How to react correctly if a teenager lies and is caught in a lie

The problem of teenage lies in 80% of cases lies in improper upbringing. Trusting relationships are the main trump card in the hands of parents, but many do not know how to use it. There is probably no person who has not lied at least once in his life. For some, this is a white lie, for others, it is a state of mind. Such people can be divided into three categories: pathological liars, those who like to embellish, and those who lie due to circumstances. All of them were not born with a deceitful character trait, but acquired it in the process of growth and development. It all starts in childhood and adolescence, when a small omission gives rise to a big lie. What to do if you catch your child lying and how to deal with it, you will learn from this article.

A teenager is a creature perfectly aware of everything that he was not taught at school. Marcilyn Cox

A teenage girl lies to her mother. For what? For what?

Explain the consequences of stealing

So, you notice your teen taking money from your wallet, or you find something stolen from a store in his backpack.
If this is the first time this has happened and your teen has not committed a crime before, the first thing you should do is sit down and discuss how important it is to respect other people's property, and that breaking the law can land you in jail. Don’t downplay the seriousness of the situation or assume that theft is completely normal if no one noticed you

Speak clearly and clearly when explaining the situation, say that the consequences can change a person's entire life. Use specific definitions - theft and theft. Remind that the teenager could end up in prison for several years, depending on the severity of the offense. Remember that the situation is truly critical, so under no circumstances should it be ignored.

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Why does a child steal?

There are 6 main reasons why a child steals:

Theft from personal motives, beliefs and concepts

Theft for personal reasons is most common. For example, a child wants to give a gift to his parents or friends. But where will he get the money to buy a gift? A logical conviction is born in his head - he can take the thing on his own. And if he takes her with good intentions, what’s the big deal? If this happens, parents do not need to swear at the child and get angry, but need to calmly sit down with him and explain to him what is good and what is bad.

I really want to have something that I don’t have

When a child really wants to have something that he doesn’t have, it is a failure in teaching on the part of the parents. A child at any age should realize that if he wants something, he needs to ask for it and there is no need to steal. There is mine, and there is yours, and here we are talking about psychological boundaries.

If his parents cannot give him a certain item, he will try to take it himself. The same situation can be observed in public stores, when children begin to actively take candy into their pockets.

I liked an unusual thing, but my parents don’t want to buy it

Children have their own opinions on the world around them, they see things that can show their certain status. Don’t adults want to stand out among the gray mass? This is what children do, because if someone has a toy and they don’t, then they need to get it themselves.

Imitating friends, merging with the team

When children fall into bad company, this is a real problem. Their new friends may teach the child to steal, deceive, or abuse weaker people. In society, the sense of responsibility for one’s own actions always becomes dulled when there is a symbiotic merger with a team or a significant person, so children cease to realize the danger of their own actions and begin to imitate. If this happens and you don't know what to do about it, call me and we can discuss it.

Revenge, manifestation of aggression towards any

Children do not steal as often as revenge, but this option is also possible. As a rule, theft occurs only from the offender. By stealing in this case, the child begins to feel his own strength and superiority. Responsibility fades into the background, the task is to upset the opponent and show aggression. If you fail to steal, and enough aggression has already accumulated for it to come out, this can lead to a fight or other physical violence.

Loss of self-control or disturbances in perception of reality

Children can also experience stressful situations. Therefore, they may do rash things, including stealing various things. Adults do the same thing

There may be several causes of stress in a child; it is important to assess the severity and then make a decision.

Don't insult the child!

To calmly wait out adolescence, parents need very strong nerves. It is very difficult to respond to a child's words and actions without screaming. In moments of conflict, you really want to offend a teenager.

However, we do not recommend doing this. Abusive words will not bear fruit. The only thing they will do is hurt the child. They will cause him another protest. And they can also lower his self-esteem.

Remember that adolescence will pass sooner or later. The child will begin to behave as before. And the words you said during this period will be stored in your memory. If bad statements come from your mouth, your teenager may remember them for the rest of his life. And he will become an insecure young man.

On any issue, try to come to an agreement with the teenager.

Some teenagers behave rudely because they want to achieve a certain decision in their favor. Make sure that parents take into account their interests, listen and agree with the teenager’s thoughts.

Before you can negotiate with your child, you need to change your behavior. Realize that the teenager has already grown up. He is a full-fledged person. This means that you need to take his interests into account when communicating.

We recommend that you communicate with your child periodically. And talk not only about school topics, but generally show interest in any moments of the child’s life. In order to get rid of conflict situations and subsequently establish a trusting relationship with the child.

Therefore, we recommend that you take your teenager's opinion into account. Be mindful of his needs. Try to find compromises on any issues. In general, do everything to ensure that the dialogue takes place.

