Abusive relationships: signs, how to recognize an abuser and what to do?

You can often find couples in which one of the partners has an advantage or some kind of power over his other half. In one case, everything is fine in public in a couple, but the partner complains that he constantly feels bad. Another option is a couple together, but one constantly finds fault with and humiliates the other, while the other tolerates it and does not react at all. All of this can be classified as an abusive relationship. In order to understand abusive relationships, you first need to define the word abusive.

Abuse is violent actions of any nature (psychological or moral, as well as physical), insults and bad attitude of one partner towards another.

An abuser is someone who insults, humiliates and uses any actions towards his partner against his will and desire.

Abusive relationships are humiliations and insults by the abuser of his partner, while the partner voluntarily agrees to this, without solving the problem.

Varieties

First option . Psychological impact: threats, humiliation, belittlement, insult. Thus, the partner is taught that he himself is worthless, cannot do anything, is not capable of anything. As a result, a person loses interest in life and communication with other people, is constantly depressed and depressed, and self-esteem decreases. In short, a person begins to believe what his partner tells him day after day.

There are two subtypes of psychological abuse:

Open - the partner openly expresses dissatisfaction with his significant other, he can do this demonstratively and publicly, in the circle of relatives and friends or complete strangers. In this version, the abuser can specifically work for the public and put on colorful performances.
Hidden - the partner is reserved and polite in front of strangers, may even show tenderness, but in private he constantly expresses his dissatisfaction, scolds and tries to teach.
The abuser tries in every possible way to convince his partner that he will not find anything better in his life, that he cannot live even a day without him. When asked by a partner why the abuser needs him, the abuser can answer that he loves him like no one else can do, that he feels sorry for his partner and that he is with him only to make him better.

Also, psychological abuse can be expressed in blackmail or attempts to manipulate a partner for one’s own purposes. The result is psychological trauma, mental disorders, hysteria, nervous breakdowns, depression and a state of constant stress for the abuser’s partner.

Second option . Physical violence, intentional harm to health, from minor injuries to the most serious damage. Physical violence can manifest itself in aggressive states or as a result of alcohol intoxication.

Third option . Sexual violence is inclination towards intimacy without the desire and physical readiness of the partner. Result: psychological shock, indifference to everything, apathy and suicidal tendencies.

Fourth option . Economic abuse is the introduction of dependence on a partner by controlling finances. The partner is forced to account for any amounts spent; there is complete control over the partner’s expenses, reporting and accusations of squandering. Result: issuing a certain amount for a certain period of time, possibly withdrawing the partner’s personal funds. Result: depressed and stressed state.

Who is an abuser in simple words?

An abuser is a person who tries to coerce, intimidate, control, and isolate
someone with whom you are in regular and close contact (this could be a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent or child).

In relationships, such a person demonstrates a destructive type of caring. He can be physically violent

(attempts to hit, push, grab some part of the body or cause other harm), and
psychological
, using humiliation, denial, criticism and playing on the emotions of the victim.

Often the abuser feels that other people owe him something. This makes them feel entitled to give orders, abuse, control and get what they want.

What signs should you look for to recognize an abusive man in a relationship?

Signs of an abusive relationship

How to recognize that one of the partners is an abuser?

Your partner constantly says and repeats that no one else loves you except him and will never love you if you leave.
Manifestation of jealousy. Full control over the sphere of communication. Monitoring of all correspondence and calls, everywhere and every day.
Interrogations. The partner demands to tell them what they did, what they did, and it is advisable to tell them hour by hour. May require you to report on your actions during the day: send messages with your location, send photos of what you are doing.
Petty quibbles. Your partner finds fault with you about everything and is always dissatisfied with you.
Constant accusations - someone must be to blame for everything and it will be you, and the abuser will also blame you for his wrong actions.
Touchiness. The partner is constantly offended, and in most cases it is not clear what exactly. He himself does not agree to reconciliation and waits for you to come to him. Makes you feel guilty.
Sudden change of mood. The partner suddenly changes his mood, often with emotional outbursts or aggression, raising his voice, and less often physical impact. It can also cool down quite quickly, but not like his other half, who will take a long time to come to his senses and recover.
The abuser tries to limit the relationship of the partner with his friends and family.
Rudeness towards animals and children.
Threats of physical harm, assault. After what he has done, he does not ask for forgiveness, quickly cools down and continues communication as if nothing had happened. When a partner tries to make a claim, repeated assaults are possible, or outbursts of aggression and conversation in a raised voice.

