“Why was I angry before? Because I didn’t have a bicycle,” says one of the characters in the cartoon “Three from Prostokvashino.” And you can’t argue. What makes a person angry is an unhappy fate, dissatisfaction with oneself and life, unfulfilled dreams, ruined plans, unmet needs.
Anger is closely associated with many emotions: resentment, envy, jealousy, melancholy, sadness, irritability and more. But the closest term is anger. If anger is an emotion, then anger is an affective feeling, the highest manifestation of anger. I think they can be considered synonyms. Moreover, outbursts of anger in an angry person are not so uncommon. The result of anger and anger is aggression. This action is a completely different story. But let's get back to the anger.
Don't be categorical
Categorical nature, maximalism, perfectionism - all these qualities enhance manifestations of anger. People who are too demanding of themselves and others are much more likely to experience disappointment and collapse of hope. Calm and phlegmatic people react to this with frustration, while more impulsive people may experience outbursts of aggression.
Start looking at things more simply and stop judging. Our world is not ideal, but that does not stop it from being beautiful. Forgive people for their weaknesses and imperfections, take off the mantle of judge and just enjoy life.
Get rid of the excellent student complex. You should not strive for excellent results in everything. Sometimes it is enough to do something with a C grade in order to leave time and energy for more important things.
Conclusion
All these algorithms and advice will not work just like that. For your life to change, you must first of all want to change your behavior. And a lot of patience: it is unlikely that you will be able to learn how to react correctly to a conflict right away, by going through all the schemes once.
And ideally, you need the help of a psychotherapist: if you work through your anger according to a plan with him, you will have a much greater chance of learning to behave in the best way for you.
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Do auto training
At the beginning of the 20th century, the German scientist Johann Heinrich Schultz laid the foundations of autogenic training. Since then, this method has been actively used in many areas that require control over one’s own condition. It combines self-hypnosis and immersion in a trance. With its help, you can also curb your destructive emotions.
The simplicity of this technique makes it accessible to absolutely everyone. It is performed in several stages.
- Find a comfortable position and relax. Make sure that you are not distracted by extraneous stimuli.
- Mentally say the phrase: “My right hand is getting heavy” several times. Try to create a feeling of heaviness in your hand. You can imagine that you are holding an object, such as a dumbbell.
- When the sensation becomes clear, do the same with your left hand. Then with the legs, stomach, back, head.
- Once you feel heaviness throughout your body, you can move on to the next stage. Now you need to create a feeling of warmth. Mentally say: “My hand is warm.” You can imagine immersing your hand in hot water or exposing it to the scorching sun. And then proceed according to the scheme already familiar to you.
- Now you need to learn to control your breathing. Repeat to yourself 5-6 times: “My breathing is calm and even.” The exercise is considered mastered when you can voluntarily slow down your breathing rhythm.
To effectively manage your emotions, these exercises will be enough for you. Do them every day, and soon you will be able to achieve a high level of self-regulation. You will become subject to not only your emotions, but also some physiological reactions of the body.
Managing Anger When Someone Denies Our Values
We are all different, and it is not surprising that our habits, behavior, ideas about “right” and “wrong” differ. Sometimes the differences are so great that they cause anger.
What does it look like in life
Masha loves her job, but does not like her colleague Inna Pavlovna, who catches her in the corridor and begins to talk for a long, long time about what Masha is completely uninterested in: about the dacha, seedlings, grandson Kesha and chickenpox.
Sometimes Masha is ready to flare up: “Inna Pavlovna, why are you pestering me! I also have a lot of problems, I’m not dumping them on you! I value your personal space, so you will learn to value mine!”
But this is a destructive option: at the very least it will ruin the relationship. At the very least, Inna Pavlovna will remember that she is the chief accountant here, and this will not end well for Masha, who occupies a lower position.
What to do
Realize: Inna Pavlovna’s whole fault lies in the fact that she behaves in a way that Masha would never behave. And here there are two options.
Firstly, you can try to persuade the “offender” to change his behavior so that it no longer contradicts Masha’s life principles. This can be done by citing, for example, the abundance of work. “Sorry, Inna Pavlovna, I’m very, very busy right now, the report is on fire!” - and repeat this mantra at every meeting.
Secondly, you can think about your own principles and perhaps reconsider some of them. That's why Masha tries not to tell anyone about her problems? Maybe she is afraid to strain those around her? Or does he consider them petty and of no interest to anyone? But this is a manifestation of complexes! It may well be that her colleagues, if Masha learns to share her experiences with them, will be able to give practical advice. Allowing both others and yourself to talk about what “hurts” is a good solution.
