For example, some people are constantly trying to make everyone believe that their own world is better, while others are always dissatisfied with something. Still others may talk about themselves for hours, making you feel like you are less important. These selfish people love the idea of “one for all and all for one,” but only when that “one” is themselves.
They will dislike and devalue you if you do not show your “superiority”. If you've met someone who is very selfish, or perhaps you have a friend or partner who is selfish, Faktrum offers some concrete ways to stand up for yourself.
Give yourself the attention you deserve
Selfish people are emotional vampires. They crave your attention but don't give it in return. To avoid being emotionally drained, give yourself the attention you gave to the emotional vampire. For example, if you have any discomfort in your appearance, go to a hairdresser or boutique. This is called "meeting your own needs" and is a great way to boost your self-esteem. Giving your attention to a self-centered person is not virtuous. He needs you only to recharge himself emotionally and feed off your energy.
Selfishness in relationships
Husband wife
She
She shows attention and care to her husband in the hope that, having become more kind and relaxed, he will definitely agree to fulfill her request:
- will give you money for a dress, a fur coat, a ring...
- will fix a faucet, a bicycle, a wardrobe, a bed...
- will make repairs in a room, apartment, house...
- will take out the trash, sort out the trash on the balcony...
- will show her attention, listen, hug, caress...
Complete your list.
That is, behind the attention and care provided lies the satisfaction of one’s desires and obtaining one’s own benefit.
He
- On the way home from work, he stops at the grocery store.
- Takes out the trash.
- Earns money and fulfills his wife's little whims.
- He is engaged in repairs and renovations in the house.
Complete your list.
In the hope that his efforts will be noticed, praised, appreciated. And in return for his actions, he will receive recognition, respect and sex.
Parents - children
Parents
- They buy ice cream, candy, cakes and other sweets.
- They buy toys, consoles, computers, phones...
- Buy fashionable clothes and accessories.
- They feed, clothe, put on shoes...
- They make wishes come true.
- They are subject to whims and hysterics, manipulations...
- They pay for tuition, sections, clubs...
And all this in order to prove to myself and others that I am a good parent. I'm a better mom than my mom was. I'm a better dad than my dad was. I am fulfilling my parental duty. I meet the norms and standards of proper parenting, and everyone has their own norms and standards :)
Friends - girlfriends
Men
- borrow money;
- respond to a request for help to buy a part, fix a car, make repairs...
- provide services in transporting things, finding employment, connecting with the right people...
- play tennis, fish...
- get together to drink beer, go to the bathhouse...
Because friends are economically beneficial, they solve any issues and you can drink beer with them, watch a match, swear and show yourself as a “man”.
Women
- listen to problems and experiences;
- help in preparing a festive dinner, sorting through things, cleaning up the mess...
- prepare and bring treats for everyone;
- they give gifts, bring souvenirs from trips...
- treated to a cafe...
- help in choosing and purchasing clothes, accessories...
Thus, using her friends as a drain for worries and problems when she needs it. To satisfy a sense of superiority and self-worth. To prove to herself that she is no worse than others and also knows how to cook, do something, etc.
Conclusion:
Most of the actions that people do for others or for the sake of others most often have a selfish motive. And it’s not even about the actions themselves, but about the motivation. In why and for what you do and accomplish something.
For those who want to learn how to identify subconscious motives of behavior, the “Pysanka - clarification” method will help.
The difficulty is that most motives are subconscious in nature and are not recognized by the person. There are actually not so many hypocrites and scoundrels who deliberately commit nasty and harmful things. Most people act and live thinking that they are doing good for others, but in fact, there is a program of selfishness at work subconsciously.
That is why such a common phrase as “doing good” appeared.
Before you do, choose, decide something for others or for them, it is important to think carefully and look for what I need it for. Why did I have the desire to do this. Why do I need this?
Remember: Altruism and selfishness are two sides of the same coin. Personal gain will always be hidden behind them.
Stay true to yourself - don't stoop to their level
Selfish people put pressure on you and try to piss you off. Don't let this happen. Don't play their games, don't participate in a situation you don't control. Don't give in to provocation!
Try to be true to yourself. It is very difficult to be kind to self-centered people who are crazy or treat you badly, but being like them is not the answer. You can alleviate any feelings of anger towards them by focusing on the positive qualities of your personality. Remember that you are a considerate and loving person.
Hear each other
Having identified what you are not happy with in your partner’s behavior, talk to him about it, using I-messages.
Describe the disturbing situation objectively, do not attack with claims and accusations, say about yourself: “I feel...”, “I would like...”, “You are important to me...”, “Our relationship is important to me...”. The further development of the situation depends on how the partners hear each other, what needs are currently relevant for each of them, and whether there is a mutual willingness to negotiate. “Sometimes a person doesn’t even think that he is doing something unpleasant, but when he hears it, he agrees to change his behavior or is ready to agree on an acceptable option. It happens that the partner does not hear and does not want to negotiate. In this case, there is a high probability that the relationship will end immediately or after some time,” adds the psychologist.
Don't give them the attention they crave.