How to recognize abuse from a man?

Difference in requirements between your partner and yourself. What is unacceptable to his partner, he completely calmly allows himself.
Conflicts and quarrels take place in a raised tone on the part of the man.
Threats of physical harm, use of violence. The desire to show your superiority all the time.
If you come with your partner to a place unfamiliar to you, he can calmly leave you and go about his own business. He doesn't care at all about your condition and the fact that you don't know anyone. At the same time, he will definitely interrogate you about your behavior when he returns.
Accusations of lying, distrust of everything the partner does.
Control of communication of the other half. Reading SMS, checking calls, chatting on social networks.
Constant jealousy towards any male object.

Since a woman is initially weaker than a man, she cannot directly or in the same way show abuse towards a man, so she has to resort to tricks and tricks.

What are the signs of an abusive woman?

Frequent refusals of intimacy, bullying and ridicule of the dignity of your partner and his capabilities in bed.
A woman directs her dissatisfaction and aggressive moods to objects around her, and preferably these should be her partner’s things: breaking dishes, breaking her partner’s phone, damaging clothes.
He watches his partner and can do this completely openly, preferably so that everyone around him knows about it. Also, any representative of the fair sex tells that that man over there is busy - busy with her.
Interrogations about spending time, where and with whom.
Dissatisfaction is directed at the partner’s behavior, nagging.
Constantly criticizes.
He questions the capabilities of the partner, tries to check what he is capable of.

Having understood what abuse is and what its signs are, both from the male and female sides, you can think about the question: “Why can a person become an abuser?”

The main reasons why a person can become an abuser:

The family in which a person grew up had an abusive relationship between parents, that is, he takes an example from them, copies their behavior. He considers this the norm and does not know how to build relationships otherwise.
The person was subjected to sexual, physical or psychological abuse as a child.
Initially low self-esteem, tries to elevate oneself by humiliating others.
Psychological disorders, mental illness.
Character traits: aggression, hot temper, desire for authority.
Inability to control your emotions
Selfishness.

Arsenal of manipulation tools

Despite complete dedication, the man begins to face reproaches and demands from his beloved. And the arsenal of psychological tools of influence on the part of women is replenished:

Aggression (scandals, demands).
Criticism (reproaches, humiliation of a partner, devaluation, accusations).
Pressure on pity (hysteria, tears, insults, threats to leave, the role of insulted innocence).

The alternation of instruments of influence is spontaneous. But the man has the first illusion: “I can predict and prevent the woman’s next negative reaction.” Despite all the man’s attempts, it is impossible to grasp the relationship and sequence of his beloved’s psychological maneuvers.

The logic of her manipulative actions is simple - to apply what will have the greatest impact at the moment, will work most effectively in the current situation.

An abusive woman, using the “poke method,” deliberately finds sensitive topics for her partner, focusing her attention and efforts only on vulnerable moments, daily undermining his self-esteem, causing him to feel his own “badness” and inadequacy. Next to such a woman, the partner begins to feel like a helpless child, a bad parent, a victim, anything but a self-sufficient strong man.

In short, the goal of an abusive woman is absolute power over her partner through playing on feelings of fear and guilt with the help of aggression, criticism and pressure on pity.

Control over a strong personality is impossible. Therefore, the abuser again and again delivers crushing emotional blows that weaken the man.

What's so scary about this kind of relationship?