If you place too high demands on yourself, you often get annoyed with those who allow themselves to relax.
Ilse Sand
However, if we are talking about values and ideas, we will have to take a different approach. If, say, you care about the environment, you will probably get angry when you see someone polluting it. And in this case, your indignation will be justified. Standing up for your values will make you feel much better. Well, in order to feel more confident, it makes sense to join an organization in which the value system is similar to yours.
Add activity to your life
If anger is your frequent companion, you may be lacking in physical activity. Increased levels of adrenaline in the blood can cause strong emotional reactions. It is successfully neutralized by active muscle work.
The most universal advice is to go in for sports. There is nothing better neither for physical health nor for moral. Sports train endurance, self-control, willpower, and endurance.
To relieve tension during a temper tantrum, boxing and sprinting are good options. You can take out all your anger on a punching bag, and you will immediately feel better.
However, to learn how to channel the energy of anger into a peaceful direction, these sports are not suitable. Psychologists advise choosing non-aggressive activities with a small number of participants. Another useful component is breathing techniques. During attacks of anger, the breathing rhythm is disrupted. By learning to control your breathing process, you will significantly reduce the severity of your emotional reaction.
Oriental martial arts are perfect: aikido, judo, karate. In addition to sports, they also have a spiritual component. The key concept of their philosophy is acceptance. The point of the fight is not to attack the enemy, but to parry the blow beautifully and accurately.
How does our body feel when we are angry?
At such moments, there is tension in the muscles of the face, hands, and leg muscles. At this moment, our body is filled with energy, since anger, from an evolutionary point of view, is a very good emotion: it gives us the strength to defend ourselves and defend our rights.
Where do these bodily reactions come from? Assessing how favorable or unfavorable a situation is for us triggers the release of the “hormone of anger” - a bunch of neurotransmitters and neuropeptides, adrenaline. This release triggers the reaction of the autonomic nervous system (it controls the functioning of all organs of our body without our conscious control). As a result, increased breathing and heart rate, muscle tension and increased blood pressure and sweating occur.
That is, the well-known “fight or flight” system is activated - when danger comes, we must either fight, or flee and hide. And as a result, at the moment of anger, we trigger bodily reactions necessary to survive in the event of an attack. And in the modern world, our anger in its usual form from an evolutionary point of view is often not realized, and tension gets stuck in our body.
Speak out
Share your problem with a loved one. Outline the situation, ask for advice. Sometimes an outside perspective allows you to look at a problem from a different angle.
Those who are closest to us suffer most from our anger and aggression: husband or wife, child, friends, colleagues. Naturally, this does not have the best effect on relationships. One day you may wake up in the morning and realize that everyone has turned their backs on you.
To prevent this from happening to you, ask for forgiveness for outbursts of anger in advance. Tell them that during moments of strong emotions you cannot control yourself and can do something stupid. At the same time, you work on yourself and learn to control yourself. After such a confession, your loved ones will begin to be more lenient towards your emotional outbursts. Don't abuse this attitude, but really work on yourself.
Possible reasons for the formation
Anger can be born at a person who refused to help in difficult times.
The following factors can influence the birth of attacks of anger and anger:
- when someone refuses to help, be it material support or physical, moral, then the person begins to get angry at the individual who did not provide help in difficult times;
- a person may be angry with people who gossip behind his back, condemn him, discuss him - in such a situation it is very difficult to ignore what is happening, resentment accumulates;
- ignoring is a situation when someone begins to pretend that they do not notice you, a desire is born to somehow punish this person, and anger appears;
- troubles in the family - when anger arises at loved ones, for example, at a spouse or wife, everyday difficulties;
- betrayal - when one of the partners cheats on the other, be it morally or physically;
- non-repayment of debt - when an individual asks for a loan and then does not return a penny, hatred is born towards such a person;
- problems with hormonal levels, especially in adolescence and women at the time of menopause; in such situations, attacks of aggression are not excluded;
- deviant behavior - anger is born in response to another person’s attempts to cause moral or physical harm, for example, to spread one’s hands or utter obscene language.
Get rid of expectations
The most common cause of anger is unjustified expectations towards others and oneself. A person can make grandiose plans in his own head, without taking into account the will of others. When it turns out that other people are in no hurry to implement these plans, a person may lose his temper.
