About what prevents us from finding peace of mind, and how to do it. Bonus - a beautiful parable about calm.
In the cartoon “The Kid and Carlson” there is an episode where the Kid is locked in a room and he cries uncontrollably. Carlson arrives and tries to calm him down, saying “don’t cry.” Then he asks, “Are you crying or am I crying?” The baby replies, “It’s me who’s crying.” As usual, filled with optimism, Carlson finally says the famous phrase “Calm, only calm!” How often do we say something like this to someone who is out of balance and can’t find a place for themselves. He literally “lost his peace.”
Why can you lose peace of mind?
The true strength of a person is not in impulses, but in unshakable calm.
L.N. Tolstoy
There are plenty of reasons for this in our lives. Let's look at some of the main troublemakers.
Fears. Fears of various kinds are usually associated with certain events from our future. Some simply scare us, such as a serious exam, an important interview, or a meeting with a significant person. Others can only hypothetically happen: some conflicts or incidents. All these events are in no way connected with the current moment, but in the here and now we are already tormented and worried about them in advance. Such thoughts take away our peace confidently and for a long time, acting on the “not yet” principle. If the event is expected, then we will get rid of anxiety after it is completed. But if it can only happen hypothetically, then we have to constantly live in fear and anxiety.
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Guilt. We cannot sleep peacefully if we feel guilty before someone. It's like an inner voice telling us that we did something wrong or didn't do something important that we should have done. The feeling experienced at the same time is painful and irresistible. As if we deserve a fair punishment for what we have done and begin to serve our guilt for what we have done in advance. The most unpleasant thing here is that we do not see a way out of the situation, as if we are waiting for someone who can forgive us our sins.
Obligations. There is something similar here to the previous point. The similarity is that we have to do something. There is such a thing as a “burden of obligations”. Often we lose peace by taking on too much that we subsequently cannot fulfill. It can be easy to make promises, but then we begin to worry about the fact that we shouldn’t have done it, that we can’t handle it. Sometimes this happens due to the fact that we cannot draw the line in time, saying “no” at the right moment.
Resentment. We can lose peace because we feel offended. We were treated unfairly, we believe. Perhaps this is exactly what happened. In any case, we are driven by a negative feeling that unbalances us. No matter how we try to calm down, wounded pride tells us again and again that in this situation we do not deserve such an attitude towards ourselves. We may feel depressed or, conversely, angry, but we cannot cope with these feelings on our own.
Anger. The previous paragraph partially touched on the topic of anger or aggression. This is another troublemaker, and a very significant one at that. Whatever the cause of anger, the result is the same - we are thrown off balance and want to take revenge on the offender. Revenge is associated with the desire for destruction and sometimes even harm to someone or something. Aggression seeks a way out and simply does not allow us to feel calm. We feel the desire to act, and right now.
What these reasons have in common is a violation of internal balance. There are external or internal factors that take us out of it.
Calm Calm
Calmness as a personality quality is the possession of a reserve of internal happiness in volumes that can easily block the appearance of worry, anxiety and unrest.
Oh Teacher, what are the roots of peace? - asked the curious student. — The roots of Tranquility are safe. If a person is not threatened with death or illness, he is calm,” answered the Wise One. - Oh, Teacher, what does the trunk of Tranquility consist of? - asked the smartest student. “The Trunk of Tranquility is a correct picture of the world, made up of correct thoughts and devoid of unnecessary passions,” said the Wise One. - Oh, Teacher, where do the branches of Tranquility extend? - asked the beloved student. “The branches of Calm extend to like-minded people,” the Teacher explained, “for those who live with Calm find Calm.”
Calm is the excess of the energy of internal happiness over the negative energies of the external world. A person shows concern and anxiety when he mentally weighs the scale of the threatening situation and realizes that he is not ready to meet it fully armed. There is not enough inner happiness to overcome the negative impact of external factors.
