More and more women are saying that there are no normal men. They died out as a class. What remained were the lazy and weak, effeminate and uninteresting male representatives. I don’t agree with this, I know a lot of real men - and there are a lot of them in my world. But still, there is a problem of degeneration of masculinity. But we create it ourselves.
We ourselves create weak men, we ourselves make them passive. Are you now thinking about your responsibilities as a woman? And I’m telling you about how we raise boys. Because a weak man starts with his mother. A mattress, a slobber, a henpecked person - it all starts in childhood.
Mothers who wipe the snot of even ten-year-old boys. Mothers who bring them food in bed all their lives. Mothers who protect their children from work and stress. Mothers who do not send their children to sports, but drag them to dances. Mothers who do not allow fathers to raise boys. Mothers who try to enjoy their sons without letting them be independent. What are you doing, moms? Who are you going to screw over? And who are you kidding that it’s not scary?
This is our second extreme. We either zealously make men out of boys from birth and force them to receive male experience until the age of five, when they are still so small and vulnerable, when they only need love, or until old age we treat our sons as boys.
What do you expect from your man? Strength, determination, responsibility, courage, resilience? What are you teaching your son? Negotiate, avoid collisions, avoid difficulties, be flexible, please everyone?
How to raise boys?
The relationship between mother and son is always special - it is a special bond. The mother's warm feelings often take precedence over reason - and now she is already lacing his shoes, wiping his butt, and spoon-feeding him. Even if my son is already five, six, seven... Why? For what? If your son is over five years old, you are clearly already doing something wrong. “But he’s still small,” “Well, he can’t cope without me,” “How can I not take care of my baby”... This is the road to degradation for your son. If you want him to grow up to be a man, think about it and stop. What are you doing this way?
In the past, boys were raised by their fathers. And then, after the wars, when so many men died, the women could not figure out what to do with their son. The most convenient position turned out to be in cultivating for oneself the appearance of a domestic man. Or even men. Instead of “real man,” it turned out to be “domesticated man.” Mothers did their best to make their sons comfortable. They really thought it was right. So that they bring mothers pleasure. And thus all the roles were mixed up. And at the same time, they broke their boys along the way.
As a result, the program of the “homely man” is this: do what the woman says, don’t upset her, don’t go far, don’t interfere anywhere, sit straight on your butt, listen, be comfortable. And what remains masculine in him? Where is the man's strength, determination, courage, which for his woman always turns into worries for him, worries and the delight of meeting the winner? Where is his thirst for exploring life, accomplishments, difficulties, character? Where is his leadership, where is the power and wild masculine energy? Where is all this? And then what are we waiting for when we marry the next generation of men raised by women?
If you have a son, this is a reason for you to change yourself. And change the idea of raising children. Because you didn’t just have a baby, you had a little man.
And you will either allow him to become who he is, or crush and break him, turn him into something like a woman, but somehow strange and clumsy, into a “domesticated man.” You will either raise a man for whom your daughter-in-law will be grateful to you, or, on the contrary, you will raise someone unknown, with whom another woman will then have to suffer.
If there is no father in the family
In recent years, the number of single-parent families in Russia has grown to 30% of the total. Although single fathers are far from uncommon, more often children in such families are raised by women.
What is important for a single mother to know:
- Don’t try to be both a mother and a father to your child, rely on your emotional strength. It’s good if dad maintains a relationship with his son and participates in his life. In other cases, a child definitely needs a male role model. This could be a grandfather, uncle, teacher or coach. Someone who will become a model of masculinity and reliability for a boy.
- Don’t speak badly about your child’s father or make negative comparisons (“You’re just like your dad!”).
- Do not make your son a “girlfriend” to whom you can tell about your personal problems and experiences.
- Entrust your son with some of the household chores, but do not steal his childhood by overwhelming him with backbreaking work.
- Pay attention to the child's physical development. Enroll him in a section, go for walks more often and play outdoor games with him.
- No matter how difficult it is, let your son go from you in time and accept all the changes that occur in his and your life.
Difficulties
A boy will never become a man if he does not face difficulties. If you do everything for him, if you don’t leave him alone with obstacles. If you don’t give him a chance to figure it out on his own, to learn. If everything comes into his hands, easily and without stress. If in his life everything happens on its own, without his participation. I wanted it, I got it. If he doesn't get used to working. Reduce your desire to help your son, mothers! Leave it for your daughters, who need it (but for some reason they are the ones we force to do everything on their own).
Let his world be a battlefield. Battles with socks and shoelaces, with dirty dishes, difficult tasks, complex fighting techniques. Where he must try to win. Where you need to apply strength and ingenuity. Where you need to train determination. This is right. No amount of taekwondo can replace a street fight. By the way: most great fighters started out fighting in the streets.
