Everyone knows how it is undesirable or, on the contrary, how one should react correctly to insults and aggression, but at the level of general phrases. Often they have little to do with practice and turn out to be useless at the most necessary moment. For example, from childhood we were taught that we need to “be smarter,” “not stoop to their level,” “keep calm,” and so on. But for some reason they forgot to explain how exactly to achieve an internal state in which all this would be possible. And the “be smarter” advisers almost always turn out to be “smarter” only in words, but at the critical moment it turns out that all people are the same.
Insult in the usual sense of the word is a negative assessment of a person, given in an indecent and/or rude form. As a rule, it has nothing to do with reality, because the truth is not considered an insult, and it is not customary to be offended by it. This is such a paradox.
Just think about it: a person who verbally insults you is deliberately lying, that is, by definition he acts basely and himself deserves unflattering reviews. Why does an ordinary lie hurt people so much that some decide to kill just to refute it? It's all about a psychological attitude: if you allow yourself to be insulted, it means you deserve insults or admit that you are weak. In essence, an insult is a challenge and a threat. The insulter does not so much reveal information as demonstrate that he can say anything with impunity.
To learn not to react to insults and behave as common sense dictates, you need to master the art of turning off stereotypical behavior patterns and focusing on values. By values we mean:
- life and health;
- dignity (real, that is, determined by a person’s actual way of life, thoughts and actions, and not by dubious characteristics from the outside);
- material assets (that is, any property that has a monetary equivalent);
- spiritual and moral values (faith, beliefs and views, etc.).
Now point by point: can swearing and rudeness threaten your health or life? No. Dignity, that is, the totality of actions and objective characteristics? No. Property? No. Do the dirty words of one person, for example, defame a religion with a centuries-old history and billions of followers? Also no. It’s the same as throwing lumps of dirt at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris: the vandal will get his hands dirty, the building has stood and will continue to stand.
Conclusion: there is no point in rushing to defend your sacred from the attacks of a boor, since it is by default inaccessible to him. Another thing is if you or your family are in danger from actions where your property is being damaged or stolen, then protection makes sense and is necessary.
Go against your impulse
You can think as much as you like about common sense, values, expediency and other similar things, but this will not erase the stereotypical model of behavior from the subconscious and will not even turn off for a while. Therefore, at the first insult or unfounded criticism, you will receive a strong motivating impulse urging you to enter into a skirmish with the insolent person. To do the right thing in this case is to do the opposite. The impulse requires confrontation - remain neutral, requires a retaliatory insult - respond politely, evokes strong emotions - suppress, ignore or balance them.
Abstract yourself
Stop thinking about being insulted, we have already established that it is impossible to do this with words. Remember, when trying to throw dirt at you, your opponent gets his hands dirty, and this dirt simply does not reach you. Therefore, there is no point in interfering. Wait until he has spoken completely, then resume the conversation in your previous polite tone, as if nothing happened.
If you think that others will regard such behavior as a sign of weakness, you are very mistaken. An outside observer will only see that none of your opponent’s “throw-ins” even touched you.
"You can't leave, you can't stay"
► What should I do if I am a victim of bullying?
First of all, you need to call a spade a spade, discover this discomfort in yourself, the state of dissatisfaction with what is happening and connect it with what is happening. You need to accept that this is bullying, that your team is sick.
Then you need to understand that you yourself are responsible for your inaction, for tolerating such an attitude towards yourself. You need to understand why this is happening, what exactly keeps you in this team, why you don’t do anything about it.
Only when the problem is recognized does it become possible to choose further actions. But first ask yourself: “Am I ready to defend myself?” There are people who are not ready to resist aggression because it will take up too many resources. In this case, there is only one way out - to leave the team.
Often, when a person finds the strength to fight, the victim in this traumatic system changes: the aggressor is not interested in tyrannizing a person who can fight back and do something. This is why bullying is a disease: when one person is no longer a victim, another takes his place.
► What should I do if my colleagues bully me?
You must find a person under whose command the team is located who can influence the group. Tell your boss that the team is in a psychologically unhealthy environment and that you cannot realize yourself in such conditions.
► What if he says that I need to cope on my own?
Then say: “You know, I can leave, I will find a job, but what is happening in your team will not stop, the situation will remain the same, someone else will endure attacks from colleagues.” And if the leader is ready to do something about it, the situation will change.
► What if the aggressor is my boss?
Then contact his boss. If this is not possible, there is only one way out - change jobs.
► What should I do if I am bullied by my classmates at the university? Who will influence them?
Each group has a curator, the only question is whether he wants to get involved with this: after all, the majority of students are adults who are difficult to influence.
But there are other ways to fix the situation. You can contact the university's psychological services and work on what makes you a victim.
Another option is to find a place or area in which you can take your mind off what is happening, which will help you feel important, not to go deeper into the state of victimhood, which will help you preserve your self.
And, of course, you can take a leave of absence and then start studying in another group or enroll in another university.
► What should I do if I am bullied in the army?
This is the most difficult question. And, it seems to me, the difficulty is that if in another situation we can change jobs, training staff, then this will not work with the army, no one will let you go.
