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Again he didn’t close the tube of toothpaste or lower the toilet lid, and she took too long to get ready or moved important documents somewhere. It seems like little things, but they just make you terribly angry - and out of nowhere another quarrel breaks out. Does this mean that people no longer love each other, and their relationships are under threat? Psychologists think not: irritation, on the contrary, may be a sign that everything is fine with the couple.
Your loved one has started to irritate you - we study the irritants
Almost all women experience irritability towards a loved one, towards a spouse. And, of course, the point is not that “irritability is a stage in a relationship,” or that “after a year of family life, new trials begin.”
The most common cause of irritability is taking off your rose-colored glasses. Unlike men, who initially perceive reality more skeptically, women, at the stage of the candy-bouquet period, tend to add missing advantages to their novel heroes and paint over the disadvantages.
And a woman’s surprise is quite understandable when one day the trail of romance dissipates, and underneath it is her own man, but in his natural appearance - with all the shortcomings.
An avalanche of love or just overprotection?
I didn’t think men could be so annoying!
I left - I thought I’d rest... So he calls every hour and asks how I’m doing, what I’m doing, if I miss you... I tactfully hint to him that there’s too much of him, but he just gets offended. I’m sorry to hurt him, but I’m already becoming hysterical myself! He wants to obscure the whole world with himself... I am pleased that he cares about me and loves me. I think I love him too. I am behind him like behind a stone wall.
But in contrast to these positive qualities is manic love, which you want to besiege. How to stop his avalanche of love, turn it into a quietly babbling brook?
Moreover, he imagines himself to be a great psychologist, and says that I react this way to his care because my father abandoned me as a child. Literally forces me to go and put up with him. And this is almost 20 years later!
There can be only two exceptions:
- When a woman is constantly in a state of romantic love that obscures her eyes. As a rule, this is the merit of a wise man, or their love really turned out to be the same one sung in books, films, and poems.
- When a woman initially soberly assesses reality - and has come to terms with the shortcomings of her loved one in advance. That is, she accepted him as he is.
In all other cases, reality comes to a woman like an insult to a child who, instead of candy, is quietly slipped into his mouth with a piece of “healthy kohlrabi.”
What not to do during a breakup
Even if you are tired of communicating with a guy and this is followed by a break in the relationship, you need to behave intelligently and with dignity. You should not allow the resulting negativity to remain forever in the memory of former lovers. After all, the connection between a man and a woman is useful for both partners, since lessons can be learned from it for building future relationships. A girl should not resort to the following actions:
- use insults and derogatory words during conversation;
- invent non-existent stories about yourself;
- try to seem worse than you really are;
- go on a provocation and agree to a farewell date:
- listen to empty promises;
- allow yourself to be met and escorted;
- use the guy for your own selfish purposes (ask for physical, moral or material help).
It is necessary to completely exclude communication (avoid meetings, do not talk on the phone, do not correspond).
From under the rose-colored glasses, it suddenly becomes clearly visible that the Hero of your novel...
- Expensive eau de toilette doesn't always smell attractive.
- Doesn't lower the toilet seat.
- Brews one tea bag twice.
- Lying lazily on the couch with a tablet after a hard day at work, instead of taking you on romantic walks, as before.
- He doesn’t come every day with a bouquet and a stuffed bunny.
- The parasite doesn’t notice that you bought new linen and beautiful curtains.
- For some reason, he no longer enjoys long shopping trips with you.
- Doesn't give compliments in the morning.
- It doesn’t suddenly whisk you away in the middle of the week for a divine picnic by the lake.
And so on.
Naturally, all this is outrageous! How can he even do that! Scoundrel and scoundrel.
In fact, after a certain amount of time spent side by side, not only the rose-colored glasses come off, but also your own attitudes. You stop playing with each other as if on stage, and both open up to each other like open books.
On the one hand, this suggests that you have become really close people to each other. You no longer need to smile theatrically, admire, or be touched. There is no need to pretend that you wake up with gorgeous makeup, sleep in erotic positions and wear only a silk robe and stiletto sandals at home. You finally got to know each other intimately - and that’s a plus.
Yes, you may not like all the pages of an open book, but that’s okay too. Simply because we are all different, and idealizing each other is a temporary phenomenon.
The final break
If the guy is tired and this is the final decision, you should take the following steps. They will definitely help you break up peacefully, eliminating all consequences as much as possible. To do this you need:
- talk frankly and seriously declare your intention to break up;
- the conversation should be calm, without unnecessary emotions;
- words should be kind, but convincing;
- the separation must occur abruptly and completely, without “last meetings, rests, farewells”;
- you need to try to leave a good impression and pleasant memories about yourself.
Analyze your irritation.
- Do everyday little things and suddenly revealed unpleasant habits of your loved one irritate you? Slurping and an open tube of pasta, a bag of garbage forgotten at home, bananas that he did not buy according to the list, the sound of a spoon in a cup, walking around the apartment in boots, and so on.
- Or have you become annoyed by his very presence in your life? His voice, gestures, smell, touch, laughter, thoughts, etc.?
If you recognize yourself in the second option, then you urgently need to sort out your family life, because your ship of love is rapidly flying to the reefs.
