Author of the article: Anna Aleksandrovna Narushevich Consultant psychologist, adolescent psychologist, family psychologist. Practical work experience: 15 years.
Many of us have repeatedly encountered such statements from loved ones: “Just finish school, then you can do whatever you want,” “First finish school/institute, and then do all sorts of pampering,” “Find a good job, and then think about your family.” " etc. Of course, such attitudes from adults are easy to explain and at the same time are a good example of the deferred life syndrome - a condition that prevents you from living today, getting the maximum pleasure and benefit from it (this applies to all areas of life without exception). As a result, we waste precious time, miss opportunities, and create false priorities.
What is delayed life syndrome?
For some already adult people, their whole life turns into waiting for some event or phenomenon that will bring the necessary changes, happiness and will finally allow them to do what they love, etc. One of the clear signs of deferred life syndrome is phrases like “Now my life doesn’t particularly suit me, but when I..., then everything will be just fine,” “Now I don’t feel happy, but when...”. This “that’s when” can be anything: moving to another city or country, promotion, wedding, etc.
Deferred life syndrome, also known as deferred life neurosis, got its name because the person susceptible to it lives in dreams of the future rather than in the present. He seems to be putting his life on hold for later and is in eternal anticipation of event/day X. At the same time, consciousness seems to be fixed on the upcoming event, which is why we cannot spend time effectively and are simply “killing time.”
Neurosis of postponed life can act as a protective mechanism of the psyche. It’s so nice and safe to be in familiar conditions - in your comfort zone. Outside of it, many problems and disappointments await us, but not victories and achievements. Also, its development can be influenced by a variety of factors - from heredity and improper upbringing to self-doubt and emotional instability.
Self-care
This is the area of those things that need to be done daily. And we wait until a mountain of unwashed dishes grows in the sink, we don’t take out the trash can for a long time, we don’t track our expenses. It is likely that such things make us feel like complete chaos. Moreover, when we still have to “sort out the rubble” because this cannot continue, we spend disproportionately more time on it! But if you do all this regularly, life becomes much easier.
Max has a lot of unread letters in his email. He views personal messages with great interest. And he doesn’t even open business letters or invoices. Someday later, he thinks. There are more letters, deadlines are running out, and the moment comes when it is no longer possible to put it off, and Max reluctantly sits down to sort out the overflowing mailbox. All this makes Max anxious. “I stop seeing the big picture and controlling the state of things. And when I do get down to business, it takes several evenings. In addition, I often receive repeated reminders and warnings. Sometimes the necessary letters get lost in a heap of documents, and I simply skip them. Having finished with difficulty, I solemnly promise myself to read business correspondence in a timely manner each time. But the next bill comes, and, as luck would have it, I don’t have time. And to be honest, it seems to me that there is no need to deal with it right now, it won’t go anywhere...”
Signs of delayed life syndrome
- You live in anticipation of something: the end of the working day, weekends, vacations, New Year holidays.
- To be happy, you always need something: lose a couple of extra pounds, change your wardrobe, quit your job, move to another apartment or country.
- You are constantly waiting for the right time: when you get a higher education, move away from your parents, have children, close your mortgage or loan.
- You can't enjoy the present - you don't appreciate what you have and the people around you.
- You are not satisfied with your life, but do not have a clear plan of what, when and how to change. For example, you don't like your current job, but you don't do anything to find another one.
- You constantly compare your own life with the lives of other people - you focus on the fact that someone is slimmer or more successful, travels more often, earns more. All comparisons are not in your favor.
Do you recognize yourself? Then you need to urgently change your life strategy and start fighting the delayed life syndrome. Otherwise, this is a road to nowhere, it will always seem that “something better” is waiting for you ahead.
The need for psychotherapeutic support
A psychotherapist is a specialist who treats emotional and psychological disorders. Delayed life syndrome gives rise to illusions that are difficult to combat. Sometimes dependence on them is the same as on drugs or alcohol. The bright world of dreams is addictive. Not everyone can cope with the problem on their own.
Treatment with the help of a psychologist is normal, do not be embarrassed. You are ready to live happily and do not intend to delay joy any longer, so you turn to the doctor for help. Such zeal deserves respect.
How to get rid of delayed life syndrome: 4 tips from a psychologist
- Stop waiting - start acting. After all, life is not a bright future or nostalgia for the past, but what is happening to you right now. Weekends are, of course, great, but other days can bring just as much joy.
