How to increase self-esteem and self-confidence: 10 recommendations from psychologists

Self-esteem affects many areas of a person's life. If it drops, then our motivation decreases, the amount of energy decreases, the desire to do something, to realize goals decreases. Take care of your career and household chores. Relationships with children, parents, and spouses deteriorate. You want to prove that you are no worse by criticizing others, and for some people you want to start a scandal. This is some kind of temporary compensation.

We perform much worse at work, our thinking abilities deteriorate. We begin to make mountains out of molehills (that is, we create a huge one out of a small problem), we lose faith in the future and optimism. Therefore, unstable self-esteem is often worse than low self-esteem. A person gets used to low levels, but he cannot ignore hormonal surges. Therefore, psychological practices to increase and stabilize self-esteem can help improve many areas of life.

There are quite a lot of exercises to increase self-esteem. And they are all different. Some will suit one, others others. Some will see results faster in some, others in others. But the main thing is to choose those that help you. Affirmations can also help, but for some they help very quickly, while for others you need to constantly convince yourself that you are good, happy, loved. The listed practices work much deeper, but psychologically it is more difficult to do them. They require the most honest attitude towards oneself. Honest admission of your problems, recognition of your shortcomings, honest understanding and recognition of the problems, where they came from and the desire to correct them.

The most honest attitude towards yourself and the absence of fear of recognizing your shortcomings, the desire to make yourself more effective is the beginning of self-development.

But! Practices require consistency. Done once, it will not give a good permanent effect. Just reading it but not doing it will not bring any effect at all. Their effect is cumulative. And many of the problems that these practices solve have been stored in the subconscious for a very long time. And they simply cannot decide in 1-2 days. And they are constantly reinforced by your thoughts about the object. Since we see what we are ready to see, what we are waiting to see, we see confirmation of our attitudes and our point of view. Whatever we were thinking about.

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How to understand that self-esteem is low

Today it is customary to associate all a person’s troubles with a low level of self-esteem. Is your personal life not working out? You just don't value yourself! Got fired? Who are they, you deserve better! Very often you hear something like this. Moreover, real facts are not always taken into account.

The reason for dismissal may be banal carelessness and laziness, and failures in personal life arise due to bad character. But it’s much more pleasant to think that it’s all about low self-esteem than to admit these unpleasant facts.

Moreover, no matter how strange it may sound, very often people confuse high self-esteem with low self-esteem. Such is the paradox. Therefore, before you start increasing your self-esteem, you need to soberly assess the situation.

I suggest you solve a psychological problem. Student Katya came to see a psychologist with a complaint of low self-esteem. According to Katya, she cannot believe that she is beautiful and worthy of love. At the same time, Katya’s appearance is normal, average.

But upon questioning, it turns out that she only likes the most handsome and popular guys in the faculty. And they are scoundrels! - run after the most beautiful and popular girls. And Katya wants people to run after her. What can you say about her self-esteem? What advice should you give to a girl? Write your version in the comments, and then return to reading.

I think you guessed that there is not even a hint of low self-esteem in this example. We see an inadequately high level of aspirations, which most often indicates inflated self-esteem. Katya does not consider herself ugly; on the contrary, she considers herself very beautiful and in demand. But when faced with a discrepancy between his assessment of reality, he experiences disappointment and depression. And these negative feelings are mistaken for low self-esteem.

What would an example of truly low self-esteem look like? If Katya came and said that a classmate began to court her, and it seems to her that she is unworthy of him. Because of this, she cannot relax, she feels anxious all the time and wants to refuse him, even though she likes him. This is a typical example of low self-esteem: severe anxiety + strategy of avoiding failures.

Another example. A person is highly appreciated at work and is offered a higher position. But he is afraid of not being able to cope with the task and not living up to the expectations placed on him. And in the end he decides to refuse, so as not to leave his cushy comfort zone.

A few more symptoms of low self-esteem:

tendency to self-flagellation;
worries about nonsense;
sensitivity to others' disapproval;
pessimism;
suspiciousness;
lack of self-confidence;
devaluation of one's real merits;
constant presence of negative thoughts;
lack of confidence in yourself and your decisions.

I hope I have provided some clarity on what low self-esteem is. If you find the above signs in yourself, then you can start working on raising your self-esteem.

I also advise you to take self-assessment tests first to be absolutely sure.

