Stylish, brutal, smart, with a sly squint - and all yours. That's what you think at first. And then you understand - he chose you solely to bask in your love from dawn to dusk. Moreover, he prefers to swim alone due to the fact that love is a word (and feeling) unfamiliar and disgusting to him.
And the main passion in life is himself. The whole world should revolve around this person, and you – first and foremost and more intensely than others. Because he is handsome and magnificent, and you haven’t ironed all his suits yet, and anyway, where is dinner and slippers?
Reasons for male narcissism - why does he love only himself?
Everyone wants to be respected, appreciated, loved, etc.
But one of the first rules is love and respect for yourself. After all, who will love and respect us if we don’t do it ourselves? Do you allow yourself to be spanked? You will be spanked. Do you allow household members to sit on your neck? They will sit on your neck. Etc.
That is, how we treat ourselves is how they will treat us. But self-love should not cross the line of adequacy and turn into pleasing one’s own “I”.
Unfortunately, some men (and women too) simply do not see this line, and narcissism begins to manifest itself in all areas of life. And the hardest thing is when it pops up in family life.
What is this narcissism - part of the personality, or is it a mental disorder?
The center of the world
Surely, a narcissist man knows how to impress.
Smart, successful, charismatic - next to someone like that, you sometimes wonder why he chose you. And he chose for the only reason - so that you would love him. Narcissists are not capable of deep feelings for a woman. The only passion in their life is themselves. And all other people should revolve around them, live for them, love only them. In short, they are egoists the likes of which the world has never seen. Related Article Narcissistic Person: What to do if your partner is a “narcissistic peacock”?
What are the reasons for the development?
- Parental oppression and spoiling. The main roots of narcissism are in the “drama” of his parents. Most often, narcissistic men grow up in those families where ordinary childhood life is replaced by a cult of achievements and success. “You must”, “You will do”, “You are the best, the very first, the fastest”, etc. By pushing all their unrealized dreams into the child, admiring his successes and replicating these successes everywhere, parents keep their distance from the child himself, communicating quite distant and cold. The child gets used to being “the best” and “the first,” but grows up without ever knowing what love is.
- Attention deficit. The child’s successes and achievements in this case are just an attempt to attract the attention of mom and dad. The child does not see any affection or care from them. A lack of love in childhood is reflected in an adult by the desire to take without offering anything in return.
- "Overpraised." This is what mothers most often sin with. “You did the best,” says the mother, knowing full well that the other children drew much better. “You were the coolest in this competition!” (despite the fact that the child took 12th place). “You sing like an angel!” etc. You need to be frank with the child. Yes, I don’t want to offend a child, but there must be criticism! It just needs to be constructive and soft. By elevating children to the rank of super-heroes and Olympic “gods”, selecting “good/bad” reference points and presenting them with whatever they want on plates, we are dooming them to an unhappy adult life.
- The influence of the media, the Internet, TV. The information that a child (teenager) receives from the outside, in most cases today, carries the message - to be a consumer, to love yourself, to think only about yourself, to buy all the most expensive things: “You deserve the best”, “You should simplify life”, “You are unique” etc. The era of consumption has spread so widely across cities and heads that consumption has become a way of life. Simple human feelings are gradually being replaced by the most primitive desires, for the satisfaction of which many young people live. Naturally, living together with a person who knows only his “I want” becomes difficult and eventually ends in divorce.
Typical mistakes of girls - what should you never say to a guy?
As for narcissism after 40 years, it is usually caused by a loss of guidelines and disappointment in oneself and one’s own values.
A new relationship that a man starts while in the state of “the train is not going any further, everything is gone, I don’t want anything, it’s too late to develop” is initially difficult.
He, who lived for so many years exclusively for himself, simply forgot that in love you also need to give.
Who is Narcissus?
Narcissus is a hero of ancient Greek myth. This is a beautiful young man with whom a forest nymph fell in love.
Blinded by pride, he rejected and ridiculed the girl’s feelings. For this, the Gods punished him: when he bent over the stream to drink water, he saw a beautiful face.
The reflection was so perfect that you wanted to look at it forever!
The fairy tale ends badly: Narcissus dies, unable to escape the alluring image, and a flower grows near the stream in memory of him.
Among the Greeks, daffodils are considered a symbol of death, so they are never given to loved ones. Now you understand where narcissists get their love for their reflection.
Narcissism is a complex that comes from childhood. Psychology identifies three main causes of narcissism.