You need to do the following:

Ask how your child wants to spend the weekend. If he wants to go somewhere with you.
Ask if your child would like to go somewhere for extracurricular activities. Offer him options. And let him choose what he likes on his own.
Ask if your child would like to go with you to visit friends. Or wants to stay at home.
Your job is to ask about any activities that affect the child in any way. Under no circumstances should you confront him with a fact. Otherwise, it will provoke another conflict.

We wish you a speedy end to adolescence. All parents go through this and there is no other way. You will need strong nerves, patience and a good mood! Remember that soon the child’s boorish attitude will pass. And the situation will normalize, and having maintained a calm and even relationship and trust on the part of the child, he will trust you with his deepest secrets, share his life experience and ask for advice in any situations that are unusual for him!

Lying: how to stop it

- this is a sign of a crisis of trust between the beloved baby and the parents. You need to understand which need the baby is trying to satisfy with lies. This could be a developed imagination, lack of attention or fear of punishment, fear that parents will stop loving you.

The following steps will help you:

Resolve the internal conflict, help correct the situation. Become an ally and teach them how to solve emerging problems.
Don't try to control your child completely. Total control will make you want to pull away, protest and lie even more.
Separate reality and fiction. Offer to compose a fairy tale together if your child has a wild imagination. Make sure he understands the difference between reality and fairy tales.
Show everything by your own example. Don't make empty promises, don't lie. You are an example for your children, it’s good if it’s positive.
Don't put pressure on your teenager, expand his personal boundaries. Give credit to trust. Let him feel independent.
Theft and lies are different results of largely similar problems. They often accompany each other. In any case, both are serious signals for parents. Don’t let the situation take its course: you and your children have the right to be happy, self-sufficient people.

For advice from psychologists to parents when a child steals money from parents, watch the following videos.

How do teenagers justify their lies?

Their answers to the survey questions often contain statements that justify lying: “Sometimes it is necessary, but still, it’s unpleasant when they lie to you”; “Sometimes a lie can be useful, but sooner or later they will find out”; “A lie can be useful if it is aimed at a good cause”; “Lies can be useful, but only in moderation.”

93% of girls and 76% of boys adhere to such a loyal attitude towards lies. Lies are perceived as an unconditional and absolute evil by only 7% of girls and 24% of boys. Teenagers, seeing lies as evil, give the following answers: “Lies are always harmful”; “She can never be useful”; “If we lie, then our closest and dearest people will turn away from us”... Teenagers consider lying out of self-preservation to be the most significant reason for lying. Lying out of selfishness, lying with the best intentions, and lying out of boasting are in approximately equal positions. The study confirmed the assumption that the most commonly cited reasons for lying are “lying out of fear of punishment” and “lying out of desire for praise.”

Spend more time with your teenager

If theft is an attempt to attract attention, the situation should under no circumstances be ignored. Try to spend time with your teenager on a regular basis, demonstrate that you care about him

Invite him to do something together - choose something that really interests him, for example, go to a concert of his favorite band. In such a situation, you can discuss awkward questions and topics that cause discomfort. Reassure your teen that there is no reason to be shy and that stealing is not an option. Explain that you can always turn to you for help and that condoms and other types of contraception are not something to start stealing over.

Talk to your teenager

Have a confidential conversation with your teenager in calm tones. During this, do not blame the child under any circumstances. Don't lecture him. Your job is to have a productive dialogue. Which will ultimately lead you both to what you want.

Ask your teen why he is lying. What motives does he pursue during this? What is he trying to achieve with the help of lies?

Perhaps during the dialogue the teenager himself will tell you what worries him. Explain his motivation for lying. And based on this, you can draw a conclusion about how you can help a teenager.

The reason for lies on the part of a teenager can be:

Reluctance to receive disapproval from parents.
The desire to maintain the trust of adults.
Not wanting to appear weak to parents. The fact that he did not act in a certain situation as he should have.

And also much more. As you talk, ask your teen to be honest. Promise that you won't criticize him. And also to insult and interrupt.

Treat your teen with respect. It’s as if you’re talking not to a teenager, but to an adult. And they are ready to listen to all his problems. Get into position.

In the process of a confidential conversation, you will most likely be able to get rid of further manifestations of lies. You will get the teenager to start telling you the truth again. Or, at least, he will lie less often.

Don't give advice to your child unless he asks for your opinion.

Many parents make a mistake when conducting dialogues with their children. Situations when a child wants to speak out are perceived by adults as a desire to get advice. They give recommendations to a teenager when he is not expecting them. And then they get offended when he doesn’t fulfill them.

