My husband finds fault with everything: what to do, advice from a psychologist

Why does my husband constantly find fault with what to do in this case? A psychologist often encounters such questions when counseling women. All husbands are different, they all have positive and negative character traits.

Some people have bad habits. But there are also less noticeable, but such unpleasant character traits - constant pickiness, dissatisfaction, grumpiness. If your husband finds fault with everything, what should you do in this case, why does this happen? These questions need to be addressed in more detail.

How to overcome dissatisfaction if it is a character trait?

According to the recommendations of psychologists, you should be patient, ignoring grumpiness and dissatisfaction. You can ignore his words and phrases. This way you will not only save your own nerves, but also not start a useless showdown. Many women try to convince their spouse, to prove it to him, but they come across an impenetrable wall that hears only themselves.

A lover who is dissatisfied with everything can always find a reason to grumble. Even if one problem has been solved, it will definitely create another one. For example, you managed to overcome his dissatisfaction with dinner, but now he grumbles that he doesn’t like his neighbors, politicians, or the situation in the world. Therefore, if he has a quarrelsome character, he will always find something to complain about, even if it is a trifle.

And you will only spoil your nerves by trying to dissuade him, persuade him or prove something. Soon you will only experience emotional exhaustion. Yes, it is almost impossible to make him behave differently in such a situation. After all, the character cannot be changed. There will always be a reason that he will find fault with.

If your husband finds fault with little things, try the following technique. Let his words or phrases sound like white noise. For example, such as noise from a working refrigerator or TV, public transport. Soon you can quite successfully get used to this, not get irritated, not pay attention.

How will this help if your husband often grumbles? In fact, such a man is a kind of energy vampire. In this way, he unconsciously feeds on the energy of those around him (the same situation arises with those people who constantly complain).

It is very difficult to restrain yourself and not react if he finds fault with everything. But the result is worth it, this way you can save the relationship. And it may even cool his ardor a little. Seeing the lack of reaction, he will simply not be interested in offending others.

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Copy behavior

Another effective method of dealing with a grumbler is copying. Start behaving similarly. If complaints arise about housekeeping, counter it with a small salary and inability to fix anything in the house. There are plenty of reasons. Moreover, an even greater effect is obtained if you enjoy your behavior.

And to show how unpleasant constant grumbling is all day, try to exactly copy his words and even intonation. This will give the husband the opportunity to look at himself from the outside. This method is effective. Women note that after such behavior, many husbands change their attitude, restrain their grumbling, and nagging becomes much less frequent.

It is not recommended to throw hysterics, showdowns, trying to prove that you are right. This may shock him for a while, but the nagging won't stop for long. After some time, complaints will appear again, and hysteria will no longer be effective.

If insults and humiliation are of a mocking nature, the man takes pleasure in his own behavior; unfortunately, not a single method will help somehow change the situation. In this case, it is better for him to visit a psychologist.

And for a woman, one piece of advice - think about whether your relationship is worth constant humiliation and insults, whether you can endure your entire life, suppressing your own thoughts and desires, internal protest. Or I deserve better treatment. Usually in such a union there is no love, it is replaced by habit. After all, a lover will not insult or tolerate such treatment all his life.

Characteristic manifestations

A picky person is characterized by: reproaches, reproaches, criticism, reproaches, discussions.

You can understand that a picky person is next to you by the presence of certain manifestations:

putting forward high demands on one’s person, increased self-criticism;
constant dissatisfaction with the partner, manifested in nit-picking about his behavior, words, appearance;
pedantry is a possible manifestation of pickiness (a pedant constantly monitors order, even the slightest inaccuracies and shortcomings catch his eye);
such a person often resorts to criticism, and does not notice his shortcomings at all;
a picky individual can discuss the behavior and actions of other people, moreover, he will not refuse to judge if someone behaves incorrectly (by his standards);
the appearance of irritability and sometimes aggressive behavior in a situation when something does not go as the person intended or imagined in his head.

Picky people are usually touchy and complex. Their nagging is a manifestation of their own weakness. The exception is people who have extensive life experience or serious knowledge in a certain field. Their nagging is necessary for students and the younger generation.