- Do not store things until day X. Many people store certain things with the hope that someday they will finally make repairs, move to a new house, get married, and achieve an ideal figure. Undoubtedly, things “for a new life” are beautiful and functional. But needless to say, most of them will remain things that no one has ever used.
- Try to understand what is preventing you from enjoying the present. Life is not a rehearsal for the grand finale. Therefore, you should not deny yourself small pleasures until the loan is paid off, your financial well-being improves, etc.
- When looking for ways to get rid of the delayed life syndrome, try to minimize distractions (for example, retouched photos from magazines and Instagram), break a large task into several sub-items, ask for help, and enjoy the process.
Many of us are always looking for reasons to realize our dreams later, someday later. Do you often put off your business, dreams and life? If the answer is yes, we want to give you two effective pieces of advice: do not put off life for later and contact the Center for Harmony of Soul and Body “Here and Now” - a cozy space where you can get the necessary support and take the first step towards achieving the desired result, peace of mind and peace of mind.
Why do we put off life until later?
You are influenced by attitudes and beliefs
Serkin suggests that one of the reasons may be attitudes that have historically developed under the influence of religious and ideological teachings. And the global idea that one can endure for the sake of a bright future eventually transferred to everyday life.
Reality doesn't live up to your ideal
The future you dreamed of as a child did not happen. You did not live up to your own expectations and did not become what you wanted. But instead of starting to change your life now, you simply promise “Anatomy of Change. What’s stopping you from starting the flow of change and making life brighter,” Maria Eitan, that you will make your dreams come true as soon as possible. It’s like you don’t give up on them, you just push them away - again and again.
You strive for results for the sake of the result itself
You so want to finally be in this “happy tomorrow” that you are trying with all your might to bring the moment after which, in your opinion, it will begin. And you forget that you can enjoy the process along the way. But while you are moving towards your goal, life is passing by. Your real life.
Habits of the past
I think everyone knows the desirable holiday dinner settings behind glass in cabinets and the not-so-desirable everyday plates. However, beautiful dishes were obtained strictly on holidays. It seems to me that any child has tried to ask why adults act this way and has not received a sane answer with which he would agree.
How is New Year celebrated? A huge amount of food is purchased, which cannot be eaten until a certain point. December 31 - preparing salads in the bustle and everyday disputes. Then comes the time of the festive feast, when everything you once desired can finally be eaten, but your hunger is satisfied quite quickly with hearty salads. And then “you’ll finish it, don’t throw it away.” And instead of pleasure, you feel heaviness in your stomach from such a “diet”.
They buy the girl a beautiful dress, but it can only be worn on holidays and matinees. On everyday days you need to look “normal”, and on holidays - “festive”, regardless of the child’s mood and feelings.
The underlying thought behind these habits is again:
“I’ll endure it now, but then it will be good,” “I’ll leave the good things for some festive moment.”
In the second half of the 20th century, this way of thinking was useful to people. Since that time, everything has changed: social life, political principles, and the economic situation has become radically different. We live in a completely different world. The habits of that lifestyle do not work today.
The delayed life syndrome is not only about stories of waiting for a global dream to come true. Everyday dreams also become expendable to this lifestyle.
“Thank you, life, for the day to come again”
Expressing gratitude before bed is an important part of changing your outlook. What can you thank for the past day, events and people? What wishes came true today? Thank you mentally, alone with yourself - it is not necessary to write messages to your friends. Unfortunately, many people have been instilled with gratitude since childhood as a kind of favor. "Say thank you!" - forcing a small child.
Although gratitude is a warm and bright feeling that is necessary for the person giving thanks first of all. Feeling gratitude, a person seems to admit: “Yes, it was great, I was happy.”
Many people have the habit of thanking ironically: “Thank you, of course...” - and then a complaint follows. Such gratitude does not have the necessary emotional and physiological component. On the contrary, the body is tense, and there is no trace of bright emotions.
I ask you to be honest with yourself and turn off the “good girl and good boy” program: if you feel that you are angry with a person, it is better to admit it to yourself than to convince yourself: “Thank him, of course...”. Corresponding sensations to thoughts is very important both for health and for changing your life in general.
When a dream consumes a person
In all these stories - big and small - there is one common ground: a person put his dream above himself and his needs. For the sake of this dream, he was ready to endure and betray. Betray yourself first. A person begins to blame others in order to somehow justify his sacrifice. When goals are achieved with such a paradigm of thinking, then their implementation has an “unpleasant odor”: you don’t want to remember how they were achieved, or you want to find anti-heroes and tell how someone constantly got in the way and behaved terribly.
