How to love your child ☒ What to do if he is annoying

“He who gives nothing has nothing. The greatest misfortune is not that you are not loved, but that you do not love yourself.”

Albert Camus

From all sides you can only hear: pregnancy is a miracle, childbirth is a feminine feat, children are happiness. But for some reason no one warns what exactly is hidden behind the words “pregnancy”, “childbirth”, “child”. The main thing is that no one warns that this is not for one day, month or year. And for life! You understand? This note is not for those who see motherhood as a continuous fireworks display of joy, rainbow ponies and touching photo sessions. Information on how to love your child will be useful to those who do not feel called to be a mother, and sometimes hate the day they decided to give birth.

Do all mothers love their children?

No. And we need to admit this. Don’t hide from judgmental glances, don’t lie to yourself, but simply admit frankly: “This happens, and I don’t love my child either.” Although it would be more correct to clarify: “I sincerely believe and feel this way internally.” But “I feel” and “I really am”... are they the same thing?

Let's turn to the forums. Well, to make sure that such thoughts are common to many people. A small selection of frequently repeated messages:

Irritated by external ugliness and lack of money. I stupidly repeat my mother’s fate, I’m ashamed to look others in the eyes. There is so much anger inside that I want to scream. I drag out the responsibility of being a mother. I feed, wash, treat and can’t wait for her to grow up and go far away. I tried, but I couldn't love. And I don’t call her my daughter, only by name.
You can’t get non-existent love anywhere, you can’t command your heart. But it is imperative to do what every mother must do. Maybe over time tenderness and love will appear? Or maybe not. How many children have grown up in families where one is loved and the other is not.
Childbirth is difficult, the attitude is bestial. Lactostasis, obesity, panic attacks, nightmares, ulcers on the body, hair loss... The anger towards the child gradually grew: he stole my life. I shifted the blame for my own suffering, for my lost health, onto him.
This scream explodes the mind, resurrects childhood problems. It’s also annoying that you HAVE to cope. I shake him hysterically as I rock him to sleep. He becomes even more scared and starts screaming with renewed vigor. Then I throw him into the bed and shout: “It would be better if you weren’t here.” And other terrible words... Then guilt and shame come over me, because I can’t cope.
Everyone looks through themselves. Here I am - never! But personally, it’s easier for me when there are women like me who are not ashamed to admit it. And they don’t just post pink donkeys and colored rainbows online.

Postpartum depression

It’s hard to believe, but every tenth woman in the world suffers from such a mental illness. There are those who heroically struggle with oppressive feelings on their own, and through force begin to love their baby. Others walk around gloomily, doing household chores and caring for the baby like a robot. Only a few turn to loved ones for help, and a few turn to specialists. But it is the last option that is the wisest.

Even those women who planned their pregnancy often ask themselves and psychologists how to love their child after childbirth, because feelings don’t always come when you’re expecting them? Depression of this kind can be caused by many factors, and those described above in the section “Why does the problem exist?” are only part of them.

Let us note right away that many couples do not think ahead, imagining their future with a baby as something like a rosy dream. If a girl, being married to a loved one, planned the birth of a baby with him, and suddenly, when he was born, everything went wrong somehow, the following points may be the reason for this:

A woman has absolutely no time for herself, and she understands this on a subconscious level. She is forced to hide her “I” until better times, and completely surrender to the child.
The relationship with my husband changes radically. The child now sleeps in their bed, it serves as a kind of obstacle to the development of their personal life.
A young mother sits at home, and her husband disappears at work. This is causing considerable concern.

Common Consequences of Unlove

It is difficult to fulfill the duties of a mother when you do not receive positive emotions in return. You just give, hoping that everything will change soon, that feelings for the child will appear. But no... How many of these children have already grown up, how many are yet to grow up. But what does life “in form, but without content” turn out to be for a baby:

inability to love;
grievances and childhood traumas;
psychosomatic diseases;
loser syndrome;
hatred of people;
suicide;
penchant for crime;
prostitution;
murder.

I won’t scare you with stories about people who were strangled, burned alive, locked for decades in musty rooms without access to light, and people who never made it. All of them could become individuals who benefit society, adore their parents, and create their own families. But instead they died - physically or mentally. Could their mothers be helped to love them? Yes. At a minimum, do not ignore the diagnosis of “postpartum depression”, and also do not leave yourself to deal with the problem in one case or another.

Note! Postpartum depression is a very serious condition that requires consultation with a qualified specialist. To hesitate and hope for a miracle is fraught with dire consequences.

Is it necessary to show feelings?

It’s corny, but that’s what they were born for .

In order for a person to grow up healthy, and not a neurotic with a bunch of problems, he needs experience in love. He will build many things in the future on the foundation laid in childhood.

Love nourishes, it gives a child self-confidence , and determines the very essence of his existence.