Father
A boy will never become a man if there is no man next to him. What can you teach your son? Well, honestly. Only how to be a woman. You can instill in him sensitivity, empathy, sensitivity... This is not bad, but does it make him a man? When he is already a man, he can develop empathy - his wife will thank him later. But what if there is nothing masculine about him except his body?
Where can he get an example of masculine behavior? An example that will show him that his feelings and desires are normal and natural. When boys fight, mothers are usually panicked and terrified. They will tell their sons for a long time that this is not normal. But dads will understand - and dads will be able to convey to their son that this is normal. The main thing is the reason. Does the reason deserve just such a solution to the issue or can it be simpler and softer? Moms, it's normal for boys to fight. This is a man's way of solving problems. Fight with the offender, invader or obstacle. (And to gain leadership. If a boy does not fight, he is either sick or lacking ambition. At a certain age, boys do not understand titles and titles. They establish a hierarchy with their fists). We cannot teach this to our sons. By the way, I understand that now mad mothers are throwing used Tampax at me, but I have to say: girls at a certain age are larger and more aggressive than boys. Therefore, there is no need to instill in a boy an inferiority complex in front of girls, forbidding them to beat. If a girl is rushing, then let them fight. It will benefit both of them.
We cannot understand the soul of our sons, because we ourselves are constructed differently. They have different needs and different characteristics. A mother can only raise her son to be a little page who carries her royal robe. Because it is very convenient to enjoy this world through your son. We will not be able to talk to them about what is relevant to them. Everything that heals them is rejected by us, labeled “bad” and “uncultured.” How will they become men in this case?
Let them have male hobbies, activities, male conversations. The more masculine the better. Fishing, hiking, sports, construction, adventure, cars, technology, martial arts, martial arts, swords and pistols...
Give fathers access to their sons. And give sons access to their fathers. Give them other men too - as many as possible. Grandfathers, uncles, brothers, teachers, friends, coaches. (Don’t create illusions. Very often men, with all their muscles and training, have the character of a woman. A sad consequence of being raised by single mothers of the third or fourth generation). Let their male world be full of men. Let them be imperfect, but they are men. Able to understand and guide them. A woman can never raise her son to be a man. Only a “domesticated man.” With good intentions. Out of love. But who will be worse off from this?
Myths and their debunking
Some parents misunderstand raising boys - and inevitably make mistakes. Here are three major myths regarding raising sons:
- The behavior of a male child is determined by physiology, and even the best education cannot cope with nature. Boys will always be aggressive, playful, play around and take risks. This is wrong. Research has proven that those children who are loved are themselves able to give love, and those who are cared for are able to show care. How a boy will behave depends, first of all, on his upbringing, and not on gender characteristics.
- Boys need to be courageous. Because of this belief, many children cannot live the life they would like, for fear of becoming the subject of ridicule and bullying by their peers. In fact, masculinity can be demonstrated in different ways; there is no need to follow generally accepted canons. A boy can cry, play “girl games”, while remaining a worthy representative of his gender. Thus, some teenagers prefer to spend time not on sports fields, but in the kitchen, creating their own culinary masterpieces, and there is nothing reprehensible or shameful about this. On the contrary, they do what they really want, realize their full potential, are happy and satisfied with themselves.
- Boys are seen as dangerous, aggressive, and prone to violence. In reality, they are sensitive, capable of empathy and helping those in need.
It is important for parents to understand their child, abandon stereotypes, and make every effort to harmoniously develop their personality; only in this case will their son grow up courageous, brave, but caring and understanding.
Liberty
A boy will never become a man unless he has enough freedom. If he doesn’t have the opportunity to climb everywhere and touch everything. Sometimes at risk to life and health. This is the male nature of a discoverer, an explorer, a hero of an adventure novel. If he needs to sit straight on his butt, but the thirst for exploration is bubbling inside - what to do? Most often - to kill the traveler, discoverer, cowboy and all other “dangerous” subjects in yourself. So as not to worry my mother. So as not to upset her. And then my wife. What alpine skis? The wife is against it. What kind of parachutes? The wife won't stand it.
Let his life be an adventure quest. With great freedom inside. More active games, sports, risky ventures. By the way, you don’t need to go there yourself. Let them learn all this together with dad. Useful for both.
This, by the way, is the answer to the question: “what to do if dad himself is a domesticated man?” How can he teach his son anything? Just as you and I are healed through our daughters, so fathers can heal and grow and open up through communication with their sons. But their communication should be free - from women in the first place. Free, full of adventures, impressions, new experiences. Shared male experience. Not invented by you, but chosen by them (yes, sending dad and son together to the “Christmas tree” does not count).