If your option is rather the first, then start looking for the causes of irritation... with yourself.
Psychologist's comment
People who grew up with the confidence that overprotection is the only possible and correct form of showing true love (since this is what they learned from their parents) simply cannot imagine how they can show their warm feelings otherwise.
Through psychological transference, they create for themselves the illusion that everyone else is happy only with this regime of attention and care. They are sincerely offended if it turns out otherwise, because they consider another way of expressing love to be an insult to their own values.
Not wanting to analyze the origins of personal needs and impulses, they prefer the tactics of soft dictatorship with elements of intrusive control and teaching.
By persistently pushing you towards reconciliation with your father, the guy hopes to adjust your comfort zone to his format, at the same time increasing his authority in your eyes. But establishing a relationship with a person who has not needed you all your life makes sense only with strong internal motivation, and not under external pressure, regardless of the justification.
People in a couple should have space and free time that is not subject to the control of the other. Love, like a living organism that develops, goes through various stages on the way to maturity, needs air, the possibility of privacy and the absence of pressure.
Try to convey this idea to your boyfriend, supporting it with relevant literature and this article. If he is interested in psychology, you have a chance to be understood.
So, where might the “legs” of your irritation come from?
- You, as mentioned above, have taken off your rose-colored glasses. You became close enough to see each other in all their glory, and without your rose-colored glasses, your spouse turned out to be a completely ordinary man. Who likes to relax after work, who is not capable of nightly intimate marathons, who also wants attention, affection, relaxation and understanding (what a shameless one!).
- Everything irritates you. Because, for example, you are pregnant. Or you have hormonal problems. Or is there another very specific reason that makes you irritated by everything and everyone.
- You are a princess. And you are not happy that they no longer want to carry you in their arms, give you millions of roses and take stars out of the sky every day.
- He's too tired. And he simply does not have the strength left to remain a knight on a white horse after an exhausting working day.
- You yourself have ceased to be a princess for him , as a result of which he has lost the reason to be a prince, a knight, a hunter. Firstly, why take care of a princess who is already yours. And secondly, where can romance come from if the princess greets you from work in old sweatpants, without makeup and a delicious dinner, with cucumbers on her face and worn out slippers. Or even with a cigarette in his teeth, through which he spews three-story curses on this unjust world.
- Your life is like Groundhog Day. And monotony has ruined many young families. If this is the case, everything is in your hands.
- You are not satisfied with your intimate life.
- You are tired of everyday problems.
- You are infatuated with someone else. A woman can lie to herself endlessly, but if a new man appears on the horizon who inspires her, then the man with whom she lives instantly “grows with shortcomings.” Because that other one seems completely different from the already familiar guy you know from his underpants to his deepest thoughts. And that interesting new man on the horizon (whom you may only ever communicate with in one of the chats) is probably screwing on a cap of toothpaste, not throwing away his socks, and not skimping on tea bags. Is it so? No. You're just idealizing again. But already a different man. Don't lose your chickadee while you're studying a new crane.
- You are tired of family life in general. You don’t want to share anything, cook dinners, wait for work, organize a party on your day off, entertain his guests, etc. You want silence, freedom, loneliness.
- You spend too much time together. For example, you work together. If you are with each other almost 24/7, then fatigue and irritation are quite normal. You just don't have time to miss each other.
- He ceased to be that Hero who “with one left hand” solved all problems for you. Here, too, everything is not so clear. In most cases, it is women who cause men to stop being heroes. The more powerful a woman becomes in a relationship, the more often she “dictates her will,” the more often she shows independence in resolving certain issues, the less a man has the desire to be an Atlantean, on whose shoulders everything rests. Why, if the wife took on this role?
Why is there an emphasis on money?
You probably noticed that the leitmotif of the topic was the material side. As you understand, the emphasis on it is not casual. Of course, there may be a lot of other reasons, but they will be secondary. Be that as it may, we have already repeated this many times, that many of us want attention. And at the very initial stages of the emergence of a relationship, it is the quality of the bouquet and candy period that reflects the entire essence of the relationship.
Undoubtedly, many women are self-sufficient, and the material side comes second for them. But let’s be honest, when a man sits on their neck and dangles his legs, while besides beautiful words and endless promises, he gives them nothing, sooner or later it will irritate.
The same applies to men. The material part is also the basis, as is the woman’s assessment: selfish or not. If she falls into the first category, then with a high probability she will not be considered as a permanent life partner; the most she can count on is an easy and non-binding relationship.
To put it simply, as a result, irritation, against the backdrop of dissatisfaction with the relationship, is just a different view of the same situation: when everyone has their own truth.
Psychological problems
Sometimes annoying behavior (or our irritated reaction to behavior) has a deeper cause—and if you understand it, you can address it more effectively. We are talking about psychological illnesses.
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In such cases, you should not be annoyed with your partner; try to cope with the problem together. Yes, this is a difficult test, but here we need to be tolerant of each other.
Likewise, depression or anxiety can sometimes cause irritation and increased excitability. When you're a new parent, it can be difficult to know if you're depressed, anxious, or just exhausted. But if you're feeling chronically irritable, you owe it to yourself to help yourself. Seek support from close friends, exercise, and talk to your doctor about potential causes and solutions.