The important thing here is to understand who can solve the problem. There really is a strong fear of getting into big trouble if you tell the commander about the bullying. Moreover, you cannot be sure that he will not support what is happening and will not think that you are just complaining. Then it makes sense to seek support from relatives, to talk about what is happening within the team, so that the initiative to change what is happening comes not from the victim, but from relatives.
This is a very sore subject, because very often, unfortunately, what is called bullying in the army is perceived as “character building.” Silent encouragement of hazing is very destructive.
► What should I do if I am being bullied online?
Social networks create the illusion of a space for the unpunished flow of emotional reactions. There is a feeling that nothing will happen to you for your aggression - because of this, bullying on the Internet is developing more often and faster.
You need to understand that on your page on social networks it is you who dictate the rules, just simply limit access to information about yourself, replace with you can block those whose manner of expressing their opinion is boorish and unnecessarily harsh. You can leave the discussion if this is a forum.
When publishing information about yourself, becoming a popular person, you must be prepared for the fact that you may be covered with negativity from those who do not like it. This is the downside of publicity.
► What if I am oppressed in the family - for example, by my wife’s or husband’s relatives?
Discuss the situation with your loved one, say that you see and feel an unacceptable attitude towards yourself. And there are two options: either he says to his relatives that this cannot be done with you, or you end your relationship with them.
► How can I understand that my partner is discriminating against me?
You need to rely on your own discomfort. If you clearly understand that you feel bad in a relationship, it makes sense to deal with what is happening.
There is a form of psychological violence - gaslighting : this is when a person is told that he is “defective”, that he is mistaken and wrong all the time. Over time, the victim begins to doubt his adequacy, his mental health, and the correctness of his vision of the world. This is especially dangerous in couples because we usually trust our partner.
The opportunity to receive psychological help and support from friends and relatives is very important here. But in order to finally understand the situation, it is better to get the help of a specialist, because only he will give a neutral opinion and call a spade a spade.
If you feel like you have lost yourself, go to a specialist. I have repeatedly met with women who do not have the habit of trusting themselves, they are lost in relationships, they have lost themselves, they do not have the opportunity to rely on their feelings, to identify broken boundaries.
► How should I behave with an aggressor? Ignore or respond?
If you find the strength to resist, first you can try to talk with the aggressor: for example, ask if he would like to be in your place, let him know that you will take other measures to curb bullying.
If after this there is another round of aggression in your direction, it makes sense to look for a person in the group who is interested in improving the psychological situation (more often this is a manager responsible for the results of the work of the entire team). If you don’t feel strong enough to resist, think about whether what you get in this place is worth your patience, nerves and health.
Ignoring doesn't always work. In our society there is a prejudice that if you do not answer, it means you are weak - this can be a reason to weaken you more.
And responding to aggression with aggression, alas, can be ineffective . I once conducted trainings and know a good exercise that illustrates the beginning of a conflict: when two people begin to take turns pushing each other on the shoulder.
On the third or fourth push, we understand within ourselves that we are beginning to put more and more force into this action. This is how the conflict develops, the strength of the confrontation grows each time, we show the opponent that it is time to stop everything, but everyone wants to emerge victorious - this is a vicious circle.
Of course, there is healthy aggression that can help you avoid falling into a victim state. This often happens when the aggressor sees that your actions are receiving a positive response from witnesses, then he feels the likelihood of losing.
One way to stand up for yourself is to joke about the actions of the aggressor . If your laughter is supported, he will be afraid, because this way you can switch roles.
In general, it is difficult to give general recommendations for the simple reason that a person cannot effectively practice techniques without seeing the big picture. The most important thing in confrontation is to find the strength to defend yourself and not repress healthy anger .
► Running away is the only method that really works?
The victim is by nature demoralized; she often does not see an opportunity to defend herself. Often she needs some figure who can say: “Hey, let's do something about this.” And it very often happens that the only available way to end the bullying is to leave the team.
Monitor the tension in your body
An insult is a demonstrative threat, in response to which the subconscious mobilizes forces, heightens feelings, adrenaline is released into the blood, and the body prepares to repel the attack. At this moment, no matter how you restrain your emotions, non-verbal behavior will signal to your opponent that his main goal has been achieved: you are ready to enter into conflict. Having noticed this, the person will continue to escalate the situation, and you will have to do something in response. To avoid such developments, learn to control body tension, manage it and respond correctly to insults. This is achieved by repeated training of controlled relaxation skills. Having mastered these skills, you will be able to maintain complete disarming equanimity even in the most heated situations.
Use the law
You can hold the offender accountable, or at least threaten him with it. Punishment for insult is prescribed in the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Russian Federation, Article 5.61 “Insult”, but slander is already within the scope of the criminal law of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, Article 128.1 “Slander”. In case of insults from your boss, you can contact the HR department.
The main thing is to remember: no one has the right to infringe on your honor, dignity and reputation. But you must answer people in the same way. Otherwise, any recommendations are meaningless.