When you give a teenager advice that he didn't ask for, the system of trust between you is broken. The teenager just wants to talk to you. And not to receive instructions as if he were a small child. As a result, the teenager begins to share less with you the situations that happened in his life.

To prevent this from happening, always listen to your child. Ask questions that will help the teenager make his own decisions about how to get rid of the process. Ask:

How do you feel about what happened?
What emotions does it evoke in you?
What ways do you see to solve this problem?
Do you think that what you did is the only correct way out of the situation? Or not.

And so on.

What you should never do

Correct behavior tactics are the key to successful dialogue with a child. A thoughtless punishment can once and for all deprive you of the authority and trust of your son or daughter.

Do not arrange a public debriefing of the flight, especially if the child committed theft for the first time.
Do not label, do not call the child a criminal, a thief, do not paint gloomy pictures of the prison future.
Don’t say phrases like “We didn’t raise you for this,” “There are no thieves in our family,” “I didn’t expect this from you.”
Do not compare your child with other children, famous criminals, negative characters, do not give examples from family history, for example, “You are just like your grandfather, who served 25 years.”
Do not pester with constant reproaches and reminders of the offense committed.
Do not discuss the situation with strangers and family members in the presence of the child, savoring the details and thereby humiliating him.
Don't bring up past misdeeds while scolding them for what just happened.

No matter how impudently a child behaves, he is still afraid and expects punishment, so the listed negative statements will be received with hostility. It will be like in the famous joke - “I behave the way you called me, what don’t you like?” If you choose the right tactics, he will listen, and then you will have a conversation from which he will draw conclusions.

Don't punish the thief

No, this does not mean at all that you need to turn a blind eye to the misconduct! But physical punishment also makes no sense. The rule of punishment is simple: you cannot direct the impact from the personality of the parent to the personality of the child.

The situation itself must punish. And the object of punishment is incorrect behavior, and the child himself remains loved. Second is consistency. No double standards: dad can do it, but you can’t; Yesterday it was possible, but today it is impossible; Yesterday they punished, and tomorrow they gave up.

At the crime scene

You can call the baby from another room, redirect his attention, and then ask him what he was doing where he was noticed. If the thief is from 3 to 6 years old, then you can conduct a dialogue with him quite openly, saying: “I saw how you did this

You know, I felt very sorry for the owner of this thing. I immediately thought how upset he would be..."

A teenager who is caught off guard can expect to react with anger or outright lies.

In both cases, there is no need to raise your voice or use the imperative mood.

It’s better to quietly and half-jokingly ask: “Do you need my help? I was going to give you a few hundred for the movie, but I see you can handle it on your own. Only you take from the wrong wallet (pocket, bag). For you, I put money in a piggy bank (box, jar). How much do you need?" The question is asked in order to draw the child into dialogue.

As you continue the conversation, be sure to find out what the amount is for. For some purchases, you need to plan a budget and purchase period together; for others, you need to explain that such expenses are irrational or unaffordable for the family now. It is necessary to end the dialogue with a compromise, an agreement.

Over the years

Punishment is ineffective if it comes at the wrong time. Children are not punished for events of long ago - this does not improve the situation tomorrow at all, but it harms contact and psychological comfort today.

If the fact of theft became known after the fact, then you can only talk with the child about whether he realizes his guilt

It is important that in this conversation the phrase is heard: “Well done for not being afraid to talk about it”

What should a Sunday school teacher do if one of his students steals?

It is imperative to respond to such a situation. First of all, notify the child’s parents. If they do nothing, you need to tell someone in charge about what happened - the director, the priest, the rector of the temple. As the Gospel says: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone; If he listens to you, then you have gained your brother; But if he does not listen, take with you one or two more, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established; if he does not listen to them, tell the church; and if he does not listen to the church, then let him be to you as a pagan and a publican” (Matthew 18:15-17). That is, you need to act gradually: first talk to the director of the Sunday school, and if that doesn’t help, talk to the rector of the church.

I would also advise talking to your confessor so that he can give advice on how to act in such a situation. But I am convinced that the range of information about this incident needs to be expanded, and not hushed up. Perhaps, if the parents do not react to what is happening, the confessor will give advice to involve the dean in solving the problem or involve caring parishioners who will help influence the situation. It is very sad if parents cover up theft and do not strive to compensate for the losses and help their child improve. But we definitely need to talk about this. Do not shout or scold the child, but talk to the parents and everyone who has influence on him.

Create a punishment that involves positive action.