And it is expressed not in the high cost of toys and the coolness of organizing a child’s birthday, but in daily attention - the most precious thing you can give him is your time. As it has been wisely noted: to raise a child well, spend less money on him, but more time.

Childfree, pregnancy: pros and cons. Psychology:

Who is he, the one who is unloved

In fact, any, absolutely any child runs the risk of being unloved:

first or second, third... tenth;
son or daughter;
all children at once or just one;
quiet or noisy;
sick or healthy;
constantly sleeping or screaming at night;
newborn or teenager;
yours or someone else's.

In this case, the child himself is not to blame for anything at all. And he cannot, even before birth, suddenly decide to irritate his own mother and cause complete negativity in her. Every child is born full-fledged, correct, necessary, talented. Everyone deserves happiness. And you don’t need to deal with him. More precisely, you don’t need to sort it out with anyone at all, but rather pay attention to the essence of the problem. But more on that later.

Instead of morality

We choose our future husband in the hope of living and growing old together. However, we all understand that “love until the grave” is also a stereotype. We can always start over if suddenly love is replaced by disappointment in a person. Remember how much time it takes to get used to each other, how many times you had to give up your desires in order not to harm, not to offend, and to maintain the spark in the relationship. All this is work on oneself, cultivating patience and mutual understanding. For some reason, it becomes a revelation to many that a child will require much more emotional investment. In addition, we are not given the opportunity to choose a child who “fits” the desired criteria. If the baby is a typical choleric person, this is extremely inconvenient for phlegmatic parents. But you have to learn to live with it. If you are a humanist, and your child suddenly develops mathematical abilities, you will also have to plunge into the world of equations in order to support and develop his inclinations. A child opens up new horizons for us in self-development and knowledge of the world. Parenting is a school of life, and it depends only on us whether we will be excellent students or get a “failure.”

How to love your own child

Honestly, it's enough to write just a couple of sentences here. Only they will be understandable exclusively to those who have already discovered for themselves a certain meaning behind the named words. After all, any, even a very short phrase carries a huge message, base, foundation. Therefore, we will first try to understand this basis using the example of common situations when children become unloved.

How to love your baby after giving birth

“The only thing associated with him is pain. Pain and complete cancellation of me. Constantly screaming, screaming hits my ears. And so the migraine tormented me, and he also... Snot, drooling, regurgitation, poop. Wants breasts. But I can not! Let him be silent and not touch me!”

It turned out to be a gloomy gray reality. But what to do. Some people live with it every day. Do you understand? They experience this every day. At the same time, outwardly they try to be ideal mothers: the baby is clean, well-fed. It just screams constantly for unknown reasons. What if we add the eternal lack of money, a wandering or absent husband? Will you fall in love?

Paradoxically, yes! When you finally stop feeling like a victim. Make a choice in favor of the future generation, which is a priori more important than the present. You just need to remember this simple fact, you don’t even need to think about anything.

We are still all used to receiving. It can be difficult to give to someone else. Don't expect gratitude - just give. And this is a baby. What can he give? He neither really smiles nor says “mom.” But this is an erroneous misconception... When the mother cancels herself and thinks only about him, and also when she is not twitching and not gushing with negativity from within, the baby also gives back: he becomes calmer, cries less, sleeps better, gives his mother a minute to take care of herself. The mother's condition is read unconsciously by the baby. For a child, the whole world is fixated on his only loved one - his mother. And when there is chaos, anger and aggression in this world? What should he feel...

It's time to understand yourself. Not just to see that there is some kind of emptiness inside, but also to find a way to fill it.

You can understand why noise and the inability to be alone for a minute are so annoying at free online lectures. Try a little and learn something new about yourself. And then the baby will become clear. And instead of someone alien, disgusting, infuriating, he will suddenly turn into such a dear, beloved, most necessary person.

Authoritarian mother. What to do?

We have all heard about different approaches to education, the benefits and importance of freedom, partnership trust and the development of responsibility in a child. But many of us over and over again catch ourselves with despotic notes in our voices, with the habit of forcing our children to do necessary and useful things and using parental authority to the fullest extent. Today we decided to paint a picture of the life and relationship with the child of an authoritarian mother.

Photo: globallookpress.com

How to love a child when he is only annoying

“Yes, as much as possible! You give it to her, you give it to her, you give it to her. And all to no avail! I, as a mother, must provide her with a home, food, and clothing. Must provide education. Must love. Must, must, must! And people are ashamed to look you in the eye. Everything should be like everyone else: kindergarten, school, college. Oh, when is this institute already! Let him go either to Moscow or abroad. If only she didn't piss me off. He does everything wrong! She stained her new dress, tore her expensive tights, and hasn’t been able to remember the poem for two hours. It just pisses me off and annoys me. And I give and give. What for? She studies poorly, so who will grow out of her? Just walk and play with toys. For 8 years, I only learned to demand and slurp at the table. When it’s already college..."