Effective methods to increase self-esteem

The most important step on the path to self-improvement is to recognize that there is a problem. Often a person disguises it behind other feelings and deliberately avoids resolving the issue. As soon as awareness comes, you can safely move on to the following methods of increasing self-confidence:

Keep a diary of achievements. This step does not require any serious financial or time expenditure. It's simple: at the end of each day, take 10-15 minutes to write down your small and big victories that happened to you today. Maybe you read a book or finally got up an hour earlier than usual? You can always find a reason to praise. This will help you develop a positive mindset every day and focus your vision on personal success. It is important to re-read your notes daily.
Change your environment. Evaluate those with whom you communicate most often. If there are negative people in your circle, refuse to interact with them. More often you are in the company of positive and successful people who are confident and have a positive attitude towards you.
Play sports. The best way to distract yourself and clear your thoughts of negativity is physical exercise. In addition, if low self-esteem is associated with external data, sports will help you get in shape. By the way, during sports, our body produces the hormone of happiness - dopamine.
Give up self-criticism and soul-searching. You won’t be able to increase your self-esteem if you constantly scold yourself for something or constantly express dissatisfaction with your appearance and abilities. Praise yourself more often and think positive thoughts.
Avoid comparisons. Each of you is a unique person with your own individual set of qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Remember that there will always be those who have achieved greater results than you. In this case, it is worth taking an example from them, and not engaging in self-flagellation. Better yet, compare yourself today with yourself yesterday, and track your growth by recording your achievements in the diary we talked about above.
Listen and say affirmations. Affirmation is a positive judgment that creates the right psychological attitude. These are our statements and beliefs, thoughts, feelings and desires that we want to have right now. It is important to formulate affirmations in the present tense. For example: “I have a prestigious and highly paid job”, “I am beautiful and healthy”, “I am a happy person”.
Get out of your comfort zone. Yes, many people have heard about this method, but not everyone decides to do it, because it’s so comfortable and safe to be in your “shell.” Face your problem. Do you feel insecure when you are in a new company? Visit crowded places and events more often and be the first to start a conversation. Our online program “Best Communication Techniques” will be an excellent assistant for you, where you will learn how to interact more effectively with people thanks to interesting communication techniques. You just have to take a step and you will understand that everything is not as scary as it seemed at first glance.
Attend trainings. There are many different training activities aimed at increasing self-esteem and gaining self-confidence, so all you have to do is choose the one that’s right for you. If you are not yet ready to take the training, watch a movie or read a book on a current topic.
Forgive yourself. Uncertainty is often a consequence of feeling guilty about oneself. None of us are immune from mistakes, and it is important to be able to forgive ourselves for them. Write yourself a note and tell in it about your feelings, emotions, thoughts, problems, failures, and be sure to forgive yourself in writing for everything for which you feel guilty.
Meditate. Meditation helps you completely relax physically and let go of your thoughts. There are many different techniques aimed at getting rid of self-resentment and achieving peace.

Self-confidence is not an innate quality, but rather formed in the process of life. Your main task on the path to healthy self-esteem is to love yourself, learn to believe in your own strength, which is only possible through daily work on yourself and your thoughts.

Do what you love, do not deny yourself small and big joys, always think about the good and then everything will work out!

Good luck!

We also recommend reading:

Storytelling
Overcoming impostor syndrome
Self-criticism
Formation of correct self-esteem
Psychological picture
Egocentrism
The Complete Guide to Self-Confidence
How to increase self-esteem: practice from the field of NLP
Formation of self-awareness
Conditions for character formation
Three masks of pathological narcissism

Key words: 1 Communication, 1 Psychoregulation

Causes of low self-esteem

But first, let's look at the main reasons why self-esteem may be low.

Excessive perfectionism

You have probably noticed that low self-esteem often occurs in people who are wonderful in all respects: educated, smart, well-mannered, pleasant to talk to. While their opposites demonstrate incredible confidence. Why is this happening?

Low self-esteem is often associated with increased demands on oneself. A person strives too fiercely for the ideal and therefore does not forgive himself even for small mistakes. This phenomenon is called the excellent student syndrome. His roots go back to school.

If a child was always required to have only excellent grades and was not forgiven even for B grades, he develops a picture of the world in which only an ideal result has the right to life. Therefore, it is very difficult for him to leave his comfort zone and try something new. In any business, mistakes are inevitable at the initial stage, but for a perfectionist they are like death. Therefore, he chooses the strategy of avoiding failure so as not to experience severe anxiety.

Bad experience

When a person fails at something, his self-esteem decreases. And if at the same time he becomes fixated on failure, replays it a hundred times in his head and gets killed, his self-esteem literally flies into the abyss.