You should not physically punish your child or try to shame him - this will only cause anger and discomfort. Focus on linking punishment with positive action. This will help your teen become more aware of the harm that stealing can have on relationships and begin to better value honesty. For example, if a child stole money from your bag, have him return everything stolen - he can work part-time or do household chores to earn this amount. By doing extra work around the house, it is easier to understand the consequences of the actions taken, so this method of punishment turns out to be very effective and at the same time beneficial.

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Advice and recommendations from a psychologist

So that parents can help their child cope with the problem of theft, it is recommended to use the following advice from psychologists.

Parents need to develop the child's respect for other people's property.
As early as possible, it is necessary to develop the right attitude towards money and values.
It is worth constantly maintaining psychological contact and being attentive to all events in the child’s life.
Find out first for yourself, and then explain to your child the concepts of “what is good” and “what is bad.”

It should be remembered that each child is individual and the advice and recommendations of specialists should be used with caution

It is important to monitor the child’s behavior during an educational conversation and try to conduct the dialogue in an even voice, without intimidation or shouting.

At what age do children start lying?

At the age of 3-4 years, children's thinking is already sufficiently developed to invent unrealistic situations and fantasize. At this age, such behavior can hardly be called deception, because it is part of the development of the psyche. Kids talk about things that do not correspond to the truth, completely openly and without malicious intent, without fear of punishment.
After 4 years, children are already able to distinguish between what is good and bad. Therefore, violating the prohibitions of parents and others, they may try to cheat and tell lies in order to avoid punishment or condemnation.
From 5 to 7 years old, children are already well aware of the behavior of others. Seeing how adults tell lies, they imitate those around them and take on this behavior themselves, considering it the norm. If a child begins to lie at this age, parents need to explain in a gentle or playful way why it is impossible to lie, in order to prevent pathological lying at an older age.
At 13-14 years old, the transition to adulthood begins. By this point, they have a clear picture of their perception of the world and choose a certain line of behavior in life. During such a difficult period, an incorrectly formed attitude towards honesty can lead to lies becoming part of a teenager’s lifestyle, which can have a negative impact in adult life.

At this special age, parents need to be especially attentive to their children, but not overdo it with control. At the first signs of lying, you should understand the reasons and help overcome this shortcoming.

Should I punish my child for lying?

When your child lies—and I emphasize when, not if—remember the reasons for lying. Namely:

this is a certain stage of development,
he copies you
he creates his own personal space,
trying to communicate his feelings to you in this way,
trying to avoid punishment or a quarrel.

If lying is causing a problem, it is better to identify what is behind the lie and deal with it rather than punish the child. This will turn him into an even bigger liar.

The more intolerant you are, the harsher the punishments, the less likely it is that the child will trust you. He still wants to please you, to gain your approval, but he will do this at the expense of honesty and his true self, possibly sacrificing his mental health.

Draconian regimes cannot transform people into good, highly moral members of society. They don’t help you establish a satisfying relationship for both of you, but they can prevent your child from building good, healthy relationships in adulthood.

Lies and age

Psychologists note that a child uses his first skills of simple and easy deception starting from six months of his life. Typically, this is laughter or crying used to attract the attention of adults.

With age, deception begins to take on more sophisticated forms. How can this be explained? The fact is that at each age certain difficulties arise in the formation of a child’s character. Parents who set out to wean their child from constant lies and deception should take this into account. The first step to achieving your goal is, of course, eliminating the reasons that provoke lies. Next, it is recommended to take the advice of educational psychologists who offer educational methods in accordance with the age of the child.

Show that lying is not the only way out of a situation

When communicating with your child, you need to teach him that issues with parents can be resolved through sincere conversations. With a detailed statement of the position on what does not suit the teenager. And not lies.

This is necessary so that the teenager understands: it is not necessary to use lies to achieve your goals. You can find a way out of the situation if you talk honestly.

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Who's really to blame?

People around the child should pay attention first of all to themselves and think about what they did to provoke it. Perhaps they did not explain the reasons why he does not have this or that thing, perhaps they showed greed towards him

Or maybe, when distributing funds within the family, some of its members - children - did not receive proper financial attention. How often do we do this? Dad can afford to spend part of his salary on drinking beer with friends, but the child cannot afford anything - he doesn’t earn any money. And if parents ignore his needs, this will not lead to anything good. The family budget should be distributed among all its members - including those who cannot yet earn money

It is important

Of course, a lot depends on what kind of theft happened: was it the first time - or has it become a pattern? What exactly was stolen? Both the behavior of adults and the degree of punishment depend on this. It’s one thing if a child steals candy or an orange - he can do it out of hunger or because he simply doesn’t see such treats at home. It’s another matter if a child who has a phone takes another one for himself. Parents faced with such a problem should be puzzled not only by the issue of punishment, but, above all, by finding out the reasons for the theft.