A calm person is such a “big ship” that its load waterline practically does not change under the influence of the load. For a big ship, a long voyage. Dr. O.G. Torsunov in this context says: “We have a certain waterline of happiness inside us, the amount of happiness in life. If, for example, the waterline, if there is more happiness in life, a person relaxes. If there is little happiness in life, that is, the waterline rises higher, the ship rises higher, there is less cargo, there is little happiness in life, then as a result the person becomes very tense. He is nervous, angry, he cannot live normally. And what is peace? Calm means that a person has so much strength to treat life correctly that his waterline never changes. No matter how much or little happiness he has in his life, he is always balanced and peaceful. This means that the person is very strong, he can be an example for others. He has an internal safety margin. This means that his inner happiness is stronger. He has so much happiness inside that it is stronger than what is happening around him. This means that the ship, its displacement is huge, and put more or less there, the waterline does not change, the ship is large, it floats. That is, everything will be fine for him, no wave will knock him down. Therefore, there are people with a large displacement, that is, they can fit a lot of happiness. And there are people who have a small displacement and have little room for happiness in their lives. And people who are able to contain a lot of happiness within themselves, they can give it to others, and they have very strong inner stability, they are very calm by nature.”
A calm person, possessing significant reserves of inner happiness, can be an excellent mentor, because he is able to be compassionate. In other words, he will calmly enter the state of another person and will be able to provide him with real help. People feel this saving power of calm and are drawn to it. When you are around calm, you become calmer.
A sober mind and a clear mind maintains calm in any situation in life. Therefore, it perceives objects of the external world in an equally balanced way and does not encounter internal conflicts and contradictions. Calm allows you to see things as they really are. In response to problematic situations, it always finds time for reflection and reflection, therefore it acts rationally, relying on a deep analysis of the situation, and not on impulsive antics and emotional outbursts. Hans Morgolius wrote: “Only in calm waters are things reflected undistorted. Only a calm consciousness is suitable for perceiving the world.” Calmness, coupled with self-control and other strong-willed personality traits, helps to survive in critical situations and achieve success in other life scenarios.
Calmness sincerely trusts God and people, has a benevolent and friendly attitude towards the world around it. At the same time, he does not show excessive attachment to objects of the outside world. Excessive attachment is the enemy of peace. Walking hand in hand with self-control, calm carefully controls the unconscious attachment of the senses to everything they see, hear and feel.
Calmness is the ability, through the power of asceticism and knowledge, to “untie” feelings from attachment to surrounding objects. In order to show calm on a regular basis, a person needs to control his thoughts and desires, that is, he needs to keep his lustful mind and its tentacles – feelings – in check. Feelings imbued with egoism instantly become attached to the objects of their desires. They start begging: “I want a new car, buy a new house, let’s go to the Maldives.” Having been attracted by an object, the senses do not allow a person to be calm. The slave of the senses loses peace. A calm, reasonable person, controlling his impulses, does not follow the desires and whims of his feelings.
This is stated in the Bhagavad-gita: “The senses are so strong and restless that they forcibly carry away the mind even of one who has knowledge and makes a lot of effort to bring the mind under its control. One who withdraws his senses from sense objects and, keeping them in subjection, concentrates his consciousness on the Supreme Truth, is called a person of firm mind. When a person contemplates sense objects, he becomes attached to them. From this attachment arises lust, which then transforms into anger. Anger plunges a person into the darkness of illusion, and illusion leads to loss of memory. Along with memory, the mind disappears, and the one who has lost his mind again falls into the ocean of suffering. However, one who is not attached to anything and does not reject anything, one who follows the regulative principles, achieves liberation and subjugates the senses, receives all the mercy of the Lord.”
A calm person is aware of his imperfections and, being strict with himself, is not afraid to make mistakes. Thanks to this, he is condescending towards others and accepts them for who they really are. Jean Baptiste Moliere wrote in The Misanthrope:
I look calmly at everything that awakens such anxiety in you, as at human properties. And it would not be possible to offend me in the same way To see vice, and lies, and evil in people, Just as it is not strange to find a hawk carnivorous, a monkey cunning, and a wolf bloodthirsty.