Failure must be taken into account and the right conclusions must be drawn. And then try to rehabilitate yourself. Do something that didn’t work out the first time, achieve success in something else. But under no circumstances should you hide from failures or avoid them! We have already found out that the effect will be the opposite.

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We must try to minimize the likelihood of their occurrence. Learn to set goals correctly, manage your time, and train willpower. As a rule, this is enough to increase performance several times.

Reluctance to take responsibility

If a person does not live his own life, but constantly follows the instructions of others, he will certainly experience problems with self-esteem. He will not be able to fully enjoy his successes, because the successes seem to be not entirely his.

For example, parents insisted that their son go to get a legal education. He obeyed unquestioningly: he successfully completed his studies, got a job in his specialty and reached certain career heights. But at the same time, all his life he continued to consider himself worthless.

And all because the person did not bother searching for his calling and continued to follow the beaten path. Although I could have already changed my profession 10 times and started doing something that brings me pleasure.

First aid

The problem is that as we age, we become so saturated with the usual view of ourselves that it is even more difficult to change anything.
And yet, whatever a person’s idea, it is valuable in itself, since we base our behavior on the basis of what we think about ourselves, and not on what we really are. Self-attitude can be corrected. “As in the treatment of diseases for which we go to doctors, psychological problems are also easier to solve at an early stage,”

Anna Dobruk suggests.
— The result is much faster when working with a teenager or young man, whose psyche is still quite flexible and easily adapts to new things, because young people have fewer prejudices and negative experiences.
Although you can get rid of low self-esteem at any age, when you want to consult a specialist and follow the recommendations. In this case, it is a good idea to seek help from an experienced specialist who will help you find the roots of the problem and achieve positive changes in a short period of time. Those who doubt should try to work on themselves on their own. How to do it?

Collage by Olga Pak.

How to increase your child's self-esteem

Very often, parents are faced with the question of how to help their child accept himself and become more confident. Problems with self-esteem become especially acute during adolescence. The tips presented above are intended for independent adults. Children need a different approach.

If an adult is able to correct his own internal psychological processes, a child is not yet able to do this. The self-esteem of a little person largely depends on the actions of the parents. I'll tell you what you should and shouldn't do to increase it when necessary. Here are some tips:

Don't be too demanding of your child. You remember that excessive perfectionism is very harmful in life. Your personal vanity can become a source of big problems for your child. And also huge bills for the services of a psychotherapist to restore healthy self-esteem.
Praise your child for any success. Don't be a callous cookie who takes all your little one's achievements for granted.
Help your child discover and develop talents. Introduce him to art, take him to clubs and sports clubs. Be patient! It may take a long time before he finds his occupation.
Allow your son or daughter to be independent. Let him choose his own clothes, arrange the room at his own discretion, pay for purchases in the store, naturally, under your control.
Teach your child to solve problems, resolve conflicts, and defend their rights. If you do this for him all the time, he will grow up helpless and dependent. This will not have the best effect on self-esteem.

Formation of personal self-esteem

The structure of self-esteem formation can be considered as a component of personal development, which includes two components: cognitive and emotional, working in inextricable unity. The cognitive component reflects the individual’s knowledge about himself to varying degrees of generalization and expression, the emotional component is the attitude towards himself, the so-called accumulating “attitude towards himself.” After all, an individual acquires any knowledge about his own personality only in a social context. Then this knowledge inevitably becomes overgrown with emotions.

The formation of a person’s self-esteem occurs under the influence of several interrelated factors, which include communication interaction with the surrounding society, the active activity of the individual, self-observation and self-control. A person, carrying out any form of activity, invariably finds himself in situations in which he is forced to develop his attitude to actions and deeds, behavior in general, evaluate his own skills and abilities to produce something, and demonstrate various aspects of his personality.

There is no specific type of activity that will have a greater or lesser impact on the formation of positive self-esteem. However, we can still conclude that a significant impact on the development of self-esteem (adequate or inadequate) is exerted by activities that become leading at a specific stage of an individual’s life. For example, the conditions for developing self-esteem in children or adolescents lie in educational activities and everything that is interconnected with it. For older individuals, work activity often becomes the main condition for developing adequate self-esteem. However, at the same time, for all individuals the role of a single condition is purely individual. Since professional activities or studies do not always bring satisfaction, they can often even act as a source of stress, negative experiences and uncertainty. Therefore, in order to assert oneself and increase self-confidence, in addition to educational or work activities, there are many other activities, such as hobbies.