It is precisely this way of perceiving situations that turns life into a series of dull days with accumulated fatigue and dissatisfaction.
This is why many people begin to get sick during vacation: everything that a person hid and ignored during the days of waiting and suffering comes out of the body. And when the “cleaning” ends and the body is ready to accept the pleasure of what is happening, the vacation comes to an end, and the person again returns to a series of days of waiting, loading himself with hidden negative emotions and fatigue.
Life is waiting for something more
How do you start your morning? Most people, from the first minutes of the morning, get involved in the race to “get everything done,” creating a fuss around themselves. “Eat quickly! Wash your face quickly!” - ordinary family morning dialogues. The morning hours turn into a sprint before the work day. People come to work... and the race speeds up. How many workers forget to quench their thirst or rest their dry eyes from the monitor during the work process? Thoughts are also built on the principle of expecting something more: “When I finish the document, I can have some tea.” And at the end of the working day, in addition to the ticks opposite the completed tasks, a feeling of fatigue and emotional dissatisfaction appears.
Delayed living syndrome is a thinking principle that manifests itself in everyday habits. The body reacts negatively to this lifestyle, but the person becomes hostage to such thinking and habits. This gives rise to the feeling of “the life of a squirrel in a wheel.” I suggest you get out of this situation safely.
Be afraid of your wishes - they will come true
Once upon a time there lived an obedient girl who wanted to start a good family. She graduated well from school and university, got a “decent” job and got married early. The parents were pleased to talk about their daughter. The girl wanted to become a mother before the age of 30: so as not to be an old woman and have time to put her children on their feet.
Was she happily married? The alarm bells of a toxic relationship were extinguished by the picture of parental relationships and the expectation of a dream of a “good family”: “Nothing, now I’ll endure it, have children, find a good job. And by the age of 40, I will already have everything I could want: the children have grown up, a job, and a 20-year wedding anniversary.” The birth of a child was a turning point in her life. The husband took a distant position: “I make money, not change diapers.”
The parents were unpleasant that their ideal daughter was not coping with difficulties perfectly, and their concern began to be suffocating. They began to interfere both in the relationship between daughter and husband, and in the relationship between daughter and child. All this led to deep depression and a revision of the worldview as a whole for the heroine of the story.
“I dreamed so much about a family, I imagined beautiful scenes of how happy and beautiful I was holding a healthy and cheerful child in my arms. I am hugged by my husband, who is still caring and not rude. And my parents admire me. And in the end, in one of the autumn twilights, I looked in the mirror and saw a driven, unkempt myself with dirty hair in washed clothes.
I realized that I was waiting with trembling for my husband to return from work, because instead of a happy evening there would be arguments again about who should sit with the child and who should rest. And I didn’t even want to think about weekends with my parents: when everyone seems friendly, but in the evening you want to sob into your pillow for no obvious reason. And this is the fulfillment of my dream? That evening I realized that I couldn’t live like this anymore, and it was time to change everything.”
Another story is about a young man who wanted to become a boss. He painted pictures of a fair and confident man who would transform this world. And how his advice helps people become better people. How he creates something new and useful for the world. And he began to live in anticipation of the fulfillment of this dream: he entered a good university, studied diligently, because a good diploma is a step towards fulfilling what he wants.
Unbeknownst to himself, he began to choose topics for essays and research that were not interesting to him, but those that were guaranteed to bring him an “excellent grade.” He got a decent job, not exactly interesting, but where he achieved high results. He was in good standing with his superiors and gradually learned to remain silent when his masculine pride was hurt, and to respond in such a way that at the end of the month he would be given a bonus.
When he was given a small department at his disposal, he was able to organize the work so that their performance was the best in the organization. Without admitting it to himself, he took out unpleasant emotions from communicating with his superiors on his subordinates. One day in his office he found a piece of calendar paper painted with fireworks and joyful inscriptions: “Hurray, the boss is on vacation.”
This struck the hero of the story to the core: he is such a good boss, so irreplaceable, the department has a good salary, and he always gives advice to his employees. Why do they react this way? Later, problems with health and sick leave began, which caused dissatisfaction with the authorities, and the established dialogue gradually began to deteriorate.
“I lay in a hospital bed, looking at the ceiling, and didn’t understand why everything was like this? It seems like my dream has come true, but I feel unhappy and at a dead end.”