What to do if a teenager tries to manipulate you with the help of lies?

There are situations when teenagers lie in order to manipulate you. In these cases, you need to act radically. State the fact that the teenager lied to you.

Let's simulate the situation:

Suppose 500 rubles were debited from your bank card. In mobile banking, you can see that this amount was sent to Apple's account. Therefore, a purchase was made from your smartphone in the game store.
You don't play games. Moreover, those that were installed on your phone relatively recently (and are now on the last tab of the main screen of your smartphone).
You understand that the only one who could make a paid purchase is your son. Come up to him. You ask the question if he did it.
In response, the son begins to deny. First he says that he didn’t take your phone at all. And then, a few minutes later, he convinces you that he pressed the wrong button. And I accidentally paid for the purchase with your bank card.

You see that the teenager's version of what is happening has changed. He lied. Therefore, your task is to directly say that he lied to you. State that you caught him in a lie.

When a teenager realizes that his lies have been exposed, he will stop deceiving you. Because he will understand: it will not be possible to carry out manipulations with the help of lies towards you.

Advice from a psychologist to parents if your child steals

If your child steals or took the thing he needed without asking, it means he was unable to cope with his inner desires and has an emotional deficit. Perhaps your child lacked basic knowledge, self-control, or was stressed. This means that he needs psychological help and support.

This problem can be solved in one of the following ways: the child will be helped by classes with a psychologist, or the second option is for you, as a parent, to come to me for a psychological consultation, and if you live in another city and cannot come to my psychological center on Tsvetnoy Boulevard, then it is possible consultation with a psychologist online.

What motivates teenagers to lie to their parents?

Parents suffer severe disappointment when their child begins to lie, dodge, and shield himself. But before you take offense at a teenager, invent punishments for him and read long lectures, it is worth delving into the reasons for deception. Only by understanding the child’s true motives can you come up with a method for solving problems.

Fear of upsetting parents

Teenage lies are not always something negative. Sometimes a child is simply afraid of upsetting his beloved parents. For example, a mother buys her son or daughter a smartphone that her child has dreamed of for so long, but the phone breaks. This situation is sad, but the child is even more upset when he understands that his mother will be upset. Such an unpleasant situation forces the teenager to lie, dodge and evasively answer questions related to the smartphone. A teenager can get a part-time job after school (or instead of school) in order to raise money to fix a phone or buy a new one, starting to lie about his pastime, so that his mother does not find out about the trouble that has happened. Such a lie will be temporary and will only testify to the child’s good upbringing and sincere love for his parents.

Need for self-defense

One of the most common reasons for lying among teenagers. It is caused by the parents themselves when the child lacks trust. For example, if a family is characterized by an authoritarian style of interaction (“I speak - you listen”), then at an earlier age the child could not even think about lying - he was afraid of punishment. And in adolescence, it is a challenge to domineering parents and an opportunity to limit their influence on your life and personality. Sometimes, lying is the only way out, because the teenager is sure that his parents will not appreciate the truth. A secret does not have to be associated with something forbidden. This may be choosing a specialty at a university that is not what your parents wanted, playing rock music, or communicating with people “undesirable” for the family. If parents do not understand their mistake in time and do not try to build a trusting relationship, the gap in communication between them and the child will increase.

Need for personal space

Many parents refuse to realize that their child has already grown up; he is actively becoming an individual separate from his parents. A necessary condition is to have your own space, where parents do not have the right to break into without asking. For example, many mothers see nothing wrong with rummaging through their children’s personal belongings, reading their diaries, or hacking into correspondence on social networks. Justifying your unworthy behavior with concern. If the situation is familiar to you, then it’s time to realize that a child is not a thing. If he is not ready to share something secret with his parents, there is no need to insist. He has the right to secrets. If the child does not give cause for strong concern, do not press with reproaches for secrecy. Give time and space. Maybe your child is having his first relationship with the opposite sex or has had a quarrel with an old friend. When he is ready to talk about his secret, he will do it. But only to those parents in whom he is confident. If you act behind your back, there will never be trust again.

Getting Parents' Attention

Not all parents interfere in their children's lives. Some are too busy for this. Their whole life consists of work and constant worries. A teenager is no longer perceived as a child who needs help and control. Parents see that he is alive, fed and occupied with something. That's enough for them. Such indifference is very painful for a teenager. He needs support, warmth, affection. There is a high probability that he will begin to invent problems and illnesses for himself in order to attract parental attention. Or he will behave in the most inappropriate way, just to find out that his parents care about his life. Even swearing in his direction is perceived as a sign of attention.