Keep the reason in mind
Dealing with a provocateur is easiest when you understand what he needs. Understanding your opponent’s goals will help you not to be distracted by his tricks, not to react to negativity and insults, and not to play his game. As soon as direct provocation is directed at you, ask yourself the question: “Why?” You will have to cultivate this skill in yourself through training, because in real life the last thing you want to do is reason when they are throwing dirt at you. However, the result will exceed expectations. Firstly, you will be able to keep a “cool head” longer. Secondly, starting with analysis means inoculating yourself against impulsiveness, since 100% of the stupidest actions are committed in the first seconds, when the blood rushes to the head.
Be a bystander
Insults are always inappropriate behavior; it does not look beautiful in any case, even if the insulter presents himself as a brutal character reveling in permissiveness. But when you yourself are the object of insult, it is difficult to understand; the mind paints the opposite picture, as if the offender looks stronger, taller, better, and you are humiliated by the inability or unwillingness to respond symmetrically. To shatter this imposed mental template, it is enough to look at the situation through the eyes of the viewer and give an assessment to both participants from a third person.
How to change your style of communication with your child?
One way or another, most experts agree that it is under no circumstances possible to remain indifferent in a situation where a child is experiencing psychological trauma. Parents should strive to find ways to understand and build good relationships. The first step may be to recognize the need for change. The further action plan may consist of the following steps:
- Working on your own psychological health. Daily routine, proper nutrition, healthy lifestyle, hobbies, relaxation.
- Awareness of what irritates you most in a child, at what moments this happens, what is the “trigger mechanism”.
- An attempt to stop oneself at the moment of an aggressive reaction. This is certainly much easier said than done. Every time you manage to express your dissatisfaction more gently, celebrate it and praise yourself.
- Finding activities during which you and your child will feel good and interesting together. This could be a walk together, watching an interesting program, going to the skating rink, or doing something creative. It would be great if such classes were first organized by an experienced teacher who could identify the child’s talents and strengthen the self-esteem of all family members. Gradually, these joyful and positive moments should become more numerous than negative ones.
Unfortunately, not all people can change their own behavior through willpower. Working with a psychologist, aimed at understanding your family history, the characteristics of your behavior, and developing new forms of relationships with your child can and will certainly become a new starting point in the life of your family and in the life of your children’s family.
Three years ago, a helpline for children, teenagers and their parents was launched in Russia. The professional psychologists working there try to help everyone in need by finding solutions in each specific situation. You can call the helpline from anywhere in Russia absolutely free at the number: 8 800 2000 122.
Don't show fear
Finding fear is the worst thing you can do. For an aggressor, a conflict is an adventure with an unknown outcome. No matter how much he pretends to be confident, in reality it simply cannot be there. Every person entering into an open conflict fears an unpredictable reaction, but only until the victim shows fear or confusion. As soon as this happens, the aggressor calms down, because the frightened victim is not dangerous. Try to learn not to react to hurtful words, quickly pull yourself together and not allow your emotions to show. Cold calm will have the most powerful effect on the offender, as this is a sign of strength.
What not to do
Every human action has a purpose. By understanding what the offender is trying to achieve by resorting to insults, you will be able to resist him while maintaining your own dignity. Therefore, never allow yourself to:
- Give in to provocations. If they try to bring you to tears, by bursting into tears, you give your opponent power over you, a feeling of omnipotence. It is important to learn not to let your emotions get out of control. By being rude in response, you will sink to the level of an ill-mannered interlocutor; if you start a fight, you can get into more serious trouble, ruining your opponent’s personal belongings or clothes, and making yourself look like an unbalanced person. Remember that an intelligent person will not descend into rudeness, and do not be like rude people, respect yourself.
- Show that they are affected. By doing this you will give the boor pleasure and demonstrate that he has successfully achieved his goal. Try to keep a calm face. You can imagine that you are acting in a movie, according to the script, your hero is insulted, and in response he grins and gives a succinct, beautiful phrase that famously puts the enemy in his place.
- It is humiliating to remain silent. Many boors are weaklings and insecure people who try with all their might to prove the opposite, but since they cannot cope with a strong opponent, they begin to insult and humiliate the weak, thus asserting themselves and elevating themselves in their own eyes. Such people need to be given a decisive rebuff so that they immediately understand that you will not allow yourself to be offended. Silence and submission will only provoke them, and in the future they will not let you off the hook.
- Make excuses. Even if you made a mistake and caused anger, do not mumble or look for excuses. Calmly let me know when and how you will correct the error. Remember - criticism should be constructive and useful, stop all attempts to hit your self-esteem with rudeness.
- Accumulate grievances. If you didn’t manage to respond to an insult in a timely manner, don’t dwell on it. Come up with a decent way out of the current situation, so that if it happens again, you will be ready to react appropriately, and let it go. Don't stoop to revenge.
Make your opponent laugh
Ridicule is felt and perceived more painfully than direct insult, which, against the backdrop of elegant barbs, looks simply pathetic.
To subtly laugh at an opponent in response to aggression, you need to have intelligence and a developed sense of humor, while anyone can insult. This behavior is for those who decide to respond and enter into conflict: this is the only way to take a winning position right away. But keep in mind that ridicule can drive you crazy; its object can lose sanity and become dangerous. Find out more about the courses
