Why is the dumped person humiliated after a breakup?

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Category: Current, For girls, For men, Relationships with a girl, Problems in relationships, Psychology, Articles Tags: return, breakup, pride, humiliation

“It’s hard to accept that you, so beautiful and good, are no longer loved. But if you don’t want to become a doormat, you will have to.”
— Roman Vinilov.

Hello! Roman Vinilov is in touch!

We often talk about the stages of getting an ex-girlfriend (or boyfriend) back, only briefly mentioning what situation precedes an attempt to restore the relationship. Although at the moment when a guy (or girl) asks for help, his importance is often so lost that he has to rise from a hard minus. This happens due to mistakes made at the stage of separation. Most often, they result in a loss of self-respect and outright humiliation of self-esteem in attempts to stop the person leaving.

All this greatly complicates the task of returning. But most importantly, it makes a person’s life truly difficult and joyless. It's hard to be happy when you lose yourself. And living with the thought that you are constantly humiliating yourself is even harder. Therefore, a person simply prefers not to notice the loss of self-esteem in himself and justifies clingy behavior with great love.

Today we’ll talk about how a person is humiliated in trying not to let go of his partner. This is important information to know before you try to get back, or better yet, before you break up.

It's up to you to choose

To simplify, a person always has only two sequences of actions from which he can choose when he is told the news that they no longer want to continue the relationship with him:

Accept a person's decision. Realize your separateness from him. Pack your things and leave.
Start leaking yourself in the hope that the person will change his mind and for some reason continue the relationship with you.

There are no other ways, and the success of the second is mythical. Many people choose this sweet lie to themselves because it is pleasant to believe in it. It seems to you that you are demonstrating the strength of your own feelings, but in reality you are only humiliating yourself, revealing to your ex-partner a tendency to whine in difficult circumstances and a complete mess in your head. It is precisely because of incorrect attitudes that a person cannot identify his own delusions in time and identifies his behavior as “quite logical for a lover.”

If you don't feel like you're doing anything wrong, the wrong attitudes will continue to flourish, taking root in your mind.

Your initiative

According to statistics, men suffer from depression due to a breakup three times as often

Psychology of a man after a breakup

more often than women, but the algorithm of their behavior depends on what they can afford. If a guy was taught from childhood that he is a man and should not cry, he will grieve in silence, but alone with a bottle. The period of binge drinking after a breakup is most common among men.

Some daredevils escape from grief by extreme sports. Driving at breakneck speed, exhausting workouts, and original sports provide an adrenaline rush. Another common stereotype of behavior is to urgently find a replacement for your ex-girlfriend. This can either be a relationship with the first girl you come across, or promiscuity. It all depends on what the sufferer needs more - reckless oblivion or female care and care.

It should be noted here that for the most part, men do not know how to break up and rarely break up on their own. This decisive step is often the prerogative of the weaker sex. Either the partner leaves the man herself, or another woman - a mistress or mother - pushes him to take this decisive step. Keep this in mind.

How else do guys break up? The most unpleasant, but not uncommon, reaction of a man to a breakup is tears, snot and drool. He will whine, ask you back, promise mountains of gold and a new life and, what is especially disgusting, blackmail you with suicide. “If you don’t come back, I’ll hang myself, drown myself, throw myself out of the window.”

You must be prepared for all this. Of course, sometimes in life there are men who behave with dignity, but women usually do not leave such people.

What went wrong in the relationship

The erroneous behavior began in the relationship, otherwise there would not have been such a catastrophic reaction to the breakup. At some point, it seemed to you that you both were one, something like a soul mate. From this you made a simple conclusion: if I feel something, then my partner feels the same. You gradually stopped sharing your desires, goals and emotions, merging your partner with you.

You don’t understand, but you don’t need all this yourself. You are not a single whole as long as your partner is able to control his own will. But it may also happen that you suppress this possibility in him. However, then this person will become unnecessary to you. After all, it’s very boring to be next to someone who behaves passively and looks into your mouth.

Happiness and harmony are possible only in those relationships in which both partners control their own will, and you are a conscious choice for him (or her). You are completely autonomous, but choose to be together because you find a lot of benefit in your relationship with each other.

In the absence of an understanding of personal boundaries - both one's own and those of others - a person may strive for merging. In this situation, it is quite problematic to see yourself from the outside and clearly understand what is happening.

When you hear the news of a breakup, you take it wrong from the very beginning.
It seems to you that this is not a real desire of the partner to break off the relationship, but a manipulation in which feelings and perseverance are tested. Naturally, this is not so.
Hence the desire to talk for the hundredth time, to show your feelings. But in essence, this is nothing more than humiliation. And your ex-partner sees this, unlike you.