An important characteristic of a mature personality is the emergence of differentiated self-esteem. This means that an individual is able to reasonably assess his own potential depending on the field of activity, he can sensibly accept both his strong and weak traits, and is not upset when something is discovered beyond the boundaries of his understanding

The formation of self-esteem plays a vital role in the development of personality. It determines the development of the level of aspirations of the individual, the level of confidence and uncertainty, which affects the success of the individual in life and the self-sufficiency of the individual as a whole. Therefore, the role of self-esteem in the formation of personality is quite difficult to overestimate.

Methods and tests for personality self-esteem

Many techniques are used to diagnose self-assessment. Let's highlight the main ones:

Dembo-Rubinstein technique. Three settings are significant in it: realism, height, stability. During diagnosis, the subject determines his condition using selectable scales, taking into account some nuances. The research is simple to perform: a table is drawn on a regular sheet, each of its columns is one of the properties, and its position is the content of the property at the moment. At the bottom are the values that the subject is trying to get rid of, at the top are those that he wants to possess. This test must be performed in combination with a subsequent interview.
Budassi personality self-assessment technique. It analyzes the parameter quantitatively and reveals its adequacy. Based on self-assessment. It is carried out by 2 possible methods - it requires comparing ideas with actual indicators or with other people.
Cattell test. This questionnaire is the most common diagnostic method that analyzes individual psychological traits. The purpose of the study is to discover 16 personality factors.
Leary test. Based on the diagnosis of value judgments in relation to oneself and loved ones, the description of the ideal “I”. Consists of 128 statements revealing 8 types of relationships.
Test for the study of G. Eysenck's states. Relevant when identifying traits of aggressiveness, frustration, and rigidity in behavior. Information is presented briefly. The list indicates conditions that may be typical or, on the contrary, not characteristic of the subject.

Formation of student self-esteem

Subjective self-esteem has a significant impact on the effectiveness of various types of activities and the development of an individual’s personality in all periods of its formation. Adequate self-esteem gives an individual self-confidence, helps to correctly set goals and successfully achieve them in various areas of life, gives the necessary personal qualities, such as initiative, activity, enterprise, activity, and the ability to adapt.

At a certain age stage, the development of self-esteem is predominantly influenced by the type of activity that is leading during this period. The leading activity of primary school students is educational activity. The formation of the baby’s self-esteem mainly depends on how it goes. The success of educational activities is directly related to his success in learning and academic performance.

The formation of students' self-esteem is the main new development of personality. The assessment activities of teachers are the basis for developing self-esteem in children studying in primary school. The development of student self-esteem continues to develop when the teacher shows a positive attitude towards students, believes in their capabilities, and demonstrates a desire to help them learn. And the methodological side of the development of adequate self-esteem comes down to the use in educational activities, mainly, of subjective standards, which create precedents for students’ reflective assessment of their actions.

To develop adequate self-esteem in younger schoolchildren, a teacher must use various mechanisms and methods. The main way is feedback. All looks, gestures, words, movements, and intonations directed to the baby are feedback. It must be taken into account that the child absorbs and appropriates such feedback. With their help, he forms his self-esteem. And if the feedback has a positive direction, then it will ensure the development of a high level of self-esteem and, conversely, if it has a negative direction, it will ensure the development of a low level.

Ways to correct self-esteem

It is imperative to increase self-esteem. It's never too late to learn to love yourself and accept yourself with all your shortcomings. This is a characteristic that can be easily corrected with diligent, targeted practice.

It is advisable to engage in self-development, gain new knowledge, skills and impressions
. The more the intellect is pumped up and the horizons are broader, the more self-confident a person is. In addition, he becomes an interesting conversationalist and people notice this, are drawn to him, and begin to compliment him.
By the way, about compliments
. Learn to receive them with the air of an English queen. There is no need to justify yourself with the phrase “You look so good!”, It’s better to answer: “It is what it is!”
You should never overuse excuses
. A person with good self-esteem is confident in himself, so he is responsible for all his actions and has no need to apologize.
Learn to create a good mood for yourself, smile and praise yourself for any reason.
. Got up from the couch to wash the floor? “What a great fellow I am!” But if you don’t get up, then you don’t need to scold yourself. Say: “Let my gorgeous legs rest a little.”
Forgive yourself for mistakes, everyone makes them
. You need to get rid of the feeling of guilt; it is aggression directed against yourself.

As you work to improve your self-image, remove yourself from toxic people who criticize and devalue and let them pour their venom elsewhere. When you love yourself, their opinion will become indifferent to you, or you will be able to respond adequately.