Calmness shows the way for self-development, gives respect from people around, adds self-confidence to a person, frees one from fears and complexes. A man came to one prince and offered to train the prince’s fighting cock. The prince agreed. Ten days have passed. - Well, how? - asked the prince. — Is my rooster ready to fight? - No no! He is too arrogant and eager to fight. He must not be released! Another ten days passed. - Well, what now? - No, it’s still early. He is very nervous and reacts to everything. As soon as a rooster crows, he takes everything personally. He must not be released. Another ten days passed. - And now? - It's too early. Strength and rage overwhelm him, break through, and it’s noticeable. Another ten days passed. - Well, are you ready now? - Now he's ready. He is calm and calm, motionless and as if carved from wood. Doesn't respond to other people's screams. But the other roosters do not want to fight with him and, as soon as they see him, they run away screaming.
A calm person speaks quietly, but, amazingly, everyone listens to him attentively. What's the mystery? Why is this happening? The casket opens simply. A calm person does not include his false ego when communicating with other people. Accordingly, people do not turn on their false ego. Active listening is when the egos of the speaker and his listeners are asleep. In addition, they listen to those they respect. Calmness always evokes human respect. Some loud talkers raise their voice, trying to take the floor, seize the initiative, and satisfy their importance. Raised tones instantly awaken people's egos. Confrontation arises, arguments and quarrels begin. Nobody listens to anyone. Everyone screams at the same time. A fountain of emotions and nothing more. When there is selfishness in a person’s words, no one will listen to him. Calmness does not give something or someone special significance; his ego, like a careless watchman, is forever dormant. Therefore, it evokes sympathy and, like a magnet, attracts people to itself.
Calm is the opposite of tension, irritability and anxiety. Dr. Peale, in his book The Confident Living Handbook, states that “the chief factor in tension is mental turmoil. A cluttered mind always feels overwhelmed. A chaotic state of mind means confusion, which creates tension. Such a mind only jumps on top of problems that it cannot solve. He nervously rushes from one problem to another, never coming to a specific conclusion, without actually grasping the essence of the matter. Such deferred problems accumulate and pile on top of each other. And what is the result? The brain gives up, desperately crying out: “I’m suffocating!” - simply because it is not organized. It is cluttered and seems overloaded to itself. Notice the word “seems” here.” When we are relaxed and calm, it is easier to organize our mental work. The result is a feeling of strength and strong self-control. Our productivity increases, as does our enjoyment of what we do. Tension and nervous stress subside. Edwin Markham, an American poet and writer, made this observation: “In the heart of the cyclone that rends the skies lies a patch of complete peace.” The cyclone gains its strength from a calm center. So are we. From relaxation comes the energy of action. Energy is generated and radiated from a calm center. Uncontrolled outbursts of rage have ruined more than one career in recent years. Nobody likes to work next to a “hot head”.
In the human community, a woman serves as a generator of peace. She is endowed by nature with the hormone of calm. The energy of calm in women is six times stronger than in men. When a woman is calm, a man experiences self-confidence and is inspired to personal growth. That’s why a man “pecks” at calm women. Realizing that he has little of this quality - he has optimism or pessimism, but little peace of mind, a man subconsciously reaches out to someone who has plenty of this quality - a woman. An anecdote on topic. Husband to wife: - Honey, tell me your secret. How do you always stay so calm after I yell at you? The wife calmly replies: “Very simple.” After each of our quarrels, I go to the restroom and start cleaning the toilet. - And how can this calm you down? - And I clean it with your toothbrush!
A calm person has a sense of proportion and does not tease the balancing forces with any idealizations. Being mobile and flexible, it easily adapts to the harsh realities of life. A calm person is aware of himself and his place in the world and does everything possible to maintain harmony with it. In the context of this thought, a parable sounds.
Once upon a time there lived a king. And he wanted a picture that would radiate peace and tranquility. So that every time you look at her, your soul becomes calmer and lighter. The reward for such a picture was a bag of gold. Many artists set to work. When all the paintings were completed, the king examined them, but among them only two attracted his attention. One painting depicted a quiet lake. It, like a mirror, reflected the mountains towering around it and the blue sky with white clouds. Strange flowers grew on the shore, and colorful butterflies fluttered above them. Everyone who looked at this picture was convinced that this was a perfect picture of peace.