You need to get rid of expectations. You can't even imagine how interesting and exciting life can become if you add a healthy dose of not giving a damn. Allow people to be who they want to be and act according to their will.
Don't try to push, pull, or manipulate. Treat them and life in general with respect. Rely only on yourself, don’t expect anyone to make your wishes come true. Then you will have practically no reasons for anger, and communication will begin to bring pure pleasure.
Types of Anger
- Silent hatred. A situation where a person does not show his anger in any way. He may smile at an individual whom he hates; in fact, such behavior is hypocritical.
- Offense to the whole world. A person hates everything that surrounds him, he believes that everyone owes him, and the world is against him, people are against him. He is lonely, no one needs him.
- Competition. For example, we may be talking about a situation where two women compete for one man, and accordingly they hate each other.
- A game. One individual deliberately provokes another into attacks of aggression, thereby receiving pleasure from it.
- Despair. The attack of anger is demonstrative in nature. In this way a person attracts attention to himself.
Analyze situations that cause anger
Observe yourself and try to identify the triggers that trigger aggressive impulses. This could be a specific word, phrase, some action in your direction. Analyze why such an inadequate reaction occurs. Most likely, the psyche turns on defense, trying to protect itself from something.
Let me give you an example. My friend couldn’t get pregnant for a long time, although she and her husband really wanted a child. She was very worried and suffered about this. When someone touched on the topic of motherhood in her presence, she could say something angrily, start swearing, and raise her voice. Then, naturally, she apologized and repented.
Knowing your pain points, you can prevent anger and save your own and other people's nerve cells. Ask your loved ones not to talk about certain topics in your presence. Avoid traumatic situations. And of course, take care of your mental health. If something “hurts” you, you need to work hard on it. If you can’t cope on your own, seek help from a psychologist. It will help you extract all your cockroaches from your subconscious and deal with them.
And give an example
Parties to the conflict: a parent and an adult child who is “being told how to live.”
- When they tell me what to do in some situation, I...
- ... I'm terribly angry.
- I would like my loved ones to respect my wishes and recognize that I, as an adult, can make decisions and be responsible for them.
- Therefore, it would be good if, before giving advice, you were interested in what I think about this situation, what I plan to do, and discussed possible solutions with me.
One more example. Here the parties to the conflict are a parent and an adult child who does not maintain order in the family’s common territory.
- When I see unwashed dishes and leftover food on the table...
- ...I get upset and terribly angry.
- I would like my loved ones to respect my efforts to keep my home clean and comfortable.
- And so I ask you to wash the dishes after yourself, put away leftover food and wipe the table after eating.
This behavior allows us to express a request and desire, without holding the emotion inside - and as a result, we are heard, and the conflict does not develop further.
Control your breathing
During an outburst of anger, blood pressure rises and breathing quickens. No wonder they say that a person “chokes with anger.” By learning to control the process of inhalation and exhalation, you can quickly cope with your emotions.
I suggest you master the following breathing technique.
- Find a comfortable position and relax.
- Breathe freely for a few seconds and then inhale in four counts.
- Hold your breath for two counts.
- Exhale, like inhale, let it also last for four counts.
- Again, hold your breath for two counts.
When this breathing becomes comfortable for you, begin to gradually increase the time of inhalation and exhalation. Next time during an attack of anger, try to breathe just as smoothly and deeply. This will allow you to find peace within yourself and curb aggression.
Why understanding and forgiving is the only option
Forgiveness is a universal way to resolve a situation. First of all, it is important for the one who forgives, because it frees him from the negativity that eats away from the inside.
When you are angry at someone for a long period of time, it is because you remember the offensive situation in detail and continue to replay it in your head. The detailed memory is perceived as a repetition of the event, and the feeling of anger arises again.
So if someone tells you: “I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten,” do not believe him. Forgiveness helps to forget the details of the event, therefore, a person stops experiencing it again and again. Forgiveness and forgetting go hand in hand.
Just because you have forgiven a person does not mean that your relationship has returned to normal. You may be disappointed in him and won't trust him anymore, but at least you will stop being angry.
Avoid pointless arguments
In a dispute, it is much more often not truth that is born, but aggression. Especially when the subject of the dispute is not objective things, but views, judgments, conclusions and conclusions. In the first case, you can quickly resolve the dispute by resorting to Google. But one can argue endlessly about subjective points of view.