Levels of personality self-esteem

In addition to the periods of formation of personal self-esteem, there are levels in psychology. There are three of them:

Low – this level is considered a problem in psychology. It is formed under the influence of parents in childhood. Such people are characterized by indecision, dependence on the opinions of other people, a desire to avoid responsibility and shift it onto the shoulders of others, excessive demands, and envy.

This is “distorted” egoism - the individual is so immersed in his own failures that he does not notice what is happening around him and does not pay attention to the problems of his loved ones. Average or "normal". This level is found in those who are self-confident and are aware and adequately evaluate their negative and positive qualities.

People with a similar “mindset” are proactive and adapt well to any conditions established by society. Tall is characteristic of the successful and influential. If an individual has significant achievements in any area, then with a high probability a similar mechanism is triggered. However, there are many cases of unreasonably high assessment of one’s actions and achievements, when self-esteem is much “more extensive” than the quantity and quality of real actions.

In addition to levels, psychology distinguishes types of assessment - adequate and inadequate. The first correctly interprets the actions and characteristics of the individual. A person is able to really look at himself from the outside and set achievable goals. In the case of an inadequate appearance, the individual forms an incorrect idea of himself - he either underestimates or overestimates the existing “level”. Correction of such deviations is impossible without the use of special tests and techniques. They will help determine what the real picture is and whether it is worth working with a psychologist.

Formation of adequate self-esteem

Self-esteem is one of the most essential conditions determining the transformation of a small individual into a personality. It develops in subjects the need to comply not only with the surrounding individuals and environment, but also with the level of their own personal assessments. Correctly developed adequate self-esteem is not just knowledge of one’s own personality and not the sum of some traits, but a certain attitude towards one’s own personality. It determines the comprehension of personality as a separate stable object.

M. Fennel presented self-esteem as the central link of voluntary self-regulation. In her opinion, it determines the direction and level of activity of the individual, his position in relation to the environment, society, and his own person, and is a mechanism of the most complex psychological nature. It is involved in a mass of interconnections and relationships with the formations of the individual’s psyche and represents an important determinant of all forms of its activity and communication interaction. The initial abilities to evaluate one’s own personality are laid in early childhood, and their formation and improvement occurs throughout the entire life course of the individual.

R. Nemov believed that self-esteem allows an individual to maintain stability regardless of the variability of situations, while providing the individual with the opportunity to remain himself.

The formation of adequate self-esteem of a person is extremely important for interpersonal interactions, establishing relationships with society, for successful communication, and success in a certain type of activity.

And special attention should be paid to the formation of a child’s self-esteem, since all the formations of his personality are just beginning to form, then self-esteem is much easier to influence and change. After all, a baby does not come into the world with a pre-determined attitude towards his own personality and potential.

Just like all other personality traits, his self-esteem develops in the course of upbringing, mastery of activities and interpersonal interaction.

As children grow older, they learn to understand themselves and their own “I”, and evaluate their own qualities. It is this evaluative component of the “I” that is called self-esteem. It represents the core of self-awareness, and the degree of the individual’s claims interconnected with it. The degree of aspiration is understood as the level of difficulty of the goals set by the child for himself.

Self-esteem and the level of a child’s aspirations have a huge impact on emotional well-being, his development, and success in various areas of activity. Nowadays, the impact of a child’s self-esteem on his actions, behavior, actions and interpersonal contacts is becoming increasingly undeniable.

The formation of positive self-esteem in children is primarily influenced by family upbringing and the pedagogical influence of teachers.

It is probably very difficult to overestimate the impact of family upbringing on children's self-esteem. The level of self-esteem depends on the parents - whether it will be adequate or not. For adequate children's self-esteem, constant support from significant adults, the manifestation of sincere care for children and frequent positive assessment of their actions, behavior and deeds are very important. Children should never be humiliated. If a child makes a mistake or does something wrong, you need to explain to him what is wrong and show him how to do it. Try to evaluate his behavior, not his personality characteristics. Don't be afraid to praise your child. You just need to praise correctly - not for the qualities given to him by nature, but for his achievements, victories, no matter how small.

Teachers play an equally important role in developing children’s self-esteem. After all, school-age children spend a significant part of their time within the walls of schools. And educational activity is the main one at this stage of development. Therefore, it is believed that the most important factor determining the adequate formation of a child’s self-esteem is the assessment of teachers. Giving an assessment of the children’s knowledge and skills, the teacher simultaneously assesses their personalities, their potential, abilities and place among others. This is how children perceive teachers’ assessments.