Pickiness in relationships

Examples of pickiness: a husband reproaching his wife for wasting money; a wife expressing her dissatisfaction with her husband about scattered socks or the toilet lid not being lowered.

Let's look at what signs may indicate that a person is being picky in a relationship.

You obsess over little things. And many of these things don't matter when it comes to long-term compatibility and relationship success. Whether they are superficial preferences such as hair color or the types of movies someone likes, you become focused on small differences or things you would like to change in a potential partner. Although you understand in your head that these things do not create or destroy relationships, you still struggle unsuccessfully to overcome them. Your mind is constantly on alert for new cons or reasons not to date this person.
You can easily determine that something is wrong with your partner. Your mind has the ability to focus on details and find flaws, big and small, in anyone. You have the ability to make a mountain out of a mountain by clinging to small flaws, concentrating and obsessing over them.
You rarely feel a strong connection. You're bored on dates. It's almost impossible to feel the spark because your standards are too high for others to meet. After a date, you tend to overanalyze and often feel neutral or uninterested.
You have strict requirements and you do not want to compromise them. There is an image of an ideal person in your head. You may think you know what you want, but often the ideals we create don't match the people who actually come into our lives.

Now you know who picky people are. Remember that this character trait, as a rule, has a certain background; there are certainly some predisposing factors hidden behind it. If you notice that you have become picky or someone has started pointing out to you the presence of such an unpleasant trait, be sure to determine what in your particular case led to the development of pickiness and correct the situation. If you can’t cope on your own, seek help from a psychologist. The specialist will identify the cause and select the most suitable option for getting rid of pickiness.

How can I help my husband cope with the situation on his own?

Of course, if he has had such a character trait since birth, if he has been grumpy all his life, it is unlikely that he will now be able to change anything on his own. But if the complaints lie in specific reasons, everything can be fixed. And the loved one can easily cope with himself.

Often the reasons for such behavior lie in the wife. The husband is dissatisfied with the attitude towards him. For example, a wife is immersed in her work or her favorite pastime, all her love and care is given to the children. In such a situation, the husband begins to grumble only in order to somehow attract the attention of his wife.

But sometimes such behavior is provoked by unfulfilled professional goals and unfulfilled dreams and plans. You can help in this situation. According to the advice of psychologists, you can apply the following actions:

Let him realize himself in a different way. For example, compensate for an unloved job with a favorite activity at home (gardening, kitchen, renovation, design). It is important to support his endeavors, to encourage him in the presence of difficulties;
Make general plans and strive to implement them;
Let everyone have personal space;
It is important to be able to have a heart-to-heart talk, to talk through all unpleasant situations and dissatisfaction.

Possible reasons

Picky behavior can be observed in a person who has a wealth of knowledge or extensive life experience.
Pickiness is a negative character trait, which is manifested by presenting excessive demands to someone for any reason, sometimes insignificant, elevating the mistakes of other people to the level of a general personal quality, giving them unnecessarily great importance .

Pickiness can be determined by the presence of certain factors, life experiences, and psychological problems in a person’s life. We will look at the main reasons.

Consequences of suppressed emotions. A person who suppresses anger, fear, shame or sadness is bound to become picky.
The presence of unsatisfied feelings, and sometimes even basic needs.
Cheating on your partner will also lead to pickiness. For example, a man who has a mistress will definitely find fault with his wife’s every move, pointing out to her that she doesn’t know how to cook or doesn’t clean well.
Narcissism. Narcissists have very large egos and with their pickiness they try to show superiority over others. Based on the desire to maintain this superior identity, narcissists always seek partners who are perfect, at least according to their own perception. This is why narcissists become extremely picky when they enter into a relationship or purchase anything.
Availability of many options. When a person has not one, but several options, he automatically becomes more selective. It's part of human nature. For example, when a woman has many fans who like her, she becomes very picky in choosing a life partner, clinging to the shortcomings of gentlemen who are unworthy of her.
High level of knowledge. An ideal example is a situation where you have a picky mentor. There is a person nearby who has a certain amount of knowledge and experience. As a student, you will often listen to criticism about the work you do. Your mistakes or shortcomings will seem ridiculous and unacceptable to your mentor, so he will find fault.
Stubbornness and perseverance. The more stubborn and persistent a person is, the more likely it is that he will continue to look for the chosen item and will not settle for analogues. Here we can give an example: a woman wants to buy a red coat, always with oval buttons, and only the right length.
Concept of high self-awareness. People who have high self-awareness or high self-esteem may become overly picky due to the belief that they deserve an ideal partner.