One of the main problems is that a person does not understand/do not believe that he is truly humiliated. And if they tell him about this directly, he simply looks for a convenient excuse that allows him to continue his usual line of behavior with a light heart:

“I can’t let her leave at the moment. My feelings are too strong, I have never loved like that . Even if you really have strong feelings, the question arises: how can you seriously love unrequitedly? Thus, you lose yourself and follow the path of self-destruction.
“We have so much planned. We are bound by obligations." Try to understand that your partner has already given up all obligations when he made his decision. Believe me, all these circumstances were also taken into account.
“She shouldn’t see that I don’t care. My feelings should convince her that she is making a mistake.” A person who has decided to leave does not think about what abandonment looks like. But if you continue to be sticky, all her thoughts will be only about how to escape and disappear from the radar.
“We have accumulated so much common property that we can’t just throw it all away. What about our dog? All this is really very important, but not worth the humiliation. Usually all financial issues, and even issues of custody of animals (or even children), are resolved. It is not so difficult.

You could even say that you are not the only one being humiliated. By your behavior you humiliate and devalue your ex-partner. Because the decision to leave you is not only a decision, but also the will to bring it to life. And if you do not respect the will of another person, then you do not respect him. You are simply denying her the ability to act on her own will.

Common decision

If the decision to break up was common and did not happen suddenly, but was discussed for a long time, then the man will experience it more easily, but all of the above types of behavior are not excluded. Often a quiet separation rarely leads to a permanent break in the relationship.

If you are like-minded people, you can probably remain, if not friends, then “sort of” relatives or friends. This is especially facilitated by having children together and common interests. However, this type of rupture is very rare. Usually separation by mutual consent occurs in a state of passion.

- AH, YOU THOUGHT SO, SO WE SHOULD NOT BE TOGETHER. - OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. - THEN IT'S ALL OVER BETWEEN US. - EXACTLY.

After such a skirmish, a man needs to let off steam, and if he loves you, then after a while, most likely, he will try to improve the relationship. If he doesn’t love you, he will use this quarrel as a reason to break off the relationship.

Everything changes

What to do to avoid humiliation?

First of all, you should try to distract yourself and shift the focus of attention from your ex-partner to the other side. Only this helps not to become isolated on his figure and not allow your thoughts about your unity to evolve. This will help you too - to develop, gain new strength and motivation to solve your own problems. It’s not without reason that many people, after a difficult breakup, radically change their lives for the better. Because they are not humiliated, but choose to become stronger after what happened.

It only seems to you that you are trying to fight for love. In fact, you make a choice to stay in place - in a place where there has been nothing good for a long time. This field has burned out, and nothing will ever grow on it. You were denied love, but this is not a reason to make things worse for yourself. The ex-partner is not to blame for anything, it is you who are harming yourself.

You need to accept that you have been abandoned. And every person has this option, because we are all free in our desires and have the right to do as we want.

Try to imagine yourself in the place of your ex-partner? Perhaps you yourself have been in this situation more than once, so it won’t be difficult. What is she thinking about? About you? Hardly. Most likely, there are no thoughts about you at all. She's not interested in how you're doing. When a person wants to leave, he wants to change everything, including the information context. When you understand this, you will see that there are no provocations in your direction. There are no checks. The person just doesn't care about you.

Due to incorrect thinking, it is very difficult to look at the situation and understand that your relationship was doomed anyway. You were unlucky that she decided to leave you earlier. But if you look back, then perhaps you yourself have thought more than once about ending your relationship. Especially lately. But you were stopped by what we are talking about - an attempt to completely merge with your partner. You tried to think for her: “Oh, how bad she will be when I leave! She won't be able to survive this! It will disappear!

And while all this reflection is happening in your head, you don’t notice how your partner makes a decision. As a result, he blindsides you with his own decision to leave and takes this responsibility upon himself. And now you no longer want to part. Everything about you changed instantly.

How men behave after a breakup

Of course, every man is different, and there is no specific pattern of behavior for ex-boyfriends. However, similar points can be traced in the actions of the stronger sex after a breakup, especially if the girl announced her decision to end the relationship. It is clear that such news will not be pleasant for anyone, and it is even more difficult for a man to accept this fact without emotion.