Solutions
A boy will not become a man if he does not learn to make decisions, make choices, and bear responsibility for it. If you make all the choices for him, you always back him up, you always dictate the right decisions. Today he will do as you say and get a good result. But what will happen when you are not around? What decision can he make on his own? Does he understand the consequences, is he familiar with responsibility? And who in his world is generally responsible for him? You again?
Let him decide and choose for himself. Let him experiment with decisions and learn to accept the consequences of this. If you didn't do your homework, you got two. He didn’t wash his plate - there was nothing to eat from, everyone was eating, and he washed the plate. He didn’t put his pants in the dirty laundry basket - he wears them dirty. Or sits at home. And so on.
Let him choose what to do, how much, when and how. What book to read, what game to play, what to draw and how to draw, who to be friends with, what cartoon to watch, what chores to perform. And so on. The more decisions he can make on his own, the better. Give him this practice of encountering failures and victories, so that as an adult he will not be afraid of mistakes and defeats, having extensive experience working with them.
The virtues of a man: “moderation and accuracy.” And also the ability to embroider with satin stitch
In psychology classes, we give the kids a small test: we ask them to draw a ladder of ten steps and write on each step a positive quality of a person. At the top is the most important, at the bottom is, in their opinion, the least significant. The result is impressive. Often, teenage boys indicate among the most important traits of a good person... diligence, perseverance, accuracy. They just don’t call the ability to embroider with satin stitch! But courage, if present, is at one of the last steps.
Moreover, mothers who themselves cultivate such ideas about life in their sons then complain about their lack of initiative, inability to rebuff the offender, and unwillingness to overcome difficulties. But where does the desire to overcome difficulties come from? What do sons in many families hear every hour, if not every minute? “Don’t go there - it’s dangerous, don’t do it - you’ll get hurt, don’t lift heavy things - you’ll hurt yourself, don’t touch, don’t climb, don’t you dare...” What kind of initiative can we talk about with such upbringing?!
Of course, mothers' fear is understandable. The son is the only one (one-child families most often suffer from overprotection), and mothers are afraid that something bad will happen to the boy. Therefore, they reason, it is better to play it safe. But such an approach is humane only at first glance. You will ask why? Yes, because in fact there are selfish considerations hidden behind it. By paying extra attention to the child, mothers and grandmothers raise him for themselves, raise him in a way that is convenient for them. And they don’t think seriously about the consequences. Although you should think about it. After all, even from an egoistic point of view, this is not far-sighted. By suppressing masculinity in a child, women distort masculine nature, and such gross violence cannot go unpunished. And this will definitely ricochet back to the family.
Twelve-year-old Pasha looked about nine years old. When answering questions (even the simplest ones, such as: “What school do you go to?”, “What films do you like?”), he curled up into a ball, fiddled with the hem of his sweater, and spoke without raising his eyes. And he constantly shivered, as if his clothes were rubbing his skin. He was tormented by fears, he did not fall asleep in the dark, he was afraid to stay at home alone. At school, too, everything was not like everyone else. Coming to the blackboard, Pasha babbled something unintelligible, although he knew the lesson by heart. And before tests, he developed such a fever that he could not sleep for half the night and ran to the toilet every two minutes. In elementary school, Pasha was often beaten, taking advantage of the fact that he did not dare to fight back. Now they beat me less, because the girls have started to stand up for me. But, as you understand, this does not add joy to Pasha. He feels like an insignificance and escapes from painful thoughts by immersing himself in the world of computer games. There he feels invincible and crushes numerous enemies.
— I used to read so much, I enjoyed going to the theater and museums. Now he refuses everything and sits in front of the computer all day long,” Pasha’s mother grieves, not realizing that she herself drove him into a corner.
This is an approximate portrait of a weak-willed boy, crushed by overprotection. Those who are internally stronger begin to show negativism and demonstrative behavior.
“I don’t understand what happened to my son.” He was a normal person, but now he takes everything with hostility. You give him his word, he gives you ten. And most importantly, no responsibility! If you order someone to buy something, he will spend the money on something completely different, and even make up three boxes. He always strives to do something contrary, to get into some kind of adventure. He keeps our whole family in suspense, he needs an eye and an eye, like a little one,” Yura’s mother complains, also not understanding who is to blame for his rebellious and infantile antics.
As a result, in adolescence, both boys are likely to fall into the so-called “risk group.” Pasha may become a victim of violence and attempt suicide, Yura may abandon his studies, get carried away by hard rock and disco, go to great lengths in search of easy money, become addicted to vodka or drugs. In other words, even the health of a child is a kind of goal for which his masculinity was sacrificed - and that will not be achieved!