About petty people, or How they become unbearable

There are two ways:

Bad character from early childhood. Long gone are the days when children were considered heavenly angels; after Z. Freud it is already difficult to think so. And it’s not just about sexual desire (sexuality), which awakens early, but is not realized by the child in its true quality until adolescence. In the context of the topic, something else is important: the foundation of personality is laid in childhood (up to 5 years). And sometimes it happens that by this age a person has already been spoiled by his parents or environment (mothers, nannies, grandmothers, grandfathers). In the future, the child will grow into a person who blames his parents for all his failures or finds fault with them over trifles, reproaching them for not writing the best life scenario for his fate. Life has turned a joyful man into a petty tyrant. The first path of transformation into someone who is dissatisfied with everything and everyone is difficult to prove in practice. Because it is impossible to say with great certainty whether a child is predisposed to petty grievances, or whether a person has become like this over the course of his life. But on earth there live millions of gloomy people who previously exuded inner light, and now sad existence has turned them into petty and harmful subjects. The entire human race is at risk. Life can ruin anyone's character. When a person hears about petty people, he usually grimaces and shakes his head, and in the future he joins the ranks of dissatisfied picky people. Life is not without a sense of humor.

How to react and defend yourself, what to answer to the boss?

Continuous showdowns have a negative impact on the work of the entire team as a whole: you must admit, it’s not very pleasant to fulfill your duties when everyone around you is just waiting for the next scandal. Therefore, the first thing to do is to isolate yourself from what is happening as much as possible. Solve problems as they arise: when the boss starts arguing with you, then get involved in the process.
Remind yourself what responsibilities are stated in your employment contract. Try to do what is required, and then your conscience will be calm. Don't jump over your head in hopes of pleasing your boss. If your boss is always criticizing you for the wrong reasons, he will continue to do so.
Don't overreact: this will please the director and some members of your team too. Think of nagging as an annoying fly - yes, it interferes, but it does not poison your life at all.
ATTENTION ! If your boss calls you into his office for a separate conversation, act confidently and naturally. Don't shout, don't start noisy quarrels.
Talk as usual and always give reasons if you argue with your boss. Never do this in public - why put on a show and distract your colleagues from work?
There are times when aggression really helps (if used in doses). It is enough to clearly explain to the manager once that you do not intend to tolerate his arbitrariness, and the attitude will change before your eyes. The main thing is not to overdo it - you don’t want to get a reputation as a scandalous person.

What kind of petty person is this? Someone who needs sympathy

The world is not without evil people. Can't argue with that. But in most cases, a neighbor’s grumbling is based on psychological problems. The task of those who care: to help a person free himself from internal bile and let in the light. How to do it?

Straight Talk. People don't trust words. There is too much noise around. But sincere communication between people is a luxury that is still available to everyone. If people could talk to each other without hiding behind masks, then many problems in the family or at work would not arise. But they are afraid. Fear remains the main human emotion. Attentive attitude towards the “petty person”. If a parent or spouse is rapidly “harmful”, then you can pull them back and point out to them an undesirable transformation.

How effective the mentioned methods will be depends, not least of all, on the will of the potential “grump”, whether he will choose light or darkness.

People often wonder what a petty person is? According to the dictionary, this is someone who finds fault over trifles. But in addition to linguistic reality, this phrase also hides psychological problems. Perhaps “pettiness” is a sign of a serious internal personality conflict that a person is experiencing; it is an SOS signal for loved ones.