An attempt to gain authority

A teenager really wants to seem like an adult in the company of peers who behave in the same provocative manner. “Adult” secrets appear: relationships, smoking, drinking alcohol, discos, dangerous hobbies. All this, as it seems to a teenager, makes him an adult and independent. But he understands perfectly well: his parents will have a different opinion. This behavior is typical of children with low self-esteem, for whom peer recognition is vital. In this situation, parents should be especially careful and patient. If you understand that your child is lying about his pastime, start a conversation very carefully. Say that you are very worried, tell them that you are not ideal either. It is very important to convey to the child the fact that authority can be gained in other ways. And if friends only admit destructive hobbies, these are people who cannot be trusted.

Negative atmosphere in the family

We are not talking about dysfunctional families here. Quite the opposite. If a stressful situation occurs in the family, it is difficult for the child to cope with it and reorient. For example, parents’ divorce or their decision to have a second child secretly from the first. Parents believe that they are protecting their beloved teenager from “adult” problems. But the teenager himself sees the situation differently. In a state of stress, a teenager loses ground under his feet. It seems to him that there is no stability and trust anywhere. In this state, he will seek support and understanding. And he may find it with the wrong people. During times of stress, children tend to associate with “bad company.” Parents should not hide disagreements or other important events in the life of the family. The child has the right to know and participate in family affairs.

Excessive load

Parents have no idea: modern children have a very difficult time. They experience stress every day at school. Sometimes the load is so high that it can be extremely difficult to cope with it. Therefore, children lie about their academic performance and unfinished homework. But if a teenager, in addition to his main activities, also has several clubs and endless responsibilities around the house, then maybe this is too much?

Irresponsibility

A reason for which there is no excuse. During adolescence, the concept of responsibility must be formed. If his parents instilled him from early childhood. At the age of 11-15 you should already understand: you should be responsible for everything said and done. A lie that was not noted by parents once and was not followed by an obligatory conversation gives rise to new deceptions. If you don’t nip these moments in the bud, lying will become a way of life. And the child will not feel guilty at all for untruthful words.

Mythomania

A critical case suggesting a personality disorder. Mythomaniacs are also called pathological liars. People with this syndrome live in captivity of fantasy. The child invents completely fantastic and illogical stories. He may have a very vivid imagination, but there is a difference between fantasizing and mythomania. In the first case, the child understands that he made everything up and is not offended when other people do not believe in the stories. A person with mythomania is convinced that he is right and he aggressively defends his point of view. The mythomaniac does not pursue a specific goal and does not seek profit from his lies.

Those people who have no confidence in life and have not been able to achieve their goals are susceptible to mythomania. That’s why dreams and illusions arise about one’s success. They do not realize the harmful consequences of such self-deception for the psyche. As a rule, others stop taking the mythomaniac seriously. The more they help him plunge into his own illusory world. Parents should pay special attention to such behavior, because it is almost impossible to cope with the problem without the help of a psychotherapist.

Why do teenagers lie? “Advice from a child psychologist” in Morning at 7

Tips on how to cure lying in teenagers

How to deal with a cheating teenager:

A conversation on the topic of lying should begin in a calm, balanced state, having previously thought through the questions that will be asked.
In order not to offend the teenager or push him away from communication, you can first record your questions on a voice recorder and listen to them - perhaps some wording may sound tactless.
Before starting the conversation, make sure that the child is in a calm mood and is not overexcited or tired.
It is better to start a conversation with phrases that will make it clear that the parent is friendly. For example, “Listen, they say here that...” or “Is it true that they told me...”. Such phrases will help the deceiver to begin to present the situation himself, and not to extract information from him.
Having found out the reason why the teenager lied, you need to show him your sympathy and willingness to help. For example, with the phrase “Let’s think together about how to do...”.
If punishment is still inevitable, then it would be nice to express your regret: “I’m very sorry, but I’ll have to limit you to...” It’s better not to use phrases with the word “punishment.”
At the end of the conversation, express sincere hope that the situation will improve: “You will succeed”, “I believe that you will be able to next time...”.

Build a trusting relationship with your child

Your job is to form a quality relationship with your teenager. Those in which there will be trust, love and support between you. A teenager must understand that if he tells the truth (even the bitter one), you will support him. You will scold him, but, nevertheless, you will not turn away from him.

In this case, the teenager will lie to you less. Because he won't see the point in it. Telling the truth will be an easier way out of the situation for him than lying.

The opposite situation also exists. If you regularly accuse a teenager of making the wrong decision, he will lie to you. Or maybe stop talking about your problems altogether. And what worries him.