If you are an emotional, hot-tempered, impulsive person, arguments are strictly contraindicated for you. Learn to express your point of view without entering into open confrontation. The following phrases will help you.
- “I heard you. But, unfortunately, I cannot agree.”
- “I take a different point of view.”
- “I have no desire to argue with you. Let everyone remain to their own opinion.”
- “I respect your point of view, but it contradicts my principles.”
And you should refrain from the following phrases.
- "You're wrong".
- “Your arguments are baseless.”
- “You don’t understand anything about this.”
- “Don’t argue with me, I know better.”
So how to behave correctly during a quarrel?
When we looked at the situation from all sides, saw the conflict between “want” and “need” and chose a behavior option for ourselves, we may have the opportunity to choose not the usual way of showing aggression or suppressing anger, but a third option: sincere expression of emotions that is safe for us. yourself and others in an image - “I-statement” .
This method is described in detail in the book “Nonviolent Communication. The Language of Life" by Marshall Rosenberg . The author divided it into four components:
- Observation Description of a situation without evaluation, criticism, labeling or comparison.
- Expressing feelings We express ourselves with a sense of responsibility: not “you’re pissing me off,” but “I’m angry.”
- Need In any conflict situation, a person needs to satisfy his basic need, and it must be expressed in simple language and without accusations.
- The request is important to formulate it in the form of an affirmative statement.
Avoid communicating with provocateurs and trolls
There is a category of people who like to deliberately piss others off. They, like parasites, feed on other people's negative energy. The stronger the other party's emotional response, the more pleasure such people receive.
If you are a very impressionable and emotional person, you better avoid these comrades a mile away. How to recognize them? Their favorite habitat is the Internet. In the vastness of the World Wide Web, they can frolic to their heart's content while remaining unpunished.
There are many trolls in various social communities, especially political ones. They choose a victim and begin to provoke him into conflict. They use insults, ridicule of someone else's point of view, and distortion of facts. Moreover, the provocateurs themselves are indifferent to such actions against them. It is extremely difficult to promote them emotionally. By the way, this is something worth learning from them.
A provocateur can, for example, enter a community of fans of a famous artist and start throwing mud at him. Or start promoting childfree ideas in a public for young mothers.
If you already know a little how to manage your emotions, try using provocateurs for training. When entering into a duel with them, try to remain calm and not react to their antics. Focus on getting the provocateur emotional and thus winning. Just don’t get too carried away, otherwise you risk joining their ranks.
How to manage your behavior in a conflict situation?
Controlling yourself in times of conflict and anger is most often hindered by emotion, which overwhelms you and prevents you from concentrating. And when we look at the situation after the fact, without emotion, we understand how we should have acted.
The position in which we do not merge with emotions and can look at the situation from the outside is the position of an observer. To learn how to mentally move into this position, you need to answer a number of questions:
- What emotion am I experiencing at this moment? Emotions have a huge number of shades, but there are not so many basic emotions: anger, fear, resentment, guilt, sadness and joy. By naming the emotion, we regain some control over the situation.
- Where in my body do I feel this emotion? If we understand that there is tension somewhere in the body, we can use suitable methods to get rid of it, and thus protect our body from the negative effects of stress.
- What beliefs of mine in this situation conflict with reality? To understand this, there are a few more questions: “What infuriates me in this situation?”, “How would I like events to develop?”, “How should everything ideally be in such a situation?” When you answer these questions for yourself, you can sometimes realize that your beliefs are not always real and rational: the world cannot always be exactly the way we want it to be.
Where do these beliefs come from? They are formed in the process of life in situations with the most vivid emotional reaction, they are stored as programs on a hard drive, and then they emerge and begin to control our behavior.
It is important to understand when the “program” that prevents you from adequately responding to a conflict situation was laid down, as a result of what circumstances, under the influence of which significant people.
This understanding helps you distance yourself from emotions and beliefs, look at the situation from the outside and change your behavior in this situation in such a way that the result is pleasing.
Most often, we have opposing beliefs on the same topic: as if one part of us is pushing us to act as “I want”, and the second – “as we should”.
Both parts were created by us at some point in life to protect us, and both are needed. From the perspective of an observer, we can look at our “wants” and “needs” and come up with a behavior that takes into account the basic needs of both.
Sublimate your anger
Transforming the energy of anger into creativity is aerobatics. Great artists, musicians, and sculptors master this art perfectly. I'll tell you a funny story about the artist Michelangelo Buonarroti.