1. Parental assessment . Such a child was simply overpraised. He took the first step, learned a rhyme, cuddled rather than kicked the cat - for every minimal success they pat him on the head, saying “Ay, well done!”
A cause-and-effect relationship gradually emerges in the child’s head: I have achieved success, which means I am good.
Subsequently, his whole life turns into a series of victories and defeats. It is important for a narcissist to be successful, this is his lifestyle.
2. Lack of love . Self-esteem is formed in early childhood. Psychologist Sigmund Freud argued that all children go through a period of narcissism.
Here is a little girl in her mother’s shoes and with her face painted with rouge... She sees in the mirror not a funny dressed creature, but a real beauty!
But here is a boy who assembled a pyramid and is proud of himself, as if he flew into space. If development proceeds correctly, children simply outgrow this period without damage to their personality. If the baby does not have enough love and care, the self-defense mode turns on.
His psyche erects barriers from the external environment, creating his own cozy little world - in it the child feels like the center of the Universe.
Such delusions of grandeur also have a downside: if people do not recognize the superiority of the narcissist, self-love is transformed into a feeling of inferiority, complexes and phobias appear.
3. Destruction of personality . The role of parents in personal development cannot be underestimated.
A short-sighted mother and father can easily turn their child into a narcissist. A common mistake is devaluing a child’s achievements.
The son/daughter is praised only for good grades and success in sports or music school.
The child gradually develops a narcissistic bubble. It is beneficial for him to position himself as a great and successful person.
So he tries to get the love of others.
Treat male narcissism - or run away?
Is it possible to envy narcissists? Someone will say - “yes, we need to learn from them!”
But, in fact, it only seems that the narcissist is simply a successful perfectionist with a minimal need for feelings. In life, narcissists are outwardly pompous and arrogant, but in essence they are extremely lonely people with “black holes” inside and constant depression from their own failures and the “imperfections of the world.”
Of course, life with a narcissist is incredibly difficult. It is ideal only in one case: if you are ready to give all of yourself to him alone, bathe him in your love every day, unquestioningly accept him “as is,” forget that you also want love.
What can a relationship with a narcissist be like?
How to recognize someone with narcissistic personality disorder
The reference book for any psychotherapist, the current edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), lists the DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders nine signs of a true narcissist. At the same time, to make a diagnosis it is enough if a person meets only five of them Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Maintains relationships with “special” people
A narcissist always has authoritative, influential acquaintances from circles that are difficult for “mere mortals” to access: businessmen from the top hundred of the Forbes list, brilliant artists, owners of various rarities, close friends and lovers of world-famous stars. Well, at least the narcissist himself likes to talk about such connections.
A person with narcissistic disorder uses the status of acquaintances as a way to increase self-esteem and authority in the eyes of others.
By the way, this is one of the reasons why narcissists seem so attractive, why they are easy to fall in love with and difficult to break up with. When a person is “so well connected!”, “so sophisticated!” suddenly pays attention to you, it really tickles your pride. It’s as if you are on the same social level as the narcissist’s wonderful acquaintances and you also begin to feel “special.” And this is a kind of psychological drug that is difficult to give up.
Often talks about his own victories and achievements
Whether it’s a controversial moment at work, a conflict in a store or public transport, a random race at a traffic light - the narcissist emerges victorious from any situation. More precisely, this is what he tells others.
It is important for the narcissist to demonstrate that he is better and smarter than everyone else. This helps him feel more confident. Am I Dating With a Narcissist? .
Jacklyn Krol
psychotherapist, for the online publication Healthline
It is characteristic that stories about victories always take place in the format of monologues. The narcissist needs admiring listeners. As soon as one of them begins to pull the blanket over himself and talk about his own achievements, the person with narcissism becomes bored and ends the conversation.
Needs compliments and can't handle criticism
From the outside, a narcissist appears to be an extremely self-confident person. But, as the experts at Am I Dating With Narcissist suggest? , most people with narcissistic personality disorder have severe self-esteem problems.
That is why they expect constant compliments from others. If admiration is not enough or, worse, the narcissist is criticized, he reacts to this very emotionally. He may theatrically exclaim: “I’m not valued here!” Often reproaches relatives and colleagues for inattention and callousness. Because of the slightest remark, he may cry or run away, slamming the door and shouting something insulting at the end.