A simple truth: children are born completely normal, but what grows out of them is our merit, the parents’. When you seem to have come to terms with your dislike, you’re just playing a role, serving your sentence, and they “suddenly” start to irritate. At the same time, they do everything:

shout;
do not obey;
they study poorly;
are rude;
require;
refuse to help around the house;
slurp;
blow their nose;
breathing loudly...

It's a scary list. Especially when you realize that you are simply annoyed by this child and everything connected with him. And it doesn’t matter if he’s the only one in the family or if there are “normal” brothers or sisters. Although no, it is important. Contrast always makes the problem stand out more clearly. It’s one thing when a mother comes to terms with the idea that she simply doesn’t love children, and quite another when she doesn’t love only one. And then this wormhole appears in the head: there is something wrong with him, he is doing this on purpose, he is bad.

How to love a child who can only irritate with his own existence? Is this even real? Again, you won't believe it, but YES! I’m not going to read moral lectures, blame my mother, father or circumstances for everything. The main problem is different: ignorance of yourself and others. A person notices only the consequence, the tip of the iceberg. And what is hidden under water, what is the reason - remains a mystery to many.

What does wrong upbringing lead to?

Awareness of the cause of the situation, understanding the essence of the problem eliminates it forever. You don’t need to force yourself for a second and repeat with a mantra: “I love him” or “I can/should love him.” This will only make everything worse, and discontent will spill over onto the same long-suffering child. It's just time to get to know yourself and him. I will repeat what was said above: it’s not a shame to “I don’t know”, it’s a shame to “I don’t want to know.”

It is advisable not to forget until the child reaches adulthood that he develops only when he is given, given, given, and does not demand something in return. They give not in form, but in essence. And love is the basis of such fulfillment. It is impossible to force yourself to experience it, but often it is enough to remove what prevents it from manifesting itself.

Screaming happiness

I myself don’t understand how this happened, but one day the thought suddenly came over me: “I WANT a child.” Instantly there was a re-evaluation of all my novels and loves, I began to see potential fathers of my future baby in men... This is how I felt the maternal instinct for the first time. However, the desire to be fruitful and multiply is only a small part of the program inherent in us by nature. I realized this much later, when the dream of a child acquired the arms, legs and face of a very real boy.

After giving birth, I felt a little “shifted”. Is it normal to live for almost a year with the thought “I’m pregnant - what a blessing!”, and then suddenly realize “I have a child, what a horror!” Smells like schizophrenia, doesn't it? It turned out that I am not alone, approximately 80% of women are in a depressed mood after childbirth.

If this period drags on or worsens, it’s time to talk about postpartum depression. Every tenth mother experiences this condition. It is during this period that we most often catch ourselves thinking: “Why am I so sad? Why didn't the long-awaited child bring me a feeling of satisfaction? Where is the happiness of motherhood? Where is my maternal instinct?

If you do not feel love for your baby, this does not always mean that you are a bad mother. The most important thing is not to let these sentiments take root.

They won’t help you in any way, but it’s easy to bring neuroses to the clinic. It is important to understand that in most cases this condition is temporary and has objective reasons: hormonal changes, stress from childbirth, constant fatigue. Each of them is completely solvable:

— while the child is sleeping, also allow yourself a daytime nap, at least once a day.

— for walks with a stroller, choose different routes if possible in order to gain impressions and take a break from the everyday routine.

- don’t convince yourself that you don’t have time to “clean your feathers.” There simply must be time for this. Shower while your child sleeps (a baby monitor will help you), and take a manicure set with you for a walk. Some people manage to combine a trip to the beauty salon with their child sleeping during a walk.

— don’t be shy to call your grandmothers, sisters, and friends for help. Even if you don’t intend to trust them with your child and leave home somewhere, give yourself a sip of live communication.

- imagine more often what it was like to raise children for our mothers and grandmothers who did not have washing machines, dishwashers, sterilizers and diapers.

Adaptation to the new role of parent lasts differently for everyone. Personally, it took me three months. During this time, I learned to understand my son’s signals about what was bothering him. I saw how differently he reacted to my appearance and my words, and true love for this little angel awoke in me. This is roughly how most women gradually “fall in love” with their child.

I quote psychologist Maria Kuvyrkova: “Maternal animal love implies that a woman-mother is ready to ensure the survival of a new person - to feed, clothe, put on shoes, teach. A woman’s emotional attachment to a child beyond providing for his basic needs is also a natural addition to natural love, but it is subjective. If a woman does not feel that she and her child are similar in something important to her, then she cannot become mentally attached to him. On the other hand, it is subjectivity that allows a woman to work with this side of the relationship, to try to correct her perception of the child as alien to her. But to do this, you must first see the problem - recognize the lack and desire to have this connection, desire to love the other person.”