Because he will understand that if he tells the truth, you will criticize him once again. Who would like to be constantly humiliated and insulted? And also do not take his opinion into account?

Inconsistency with parents' aspirations

This type of behavior usually occurs among schoolchildren. Having reached adolescence, they seek to escape parental pressure and control. For example, a mother wants her daughter to be a musician, but the girl likes to draw. Or a boy dreams of a radio club, and his dad wants him to become a translator. When their parents are not at home, these children design and draw, and then say that they studied English or music. Sometimes a child with average abilities, whose parents want to see him as an excellent student, also lies. Such a student constantly makes excuses, talking about the bias of teachers.

What to do if a child lies because he does not fulfill the wishes of his parents? Adults need to understand that they most likely dream of their children doing what they themselves once failed to do. Or maybe such expectations contradict the interests and inclinations of the child? In addition, you need to understand that a son or daughter will not be able to achieve success in an unloved business. In order to correct the situation, psychologists recommend giving children the opportunity to go their own way. In this case, there will be much less deception in the family.

How to deal with a teenager telling lies?

Of course, there is no general recipe here; we will discard the slobbering commandments regarding trust in the family immediately and categorically, but there is a rule that has helped me out more than once: at the first signs of a child’s deviation from the general line, I launched a secret investigation, collected facts, and after two -, rarely during a four-hour interrogation, the innocent creature, pinned to the wall, usually shed tears, smeared snot and gave evidence.

Catharsis set in, measures were taken, and for some time the child really was touchingly truthful, diligent and noble. Not for long. Within thirty-six hours. They are not capable of more.

Garry Knight / flickr.com (CC BY 2.0)

Adults (parents, teachers) consider lying to be an absolute evil. But teenagers don't. O.V. Barsukova published the results of her interesting empirical research, which showed that teenagers do not consider lying to be an exclusively negative phenomenon that requires exposure and punishment.

Remember, you won’t be able to open a teenager like a tin can.

Why do many 13-14 year old teenagers constantly lie?

Before scolding a child for lying, you need to find out the reasons for this behavior:

The need for independence

Teenagers most often consider themselves to be quite adults who make independent decisions. This increases their self-esteem and gives them an incentive to improve themselves. A ban on certain actions or actions will inevitably lead to the teenager starting to tell lies and be rude, trying to defend his right. Irritation and punishment will only aggravate the situation, and parents risk completely losing the trust of their child, who will persistently stick to his line.

In such a situation, it is best to assess how harmless the teenager’s independent actions are. If he does unacceptable things, it is necessary to calmly and gently explain that he cannot yet do certain things himself. If necessary, you can offer an alternative.

For example, if a child skips classes, considering studying a waste of time, then you can offer him the right to a free day once a month, which he can spend on his hobbies.

Personal space

Overly ambitious parents, who want to raise a child prodigy according to all the canons of education, monitor not only his studies, but also all his activities outside of school. This may concern friends, hobbies, favorite music. It may seem to some that the teenager communicates with peers unworthy of his level or social status. In such situations, excessive control or punishment for disobedience can lead to the child closing himself off from his parents and starting to lie in defense of his right to privacy.

It is important to listen to the teenager’s wishes and find a joint solution. There is no need to prohibit him from music that his parents don’t like, because everyone’s tastes are different.

And communication with friends who cause suspicion can be transferred to the home environment, naturally, without adult intervention. This option will give him the right to communicate, and his parents will be able to take a closer look at his friends.

Fear of punishment

By the age of 13-14 years, children already understand that they will be punished for bad behavior. Trying to avoid trouble, teenagers try to keep things quiet or deceive their parents. Most often at this age, conflicts arise due to poor performance or lack of discipline at school.

You need to understand that a child is not a robot and cannot always cope with the school load. It is completely unfair to punish someone for a bad grade without finding out the reasons. It is best to understand the situation in a calm mood and try not to raise your tone. It would be a good idea for parents to remember that mistakes happen at work, which sometimes adults themselves hide behind lies or omissions.

Features of temperament

A tendency to fantasize and embellishment occurs in many people at this age.

If a child talks about his successes and is a little disingenuous, then it is best not to pay attention to this fact at all, but to once again praise and show attention. But some children get so excited that they can no longer stop and even believe their own lies.

It often happens that teenagers deliberately lie, most often causing a negative reaction. With a lack of attention, children deliberately irritate their parents. If it seems that a son or daughter has become rude and impudent, then in most cases the reason for this is the busyness of parents who have abandoned their children. This situation often occurs in families in which there are younger children who receive more attention and care.

A teenager is lying - what to do?

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes.