Abusive relationships are scary not only for the partner, who is subjected to various humiliations, but also for the child, since some of the abuser’s negativity and aggression can be transferred to him.

What to do if your partner is identified as an abuser

If you recognize an abuser in your partner, then you should leave such a person as quickly as possible, break off all relationships, change your phone number, and not make contact under any pretext.

The more you try to please the abuser, the more negativity and dissatisfaction you will encounter, so there is only one way out - run and start a new life.

But in most cases, the partner continues to tolerate the abuser and tries to correct him. If you decide to fight for your partner, then first of all you must convince him that he needs help, the partner must recognize his situation. This may take many years.

If you suspect signs of an abuser in yourself, how to cope and become better. Unfortunately, rarely does anyone manage to get out of such a state on their own, since a person constantly considers himself to be right, he believes that his behavior is caused by the actions of his partner, a person shifts his guilt and responsibility onto others, it is difficult for him to admit that he is an abuser.

The first step to correction is recognizing the problem; a person must admit to himself that he is an abuser and that he acts and builds relationships incorrectly.

Consequences

Violation of relationships with the opposite sex, isolation, secrecy, excessive shyness.
Trust disappears at the level of male-female relationships. New men (or women) do not seem interesting; they are subconsciously expected to deceive or do some kind of trick.
Loss of interest in life, abandonment of one’s desires and dreams, reluctance to strive for anything. A person begins to simply exist, does not see the meaning of his life, often thinks that he spent too much time on the wrong person or that the relationship did not lead to the desired result.
Low self-esteem, which is very difficult or almost impossible to restore, a person loses faith in himself and his strength. As a result, he may end up again in an abusive relationship.
Stress resistance is a dubious plus, considering the price at which it was obtained.
Fear of starting a new relationship, fear of trusting and opening up to someone.
Fear of making mistakes again.

How to avoid becoming a victim of an abuser? Unfortunately, there is no specific advice on how to avoid becoming a victim of an abuser, since abusiveness can only manifest itself in relationships and after prolonged communication. As a rule, the abuser first lures in with his attractiveness, willpower and tenacity of character. After a person has fallen into his power and began to depend on him in some way, then the whole essence of the abuser’s character can manifest itself. Moreover, you will be completely dumbfounded by how such a seemingly positive and polite person could change so dramatically, and even for the worse.

What is abuse

When we hear the word “violence,” many of us have associations with physical torture, torture, beatings, and forced sexual intercourse. All this is physical violence, but there is no less, and often more cruel and dangerous violence - psychological. This is abuse. This behavior is intended not only to destroy the life of the victim and cause her harm, but also to manipulate her: in this way, the abuser often tries to achieve personal gain from the interlocutor.

Why do you need to know about the consequences?

An abusive partner will never let go of the object for self-affirmation . He is used to having a person around him who depends on his financial situation, mood or strength. To lose such a sacrifice means to lose one's own superiority.

When you intend to break up with an aggressor, it is important to understand the consequences in order to prepare to resist the influence of your ex-partner. He is able to resort to any methods and means to return the victim.

Psychic mechanism

The main mental mechanism of an abusive woman in the psychoanalytic approach is described and called “projective identification.” This mental process is an unconscious fantasy in which a person splits off his own properties - undesirable qualities of character - and redirects them to an external object - his partner.

The projection of negative traits onto another is accompanied by suggestion and provocative behavior towards the partner, with the help of which an unconscious attempt is made to make him feel and act in accordance with his unconscious desires.

With the help of this mechanism, a person strives not only to get rid of his own mental properties, but also to penetrate the psyche of another in order to appropriate his desired positive properties.

For an abuser woman, projective identification is a way to survive and overcome deeply hidden from her own consciousness, unbearable feelings of her own worthlessness, insignificance, uselessness and inferiority. A way to hide from your own ugly inner content and redirect your destructive impulses to a man, so as not to destroy yourself.