This is a powerful strategy for dealing with extremely selfish people who do not strive to build equal relationships with others. The trick is to listen to the egoist without offering the level of attention they crave. When talking to them, your words should be bland, non-committal comments.
For example, instead of saying: “Poor thing, what did he do to you?!” - say: “Yes, this is life.” This will throw them off balance for a while. Remember, attention is your treasure. If you don't give it to them, they'll probably walk away.
Talk about topics that interest you
Bring into a conversation with a self-centered person everything that interests you: carpentry, cooking, politics. For example, if he says, “You won’t believe what my friend told me!” - answer something like: “By the way, do you know how much Bill Cosby is worth?” The more random topics you bring up that are not related to the selfish person's topics, the better.
No matter what, keep your attention on your real interests, and you will see how he will try to hide from you when he realizes that you are not interested in his self-centered stories.
How to calculate it
An egoist puts himself first, does not think about other people, about members of his family.
Let's look at what the signs of an egoist man are.
- Treats other people irresponsibly. You can't rely on him. Such a man ignores all requests. The exception is those that personally benefit him.
- He is quite proud, unable to admit his own mistakes, even when he understands that he was wrong. Quite a narcissistic person.
- Selfishness in relationships is characterized by emotional abuse. Such a man can verbally offend and morally humiliate his partner, while never apologizing.
- Can't stand anyone's criticism. Heavily dependent on praise.
- Never interested in other people's opinions. Always relies only on himself, refuses to make joint decisions.
- Lacks the ability to openly express one's feelings. At the same time, he expects increased care and attention from his partner.
- Often makes promises that he does not keep. He tries to create for himself the image of an all-powerful hero.
- Behaves inappropriately if something does not happen the way he wants.
- He is never interested in the state of health of his partner, her experiences and feelings.
- We depend on financial well-being. Often thinks about his money.
- Pretends to listen attentively to the interlocutor, but at the same time will not be able to tell what she was talking about.
- He knows about all the shortcomings of his partner. She uses this knowledge to form complexes in her. Thus, he asserts himself at the expense of his beloved.
If you notice a clear manifestation of selfishness in your man, then you need to be prepared for the fact that you will not be able to build a normal relationship with him. Before you decide to connect your life with a person who has a hypertrophied ego, you need to carefully consider your decision, decide whether you are ready for the difficulties of re-education and whether you will accept it if you cannot change it.
Stop doing favors
Selfish people always ask for favors, but are never in a hurry to help themselves when you need help. This is normal for them. While you need to be tolerant and give a selfish friend or partner a chance to change, it is also important not to encourage their selfishness, especially if it causes you pain or inconvenience.
So when a selfish person asks too much of you, you need to speak up and make it clear that your feelings are not valued. If you find yourself in a position where you have to defend yourself, keep it short and to the point, as selfish people are not the best listeners.
Pros and cons of selfishness
Now let's talk about whether it is good or bad to live for yourself without paying attention to the needs and opinions of others.
On the one hand, it is difficult to take care of only yourself. Firstly, there are our family and friends around us who spend their time and energy on us. And it is quite natural to give them part of your time and effort. If you only care about yourself, then sooner or later all your close people move away and an emptiness, a vacuum, forms around you.
On the other hand, giving everything all the time and doing for others is fraught with the fact that your merits (and sometimes sacrifices) are devalued, and it seems to others that everything is as it should be.
Often this contributes to the development of those very selfish qualities in your neighbor and a disrespectful attitude towards you. So it turns out that by constantly fulfilling the desires of others, you are raising another egoist. Don't you think so?
If now someone, having read the previous paragraph, decided that he gives too much to others and wondered: how to become an egoist, then I hasten to warn you that everyone turns away from narcissistic egoists, from those who do not see anyone but themselves.
Therefore, if you want not only to give, but also to receive, then you need not to develop selfishness, but learn to seek a compromise. If you are surrounded by people who are in love with themselves and are incapable of finding a compromise, then it is better to slowly begin to change your environment.
Actively look for friends
Give up the bad habit of allowing selfish people to get attached to you. Instead, you should look for new friends who will pay as much attention to you as you do to them. You can make connections by getting out of the house more often and meeting new people at charity events or volunteer centers.
Once you make new friends, you can share with them your experience with a selfish person who robbed you of your energy and emotions.
Who is an egoist
Before moving on to practical recommendations, let's first figure out in what cases you can consider yourself an egoist.
Selfishness is a pattern of behavior in which a person is guided solely by his own benefit and does not take into account the interests of other people. Your own “I” swells to enormous proportions and covers everything around you.
How does selfishness differ from self-love and adequately defending one’s interests? An egoist is always trying to exalt himself above other people and “grab” more privileges for himself. He considers his “I want” to be more significant than someone else’s “I want”.
Self-love does not imply anything like that. A person who loves himself is aware of his own value, but does not impose it on others. He does not demonstrate superiority and does not try to assert himself at the expense of others.
Let me give you an example. Several friends gathered in a cafe to celebrate a birthday. We ordered pizza and started sharing it. An egoist will try with all his might to grab himself a larger and tastier piece. He believes that a priori he deserves the best.
An adequate person understands that each of those present has equal rights. Therefore, distribution should occur according to the principle of social justice.