Several times in my life I have met pathologically deceitful people. They did not distort any specific fact or situation, but gave false information about literally everything. According to the principle: “everything I say cannot be used against me for one simple reason - I’m lying!” At the same time, the people, each in their own way, were wonderful, but for some reason unknown to me they chose to live like this. Since then, every time I come across a lie, especially if it comes from my children and pupils, I do not rush to conclusions. I remember that a liar can turn out to be a good person.

It is important to consider that people’s motives for telling lies, especially if these people are very young, can be very different. There are incorrigible dreamers who live with great pleasure in the world they have invented. Moreover, it is so real for them that they quite sincerely confuse the events taking place in two different worlds. It’s difficult to call such a position a lie, although it can cause quite a few troubles. For parents, it makes it very difficult to objectively assess the situation in which the child lives. For example, he will excitedly talk about friends, studies, company, and all this will be so fun and detailed that you will never suspect a catch, until one day you are faced with the fact that everything is difficult with a teenager’s studies, relationships with friends are so-so, and what he calls a “friendly company” is a collection of random people. He just really wanted to believe that he had no problems and he “finished” and “decorated” the bleak reality a little in his imagination, came up with his “Carlson”.

The treatment for such lies is the simplest: excess fantasy is a direct consequence of a lack of real events. So it’s worth thinking about how to return this balance to normal by offering your child an exciting activity. This is exactly the case, because one-time adventures cannot solve the problem.

It’s a completely different story when it comes to conscious, systematic lies. In this case, it’s worth mobilizing, gathering your willpower and... stop suspecting the child of malicious intent. Teenage lies are a defensive reaction. Therefore, it is worth thinking about what or from whom exactly the child is being protected. It may very well turn out that you are the reason for his lies.

This is not a very pleasant discovery. I really want to brush aside such guesses and urgently find someone else to blame. But the facts are inexorable: in a normal situation, a teenager can do just fine without lying. He has childhood behind him, when lying was a kind of experiment, and ahead of him is adulthood, in which a person can afford the luxury of telling the truth. If a teenager does not take advantage of this opportunity, there are reasons.

And the most common reason for teenage lies is excessive parental control or, as experts say, “overprotection.” The fact is that a growing child needs independence. It is so necessary that at some stage it is more important to him than many moral obligations. So either you give him this independence voluntarily, limiting your presence in his life, or prepare for the fact that he will begin to defend his independence by other methods. The most convinced go to open rebellion, while the majority make do with lies. He will lie about everything. Where he was, what he did, who he is friends with, what he believes in. Just to protect my world from your obsessive attention.

“You know, I would probably gladly not lie to my mother if I had even the slightest chance to come to an agreement with her, but she decides everything for me and doesn’t keep any promises.” We agree that I will go for a walk, and at the last moment she changes her mind,” admitted one fifteen-year-old girl. At the same time, I knew for sure that she had nothing special to hide from her parents, but it was no longer possible to build a relationship without lies.

It is clear that this situation does not add peace in the home and love between family members. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. The real problem is that the habit of lying acquired in youth will not disappear over the years, but will evolve. The principle “it’s easier to lie than to defend” will be the basis of relationships with spouses, employers, and business partners. And even if a mature teenager realizes his childhood problem, it may take years to get out of the vicious circle.

So every parent has to make a choice what is more important to him: a controlled situation now, or an adult responsible person in the future. My choice in such cases is to close my eyes and trust the child. Take an interest in matters unobtrusively and respectfully, respond evenly and friendly to the most sensational confessions, and do not enter a room without knocking. Try it - it really helps.

Photo www.flickr.com, martinak15

The problem of child theft

Childhood is the time of formation of the personality of a future person; this period is very responsible and dangerous at the same time. If parents miss important moments, the consequences will affect the child's entire life. The greatest changes during growing up occur during adolescence, however, the roots of changes appear much earlier. It is much easier to stop the first changes, rather than wait until criminal acts become the norm and become permanent.

It may seem that the once obedient toddler has suddenly turned into a brash and rude teenager. But this is far from true, you can simply miss all the dangerous signals and let the situation take its course.

A person cannot exist without communication and interaction with people. However, the social environment is very aggressive; from the first steps, the child begins to defend his rights for his “place in the sun.” Self-affirmation, for some children, becomes a priority idea. Very unsightly methods can be used - drinking alcohol, drugs, rude behavior, robbery. Statistics show that deviant behavior is observed in every sixth child. According to anonymous surveys, about 6% of secondary school students admitted to theft; the real numbers are probably even higher.

The problem of child theft is very difficult, but solvable

It is important not to go to extremes: on the one hand, completely ignore it, on the other, react with panic, aggression, and misunderstanding. The key to an effective fight is to find the causes of theft