Leadership
A boy will not become a man if he does not have the opportunity to lead, dominate, and compete. Who will he work through all this with if he is being raised by a woman? How can you compete with your mother? What? How can one dominate her if she doesn’t even give her husband this opportunity?
Moreover, in order for a woman next to a man to be happy, there must be a state of possessing this woman inside him. “You are mine” - this message from a man’s eyes can calm a woman’s heart. And many women have been looking and waiting for this all their lives. But how can a boy learn this from his mother? No way. He can only learn to obey and suppress the leader within himself.
Responsibilities
A boy will never become a man if he has no responsibilities. If he is all ready and does not have to do anything. If you spoon feed him and do his homework for him. If he doesn't know how clean T-shirts get into the closet. If he doesn't know which side the refrigerator opens from.
Please note that girls have responsibilities quite early. Although they could be given time to rest - they will spend their entire adult lives doing laundry, cooking and cleaning. But it wouldn’t hurt for boys to be able to serve themselves in everything. And his wife will thank you later.
Help
A boy never becomes a man if no one needs his help. If mom does everything herself, everywhere on her own, and takes care of him, what’s the point of becoming a man? The man is the one you need. Whose help they need. Who can show all his best qualities, surpass himself for the sake of his beloved woman.
This is what you as a mom can do. Ask him for help. More often, more, all the time. Ask to carry bags, play with your brother and sister, take out the trash, peel potatoes, and help with work. In any situation, ask for help. Don’t estimate his strength in advance, they say he won’t cope. If you think like that, you definitely won’t cope. And he won’t even take it. Feels distrust.
You are used to helping him all the time. Enough. Stop. If he asks for help, it’s better to encourage him that he can handle it himself. And let him try and train. Switch roles. It is not you who help him, but he who helps you. In everything. He is your helper, protector, hero and knight.
Nurturing heroism and courage
It is important to introduce boys to the exploits of the inhabitants of past eras - this will not only become a positive example, but will also help strengthen their respect for the older generation. On a subconscious level, every man (regardless of his age) has a desire for achievements, for courage, for taking risks for the sake of some high goal. This is what needs to be used in education: before the eyes of a child there should be a hero, someone close in spirit and understandable to them, doing the right thing, courageously, decisively. Children will look up to such images and want to be like them. If boys are not introduced to the manifestations of heroism, then they will lack the desire to perform feats, even small, insignificant ones, for example, to protect the weak and offended.
Psychologists approach the question this way:
- Children, even not familiar with the exploits of true heroes, understand that being cowardly is bad and shameful.
- Every boy has a desire for romance, however, without having a full-fledged example in front of them, they begin to use those images that they see on television or learn from their peers.
- The concept of “hero” is replaced by “cool”, which is not always good, since “cool” can also be an immoral character, not cowardly, courageous, but not ready for sympathy, help, and committing unseemly acts. It is this trend that is causing the increase in juvenile crime.
That is why it is important for parents who do not want to allow such a situation to happen, to introduce their children in time to those who are truly worthy of becoming role models. Let's make a reservation: the ideal is unattainable, but by trying to get closer to it, a person becomes better. Trying to be brave, like a real hero, the child may not achieve what he wants, but will strive to conquer heights. And if you lower the bar, make some concessions, it turns out that you don’t even have to try. The result is cowardice, a passive life position, and a focus on inevitable defeat. The boy develops the attitude “why do something if nothing will work out anyway.” To overcome it, it is important to instill in the child that he has heroic qualities, and not to scold and shame him for his cowardice.
In general, striving for ideals should become a good habit for everyone. Let's give a simple example. When starting to learn a foreign language, a person does not set out to speak it like a native one. The result is that the knowledge gained is enough to somehow communicate; sellers and hotel employees will understand such a tourist, but he will never become a translator. That is why it is necessary to teach a boy to set high goals from an early age. Achieving it is difficult, almost impossible, but efforts and aspirations will inevitably lead to success.
Best books
Reading suitable literature with them will greatly help in raising boys. Therefore, even a preschooler can be introduced to the works of Kataev, Olesha, Kassil, Panteleev, in which the heroes perform real feats. In addition, children will definitely appreciate “The Chronicles of Narnia” by C. Lewis and “The Adventures of Emil of Linneberg” by A. Lindgren. You can tell them about the exploits of Ivan Susanin, Russian soldiers and partisans during the Great Patriotic War. In every city there are streets named after heroes, so boys will probably be interested in finding out what is so heroic, what feat this or that person accomplished, that a street was named after him.
All this will help the difficult task of raising a son as a real man.