While he was working on the Sistine Chapel, he was constantly pestered by an official named Biagio da Cesena. Being a stupid person and far from art, he criticized the work of the great master and found fault with every little thing. Buonarroti had a very hot temper. Once he even threw a bucket of paint at the Pope himself, who came to hurry the artist.
However, this time Michelangelo did not immediately take out his anger. He came up with a more sophisticated way. He depicted the official on a fragment of the Sistine Chapel in the image of the hero of Greek myths, King Minos, with donkey ears. But this was not enough for the master. The apogee of revenge was the snake entwining the king’s body and biting him on the genitals.
In this unusual way, the artist achieved two goals at once: curbing his anger and punishing the offender. We are unlikely to be able to repeat him, but the general principle is worth understanding. The next time you feel angry, try channeling the resulting energy into something useful.
The easiest way is to use it to destroy what you no longer need. For example, prepare the apartment for renovation: tear off the wallpaper, remove tiles, etc. Or get rid of the trash that you haven’t decided to throw away for a long time.
read books
I offer a selection of books that will help you better understand the nature of anger and reduce its manifestations:
- “Anger Management” by Dan Dubravin;
- “How to get rid of resentment and anger” Pavel Fedorenko, Ilya Kachay;
- “Taming Anger” by Gary Chapman;
- “Practice joy. How to manage anger” Thich Nhat Hanh;
- “Tame your dragon. Anger in the family” Ekaterina Burmistrova;
- “Healing from Anger” Dalai Lama XIV;
- “Fear, anger, sadness and joy” Yulia Panfilova.
Useful materials for those who want to cope with anger easily
As I promised at the beginning of the article, I recommend you several very high-quality courses that will help you manage your anger and not give in to emotions at all. They will improve your relationships with others at work and help you interact more easily with friends and family.
Emotional intellect
Description. Start with this course. It will help you remain calm and confident even in very difficult situations. You will understand the diversity of your emotions, identify their true nature and learn to control them. It's not as difficult as it seems.
You will also easily feel which people sympathize with you, and which, for certain reasons, behave warily with you and suppress aggression.
The course teachers especially recommend their program to all those who have to work with a large number of people, as well as to parents who are raising teenage children. Getting angry, yelling at the child - believe me, this is not a solution, you will only aggravate the problem.
Author: Oleg Kalinichev.
Cost: 1,490 rub.
Find out more and sign up for training
Effective Communication
Description. After listening to 33 lectures and completing 15 extensive practical exercises, you will easily communicate with people, not allow yourself to “break down”, and not incite conflicts around you.
The course teaches you to control your emotions very well, even when you have to communicate with difficult people. You will also learn to understand well the emotions of the person with whom you are communicating at the moment, and you will be able to react as circumstances require.
The total duration of training is only one month. The cost of the course is small compared to the price of attending offline seminars or signing up for personal consultations.
Author: Oleg Kalinichev.
Cost: 1,490 rub.
Find out more and sign up for training
Brain Detoxification
Description. Have you tried to figure out what exactly makes you angry and makes you very irritated? Maybe the reason is not in those around you, but in yourself, in your peculiarities of perception of reality?
This course is short, with only ten lessons. It helps to get out of your head everything that interferes with a normal life, irritates or causes other unpleasant emotions: melancholy, fear.
You will be able to easily cope with stress in all its forms. The theory that is taught as part of the course is reinforced with practical exercises and simulators, so you will have a lot of practice.
Author: Victor Shiryaev.
Cost: 1,490 rub.
Find out more and sign up for training
Brain fitness
Description. The course page says “an innovative format for brain training” - these are not empty words. After purchasing this material, you will receive from Vikium a unique device, the likes of which I have not yet seen on the Internet. It's called the “neural interface”.
The neural interface will record the electromagnetic waves that come from your brain during different emotional states. The data is then transferred to the Wikium platform and analyzed there to create a list of personalized recommendations.
Try recording yourself when you are angry about something and cannot control your anger, and when you are relaxed. Then move on to other observations - how your brain works when you are busy with something, when you feel energized or tired, and so on. You will learn a lot of new things about yourself.
If you want, you can buy the neural interface separately, but it is expensive: 11,990 rubles. I still recommend buying with a training program, so the experiments will be more effective.
Authors: developers of the Vikium project.
Cost: 12,990 rub.
Find out more and sign up for training
Do you know other courses on controlling emotions? I would be grateful if you say a few words about them in the comments.