Then, perhaps, he will return to finally get recognition from you. For this reason, the narcissist manipulates feelings of guilt: it is not he who is emotionally unrestrained, but you who meanly offended him, underestimated him and provoked him.
Seems like a dreamer and an idealist
The narcissist seems to be ideal and therefore expects a special, impeccable life. And if something doesn’t work out, he shifts responsibility for it to the people around him.
If difficulties arise in love or family relationships, the partner is to blame: he looked at it wrong, did it wrong, didn’t appreciate it. “All women are bitches, and I’m looking for that one, my soul mate, who will understand me” - the demonstrative position of a classic narcissist.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic and Clinical Challenges is more common in men. The risk group includes young (under 45 years old) unmarried people.
If your career and money don’t work out, it’s society’s fault, of course. More precisely, its successful representatives, who (from the narcissist’s point of view) probably achieved their position with the help of influential relatives, through bed, by deception. Narcissists often contrast themselves with society, emphasizing their status as an unrecognized genius and a lone wolf, disappointed in an imperfect world.
Believes he deserves special treatment
This means that the narcissist demands more rights for himself than for others. He will not stand in line - he will find a way to get into the right office or counter first, even if it turns out to be a scandal. He expects priority service at the restaurant. Or he sincerely counts on an “understanding” attitude from his superiors, even if he is late for the fifth time in a week or misses a deadline.
He “needs” to sit by the window, open (or close) the window, or engage in his hobby - instead of washing the dishes, tidying up, or going shopping.
The interests of a person with narcissistic personality disorder always come first. Those around you are asked to just come to terms with this.
Often arrogant, shows disrespect for those of lower status
One of the characteristics of a classic narcissist is a feeling of superiority over others. This is clearly demonstrated in situations where a person suffering from narcissism encounters the service industry. He can be rude to waiters, wardrobe workers, consultants, and petty clerks. His arrogance also affects his subordinates or those who are younger.
If the narcissist is reproached for this, he will explain his behavior as shortcomings in the work of the “lower class” and say that he simply demands a little respect.
Exploits others
For a narcissist, it is normal for him to be served, and he is not interested in what forces and due to what this is achieved. For example, in a family relationship, he will expect dinner from his partner, cleanliness and excellent physical shape - simply because he “should” (even if he has two jobs, a child and an objective lack of time for sports).
If a partner tries to be indignant, devaluation, gaslighting and other abusive techniques will be used.
Openly manipulates people
Pressuring on pity, hitting feelings of guilt and conscience, twisting facts and blaming others for something they did not do - this is not a complete list of what a narcissist does to achieve his goals.
It cannot be said that he manipulates consciously. It’s just that this is how his psyche works—justifying himself and blaming others.
Unable to empathize
Lack of empathy (sympathy for the experiences and problems of others) is one of the most characteristic signs of a narcissist.
A person with narcissistic personality disorder is completely self-centered. Delving into other people's problems and providing support is simply boring for him.
This is one of the reasons why narcissists almost never have long-term relationships - friendships or romantic ones.
Types of narcissism
- Construction type . The phenomenon is quite healthy. A person realizes his strengths. Uses skills and experience to benefit others. Rejoices in his achievements.
- Destructive type. It is considered a pathology. A man idealizes himself and focuses only on his needs. There is unhealthy narcissism. In critical situations, he can despise himself, but does not change his outlook on life.
- Perverse type. Dangerous deviation. Tendency to violence. Aggression and pressure on loved ones. Blatant manipulation. Parasitizing on someone else's life.
The eloquent language of flowers
Fans of plant symbolism will be interested to know what the symbolic meaning of flowers is. Narcissus, by analogy with the metaphorical meaning accepted in Western civilization, symbolizes selfish desires, disappointed hopes, unrequited love, and is the personification of cold beauty and vanity. The culture of the East and Asia, on the contrary, endows the flower with the inspiring power of kindness, grace and sophistication. By presenting daffodils to his beloved, the ardent young man thereby tells her: “You are the one and only.”
Madam, defend yourself!
The best way to protect yourself from these types is to stay away from them. But if you've already fallen in love:
- Do not allow caustic criticism towards you. Either criticize him in response, or sharply rebuke him: “I don’t like communicating in this tone.”
- Don't sacrifice your interests for him.
- Don't allow yourself to be used. You are a person, not a machine to endlessly satisfy his desires.
- Communicate with him as equals. After all, narcissists parasitize only those who do not value themselves.