On the second canvas there were mountains - sharp and gloomy. The sky was raging above them, there was rain and lightning flashed. A foaming waterfall cascaded down the mountain wall. It didn't look peaceful at all. However, having looked closely, the king saw a tiny bush growing from a crevice in the rock near the waterfall under a small stone canopy. A bird built a nest on it. There, surrounded by rapidly falling raging water, despite everything, she continued to hatch the chicks. It was this painting that the king chose.
Petr Kovalev 2013 Other articles by the author: https://www.podskazki.info/karta-statej/
How to find peace of mind?
The reasons described above can act either alone or in combination with others. Let's consider the main directions for restoring calm and internal balance.
Return to the “here and now”. Many negative feelings, such as fear, guilt or resentment, take us away from reality. We constantly experience past or expected future unpleasant events. At the same time, this prevents us from enjoying the current moment. It is necessary to return to reality. Begin to realize that in the “here and now” we have all the resources to cope with worries and find a solution to how to deal with a future situation or let go of fears associated with the past.
Allow yourself the right to make mistakes. Many people make mistakes, although it would be more correct to say that everyone does it. However, not everyone allows themselves to make mistakes. To restore peace of mind, we need to stop blaming ourselves for something we did wrong. There are mistakes that could have hurt someone else besides us. In this case, you need to immediately admit your guilt and do something to atone for it. However, you need to understand that these actions are finite and limited in time. You shouldn’t continue to blame after everything is over, you need to be able to “put an end to it.”
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The ability to say “no”. It’s worth learning to say “no” right away if you realize that the obligations placed on you exceed your capabilities. In this case, you will protect yourself from a situation where you have to agonize over the fact that you should not have agreed to some dubious offer.
The ability to forgive. Resentment is part of us. Even if we were treated unfairly, we will feel disadvantaged until we let go of the offense. You should not expect that the offender will come to his senses and come to ask for forgiveness. We need to give him forgiveness in advance. We won't lose anything by doing this. On the contrary, we will find just that inner peace.
Give vent to negative feelings. No one is immune from negative emotions. Anyone can find themselves in a situation where they will be exposed to irritating or stressful factors. Controlling your anger and restraining yourself is, of course, important. However, it is equally important to give vent to all accumulated negative feelings afterwards. This will help you find peace of mind.
To summarize, I would like to say that peace of mind is also a skill, and it often arises as a result of habit . The habits of being in the here and now, allowing yourself the right to make mistakes, saying “no” when necessary and the ability to forgive and give vent to negative feelings.
In the dictionary D.N. Ushakova
CALM, tranquility, plural. no, cf. 1. Lack of excitement, noise, silence, peace. “Calm reigned around our fortress.” Pushkin. “I greet you, deserted corner, a haven of peace, work and inspiration!” Pushkin. | Order, no crime. “But the guardian of calm, the police officer himself is sitting.” Lermontov. Bring to justice for violating public peace and tranquility. 2. Normal, balanced state, absence of anxiety, doubt, worry, worries, etc. “Her face expressed deep calm.” Pushkin. “After all, I came up with this for your peace of mind.” A. Turgenev. Maintain imperturbable calm. Peace of mind. “The tone was outrageous in its calmness, and the content was terrible in its extreme incongruity with anything in the world.” Chernyshevsky.
In the Dictionary of Synonyms
(epic, olympic); peace, serenity; silence, peace; calm; coldness, lack of conflict, self-control, tranquility, phlegmaticity, composure, composure, dispassionateness, poise, phlegm, restraint, cold-bloodedness, self-control, tranquility, inexcitability, tranquility, tranquillity, self-control, equanimity, phlegmatism, silence, silence, calm, presence of mind , calm, equanimity, composure, everything is calm in Baghdad, calm, dispassion
