (Very helpful; Helped, but not much; Didn’t help), because ______________________ 3. Conclusions: Using “I-statements” "It makes me _____________________ Regarding the “I-statement” technique, I believe that ___________________________

Now move on to the second part of the training:

PART 2. “ACTIVE LISTENING”…>>

We express our desire

In conclusion, we need to tell you what behavior of the opponent we consider preferable. Let’s say: “I would like to be warned if I’m late.” As a result, instead of the phrase “You're late again,” we get: “I worry when my friends are late because it seems to me that something happened to them. I would like someone to call me if I'm late."

Of course, “I messages” may not immediately become a part of your life. It takes time to change from a habitual behavior strategy to a new one. However, it is worth continuing to resort to this technique every time conflict situations occur.

With its help, you can significantly improve your relationship with your partner, and also learn to understand that our emotions are only our responsibility.

Exercise

Think about a situation in which you expressed a complaint. What words did you use? What was the outcome of the conversation? Was it possible to come to an understanding or did a quarrel break out? Then consider how you could change the “You messages” to “I messages” in this conversation.

It may be difficult to find the right wording, but try to find phrases that you can use to communicate your feelings without blaming your partner.

Imagine the interlocutor in front of you, enter the role and pronounce the formulated “I-messages” in a soft, calm tone. Analyze your own feelings. And then try to practice the skill in real life.

You will see that your conversations will increasingly end constructively, leaving no chance for grievances to harm your emotional state and relationships.