It happens that a man is not ready to let go of a girl and continues to try to get the relationship back. Often, to do this, he resorts to a very dubious method: he reports that if he refuses, he will commit suicide. According to psychologists, such statements do not pose a real danger, since people who really want to commit suicide are unlikely to tell anyone about it.

The behavior of an ex-man often boils down to attempts to contact the girl by phone or on social networks. If such messages become intrusive, you should change your number or block your ex-boyfriend. This will help avoid a too painful separation for both parties.

It is generally accepted that men are individuals with a stern disposition, incapable of worrying and torment. But even the strong natures of our world find it difficult to part with a loved one. The behavior of ex-boyfriends often boils down to the following points:

Excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages.

The most vulnerable representatives of the stronger sex prefer to experience their misfortune alone, washing it down with something strong. This behavior does not bode well, but in most cases the ex-man still pulls himself together and continues to live.

Illusions and excuses

The more disconnected you are from reality, the more difficult it is for you to believe that you are no longer loved. To maintain illusions within yourself, you justify even the most ugly actions towards you.

“Insults me and asks me to leave? If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t feel so many emotions.”
“Closes down and doesn’t respond? It pains her to realize that she is destroying our love.”
“Blocked me on all social networks? He doesn’t want to accidentally stumble upon our photos and cry.”

If you perceive the figure of your ex-partner as one with yourself, then it is impossible to accept the very idea that she may treat you differently than you treat her. If you think that you love, she should love too. Perhaps she just doesn’t understand this, and you are trying to prove it with all your might. But even if you realize that her feelings for you have dried up, you project onto yourself: “Apparently, I didn’t love her properly! But now everything will change." And you run after a person who treats you with indifference at best.

Hence the main misconception that breaking up is an attempt to influence you. As if this is not a desire to be separate from you, but a hint for you to change. It seems to you that as soon as you wake up a different person on Monday, she will come running and throw herself into your arms. But that won't happen. She is not going to change you, she wants to erase you from her life.

Important

Having found out why the ex-husband is angry with his ex-wife, try to establish human communication. This needs to be done for several reasons:

The partners had a close relationship. Therefore, they are well aware of the advantages and disadvantages. It is better to keep a person who knows your weaknesses closer.
If events develop favorably, the ex-husband will be able to be useful: he will give advice, fix the faucet in the kitchen, babysit the child, take him to the dacha.
Children will not have to make a choice between their parents or listen to unpleasant statements addressed to mom or dad.
The usual circle of communication will remain. Mutual acquaintances, in-laws, and friends will remain close.
A friendly relationship between ex-spouses often revives a broken marriage.

A favorable outcome of events depends on many nuances that must be taken into account:

the desire to bury the “hatchet” must necessarily be mutual;
chances of success appear if the reason for the breakup is not so significant;
consent of relatives and friends to provide support in restoring the marriage;
personal life of separated spouses;
children's reaction to their parents' separation.

Foot mat stage

The crown on your head prevents you from agreeing that they don’t want a relationship with you specifically, and not in general. Sometimes it’s easier for a leaving girl to say that she doesn’t want to date anyone at the moment and it’s not about you at all. This reinforces your delusion, because it’s impossible not to really want to be around such a perfect guy like you.

When there is such an illusion, a man has in his head a thought that is logically correct, from his point of view: to show with all his might that I have changed / will change - and further relationships will be full of freedom and ease. If your relationship is still ongoing, then it is at this moment that you begin to merge yourself.

To show her that you are not encroaching on her freedom, you retreat not only from her territory, but also from yours. At the same time, you can see how you suffer and look with greed at everything that was yours. But you wait obediently. It’s unusual for you not to control anything, so at some point you will break loose and begin to push with redoubled force.

The girl understands that the new cage is even tighter - and says: now I’m definitely leaving. But you will apologize, ask for forgiveness, a second, third chance... You can only beg - there are no other tools.

No one will be happy if this kind of relationship continues. And instead of continuing your humiliation after she leaves, think about how this is a deliverance for both of you. She accepted the responsibility that you had to show. And only your choice is to continue to be a doormat just for the sake of being next to her, or to gather your will into a fist and agree with her decision. What is at stake is yourself, your personality.

Why is it important to respond correctly?

After a breakup, there is no point in continuing to communicate with your ex-partner .
Maintaining contact means depriving both of them of a normal personal life and a happy future. This endless series of unnecessary meetings and conversations, threats or promises, tears and provocations will not lead to the establishment of harmonious relationships.

If a man’s behavior changes in any way after a breakup, this indicates his experiences . Stress is a normal reaction to the loss of a partner; you just need to experience it and not feed it with new negative emotions.